Kinda depressed

 So many dumb things are happening in the world..and my world that I am just miserable. 

1. Philip died. So I was upset about that and still am but coming to terms with it and trying to figure out why I was so lost for a little bit. These things aren't supposed to happen in my life. I'm used to getting what I want and I almost did but it was a little too late. He broke my heart when he died. Maybe nobody else will like me like that ever again. 

2. Overturning Roe vs. Wade. Leaked draft from a Supreme Court judge states that this will be happening. I feel strongly that women should have the rights to their own body and that they shouldn't be forced to have children they don't want. That will lead to more poor families stuck in poverty and potentially more abused babies and children. Women's health care should be between themselves and their doctor. No government should be involved in a woman's personal choices for her own body! Thankfully, I am beyond the point where I would ever need this care but I am in a state with reasonable laws allowing abortion to weeks. But many states are going to ban the procedure altogether. Religion should not influence laws and that is exactly what is happening throughout this country and it's entirely upsetting.

3. COVID -I got COVID and had to take a week off of work. Thankfully, I had mostly mild symptoms but I am still feeling a little short of breath if I overdo things. That kinda sucked. 

4. While I was on my COVID vacation a school was shot up in Texas causing  deaths of mostly little kids. It sickens me and upsets me that this is allowed to happen time and time again but no Republican politicians will agree to any common sense gun laws. So let's just allow this to happen over and over. Other countries think we are sick and they don't want to come here because it sounds like an unsafe place that people get shot at wherever they go. And they are right. Most people agree with some sort of gun laws whether it's not selling assault rifles to anyone under 21. Or even better not sell assault rifles anywhere. Who needs that shit? They clearly are only for killing large amount of people in a short time. I hate guns. I hate them so much and I hate this country for worrying about embryos but not caring about living children. Fuck this country. I know they will do NOTHING and this will keep happening over and over again.

If something good doesn't happen I will lose my shit. I just can't take any more awful things happening through the world. 

COVID and grieving

 So Jackie has COVID. She got lucky all this time but it finally caught up to her. 

Sigh. So last evening I wake up feeling shitty. Kinda dizzy and lightheaded and feeling like I needed to stretch but I couldn't stretch enough for it so be satisfying. Weird feeling, anyway. David says I look really pale and have I checked my temp. So I did and it was 101.2. Ugh I haven't had a fever in many, many years so I'm fairly sure I have COVID. I've escaped it's grasp all this time but it finally caught me. 

So I took some tylenol and went to bed. I am just so uncomfortable! I'm kinda dizzy, my head hurts, and I'm nauseated. My nose is slightly drippy and my body aches. It feels like a flu. But nevertheless I hate the flu. I'm freaking miserable. I really hope this shit doesn't kill me. I'll be so pissed!

Last couple days I haven't been crying. I think I'm coming to terms with Philip's death. I can read the messages now and they make me happy instead of sad. God, I miss him though. He was really a great guy. Just easygoing and kind and respectful. Well,  I just thought he was wonderful. I'm thankful for the messages I have . All the kind words. I didn't even know the guy liked me more than a friend, you know? It was surprising when he was talking about wanting me to move away with him. But I was happy, cause I always liked the guy. Maybe he was just appreciative that I had worried about him for those years. So obviously I cared for him. He made me happy and I hope I made him happy in those last days.

Why am I still so upset? He wasn't my boyfriend, or best friend, or my lover, He was a guy I had a crush on for 4 YEARS!!! I just wanted his attention. 

I keep convincing myself that I need to read between the lines. Maye what I saw in the messages weren't actually true. Perhaps he was looking for someone to support him. Maybe he didn't like me at all. Maybe he was sincere. I guess I'll never know, will I?

OK so I took a COVID test on Thursday and I was negative which was shocking because I felt so horrible. The infection control nurse at work told me to check myself again on Saturday because some people are developing symptoms prior to testing positive. So I stayed in bed for two days being miserable. Today I feel pretty good, I check myself and I am positive. Great. At least I have a decent amount of paid time to use for the days I am out. 

This shit better not kill me. I will be one pissed off em effer. I have too much left to do in this stupid life. 

Wayne and also Jen's qualities that she loves in a man.

 I already wrote about Wayne in the beginning. I'm not going to go over the emotional roller-coaster that he took me on. God, I was so in love with this guy. WTF. Like I couldn't even see what a bum he was. You know I'm raising my standards if I ever fall for a guy that:

1) Can drive a car legally. I love men who don't have licenses, whether it's because they didn't pay child support or DUI or simply never found the time. 

2) graduated from high school. This is also something I seem to choose. Drop outs. I just love them.

3) Can maintain a full time job. Oh, if I could only find a man that could work 40 hours a week how nice my life would be. I fall for the ones that get fired or quit all the time.

4)Does not have any substance addictions or mental health issues. This one is hypocritical. I have mental health issues and substance addictions. They probably work together. And this one is my down fall. I think, "Hey, I can help this troubled and broken man because I can understand what he's going through. "I love, love myself a broken man. The more broken, the better.

5) Has never been homeless. Now I don't usually ask but it seems that I fall for men that have been homeless at some point in their life. Probably related to substance abuse and not being able to hold down a job.

I think those are the basics of what I like in a man. Granted not just any man will do. I have to be attracted to him first. And after that he'd better be a drunk dropout with no license. Yum, that is my favorite!

