Some more recent pics of the boys..

Swimming lessons and thunderstorms

David worked today and had to take the car so the boys and I decided to go swimming at the recreation center down the road. Granted I haven't paid my dues in 6 months but I did pay them for 2 1/2 years so I guess I am entitled to use the pool sometimes, right?
Initially Seth was scared , yelling " It's too deep!" but after some time playing on the steps he felt more confident. We played with some toys in the pool and splashed together. I guess it wasn't really "lessons" but he was getting accustomed to being in the pool and we really had fun. I put Sean in the poll as well. I guess he was okay with it. I think he was confused as to what was going on. After a short period of time he was hungry so I gave him a bottle and he fell asleep for the rest of the time we were there at the pool. After about 2 hours I heard thunder so we walked home and everybody got baths and dry clothes so we didn't stink of chlorine.
Then we had a lovely thunderstorm. Sean fell asleep again and Seth layed down in bed for a bit. I did,too.
David got hom,e around 8:30 this evening. He had a side job doing tile for a friend of ours and she gave him $200.00 even though he wasn't done so he could get some groceries and stuff. Apparently he will get $800.00 more when he finishes! But he only charged half price for installation since he will only be able to work in the evenings after today since I work. They even invited all of us over tomorrow evening to watch the fireworks from their house since David would be working but I remember Seth was scared by them last year so I don't think we are going to go.
We actually ordered Chinese as a special treat for ourselves tonight so I am going to enjoy it now. :)

Amanda Beard and I should be twins

After I got out of the shower I was flipping through David's Playboy magazine. Seth walked in and saw the layout of Amanda Beard and said, " Pictures of you Mom?"
Yep, I totally have the body of an Olympic swimmer. Looking at the pics was like looking in the mirror. :)
Gotta love him.

Fonda:1 Migraine:0

Yesterday evening I began to develop the most awful headache. By the middle of the night my entire head was throbbing, my neck hurt, and I was nauseated. I tried to take the last half of a Percocet that David had with a glass of milk but I vomited it up before it had any chance to take effect. (Eww, reminder to self-If I am feeling the slightest bit nauseated-Don't drink milk)
In any case, I called in sick around 2 AM because I had a feeling that I would not be very capable by the morning. I was correct. I tossed and turned but my throbbing head was so horribly painful, nothing made me comfortable. A headache that severe HAD to be a migraine.
Fortunately, David was very sympathetic and let me lay around much of the day while he did the bulk of the child care.
I called my sister to beg for anything that might relieve my pain. I was feeling desperate. I was thinking "At least labor was shorter than this has lasted!" It was probably the 3 rd migraine I have ever had and I am certainly not hoping for a 4th.
Fonda showed up and it was if the clouds had opened and an angel was standing there at my door with a Vicodin with my name on it.
My head is still a tiny bit achey but I can definitely handle it. No more throbbing. I can function yet again.
Thank goodness for prescription drugs!

Sean's a roller now!

He can roll from back to his belly. Now that he can he wants to roll all the time, even in the bath. It sure is a pain in the butt to wash a kid who keeps trying to roll out of his tub.
He sure is a happy guy though. And cute as a button, even if he has two chins and looks like the Michelin man. He's going to catch up with Seth pretty soon. I joked with David that we should put him on Good Start Lite formula! Do they make low fat baby food? I'm totally kidding, I know he needs all that nutrition. And if he's anything like Seth he will become more proportioned once he's up and crawling.

I still haven't spoken to my mom. Apparently my sister isn't allowed over there either per Mom's husband. I guess he made a derogatory comment to my mom and my sister had to defend her. He kicked her out of the house.
It's odd that my mom didn't stand up for Fonda though. It's all weird. What's going on with her? David questioned that at well when I told him the story.
Maybe mom is enjoying some alone time to rest and take care of herself for once? I can't believe that she wouldn't want Fonda and I (and the grandkids!) out of her life?

David is working now. A couple weeks ago he got a job at my work washing dishes in the evening. Not big bucks, but it's something for now. And the hours work perfectly for us. I work 7-3 and he works 4:30 to 8ish. If I pick up any doubles I just have to give the list to the kitchen supervisor and she won't schedule him on that day.

I am feeling better lately. I am glad to enjoy my days again.

Envy

I envy alot of people. I am not proud of this but I look at others and think, " She's so pretty" or " Her hair is so nice and straight and shiny",etc. I've been this way for ages, I am never completely happy with myself and my life. Lately it's more like, " She's has such a good job, I bet she doesn't have to worrry about her bills" or " It must be nice to be able to order lunch every day, I wish I could do that". Or especially, " She seems so together and confident, why can't I be more like that?"
But then a lady at work told me that she envied me.
She asked ," How does it feel to be envied?"
I never in a million years thought anyone would envy me. She has a college education and a good job but she married later in life and never had children. It puts things in perspective for me. Some of the most special things in life cannot be bought or sold. Like family.
Sometimes I feel like selling Seth to the circus though. LOL :)

My dysfunctional life

The following is copied and pasted from a message board I belong to. I posted it late Wednesday 6-12-07. I felt it was significant enough to include in my blog but I just couldn't type all of that, I even left mispellings and punctuation errors. Even re-reading it is very upsetting to me and I still feel like I want to throw up:

"Please no flaming because that is the last thing I need.I was at the mall today and Seth ran away from the play area, I had to chase him but in the process I left Sean in the stroller at the play area. I shouldn't have left him but i wasn't thiking I just wanted to catch Seth before he got out of sight-he moves very fast.Anyway I asked my mom for advice about how to stop this behavior- running away, not listening, talking back, etc. He has been actiing up lately. First off, my mom says I "fucked up" and she would have slapped me for leaving the stroller( ok I deserved that) but then she says that Seth is acting out because we don't give him enough attention and that we are bad parents and we give all the attention to Sean But wait-I am a bad parent to Sean too because I put him on my grandma's bed for a nap the other day and he could have fallen off. (he doesn't roll yet and he's not even close) She says David doesn't pay any attention to Seth while I'm at work because she came over one day and he had a very soggy diaper on. She says that Seth is ALWAYS good for HER even though he fights me to get changed, get dressed, brush his teeth, etc. I am also a bad mom because I told him he was a bad boy at my mom's because he dumped out all of the fish food into the fish tank. Then she says that I should pack him up and she will come get him tomorrow and I shouldn't fight her about the matter. I also might add that she was obviously drunk during this entire conversation. I am so scared she is actually going to try to take him tomorrow and I am doing a double shift so I have warned David not to let her in. I know that even if she called HRS about me they wouldn't let het take him considering she gets drunk daily and she is on disability. But David and I are under alot of stress with him being unemployed and our financial situation.Do you think I should be worried? I am so scared I feel like I want to throw up."

Now I am fortunate that nothing has come of this issue since that day. She hasn't called and certainly hasn't shown up at my house to take my son away from me. I am hoping that it was simply alcohol talking. For many years I have been just trying to avoid my mom when she drinks in the evening and it hasn't been any issue. If I don't really see her that way then I don't have to deal with it. But when she threatens to take my boy I think it's a big problem.
Now my husband enjoys his beer as well. But he's down to two beers a day. By far better than what he used to drink once upon a time. But we also can't afford it either so it's forcing him to cut down ( one of the very few positive things that has come out of us being poor lately) I am proud of him for it.
But( and this is no excuse) David always tolerated his alcohol very well. I cannot even tell when he has been drinking unless it was an excessive amount ( which is once or twice a year)I always remind him to make sure he eats something and paces himself-drinking water inbetween beers as well. And he has taken all of my advice since he loves me. I know I cannot expect him to quit.
My mom cannot handle her alcohol. She turns into a different person. Sometimes argumentative and she always slurs. It makes me very sad.

I know I will not get any brownie points from anyone for writing all of this but I am just so tired of holding it all in. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it except my grandmother.
I am hoping this all blows over. I know my sons love me very much. They are very happy and Seth is very active and social. He loves to laugh and give hugs and kiss boo boos. If David and I were such bad parents I am sure Seth wouldn't be so well adjusted. He will just have to adjust to sharing his parents with his new brother. There is no way around it.

I never thought I would live such a dysfunctional life.

Just breathe

Inhale deeply and let it out slow. When I start to feel very anxious I have to remind myself to do this to calm myself. Or my chest starts to feel very tight and sore. Sometimes I will hyperventilate.
I think I am stronger than I think I am, but it is very frustrating when other people don't help a little. We have to work together sometimes in this life to get ahead. It's no fun to give up things that you enjoy. I know it but it's neccesary. I really think in a couple months things will be a little better but it's hard right now.
I had the cable switched to basic limited with a few family channels. I threatened to turn off the internet but that went over like a ton of bricks.
I just want to save some money for a couple months, not forever, geez!
Why am I the only one making sacrifices?
Even when I am fully rested I still feel tired. My back and shoulders are so tense they ache constantly. I feel so edgy most of the time. I'm tired of it.

Happy birthday to me!

Yes, I am now 30 years old. I spent much of yesterday feeling rather blah and sad about it but after I went to my grandmother's in the evening for dinner-I felt so much better. The food was wonderful and the company was even better. All of my family was there, it was just what I needed to stop me from feeling sorry for myself. My dad got me a tandem stroller for the boys, my sister got me a book and a gift card to Old Navy, Mamaw gave me $30, and my mom is going to take me and Seth to breakfast on Tuesday. I made out well. I can't wait to try out the stroller but I simply did not feel up to going anyewhere today.
Afterward Heather and her sis, Stephanie, watched the boys while David and I went out to have a couple drinks. We had a great time and then came home and chatted with Heather and Stephanie until 2AM. My brother, Sean showed up as well when he got off of work and hung out.
So I saw everyone in my family yesterday. It made for a pretty good day.
It was also my brother-in-law, Jason's birthday ,too. But he's one year younger than me. Every year I am very glad to share my birthday with him. It makes the day a little bit more special, I think. His daughter ( my neice) Amber's birthday was last Friday so birthday's are quite prevalent this time of year. We went to my sister's father-in-law's house for dinner and we all had a good time-I might add both boys slept excellently that night.

