Philip again and my dream.

 Last night I had the most bizarre dream. It seemed so real. I woke up to go to the bathroom in my dream and while walking through the house my foot got caught in a strand of the Christmas lights that were hung throughout the house. So I fell down and David comes out of the bedroom with some scissors to cut off the strand of lights. Then I started walking into the kitchen and saw a bunch of empty boxes piled up and I moved them out of the way and they fell down and then David comes in yelling that I knocked down his tissue box and he picks up this long flat metal thing with a sharp flat edge and begins to try SCRAPING THE SKIN OFF MY BODY!I started yelling and then I woke up. 

Who knows what that's all about. 

Philip's birthday was the other day so I've been thinking about him a bit. It's just so SAD. He had absolutely nothing to ever offer me but I thought he was great because he was freaking NICE to me. That's all I want is someone to be nice to me. 

I'm tired of being worried all the time that I am going to make someone mad. For a few years I was like, fuck it. All that time with the Tinder guys was simply so I could feel what it was like to have a man treat me nicely, even if it was only for sex. I didn't care. I've had anger directed at me for 20 years. I can't do anything right. Even when I do something right, it's wrong. 

You don't know what kind of life that is!! It makes you a little crazy. And it's awful because you feel trapped. Is it so hard to be nice to someone you supposedly love? And when someone is mad at you for 20 years you try so hard not to upset them until you just say, I give up. Because no matter what you do the anger is still there. But it's hard to love someone that clearly hates you. 

But if I speak up for myself then I get the car taken away or my social media accounts get their password changed so I can't access them. And he says Divorce me then! But I don't have a car. So here I am. Slowly going crazy thanking the gods above for my wonderful children because they are kind and loving to me. I feel like I deserved better in my life. But it's too late now.

Jason

 Jason is the only guy I met while I've been in New Hampshire. This was only a few months after I moved and I was in a dark and depressed and miserable place. And I wanted to see if I could duplicate my Florida success up here in New Hampshire. I matched with Jason on Tinder, like usual. He was about an hour away. He was going to drive here and I met him at this woodsy area by the water that David had brought me to when he went fishing a couple times. I really didn't know anywhere else to go. So it was the middle of the day so we couldn't do it in the car on the road, so Jason parked my car down a slope so it was hidden in the trees. I was super nervous with Jason. 

Jason was a little heavier than I generally prefer. And he had the long beard that seems to be popular in New Hampshire. Personally I am not a fan but here we were. He was super nice and we got along great. Super sweet, and apparently he'd made his way through his small town an hour away. We talked about kissing for awhile before we actually did. I couldn't get my shit together. We had sex in my backseat parked in the trees. But little did I know that it was a common area for swimming in the summer time. A lady and a couple kids walked by us as we sat in the backseat. ( After we had finished) so that was incredibly awkward and strange. 

I knew I wouldn't be able to get my car out of the trees so thankfully Jason backed it out onto the road for me. We said our goodbyes and we had hoped to meet again but David checked my phone messages and found something that Jason had said to me and the secret was out. Lots of fighting and arguing that night. 

I haven't met up with anyone else since then. That's the last one. But I hope it's not the last one forever cause I don't feel like I'm completely done yet. I don't feel quite as old as I am. 

addendum: We chatted for a little while afterward and we had hoped to meet again but David found out and blocked him. So, obviously I will never hear from him again. 

Nick C.

 I went over to the old house to sort through stuff the next evening after Kyle came over and that night Nick came by. I had been talking to Nick for awhile also and he wanted to see me before I left also. Nick was in his early 20s. dark hair, clean shaven. Thin build. Super, freakin' adorable. Sweet guy. We did our little chatting beforehand and I was stupid and giggly. Decent kisser. But poor Nick was awful in the sack. His rhythm was all uncoordinated with me and he was doing the jack rabbit sex that you would ordinarily find in 16 year old boys( trust me I haven't been with a 16 year old boy since I was 15, but I remember all too well.) OMG Nick was just such a mess. I tried to climb on top and he just couldn't figure out how to get it going correctly. Afterward I just couldn't keep my hands off him cause he was just so damn cute. Such a great, sweet guy. I decided that I needed to teach him how to fuck properly. Somebody is not going to be as nice as I am about it and he would have to learn eventually. 

