Just maybe.
Tonight I took the boys to a trunk or treat event at a local church and actually had a delightful time. And everything was free which was great since I'm broke.
Can you imagine I was on church property and I didn't even burst into flames? Maybe I am not really so bad after all.
And I have a promising job interview on Monday afternoon.
So I sit here alone in the dark next to a smelly candle watching "The Golden Girls" and life is good. I keep wanting to go to bed like a sane person should. But this damn show is so funny I can't stop. I don't even care if you make fun of me. Just go ahead and do it already.
Halloween party with Cub Scouts tomorrow, Halloween the next day and Saturday another backyard campout with Sean. We enjoyed the last one so much we want to sleep outside again. Sick, I know.
Nighty night world.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
I hate dementia so much
As a nurse with many , many years of experience in long term care I have taken care of a plethora of individuals with all types of dementia ( you know there are several, right? Alzheimer's Dementia is only one type) It isn't easy taking care of some dementia patients. It's a horrible and awful disease that steals precious memories and dignity from elderly people. You can't prevent it and there is no cure. In end stages they are like adult babies, having to be fed and wear diapers. They can't walk or talk. They become merely a shell of their former self.
Usually this is where I meet the patient, when they are in the end stages and require nursing care 24 hrs a day. Many times over the years I wonder why those patient's families don't visit very often. I would say to my coworkers, " How awful, her daughter lives in this town and she doesn't ever come see her mom. It's horrible." Or when they are dying, " What, I can't believe no family flew across the country to sit with their dying dad, how cruel"
Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make a person really understand.
I love my grandmother, I shall refer to her as " Mamaw" for the rest of this blog post. Mamaw was a very intelligent, strong woman in her day. She was loving, wise, fair, kind and wonderful. She made the best roast and mashed potatoes ever! And I would request it as my birthday meal every year.
When my family were going through rough times I knew I could rely on her to be a voice of logic and reason and I also could count on a hug when I needed it. I owe her so much.
When I was 21 and climbing out of the depths of a depression and leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, Mamaw was my rock. She let me live in her house for three years while I got it together and went to nursing school. And those were a wonderful few years. I was so busy with work, school, and social life that I didn't spend as much quality time with her as I could have but we did have some great times. She inspired me in many ways and I always longed to be like her. I love her so much it hurts. I miss her.
You see, about everything in that paragraph was written in past tense. But she is still alive. Lewy Body Dementia has robbed her of her. She isn't herself anymore. She looks like my Mamaw but she is frail, sad, and unsure. She is confused and illogical. The wisdom in her eyes is long gone. I feel like my 87 year old Mamaw is alive, but not living anymore, simply existing.
I used to take the boys to visit every other week but after her dementia set in, it became difficult. For me. It's so hard to see her like that.
It makes me sad and angry at God. She took care of my grandfather through his Alzheimer's battle many years ago, how could God do this to her? Why couldn't she be spared? Why her? I can't stand it.
So now I am the horrible family that visits infrequently because it's too difficult FOR ME. And I hate that I am so selfish. I have gone through the stages of grieving and haven't been able to get to the acceptance part yet, I'm stuck in the depression part. I am grieving the loss of my Mamaw, who is still on this planet, but it's not her anymore. I love her so much.
So now, instead of looking in from the outside. I am on the inside, experiencing the dementia with my Mamaw and the rest of my family. Now I see how a family can accept the loss of a loved one before they pass away. Because, by the time death arrives, the dementia patient is long gone from the shell that is their body. And the family has accepted that. It hurts when someone you love doesn't know who you are anymore. It hurts a lot.
Mamaw still knows me but I don't know for how long.
I hate dementia, I hate it so much.
Usually this is where I meet the patient, when they are in the end stages and require nursing care 24 hrs a day. Many times over the years I wonder why those patient's families don't visit very often. I would say to my coworkers, " How awful, her daughter lives in this town and she doesn't ever come see her mom. It's horrible." Or when they are dying, " What, I can't believe no family flew across the country to sit with their dying dad, how cruel"
Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make a person really understand.
I love my grandmother, I shall refer to her as " Mamaw" for the rest of this blog post. Mamaw was a very intelligent, strong woman in her day. She was loving, wise, fair, kind and wonderful. She made the best roast and mashed potatoes ever! And I would request it as my birthday meal every year.
When my family were going through rough times I knew I could rely on her to be a voice of logic and reason and I also could count on a hug when I needed it. I owe her so much.
When I was 21 and climbing out of the depths of a depression and leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, Mamaw was my rock. She let me live in her house for three years while I got it together and went to nursing school. And those were a wonderful few years. I was so busy with work, school, and social life that I didn't spend as much quality time with her as I could have but we did have some great times. She inspired me in many ways and I always longed to be like her. I love her so much it hurts. I miss her.