I had hoped I would be in a better financial position my my 30th birthday but it was not to be. I am healthy, as is my sons. I have a great family and a good job. A wonderful husband. If I only had financial security everything would be-dare I say-perfect? I just don't want to worry about the bills anymore. I'll get there someday.

I survived my double shift

Damn, I felt like hell when I got home though. My legs and feet were very achy. Of course, my first double shift in years happened to fall on the same day that the state surveyors show up. It's super annoying when I am trying to pass my meds out and the surveyor wants to ask me questions about every resident on the stinkin' hall. Especially on a hallway that I'm not used to so I only know the basics about them. The 3-11 CNAs are morons so that didn't make my day any easier. One of them was trying to tell me that one lady's catheter came off in quite broken English. I simply said "I don't know what you are trying to say, she never HAD a catheter" Apparently her colostomy appliance was overflowing and making a mess so she had to remove it and this CNA wanted me to put on a new one. You don't have to be a brain surgeon to know the difference from a colostomy and a catheter..scary.
The overtime pay will make it all worthwhile though. Next paycheck will have 3 overtime days on it so that should be pretty nice.
David brought Sean into work at my lunchtime since I wouldn't have a chance to see him in a whole day so that was nice. Seth went to my mom's for a few hours so David could get a break. It's wonderful to have so much support from my family. I don't know what I would do without them. That includes you Fonda! :)
David opted not to stay with the other restaurant job so he got a job at my work. It's only about 4 hours in the evenings a few days a week but it's something. He passed the drug test so now we are just waiting for his background check and then they will call with his hours. Of course, his background is clean so we should get a call in the next couple days.
My dad is getting me a double stroller for my birthday on Friday! I am ridiculously excited about this. I even dreamt about it last night. Jewelry? Flowers? I could care less. I'd rather have a gift card so that I could buy stuff for my boys. That includes David, yes he is one my boys.

Thank goodness Sean is easy to please.

Because everything else in my life requires so much effort!
Seth has the energy of five 2 year olds. He's happy as can be but I am too worn out to play all day.
I am working and working as much as I can so I can make a big fat paycheck so I can pay all of my bills. Tomorrow I have signed up for a double shift- 7AM to 11 PM. What a looong day it will be. I am not thrilled but it's a bit of a neccesity these days. I don't even care if neccesity is spelled incorrectly, bleh.
I am trying to keep my sanity as my 30th birthday approaches. I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I wish I could postpone my 30th until next year.

If I was rich and famous I think I would check myself into one of those rehab centers the stars go to when they need to recover from " exhaustion". Boy, that would be nice.

About Sean-he is the easiest baby ever! He goes to sleep easily and sleeps very well. He is content to sit in his bouncy seat or swing and watch the worl go by. When he does get a little fussy, he is usually hungry. Give him a bottle and he will suck it down like you wouldn't believe. But he is by no means lethargic or sleepy. He is extremely alert and loves to watch everything going on around him. He loves to smile-he does it alot. When you tickle his chin he will get a huge grin and sometimes he will squeal, especially when David is doing it.
He's a good boy.

I think I might see the light...

There is merely a small glimmer in the distance but I think I am closer to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. David has a job! He received a call from a local restaurant wanting him to come in today to talk and they put him right to work! He is working 5-10 today and both weekend days as well. Yes, he is washing dishes, but he's making money now and that's what really counts. It won't be his career of choice forever, just for now until something better comes along..which may not be until "season" starts in the fall.

In other news.....
Florida is burning down!!!!!!
At least it smells like it outside. There has been a nasty haze outside all day and the smell of forest fire is absolutely horrible! I have my house closed up and I still smell it from time to time. Seth wanted to go outside this evening and I definitely didn't want him out there breathing in all the smoke. Yuck!
Apparently hundreds of acres of land near Lake Okeechobee is (or was)on fire and since I live right east of there the lovely wind is carrying the smoke right to us. Damn, it's awful.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

I like to think that there is but far too often I find that the future seems bleak and quite dim. Yes, sometimes I laugh and almost feel normal but I mostly just feel like I am suffering from extreme anxiety. Especially if I have a chance to be alone and think for a couple minutes. I have a battle going on in my head between rational thought and my overwhelming emotions. I don't like it.
My sons give me hope and I truly wish I could provide for them in a manner that they deserve. I have contacted my mortgage provider and submitted paperwork and information about my sistuation in hopes that i can get some type of help. If they let me skip a payment or let me pay a smaller payment for a month or two it would be a huge help.
I have spoken to the dietary manager at work about getting David a position as a dishwasher or cook. He said for David to fill out an application and for me to give him my husband's name so he can look for the application. It's low pay, but better than no pay. David is also going to a restaurant tommorow to talk to someone about another job. We'll see what happens. Hopefully something good.
There is also less than two weeks until my 30th birthday. Nothing like the big 3-0 to kick me when I am already down. Now I'm old AND poor. Bleh.

Window shopping

It's the only kind of shopping I can afford to do thses days. Seth and I decided to spend some time at the mall today and after he played at the playground a little I had to gaze longingly at the clothes in Old Navy wishing I had a credit card to max. My clothes are all too small and I am sure I look trashy wearing them. I keep losing weight but I am still about 10 lbs. over what I weighed when I got pregnant.
Seth and David both need some new shoes. Seth needs some new PJs and maybe a couple new shirts. I need new shirts and shorts. I do believe that Sean is okay in the clothing department right now thanks to Seth's hand-me-downs. I really need to get my family suited up. Sucks being poor.
On the positive side I am now down to 131.5 lbs. I have lost three pounds this week. I guess overwhelming stress is good for something! I spent so much time at 135-137 and now I have gone down so drastically (for me) in such a short period of time. I don't think I want to go back to 117-my face was too angular and skinny at that weight. I think I want to get to 122-125lbs. range.
David filled out 14 applications in the last couple days. At every place from Toys R Us to TGI Fridays to Footlocker. He has seen a couple job openings for flooring but right now he needs evening work so he can be home with the boys in the day- so day time hours are out. I really hope that he gets a call from somebody.

I am a loser

warning- more venting!

I can't stand being poor. And I REALLY can't stand asking for help from my family. Especially since they aren't exactly wealthy themselves. I hate myself this way and I can just imagine what others are thinking of me. I am sure my family is sick of me and my venting.
My whole life I thought I was better than this. I never thought my husband would be unemployed. I feel like the poor white trash that I hoped I wouldn't ever be. And I feel sad that I brought two beautiful little boys into this world and I can barely provide for them. I feel like I am drowning more and more everyday, with every final notice that I receive, with every call from a creditor, with every time that I dig $0.50 in nickels out of my car so I can buy a soda at work. I even attempted to apply for WIC benefits today to help out only to learn that I make $6 too much in a month. I simply cannot win!!
I just want to explode sometimes from the tension I experience every day. I constantly feel like I am on the edge of an anxiety attack and find that I cry at the drop of a hat because I am feeling so overwhelmed.
I just don't feel like I can take it anymore. It's all too much for me. I never thought I would ever feel this low again. If it weren't for my boys, I think I would just run far, far away so I wouldn't have to face all of the family and friends that I have disappointed. I have humiliated myself and made a mess and i am working my hardest to get back on my feet but, damn it, why won't anyone hire my husband!! I can't do it all by myself. I'm just not that strong.

Ugh! The terrible twos

Seth has been driving me nuts lately! He does not want to cooperate with anything. If we go out in public I have to have him in the stroller or shopping cart because if he walks he will run away from me and ignore me when i call him. He fights with me when I dress or change him. He constantly unmakes all the beds in the house and throws the pillows on the floor. I had to take away his crayons because he would much rather draw on the walls or on his toys than his coloring book. He begs for food and then when he gets it he takes a bite and the rest is crumbled on the floor. I put his food in bowls and give him a fork but he just dumps it out and eats it with his hands. He whines and gets mad when he is obviously exhausted but refuses to nap. He runs everywhere!! It almost seems like his constant goal is to make a mess, a big one! I cannot figure out where I went wrong, he is still a nice,friendly kid and plays well with others but how come he's so destructive all the time? Why doesn't he LISTEN when I say "no!" or "stop that!" I know he can hear me. Is he destined to be a bad kid? Is it just the "terrible" twos?
So far Sean is the easiest baby ever. He is absolutely NOTHING like Seth was. I think God figured we had enough on our hands with Seth, so he'd better give us a break with this one! I am very glad he decided to spare us this time! Two Seths would be enough to drive anyone crazy!
Sean goes to sleep very easily. He only wakes once in the night these days. He's easy to entertain and is a very happy baby. He likes his bouncy seat, his swing, or simply just to lie anywhere near Mama or Dada. He loves to eat. He smiles and squeals easily. He's a delight to be around and cute as a button.
Now if only Seth could learn how to calm down a little...

134!!

I finally got down to 134lbs! It's not the goal by any means but it's the lightest I've weighed since probably sometimes last fall. It seemed like I was stuck at 135lbs. for the longest time.
Stress has completely destroyed my appetite. Honestly, it's the best diet ever. Well, that and a little touch of the Norovirus (stomach flu) that has been spreading throught the nursing home like wild fire lately. I'm not sure if the nausea I experienced the other day was stress or flu. Who cares!! I weigh 134!
I want to lose 10 more pounds and then I will be content. And hopefully fit into all of my clothing again. Next paycheck I am going to get a few summer outfits. You know, shorts and T-shirts, nothing fancy..Old Navy if I can catch a sale.:)

Will the stress ever end?

