I think I might see the light...

There is merely a small glimmer in the distance but I think I am closer to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. David has a job! He received a call from a local restaurant wanting him to come in today to talk and they put him right to work! He is working 5-10 today and both weekend days as well. Yes, he is washing dishes, but he's making money now and that's what really counts. It won't be his career of choice forever, just for now until something better comes along..which may not be until "season" starts in the fall.

In other news.....
Florida is burning down!!!!!!
At least it smells like it outside. There has been a nasty haze outside all day and the smell of forest fire is absolutely horrible! I have my house closed up and I still smell it from time to time. Seth wanted to go outside this evening and I definitely didn't want him out there breathing in all the smoke. Yuck!
Apparently hundreds of acres of land near Lake Okeechobee is (or was)on fire and since I live right east of there the lovely wind is carrying the smoke right to us. Damn, it's awful.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

I like to think that there is but far too often I find that the future seems bleak and quite dim. Yes, sometimes I laugh and almost feel normal but I mostly just feel like I am suffering from extreme anxiety. Especially if I have a chance to be alone and think for a couple minutes. I have a battle going on in my head between rational thought and my overwhelming emotions. I don't like it.
My sons give me hope and I truly wish I could provide for them in a manner that they deserve. I have contacted my mortgage provider and submitted paperwork and information about my sistuation in hopes that i can get some type of help. If they let me skip a payment or let me pay a smaller payment for a month or two it would be a huge help.
I have spoken to the dietary manager at work about getting David a position as a dishwasher or cook. He said for David to fill out an application and for me to give him my husband's name so he can look for the application. It's low pay, but better than no pay. David is also going to a restaurant tommorow to talk to someone about another job. We'll see what happens. Hopefully something good.
There is also less than two weeks until my 30th birthday. Nothing like the big 3-0 to kick me when I am already down. Now I'm old AND poor. Bleh.

Window shopping

It's the only kind of shopping I can afford to do thses days. Seth and I decided to spend some time at the mall today and after he played at the playground a little I had to gaze longingly at the clothes in Old Navy wishing I had a credit card to max. My clothes are all too small and I am sure I look trashy wearing them. I keep losing weight but I am still about 10 lbs. over what I weighed when I got pregnant.
Seth and David both need some new shoes. Seth needs some new PJs and maybe a couple new shirts. I need new shirts and shorts. I do believe that Sean is okay in the clothing department right now thanks to Seth's hand-me-downs. I really need to get my family suited up. Sucks being poor.
On the positive side I am now down to 131.5 lbs. I have lost three pounds this week. I guess overwhelming stress is good for something! I spent so much time at 135-137 and now I have gone down so drastically (for me) in such a short period of time. I don't think I want to go back to 117-my face was too angular and skinny at that weight. I think I want to get to 122-125lbs. range.
David filled out 14 applications in the last couple days. At every place from Toys R Us to TGI Fridays to Footlocker. He has seen a couple job openings for flooring but right now he needs evening work so he can be home with the boys in the day- so day time hours are out. I really hope that he gets a call from somebody.

I am a loser

warning- more venting!

I can't stand being poor. And I REALLY can't stand asking for help from my family. Especially since they aren't exactly wealthy themselves. I hate myself this way and I can just imagine what others are thinking of me. I am sure my family is sick of me and my venting.
My whole life I thought I was better than this. I never thought my husband would be unemployed. I feel like the poor white trash that I hoped I wouldn't ever be. And I feel sad that I brought two beautiful little boys into this world and I can barely provide for them. I feel like I am drowning more and more everyday, with every final notice that I receive, with every call from a creditor, with every time that I dig $0.50 in nickels out of my car so I can buy a soda at work. I even attempted to apply for WIC benefits today to help out only to learn that I make $6 too much in a month. I simply cannot win!!
I just want to explode sometimes from the tension I experience every day. I constantly feel like I am on the edge of an anxiety attack and find that I cry at the drop of a hat because I am feeling so overwhelmed.
I just don't feel like I can take it anymore. It's all too much for me. I never thought I would ever feel this low again. If it weren't for my boys, I think I would just run far, far away so I wouldn't have to face all of the family and friends that I have disappointed. I have humiliated myself and made a mess and i am working my hardest to get back on my feet but, damn it, why won't anyone hire my husband!! I can't do it all by myself. I'm just not that strong.