You see, about everything in that paragraph was written in past tense. But she is still alive. Lewy Body Dementia has robbed her of her. She isn't herself anymore. She looks like my Mamaw but she is frail, sad, and unsure. She is confused and illogical. The wisdom in her eyes is long gone. I feel like my 87 year old Mamaw is alive, but not living anymore, simply existing.
I used to take the boys to visit every other week but after her dementia set in, it became difficult. For me. It's so hard to see her like that.
It makes me sad and angry at God. She took care of my grandfather through his Alzheimer's battle many years ago, how could God do this to her? Why couldn't she be spared? Why her? I can't stand it.
So now I am the horrible family that visits infrequently because it's too difficult FOR ME. And I hate that I am so selfish. I have gone through the stages of grieving and haven't been able to get to the acceptance part yet, I'm stuck in the depression part. I am grieving the loss of my Mamaw, who is still on this planet, but it's not her anymore. I love her so much.
So now, instead of looking in from the outside. I am on the inside, experiencing the dementia with my Mamaw and the rest of my family. Now I see how a family can accept the loss of a loved one before they pass away. Because, by the time death arrives, the dementia patient is long gone from the shell that is their body. And the family has accepted that. It hurts when someone you love doesn't know who you are anymore. It hurts a lot.
Mamaw still knows me but I don't know for how long.
I hate dementia, I hate it so much.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Yay, America is #30!!
In healthcare that is. True story.
http://www.cmglp.com
Remember all the American pride you were taught in school, told by your culture. We are big on patriotism and American pride here. People say "we are the land of the free, we are a democracy!!"
Which actually isn't true, we are a Republic, and we are not the only free country by far, actually there are countries free-er than us.
I wonder what they teach their population in other countries? "Yay Luxembourg! We are number 25, Woooooo!!!!"
The above link leads to an article explaining that the US is only # 1 in violence and exporting weapons, oh and income inequality...can't forget that. Maybe prison population as well.
We are way down the list as far as healthcare, life expectancy, education, environmental issues, childhood poverty, about everything not having to do with weapons and bombing other countries. Our military is larger than any other on Earth. For the money we spend on military we could probably educate and give healthcare to every person in this country. Instead of policing the world, maybe we should take care of our own issues for once. We certainly have plenty.
No wonder other countries hate us, we are violent.. People in some countries probably spend their entire life afraid of us, wondering if we are going to bomb their house any day. Maybe years and decades of wars have created these extremists that want to kill Americans. I suppose if for your entire life France was bombing your country , you might hate French people...
Maybe we are the terrorists to them?
Maybe we are the bad guys to the rest of the world.
I hear people saying that soldiers are fighting for our freedom. But really? How does a terrorist organization on the other side of the world affect our freedom? I saw a documentary about the Vietnam war and someone mentioned how the soldiers were fighting for our freedom. What? A civil war between the Vietnams affected our freedoms how?
It almost seems cult-like to require children to say the Pledge of allegiance. the monotone reciting while facing the US flag. It almost looks like something I would see required of Chinese citizens. Many other countries do not have a pledge of allegiance. They may have a national anthem to sin, but that is all. To some people from other countries, watching Americans say the pledge looks a little like mindless brainwashing.
Is it wrong to lack pride in one's country? I don't hate it. It's a beautiful country, lots of wonderful , intelligent people are here. I just think there is quite a bit of room for improvement. Stop trying to convince the people that we are the best, because there are other countries that are better, the people are happier and healthier and smarter. I think it could be us..if we knew how to manage our resources better and put our people's needs and wants over wars and violence.
http://www.cmglp.com
Remember all the American pride you were taught in school, told by your culture. We are big on patriotism and American pride here. People say "we are the land of the free, we are a democracy!!"
Which actually isn't true, we are a Republic, and we are not the only free country by far, actually there are countries free-er than us.
I wonder what they teach their population in other countries? "Yay Luxembourg! We are number 25, Woooooo!!!!"
The above link leads to an article explaining that the US is only # 1 in violence and exporting weapons, oh and income inequality...can't forget that. Maybe prison population as well.
We are way down the list as far as healthcare, life expectancy, education, environmental issues, childhood poverty, about everything not having to do with weapons and bombing other countries. Our military is larger than any other on Earth. For the money we spend on military we could probably educate and give healthcare to every person in this country. Instead of policing the world, maybe we should take care of our own issues for once. We certainly have plenty.
No wonder other countries hate us, we are violent.. People in some countries probably spend their entire life afraid of us, wondering if we are going to bomb their house any day. Maybe years and decades of wars have created these extremists that want to kill Americans. I suppose if for your entire life France was bombing your country , you might hate French people...
Maybe we are the terrorists to them?
