I realize that I think I may have been tiptoeing around my anxiety for longer than I even imagined. By avoiding things that may trigger that response, I avoid the end result which might be anxiety or worsening depression.
Things that I am avoiding:
1. Getting a job, ohh a big one. I am scared to death to get a job. I just cannot put myself in a new unpredictable situation. That makes me feel uneasy.
2. Visiting my grandmother. I am the worst granddaughter ever. As she is one of my very favorite people on this planet, her progressing dementia is still so difficult for me to face. She is someone else now and I am stuck on the Depression stage of the grieving process, can't get to acceptance. I know I will when it's too late.
3. Trying to make or maintain any friendships. I am alone with Joshua often, but I like the predictability of it. New people =new situations, and there we are again with the anxiety.
4. Making any effort to improve my quality of life. I have no idea how or what to do. I truly have no idea where my life will take me and as messed up as things are I have no idea what to do about it. It's like a bottleneck in my brain: too many thoughts at once.So I opt to try not to think as much as possible.
5. Making phone calls. I can do this, but have to psych myself up to accomplish it. I may have to talk to someone and I might not know what to say. They will probably find that I am not too bright. Or something else negative, I just know it. This seems to be preventing me from making an appointment with a psychiatrist. Now that I actually have Medicaid, I can actually go.
I actually like staying at home or doing activities with just the boys and myself. I feel safe and secure with them. Especially David, poor guy is like my stress sponge, whatever I can't handle he takes on. But that isn't healthy for him either.
Rarely, good things happen in my life. This has been going on for a long, long time. The good things in my life I can count on one hand. I am married to one and the other three I bore.
I really could use a break. Before I break.
