Is this the end?

 I started new in New Hampshire. I left all the shit in Florida. Lots of bad shit. We had tough times there. 

Here I restarted my nursing career and left the drugs behind. I was finally able to get my family into a house for the first time in awhile. We had been evicted a couple times and lived with family and even lived in hotels a couple times. But I was finally getting it together and we got into a house of our own. One that was within our price limit that we weren't even going to have to struggle to make rent. We were gonna have plenty left over! So we could have our cell plans and buy groceries whenever we wanted to without even having to wait for pay day. 

Long gone are the days of counting our change for milk and gas. :) 

We've filled our house up with stuff. Since we had been evicted twice we really had nothing when we moved in here so we had to get all new everything. So we've filled our house to the gills with stuff. 

 That's our house. And considering that we have so much more stuff now that when we moved in I really hope not to move again anytime soon!

So, for my NH nursing license endorsement I need to have my fingerprints done. I've already had my county and state fingerprints done but Thursday I am scheduled to have my FBI fingerprints done. So I wonder how will my Florida arrest show up on the background check. Will I lose my nursing license? I'm scared to death right now. This is all I know. And this is the only way I know to support my family. I tried to be a server, and lets face it, I was lousy. I'm so nervous. 

I've tried to be so good. I've been clean. I follow up with my recovery center and my therapist so I stay clean. My kids are in therapy. I don't know when my family has been this stable and it's because of me! I was able to get us to this place. And I'm afraid I'm going to lose it all. I am trying to be optimistic but I have to be honest, even if my charges were dropped, my charges look pretty bad. And from what I've read the background check includes the arrest charges whether you were convicted or not.

Honestly I think I deserve this second chance. So if anyone reads this. Please give me some good vibes or something cause I could use them.

 

                                                                Joshua-----for smiles:)

The accidental cosleeper

I found this Blog entry from October 2015 and wondered why I never published it. So now it's out of order. It's waaaay out of order. I'm going to try to remedy that. 

It's all about Baby Joshua who is presently not a baby any longer. #sadface

First kid,  I read books and books and had magazine subscriptions about kids. During my pregnancy I drank protein drinks and ate fruits that I hated so I could be healthy.  I wanted to do everything right. Read with him all the time, teach him everything I could. I bought him the nicest, and ridiculously expensive, baby clothes. Fancy toys, museums, aquariums. Only the best for the health and well being of my kid. Unfortunately I ended up with some PPD that threw a wrench into my plans. But I tried.

Third kid, I am just trying to keep him from destroying himself or anything else of value that I possess. Any progress aside from that is just gravy.

This kid has been able to climb about everything and destroy baby gates. He dumps out toy containers so he can use them as step stools. Fragile he is not. Even if he was less than 5 lbs when he was born. He is muscular and big now.

I sure wish he would talk though. His speech is horrible. David and I joked we wouldn't teach this one to walk or talk. He has the walking and running thing down though.
Nearing 3 years old, he still does a lot of baby talk, most of which I don't understand. Dr. says that he'll eventually get it and gave me a referral for speech therapy, but I never did it. I thought I'd give Joshua some time. Most adults can communicate, so with that in mind, I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually. He responds fine so at least it's not a hearing problem.

Much to my husband's dismay, Joshua sleeps in my bed. This was not the plan. I tried to place him in the bassinet the first night home from the hospital, but he would cry immediately, and  I was soo tired. So very tired.
So I put my wee 5 lbs baby in my arms and we slept soundly. And he was so cuddly and snuggly. And it has continued. Every night. Some nights he starts out in his bed but doesn't last. I really don't mind him there. David does.

My main concern is the fact that he has been experiencing the terrible twos for round about three years now....so I am hoping for an end to it one day.

Does anyone even read this?

 I doubt anyone does. But I write in it every now and then, taking breaks years at a time.  The most interesting times of my life are the ones when I don't write in anything in here. Trust me on that one. The years when I struggle the most with life, with my worth, with my addictions, with my mental illnesses. Honestly, the times of my life when I have a little too much party in my system. 

But I don't document them in my blog just in case someone might actually read this one day. I have a lot of memories. Good ones actually. I had lots of fun. But I suffer from guilt because I hurt those I loved the most while I was having that fun. In some cases irreparably. Nobody remembers the many, many years that I sacrificed everything for everybody else. They just remember the couple years that I went off the rails to have fun for myself for once. Maybe it was out of control fun. I should have controlled myself better but I felt better than I had in my life!

I'll tell you what. For so long I've been living in a shell taking care of my kids at home ( and loving it) and taking care of patients at work( and loving it) . But I remained withdrawn staying "good" and proper for years hiding my drug problem. Then all at once My drug problem landed me with an arrest and in low wage jobs struggling to scrounge for quarters for gas and milk for the kids, getting evicted time after time because we couldn't afford rent. For the first time we had to live the poor life. And we lived that way for five years. Moving numerous times, moving the kids from school to school, living with family, living in hotels, almost living in the car. We very narrowly avoided that fate. 

I learned that poor people hang with other poor people. We hang together. And poor people are less judgy cause we've all been through some shit. Even now I'm careful who at work I tell about my past. In the nursing field the nurses and the LNAs  haven't been poor. They have their heads on straight or they wouldn't be in that field.

I feel a comfort around other poors that I don't have around other people. I'm not a good wholesome person. I feel like I have to put on an act around some people or they might see right through me and realize what I'm really all about. 

Anyway. The point is before I got way off track is that Ive been taking care of other people for so damn long and when I took care of myself for awhile suddenly I'm a horrible person. Maybe it was because it involved lots of sex and drugs. But honestly it was a good time. I met some great guys. Maybe that's why I feel so rotten. I feel like I should feel bad but I don't. I liked it. Ill live once. 

Anyway thats enough rambling nonsense for one day. 

Dreams

Lately I have the most bizarre dreams. I'm dreaming of my childhood...but things that never really happened. I guess the people and the surroundings are the same. But maybe I just long for home. Any home at this point. I don't belong anywhere.
I don't feel like I have a home right now. Maybe my dreams are trying to express that. I feeling of safety and security. And most of all warmth.

I never said I was innocent

Im certain that much of my poor choices result from my mental illness issues...or whatever causes my brain to think differently. Addiction isssues, emotional abuse, family dysfunction, whatever. It most likely goes back generations to some mental illnesses along the way.
It's actually sad that we have therapy and meds but not quite any cure for mental illness.

I'm miserable much of the time. I fake it to try to "fake it til I make it" sometimes without success, sometimes with success
But sometimes I fantasize about death. And one person who I used to talk to in depth about this stuff is no longer in contact with me due to to some personal issues on their end. So I'm extra lost. I mean nobody wants to talk about depression. People want to feel good right?
If I had a pile of drugs in front of me I'd take em all simply to feel better or die. It's whatever anymore.

New Hampshire

So we left our jobs and moved to live with David's dad. In New Hampshire. So I've experienced a wide range of emotions in the past couple weeks. And I'm still adjusting to leaving everything behind.
I didn't have much in Englewood but here I have less. LOL. not really. I'm still trying to find my place in this world. I'm still numb and I always want to cry. I've said goodbye to people I loved and people who loved me. And I'm thankful for internet access so I can talk to them.
But I miss everything I have ever known.

Pain

If I even tried to touch on what I have been through in the last few years it wouldn't even come close to telling my story but it involves legal issues, addiction, drugs, mental illness, abuse, infidelity, life, death, evictions, repossession, multiple jobs, poverty, homelessness, love, hate, and sex.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes me stronger but I just feel broken down. So broken. But honestly I gave up after my arrest. I've been existing since then. Mostly just feeling numb about the world.
Ive been trying my hardest to feel anything at all and having only some success. Sometimes the numbness is preferable to the emotional pain I feel for being a failure.
Sometimes I laugh and I love to joke around. My favorite people are those that make me laugh and smile. It's feels wonderful. But deep in my brain I'm always suffering to some extent. I try to suppress it, to ignore it. Or distract myself.

I know my kids would miss me and, damn, I love them more than anything but they deserve better than me.

But, goddamn, the pain can be unbearable.

Baby Bird

Joshua likes to pretend he is a baby bird. I'm, obviously, mommy bird. He snuggles with me and cheeps and tweets and occasionally stands up to flap his pretend baby wings.
When he's crabby I call him my baby bird and he cheers up.

edit...this is an old blog that I discovered under drafts so I decided to publish it three years after it was written.

Oy.

Sometimes I want to scream as loud as I can and throw things and punch things until either they break, or I break. 

Sometimes I want to sleep forever and ever.

Other times I feel nothing at all. UNcomfortably numb.

I assume I have lingered in a chronic depression for a very long time. Some days are okay and others, very bad. 