Warning: this is a vent post...
My anxiety is a at level higher than I have experienced in quite a while. I hate being the only breadwinner. It's a horrible thing knowing my family is relying on me, and only me, for a paycheck. I try to work so hard but find that I am getting worn down. I am tired constantly but at night when it's time to sleep I would rather stay awake a little to enjoy the quiet. Goodness knows it's the only quiet I get.
I get irritable with the boys for wanting my attention (Seth, mostly) because I want to be left alone for a few minutes when I get home but then I feel so guilty once he goes to bed and I stare down at his peaceful, adorable sleeping face thinking about what a horrible parent I am and that he deserves better.
David has filled out several applications but no responses yet. I'm glad he's home with the boys but it's just not helping me pay the bills. I still owe bills from last month. I feel like I'm drowning.
Sometimes I feel like I could just explode with all of the anxiety I feel every day. I cry because I feel so overwhelmed with life and Seth looks at me and says " Are you okay, mama?" I love him so much.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can take it anymore. But I don't have any other options. I have to be strong. Thank God that I have such supportive family and friends.

I love my hair, but hate myself.

My hair turned out really well. I had it dyed my usual reddish but got blond highlights throughout. Looks very cool, I think.
Why do I hate myself then? Well, simply because my hair cost more than I had anticipated. I won't even write what I spent. I feel super guilty because i keep thinking I should have spent the money wiser. I can't do anything about it now.

On a different note, David has turned in a few more applications. In the meantime, he was approved for unemployment. Only $69 a week, but hey that's better than what he is bringing home right now. At least it's enough for half a tank of gas and some formula and diapers.

I feel so much guilt

I have been working my butt off lately, working extra days, staying late, anything to make a few extra bucks until things are caught up. Lately, I look in the mirror and feel so blah. So Wednesday I decided that I think I deserve to go have my hair trimmed and dyed and get some highlights done. So I made an appointment before I lost my nerve.
But, of course, I feel so guilty because I know I should spend my money on a bill or groceries, etc. But another part of my brain insists that I deserve it since I am working so much..besides I could consider it a Mother's Day present to myself to to get pampered a bit and get a professional hairdo. It's not like it's something I do often! Right?
I find myself getting so excited about getting my hair done tomorrow, but feeling so guilty at the same time.
We will see how it turns out tomorrow!

My little bro is 21 and I'm the one with the hangover

His birthday was yesterday. We had a little party at my mom's house in the afternoon and then we went out to have a few drinks. My sister and I really wanted to go out with Sean and Heather and some of their friends but, of course, I haven't gotten paid yet so she said she'd buy me a couple beers at the Celtic Ray. I brought the boys home and David tucked them in. Then off we went. Sean's friends are great company and Fonda and I also saw Melissa there as well. We had such a great time..but I was very thankful that Fonda was driving. Fonda and I spent her 21st birthday together in Fort Myers Beach and then we spent Sean's with him. So I guess it is sort of a tradition.
I was feeling rather rough this morning though! So I was just going through the motions for the first couple hours of work. I don't think I want to drink again for a little while! I just can't tolerate it like I did in my young days.

Sean is very smiley

My little guy smiles alot, and he's cooing quite frequently as well. If we tickle his chin with a blanket he smiles. My mom and I notice if we talk about food he smiles and coos also. Yes, I know it's probably just the tone of our voices and our smile while we are talking that makes him smile but it's so silly to go on and on about pork roasts, london broils, and turkey legs and watch him coo and coo like he really knows what we are talking about.
This kid is getting huge! All he wants to do is eat. Last Dr. appt. he was 12 1/2 lbs. and 23 inches long. Not enormous but he is certainly larger than Seth was as the same age. I totally think that Sean is going to be bigger than his older brother at full height!
Sean is sleeping very well also. He only wakes once a night and usually is about 4-5 AM. He has pretty good neck control and can lift part of his chest up of the ground when laying on his belly.
He's calling me so I'd better go feed him again!

Few things in life feel better..

That having no debt and all of your bills paid. Unfortunately, it has been far too long since I experienced that but I am remaining confident that one day it will occur! Probably around the time that hell freezes over. :)
Only a couple more days until I get paid. According to my calculations my gross amount should be around $1500 but with taxes and insurance taken out I will most likely bring home a little over $1000. Pretty sad, huh? And I worked very hard for two weeks to make that. I'm guessing I will never make it onto Forbes list of top moneymakers!
Doesn't it seem odd that it costs so ridiculously much to live in Florida but the pay is horribly low? Fot the same job up north I could make quite a bit more AND have much better benefits, AND the cost of living isn't too much higher than here. AND the weather would be nicer, I might add. I'd have to have the money to move my whole family with me though. The hard part would be leaving them, because let's face it, without them I would not be where I am today. Who knows? I may not still exist at this point. But thanks to their support I am here, and thanks to their financial support my boys have been able to eat for the last month. Of course, everyone is getting paid back. Don't get me wrong, no one gave me free money.

Finally, a day off!

It seems like ages since I have had a day off but really it's only been 5 days. I don't know how Mon-Fri workers do it! I am certainly not used to a schedule like this.
I am counting down to pay day..only 8 more days until I can pay some bills. I am so afraid that things are going to get shut off in the meantime. David is going to call the utilities and electric to see if we can get an extention because of our circumstances and check into unemployment since he isn't getting any responses from the applications he's put out.
Man, I despise Walter on so many different levels. He regularly insulted David at work and refused to accept any creative input from David at band practice, always threatening to fire him if he disagreed or argued. Always putting David down until he felt like a second rate peon and developed stomach issues related to extreme stress. If you ask me, it sounded like David was in an emotionally abusive relationship with his so-called " friend". I know because I was in one once. I don't know why Walt felt the need to treat David this way but I am glad that it is over. David has a tendency to be too nice at times and I don't appreciate when people take advantage of his kind nature. Sometimes I want to stick up for him and tell off people that "jokingly" call him names or play jokes on him. He laughs it off but I don't.

I do know that David is an awesome stay at home dad. He makes sure the boys are clean and fed and happy. Little Sean always smiles when he sees Daddy. And Seth asks where Dad is any time we go anyplace without David. Did I mention that David picks up the house and cleans the dishes, too. AND makes dinner for me.
I may not have married a wealthy man but I married a man rich with love.

work, work, and more work

I have been working ALOT in the last couple weeks. We need to get caught up on our bills badly. I'm working any extra shift possible and I am exhausted! David has done really well with the boys during the day and even helping me out by getting up with midnight feedings, when I wake him and ask his help of course!
One of our friends gave us $300 as a "gift"! She said that God wanted us to have it. I thought that was a very special gift and I am eternally grateful for all the help we have received. Hopefully by the end of the month we will be back on our feet.
David has a few promising jobs that he has looked into for evenings.
Seth and Sean are doing well. Sean is growing like a weed and Seth has suddenly decided he likes food again. He is eating non stop these days! Maybe he's growing too.

Finally something good has happened

Our accountant is going to pay our tax fee out of his own pocket but we have to personally bring him the $260 when we get our return. Thank goodness, we could really use that $1200. Maybe things are looking up.

I go back to work tomorrow so i will be making money. I just have to wait until I get paid in two weeks..but it's a beginning.
David is going to fill out some applications on Thursday or Friday depending on my work schedule. He's going to try Home Depot or Lowes. At least it's a job for now until something better comes along.

My faith is waning..

Afetr Hurricane Charley hit us in 2004 I stopped praying because I was mad at God. How could he do this to us while we were expecting our first child ? How could he do this knowing we had just bought our house and now it's ruined? I tried to everything right and be a good person and many people in the world are cruel and crooked and they live wonderful lives. How is that fair?
I am thankful that David's faith is so strong and he has encouraged me to pray again. So I did during my pregnancy with Sean. But now David hasn't any work and we are in a horribly pathetic financial situation since I haven't started back at work yet. His work has been excellent for years, then all of the sudden the work completely dries up in a matter of months? And we can't get our tax return since we can't afford the fee to pay the accountant, so we can't even have that to help us out. David's ( ex) best friend is jerking him around and my bank account is -$300. I have had to borrow money from my mom for food and gas, but how will we survive the next few weeks?
Is this a test, God? And if so, why? What have I done so wrong? I don't think I deserve this.

The good news and the bad

Which do you want first? I also say bad, so...
It cost us $260 to have our taxes done and they won't send our taxes out until we pay. Unfortunately, we are - $300 in our bank account and our credit cards are maxed. Therfore we can't afford to have the taxes sent. Usually David's corporation pays but it's probably broke by now since David hasn't worked in a couple weeks...
The good news..
We will be getting $1200 back, which we need very badly.

But, obviously, if we can't have our taxes sent then we don't get the money.. What to do?
Why is our bank account so low? Well David has had very little work in the last month and NONE in the last week. we have borrowed already from family and the money from the sale of David's car at least took care of last months bills.
My credit card took a payment out of our account without my authorization causing the checks that came through after it to make our bank account overdrawn, and we ended up with $35 for each one. I have been arguing with the bank and the credit card company to get the payment back that they stole from me and reverse the fees without any success. They REALLY piss me off.
Anyway i am going back to work on Friday but will not get a paycheck for two weeks. David is going to apply at a couple places when his truck is fixed in a couple days. He has some good ideas and maybe will go back to school full time when I get back to working full time. It may be hard now, but in the long run it will be very beneficial for him to have a career. He's too good to install flooring anyway. He's too smart for that. Besides, his back just can't take it anymore.
It'll work out eventually. Walter's an idiot and I am glad David won't be working with him anymore. David is in a much better mood actually when he doesn't have Walter pushing him around and insulting him constantly.
You know Walter text messaged David yesterday: " You know, Denny's and McDonald's are hiring" Insulting I think.

My first day back at work..

