Friday, March 30, 2007

My Sean-free evening

My brother Sean's girlfriend offered to do an "all-nighter" if i wanted her to. Of course, I took her up on it. I needed to get some rest! So she came over yesterday evening and David and I went out for a couple drinks since she was here with the boys. We had a lovely time with us drinking, and talking and laughing. It was just like the old days.
When we got home we ate and went to bed. I didn't have to get up with Sean all night. But at the same time we stayed up too late, so we probably got about the same amount of sleep as usual. But it was uninterrupted!

David sold his car.:( Now he has to find a cheapy truck so he can use it for work. He is out looking right now. He has $3,000 to play with since the remaining $1,500 went to catch us up on bills. It sucks but they had to be paid. I honestly do feel better that we did that.
We couldn't catch up the credit cards though. Why bother, our credit is ruined already. there isn't any way we could do the minimum payments they want at this point. It's not as bad of a debt as some people, I suppose. Our credit card debt is around $8,400. Our medical bill debt is just over $1,000 so far. I do have bills coming in all the time. It's amazing what it cost to have a baby! Thank God insurance paid for most of it!

Monday, March 26, 2007

The air show

Seth and David both love planes and helicopters so we always have to attend the annual air show. So off we went, all four of us. And we had a really great time. Well, all but Sean, he just slept the whole time.
Seth and David were thrilled about getting to see the many planes and helicopters on display. I was more interested in the airplanes doing their fancy tricks iin the sky. It was totally worth the money that we spent that we really shouldn't have...
I got a pretty bad sunburn on my shoulders and chest which is very sore. Everyone else was fine though. I remembered to put sunblock on them!

I need to go back to work. Being poor sucks.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I guess that's why they call it the blues

I have finally realized what feeling this reminds me of. It is much like the feeling of breaking up with someone you loved for a long time. It's an empty, hollow feeling in your chest as if something that once was there is suddenly missing. An aching in your heart. A full body sadness.
But I can't figure out exactly why. When you break up with someone you have lost something that was once there. Having a baby you suddenly have another person where once there wasn't any, so shouldn't you feel less lonely and empty?
I know, I know..it has to do with hormone fluctuations and major life change issues. Last time I remember mourning the loss of my freedom and independence. This time, I'm not sure. Am I mourning the loss of what little freedom I had? Could it be my crappy financial situation since I'm out of work? I really think it has to do with the fact that I won't be pregnant again. I really know that we shouldn't have any more kids. But as miserable as I was during the latter part of my pregnancy I will be sad not to experience it again.
Maybe it's because for 9 months you have this build-up of excitement about waiting and waiting and having the baby. But then the day actually somes and it's all over with and you have this little person that is as cute as can be but they cry alot and want to be held alot and they don't let you sleep at night. And they can't even smile at you to let you know that they at least appreciate you.

I have to say I don't feel nearly as down as I did the first time around but perhaps the Zoloft could account for that. I have happy days and then some days are just plain lonely. Today is a lonely day.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Sean's first trip to my work..

Since I had to fill out some paperwork to add Sean onto my insurance I thought I would take this opportunity to show him off at work and he was a hit!!! Of course, I figured he would be. Everyone wanted to see him and told me how "perfect" he was. They also told me how great I looked for just having a baby. I told them that I was going to come up there any day I was feeling down and thinking I was fat so everyone can make me feel good! LOL.
Last I checked I was 136 lbs. but that was a few days ago. I still feel big but, of course, people keep saying " You just had a baby 3 weeks ago!" It'll come off eventually.
I am tired, so very tired. Sean doesn't like to sleep alone. he prefers to sleep on someone or in your arms. Very exhausting. Heather said that since she is on spring break next week that she will come over and do an " all nighter" one day so I can sleep one night. God bless Heather!!! That girl is so sweet. And Seth loves her, little Sean seems to like her quite well also. I certainly hope my brother marries her one day.
Actually I should be sleeping right now. Goodnight

Thursday, March 15, 2007

I can't stand staying at home!