Sometimes I wish I had a visible physical ailment or a pain that I could just go have a tests done and once it was confirmed, I could receive the proper treatment. 

Mental illness is far more complex. Only I can describe my symptoms to someone else to give me treatment. But I have never been anyone else to compare my emotions to theirs. 

Maybe everybody feels this way and I am just more sensitive to it? I really doubt it. But it's hard to say how I feel is severe depression or minor or chronic. Maybe my anxiety makes it worse. Maybe I am just a worrywart.

Perhaps I am just a miserable person and that is my personality. 

Considering I love to laugh and have a wicked sense of humor, I don't think I am generally miserable. That wouldn't make sense.

I experience suicidal ideations every day. When I read an obituary or an article about someones death I feel envy. 

They don't have to suffer anymore. No more pain and anguish anymore. And most of all they are free from financial stresses. 

I have stated often that I would not be here if it weren't for my kids. They need me so I exist to care for them. David says he needs me too, but he could survive without me. It's the kids I worry about. And the cost for my funeral. That would be an extra burden on my family.

But, no worries, I am not going to die. If there is any higher being, I am sure they plan to punish me for whatever for as long as possible. I will probably suffer until I die of old age at 110, with my luck. 

I certainly hope not to live that long. Another ten years maybe and then I will be ready. Joshua will be 13 and the boys will be 18 and 21. 

I hear you saying, " goddamnit go to a freaking doctor already!!" 

But, and there is always a but, I have no transportation, and most importantly, no baby sitter for Joshua. 

I have no friends and no close family, at all. Not even one person. Except David and he works very early, until late. 

Each day is long and each day is, eh just another day. Another day in a wasted life. Another day. 

Joshua brings me sunshine where, otherwise, there would be none.

the days of whine and roses

Time is ticking down to when we have to be out of the house. We have  been doing plenty of cleaning and getting rid plenty of stuff.
Unfortunately, I am married to a pack rat/ hoarder/ slob, so to get him to part with some items are more than frustrating. He seems to have this idea that all this old junky nonsense might, one day, be worth something.
My amateur opinion of those items is that they will only be good to recycle. No fool would pay for his old junk.

Some of his crap we've been moving place to place and it just takes up space. He has boxes of t-shirts and hats he has memories attached to.

We hope to move to a local town until the end of the school years. But really aspire to leave the state eventually. I want my kids to get out of this nowhere town. Someplace with culture and entertainment. I've been trying to get out for my entire life. I hope I can do it.O:-)

change

We knew the eviction notice was coming but didn't know when. The house we are renting had been in foreclosure for a couple years. I think they just finalized the process in January. We got our notice on Feb.1. 24 hours we had to get out! David was able to get us three weeks. We are hoping we will have our $7,000 from taxes by then so we can get a new place.
We all want to move away, anywhere, and we are excited about that. I need a fresh start. I only hope I can transfer my probation to wherever it may be.
We all need a change and some new scenery. New people. Maybe a younger town, one with museums and nicer parks. I would like some cheap transit system. We are thinking a lot about Tennessee.
 It's going to be stressful and not easy. I'm tired of being stuck in this town.

Memories are weird.

Tis the season of endless Christmas songs. Last night I heard this Nat King Cole tune lightly wafting from the boys' stereo, alerting me that Thanksgiving is now over and Christmas season has begun. I stood in the hall listening quietly as it registered a part of my memory. Not as much the specific song, but the music. It brought me to many, many years ago. But not a specific memory,more like a feeling of a moment. A familiar  and comforting moment. It was a pleasant feeling. A feeling of being safe and happy. Oddly, enough I don't know exactly where or when. 

My Papaw died in 1985 of complications from Alzheimers disease. After he died, I remember finding tapes of Nat King Cole around my Mamaw's house after he died. I can only assume the memories of the Nat King Cole music is from my early years when he was alive.  I am not even sure. 

Strange how unusual things can trigger a memory. A song, a sound, even an aroma. Fortunately, mine are all good memories. Even if I can't picture it in my mind.

Seth

As a kid I never "oohed" or "awwed" over kids and babies. But I was a rather abnormal child. Oddly enough, I always knew I wanted to have children one day. There was nothing more appealing to me that spending my olden years surrounded by my kids and grandkids on holidays.

Seth was born in late 2004, the first of my three sons. And he is dramatically different from the other two.
He is me.
Actually, quite a bit better than me.

He's very intelligent and loves to read. So much so that he has gotten in trouble for reading too often in school instead of paying attention.

He loves to talk to anyone, yet is somewhat socially awkward. This makes me sad.

He is highly anxious and worries about anything and everything. He is extremely anxious when it comes to Joshua. He is so concerned about something bad happening to Joshua. As a fellow sufferer of anxiety, I try to help him with calming techniques as much as I can.

Seth is extremely sensitive and easily upset, especially at school. If he doesn't understand something he might cry out of frustration. One kid that was in a class with him said he wished he had earplugs.
:( Teachers can't stand him because he needs extra encouragement and reassurance( not their fault, they have a lot of kids to tend to and they don't have the time)
Seth becomes obsessed with things he is interested in. Lately it is a Youtube series called "Battle for Dream Island" or something. He has printed out the characters and cut them out and pasted them on popsicle sticks and has them perform episodes, rolling dice to determine the outcome. He knows their personalities and voices.

He loves non-traditional or typically girl toys. he often wonders why the cool toys are for girls. He loves My Little Pony and wants a Bratz Doll. But at the same time he is extremely insecure in the fact that he enjoys these toys. I told him that he can play with whatever he wants, toys are toys. Sean sometimes picks on him and I shut that down quickly.

I feel very protective over Seth. Because he is so much me.
Sean will be fine in life, but I am more concerned about Seth because he is so quirky and unusual. In his adulthood those traits can allow him to excel, but until then, other kids (and teachers) tend not as accepting of his differences.

He saw a psychologist a few years ago that determined that Seth simply "marches to the beat of his own drummer"
And I love that about him. I hope he's never forced to change.

Decisions

One day, to distract myself from reality, I read an article about a young nun and her reasons to go into a convent and some of her experiences. I found it quite interesting for reasons you may not expect.

I am not a religious person, actually I don't follow one at all. 

But I found myself fantasizing about her life, the young nun. The fact that she doesn't have to make any decisions. At.All.

She has a routine she would follow every day, she had chores to do and she just prays the day away. She doesn't have to make any decisions. If you don't have to do that, you can't make the wrong ones. Right?

Granted, I have no desire to pray the day away. But if I could just exist in a everyday boring routine and not have to decide anything, it would be pure bliss. 

David and I have always joked that we had our first child to make choices for us. even back in the days when we wanted to simply go out to eat, that decision was annoying as heck. 

Then as time goes by, you have to make bigger and more important choices. I don't want to decide because I might make the wrong one and , unlike those "Choose your own Adventure" books of  my youth, you can't go back and pick the other option if you discover you picked a shitty choice.

These days I sit knowing I should do plenty of things, but afraid to do the wrong thing, so I do nothing. That is me.

Perhaps I am so consumed by my anxiety. Thankfully, David is smarter than me. I am pretty lucky he picks up the slack because these days I am quite worthless.

If anyone reads this, they probably think I am a huge whiner. Which is okay. I really don't have anyone to vent to and many years ago a therapist told me to write down my feelings or some nonsense. So that is what I do.  If I don't post anything for a while, that means I am doing okay. I  add to this blog ting when I am feeling my most pathetic. Such is life, I suppose.

But in the last few months, I have been arrested, fired, threw my career away, filed for every government assistance I can, and still cannot pay the bills, or the rent. David works his butt off for little money and I have no qualifications to get a job other than the career I cannot continue in. So I think anyone else would be miserable as well. It  is what it is and sometimes I think I just exist in a low level depression and self loathing, functioning day to day. I don't see a bright future for myself. And that is hard to realize.
For years, I could always find a light at the end of the tunnel. But it isn't there for me anymore.

The Haunting story of David Sharp

I have always had a fascination with all thing macabre or horrifying. The creepier and stranger the tale, the more interesting I find it.
Today I stumbled across a documentary on Mount Everest and the fact that over 200 people have died atop the mountain and many, due to the extremely high cost of removing them from the mountain, end up remaining there frozen in time. The bodies lie there in the snow as climbers step over them. Apparently, some of the bodies are pushed off of ledges and cliffs so they will be out of view.
David Sharp was a British climber that froze to death on the mountain in 2006. The documentary I saw actually had him in it.  The group doing the documentary passed him while he was huddled in a cave, they thought he was already dead at first but noticed movement and breath vapor. They encouraged him to keep moving and went on their way. 30-40 people passed him dying in the cave and kept going.
I have never even thought about climbing  a mountain. Heck, I have only seen snow once. But I am so haunted by the fact that this poor man froze to death all alone in the span of a day. Granted, at that altitude hypoxia and frostbite are so common, one has to keep moving or die. But I cannot imagine walking past a barely alive human being and continue to move on.
I just imagine what that poor man was thinking sitting in that cave knowing he would probably freeze to death alone in the dark. The thought horrifies me.
Apparently his frozen body remained there for a year before he was moved. A grim reminder to other climbers that it could happen to them, too.

