Settling for Last Place

Winning is not a realistic goal for me. 

Sometimes I feel like I started running a race many years ago. I started at the same time as many others and kept up for a short while, some lagged behind, some led the pack.  I was toward the middle, but as time went on I was left farther and farther back until people behind me passed me up and people in the lead started to pass me as they rounded the track again.

     

No matter how hard I tried , it seems I kept tripping over my own feet, or stumbling on a pebble. People on the sidelines that were rooting for me left long ago when I started to get farther from the front. They weren't very surprised, they figured it was a matter of time.

Suddenly. I step in a hole. I saw the hole there but thought I could get around it. No such luck. I fall down hard and am injured. I don't want to continue anymore and it is pointless since I am so far behind everyone else. I'll never catch up. I could try again in a different race but I feel like I have tried so much already, I don't want to do it anymore.Now I sit there and cry. Not sure what to do now. I have nobody to offer me any guidance or support. I'd like some advice but I am all alone now, everyone just keeps running and going around me. they think I should have seen the hole, it is my own fault. 

But David and the boys are still watching me from the sidelines. They rush to me and help me up. They help me off the track. They still love me even though I fell down.  Even though I didn't win, and I won't ever win. 

I am not sure when I will have a chance to be in any more races. Not sure what kind of race I am best suited for. I wish I knew what to do next.

Shame

Who knew I would enjoy the domestic life? I really like being at home with kids, cleaning and baking and walking to the park. I like not having the stress of a job on my shoulders. Maybe I did not realize just how much stress and responsibility I was carrying in my day to day job as a nurse. Every day going home and wondering if you will get a call that you documented something incorrectly, or someone made a complaint. Or you forgot to do something.

But when I see people I know out in town, I know that they are aware of my arrest. People in the health care field talk, so I know that they know what happened. And I wonder if they are judging me, feeling sorry for me. Do they still like me? Are they being genuinely kind? I make slightly awkward small talk and walk away. I don't want to discuss my situation, even though they might wonder.

I don't feel the shame when I am around people I don't know or when I am alone. I have made peace with myself. That is most important.
But I often feel like I want to move away to a new place to start fresh. A new start.

Happy?

Merrily, I was driving down the road as I realized how good I felt, how happy I was. I smiled and looked back at Joshua watching the world go by from his car seat blissfully unaware of the stresses and worries of the world.

And then I felt an odd sense of guilt. I thought "Wait a second, I was arrested! I still have to meet with my attorney and go to court and who stinkin' knows what will happen? I shouldn't feel happy. I should feel shame or something, I guess. What's wrong with me?"
But I suppose it would be a miserable life to feel shame for the rest of my life. I'm in no way proud of what has happened but it certainly does not define me. It's merely another chapter in the book of my life, and hopefully I will be stronger from  it. My arrest is not me. Just something that happened to me. My struggles are not me, just part of my life experience.

You know, I was so naive and gullible as a teen. Anyone could convince me of anything. Now I feel so foolish from those days.
I wish I knew what I know now, then. I would have made much better choices. But then I wouldn't have learned the lessons that led me to what I am today.

I actually like myself the way I am now. I refuse to spend  my life in shame. That's just the way it is.