I'm no authoritarian, did I get that correctly? I don't have it in me. I do prefer things a certain way but it's not below me to do them myself is that was is required. That's how I run my household. I like everything in it's place and a place for everything. But I don't expect anyone to do it for me. I will do it MY WAY. Even when I was in the hospital after having children I was trying to clean up everything and the nurses had to tell me to let them help me. I guess I'm not used to anyone helping me or catering to me.
Anyway. I give my kids very few rules. I expect them to go to school and act right in public. They are very loved and I give them whatever they want within reason. Part of it is guilt. Many years ago I felt guilt over working constantly so I always took Jackie and Sean places and to amusement parks when I was off. I wanted them to have lots of opportunities. And now it's guilt over being very poor and not being very present in their lives for a few years while I worked excessively and partied. I had devoted so many years to working and taking care of kids that I rebelled for a few years to get my mind right.
But now that's over and I'm trying to be a good parent again. But permissive parenting creates happy and warm kids but it also produces kids that have problems in school because they aren't used to having rules. Which is where we are now. Jackie is failing her senior year and Josh has lots of behavior issues at school. I guess I thought that my kids would be like me and try to avoid getting in trouble. I mean, what kid likes getting in trouble? But I was wrong.
Jackie assures me that she will make up her grade by the end of the year and says that my being permissive has created very diverse and interesting children with unique personalities as opposed to if I was strict. She is feeling happy and loved and likes that I am this way. She made me feel better.
I had a talk with Josh about it. I told him that his problems at school are my fault because I never gave him rules and taught him to act right. He started crying and went to his room. I feel awful but maybe it's what had to happen. He doesn't pay attention in class and hes disruptive and disrespectful. If he doesn't like what's going on he just wanders off. I've opted for no more emails from the teacher because I don't want to hear that he's awful. I want to believe that he's a good kid. I'm sad that this happened this way. Maybe knowing I'm disappointed will be enough for him to straighten out. Maybe there is still time to fix this problem. But the problem is me and I don't know if I can change at this point.