Ugh! The terrible twos

Seth has been driving me nuts lately! He does not want to cooperate with anything. If we go out in public I have to have him in the stroller or shopping cart because if he walks he will run away from me and ignore me when i call him. He fights with me when I dress or change him. He constantly unmakes all the beds in the house and throws the pillows on the floor. I had to take away his crayons because he would much rather draw on the walls or on his toys than his coloring book. He begs for food and then when he gets it he takes a bite and the rest is crumbled on the floor. I put his food in bowls and give him a fork but he just dumps it out and eats it with his hands. He whines and gets mad when he is obviously exhausted but refuses to nap. He runs everywhere!! It almost seems like his constant goal is to make a mess, a big one! I cannot figure out where I went wrong, he is still a nice,friendly kid and plays well with others but how come he's so destructive all the time? Why doesn't he LISTEN when I say "no!" or "stop that!" I know he can hear me. Is he destined to be a bad kid? Is it just the "terrible" twos?
So far Sean is the easiest baby ever. He is absolutely NOTHING like Seth was. I think God figured we had enough on our hands with Seth, so he'd better give us a break with this one! I am very glad he decided to spare us this time! Two Seths would be enough to drive anyone crazy!
Sean goes to sleep very easily. He only wakes once in the night these days. He's easy to entertain and is a very happy baby. He likes his bouncy seat, his swing, or simply just to lie anywhere near Mama or Dada. He loves to eat. He smiles and squeals easily. He's a delight to be around and cute as a button.
Now if only Seth could learn how to calm down a little...

134!!

I finally got down to 134lbs! It's not the goal by any means but it's the lightest I've weighed since probably sometimes last fall. It seemed like I was stuck at 135lbs. for the longest time.
Stress has completely destroyed my appetite. Honestly, it's the best diet ever. Well, that and a little touch of the Norovirus (stomach flu) that has been spreading throught the nursing home like wild fire lately. I'm not sure if the nausea I experienced the other day was stress or flu. Who cares!! I weigh 134!
I want to lose 10 more pounds and then I will be content. And hopefully fit into all of my clothing again. Next paycheck I am going to get a few summer outfits. You know, shorts and T-shirts, nothing fancy..Old Navy if I can catch a sale.:)

Will the stress ever end?

Warning: this is a vent post...
My anxiety is a at level higher than I have experienced in quite a while. I hate being the only breadwinner. It's a horrible thing knowing my family is relying on me, and only me, for a paycheck. I try to work so hard but find that I am getting worn down. I am tired constantly but at night when it's time to sleep I would rather stay awake a little to enjoy the quiet. Goodness knows it's the only quiet I get.
I get irritable with the boys for wanting my attention (Seth, mostly) because I want to be left alone for a few minutes when I get home but then I feel so guilty once he goes to bed and I stare down at his peaceful, adorable sleeping face thinking about what a horrible parent I am and that he deserves better.
David has filled out several applications but no responses yet. I'm glad he's home with the boys but it's just not helping me pay the bills. I still owe bills from last month. I feel like I'm drowning.
Sometimes I feel like I could just explode with all of the anxiety I feel every day. I cry because I feel so overwhelmed with life and Seth looks at me and says " Are you okay, mama?" I love him so much.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can take it anymore. But I don't have any other options. I have to be strong. Thank God that I have such supportive family and friends.

I love my hair, but hate myself.

My hair turned out really well. I had it dyed my usual reddish but got blond highlights throughout. Looks very cool, I think.
Why do I hate myself then? Well, simply because my hair cost more than I had anticipated. I won't even write what I spent. I feel super guilty because i keep thinking I should have spent the money wiser. I can't do anything about it now.

On a different note, David has turned in a few more applications. In the meantime, he was approved for unemployment. Only $69 a week, but hey that's better than what he is bringing home right now. At least it's enough for half a tank of gas and some formula and diapers.

I feel so much guilt

I have been working my butt off lately, working extra days, staying late, anything to make a few extra bucks until things are caught up. Lately, I look in the mirror and feel so blah. So Wednesday I decided that I think I deserve to go have my hair trimmed and dyed and get some highlights done. So I made an appointment before I lost my nerve.
But, of course, I feel so guilty because I know I should spend my money on a bill or groceries, etc. But another part of my brain insists that I deserve it since I am working so much..besides I could consider it a Mother's Day present to myself to to get pampered a bit and get a professional hairdo. It's not like it's something I do often! Right?
I find myself getting so excited about getting my hair done tomorrow, but feeling so guilty at the same time.
We will see how it turns out tomorrow!

