Maybe it's not the end.

Truly I thought my fingerprint result would be instant. Like the state result. But apparently it takes a month or longer. In that period of time my license status is "conditional pending FBI check" so I just cross my fingers until whomever knows when. According to the lady at the fingerprinting place, I should be ok as long as I don't have a conviction on my record so that settled my anxiety a bit. I figure she knows a bit about it. 

So without that worry on my mind, I'm back to worrying about lesser worries, like my weight. Now, the only people that give a shit about my weight are me and all the 25 year olds that I was fucking back in 2017.  I guess people generally thought I was younger than my age when I was thinner. Now nobody checks me out and I look middle aged. I suppose my husband loves it. But I hate it. I don't want to settle for looking like an average middle aged woman. God, I can't stand looking so fat. I'm about 148 right now. And I range about 145 to 150. And I wanna get to 125 to 130 range. So 20 pounds. Doesn't seem like too much but trust me it's sooo hard!!I know first of all I need to burn some calories but it's so hard to burn energy that isn't there! And the food. I am so picky. And I really dislike fruits and veggies. So I'm certainly not going to start eating salads all the sudden. I like carbs. And junk. 

I'll figure something out.Ο0О。ο口口

Scared.

 I'm scared to death guys. I don't know what I am going to do if I don't pass my background check. I have nowhere else to go. No place to take my family. We can't afford this house on a minimum wage salary and I have no other options. What am I going to do with all of our stuff? What about My plants? What about Elliot? 

Where will he go? I don't know what I am going to do. Where are we gonna go? Where can we go? What am I gonna do? I'm terrified of what happens next.

Is this the end?

 I started new in New Hampshire. I left all the shit in Florida. Lots of bad shit. We had tough times there. 

Here I restarted my nursing career and left the drugs behind. I was finally able to get my family into a house for the first time in awhile. We had been evicted a couple times and lived with family and even lived in hotels a couple times. But I was finally getting it together and we got into a house of our own. One that was within our price limit that we weren't even going to have to struggle to make rent. We were gonna have plenty left over! So we could have our cell plans and buy groceries whenever we wanted to without even having to wait for pay day. 

Long gone are the days of counting our change for milk and gas. :) 

We've filled our house up with stuff. Since we had been evicted twice we really had nothing when we moved in here so we had to get all new everything. So we've filled our house to the gills with stuff. 

 That's our house. And considering that we have so much more stuff now that when we moved in I really hope not to move again anytime soon!

So, for my NH nursing license endorsement I need to have my fingerprints done. I've already had my county and state fingerprints done but Thursday I am scheduled to have my FBI fingerprints done. So I wonder how will my Florida arrest show up on the background check. Will I lose my nursing license? I'm scared to death right now. This is all I know. And this is the only way I know to support my family. I tried to be a server, and lets face it, I was lousy. I'm so nervous. 

I've tried to be so good. I've been clean. I follow up with my recovery center and my therapist so I stay clean. My kids are in therapy. I don't know when my family has been this stable and it's because of me! I was able to get us to this place. And I'm afraid I'm going to lose it all. I am trying to be optimistic but I have to be honest, even if my charges were dropped, my charges look pretty bad. And from what I've read the background check includes the arrest charges whether you were convicted or not.

Honestly I think I deserve this second chance. So if anyone reads this. Please give me some good vibes or something cause I could use them.

 

                                                                Joshua-----for smiles:)