Avoidance

Not an effective way to deal with stress or stressful situations. Avoidance has been my coping mechanism for a very long time.
I realize that I think I may have been tiptoeing around my anxiety for longer than I even imagined. By avoiding things that may trigger that response, I avoid the end result which might be anxiety or worsening depression.
Things that I am avoiding:

1. Getting a job, ohh a big one. I am scared to death to get a job. I just cannot put myself in a new unpredictable situation. That makes me feel uneasy.

2. Visiting my grandmother. I am the worst granddaughter ever. As she is one of my very favorite people on this planet, her progressing dementia is still so difficult for me to face. She is someone else now and I am stuck on the Depression stage of the grieving process, can't get to acceptance. I know I will when it's too late.

3. Trying to make or maintain any friendships. I am alone with Joshua often, but I like the predictability of it. New people =new situations, and there we are again with the anxiety.

4. Making any effort to improve my quality of  life. I have no idea how or what to do. I truly have no idea where my life will take me and as messed up as things are I have no idea what to do about it. It's like a bottleneck in my brain: too many thoughts at once.So I opt to try not to think as much as possible.

5. Making phone calls. I can do this, but have to psych myself up to accomplish it. I may have to talk to someone and I might not know what to say. They will probably find that I am not too bright. Or something else negative, I just know it. This seems to be preventing me from making an appointment with a psychiatrist. Now that I actually have Medicaid, I can actually go.

I actually like staying at home or doing activities with just the boys and myself. I feel safe and secure with them. Especially David, poor guy is like my stress sponge, whatever I can't handle he takes on. But that isn't healthy for him either.
Rarely, good things happen in my life. This has been going on for a long, long time. The good things in my life I can count on one hand. I am married to one and the other three I bore.
I really could use a break. Before I break.

Settling for Last Place

Winning is not a realistic goal for me. 

Sometimes I feel like I started running a race many years ago. I started at the same time as many others and kept up for a short while, some lagged behind, some led the pack.  I was toward the middle, but as time went on I was left farther and farther back until people behind me passed me up and people in the lead started to pass me as they rounded the track again.

     

No matter how hard I tried , it seems I kept tripping over my own feet, or stumbling on a pebble. People on the sidelines that were rooting for me left long ago when I started to get farther from the front. They weren't very surprised, they figured it was a matter of time.

Suddenly. I step in a hole. I saw the hole there but thought I could get around it. No such luck. I fall down hard and am injured. I don't want to continue anymore and it is pointless since I am so far behind everyone else. I'll never catch up. I could try again in a different race but I feel like I have tried so much already, I don't want to do it anymore.Now I sit there and cry. Not sure what to do now. I have nobody to offer me any guidance or support. I'd like some advice but I am all alone now, everyone just keeps running and going around me. they think I should have seen the hole, it is my own fault. 

But David and the boys are still watching me from the sidelines. They rush to me and help me up. They help me off the track. They still love me even though I fell down.  Even though I didn't win, and I won't ever win. 

I am not sure when I will have a chance to be in any more races. Not sure what kind of race I am best suited for. I wish I knew what to do next.

Shame

Who knew I would enjoy the domestic life? I really like being at home with kids, cleaning and baking and walking to the park. I like not having the stress of a job on my shoulders. Maybe I did not realize just how much stress and responsibility I was carrying in my day to day job as a nurse. Every day going home and wondering if you will get a call that you documented something incorrectly, or someone made a complaint. Or you forgot to do something.

But when I see people I know out in town, I know that they are aware of my arrest. People in the health care field talk, so I know that they know what happened. And I wonder if they are judging me, feeling sorry for me. Do they still like me? Are they being genuinely kind? I make slightly awkward small talk and walk away. I don't want to discuss my situation, even though they might wonder.

I don't feel the shame when I am around people I don't know or when I am alone. I have made peace with myself. That is most important.
But I often feel like I want to move away to a new place to start fresh. A new start.

Happy?

Merrily, I was driving down the road as I realized how good I felt, how happy I was. I smiled and looked back at Joshua watching the world go by from his car seat blissfully unaware of the stresses and worries of the world.

And then I felt an odd sense of guilt. I thought "Wait a second, I was arrested! I still have to meet with my attorney and go to court and who stinkin' knows what will happen? I shouldn't feel happy. I should feel shame or something, I guess. What's wrong with me?"
But I suppose it would be a miserable life to feel shame for the rest of my life. I'm in no way proud of what has happened but it certainly does not define me. It's merely another chapter in the book of my life, and hopefully I will be stronger from  it. My arrest is not me. Just something that happened to me. My struggles are not me, just part of my life experience.

You know, I was so naive and gullible as a teen. Anyone could convince me of anything. Now I feel so foolish from those days.
I wish I knew what I know now, then. I would have made much better choices. But then I wouldn't have learned the lessons that led me to what I am today.

I actually like myself the way I am now. I refuse to spend  my life in shame. That's just the way it is.

Hunger

It's a delightful feeling being hungry and unable to decide what to eat because your cabinets are full.
Never take it for granted.
I refuse to be ashamed that  I had to ask for food assistance while we get caught up and get it together. Though I feel society wants me to feel complete and utter shame and feel horrible about it. But you know what is worse? Being really hungry.
Some people like to complain about people like myself "living off of the taxpayer" but I will remind you that I am a taxpayer. I have been gainfully employed for the last 23 years. Now I need help so survive while we get back on our feet. That is why the help is there, is it not? We don't all have a wealthy great-uncle to call when times are tough.

David is working his tail off 40 hours a week and I have applied for a newspaper delivery route, so I am hoping things all work out. My landlord is going to work with us regarding the rent so I don't have to worry about being out on the street anytime very soon. And I am hoping that I can call the Salvation Army to help with the outrageous electric bill this month so it isn't shut off. It's so hot outside.

I have my court date on Monday and I will be meeting with my public defender. They are pushing back my arraignment, so I guess I won't have to worry about going to jail at this point. I really don't think that will happen, first offense and all. I'm crossing my fingers. I don't expect the world to feel bad for someone in my situation. I don't deserve sympathy.  But I am hoping for the best outcome possible for my family and my children. They do not deserve to suffer.
As far as they are concerned, as long as there is plenty of food they are happy and content. Do boys ever stop eating?!

Success

I have been floundering within a mid-life crisis of sorts for a while now. I keep thinking of all the thins I have not yet accomplished, placed I have not been, adventures I have not experienced. And, of course, all of the success I will not ever achieve.

Maybe we are not all supposed to be awesome.

But I always equate success in a rather American manner, by money, wealth, and stuff.

I suppose there are other ways to be successful.
I think my kids are my greatest success. I have some pretty neat kids. And they all seem pretty bright, I suppose.
My shortcomings in my life allow me to realize what is important to create a great kid. As long as I can provide the basics and some emotional support, I hope I can guide them to being good and decent people. I can only hope that my kids turn out better than myself. Isn't that what we all want for our offspring?

    

I try to focus on Maslow's hierarchy of needs to prioritize what I need to accomplish in life. Sometimes I go up a rung, and sometimes I fall back. I may never reach the top but maybe it will be my eventual life's goal to get there. Who knows?

The Continuing Saga...

When you get all the way to bottom, you can't get farther down. Eventually, something good has to happen. The light at the end of the tunnel, I suppose. Yesterday was a pretty good day. 

Since David has been looking for work he has received quite a few potential job offers. Myself on the other hand; none. No calls or anything. But whatever.

David got a job! Full time at Palm Island Resort doing maintenance and repair stuff. Not too shabby. I am very proud of him. :) I have filled out an application to, hopefully, get a newspaper route in the early hours before David goes to work. I will turn it in on Saturday and hopefully something will come of it. 

I also got a public defender for my court date. One less thing to worry about. I will meet with him on my court date and then they will move my arraignment back, so I will have another court date.

My brother said he will watch my boys on the morning of my court date. Another huge sigh of relief. another thing that I can stop worrying about. Though, unfortunately, I will have to go to court alone since David is working now. But  my mother-in-law might be able to go with me. 

Now I just need to get used to being stay-at-home mom and try not to let these boys drive me nuts. Attempting to clean the house with Joshua's "help" is a losing battle. I can't remember how I survived the other two boys "terrible two" years.  Joshua is a constant walking disaster. Everything he touches turns to broken. And he's awfully loud.

The kids are running in circles yelling. Wow. It's a crazy life.

