Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The art of self sabotage ( or self loathing at its finest)

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wanted to break the mirror because you hated what you were seeing?
Confidence is not something that has come to me easily. In any way. I have always felt that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough..for anything.
Anything good, at least.
I feel like I am only a mediocre person who barely deserves a mediocre life. I have been fortunate to have stumbled upon some pretty wonderful things in my life like my husband and children, that I clearly am not good enough for. At least that is what my mind believes.

Nobody ever outright told me I was ugly as far as my memory goes, but I see it and I know it. As much as my parents told me growing up and my husband tells me all the time that I am a beautiful person, I attribute their beliefs on the fact that they love me and love can do a couple things: 1. Love is blind, it can make the unattractive seem beautiful. 2. Love also makes you not want to hurt the feelings of the person you love. Therefore you aren't going to really tell the person you love that they are unfit to look at.

But not only have I never felt like I was anything worth looking at but I never felt I was truly deserving of anything good in life. Everyone else is smarter, prettier, better. And I could never be as good as them.
It's this self hatred that I am sure has held me back many times in my life.
It's this self hatred that kept me in emotionally abusive and unhealthy relationships in my young years. It also kept me in friendships with people that treated me horribly in my youth.
And people could tell me all day long that I am worthy of happiness and good things but, of course, I will never believe them because I think they are being kind and decent people instead of telling me the truth.
Funny how the mind works. Not funny ha-ha, more like funny bizarre.
Maybe one day I won't spend each day pretending I like myself for the outside world but knowing in my heart that I am undeserving of anything good in life.
Self sabotage.