I wish my brain had an ON/OFF switch

While I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep I was pestered by my brain thinking the nuttiest things. This is what was on my mind.

So what if you woke up one morning and you mind was free of prejudices of any kind. Knowing only what would be considered logically correct. Erase what society and culture has taught you. What would you think about things?
Would you know that killing another human was wrong or would it be something you would do only for self preservation? Maybe nudity isn't shameful we just think it is. Why do we think that? Who originally told us that?

I guess my strange thought occurred as a response to some ponderings about religion. Many times we believe what our parents have taught us. But if I erase that, I wonder which religion is the real one? Are any of them? Are they all kinda based off of one original religion? I know that most people would read this and say, " Christian is the only real one, you loser!" because most of the people I know belong to that one. But how do we know. We have no PROOF. Yes, there are religious texts written thousands of years ago. Throughout translations and rewriting, are the religious texts accurate? What is real?

I could probably ramble on and on about the vastness of the universe and the possibilities of other universes inside black holes and insignificance. But my brain may explode.

Not trying to get into any arguments here, I promise. Sometimes I just like to try to think outside the box.

Facebook Blows and I will tell you why..

Today is one of those days where I feel like I am the most miserable, unfortunate person that exists. It's difficult to realize that there are plenty of people in the world that have it worse. But depression is a selfish bastard. I can only concentrate on what I feel.

I read damn Facebook and in a Facebook rosy world people posts about the wonderful things that they are doing right now. The lovely vacations, the wonderful new car, the beautiful new house. Because that is what Facebook is, right? It's not there to post whiny, grumpy statuses. Nobody wants to know about things that are sad and horrible. And no one wants to admit to people they haven't seen since high school that their life isn't one unending string of successes. That maybe you took a wrong turn or two.
That being said, I don't honestly feel I have made too many wrong turns, but life has a way of not working in your favor sometimes. Job loss, resulting in foreclosure and poor credit, those type of things.
Sometimes you plan to do everything right and then a hurricane comes and tears down your town.

Yesterday I planned to go participate in the Coastal Clean-up with Sean's cub scouts group. I was actually looking forward to it. And then it rained. All day. Ruined everything. And I stayed at home just like I did every other day My good mom moment was ruined.

I feel like I must be living the most boring existence. Every day is just another day in my life.

Oh, the pros and cons of another day

I would love a fresh start somewhere new. I have been in the same town for all of my life and know lots and lots of people. There isn't anything super wrong with this town, but I would like to be in a place with a bit of culture.
Maybe some stuff for kids to do, low cost things like nice parks and playgrounds.
I would love some public transportation since David and I have one car.
 Oh and museums, I want some museums or indoor kids amusement places.
Definitely a couple nice state parks that I could kayak, clear blue water as well so I can see down into the water at all of the nature around me.
Cooler temperatures but no blizzards...

Anyway I just feel like I have so much I want to do in this life and I haven't been able to do even a portion of it! most of my obstacles are financial. I love to travel but haven't been able to go very far in a while.
 David and  have wanted to move away for many years but there are too many uncertainties involved. We don't have any close family anywhere but in this town. New Hampshire? I'd like California. Michigan? It might be scary to go so far.

But when life gets dull and boring, you know that you need to change something. I want us to move to a different place.
Lack of proper finances means we will probably never go anywhere. But I can still dream of the world that I haven't seen.

I want to go to work so I can get a break!

I probably would update this more if my toddler wasn't always either 1. trying to kill or maim himself or 2. trying to maim and/or kill me and my computer. Yeah he likes all of the attention. I truly feel bad for my other two because I can't spend any quality one on one time with them.
Right now Joshua is climbing all over the couch trying to get on my lap and steal the computer mouse and smash the keyboard and leap off the edge of the couch. Yes, all at the same time. This is a constant thing! My nerves are shot, every day.

I love this kid so much. He is cute and adorable and sweet and snuggly and I am his very favorite person on this planet. I feel like if I get angry and try to properly discipline him that the one person (me) that he lives for is being cruel and mean (in his eyes) and the hurt in his eyes is almost painful. yeah, I'm not a good disciplinarian. I wanted this child so much. If I dare complain to David I get a sarcastic, "Well, you are the one that wanted another kid." So instead I just keep my frustration to myself.
I get very little time to myself. I cannot crochet since Joshua unravels my yarn and tries to steal my crochet needles. I cannot read, kindle or books, since he tries to steal and destroy them. I cannot draw or paint for the same reasons. I cannot kayak since he is too young to go with me. It is difficult to visit other people since he is always into everything.

I actually enjoy going to work so I can actually DO something without being followed or someone hanging on to my leg or begging to be picked up. I love to clean at my jobs. It's satisfying to actually be able to peacefully clean an area and have it remain that way for more than a minute. It's nice to sit down and eat without someone climbing on my lap or trying to take my food.

My work hasn't been calling me enough. It works out I suppose since David seems irritated whenever I do have a shift. Mostly because when I have to work it means less sleep for him and having to deal with three kids by himself. It can be tough.
But no money means I can't go to the eye Dr. and no eye Dr. means that I can't see because my contacts are all gone and all I have is a pair of eyeglasses with very old prescription lenses, so my vision is quite impaired.

I should have titled this, "All the ways that my life sucks and how I am responsible for my own misery." Yeah, if I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel soon I may just lose my mind.