Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Depression- my lifetime struggle

I would give my R foot ( seriously) to not know depression so intimately. I have been struggling with it for my entire adult life, and I suspect part of my teen years. Sometimes I suspect I may be bipolar but I haven't ever been diagnosed.
Some days I feel so great the sun is shining beautifully and I want to clean and take walks and take the kids to festivals and enjoy the world, Oh, how the world has so much to live for!
But other times I hate to get out of bed and I play computer games to distract myself from the numbness in my head. Logically I know I have so much, but emotionally I feel like I am falling, falling and I am trying to grab something , anything and I can't. Everything is bleak and boring and no thing interests me. Soemtimes I tell myself that it's money issues or something that bring me down, but even when I have plenty of money I feel this way, so I know I am lying to myself to find a legitimate reason for my depression.
I don't cry. I just feel numb and blah. I understand why some people cut themselves or do crazy drugs. Sometimes you just want that numbness to go away. So you would rather feel high or drunk, or even feel some pain. Anything but the numbness that depression brings.
Working at detox centers through the staffing agency and taught me that most people with substance abuse issues have mental illnesses. Many are homeless. And, sadly enough, some are teenagers or barely out of their teens and have nowhere to go. So their life sucks AND they have no support or stability AND they are mentally ill AND they are an addict. It's a never ending cycle of detoxing these people and then eventually kicking them back out to live in shelters or whatnot. You can't make the mental illness go away, even if the addiction is gone. That's how they ended up with that problem in the first place.

I have excellent support in the form of my husband. When I am feeling weak or unable to function in this world, he pulls a lot of slack for me. He keeps me going, and keeps me from giving up when things seem too difficult. My children do too of course, but only by being them. I would do anything for my kids. But they aren't specifically aware of mental illness and my personal battles, so therefore they can't consciously support me.
I certainly hope that I don't pass it to them as it was passed to me. My mother has a history of depression, as does my father, who also had debilitating anxiety when I was a child.

I know I am lucky to have the life I have. I am lucky that I have a supportive family. I am lucky medications exist to reduce my highs and lows and make me more stable.

But sometimes depression makes it difficult to realize any of it.