Uncertainty

Oddly enough, I find that I am not unhappy in general. I really like staying home hanging out with my kids and my husband. We laugh a lot. I even enjoy chasing Joshua and cleaning up his messes to some extent.
If we were independently wealthy I would be perfectly content.

But we are not. David and I have both been looking for jobs. Lots of applications. No phone calls.
Because of my arrest, my options are more limited. And outside of healthcare I don't have any experience or skills so I am not really good for anything. I mean,what restaurant or hotel, or whatever would hire a former nurse with no kitchen or retail experience?

Each night I lie in m cozy bed with my cool A/C and wonder how many days until the electricity is turned off. Or where we might go at the end of the month since we cannot pay the rent. I suppose my internet access might be turned off any day. I don't even know where we will store all our furniture and stuff. We've tried to sell items but nobody will buy them.
On Monday we are going to call Salvation Army to see about help with the electricity. It's so hot outside.

I try to downplay everything to the kids. They don't need to worry.

Two-and-a-half weeks until my court date and I am nervous already. David is afraid I will go to jail, but I try not to think too much about that. I don't want to spend my day having a panic attack.
I am still unsure about how I  get a public defender. Do I tell them at the court date? Do I call someone?
I find it interesting that throughout this arrest business, and court dates, and legal stuff, nobody gives me much information about anything. I am not told what to do or what to expect. Just where to go. And many of the people in the jail were mean about it. I have to say there was one guy who was nice and answered some questions for me.
I know that this is not a popular opinion but I think that people who have been arrested are still humans and have thoughts and feelings and unless they are being resistive and unreasonable they should still be treated civilly. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I find that when I see a police car on the road I feel so nervous. Even watching a show like "Cops"makes me feel so anxious. I always seem to have some level of fear when I drive anywhere. I like my home where I feel safe. Nothing can hurt me here.
Shoot, at this point I might not be able to hold a job. Being away from my home for several hours at a time might be too difficult. Once I was fearless, now I am fearful.

I can only try my best.

The New Bad Me

I am having a tough time coming to terms with the fact that I am now a Bad Person.

For 38 years, no matter what happened, or what  I struggled though, I was still a Good Person. Now I cannot say that any longer. though my husband insists that I certainly have not been convicted of anything, but if anyone looks they can see that I have been arrested and what I was charged with. They won't see the court records with the (hopefully) reduced charges. See, I still am not telling so much...you have to look for yourself.

I had a family member get arrested for a DUI, it was decreased to something about reckless driving. See that sounds MUCH better. I wonder if they charge you with something more severe sounding because they know it will be reduced, much like medical places charge insurance twice what they know they will receive.

Everywhere I go, every place I look, I wonder if anyone else around me is a Bad Person, too. And how did they get though it?

And I have also learned people that I thought were Really Good People, have a Bad Person past. But it makes me happy to know that those people survived to continue to have a Good Life. So I guess I don't have to stay here in BadPersonville for the rest of  my life.

Maybe it won't be the end of the world. Not for myself, or my family. And who cares what anyone else thinks.

The Unraveling

Each day I lose a little more hope, I have a little less optimism. My brain won't stop and I have more and more trouble focusing or concentrating for any period of time.
My anxiety never seems to end.
Sometimes I just cry and cry about what might happen. "How will I live. How am I going to support my family. How will I survive. What am I going to do?"

Thank goodness for David, Seth, Sean, and Joshua for their existence.

Or I am sure I would not have much reason to wake up in the morning. I wonder what method of death would be quick and painless. I wonder how many other people are feeling this way, I wonder if my family would be better off without my nonsense.

 I find myself shaking from the anxiety and the madness in my brain. David begs me not to harm myself. But when  am truly upset, when I am at my lowest point, I always think of snuggling with Joshua.
I can;t actually do it.


I was sitting on the floor sobbing when Joshua toddled over and crouched down, He rubbed my head and said, "Okay?" then he put his finger to his lips and said "shhhhhh" I then received a big hug and a kiss.
How could I leave that kid?
But at the same time I wish he had a better mother, A more successful one, on that isnt a loser. I want the best for them, and it;s clearly not myself, I am so lost,

Each day i feel more like reality is not so real, not to me, Since Im broke, I intend to check out the behavioral center on monday and hopefully I will be able speak to a Dr, Maybe an inpatient trip might be needed if I start having a breakdown. We shall see, Swimming is becoming too difficult.

Let me tell you about torture.

My brain is always in overdrive..and not in a intelligent type of way. More in an anxiety inducing the thinking never stops way. I seriously have to be doing something at every moment of every day. I have to bring reading material to the bathroom for goodness sake. I check my phone at stop lights. I read or watch TV while I eat. Prior to having the ability to fast forward commercials and Netflix, I would read a book during commercials when watching TV. My mind only rests while I sleep.

So spending 8 hours waiting in a cold processing room and then in a colder holding cell on a freezing hard slab of cement alone with only my thoughts was a torture I cannot begin to describe. I spent my time crying or having anxiety attacks. When I was calm I tried to rest my head on my smelly shoes because that was better than the cement. I noticed the men in other cells took their shirts off to place under their head as a sort of pillow but I wasn't about to do that! Nobody would tell me anything and it was even worse not being able to notify my worried sick husband for six and a half hours. He seriously thought I had left him forever. I guess I had always assumed that you could make a phone call when you get to jail, not that you have to wait half a day to be allowed. Maybe that's part of the punishment.

I seriously was thinking that I would rather have my left hand amputated if I could just go home and snuggle with my boys. They were all I thought about and maybe the reason I didn't drive myself insane with my thoughts.

I am eternally thankful for my lovely husband and wonderful father for bailing me out and getting me home. Even if it was father's day. I suppose I am the worst daughter/ wife ever. I have a road of legal issues and other stuff to sort out. But I have been very surprised at the amount of support I have found from unexpected places. People who have been there before. I am learning that some people's "Facebook life" doesn't necessarily reveal the low and horrible points that we all seem to experience. Maybe not to my severity, but nevertheless, we all have our secrets and our demons.

My sister told me to "just keep swimming" and I also have had a good friend offer me that same advice in the past. It sounds good. I will try my best to do it. Just keep swimming.....

When it rains....well you know the rest.

Our van has been a big ol' money pit since we purchased it. For the amount of money we have put in that stinkin' thing, we could have gotten something that wasn't a piece of crap. Anyway, that is what you get when 1. you buy froma "buy here, pay here" place and 2. you have lousy credit and limited financing options.
We are actively looking for a new (used) vehicle and have a couple in mind but as far as I am concerned car salesmen are the dregs of society and are not to be trusted. they just seem so icky, Like after you shake their hand you want to wash your hand really well.
On the way home from checking one out our van went caput. We walked home the rest of the way. So it's still sitting on the side of the road at the intersection of Midway and Lakeview if you happen by that way.
I hate that thing. But we may have to fix it in order to trade it for something else. Sigh.

David and his job have parted ways. There were politics involved. Every place has those few employees that love to build themselves up and kiss the buttocks of their boss. Unfortunately if you don't get along well with the favored ones, it might not bode well for you.  Poop happens. It is what it is.
He already has another place in mind and will be looking around. this next week after we sort out the van issues. Kinda need a van to get to work.
But on the bright side, this will enable be to pick up some more days and shifts on my schedule.

I am not feeling down or discouraged but David is.

The motto of our marriage has always been " It's always an adventure " so that is what I think of every little bump in the road. Not an obstacle, but an adventure of sorts. Why not?

BP is up :( But I am a legal driver again! :)

I guess you take the good with the bad. I am okay with that as long as there is some good somewhere.
Oy, had to see the Dr. to refill my Cymbalta and I happened to develop an ear infection in the couple of days leading up to the appt. Got some antibiotics but also found out my blood pressure is high..again. I guess I can't call it a fluke anymore because it seems to be high every time someone checks it.
weird thing is that I would assume that an elevated blood pressure would start out as a normal one and then creep higher and higher until , BAM!, you've got hypertension. Mine was fine, fine, fine, preeclampsia,.aaaaand never really stabilized very well after that. It seems so strange to me. I notice that when I can feel my heart beating and get hot and flushed my blood pressure tends to be up.
I am trying to stay calmer. Even got a prescription for Xanax to help me out. David is going to get me a BP cuff from the store on the way home from work so I can check it at home.
I hate to be one off those people obsessed with checking my blood pressure but I have a feeling I might need to keep an eye on it. It was 150/105 before I left work today. :(

But on the positive side. David was able to clear up my court fees from the speeding ticket I got last June. My license may or may not have been suspended since October because I owed $400 bucks. And I may or may have not been driving around with my fingers crossed driving under the speed limit during that time...mostly only to and from work though.
But all is good now. I am legal and insured.

Now I just need to get rid of this stinking ear infection. How do I end up with ear infections at 37 years old? What is this craziness?