My little bro is 21 and I'm the one with the hangover

His birthday was yesterday. We had a little party at my mom's house in the afternoon and then we went out to have a few drinks. My sister and I really wanted to go out with Sean and Heather and some of their friends but, of course, I haven't gotten paid yet so she said she'd buy me a couple beers at the Celtic Ray. I brought the boys home and David tucked them in. Then off we went. Sean's friends are great company and Fonda and I also saw Melissa there as well. We had such a great time..but I was very thankful that Fonda was driving. Fonda and I spent her 21st birthday together in Fort Myers Beach and then we spent Sean's with him. So I guess it is sort of a tradition.
I was feeling rather rough this morning though! So I was just going through the motions for the first couple hours of work. I don't think I want to drink again for a little while! I just can't tolerate it like I did in my young days.

Sean is very smiley

My little guy smiles alot, and he's cooing quite frequently as well. If we tickle his chin with a blanket he smiles. My mom and I notice if we talk about food he smiles and coos also. Yes, I know it's probably just the tone of our voices and our smile while we are talking that makes him smile but it's so silly to go on and on about pork roasts, london broils, and turkey legs and watch him coo and coo like he really knows what we are talking about.
This kid is getting huge! All he wants to do is eat. Last Dr. appt. he was 12 1/2 lbs. and 23 inches long. Not enormous but he is certainly larger than Seth was as the same age. I totally think that Sean is going to be bigger than his older brother at full height!
Sean is sleeping very well also. He only wakes once a night and usually is about 4-5 AM. He has pretty good neck control and can lift part of his chest up of the ground when laying on his belly.
He's calling me so I'd better go feed him again!

Few things in life feel better..

That having no debt and all of your bills paid. Unfortunately, it has been far too long since I experienced that but I am remaining confident that one day it will occur! Probably around the time that hell freezes over. :)
Only a couple more days until I get paid. According to my calculations my gross amount should be around $1500 but with taxes and insurance taken out I will most likely bring home a little over $1000. Pretty sad, huh? And I worked very hard for two weeks to make that. I'm guessing I will never make it onto Forbes list of top moneymakers!
Doesn't it seem odd that it costs so ridiculously much to live in Florida but the pay is horribly low? Fot the same job up north I could make quite a bit more AND have much better benefits, AND the cost of living isn't too much higher than here. AND the weather would be nicer, I might add. I'd have to have the money to move my whole family with me though. The hard part would be leaving them, because let's face it, without them I would not be where I am today. Who knows? I may not still exist at this point. But thanks to their support I am here, and thanks to their financial support my boys have been able to eat for the last month. Of course, everyone is getting paid back. Don't get me wrong, no one gave me free money.

Finally, a day off!

It seems like ages since I have had a day off but really it's only been 5 days. I don't know how Mon-Fri workers do it! I am certainly not used to a schedule like this.
I am counting down to pay day..only 8 more days until I can pay some bills. I am so afraid that things are going to get shut off in the meantime. David is going to call the utilities and electric to see if we can get an extention because of our circumstances and check into unemployment since he isn't getting any responses from the applications he's put out.
Man, I despise Walter on so many different levels. He regularly insulted David at work and refused to accept any creative input from David at band practice, always threatening to fire him if he disagreed or argued. Always putting David down until he felt like a second rate peon and developed stomach issues related to extreme stress. If you ask me, it sounded like David was in an emotionally abusive relationship with his so-called " friend". I know because I was in one once. I don't know why Walt felt the need to treat David this way but I am glad that it is over. David has a tendency to be too nice at times and I don't appreciate when people take advantage of his kind nature. Sometimes I want to stick up for him and tell off people that "jokingly" call him names or play jokes on him. He laughs it off but I don't.

I do know that David is an awesome stay at home dad. He makes sure the boys are clean and fed and happy. Little Sean always smiles when he sees Daddy. And Seth asks where Dad is any time we go anyplace without David. Did I mention that David picks up the house and cleans the dishes, too. AND makes dinner for me.
I may not have married a wealthy man but I married a man rich with love.