I wasn't officially supposed to go back until the 20th but they called today and apparently were desperate for someone to do 3-11. So I went in from 3-7PM but ended up staying until 9. It was nice to be back at work again, isn't that sick? I like making my own money. I like the people I work with as well. And I made sure to tell the supervisor that I would be willing to pick up any other extra shifts in the next week. She was very happy to be working with me again and said that I was back at the shift where I belonged. :) I can't do alot of 3-11 with the two boys though. I like 7-3.
David did okay with the boys. Not great , but okay. Seth was only half in PJs and still awake when i got home at 9:30 and I had a sink full of dishes and laundry to fold and put away. Eh, I guess David isn't used to multi-tasking like I have been doing. Multi-tasking must be a woman thing.
David wasn't thrilled about being home alone with the both of them for that long but I think he understood that we need the $$ and if he isn't going to be able to work then one of us is going to have to. I don't mind.
I think that now that Sean is asleep I should probably put myself to bed as well. Good night!
I

Happy Easter and Happy Birthday

Today David turns 34 year old. He went out to have a couple drinks this evening and, fortunately , my sister was able to go out with him. Why am I happy about that, you ask? Obviously, I cannot go out with him since I am home with the boys and it always seemed that it years past I had to work the evening of his birthday so I could not go. And his friends never were able to go either. Pretty sad! :( So I am glad that my sister is there to help him have a nice time.
Unfortunately, my boys are both crabby tonight. Hopefully they will fall asleep before too long and then I will have an evening to myself, ahhhhhh, sweet silence! I can only hope. Right now I have one ( who is way overtired but refuses to ever nap anymore) who is alternating between "Mama! Mama!" for no reason and " come on!" so he can show me nothing. And another that has been fed, cleaned, diapered, burped, rocked, held, pacifiered ( is that even a word?), and fed some more to no avail. He ( I think ) is overtired as well.
You see, we went to my mom's for Easter dinner and we had a great time. Seth got to play alot and Sean was held and fed and rocked by everyone....but did not nap all day. Yes, you read that correctly. He would fall asleep but awaked whenever he was set down. So THAT is why he is overtired.
There are some days when I am jealous of the retirees that I meet at work. Thay can sleep until whenever, eat whenever, do what ever they want. When they clean their house it probably stays that way! They can watch TV in silence and go to bed and sleep ALL night long without interruptions. But then I think that life might be boring after a few days.
But even so, I wouldn't mind that kind of life for just a couple days. Is that so wrong? ;)

Girls night out

David's birthday is tomorrow and he plans on going out. Therefore, in order to rid himself of guilt and to make sure I would not gripe at him, he suggested I go out with my sister one evening. So last night my sis and I went to the pub for a drink and then we decided to go somewhere a bit more lively so we headed to another place where there would be music and dancing. It was pretty lame since all they were playing were oldies and the average age was about 40 but we had a good time picking on everyone. Yes, we are pretty pathetic but it was entertaining at least.
There isn't much that goes on in town for entertaining the younger crowd unless you like to hang out at bars or sing karaoke. Pretty sad.
In any case,I drank a little much and had some difficulty driving home but my sister drove ahead of me and I followed her all the way to my house. She's great like that.
I got home to discover that Sean had thrown up on David so I had to clean him all up and put him to bed. Boy, was I tired. I still am, not to mention I feel achy and blah from the alcohol.
I just can't tolerate drinking like I used to in my young days! I just don't think I am going to start going out too often. I prefer to put my PJs on as soon as the sun goes down and relax with my family.

my Dr. appt.and other ramblings..

I went for my 6 week check up yesterday-technically it was only 5 weeks but whatever...
Everything is fine. I am still very overweight, 140lbs by the Dr. scale. I still have 20 lbs. to lose. My friend Tammy reassured me that it will come off more quickly once I return to work. I know she's right since that is what it took last time.
Once my period returns I have to call the Dr. and have an IUD placed. I really wish I didn't have to wait. I will be getting the ParaGard which is nonhormonal and is good for 10 years ( though God help me if I decide to have another baby at 40!!) Most likely David will still get a vasectomy in a year or so.
I am looking forward to going back to work. I am so miserable sitting at home knowing that we really need my paycheck right now. Besides, I have this weird thing about making my own money. Never in my life to I ever want anyone to remind me that it's "their" hard earned money that i am using for groceries and bills. I hate having to ask for money either. I like to have my own cash.
And no, David has never made me ask for money or tell me it's "his" money but it has happened in a past relationship. I learned my lesson about making sure I can support myself.

Sean is sleeping okay, he does alright going back to sleep after his feedings until about 5 AM then he is more fussy and wants to stay awake longer. There is NO WAY i will start my day at 5 AM so he does go back to sleep, even if i have to put him in my bed to do it. He is very cute and eating very well. I can't believe it's been 5 whole weeks already!

1 month appt.

Sean is 10 lbs. and 22 inches. He is doing quite well, as am I. He still vomits occasionally but it's not with every feeding or even every day so who knows? Dr. is aware and isn't worried at this point.
Sean sleeps 3-4 hours at atime which is way better than Seth did at this age. Actually he is asleep right now so I should probably head to bed.

My Sean-free evening

My brother Sean's girlfriend offered to do an "all-nighter" if i wanted her to. Of course, I took her up on it. I needed to get some rest! So she came over yesterday evening and David and I went out for a couple drinks since she was here with the boys. We had a lovely time with us drinking, and talking and laughing. It was just like the old days.
When we got home we ate and went to bed. I didn't have to get up with Sean all night. But at the same time we stayed up too late, so we probably got about the same amount of sleep as usual. But it was uninterrupted!

David sold his car.:( Now he has to find a cheapy truck so he can use it for work. He is out looking right now. He has $3,000 to play with since the remaining $1,500 went to catch us up on bills. It sucks but they had to be paid. I honestly do feel better that we did that.
We couldn't catch up the credit cards though. Why bother, our credit is ruined already. there isn't any way we could do the minimum payments they want at this point. It's not as bad of a debt as some people, I suppose. Our credit card debt is around $8,400. Our medical bill debt is just over $1,000 so far. I do have bills coming in all the time. It's amazing what it cost to have a baby! Thank God insurance paid for most of it!

The air show

Seth and David both love planes and helicopters so we always have to attend the annual air show. So off we went, all four of us. And we had a really great time. Well, all but Sean, he just slept the whole time.
Seth and David were thrilled about getting to see the many planes and helicopters on display. I was more interested in the airplanes doing their fancy tricks iin the sky. It was totally worth the money that we spent that we really shouldn't have...
I got a pretty bad sunburn on my shoulders and chest which is very sore. Everyone else was fine though. I remembered to put sunblock on them!

I need to go back to work. Being poor sucks.

I guess that's why they call it the blues

I have finally realized what feeling this reminds me of. It is much like the feeling of breaking up with someone you loved for a long time. It's an empty, hollow feeling in your chest as if something that once was there is suddenly missing. An aching in your heart. A full body sadness.
But I can't figure out exactly why. When you break up with someone you have lost something that was once there. Having a baby you suddenly have another person where once there wasn't any, so shouldn't you feel less lonely and empty?
I know, I know..it has to do with hormone fluctuations and major life change issues. Last time I remember mourning the loss of my freedom and independence. This time, I'm not sure. Am I mourning the loss of what little freedom I had? Could it be my crappy financial situation since I'm out of work? I really think it has to do with the fact that I won't be pregnant again. I really know that we shouldn't have any more kids. But as miserable as I was during the latter part of my pregnancy I will be sad not to experience it again.
Maybe it's because for 9 months you have this build-up of excitement about waiting and waiting and having the baby. But then the day actually somes and it's all over with and you have this little person that is as cute as can be but they cry alot and want to be held alot and they don't let you sleep at night. And they can't even smile at you to let you know that they at least appreciate you.

I have to say I don't feel nearly as down as I did the first time around but perhaps the Zoloft could account for that. I have happy days and then some days are just plain lonely. Today is a lonely day.

Sean's first trip to my work..

Since I had to fill out some paperwork to add Sean onto my insurance I thought I would take this opportunity to show him off at work and he was a hit!!! Of course, I figured he would be. Everyone wanted to see him and told me how "perfect" he was. They also told me how great I looked for just having a baby. I told them that I was going to come up there any day I was feeling down and thinking I was fat so everyone can make me feel good! LOL.
Last I checked I was 136 lbs. but that was a few days ago. I still feel big but, of course, people keep saying " You just had a baby 3 weeks ago!" It'll come off eventually.
I am tired, so very tired. Sean doesn't like to sleep alone. he prefers to sleep on someone or in your arms. Very exhausting. Heather said that since she is on spring break next week that she will come over and do an " all nighter" one day so I can sleep one night. God bless Heather!!! That girl is so sweet. And Seth loves her, little Sean seems to like her quite well also. I certainly hope my brother marries her one day.
Actually I should be sleeping right now. Goodnight

I can't stand staying at home!

It makes me feel very sad and lonely to stay in the house all day with the boys. I have to get out! But the question is where?
I can't afford a double stroller right now so if we go anywhere I have to put Sean in the baby carrier and Seth in the stroller or Sean in a stroller and have Seth walk. That's awfully difficult though if we go to a crowded place since Seth likes to run everywhere and socialize...I'd be afraid to lose him. I don't have money to spend so it would have to be a free place, but the park can get so hot so quickly. We could go walking at the mall just to get out, I suppose. I can't go hang out with my mom or grandmother every day. They will get sick of me.
I have never been a person who likes to stay at home, unless I am feeling very tired or ill. I am very active and so is Seth. I know he gets sick of hanging around the house.
I really need a double stroller I guess. I was hoping to not have to buy anymore baby equpment since I have two strollers already and barely have anwhere to store them. Besides I really didn't want to spend any more money.