Can you have an emotionally abusive kid?

I used to get mad but now I mostly just cry.
Everyday I hear that he hates me and that I make him so angry. If I didn't make him so angry he wouldn't have to yell at me. If I don't respond it makes him more angry and he yells more. If I do respond, the same exact thing happens. He also yells at his brother and tells him he hates him also.
I hear a lot of " My life is so horrible, I hate my life. Everything bad always happens to me!"

Seth is more likely to let his behavior roll off his back. Seth sees how sad it makes me and gives me hugs,
 "You know that later he will say he's sorry and that he didn't mean it."

Seth and I joke that there is a "Nice Sean" and "Mean Sean". Nobody likes Mean Sean. Sean doesn't even like Mean Sean. He claims that he tries so hard to be Nice Sean. But of course, when Mean Sean comes out it is usually my fault. According to him.
Because I asked him to turn off the video game, or do his homework, or go brush his teeth, or go to bed, or get out of bed, or go to school, etc, etc.
Afterward he also gives me lots of hugs and tells me he is so sorry and that he doesn't mean it and that he will try harder next time to control Mean Sean. He becomes extra helpful and sweet and nice. Until the next time.

One night walking home from scouts I joked, with my dark humor, that I was going to make Sean Stew for dinner. We always joke like that. I think it's fairly obvious that I would never cook my child for dinner.
Sean became very angry and told me I was such a mean mom for "threatening" to kill my child and he was going to call the police and report me.

I thought that it might be a middle child syndrome or feeling somewhat neglected because of Joshua. One of the reasons we got him involved with Cub Scouts. I go to meetings and campouts, just him and me. I thought it might help but it hasn't.

Sometimes he just makes me sad and cry, other times I am scared at what his irrational anger might morph into. I am not sure what to do. Right now he only has Medicaid so psychiatrists aren't really an option. Besides he is nice to everyone else so they wouldn't see his anger anyway.
He saves his anger and hate for me only. I don't know why. But my heart can't take much more.

The art of self sabotage ( or self loathing at its finest)

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wanted to break the mirror because you hated what you were seeing?
Confidence is not something that has come to me easily. In any way. I have always felt that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough..for anything.
Anything good, at least.
I feel like I am only a mediocre person who barely deserves a mediocre life. I have been fortunate to have stumbled upon some pretty wonderful things in my life like my husband and children, that I clearly am not good enough for. At least that is what my mind believes.

Nobody ever outright told me I was ugly as far as my memory goes, but I see it and I know it. As much as my parents told me growing up and my husband tells me all the time that I am a beautiful person, I attribute their beliefs on the fact that they love me and love can do a couple things: 1. Love is blind, it can make the unattractive seem beautiful. 2. Love also makes you not want to hurt the feelings of the person you love. Therefore you aren't going to really tell the person you love that they are unfit to look at.

But not only have I never felt like I was anything worth looking at but I never felt I was truly deserving of anything good in life. Everyone else is smarter, prettier, better. And I could never be as good as them.
It's this self hatred that I am sure has held me back many times in my life.
It's this self hatred that kept me in emotionally abusive and unhealthy relationships in my young years. It also kept me in friendships with people that treated me horribly in my youth.
And people could tell me all day long that I am worthy of happiness and good things but, of course, I will never believe them because I think they are being kind and decent people instead of telling me the truth.
Funny how the mind works. Not funny ha-ha, more like funny bizarre.
Maybe one day I won't spend each day pretending I like myself for the outside world but knowing in my heart that I am undeserving of anything good in life.
Self sabotage.

Work updates and stuff..

I am very happy with my new job. They are properly staffed and organized for one thing , so that is a welcome change from the last place I was at!

As some of you already are aware, I interviewed for the medical records position on Wed. There is one more interview on Monday and then I will find out if I have the job. But as of now, I was told, I am favored for the position in part because of my bubbly, happy personality and that I am always smiling. Being in medical records means that I will have to build good relationships with the people I work with since I will have to "nag" them for missing items for charts being closed out and such. Apparently it works out better if you aren't a cranky grump. :)

I am excited about the opportunity but am happy with my job no matter what happens. I am perfectly happy being a floor nurse. It's what I know and what I enjoy. I am just happy making some $$ again.

I am looking forward to a good new year. 2015, you have got to be better than 2014!!

Cautiously Optimistic

During my orientation I was reviewing a patient chart with the clinical educator and I kept finding little errors, like papers filed in the wrong place. Quite a few actually. So I fixed the issues I found. Anyone would have, and it wasn't really a big deal but I am a bit obsessive about things having to be in the correct location and nice and tidy.
The educator asked if I had ever done medical records and I said that I am very familiar with chart checks and audits but since I love to organize everything I often wondered if I would do well in that position.
Fast forward to yesterday. She told me that she informed the Director of Nursing that I was meticulous with the charts and that I am quite smart and she thinks I would do well in the currently unoccupied medical records position. I told her I would definitely be interested!
The Director of Nursing talked to me about it today and said that she had a couple more interviews to do for that position and depending on how those go she might be getting back to me regarding filling it! Apparently they want a nurse in that position.
Mon through Fri and I would get to be the occasional manager on duty, because I would be considered a department head!!
Can you imagine me as Director of Medical Records? Wow, that sounds so administrative!
I guess I shouldn't get too excited about the possibility yet. But I am going to keep my fingers crossed. If anyone reads this cross your fingers for me also. :)

I can only hope I will be as lucky!

So my Mamaw lives in an Assisted Living Facility now. My dad says he visits frequently and takes her to a movie and out to eat once a week. Not to mention all that he's done for her prior to her move when he was over to check on her all the time.
I can only hope my boys will treat me as well in my later years.
I hope I can raise a man as successfully as my grandmother did.

Update:
I went to visit my Mamaw on Friday and check out her new place. She loves it and I love it. Unfortunately having a conversation with her now is similar to having a conversation with a stranger. She doesn't remember much , names, places, etc. So I had to chat like I was talking with someone I had just met. Sad. But she was very happy to see Joshua and we had a very nice visit. :)

Frustration.

So I got a job. One that I think I am going to like. Nice people, good atmosphere, decent pay. When I worked there before I was PRN( as needed) so the hourly rate was a little higher than regular rate since I didn't have benefits, etc. This time around they kept me at the same pay rate, so I was quite happy about that. I felt like I could have done little dance right there in the human resources office when I found out. Don't worry. I didn't.


But the staff that is supposed to orient me is in the process of orientation themselves so until they get their poop together I just have to hang around waiting for them to call me. Little annoyed by that. I really need to work.


But in the meantime I have a small 401K check that I am expecting in the mail to tide me over. Maybe I can actually get a Christmas gift or two for the boys.


So I wait, for my orientation, and my check. I hate waiting.

Don't you wish you knew the last time was the last time?

Picture it: Thanksgiving 2006, Big fat pregnant woman lies dozing on the couch in her scrubs after a days work, while the rest of the family eats. The food smells so good, but it feels better to put her feet up.


That was the last time my grandmother made Thanksgiving dinner. I loved her food. And she made the best mashed potatoes in the world. And I was too exhausted to enjoy the meal. I did work an 8 hour shift on Thanksgiving morning, so who would blame me? But I wish I could go back in time.


My grandmother hasn't gone anywhere. Only her mind has. She has recently moving from her home into an assisted living facility. She has been declining in recent years. The poor gal is 87 for Pete's sake.
But I still wish you knew the last time was the last time. Because you never know what the future might bring.

I love a rainy night...

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring! And the kids are all asleep, even Joshua my little night owl. And David is at work. I love the sound of quiet, only the sound of the rain. 'Tis quite delightful.
I frequently blog only when my brain is too full of nonsense that needs to be expelled. Right now I feel okay, quite content. Therefore I have no idea what to write, but I wanted to make one post  about feeling optimistic and good so that the world knows I don't wander around all gloomy and discouraged all the time. Sometimes I am actually happy, can you imagine?
I had a good evening with my boys, we watched TV snuggled together. What is better that snuggling with your favorite people on a stormy evening? I seriously couldn't pick my favorite kid. They are all so different but wonderful as well. Even when they refuse to eat the banana muffins I made for them. meh.

Cemetery

By now everyone knows I enjoy the peace at the cemetery, so I took Joshua a couple days ago and wandered around. He just likes to be out of the house, he doesn't care. And from what I know of elderly folks, they love babies and little kids, so I didn't think they'd mind a visit.
I like to think they appreciate my visits and my quiet singing to my son as we wander the grounds, I guess I like to think it would bring a smile to their face.

I think I might have a better relationship with the dead than the living....but moving on.

