The accidental cosleeper

I found this Blog entry from October 2015 and wondered why I never published it. So now it's out of order. It's waaaay out of order. I'm going to try to remedy that. 

It's all about Baby Joshua who is presently not a baby any longer. #sadface

First kid,  I read books and books and had magazine subscriptions about kids. During my pregnancy I drank protein drinks and ate fruits that I hated so I could be healthy.  I wanted to do everything right. Read with him all the time, teach him everything I could. I bought him the nicest, and ridiculously expensive, baby clothes. Fancy toys, museums, aquariums. Only the best for the health and well being of my kid. Unfortunately I ended up with some PPD that threw a wrench into my plans. But I tried.

Third kid, I am just trying to keep him from destroying himself or anything else of value that I possess. Any progress aside from that is just gravy.

This kid has been able to climb about everything and destroy baby gates. He dumps out toy containers so he can use them as step stools. Fragile he is not. Even if he was less than 5 lbs when he was born. He is muscular and big now.

I sure wish he would talk though. His speech is horrible. David and I joked we wouldn't teach this one to walk or talk. He has the walking and running thing down though.
Nearing 3 years old, he still does a lot of baby talk, most of which I don't understand. Dr. says that he'll eventually get it and gave me a referral for speech therapy, but I never did it. I thought I'd give Joshua some time. Most adults can communicate, so with that in mind, I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually. He responds fine so at least it's not a hearing problem.

Much to my husband's dismay, Joshua sleeps in my bed. This was not the plan. I tried to place him in the bassinet the first night home from the hospital, but he would cry immediately, and  I was soo tired. So very tired.
So I put my wee 5 lbs baby in my arms and we slept soundly. And he was so cuddly and snuggly. And it has continued. Every night. Some nights he starts out in his bed but doesn't last. I really don't mind him there. David does.

My main concern is the fact that he has been experiencing the terrible twos for round about three years now....so I am hoping for an end to it one day.

Does anyone even read this?

 I doubt anyone does. But I write in it every now and then, taking breaks years at a time.  The most interesting times of my life are the ones when I don't write in anything in here. Trust me on that one. The years when I struggle the most with life, with my worth, with my addictions, with my mental illnesses. Honestly, the times of my life when I have a little too much party in my system. 

But I don't document them in my blog just in case someone might actually read this one day. I have a lot of memories. Good ones actually. I had lots of fun. But I suffer from guilt because I hurt those I loved the most while I was having that fun. In some cases irreparably. Nobody remembers the many, many years that I sacrificed everything for everybody else. They just remember the couple years that I went off the rails to have fun for myself for once. Maybe it was out of control fun. I should have controlled myself better but I felt better than I had in my life!

I'll tell you what. For so long I've been living in a shell taking care of my kids at home ( and loving it) and taking care of patients at work( and loving it) . But I remained withdrawn staying "good" and proper for years hiding my drug problem. Then all at once My drug problem landed me with an arrest and in low wage jobs struggling to scrounge for quarters for gas and milk for the kids, getting evicted time after time because we couldn't afford rent. For the first time we had to live the poor life. And we lived that way for five years. Moving numerous times, moving the kids from school to school, living with family, living in hotels, almost living in the car. We very narrowly avoided that fate. 

I learned that poor people hang with other poor people. We hang together. And poor people are less judgy cause we've all been through some shit. Even now I'm careful who at work I tell about my past. In the nursing field the nurses and the LNAs  haven't been poor. They have their heads on straight or they wouldn't be in that field.

I feel a comfort around other poors that I don't have around other people. I'm not a good wholesome person. I feel like I have to put on an act around some people or they might see right through me and realize what I'm really all about. 

Anyway. The point is before I got way off track is that Ive been taking care of other people for so damn long and when I took care of myself for awhile suddenly I'm a horrible person. Maybe it was because it involved lots of sex and drugs. But honestly it was a good time. I met some great guys. Maybe that's why I feel so rotten. I feel like I should feel bad but I don't. I liked it. Ill live once. 

Anyway thats enough rambling nonsense for one day.