It makes me feel very sad and lonely to stay in the house all day with the boys. I have to get out! But the question is where?
I can't afford a double stroller right now so if we go anywhere I have to put Sean in the baby carrier and Seth in the stroller or Sean in a stroller and have Seth walk. That's awfully difficult though if we go to a crowded place since Seth likes to run everywhere and socialize...I'd be afraid to lose him. I don't have money to spend so it would have to be a free place, but the park can get so hot so quickly. We could go walking at the mall just to get out, I suppose. I can't go hang out with my mom or grandmother every day. They will get sick of me.
I have never been a person who likes to stay at home, unless I am feeling very tired or ill. I am very active and so is Seth. I know he gets sick of hanging around the house.
I really need a double stroller I guess. I was hoping to not have to buy anymore baby equpment since I have two strollers already and barely have anwhere to store them. Besides I really didn't want to spend any more money.

David and I went out last night to the Celtic Ray to watch the Peelers and drink a couple beers. we had a very good time but I am afraid that my two beers affected me more than I anticipated. My head hurts today. I suppose I should eat before I drink, huh? Goodness knows I always nag David about that. It was nice to get out and have some grown-up time with other adults. I think what I really miss is interaction with other adults during the day. I am home with two little boys but still feel lonely.

Monday, March 12, 2007

So far, so good

Sean is sleeping okay. He wakes every 2-3 hours on average to eat in the night. He takes about 30 minutes or so to eat and then he goes back to sleep. He's not really fussy and doesn't cry unless he needs food. I'm thinking I got lucky this time!
Seth is utterly fascinated by him, he just stares and stares at Baby Sean, as he calls him. He also likes to count Sean's eyes and ears and beep his nose. Very cute, but sometimes he doesn't seem to understand that he has to be gentle with the baby.
I try to keep us all busy in the day so the boys sleep well in the night. Besides I cannot stand hanging around the house all day.
It is very hard not having my paycheck though, it sucks actually. We really don't have any extra money for anything. We barely have money for what we need and unfortunately some things will have to be paid late. I will most likely have to return to work after 8 weeks instead of the 12 weeks I had originally intended. I think it's ridiculous that we don't have paid maternity leave in this country.
At least since Sean is sleeping better than Seth did at his age it may not be as bad going back to work. I will be very tired though. Oh well, I have to do what I have to do.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

More pics



Some hospital pics































Reflections- courtesy of the new baby

I say that since, for some reason, I have been pondering alot of my past and remembering memories lately. Maybe it's hormones that have made me a little emotional or maybe it's the moments in the middle of the night I find myself rocking my new son in the dark quiet of the night staring at his beautiful face.
Whatever it is, I have to say I feel extremely content these days. I am so proud of the family that David and I have created. I have two beautiful little boys and a wonderful husband.
If you had told me years ago when I first saw David that I would marry him and he would father my two children I would have thought you were high on crack.
After I left my ex boyfriend when I was 21 I found myself severely depressed and friendless. So I started spending alot of time with my sister and her friends, one of which was Walter ( Whom I had originally met through her several years earlier) One night I was attending a party at his house and David walked in. We didn't speak but I remember thinking that he looked a little sad. He certainly didn't have a boisterous personality like Walter! At this time I wasn't aware that he was involved with my sister.
It was probably months later that we had become friends. There was alot of issues with my sister and him and her boyfriend..that part is very complicated.
She wasn't happy with me for awhile. I certainly didn't want to get involved with him due to all that nonsense, but somehow we wanted to spend more and more time together and he really grew on me. I discovered a warm, funny, and sensitive man that had experienced some rough patches in his life. As a depressive, overly sensitive person myself we actually had quite a bit in common. And we drank too much, yes we started out as drinking buddies.
We have had a wonderful life together so far. We have traveled to many different places through the country and had alot of fun!! Then we decided to start a family. We bought our first house and then we went through a horrible hurricane together and many months of housing repairs. We have been married for 5 years and it seems like we have packed 10 years worth of experiences in those years. And it's still only the beginning...

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Seth and mama day

Today my mom came over to watch Sean so that Seth and I could spend some much needed 1:1 time together. We went to the mall for lunch and then to the playground. We had a very fun time and Seth has been pleasant as ever. I told David I want to do this one day every weekend. I reaally think it's good for both of us to spend the quality time together.