I saw many, many more names that I recognize. I told Joshua stories of them all, even the lady that chased me down the hallway when I was a CNA.
 I even saw the lady that was my very first patient at Southport Square when I was in CNA school, maybe 1997 or 1998. She was 96, and at the time was the oldest person I had ever met in real life.

Of course I visited my Papaw and introduced Joshua to him. My papaw died in 1985 from complications related to Alzheimers disease at..59. Yes, Very young. So he was suffering from dementia for my entire life, but even so I don't want him to think anyone has forgotten him, so I keep him up to date about stuff and life.

I don't know what it is about the cool fall weather that makes me ponder over the past. This happens every year.

Introspection and Mortality

Once upon a time I spent many a night at one of the 3 or 4 cemeteries in town. Then we would hit Denny's for some early AM hours food. Ah, those were the days.

Yes, night. My brother and myself would sit upon a bench in one of the local cemeteries and under the moon and the stars we would ponder our existence, or some such thing. We had some of the best conversations there.
As a child my mother took us to have a picnic at a cemetery in Fall River, Mass. It was quite huge, and old and impressive. We were visiting my grandfather, and Lizzie Borden..but that is a story for another day.
As a teen I toured the cemetery in Mooresville, NC with my grandmother, who actually happened to know every single person buried there and their stories. Fascinating.

But in my years as a long term care nurse I frequently meet people in the last years of their life, many times I am there with them in their last days. People I have taken care of and loved and befriended, gone. I always feel sad. Though they are in their 70s, 80s, and 90s they have had long successful lives but it's still sad.
Anyway, many, many of them are buried or interred at one particular location and when I go visit my grandfather I usually wander the rows reading the flat metal plates that have every name and birthdate on them. I always find more and more names I recognize and I always ask God to bless them. This agnostic is not above asking whatever higher being that is out there to take care of my patients that I have loved.
I have a box full of obituaries. Names of some of my favorite people I have known, sometimes I read them just to remember. It makes me sad and happy. Sad they are gone but happy I was lucky enough to know them.

I believe death is the beginning to something else. I am not sure what. But I want to believe that those wonderful people are somewhere in another plane happy and free from any suffering and pain.
And I hope I was able to make as much of a difference in their life as they did in mine.

"W"

So it's been a "W" kind of day, meaning there has been lots of ups and downs.
Sooo, Saturday I foolishly missed my appt. for my level 2 fingerprinting for job at facility #1 because I confused the time with my Thursday physical. Meh.

 I rescheduled it, no problem. Going tomorrow. ****high point

Today was my interview with facility #2. I did okay but was told there were a few other people interviewing as well. Chances for the job not so high.****low point

Decided to apply at facility #3- Two former coworkers are employed there and told me I could use them as a reference. One is going to tell the person doing the hiring that I will be coming in. Looks promising. I will go there on Thursday. ***high point

Had disagreement with the husband about stuff and things and jobs and jealousy and marriage and stuff from the past and blah, blah, blah....yawn***low point

Got lots of hugs and kisses from my kids***always a high point.

Bedtime-time to snuggle with Joshua, I guess a toddler should sleep in his own bed but he's so snuggly****high point

Sometimes I want to wake up and find that some things in my life are merely a bad dream, but there are wonderful things that I have as well. I guess we have to take the good with the bad, that's just life for you. Some days I really think that if it weren't for my boys , I might not still be here.
Sometimes I just long for peace and an end to my suffering.

For now, I will simply settle for some sleep.

Anxiety

Filled out paperwork for my new job today, and oddly enough I feel more anxious about it than I did when I went to the interview. I have to do fingerprinting and "fit for duty" physical next week. Once everything comes back alright, I can begin work. And I have another interview on Monday.

I know I have nothing to worry about but I am anyway. Feeling almost paranoid, "do I look okay? I think my shoes are too dirty, I should have pulled my hair into a ponytail, crap I forgot to take out my eyebrow piercing, I really need some new clothes, am I acting nervous, etc. etc. etc. " And when I am nervous I make the most painfully awkward small talk.

Perhaps just normal anxiety about beginning a new job. I just want them to like me. And make a proper first impression and be successful. I want to do well.

I Wish the Gears Would Stop Turning.

The ones in head that is..Today I am trying something new and I really hate it. I am attempting to adopt a healthier lifestyle and it takes some getting used to. For the first time in a while my mind is clear as a freshly cleaned window, but I kinda miss the smudges and grime I have become used to.

So now, I am thinking and thinking and it's constant. My thoughts are coming at me nonstop and I am no longer distracted from them. I lay in bed and my brain keeps thinking on and on and on. About what I did that day, what am I going to do the next day, what should I wear, what should my kids wear, what should I did, what have I done, conversations I have had, conversations I need to have, places to go and things to do.
I have been this way forever but sometimes I am able to muffle the thoughts a bit. If only so I can sleep. It's irritating. So much.
I don't like it.

ETA:On a somewhat related note I had forgotten how horrible liquor tastes. Ugh. Burns the stomach.

Good times...maybe things are looking up.

Just maybe.
Tonight I took the boys to a trunk or treat event at a local church and actually had a delightful time. And everything was free which was great since I'm broke.
Can you imagine I was on church property and I didn't even burst into flames? Maybe I am not really so bad after all.
And I have a promising job interview on Monday afternoon.
So I sit here alone in the dark next to a smelly candle watching "The Golden Girls"  and life is good. I keep wanting to go to bed like a sane person should. But this damn show is so funny I can't stop. I don't even care if you make fun of me. Just go ahead and do it already.
Halloween party with Cub Scouts tomorrow, Halloween the next day and Saturday another backyard campout with Sean. We enjoyed the last one so much we want to sleep outside again. Sick, I know.

Nighty night world.

I hate dementia so much

As a nurse with many , many years of experience in long term care I have taken care of a plethora of individuals with all types of dementia ( you know there are several, right? Alzheimer's Dementia is only one type) It isn't easy taking care of some dementia patients. It's a horrible and awful disease that steals precious memories and dignity from elderly people. You can't prevent it and there is no cure. In end stages they are like adult babies, having to be fed and wear diapers. They can't walk or talk. They become merely a shell of their former self.

Usually this is where I meet the patient, when they are in the end stages and require nursing care 24 hrs a day. Many times over the years I wonder why those patient's families don't visit very often. I would say to my coworkers, " How awful, her daughter lives in this town and she doesn't ever come see her mom. It's horrible." Or when they are dying, " What, I can't believe no family flew across the country to sit with their dying dad, how cruel"
Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make a person really understand.

I love my grandmother, I shall refer to her as " Mamaw" for the rest of this blog post. Mamaw was a very intelligent, strong woman in her day. She was loving, wise, fair, kind and wonderful. She made the best roast and mashed potatoes ever! And I would request it as my birthday meal every year.
When my family were going through rough times I knew I could rely on her to be a voice of logic and reason and I also could count on a hug when I needed it. I owe her so much.

When I was 21 and climbing out of the depths of a depression and leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, Mamaw was my rock. She let me live in her house for three years while I got it together and went to nursing school. And those were a wonderful few years. I was so busy with work, school, and social life that I didn't spend as much quality time with her as I could have but we did have some great times. She inspired me in many ways and I always longed to be like her. I love her so much it hurts. I miss her.

You see, about everything in that paragraph was written in past tense. But she is still alive. Lewy Body Dementia has robbed her of her. She isn't herself anymore. She looks like my Mamaw but she is frail, sad, and unsure. She is confused and illogical. The wisdom in her eyes is long gone. I feel like my 87 year old Mamaw is alive, but not living anymore, simply existing.
I used to take the boys to visit every other week but after her dementia set in, it became difficult. For me. It's so hard to see her like that.

It makes me sad and angry at God. She took care of my grandfather through his Alzheimer's battle many years ago, how could God do this to her? Why couldn't she be spared? Why her? I can't stand it.
So now I am the horrible family that visits infrequently because it's too difficult FOR ME. And I hate that I am so selfish. I have gone through the stages of grieving and haven't been able to get to the acceptance part yet, I'm stuck in the depression part. I am grieving the loss of my Mamaw, who is still on this planet, but it's not her anymore. I love her so much.

So now, instead of looking in from the outside. I am on the inside, experiencing the dementia with my Mamaw and the rest of my family. Now I see how a family can accept the loss of a loved one before they pass away. Because, by the time death arrives, the dementia patient is long gone from the shell that is their body. And the family has accepted that. It hurts when someone you love doesn't know who you are anymore. It hurts a lot.
Mamaw still knows me but I don't know for how long.

I hate dementia, I hate it so much.

Yay, America is #30!!

 In healthcare that is. True story.

http://www.cmglp.com

Remember all the American pride you were taught in school, told by your culture. We are big on patriotism and American pride here. People say "we are the land of the free, we are a democracy!!"