I really loved Wayne with all my heart and he just played me. We only had sex twice but I wanted to stay and kiss him for days. Ugh, he wasn't very smart. He was not smart at ALL. But I was all about it. 

Alex

 I guess I should continue my story of guys. Though I feel like no more stories come close to being as eventful as Philip's. 

Anyway after all that happened I slowed way down on my consumption of men. But I didn't stop cold turkey. 

One day I was checking my Facebook and I saw one of my recommended friend was a guy named Alex. I thought he looked alright in his pics so I requested his friendship. Well, he accepted and we started talking. I told him exactly what I wanted. He was only a couple stoplights down the main road in Englewood so we made a plan. 

I get to his house and he's sitting out front waiting for me. I greet him and we go inside. He seems pleasant enough. But, listen up, I get his pants off and he's like child sized. Like I felt a little disturbed. He wants me to go down, so I try my best. Not much to hold on to. Even when he's hard he's small. Yikes. Little surprised since Alex is pretty tall. Did I mention Alex had pretty ice blue eyes. Well he did. 

So we did our thing and I hang out for awhile. He's pert cool. 

We decided to meet again and I come on by not expecting that HIS MOM was home.  Foe real, what guy invites over a girl while his mom is home. Geez, but whatever  maybe she's cool.

I tried to meet him again and turns out he can't bring me to his house anymore. Really, dumbass? He didn't admit it but I'm sure he got in trouble. We tried to meet at the gas station to find another place to go. Somehow David had intercepted our messages and Alex told me to sort shit out with my husband he wasn't gonna be involved. I don't blame you Alex, I don't blame you at all.

Aftermath: I never saw or heard from Alex again. 

Feeling a little better as the days pass.

 I wondered how I would feel with my first patient's death since Philip died. I was afraid that I would be upset. 

That happened last night. And I was fine. I did okay. I didn't cry. I felt like a normal day with a normal long suffering cancer patient finally had an end to his suffering. I never get very upset when my patients die. I've seen it so often in my life and, honestly, I only knew them for a relatively short period of time in their life. I pride myself on not being emotional so this past month has been excruciating. God, I hate feeling...anything actually. 

I did imagine Philip for a moment, as I tried to close my patient's eyes. I wondered if he died with his eyes open also. I wondered if he was dead all night before he was found. And who found him? I tried not to think about it too much, as it might get me upset.  

But I find I'm back to feeling disassociated from emotion again. Back to feeling numb from emotional high and lows. The other night I cried so hard and I wrote out a message to him so maybe that's just what I needed to do. Now everything has been said and all my tears have been cried and I can go back to regular life. I just need to guard my feelings so I don't lose control again. 

Just another One Night Love Affair.

I heard this song this morning and I was reminded of all my "One night love affairs". All my wonderful memories. 

I've had quite a few of these. Sometimes they weren't all night but simply "several hours love affair" Sometimes two people are just needing some companionship for a short while. A pretend love that means nothing. Just a few hours to be close to another person and be held. Someone to talk and laugh with. Sometimes all the right factors are put into place and you really connect with a person that you will only meet one time in your life for a couple hours. And the sad realization that that temporary happiness will become nothing by the time the night is over. And you realize that you will never set your eyes on that person again. That you are both passing through this life alone but you're together for only a moment. And then it's over.

 

It feels like forever ago

- Edited on 8-11-22

"This was an old entry I had written about Philip since I had a hard time after his death. I wasn't ready to publish it before but I can now since it isn't as fresh. 

I've been thinking about him more lately since my Mamaw died. If there's an afterlife I hope my Mamaw and Philip are watching out for me. God knows I need all the support I can get. What an odd pair they would be hanging out. But Philip was a decent respectful guy and Mamaw was a lovely respectful lady so I would hope they would get along for my sake. Isn't this a weird thing to say? "

Yes, I'm still going on about this. It's been a month since he died, so it's been a little longer than that since we last talked. It feels like it was a past life or something. Time is moving by oddly. Sometimes it almost feels like it can't be true. Someone is clearly messing with my mind. 

You know, even when I didn't know where he was for those couple years I checked arrests and I knew at least he was still alive so it was okay. But it's not okay anymore. 

Four years ago I enjoyed being with him to the point where I thought about leaving my husband so I could hang out with him all the time. I really liked him that much. But I lost my job and begged David to come back because I was broke. Even then I was so sad because I couldn't see him anymore and I was banned from talking to him or having him on social media. So you see this has been going on for years. For years I worried about this guy. He was a mess but I was still fascinated with him. When I would see him out at places I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't. I wished that I was with him but I wasn't. And then I worried about him all that time since then. 

I can't explain it. I don't know why I felt that way. I don't know why  I feel any way. There's no rational explanation. I'm glad we were able to talk a few times before he died. I'm glad he knew I cared all that time. I'm glad to know that he liked me too. 

Life put us in the same place at the same time and we had a good time. Even though it was crazy.  If he died in Englewood I would never have been able to tell him how worried I had been all that time. I'm glad I didn't find out about him six months later by accident. I know I mattered to him at the end. And I guess things worked out just the way they were meant to. But I miss him anyway. I wanted to say so much more. 

No matter how old I will ever be he will always be young in my mind.