David and I went out last night to the Celtic Ray to watch the Peelers and drink a couple beers. we had a very good time but I am afraid that my two beers affected me more than I anticipated. My head hurts today. I suppose I should eat before I drink, huh? Goodness knows I always nag David about that. It was nice to get out and have some grown-up time with other adults. I think what I really miss is interaction with other adults during the day. I am home with two little boys but still feel lonely.

So far, so good

Sean is sleeping okay. He wakes every 2-3 hours on average to eat in the night. He takes about 30 minutes or so to eat and then he goes back to sleep. He's not really fussy and doesn't cry unless he needs food. I'm thinking I got lucky this time!
Seth is utterly fascinated by him, he just stares and stares at Baby Sean, as he calls him. He also likes to count Sean's eyes and ears and beep his nose. Very cute, but sometimes he doesn't seem to understand that he has to be gentle with the baby.
I try to keep us all busy in the day so the boys sleep well in the night. Besides I cannot stand hanging around the house all day.
It is very hard not having my paycheck though, it sucks actually. We really don't have any extra money for anything. We barely have money for what we need and unfortunately some things will have to be paid late. I will most likely have to return to work after 8 weeks instead of the 12 weeks I had originally intended. I think it's ridiculous that we don't have paid maternity leave in this country.
At least since Sean is sleeping better than Seth did at his age it may not be as bad going back to work. I will be very tired though. Oh well, I have to do what I have to do.

More pics

Some hospital pics

Reflections- courtesy of the new baby

I say that since, for some reason, I have been pondering alot of my past and remembering memories lately. Maybe it's hormones that have made me a little emotional or maybe it's the moments in the middle of the night I find myself rocking my new son in the dark quiet of the night staring at his beautiful face.
Whatever it is, I have to say I feel extremely content these days. I am so proud of the family that David and I have created. I have two beautiful little boys and a wonderful husband.
If you had told me years ago when I first saw David that I would marry him and he would father my two children I would have thought you were high on crack.
After I left my ex boyfriend when I was 21 I found myself severely depressed and friendless. So I started spending alot of time with my sister and her friends, one of which was Walter ( Whom I had originally met through her several years earlier) One night I was attending a party at his house and David walked in. We didn't speak but I remember thinking that he looked a little sad. He certainly didn't have a boisterous personality like Walter! At this time I wasn't aware that he was involved with my sister.
It was probably months later that we had become friends. There was alot of issues with my sister and him and her boyfriend..that part is very complicated.
She wasn't happy with me for awhile. I certainly didn't want to get involved with him due to all that nonsense, but somehow we wanted to spend more and more time together and he really grew on me. I discovered a warm, funny, and sensitive man that had experienced some rough patches in his life. As a depressive, overly sensitive person myself we actually had quite a bit in common. And we drank too much, yes we started out as drinking buddies.
We have had a wonderful life together so far. We have traveled to many different places through the country and had alot of fun!! Then we decided to start a family. We bought our first house and then we went through a horrible hurricane together and many months of housing repairs. We have been married for 5 years and it seems like we have packed 10 years worth of experiences in those years. And it's still only the beginning...

Seth and mama day

Today my mom came over to watch Sean so that Seth and I could spend some much needed 1:1 time together. We went to the mall for lunch and then to the playground. We had a very fun time and Seth has been pleasant as ever. I told David I want to do this one day every weekend. I reaally think it's good for both of us to spend the quality time together.

Yesterday was Sean's circumcision, he was very brave. Poor little guy. He slept excellently last night. I don't know if it was because of the circ but I hope it wasn't a fluke. He slept for 2-3 hours at a time and would go right back after feedings.

My life is sleepless yet again..

Sunday night I continued to feel just plain crappy- David even called L+D because he was so worried about me becoming dehydrated again. They advised him to have me drink small sips of fluids and little bits of food if I wasn't wanting to come in for IV hydration. I didn't sleep very restfully because my stomach wasn't right all night. I went to bed early even. David was so great at helping out with Seth.
The next morning I got up to use the bathroom right after David left for work around 0730. A bunch of fluid just fell out of me, i immediately thought I had peed on myself. But since I was dehydrated I was surprised I had so much fluid in me to even urinate! I hadn't been urinating very much due to my stomach problems. Once I sat on the toilet I figured it all out though. The fluid was still falling out of me and I noticed it was clear and pinkish tinged. I called David ,apologizing profusely, and he came right home. Second phone call was my mom and then the Dr. I showered and got all of my things together. Fortunately Seth was still sleeping since I was having quite a few contractions in the meantime, AND they were ones that made me have to stand still until they were over with.
David and I left the house for the hospital around 0830 or so and I continues to have contractions on the ride to the hospital, they were getting worse and worse quite quickly. I didn't even bother timing them since they seemed to be one right after another. When we got to the hospital they checked us in and told us to wait for our nurse to do the admission. I was having alot of pain at this point. Apparently my nurse was on a break and didn't start our admission until 0930. That was when they started my IV fluid and took my blood to the lab. I was eager to get my epidural but was told I had to wait for the lab results, yuck! I did not want to wait. At 0930 they checked me and discovered that I was 5 cm dilated. By 1030 I was still waiting for my epidural and the nurse said she had called the lab twice and they didn't have my results yet. I was begging for it by this time!
At each and every contraction David held me through the whole thing keeping one eye on the monitor so he could tell me when they were going away. He stroked my back and and I leaned my head on his shoulder during them. He was wonderful and I consider myself very lucky to have a great husband who was so supportive.
She informed me to let her know if I got the urge to bear down. Which I did a short time later. She them checked me again telling me that it was too late for the epidural since I was fully dilated! I got very scared at this point knowing I was going to have to give birth unmedicated. I was having the uncontrollable urge to bear down and the nurse didn't discourage me. the Dr. was on her way but i was afarin she wouldn't make it. The nurse (Carol) was wonderful, she said the baby's gonna come if that thats what it wants to do and she has delivered several so it was okay if it were to happen.
The Dr. did get there in time though, I pushed a few times and he was out at 1113. Just less than 4 hours since the very beginning of my labor! It hurt like hell though and I was very afraid and yelling " Get it out, just get it out!!"
My main inspiration was that once the baby was out the pain would stop.
I didn't tear or anything and actually experienced less trauma and pain afterwards in my body than I had giving birth to Seth, maybe because the labor was so quick it didn't wear as hard on my body? In any case everything worked out well. No complications at all. We had to remain in the hospital for 48 hours due to my Group B Strep positive status so that was a drag but it gave me a chance to rest before coming home.
Oh by the way, it was a boy. Sean Elijah is what we named him and he was 7 lbs. 14 oz 21 inches long. He is cute as a button and we love him very much ( of course).
Little Sean is a great sleeper..during the day. At night he is miserable and wide awake. I guess in time he will be better. I am feeling pretty good. I have energy again and can pick stuff off of the floor again!
No more stomach problems, no more pain. Did I mention I have energy again! LOL
I don't feel as isolated and lonely this time, maybe because Seth is here so it's not just me and a little baby. Maybe it's because I've done this before so I'm not so nervous and unsure.
Plus David has been an enormous help and so has my mom.
I do feel a little bittersweet about the fact that I won't ever be pregnant again. Sounds odd now since I was so miserable a week ago but pregnancy is a good feeling and I'm a little bit sad I won't feel it again. David did leave it up to me whether we would try for a girl but I know that it's just not a good idea, logically or financially. Two is a good number.
I love my house of boys. And they love me. :)

I don't rememeber being this miserable...

Last night I was just so tired of being tired and nauseated and the loose stools and the soreness and a crampiness.
So David and I called my mom to stay with Seth and off to Labor and Delivery we went...
I was still 1 cm dilated and my cervix wasn't doing anything either but I WAS having contractions, most likely Braxton-Hicks though since they weren't doing anything. The nurse said it was most likely due to the diarrhea I was having. Apparently there is a stomach virus going around and they believe that is what I have.I was there for about three hours and recieved a bag of IV fluids ( since I WAS quite dehydrated) and they monitored me and sent me home with a sleeping pill ( Which worked quite nicely, I might add)
So now I am not very nauseated but everything I eat or drink goes right through me, and the diarrhea is all liquid so I can't imagine it will be long before I am dehydrated again, if I am not already. I am trying and trying to drink but my stomach hurts so much. And my legs are so weak, I just feel so tired.
David has been wonderful taking care of everything so I can rest alot but tomorrow when he goes to work it's going to be hard to manage Seth in my current state. I swear that boy is driving me nuts with his constant destruction throughout the house, I just can't tolerate it right now. I sure hope I feel better in the morning.

Will it be a weekend baby?

At my last appointment on Wed. I was still 1 cm., 50% effaced. Still no progress. My next appt. is scheduled for March 2 for the Dr. to strip my membranes so I can avoid the awful Pitocin crap.
I have been feeling crappy for the last two days. My appetite has been extremely poor and I was feverish a couple night ago. Very achy yesterday. Today I awoke feeling alright but passed a big glob of icky mucus this morning and have been feeling occasional discomfort in my lower belly and lower back. Does it mean something or doesn't it? I guess I just have to wait and see.
I honestly just don't feel right so I think somethings up.

I can't imagine where he gets it from..

Picture it: the rock station is playing on the digital cable. One cute two year old boy dancing and bopping his little head while he pretends to play a very small plastic toy guitar.
If you are picturing it like I saw it, it's quite an adorable site. He loves music, and he's watched Daddy play his guitar and sing enough times to want to imitate him. I am very proud of my boys, especially since my family is musically challenged. That's not to say we don't enjoy our tunes but don't ask us to dance or sing. It's certainly not pretty!
That aside I am feeling large and slow more and more by the day. I have three work days left until my leave begins and I am ready!
baby is squirming and stretching all the time. I am not having any contractions or even Braxton-Hicks contractions lately. I kinda wish I would because I am becoming anxious to have my energy back. And I wouldn't miss having to urinate constantly either. THAT got very old months ago. I don't enjoy spending half of my day in the bathroom.
I have this fear that I will go a week beyond my due date and I will have to be induced anyway. My mom is predicting Feb. 25 or 26. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict March 1st just for the heck of it.