Which actually isn't true, we are a Republic, and we are not the only free country by far, actually there are countries free-er than us.
I wonder what they teach their population in other countries? "Yay Luxembourg! We are number 25, Woooooo!!!!"

The above link leads to an article explaining that the US is only # 1 in violence and exporting weapons, oh and income inequality...can't forget that. Maybe prison population as well.

We are way down the list as far as healthcare, life expectancy, education, environmental issues, childhood poverty, about everything not having to do with weapons and bombing other countries. Our military is larger than any other on Earth. For the money we spend on military we could probably educate and give healthcare to every person in this country. Instead of policing the world, maybe we should take care of our own issues for once. We certainly have plenty.

No wonder other countries hate us, we are violent.. People in some countries probably spend their entire life afraid of us, wondering if we are going to bomb their house any day. Maybe years and decades of wars have created these extremists that want to kill Americans. I suppose if for your entire life France was bombing your country , you might hate French people...
Maybe we are the terrorists to them?
Maybe we are the bad guys to the rest of the world.

I hear people saying that soldiers are fighting for our freedom. But really? How does a terrorist organization on the other side of the world affect our freedom? I saw a documentary about the Vietnam war and someone mentioned how the soldiers were fighting for our freedom. What? A civil war between the Vietnams affected our freedoms how?

It almost seems cult-like to require children to say the Pledge of allegiance. the monotone reciting while facing the US flag. It almost looks like something I would see required of Chinese citizens. Many other countries do not have a pledge of allegiance. They may have a national anthem to sin, but that is all. To some people from other countries, watching Americans say the pledge looks a little like mindless brainwashing.

Is it wrong to lack pride in one's country? I don't hate it. It's a beautiful country, lots of wonderful , intelligent people are here. I just think there is quite a bit of room for improvement. Stop trying to convince the people that we are the best, because there are other countries that are better, the people are happier and healthier and smarter. I think it could be us..if we knew how to manage our resources better and put our people's needs and wants over wars and violence.

Focus

Sometimes I over focus on things that I cannot control and then I end up all anxious and grumpy. I feel hopeless and my problems seem far bigger than I am.
Today I realize that every single one of my stresses is financially related. Aside from finances, I don't have it too bad. I have a lovely husband and three super duper awesome, healthy, smart kiddos. They say the best things in life are free and I do agree. Family and health are very important.
Though I certainly wouldn't mind some cash to clear up my other issues.

My kids rock. They have got it together far more than I did when I was their age.

I was, simply put, a weird kid that was painfully shy, I am thinking some severe social anxiety.  If I was school age now, I sure someone would have me sent to a psychologist. I should have. I was truly bizarre. In elementary school I refused to speak to people. If I saw a classmate at the grocery store and they said hello, I would not respond to avoid any social interaction.
I absolutely refused to answer the phone at my house, again the fear of the social interaction.
I would not even answer questions in class if the teacher called on me, I would just cry. I was mortified of speaking in front of the class. In 3rd grade I was made to read a book report in front of the class..I cried the entire way through. Teachers hated me.
Obviously I had few friends. Some days on the playground were lonely. I would sit alone while everyone else played. I loved to read. I read all the time, nonstop. I loved immersing myself in other happy worlds, it was probably one thing that brought me joy at certain times in my life.

As I may have mentioned before I had an obsession with numbers. Even numbers, especially 4. Sometimes I HAD to do things 4 times or I would become anxious. 4 4 4 4 . It controlled me and I consciously had to break myself of that. Not easy to convince myself something bad wouldn't happen if I didn't repeat my action 4 times!

These are all things that happened in elementary school! I may never know why I was so strange. I always try to keep a close eye on my kids for any odd behaviors, like mine. So far, so good. They seem well adjusted and "normal" and for that I am grateful. I would never wish my bizarre isolating behaviors from my young years on anyone! Sometimes I really wish I could go back in time and tell my 8 year old self that it will be okay and give her a big hug.

I wish my brain had an ON/OFF switch

While I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep I was pestered by my brain thinking the nuttiest things. This is what was on my mind.

So what if you woke up one morning and you mind was free of prejudices of any kind. Knowing only what would be considered logically correct. Erase what society and culture has taught you. What would you think about things?
Would you know that killing another human was wrong or would it be something you would do only for self preservation? Maybe nudity isn't shameful we just think it is. Why do we think that? Who originally told us that?

I guess my strange thought occurred as a response to some ponderings about religion. Many times we believe what our parents have taught us. But if I erase that, I wonder which religion is the real one? Are any of them? Are they all kinda based off of one original religion? I know that most people would read this and say, " Christian is the only real one, you loser!" because most of the people I know belong to that one. But how do we know. We have no PROOF. Yes, there are religious texts written thousands of years ago. Throughout translations and rewriting, are the religious texts accurate? What is real?

I could probably ramble on and on about the vastness of the universe and the possibilities of other universes inside black holes and insignificance. But my brain may explode.

Not trying to get into any arguments here, I promise. Sometimes I just like to try to think outside the box.

Facebook Blows and I will tell you why..

Today is one of those days where I feel like I am the most miserable, unfortunate person that exists. It's difficult to realize that there are plenty of people in the world that have it worse. But depression is a selfish bastard. I can only concentrate on what I feel.

I read damn Facebook and in a Facebook rosy world people posts about the wonderful things that they are doing right now. The lovely vacations, the wonderful new car, the beautiful new house. Because that is what Facebook is, right? It's not there to post whiny, grumpy statuses. Nobody wants to know about things that are sad and horrible. And no one wants to admit to people they haven't seen since high school that their life isn't one unending string of successes. That maybe you took a wrong turn or two.
That being said, I don't honestly feel I have made too many wrong turns, but life has a way of not working in your favor sometimes. Job loss, resulting in foreclosure and poor credit, those type of things.
Sometimes you plan to do everything right and then a hurricane comes and tears down your town.

Yesterday I planned to go participate in the Coastal Clean-up with Sean's cub scouts group. I was actually looking forward to it. And then it rained. All day. Ruined everything. And I stayed at home just like I did every other day My good mom moment was ruined.

I feel like I must be living the most boring existence. Every day is just another day in my life.

Oh, the pros and cons of another day

I would love a fresh start somewhere new. I have been in the same town for all of my life and know lots and lots of people. There isn't anything super wrong with this town, but I would like to be in a place with a bit of culture.
Maybe some stuff for kids to do, low cost things like nice parks and playgrounds.
I would love some public transportation since David and I have one car.
 Oh and museums, I want some museums or indoor kids amusement places.
Definitely a couple nice state parks that I could kayak, clear blue water as well so I can see down into the water at all of the nature around me.
Cooler temperatures but no blizzards...

Anyway I just feel like I have so much I want to do in this life and I haven't been able to do even a portion of it! most of my obstacles are financial. I love to travel but haven't been able to go very far in a while.
 David and  have wanted to move away for many years but there are too many uncertainties involved. We don't have any close family anywhere but in this town. New Hampshire? I'd like California. Michigan? It might be scary to go so far.

But when life gets dull and boring, you know that you need to change something. I want us to move to a different place.
Lack of proper finances means we will probably never go anywhere. But I can still dream of the world that I haven't seen.

I want to go to work so I can get a break!

I probably would update this more if my toddler wasn't always either 1. trying to kill or maim himself or 2. trying to maim and/or kill me and my computer. Yeah he likes all of the attention. I truly feel bad for my other two because I can't spend any quality one on one time with them.
Right now Joshua is climbing all over the couch trying to get on my lap and steal the computer mouse and smash the keyboard and leap off the edge of the couch. Yes, all at the same time. This is a constant thing! My nerves are shot, every day.

I love this kid so much. He is cute and adorable and sweet and snuggly and I am his very favorite person on this planet. I feel like if I get angry and try to properly discipline him that the one person (me) that he lives for is being cruel and mean (in his eyes) and the hurt in his eyes is almost painful. yeah, I'm not a good disciplinarian. I wanted this child so much. If I dare complain to David I get a sarcastic, "Well, you are the one that wanted another kid." So instead I just keep my frustration to myself.
I get very little time to myself. I cannot crochet since Joshua unravels my yarn and tries to steal my crochet needles. I cannot read, kindle or books, since he tries to steal and destroy them. I cannot draw or paint for the same reasons. I cannot kayak since he is too young to go with me. It is difficult to visit other people since he is always into everything.

I actually enjoy going to work so I can actually DO something without being followed or someone hanging on to my leg or begging to be picked up. I love to clean at my jobs. It's satisfying to actually be able to peacefully clean an area and have it remain that way for more than a minute. It's nice to sit down and eat without someone climbing on my lap or trying to take my food.

My work hasn't been calling me enough. It works out I suppose since David seems irritated whenever I do have a shift. Mostly because when I have to work it means less sleep for him and having to deal with three kids by himself. It can be tough.
But no money means I can't go to the eye Dr. and no eye Dr. means that I can't see because my contacts are all gone and all I have is a pair of eyeglasses with very old prescription lenses, so my vision is quite impaired.

