" And no religion, too"🎵

 You probably could have guessed that I don't follow any religion. I stopped years ago. I tried to do everything properly for years. I tried to be "good" and when I wasn't good enough I felt the guilt that let me know I wasn't good enough. I prayed regularly. I prayed when things were horrible and I had no money. I prayed when times were tough. I prayed when things seemed low. But nothing ever seemed any better. And I didn't feel better. I felt like whatever god had abandoned me when I needed help. And then I looked around and I saw all the horrible things throughout the world and wondered what kind of god would permit that? What kind of god would permit innocent children and babies die at the hands of abuse? And WTF is up with childhood cancers? What sick god thought that up? And did this same god look away during the Holocaust? All my life church says that Jesus is coming back soon but isn't 2000 years enough time? And why doesn't he show himself or prove himself then? All the miracles in the bible but yet not one in thousands of years. 

Maybe because it's all made up by men. The bible is an elaborate work of fiction to support a religion. A religion like so many others. I was raised that Christianity was the one proper religion. But maybe it's Hinduism or Muslim, or Sikh, or Judaism. Seriously most major religions are all worshipping the same one god really. The god of Abraham. It's all the same guys! It just has different traditions. And how many people throughout history have been killed because of religion. They have been fighting in the middle east since time began. You all need to get your shit together and forget it all. Just be Humanists. Be good to each other and live a life of peace and harmony without any deity or weird traditions to get in the way. 

Can you imagine? No televangelists scamming people out of their last few dollars. No bizarre cults trying to prey on the weak minded. No fighting over which god is better. No brainwashing children. No child marriages. And no religion to hold back science and progression in society. Nobody telling me that my daughter is anything but a wonderful person. Because anyone that has hate for a sweet 17 year old transgender girl is not a part of any loving religion.

We'll never get rid of greed but there are plenty of people that claim they are religious that have plenty of greed and evil. And people believe their lies because they claim to be religious. That doesn't mean anything. My dad used to judge people based on whether they were a Christian or not. I've found it doesn't say much about an individual. There are good and bad ones. 

When I realized religion didn't add up for me it was if a huge weight was lifted from my chest. All that guilt over not being perfect enough was gone. I just have to live to be a decent person for me. But it's okay to have fun. It's okay to enjoy life. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be and that's okay. I have a good heart and I love my little family and I don't have to make anyone happy but them. I don't have to spend my life being good enough for a god somewhere out in the universe. 

I can enjoy my life because this is the only one I'll even have. I believe after I die, I'm gone from the world. So I'm going to get the most out of this life. 

Besides, the idea of my ancestors watching down on me always creeped me out.

How am I doing today?

I'm going to jump forward into 2021 for a minute. I read back at some of these posts and many of them are talking about financial troubles. Why was I in such a financial mess? I wonder why? I think I was having too much money taken out for benefits and I didn't know any better. I didn't know anything about managing money so I just opted for the best family plan for insurance. I think that took a huge cut of it. Thank you USA!!!!! Fuck you USA and your health insurance nightmare making people broke. Single payer is where it's at. Then it wouldn't have eaten up my entire paycheck and left me poor for half my life. Anyway. I only have David and I on my insurance here and the boys and Jackie have NH healthy families Medicaid. If it weren't for that I'd be broke now, too. 

I'm glad that I'm able to live and survive and make sure we have what we need now. The bills are all paid and we never are late on our rent. I never have to worry if today is the day we are going to be evicted from our house. Let me tell you that's a horrible feeling. It's a constant feeling of being unsettled. I try not to ever take it for granted that we have a house of our own. We've been here for quite awhile but I still love that feeling of knowing that I have an actual place to live to keep my family safe and warm. 

This is a picture of Josh when we went for our snow walk yesterday. He was taking a snow nap. Could I love this kid any more? We had so much fun and we laughed a lot. At one point we were walking and I had my arm around his shoulder and he had his arm around my waist and I was just so happy. He is just a happy, happy kid and I hope he always stays that way. He seems to have survived the last few years ok. 

This is the view down the road that I took while Josh was taking his snow nap. I wanted to get the mountains in the background. The snow is so beautiful.

I never thought I would be a mom to a transgender daughter but here I am. 🏳️‍⚧️ This morning as I was making Jackie's bed looking at her rainbow flag in the corner, I thought about all the stories of gay and trans people who have come out to their families only to be kicked out of their houses or disowned by their families and I can't imagine how a family could do that to their own child. How can you raise and love a child only to disown them due to their sexual orientation or gender orientation? I just can't imagine doing that. When Jackie came out to me I felt fear for her, fear that she would experience hatred and bullying. But that's it. I love her just the same as I always did. And I always will. I will stick up for my daughter until the end of my days. 