37 week appointment

First of all.. Happy Valentines Day!!! David and I recieved a gift card for Outback Steakhouse for Christmas so we used that last night for our Valentines day dinner. It was very nice. Heather watched Seth for us. Unfortunately there won't be any nookie for David this Valentine's since I am so very large. Yes, I know many women do it until the day they give birth but I just can't think of a proper way to do it that wouldn't be very awkward. Plus, I get winded even thinking about it,LOL!
Anyway, baby heart rate was fine. My BP was fine. My urine showed some WBCs so they are going to send it to a lab to see if it grows anything that would require me to take some antibiotics.
I also found that my cervix is about 50% effaced and 1 cm dilated. No big deal. About any woman that ever gave birth has a 1 cm dilated cervix.
I think I have dropped a bit more though.
My check from my 401K loan has arrived at my work!!! So David and I will just have to go and sign for it and then I will deposit it into the bank. Now I can get caught up a little and get the blinds and lighting for the baby room. No worries.

Sean Elijah it will be...

If it's a boy, of course. We finally decided on the boy name after many long months of not being able to agree on a middle name. Jillian Ruby or Sean Elijah, I am ready for you.

Nursery is almost complete!!!!!!!

All I really need now is some blinds for the window. The crib is set up, the baby clothing and blankets are all washed AND I have my hospital bag packed. I have a mobile and a bouncy seat from my sis. The swing and the cradle are set up and ready. Now I am not freaked out anymore about things not being ready is the baby comes early.
Now I just need to make it through seven more days of work until my time off begins. Some days are better than others but I am feeling bigger and slower every day. I feel like I am half as effective as I was a few months ago.

My 36/37 week appointment.

I haven't gained any weight since last week, still 155lbs.
Everything was fine ( as usual). My U/S results were good. They are going to check for dilation and effacement next week. I told them that I do NOT want to be induced unless it was absolutely necessary medically.
I did find out that my Dr. will be on vacation during the last week in Feb. so I am hoping that I don't have this baby early. Mostly due to the off chance that my former OB would be on call and have to deliver the baby. I truly dislike him so I don't want anything to do with him.
Seth is really trying me these days. He is absolutely exhausting!

My last U/S (ever)

Baby is in the correct position, heart rate is fine, size is fine. The estimated weight is 5 lbs 15 oz right now. The U/S tech had some trouble finding a good pocket of fluid without cord in the way though since my uterus was so full of baby. I'm hoping it's okay though.
My mom brought Seth to see the U/S, he didn't care. He wanted to run throughout the hospital and say "hi!" to everyone and ,of course, touch everything. My poor mom was exhausted by the time we were through.
Then Seth and I went to Walmart to price some baby items. I found a decent crib for $120 so I think David and I will be going to get it in the next couple days. I also found a set of dresser drawers for $84 that I'd like to get for Seth's room.
The nursery is ready, just needs furniture now. I just might have it all together before this baby comes!!

Almost 36 week appt.

Originally my EDD was 3-2-07 ( by conception date) My Dr. office changed it to 3-4-07 ( by U/S estimate). I tell everyone it's March 2, close enough. So my calculations make me 2 days more pregnant.
Anyway, my appt. was good. Everything was good, baby heart rate ,BP, measurements ,etc. Monday is my U/S appt to check baby's position and all.
Today Walter's wife was induced. Apparently he says that she was having such violent contractions that she was vomiting. I hope to God that I don't have to be induced. I want it to happen naturally this time.

I am super preggo bitch!

Poor David. I really am quite the nag lately ( just refer to my previous entry) and I do feel quite badly about it but I just want stuff done! You see, then I won't have the room to worry about. I can move on to worrying about something else. And ,yes, there are plenty of things to worry about. Only one wall of the nursery needs to be painted yet and that would be done if I didn't run out. I will have to wait until pay day to purchase more so in the mean time I would like to shampoo the carpet, that's tomorrow's task of the day.
I had a baby shower at work today, a lovely surprise. It was mostly for this other pregnant girl that I am friends with but I suppose they included me to be nice. I honestly did not expect anything,this being baby #2 and all. I got alot of onesies and blankets. I have sio many receiving blankets it's absolutely ridiculous! And nice pretty soft ones as well. There is no way I will use all of them!!!
I told David to ask Walter if he might need some blankets for his upcoming addition. They are nice and brand new. I also gave David a stuffed lamb to bring to the hospital if he goes to visit Walter's baby after he's born tomorrow.
Right now I feel pretty good. Haven't had any backaches lately. More like feet and leg discomfort..and feet swelling. Not severe, but uncomfortable anyway. Also the occasional braxton-hicks contractions, mostly when i am very anxious or upset. My little ones head seems to be doing a number on my bladder though. I have to urinate so frequently and today at work, it felt like I was having actual bladder spasms. Once I emptied my bladder I was okay though. Strange. I seem to have the occasional cervical twinge and I wonder whats actually going on way down there.
Being a nurse I wonder what every little pain and discomfort means, if anything. I don't jump to conclusions and get freaked out but I wonder just the same.
Oh , and I got a $25 American Express gift card today today so now I can afford my bouncy seat that I want so much. Hee Hee.:)

2 year old + painting a room = frustration for all

I have this horrible fear that this baby isn't going to wait until it's due date and nothing will be ready in time. So therefore I have gone into near panic mode, I need to have everything ready and set for when the time comes. Unfortunately, limited finances have made this a slow process. The only really big thing I need is a crib, but really, I do have a cradle that the baby can sleep in until I get one. So it's not like the baby won't have somewhere to sleep. It just feels like a nursery isn't complete without a crib.
About the painting though. We are painting two walls across from each other green with ivory stripes and the other two walls will simply be ivory.Attempting to paint with Seth around is a horrid nightmare!! He wants to " help" paint, but he wants to paint ivory on the green walls and vice versa and himself in the process *sigh* And if just one of us is in the room with it locked he fusses and fusses to get in. And even trying to organize the baby things with him around is difficult. He keeps insisting " open it" or " have it".
He hasn't been listening to us lately and has been extra crabby. I am wondering if he is more aware of this whole new baby thing than we know. Maybe he is already starting to get upset with the whole idea of having competition for Mom and Dad's attention. Sometimes he seems to be far more observant that we give him credit for so I wouldn't be so surprised. Poor little guy. He won't be my only little boy anymore.
David isn't very motivated at all. He has a hard time understanding that my due date is March 2. He claims that since this child was conceived June 9 that the due date should be March 9 instead. I tried to explain that it is calculated in weeks , 40 to be exact, which is really 10 months of pregnancy and that includes two weeks BEFORE conception because pregnancy is dated by last menstrual period.
That just confused him more.

34 week OB update

I am up to 155lbs. so I am gaining more and more and more. I need to put the brakes on this nonsense and start eating salads for lunch instead of quarter pounders!! My BP is good, urine neg, fetal HB is great. Baby is moving around all the time. The Dr. stated that the head is down now, she placed my fingers down near my pubic bone and told me that I was feeling the baby's head. I felt something but my untrained fingers couldn't tell a baby head from a full bladder!
At least now I know why I have to urinate every half hour though! The head is probably compressing my bladder to the size of a thimble.:)
She was going to do my group B strep test this week or next but I reminded her that I was positive last time so she said we could skip the test and they will give me antibiotics during labor anyway, since I most likely am still a carrier. I do have to schedule my last U/S in the next couple weeks, my mom is going to go with me and bring Seth along so he can see the baby.
I will be going every week now until the end. I can't believe it's almost here!!!!! A little scary actually.
I have been having alot of pelvic discomfort lately, in the back and especially in my pubic bone area. ( Again, easily explained by the baby's head down position) Alot of pressure as well. Very annoying. My mom is predicting that I won't make it to my due date and her husband is predicting Feb. 19. I don't know what I think. Seth made it to his due date and I would have gone past if I wasn't induced so I am not thinking I will go early.

We are in the process of painting the nursery. Then we will shampoo the carpet and we will be able to set up the furniture. What little furniture we have, of course. I have a glider chair and a changing table and a swing.I just need a set of drawers and a crib. Wow! I can't believe it's almost time!!!!

Good fortune occurs when you least expect it

I haven't ever been the most religious person around. I believe in God but I don't attend church nor do I pray often. Somehow He has been good to me all of these years, maybe I have a guardian angel or perhaps just a bit of luck.
This week has been super tight as far as finances go. I mean we are talking about $25 until Friday tight. But we received a check in the mail today from our mortgage company today for $248! Apparently our escrow account had a surplus...AND as of March 1st our mortgage payment will be reduced from $821.00 to $755.00!! Every little bit counts, you know.
See what I mean about guardian angels and luck? You may think I'm crazy, but I truly believe someone upstairs is looking out for me.:)

Florida winters are ridiculous!

Today it was in the high 80s with the heat index. I was so very hot! I would LOVE a few days in the snow , I'd probably strip my clothes right off and run around in the cold. Ok , not really. But I bet that would be refreshing!!!

Another bump in the road...