Yesterday was Sean's circumcision, he was very brave. Poor little guy. He slept excellently last night. I don't know if it was because of the circ but I hope it wasn't a fluke. He slept for 2-3 hours at a time and would go right back after feedings.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

My life is sleepless yet again..

Sunday night I continued to feel just plain crappy- David even called L+D because he was so worried about me becoming dehydrated again. They advised him to have me drink small sips of fluids and little bits of food if I wasn't wanting to come in for IV hydration. I didn't sleep very restfully because my stomach wasn't right all night. I went to bed early even. David was so great at helping out with Seth.
The next morning I got up to use the bathroom right after David left for work around 0730. A bunch of fluid just fell out of me, i immediately thought I had peed on myself. But since I was dehydrated I was surprised I had so much fluid in me to even urinate! I hadn't been urinating very much due to my stomach problems. Once I sat on the toilet I figured it all out though. The fluid was still falling out of me and I noticed it was clear and pinkish tinged. I called David ,apologizing profusely, and he came right home. Second phone call was my mom and then the Dr. I showered and got all of my things together. Fortunately Seth was still sleeping since I was having quite a few contractions in the meantime, AND they were ones that made me have to stand still until they were over with.
David and I left the house for the hospital around 0830 or so and I continues to have contractions on the ride to the hospital, they were getting worse and worse quite quickly. I didn't even bother timing them since they seemed to be one right after another. When we got to the hospital they checked us in and told us to wait for our nurse to do the admission. I was having alot of pain at this point. Apparently my nurse was on a break and didn't start our admission until 0930. That was when they started my IV fluid and took my blood to the lab. I was eager to get my epidural but was told I had to wait for the lab results, yuck! I did not want to wait. At 0930 they checked me and discovered that I was 5 cm dilated. By 1030 I was still waiting for my epidural and the nurse said she had called the lab twice and they didn't have my results yet. I was begging for it by this time!
At each and every contraction David held me through the whole thing keeping one eye on the monitor so he could tell me when they were going away. He stroked my back and and I leaned my head on his shoulder during them. He was wonderful and I consider myself very lucky to have a great husband who was so supportive.
She informed me to let her know if I got the urge to bear down. Which I did a short time later. She them checked me again telling me that it was too late for the epidural since I was fully dilated! I got very scared at this point knowing I was going to have to give birth unmedicated. I was having the uncontrollable urge to bear down and the nurse didn't discourage me. the Dr. was on her way but i was afarin she wouldn't make it. The nurse (Carol) was wonderful, she said the baby's gonna come if that thats what it wants to do and she has delivered several so it was okay if it were to happen.
The Dr. did get there in time though, I pushed a few times and he was out at 1113. Just less than 4 hours since the very beginning of my labor! It hurt like hell though and I was very afraid and yelling " Get it out, just get it out!!"
My main inspiration was that once the baby was out the pain would stop.
I didn't tear or anything and actually experienced less trauma and pain afterwards in my body than I had giving birth to Seth, maybe because the labor was so quick it didn't wear as hard on my body? In any case everything worked out well. No complications at all. We had to remain in the hospital for 48 hours due to my Group B Strep positive status so that was a drag but it gave me a chance to rest before coming home.
Oh by the way, it was a boy. Sean Elijah is what we named him and he was 7 lbs. 14 oz 21 inches long. He is cute as a button and we love him very much ( of course).
Little Sean is a great sleeper..during the day. At night he is miserable and wide awake. I guess in time he will be better. I am feeling pretty good. I have energy again and can pick stuff off of the floor again!
No more stomach problems, no more pain. Did I mention I have energy again! LOL
I don't feel as isolated and lonely this time, maybe because Seth is here so it's not just me and a little baby. Maybe it's because I've done this before so I'm not so nervous and unsure.
Plus David has been an enormous help and so has my mom.
I do feel a little bittersweet about the fact that I won't ever be pregnant again. Sounds odd now since I was so miserable a week ago but pregnancy is a good feeling and I'm a little bit sad I won't feel it again. David did leave it up to me whether we would try for a girl but I know that it's just not a good idea, logically or financially. Two is a good number.
I love my house of boys. And they love me. :)