Elliot and Gnatty. Two peas in a pod. The stars of our household. Big fat Elliot and little Gnatty. We all love them so much. Silly kitties. I'm saying this as I smell one had a stinky poop in the next room. gross.

Darrell

 Ugh Darrell. This is my bottom of the stinkin barrel. I'm cringing. This was another Whisper story. He started chatting with me and I don't even know what I was thinking. Maybe I was just screwing anything I could find  because Darrell was so goofy and he was awkward and bad in bed and just unpleasant. I just couldn't stand being around him. But he came over four times. Because I couldn't say no. He was nice. And he acted like a kid, he was so awkward. I'm still cringing. He was unattractive and he couldn't kiss for shit. Ugh. There were so many people that I would rather have been with but he was always so readily available. So I would say , " Fuck, why not?" 

Aftermath: Like Chris P.,  Darrell kept messaging me over and over but I wouldn't respond and I finally had the guts to unadd him on my Snapchat so he'd leave me alone. I am a jerk. 

Gary

 This is funny. Gary was another Whisper story, he was married but I didn't care. It's not my business. He and I chatted on Whisper and decided to hang out one day, we were going to go to Englewood beach. I don't even think I knew what he looked like. And Gary was a weird looking guy, he was tall and skinny. He had no lips, a big nose that kinda hooked down a little and buggy eyes. He was so odd looking that if you passed by him at the store you would take notice. But I decided to go along with him anyway. 

So we went to the beach and he was very fun to hang with. We had a great time at the beach just swimming around and talking about all kinds of shit. So I guess that's what I liked about him. That's why he had a wife. Gary was weird looking but he was super easy to chill with and a great conversationalist. I mean we had tons to talk about the entire time we were out. Not one time was there any awkward moments where we didn't have anything to say. Even when we got back to the house, more talking. Until I said, "hey, um, do ya wanna go in there?" and pointed to the bedroom. Maybe that wasn't even his intent. I don't know. But we did. 

He met me one other time after work also. So I hooked up with him twice. And apparently his wife found out and I got a bunch of weird messages from her. Then David did. I guess she thought she would find an ally in David and somehow found his Facebook  and started messaging him-waaaay after Gary and I did our thing. David was on my side. By that time he just thought she was some crazy girl like, " Um sorry about your husband, stop messaging me"  They did end up divorcing. I don't know if I was a part in that or if their marriage was going down the tubes in the first place. Like I said, not my business. 

Aftermath: Never heard from him.

Chris P

 Around this time I discovered an app called Whisper. People post their secrets anonymously and other people can comments on them. You can use it to find people that are near your location as well, within 50 miles or 10 miles, etc. So some people use it to find drugs or hookups as well. I was using it just to post silly secrets. I didn't need it for hookups but sometimes Tinder runs dry, you swipe through the same people over and over and over if you've been on it long enough. I could easily match any guy I wanted but I had already hooked up with all the guys worth looking at and all that were left were goofy fucks so I needed something new. I started chatting with Whisper guys and I will admit to you now that these were not my proudest moments. Whisper doesn't show pictures of people on their profiles so goofy fucks have an advantage here. The guys that go on Whisper to hookup are not super models. They are not hot and they don't have great bodies. Like I said, not my proudest moments.

I started chatting with Chris on Whisper and he seemed really nice and we got along very well. He even sent me a picture and he had lovely very light blue eyes but it was difficult to make out the rest of him in the picture. Turns out Chris was a little overweight. Not my usual cup of tea but I had sex with him anyway. He lived right down the road so he ended coming over like four times. He sweated a lot. It was gross.

 His mother ran the daycare that Joshua was in that was right down the road. Which was Christian themed. So that was pretty funny. 

Aftermath: He tried to keep contacting me but I finally just stopped responding and I think he got the message without me having to come out and say, " Leave me alone." I hate to be a jerk. 

Matt

 Oh look! Another Matt. He was 19 and adorable as can be. He was in college and would stay with his parents in Englewood when he was on vacation. I would go over there when his parents weren't home and do him. I really enjoyed making out with Matt, excellent kisser. He really was a good time.  We hooked up a couple times. Third time I went downtown and he finished before I got to have any fun. I was pissed and I let him know it. Looking back I was really mean to him. He wanted me to come over again and I refused to hook up with him again. He really kinda begged saying that he didn't mean to finish, it was because I was so good at it and it was an accident. And I believe him. He was a sweet guy.

But while trying to check Facebook to see how he was these days I stumbled across a page dedicated to his recovery. Apparently in 2019 he sustained a traumatic brain injury while playing basketball and required extensive therapy to regain all his functional skills. So now I feel extra shitty. Because he really was a sweet guy. I really hope he's doing well. 