Of course, will it ever end? And my mom wonders why I'm such a nutcase these days.
David has a slow work week (again) next week. So I paid the mortgage with my most recent pay check and the next one I would like to get back on track and pay it early. How am I going to pay all of the other crap that's due, you ask? Good question. I have about $600 bills due for the rest of the month..not including credit cards. My credit card is majorly over limit due to late fees and interest and the minimum due is $ 522.00!!! I think I am going to have to suck it up and take it to a credit counseling agency because the interest and fees are eating me alive!!!
I was hoping that I could pay the rest of the bills with the paychecks David recieves in the next couple weeks but if they are slow I am out of luck. David says that we could get caught up with our tax return but i had to remind him that the tax return will need to keep us going for the 3 months I am out of work because I may not get my short term disability check until near the end of my leave.
Oddly enough I feel better having written all of that, sort of like i have transferred my worries onto someone elses shoulders, even though I haven't.
At least while David is out of work he can clean the baby room and prepare it for furniture. He gets awfully irritable when I nag him about it and financial issues but I need to remember that he is probably more stressed out than me. It's not HIS fault his work is slow and he is well aware that it's the worst time for this to happen. He wants to be the good provider that takes care of his family but things aren't seeming to work out this way.
I would like to have the room clear and ready for my baby shower stuff on Saturday. I need somewhere to put my stuff and set up the swing and all. If I don't have a crib yet it's okay since I will be getting the cradle back from my sis and baby will be sleeping in that at first anyway.
I need to get a set of drawers to put the baby clothes in. I suppose that I could always use a couple of Seth's empty drawers in his room for now. So the furniture will be a little sparse..eh, it's small room anyway.

I always like to think that God won't ever give you something you can't handle, but i am a little more sensitive to my surroundings than most. I like to think God knows that. But I also think that God may not be too pleased with me, I still blame him for things that go wrong. David consistently reminds me that I shouldn't do that. I rarely bring myself to pray because I am so bitter over the circumstances in my own life. I seem to think I am special and that I deserve better and wonder why I am being punished after I have worked so hard to get where I am. Did I not work hard enough? Is it because I am a moody and anxious person? I suppose God made me that way and he doesn't make mistakes , does he?
Has He given up on me? Is it because I wonder how some people are born into extreme wealth and don't have to lift a finger and they aren't good people? How is that fair when I struggle? I guess I feel like I want to give up at times.
God has given me a wonderful family and if you could survive on love I would be in excellent shape. I have the most adorable, sweet kid ever ( don't know how that happened!) A husband that thinks I am the hottest woman ever even when I am big, pregnant and stretchmarked. He always says the right thing. And a family that would do anything for each other. Even when we tend to get on each other's nerves at times!
I guess that I do have wealth of some sort, but I sure wish it would help me pay the bills.

If anyone out there finished this entire entry, I apologize wholeheartedly for my ramblings. But thank you for taking your time. Maybe say a prayer for me. :)

He's just a little guy:(

While we were at the playground today Seth was running around saying" hi!" to all of the other kids ( and their moms too) He happened to really like this other boy that was around the same size as him, his mom said that he was 18 months old! Seth is about 27 months old and was the same size as this little boy. So I look up all of the growth charts and all and I see that he is in the 10-25% for weight and 25% for height, and that's just barely. He is 25lbs. and 34 inches. Just a little guy.:( I worry about this. But the Dr. said in October that Seth has always been on the small side so he's consistent. And that even a kid in the 25% averages at about 5'8" at full height.
I guess Seth will be little like us, I was hoping that he would get tall genes from my dad's side of the family. I am 5'5" and David is 5'6" and neither of us have ever been heavy, actually in our younger years we were both a little underweight. Oh, well. I just don't want him to be the shortest kid in the class when he gets to school, you know?
Otherwise he's developing quite normally talking , running, climbing, and his social skills are excellent. Now if I could just get him to stop using the bottle!! He adamantly refuses to drink from any other type of cup, he throws it down and won't have anything to do with it. I don't want him to end up dehydrated!

Seth loves Soundgarden??

As we were cruising along listening to my Soundgarden CD I looked back and Seth is bopping away to it. Now, he does this most anytime he hears music at home but it's usually songs on his TV shows, not Soundgarden of all things. Weird, but he does try to sing along to my Hinder and Killers CDs. Not sure if that's a good thing come to think of it.
But I just can't bring myself to listen to kid's music in the car. Nope, can't do it.
I brought the car in for repairs this morning. I ended up with a Ford Focus rental, piece of crap if you ask me. My car is far better kept up and much nicer on the inside and outside. I wasn't ever foolish enough to believe that my Chevy Cobalt was a luxury car or anything but next to the thing I'm driving today it may as well be. The Focus is quite basic and boring..and automatic. My Cobalt is so much better, at least it's only for a couple days.

It's all coming together..

This weekend David worked very, very hard. He cleaned and painted the garage, AND he moved all the furniture into the garage from the future baby room. So now everything is set up in the garage and it's actually quite nice and homey. We have to let the other room air out a bit and David is going to get some carpet remnants somewhere so we can have some new carpet in there. Then I will just need to fix it up and set up the baby stuff. I need to get the cradle from my sister and some time in the next 7 weeks we will get a crib. I have a swing and stroller and changing table and well, the basics. But I will be getting some stuff at my baby shower on the 27th. I love to have less to worry about.
David's work is picking up beginning this next week so we will have some money again!!! Yay!!! I think it's going to be a-okay.

My flippin' vanity is a horrible thing!

I don't like being big, granted I'm not overweight, I am pregnant but I would much rather be normal again. My feet ache because I weigh so much and my back aches due to my big belly and supersize boobs. I feel so slow and heavy at all times.
I like to be thin and energetic so I can run and play with my son. So I can out in public and feel good about myself and look healthy. And ,of course, I like to feel like I look good when I go places. Instead of thinking that I look like an enormous blob.
I want my energy back.

33 week appt.

Everything is normal. I weigh 150 and my BP is 100/68. I told the ARNP about my lingering anxiety following the accident and the excessive Braxton-Hicks contractions I was having afterwards as well.As long as the baby is still moving all around she wasn't worried.
My back is still a bit tender in areas but it doesn't consistently hurt.
The damage to my car is estimated to cost $750.00. I am going to drop it off next wed. and pick it up the following day. I also will be getting a rental car-hopefully something cool.


The picture is of David and Seth watching "The Lord of the Rings" last night. I think I will keep them both, they are awfully cute!

Car crash

Today Seth and I had lunch at Mamaw's house. We had a lovely time and Seth and I were quite worn down. On the way home I thought I would take the long way in hopes that Seth would fall asleep in the car and take a short nap, since he refuses to nap like normal kids. Anyway, the traffic on Midway was horrible, the cars were backed up for quite a ways at the stop light, eh, I wasn't in a hurry so no big deal. After sitting in traffic for a couple minutes I felt a sudden bump from behind. Blech, I'd been hit!
First thing I did was look in the back seat at Seth..well, he was happy as can be, obviously not injured. He didn't even realize what happened.
So I get out of the car and start having a lovely anxiety attack, meanwhile I was getting some wicked Braxton-Hicks contractions. They seemed to continue quite frequently for an hour afterward as well.
The guy who hit me tried to play down the damage, but I informed him that it was a lease car and I needed to have ANY damage repaired. My bumper was very scraped up and slightly dented. We also noticed later that the pressure from hitting the center of the bumper had slightly displaced the bumper on either side where it meets the rest of the car.
Anyway I told the guy I needed to call the police, but first I called my husband because I was having such an anxiety issue that I couldn't seem to think straight. He arrived very quickly , the police arrived 15 minutes after I called. David was very helpful calling my insurance for advice and helping with Seth and was very supportive in calming me down.
I did notice that by the time the officer had completed the accident report I was having alot of pain in my L lower back. I did call my Dr. when i got home to inform her but she only advised me to take some Tylenol. My back is feeling better now but it's still tender in that one area and I feel awfully stiff. The anxiety attack took alot out of my though, I was still feeling very anxious through the evening and still am actually. Hopefully I will be better in the morning.
The other driver was cited for careless driving and I have already filed my claim with his insurance company.
I need to sleep now, I've had enough excitement for one day....

The purpose of this blog..

There are two reasons that I blog, and I am not sure if I have written this before so please pardon me if I have.
1. I like to document my life. How I feel during my pregnancy, new and cute things that Seth does and even how I overcome obstacles I encounter in my life. Sometimes I like to read my old blog entries just for my enjoyment.
2. Years ago when I was diagnosed with severe depression a therapist advised me to write down my emotions to help me deal with them. I find that writing how I feel is extraordinarily therapeutic for me. For example, if I am feeling sad or angry, or especially depressed, I find if I write down how I am feeling and why, I can get it off of my chest and I feel better. It really works and is cheaper than a therapist!

I have been rather whiny in the past few weeks and that's because I had been very irritable with the holidays and finances, heck maybe it was hormones or even the moon phase, I don't know. But as soon as the holidays were over I began to feel myself again.
So when I make negative comments here about family, work ,or the price of rice in China..most likely it's because I am irritated at that moment. Not necessarily that I hate everyone. Trust me, if I kept it all bottled up..THEN we would have a problem!
I notice myself that I tend to blog far more often in times of distress than in times of happiness, and #2 above explains why.

Yes, I know this is a public blog and I am not worried about that because, you see, I haven't any secrets. I don't have a dark or questionable past and certainly nothing to hide. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of anything I have done. And though I haven't been proud of every decision I have made, I don't regret anything I have done because all of those decisions eventually brought me to where I am now and made me the person I am now. And it's not the worst life a girl could have..not by a long shot. I have worked long and hard to get where I am and every morning I wake up and I respect myself for that.

Whew, thank goodness it over!!!!!