Addendum: I still talk to Nick on my Snapchat regularly as well. Just like Kyle, he is hoping that I come back for a visit. Nick even offered to fly up here one time last year when flight rates were good. He' gone through a couple girlfriends. One was a really short relationship and they only had sex a couple times. I'm willing to bet she was into him until she found out how bad he was in bed. I tried to broach the subject with him once but chickened out. But, seriously, he's such a good guy I want him to know better and do better so he can wow a nice girl. I still send him pictures from time to time. He always refers to me as "babe" and I like it. 

Kyle

 I was committed to Wayne for a good year. I was in love. Oh geez. I am the worst.

Anyway prior to moving to New Hampshire we were staying at a house owned by The Lighthouse Grill for a couple weeks. Thanks to my manager when I told him we were being evicted and our new living situation fell through since we couldn't pass a background check. There was no longer water at the old house and we were trying to pack up what we could to take with us when we moved. We had to let go of a lot of stuff. All our beds and couches and bookshelves and kitchen stuff. Everything. After work I would go over there and sort out what was garbage and what was not.

Well, I though of something. There were a couple people that had been wanting to see me for awhile and our schedules never really meshed so I figured this is my last opportunity before I leave the state for good. I contacted Kyle and he came over one evening while I was over at the old house sorting through stuff. I had been talking to him for awhile. He had visited Florida when we matched on Tinder and he was living in Ohio. Then he went back to Ohio for awhile and then moved to Florida permanently once he had a job in place. He was some type of engineer. I told him I was getting ready to leave Florida and he wanted to make sure to see me before I left. 

He looked better that he did in pictures. Though he looked good in pics also. I noticed that often. People always seem to look better in real life. I always was pleasantly surprised by that. We chatted for a little bit as I was super nervous. It had been over a year since I met up with someone and I was out of practice I guess. I was my usual nervous giggly self but he was nervous too. Eventually we got it together and had a very nice time. He was quite good and I was very glad we finally got together. He had hoped to have a recurring thing but since I was leaving that was not to be. At that time I was thinking about coming back in the fall and he hoped that I would. But that didn't end up happening. 

Addendum: I still talk to Kyle regularly on Snapchat. It's been three years and he's still holding out that I will come back for a visit. Honestly I do want to visit my friend, Jen and also say goodbye at my grandma's grave but I know David would never let me go to Florida alone. There are too many people there that want to see me. I've had offers from people to fly me down there for a night, and for others to fly up here for a night. Now, seriously, I don't think I'm worth all that money or trouble. Kyle is a good looking and successful man so I have no clue why he's still a single guy. Maybe he just has a thing for older married redheads. In any case, I send him pics regularly. And he sends me messages like every other day. He's actually super into me.  It's actually really flattering. Kyle is a good guy. 

Mamaw and my dream

 So Mamaw died the other night. I won't say how I know, but know this, nobody in my family informed me of her death and here it is, three days later and still no one has told me. 

I'm learning a lot about my family. No matter how much they hate me and no matter how much they have written me off, they could have sent a brief message that she died. But I can hear my dad with that dismissive tone of voice that he uses when he's angry, " Forget Jennie, where has she been all this time?" 

I've been living every day. Working and supporting my family. I've come up from my lowest in the last three years all by myself. With no help or encouragement from them. It's true that you realize who is real when you reach rock bottom. I had some good friends by my side. But my family was nowhere. My dad let us live there for 6 months and let us know often that he didn't like us there. That was about the most tense 6 months of my life. I could finally breathe again when he kicked us out. Just as well, the motel had a nice pool. 