Aftermath: No further contact from him after I was mean to him. I was a bitch. 

Jeremy

 Jeremy lived in North Port and was about cute as can be. First time I went over there I texted and texted and then I went home, turns out he fell asleep! Who TF falls asleep when I am coming over to bone you? Geez louise. Second time he wasn't asleep. All went well. Damn he was fit and was nice to look at. Jeremy was delicious. And had the cutest smile. awww. Oh yeah, the sex was good too. 

Aftermath: He's on my Snapchat but he unadded me long ago. 

Nick

 Oh look another Nick. My list states that he was 19 years old. I don't remember him either. It must have been a crazy week or something. 

Since I had moved out of my dad's house I had more or less destroyed my relationship with my dad. And the rest of my family at that. I have a relationship still with my brother but that's the only member of my Florida family that I talk to currently. I guess I can't change who I am. 

Aftermath: Aw Nick, I'm sure the sex was great. I never heard from him again. lol

Jacob

 Uhoh. I don't remember Jacob. I had stopped taking notes on guys by this point so I have no info to jog my memory. 

By this time I had been fired from the Pink Elephant because I was obsessed with my phone. Being a hostess was boring sometimes! And I just wanted to take a little peek to see if I had any new matches or any new messages! I was obsessed with Tinder and making dates with guys too. I swear it was like a full time job matching guys and then the obligatory small talk and weeding out the real weirdos that just want pussy pics from the guys that actually want to hook up. Plenty of guys on Tinder are actually too chicken shit to actually follow through to final stage of the hook up process and flake at the last minute. Too many times guys would cancel while I'm on the way to their house. I have one friend in particular that flaked numerous times. Amazingly I still talk to him because actually, he really is a cool guy. But he has lots of regrets now! 

So I had received numerous warnings about my phone use at the Pink Elephant. On the night I was fired I was legitimately going to text David to tell him I would be working late so he didn't think I was cheating on Boca Grande. David was obsessed with knowing my constant whereabouts because I was always sneaking off somewhere with someone.  I had switched job positions from hostess to server assistant and I was going to have to help clean up. And they saw me look at the phone and I was fired.

My next job was as a server at a sports bar called the End Zone in Englewood.  After the summer I would also start working at Publix in the deli. At this point David was still working at Grand Villa in the maintenance dept. and I was quite proud of him.

Rocky

 Oooooh Rocky! I had been talking to Rocky for many months prior to our meeting so we had been building up to this. Rocky was from Georgia-and not the state. We were very excited to meet. We got in the back of the van. I didn't remember having so much sex in the van! Anyway It was superb and Rocky was a great kisser. I remember that we didn't want to stop kissing after it was over. Before he left we kissed more. Rocky wanted to come back. He was sexy and that accent was very hot. 

Aftermath: Never heard from him again. I don't know what happened to him. I lost all his info. 

Chris D.

 Yikes, well this is embarrassing. My list says Chris D. and my notes say that he drove from Punta Gorda and that he was cute and very fit. But for the life of me I can't remember one single thing about this guy. When I have read through my list there are a couple people that really don't ring a bell for me and poor Chris D. is one. I'm sure he was a nice guy. This doesn't say much for me does it?

Aftermath: Chris D, If you ever read this feel free to comment on this and refresh my memory. I apologize!

NIck

Nick was visiting family in Englewood, or somewhere around there. I think he was in college somewhere else. Anyway he met us up at Pearl and if my memory serves me correctly I think he had a beer with us first and then Nick and I went to the van while David drank a beer. People were all around and I am sure they knew what we were doing but, you know what? I really didn't care at all. Neither of us did. The sex was pretty good for "backseat in the parking lot of a club" sex. After we were done Nick got in his car and he left. See ya later Nick! How that for a weird sex story?

Aftermath: Never heard from him again. But that's probably because David blocked him on my Snapchat. I don't know why David chose to do that. Nick didn't even live in Florida but I'm ok with that decision. Hit it and quit it is my style.

Jeremy

 I met Jeremy during the summer of 2017. I didn't have to sneak over there. I  went over one evening to see him. He didn't live that far from me in Englewood so it was nice to meet someone that was local! He lived in an apartment behind his grandmother's house and it was dark, dark, dark back there. I was afraid I was going to hit a tree when I parked. Then I didn't know where the front door was or where he was. But I saw the lit ash in the dark so I saw him when he came out to greet me. He was really tall and thin. And had a very nice voice. 

