Pain

If I even tried to touch on what I have been through in the last few years it wouldn't even come close to telling my story but it involves legal issues, addiction, drugs, mental illness, abuse, infidelity, life, death, evictions, repossession, multiple jobs, poverty, homelessness, love, hate, and sex.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes me stronger but I just feel broken down. So broken. But honestly I gave up after my arrest. I've been existing since then. Mostly just feeling numb about the world.
Ive been trying my hardest to feel anything at all and having only some success. Sometimes the numbness is preferable to the emotional pain I feel for being a failure.
Sometimes I laugh and I love to joke around. My favorite people are those that make me laugh and smile. It's feels wonderful. But deep in my brain I'm always suffering to some extent. I try to suppress it, to ignore it. Or distract myself.

I know my kids would miss me and, damn, I love them more than anything but they deserve better than me.

But, goddamn, the pain can be unbearable.

Baby Bird

Joshua likes to pretend he is a baby bird. I'm, obviously, mommy bird. He snuggles with me and cheeps and tweets and occasionally stands up to flap his pretend baby wings.
When he's crabby I call him my baby bird and he cheers up.

edit...this is an old blog that I discovered under drafts so I decided to publish it three years after it was written.