I had a dream about my Mamaw yesterday. Her and Josh and I were spending the day together. Joshua was a baby but he could talk like an older kid for some reason. I remember that we were riding in a truck of some sort and there were booths and tables like in a restaurant but then they disappeared. All the sudden everybody was standing in this truck and there were no seats. So I was holding baby Joshua and Mamaw and I were sitting on the floor. We were going to her job which was an office of some sort and she had a very higher up position.

Once we got there she disappeared. It was just Joshua and myself and at the office they told me that she wasn't there but she called there to speak to me. She said she couldn't come up to the office because she was dying. I said, "No way, you are fine, we will just see you tomorrow instead!" She insisted, " No, I really am dying, Jennie" I kept arguing with her  that she was being dramatic and that we will see her in the morning. She said " I have to go but I love you, muah, muah." 

And then I went to look out the window of the office building and I opened my eyes and I was staring at my bureau next to my bed. And my dream was over. 

My Mamaw was 95 when she died on July 31. She has been in a nursing home for a number of years because she had dementia for maybe 10-12 years maybe? 

She lived in her own home when Josh was born because I remember bringing him to see her and she would rock him and rock him, just like she did when Sean and Jackie were babies. Oh, she just loved rocking the babies! When Josh was a tiny toddler I remember bringing him to her assisted living facility to visit her. I would show her were I worked, I would point to the nursing home where I worked. I could see it from her window. And then she would walk us down stairs to the car. Every time I went to visit her at her house she would do that also. She would stand out front until I was out of site before she went back in. She would wave and say " Love you!" Oh she just loved my kiddos. I wish I could go back to those days one more time and sit on the couch and talk with her while she rocked in her chair and watched her game shows. When the kids were babies I would put a blanket on the floor in her living room and just let them play. When Jackie was a baby we used to go to the mall all the time. We would do our mall walk and then get something to eat in the food court.

I remember going to the mall and wandering through and I always had to go to Sears to see if Mamaw was working so she could see my kids. She loved them so much. 

I wanted to go see her when she was at the nursing home but nobody could ever seem to remember the name of the place. I don't know if it was just awful memory on their part or did they not want me to see her for some reason? 

When she had falls I would always go see her in the hospital. She even was at my nursing home for a while when I was pregnant with Joshua. I worked nights but every single morning I would go visit her room before I went home. By that time she was losing her memory and I would answer the same questions over and over. I would talk with her roommates a bit. She had a couple different roommates while she was there and they knew that she had memory problems and they would look out for her and make sure she got what she needed. I am forever grateful for those couple ladies that did that. 

I remember that I made some nice pictures of my kids and I put their names on the frame so she could remember their names. I also remember that someone, I suspect my aunt, took those pictures and put them in Mamaws drawer out of sight and put pictures of my cousin's kids up. When I found those pictures I reclaimed them. No sense in putting them back up to be removed again. Some of the most devout Christians have evil in their heart, I'm serious. 

But not Mamaw, she was a good person and she loved everyone in her family. Were there some that she liked more than others? Yes, I know because she told me so. She told me a lot about people over the years. Mamaw and I talked a lot. From when I would visit in high school, to when I lived with her for 3 years, to bringing the kids to see her. I spent so much time with her and I know how much she loved me. 

So to all that didn't bother to tell me she was gone. Go have the day you deserve. Now that Mamaw is gone I have no need for any of y'all. I'm done with the lot of you and you have proven that you are absolutely the worst people. I may not be a perfect person but my heart has love in it instead of hate. 

I know how some of you took advantage of her, having her sign for car loans after she developed dementia. Or the ones that took that antique table that she had received from her friend Bliss. You took antiques and treasured items out of her house while Mamaw was still living there! Just greedy awful people, how could you? If there is an afterlife I hope she sees who you all really are.