I'm thirty-effing-seven. I have many years to go, I hope. But recently I have begun pondering a lot of things about life. I have three wonderful kids and a extraordinary husband that loves me very much. I am a healthy happy person. I have everything I should need but I struggle financially. Much like many others, but since I am only me I cannot compare whose suffering is worse. I can never just go out and get the boys new clothes and school supplies. I have to hope that my work sends some shifts my way. I am at their mercy, and summer isn't the best time of year for a staffing agency.
I wish I could have a new car, I wish I could take my kids on vacation, or even day trips to a neighboring town, or a nice beach in another city. Sometimes I even wish I could buy myself some new clothes or some new shoes or scrubs for work.
I always want lots of things and envy everyone else that seems to have life so easy.
I would like success as well. I see many former coworkers excelling in their lives getting higher and higher degrees and promotions. I see their close knit work environments and their friendships. Friends I used to have when I worked there. But many times when you don't work at a place those friendships fade away and become Facebook acquaintance variety.
I love my job. I work at a staffing agency and go to new places and meet different people all the time and it is awesome. And something not everyone can do as well as I can. Not everyone can jump into a new job and new facility in a moments notice and be able to do it successfully and I am proud that I can.
But in doing that kind of work, I don't develop friendships and meaningful relationships with constant coworkers. I guess it's kind of like one night stands, they are pleasant and fun at the time, but generally unfulfilling. Sort of.
I get lonely not having friends. Honestly I never cared to go out with friends and do a lot of out-of-work socializing. But I had my peeps at my work that I could talk to every day. I miss them very much.
I also wonder if I had a proper , stable home environment in my very vulnerable teen years if I would have done better in school or at least attended 4 years of college, or at least 2, while under my parents roof. Which would have made me more successful today.
My teen years were awful. My parents were at the end of their marriage and their lives were a goddamned mess. Neither of them could really give two craps about us at the time. They decided to divorce on my friggin' high school graduation of all days, which, of course was a depressing , rainy day. Thankfully, I had some good friends to rely on for support. Well, I survived it all to be a bitter woman.
I just wish I could go back to 18, knowing what I know now, and maybe do some things differently. Of course, I would wish for the same husband and the same kids, but maybe a higher level in my career field.
Go back to school? I definitely want to. But my financial aid always comes through after classes begin. Finances were a big problem when I was a teen. I simply could not afford to take more than one class at a time. And financial aid is a clusterfuck. They don't make it easy.
Damn, I wish life came with an instruction book.