Maybe we are the bad guys to the rest of the world.
I hear people saying that soldiers are fighting for our freedom. But really? How does a terrorist organization on the other side of the world affect our freedom? I saw a documentary about the Vietnam war and someone mentioned how the soldiers were fighting for our freedom. What? A civil war between the Vietnams affected our freedoms how?
It almost seems cult-like to require children to say the Pledge of allegiance. the monotone reciting while facing the US flag. It almost looks like something I would see required of Chinese citizens. Many other countries do not have a pledge of allegiance. They may have a national anthem to sin, but that is all. To some people from other countries, watching Americans say the pledge looks a little like mindless brainwashing.
Is it wrong to lack pride in one's country? I don't hate it. It's a beautiful country, lots of wonderful , intelligent people are here. I just think there is quite a bit of room for improvement. Stop trying to convince the people that we are the best, because there are other countries that are better, the people are happier and healthier and smarter. I think it could be us..if we knew how to manage our resources better and put our people's needs and wants over wars and violence.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Focus
Sometimes I over focus on things that I cannot control and then I end up all anxious and grumpy. I feel hopeless and my problems seem far bigger than I am.
Today I realize that every single one of my stresses is financially related. Aside from finances, I don't have it too bad. I have a lovely husband and three super duper awesome, healthy, smart kiddos. They say the best things in life are free and I do agree. Family and health are very important.
Though I certainly wouldn't mind some cash to clear up my other issues.
My kids rock. They have got it together far more than I did when I was their age.
I was, simply put, a weird kid that was painfully shy, I am thinking some severe social anxiety. If I was school age now, I sure someone would have me sent to a psychologist. I should have. I was truly bizarre. In elementary school I refused to speak to people. If I saw a classmate at the grocery store and they said hello, I would not respond to avoid any social interaction.
I absolutely refused to answer the phone at my house, again the fear of the social interaction.
I would not even answer questions in class if the teacher called on me, I would just cry. I was mortified of speaking in front of the class. In 3rd grade I was made to read a book report in front of the class..I cried the entire way through. Teachers hated me.
Obviously I had few friends. Some days on the playground were lonely. I would sit alone while everyone else played. I loved to read. I read all the time, nonstop. I loved immersing myself in other happy worlds, it was probably one thing that brought me joy at certain times in my life.
As I may have mentioned before I had an obsession with numbers. Even numbers, especially 4. Sometimes I HAD to do things 4 times or I would become anxious. 4 4 4 4 . It controlled me and I consciously had to break myself of that. Not easy to convince myself something bad wouldn't happen if I didn't repeat my action 4 times!
These are all things that happened in elementary school! I may never know why I was so strange. I always try to keep a close eye on my kids for any odd behaviors, like mine. So far, so good. They seem well adjusted and "normal" and for that I am grateful. I would never wish my bizarre isolating behaviors from my young years on anyone! Sometimes I really wish I could go back in time and tell my 8 year old self that it will be okay and give her a big hug.
Today I realize that every single one of my stresses is financially related. Aside from finances, I don't have it too bad. I have a lovely husband and three super duper awesome, healthy, smart kiddos. They say the best things in life are free and I do agree. Family and health are very important.
Though I certainly wouldn't mind some cash to clear up my other issues.
My kids rock. They have got it together far more than I did when I was their age.
I was, simply put, a weird kid that was painfully shy, I am thinking some severe social anxiety. If I was school age now, I sure someone would have me sent to a psychologist. I should have. I was truly bizarre. In elementary school I refused to speak to people. If I saw a classmate at the grocery store and they said hello, I would not respond to avoid any social interaction.
I absolutely refused to answer the phone at my house, again the fear of the social interaction.
I would not even answer questions in class if the teacher called on me, I would just cry. I was mortified of speaking in front of the class. In 3rd grade I was made to read a book report in front of the class..I cried the entire way through. Teachers hated me.
Obviously I had few friends. Some days on the playground were lonely. I would sit alone while everyone else played. I loved to read. I read all the time, nonstop. I loved immersing myself in other happy worlds, it was probably one thing that brought me joy at certain times in my life.
As I may have mentioned before I had an obsession with numbers. Even numbers, especially 4. Sometimes I HAD to do things 4 times or I would become anxious. 4 4 4 4 . It controlled me and I consciously had to break myself of that. Not easy to convince myself something bad wouldn't happen if I didn't repeat my action 4 times!
These are all things that happened in elementary school! I may never know why I was so strange. I always try to keep a close eye on my kids for any odd behaviors, like mine. So far, so good. They seem well adjusted and "normal" and for that I am grateful. I would never wish my bizarre isolating behaviors from my young years on anyone! Sometimes I really wish I could go back in time and tell my 8 year old self that it will be okay and give her a big hug.
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