Anyway that first night we did lots of kissing and he was a good kisser but I guess he was nervous because nothing was accomplished. :( I tried everything. I snuck over there the next day and finished what we started though. Jeremy was a cool guy. Very comfortable to be around. After we finished we would lay in bed and watch a little TV and talk about stuff. He was very laid back. I went over there quite a few times. I don't know exactly how many honestly. It helped that he was just down the road. He was reliable and friendly. The last time I went over there, which was six months before I moved, I had gained some weight due to some medication and I told him about it but he commented that he didn't expect that I was as big as I was or something like that. I was like 135lbs. Jeremy!! Geez So I gained 10 lbs. I wasn't a big 'ol hog. 

That kinda hurt. I've been constantly battling my weight since I was put on medication for bipolar depression while I was in my mental health court. Ive been 125 for years and years but that medication increases my appetite and they've switched it a few times so I lose weight. In New Hampshire I was as high as 162 one time! But they changed my medicine and I started losing quickly after that. I'm down to 140 now. This seems to be my norm now. Though I'd like to lose another 5 pounds. 

Aftermath: Jeremy is still on my Snapchat and he really likes it when I send pics. He send me pics also. Jeremy is a hard working good looking single guy in his late 20s, I wonder why he's still single. 

Joe

 Joe had dark hair and dark eyes. My favorite combination. He lived in Cape Haze and I remember that he was very, extremely good looking. Not model good looking. But my type good looking.  We didn't have anywhere to go hook up since I was sneaking out of my house this day so we found a dead end road in Englewood and parked the van there and got in the back. There was enough room for us and I recall it was all good though a bit sweaty.  He seemed pretty cool. 

Aftermath: He had a boat and he wanted to take me on it and have sex on the boat. We actually intended to hook up again but I think David erased his info after finding out about us. Unfortunate, because sex on a boat sounded hot. And Joe was hot. About a year and a half later I saw Joe working as a bartender at a sports bar in Englewood and he apparently had forgotten me by then. But I recognized him. I wasn't going to embarrass myself and say hi. 

Todd

 I met up with Todd a bunch of times, which is weird because he wasn't the friendliest of guys. I picked him up the first time after he got out of work at TGI Fridays and then I had to drive him to the store to pick up some Magnums and then we parked in the YMCA parking lot and had sex and then he got out and smoked a joint next to the car. He talked a lot and I just listened. Todd was blond and blue eyed which is a rarity on my list.

He was kinda interesting I suppose and that I always enjoyed. He didn't have a car so I never knew when I would get a message from him needing a ride somewhere. If I picked him up I always made sure I was gonna get sex outta the deal. He was hung and he liked to talk dirty so when he  hit me up I answered. He had friends in Englewood so sometimes he ended up out there. One time I guess he got stranded at a gas station by some friends and needed a ride. Another time he was walking down the road coming from a friends house and needed a lift. I think another time he got kicked out of his house or something. I never knew when I would get a message. One day he came over and passed out in my bed and I had to wake him up before the kids came home from school. Hmm, I didn't even get sex that day. Poor guy had a messed up life. He was always missing work, getting fired, friends ditching him, etc. Maybe I felt bad for him. He really did have a weird personality even though he never got mad at me. I guess maybe I enjoyed his craziness. It made me feel like I wasn't the only one with a crazy life.

Aftermath: Never heard from him. I'm really curious how he is though.

Matthew

Matthew was one of the first guys that came over to our house in Englewood when we were finally able to move in!

After living in a hotel we finally were able to move into our house. It was a duplex on a road full of duplexes. The run down part of town that the rich folks don't want to know about. But we were happy to have a place of our own again. We had three bedrooms and two bathrooms, a kitchen and a living room, and a porch. Just a little place. We had no furniture since all of our stuff was thrown away in the eviction but David was working at an Assisted Living Facility and he acquired some beds and some other furniture that they were going to throw out so we had some stuff for our place. We  bought other little things here and there as we could afford it.  It's so exciting to get your own little house , no matter how small, if you've been living in a hotel room with your family!

Yes another Matt. There are five total.  This is Canadian Matt. He was from Montreal but was staying in Venice. Normal story, we matched on Tinder and he came over and we had our sex and then he left. My notes states that we had a good time. I remember that he was well endowed. He remembers how great it was to go down on me and hopes to do it again. 

  

Aftermath: We still talk on Snapchat. We send pics to each other regularly and he loves to talk about my "ahem" female parts. Although I don't send him pictures of that, he remembers. He loved it. He thinks that mine are especially sexy. I've moved away from all of my Florida hookups but I've moved closer to Matt. Montreal is a 3 hour drive from Lancaster. And Matthew wants me to come spend the weekend with him. Which will never happen. Besides I don't have a passport. So Matthew would have to make a 3 hour drive to me. I don't know about that. But it still makes David very uncomfortable.