Hunger

It's a delightful feeling being hungry and unable to decide what to eat because your cabinets are full.
Never take it for granted.
I refuse to be ashamed that  I had to ask for food assistance while we get caught up and get it together. Though I feel society wants me to feel complete and utter shame and feel horrible about it. But you know what is worse? Being really hungry.
Some people like to complain about people like myself "living off of the taxpayer" but I will remind you that I am a taxpayer. I have been gainfully employed for the last 23 years. Now I need help so survive while we get back on our feet. That is why the help is there, is it not? We don't all have a wealthy great-uncle to call when times are tough.

David is working his tail off 40 hours a week and I have applied for a newspaper delivery route, so I am hoping things all work out. My landlord is going to work with us regarding the rent so I don't have to worry about being out on the street anytime very soon. And I am hoping that I can call the Salvation Army to help with the outrageous electric bill this month so it isn't shut off. It's so hot outside.

I have my court date on Monday and I will be meeting with my public defender. They are pushing back my arraignment, so I guess I won't have to worry about going to jail at this point. I really don't think that will happen, first offense and all. I'm crossing my fingers. I don't expect the world to feel bad for someone in my situation. I don't deserve sympathy.  But I am hoping for the best outcome possible for my family and my children. They do not deserve to suffer.
As far as they are concerned, as long as there is plenty of food they are happy and content. Do boys ever stop eating?!

Success

I have been floundering within a mid-life crisis of sorts for a while now. I keep thinking of all the thins I have not yet accomplished, placed I have not been, adventures I have not experienced. And, of course, all of the success I will not ever achieve.

Maybe we are not all supposed to be awesome.

But I always equate success in a rather American manner, by money, wealth, and stuff.

I suppose there are other ways to be successful.
I think my kids are my greatest success. I have some pretty neat kids. And they all seem pretty bright, I suppose.
My shortcomings in my life allow me to realize what is important to create a great kid. As long as I can provide the basics and some emotional support, I hope I can guide them to being good and decent people. I can only hope that my kids turn out better than myself. Isn't that what we all want for our offspring?

    

I try to focus on Maslow's hierarchy of needs to prioritize what I need to accomplish in life. Sometimes I go up a rung, and sometimes I fall back. I may never reach the top but maybe it will be my eventual life's goal to get there. Who knows?

The Continuing Saga...

When you get all the way to bottom, you can't get farther down. Eventually, something good has to happen. The light at the end of the tunnel, I suppose. Yesterday was a pretty good day. 

Since David has been looking for work he has received quite a few potential job offers. Myself on the other hand; none. No calls or anything. But whatever.

David got a job! Full time at Palm Island Resort doing maintenance and repair stuff. Not too shabby. I am very proud of him. :) I have filled out an application to, hopefully, get a newspaper route in the early hours before David goes to work. I will turn it in on Saturday and hopefully something will come of it. 

I also got a public defender for my court date. One less thing to worry about. I will meet with him on my court date and then they will move my arraignment back, so I will have another court date.

My brother said he will watch my boys on the morning of my court date. Another huge sigh of relief. another thing that I can stop worrying about. Though, unfortunately, I will have to go to court alone since David is working now. But  my mother-in-law might be able to go with me. 

Now I just need to get used to being stay-at-home mom and try not to let these boys drive me nuts. Attempting to clean the house with Joshua's "help" is a losing battle. I can't remember how I survived the other two boys "terrible two" years.  Joshua is a constant walking disaster. Everything he touches turns to broken. And he's awfully loud.

The kids are running in circles yelling. Wow. It's a crazy life.

Uncertainty

Oddly enough, I find that I am not unhappy in general. I really like staying home hanging out with my kids and my husband. We laugh a lot. I even enjoy chasing Joshua and cleaning up his messes to some extent.
If we were independently wealthy I would be perfectly content.

But we are not. David and I have both been looking for jobs. Lots of applications. No phone calls.
Because of my arrest, my options are more limited. And outside of healthcare I don't have any experience or skills so I am not really good for anything. I mean,what restaurant or hotel, or whatever would hire a former nurse with no kitchen or retail experience?

Each night I lie in m cozy bed with my cool A/C and wonder how many days until the electricity is turned off. Or where we might go at the end of the month since we cannot pay the rent. I suppose my internet access might be turned off any day. I don't even know where we will store all our furniture and stuff. We've tried to sell items but nobody will buy them.
On Monday we are going to call Salvation Army to see about help with the electricity. It's so hot outside.

I try to downplay everything to the kids. They don't need to worry.

Two-and-a-half weeks until my court date and I am nervous already. David is afraid I will go to jail, but I try not to think too much about that. I don't want to spend my day having a panic attack.
I am still unsure about how I  get a public defender. Do I tell them at the court date? Do I call someone?
I find it interesting that throughout this arrest business, and court dates, and legal stuff, nobody gives me much information about anything. I am not told what to do or what to expect. Just where to go. And many of the people in the jail were mean about it. I have to say there was one guy who was nice and answered some questions for me.
I know that this is not a popular opinion but I think that people who have been arrested are still humans and have thoughts and feelings and unless they are being resistive and unreasonable they should still be treated civilly. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I find that when I see a police car on the road I feel so nervous. Even watching a show like "Cops"makes me feel so anxious. I always seem to have some level of fear when I drive anywhere. I like my home where I feel safe. Nothing can hurt me here.
Shoot, at this point I might not be able to hold a job. Being away from my home for several hours at a time might be too difficult. Once I was fearless, now I am fearful.

I can only try my best.