I should have titled this, "All the ways that my life sucks and how I am responsible for my own misery." Yeah, if I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel soon I may just lose my mind.

....It's a mid life crisis......

I'm thirty-effing-seven. I have many years to go, I hope. But recently I have begun pondering a lot of things about life. I have three wonderful kids and a extraordinary husband that loves me very much. I am a healthy happy person. I have everything I should need but I struggle financially. Much like many others, but since I am only me I cannot compare whose suffering is worse. I can never just go out and get the boys new clothes and school supplies. I have to hope that my work sends some shifts my way. I am at their mercy, and summer isn't the best time of year for a staffing agency.
I wish I could have a new car, I wish I could take my kids on vacation, or even day trips to a neighboring town, or a nice beach in another city. Sometimes I even wish I could buy myself some new clothes or some new shoes or scrubs for work.
I always want lots of things and envy everyone else that seems to have life so easy.

I would like success as well. I see many former coworkers excelling in their lives getting higher and higher degrees and promotions. I see their close knit work environments and their friendships. Friends I used to have when I worked there. But many times when you don't work at a place those friendships fade away and become Facebook acquaintance variety.

I love my job. I work at a staffing agency and go to new places and meet different people all the time and it is awesome. And something not everyone can do as well as I can. Not everyone can jump into a new job and new facility in a moments notice and be able to do it successfully and I am proud that I can.
But in doing that kind of work, I don't develop friendships and meaningful relationships with constant coworkers. I guess it's kind of like one night stands, they are pleasant and fun at the time, but generally unfulfilling. Sort of.

I get lonely not having friends. Honestly I never cared to go out with friends and do a lot of out-of-work socializing. But I had my peeps at my work that I could talk to every day. I miss them very much.

I also wonder if I had a proper , stable home environment in my very vulnerable teen years if I would have done better in school or at least attended 4 years of college, or at least 2, while under my parents roof. Which would have made me more successful today.
My teen years were awful. My parents were at the end of their marriage and their lives were a goddamned mess. Neither of them could really give two craps about us at the time. They decided to divorce on my friggin' high school graduation of all days, which, of course was a depressing , rainy day. Thankfully, I had some good friends to rely on for support. Well, I survived it all to be a bitter woman.

I just wish I could go back to 18, knowing what I know now, and maybe do some things differently. Of course, I would wish for the same husband and the same kids, but maybe a higher level in my career field.
Go back to school? I definitely want to. But my financial aid always comes through after classes begin. Finances were a big problem when I was a teen. I simply could not afford to take more than one class at a time. And financial aid is a clusterfuck. They don't make it easy.

Damn, I wish life came with an instruction book.

Depression- my lifetime struggle

I would give my R foot ( seriously) to not know depression so intimately. I have been struggling with it for my entire adult life, and I suspect part of my teen years. Sometimes I suspect I may be bipolar but I haven't ever been diagnosed.
Some days I feel so great the sun is shining beautifully and I want to clean and take walks and take the kids to festivals and enjoy the world, Oh, how the world has so much to live for!
But other times I hate to get out of bed and I play computer games to distract myself from the numbness in my head. Logically I know I have so much, but emotionally I feel like I am falling, falling and I am trying to grab something , anything and I can't. Everything is bleak and boring and no thing interests me. Soemtimes I tell myself that it's money issues or something that bring me down, but even when I have plenty of money I feel this way, so I know I am lying to myself to find a legitimate reason for my depression.
I don't cry. I just feel numb and blah. I understand why some people cut themselves or do crazy drugs. Sometimes you just want that numbness to go away. So you would rather feel high or drunk, or even feel some pain. Anything but the numbness that depression brings.
Working at detox centers through the staffing agency and taught me that most people with substance abuse issues have mental illnesses. Many are homeless. And, sadly enough, some are teenagers or barely out of their teens and have nowhere to go. So their life sucks AND they have no support or stability AND they are mentally ill AND they are an addict. It's a never ending cycle of detoxing these people and then eventually kicking them back out to live in shelters or whatnot. You can't make the mental illness go away, even if the addiction is gone. That's how they ended up with that problem in the first place.

I have excellent support in the form of my husband. When I am feeling weak or unable to function in this world, he pulls a lot of slack for me. He keeps me going, and keeps me from giving up when things seem too difficult. My children do too of course, but only by being them. I would do anything for my kids. But they aren't specifically aware of mental illness and my personal battles, so therefore they can't consciously support me.
I certainly hope that I don't pass it to them as it was passed to me. My mother has a history of depression, as does my father, who also had debilitating anxiety when I was a child.

I know I am lucky to have the life I have. I am lucky that I have a supportive family. I am lucky medications exist to reduce my highs and lows and make me more stable.

But sometimes depression makes it difficult to realize any of it.

I love my family more than my career, who knew?

So through my agency I make about $7 more per hour than at my fulltime job. So I can work 3 shifts a week and make the same as 5 at my full time job. Downside is that there aren't any benefits. Easy peasy solution: Sign up for insurance on the government website. No propb. Thanks Obama! Seriously, thanks Obama for allowing me the ability to have affordable health insurance for my kids and allowing me to work part time so I can spend more time with them. I guess I CAN have it all. Honestly, since I am not regularly working I qualify for Medicaid for us. Say what you will about me but I have paid into it for the last 22 years so now I can use it.  No guilt here.

Honestly I am loving being home more.  I am actually being a mom to my wee Joshua and I am spending more time with David , in turn helping our relationship. I actually sleep at night so I am not tired all the time and I am enjoying Seth and Sean also. Sean and I are growing a garden from seed and are really enjoying watching everything grow. We have veggies and lots of flowers.
 Now that I have time I want to start kayaking again.
And I know some neat places I want to take the boys this summer, the botanical gardens in Sarasota has a neat play place for kids now and also I'd like to get them to the beach as well. David and I have a festival concert we are going to later this month when his dad and stepmom are here. They already have agreed to watch the boys so we can go so e are excited for that.

I am feeling happier and more optimistic theses days. Maybe it's the sunshine that I have been missing for so long.
  The money issue is the main one that I have to worry about. But I don't want to worry right now..

Hmm, now what?

A few weeks ago I quit my job.
It was something that I had been contemplating for quite awhile now. I was very unhappy there and the turnover rate with staff was crazy. In 4 years there had been 3 administrators, 4 directors of nursing, and too many unit managers, and staff development nurses to even be able to count. Not to mention the ever changing roster of coworkers. Some would come to orient to the job and never come back. Never a good sign.
It's always frustrating when , just as you figure out what the boss expects of you , they quit , soon to be replaced with another with an entire new list of expectations. Friggin' ridiculous.

Anyway they called to inform me to come in IMMEDIATELY regarding an investigation. When I informed them I had no car and kids and blah blah, they spoke to me briefly regarding it on the phone. I decided I didn't want to be involved in the crap they were pinning on me, so it didn't take long to decide not to go back.

I do still have my job with the agency that I pick up shifts every now and then, and I am well aware that I need to get of my butt and get a new job but I sure am not in a hurry. I am sure the husband wishes I would be a little more motivated. But I honestly feel like I missed out on a good portion of the last year, the first year of Joshua's life. I worked 5 nights a week, sleeping much of the day, going about my business in an overtired, drowsy stupor.
I miss the day time and I miss my family and when you have a job that , pretty much, discourages any time off, you get a little burn out. I am not eager to jump right into full time work again. I am enjoying life for the time being.
But I suppose I can't live off my tax return forever. I am torn between life and living.

Happy first birthday Joshua!

I can't believe a year has gone by. A year of giggles, hugs, kisses, smiles, and more than a little stinky diapers. Joshua has two awesome big brothers and a family that spoils him. That's what he gets for being the baby. To think that his birth could have killed me between the high blood pressures ( preeclampsia) and low blood pressures ( severe hemorrhaging) and not to mention the 2 weeks the poor guy spent in the NICU since he was a 5 week early preemie that was born at less than 5 pounds. Now he is over 20 pounds and healthy as can be. :) Happy birthday, baby boy!

Immaturity

My favorite way to deal with unpleasant situations is avoidance. I don't deal with overwhelming stress in a mature or professional manner. Thankfully, due to avoidance , that doesn't happen often. Though, the other day it happened. I threatened to quit and, maybe to keep me on staff, my boss let me have my way. Unfortunately, by doing that, a good friend was punished for my misbehavior. Now my heart hurts because of what I did to a good friend. A friend so upset I thought he might even cry in anger and frustration because of the entire situation. I may have lost a friend because I can't control my anger at times. I am not happy with myself and am not sure how to fix the mess I made.