All of the holidays that is. I am feeling better already now that all that crap is over and done with, now I can get on with my life and get back to normal!!!
It feels as if a huge weight is off of my shoulders and it's not because I suddenly came into money or that I aquired a bigger house. Everything is the same, just now I don't have the pressure on me to purchase Christmas gifts that I can't afford or to celebrate holidays ( like New Years) that aren't anything I care to celebrate. Whoo hoo another year, probably quite similar to the 29 that preceded it. It's hard to get too thrilled when you can't drink. Sad, eh?
David has cleared and cleaned the garage. He's really working hard to ensure that we can move the computer and all out there and get the baby's room ready. That's the fun part for me. 2 months and counting!!!
Kick, kick, kick. That's all I seem to feel these days. I must admit I truly dislike the rib kicks, those are bloody painful!! But I try to tell myself to enjoy it while it lasts because this is the last time I will be pregnant. No more babies for me! David will be getting a vasectomy about 6 months after this one is born. I *think* he might be having some second thoughts though because he really wants a girl but I am quite sure I won't be changing mine about shutting down the baby making machine.
If not I will suggest to him that HE carry the child and endure all of this back pain, constipation and super-size boobs ( though he'd probably enjoy those,LOL) Oh, And then HE can stay at home for the first three months while I go off to work and then I will tell him that I cannot get up with the baby in the night beacuse I have to go to work in the morning. And I have to pass medications to people and that, of course, is very important so I must have a well rested brain in order to do so.
It is now time for Seth to eat. Geez, I'm so flipping uncomfortable! I am at 32 weeks now that, for all idiots, is 8 months. I wish my abdomen was longer because I'm not quite sure where else this baby is going to go. I'm simply running out of room!
Actually isn't it interesting when you think about how much extra a pregnant woman can carry inside her and not rupture? At the end there is an average 7-8 lb. baby in there along with the enlarged uterus and extra fluids, don't forget all of the usual organs are still in there . What must it look like inside an abdomen outside of pregnancy, you'd think there must be a bunch of empty space. Just a thought, a very random one.

Happy new year's eve

I am doubtful I will be awake to ring in the new year. I have to work early in the morning. I don't feel much like a party anyway. I am so worried about this next baby. How are we going to manage? How am I going to handle two kids? Will my mom be able to watch the both of them when i go back to work or am I going to have to try to arrange child care which will be twice as expensive? If we can hardly pay our bills on time now how will we manage when I am out of work for three months? I'm wondering if this wasn't the best idea, I'm so scared.
When we planned this David was making more money but David's boss cut his pay and now things are more difficult. I just want to cry all the time because I have no idea how we will survive. I wanted two kids but don't know how it's all going to work. I just don't know what we are going to do.

drunken people ..

are idiots. When you are pregnant and need help with something people feel bad for you and ,usually, are very willing to give you a hand. Well, when you are simply a drunken idiot no one is going to help you..especially your pregnant wife.

Christmas and all that jazz..

It was an unseasonably warm and humid day. I must admit I was feeling quite miserable and blah on Christmas, who wouldn't when it's stormy and hot outside. Gross. Christmas in Florida is horrible, even more so when you are pregnant and the temperature feels extremely warm inside and outside and it feels soo good to wander into a walk in freezer. Actually it's been years since I wandered into a walk in freezer but these days I just wish I had one I could hang out in sometimes. One day I hope and pray I will get enough nerve to move away from this horrible state and live somewhere with real seasons. Yes, my friend, Florida is a joke. Why do I live here you ask? I was born here and all of my family lives in this town so it's a bit difficult to break away. I'm not like all the other looneys here that chose to move here. ( David being one of them , but family issues were involved)
Anyway we first ended up my grandma's house where David, Seth and I ate breakfast and opened lots of gifts. My Dad, sis, bro-in-law, brother, neice, and of course, Heather ( Sean's g-friend) were all there. David and I were rather tired so we weren't too festive. We had a nice time I suppose. Oh, my mom was there as well. All in all it was a bit boring.
Afterwards we went to David's mom's house where we had a boring time as well and then i took David home and visited at mom's for a bit.
Maybe it's because of my pregnancy and my general winter blahs that I have been experiencing that created such a dull Christmas. I was actually glad when it was all over with.
David got me a Scooba though and I was very pleased with this. It is a robotic floor cleaning device and I couldn't have gotten it at a better time. I simply cannot get down and scrub the floors these days and it does excellent work. Seth got alot of toys and books, of course.

December 27 was my 30 week OB appt. Of course, everything was normal. I had only gained 1 lb since my last appt. two weeks ago and for that I was thrilled!! I'm glad I am not gaining as rapidly as I was before. Baby is kicking and stretching all the time. Sometimes it can get quite painful when those little body parts are stretching into my ribs. Lately my appetite has dropped to almost nothing! I eat simply because I have to more than for hunger, I have to sleep with two pillows because my heartburn and stomach bothers me when I lie down. I am also very slow and my endurance continues to be very poor. My feet hurt alot and my back still aches.
I think I am beginning some depression though and I am going to start my Zoloft at the new year.
I've been feeling very irritable and sad. I've been feeling very sorry for myself and I need to calm down and cheer up! I hate feeling so down. I really wish i didn't feel like I have an on going battle with mental illness. How I wish I could be normal. Damned genetics!!! Why is it that anxiety and depression are so prevalent in my blood line. Is poor Seth doomed to a life of antidepressants?? I guess only the future will show. I just hope he has an easier time than I have had.

Bah..Humbug!

I'm miserable and I am completely aware that it is all my fault. I am so extremely broke. I can't afford Christmas stuff, heck I can't afford to pay my damn bills. How am I going to afford to be out of work for three months? How am i going to afford two kids? Why was a such a slacker in high school? Why couldn't I have a wealthy family that could send me to college? I couldn't afford it and now I am stuck being pathetically poor forever. Why did i think that we could have another child? Why didn't I realize how difficult this will make my life? How am i going to afford child care for two kids? Why am I such an idiot?

My most recent appointement..

It was this past Wednesday. Everything was normal, like usual. Heart rate was good. My weight is 147 lbs. meaning I have gained a grand total of 30 lbs!!! That was a little scary, but David says it's all beauty. What a fruitcake. I love him though.
My glucose test and hemoglobin results were normal, as I expected. I am feeling quite large and slow and by the end of the day I usually have a back ache. My feet begin to hurt if I am on them too long and I am started to get occasional kicks in the ribs which are very unpleasant. I also am still battling constipation problems so I think I may up my Fibercon to twice a day. I am drinking plenty of water so that isn't the issue!
It is becoming more and more difficulty to pick seth up and carrying him is almost impossible. I can't tell if he is heavier or I am just weaker. David suspects it's a little of both. :) David tries to help out alot, anything that I ask of him he does. He is good to me, but I wish i could do more without having to rely on others. I don't like having limitations. At least it will be over before I know it. I remember how great of a feeling it was the day after i gave birth to Seth that i felt so light on my feet i wanted to float in the air! there's nothing like losing 15lbs. or so in a day. i was still a bit overweight after as well but I sure did feel good! Body and crotch pain and all.. Yeah, I wasn't fun having to sit on a pillow for a few days since my vagina felt like..well.. like i had given birth. It hadn't experienced that trauma before. Oh, my poor vagina, i promise that i will only do this to you once more. :)

Christmas stinks...

Not the reason for Christmas, of course, but the excessive spending that goes along with it. I love to shop for others, don't get me wrong, but this year money is tight. Very tight..and I am quite annoyed by this fact. Actually for some reason, this month seems worse than others, but there isn't any reason for it. We haven't made any large purchases and our bills are the same as always.
I am so envious when i see other people out shopping for so many nice things and I realize i can't. David and i are still paying on credit cards from last year so we certainly don't want to use them. I am feeling quite pathetic and yes, I am felling sorry for myself as well. I don't like that.
david and I have worked very hard for what we have and I think we are good, decent people but we just can't ever get ahead. Then you have peopl like my sister that dropped out of high school, got a GED, never held a decent job for any significant amount of time, even spent years at a time without a job, for no reason, and she always had anything. Somehow everything ended up going her way. She can stay home with her daughter and spend like mad without even caring about it. Her husband isn't rich either..I don't know how it works.
Then my brother ,who barely graduated from high school, can't hold a job either, dropped out of the Navy because he couldn't handle it but always gets everything he wants. People just keep giving him money and buying his stuff and he doesn't have a motivated bone in his body. Why?
I suppose this is where someone would say, "At least you have say you've accomplished something in your life without being supported by others. " or " At least you can respect yourself and know that others respect you as well" But respect doesn't pay the bills, my friend.
I'm still resentful that my parents decided to divorce the morning of my high school graduation, bleh. I wonder if they knew it would be the only legitimate graduation that any of their kids would have if they would have treated it as such an unimportant occasion. Yes, I probably require some therapy to iron out some of these issues, but that costs money.
I am due to have a baby in a few mere months, and i am starting to panic at the thought of losing my paycheck for 3 months. I can only hope that our tax return will help us out during that time. I simply don't know how we are going to manage, but I know I cannot return to work sooner than 3 months time. I will be far too tired. Maybe, just maybe I will be able to collect my short term disability. I certainly hope so. I'm not scared about having a new baby, especially now that I know I can keep a child alive for over 2 years ( and longer) I have proven to myself that i can do it. I just don't know how the finances will work out. When we planned this baby our finances were a little better sorted out so it wasn't so much of an issue then. I am thinking maybe take out a ridiculous loan or something to pay off our credit cards and maybe our one loan so we would have one payment to make instead of three. I really would like to get rid of those high interest credit cards...Damned credit cards...
i'm feeling better now having gotten this all off of my chest.

What a busy, Christmas-y day!

The Christmas parade in Punta Gorda was at noon. It lasted a couple hours and the weather was mildly warm with a bit of a breeze. Seth enjoyed all of the floats and had to say "hi!" to everyone!!! Apparently I received quite a sunburn on my shoulders ahd didn't even realize it. Oh, well! Then this eveniing we went ot see the lighted boat parade, we stopped at the beginning point and saw a few but we wanted to see them all! so went to Punta Gorda again so we could wait for the boats to come by but it got too late and we left without seeing them.
We saw a few people we knew though and it was nice to get out. We are all exhausted and ready to sleep, hence the boring nature of this specific blog entry. :)
I am going to sleep well tonight!