The Unraveling

Each day I lose a little more hope, I have a little less optimism. My brain won't stop and I have more and more trouble focusing or concentrating for any period of time.
My anxiety never seems to end.
Sometimes I just cry and cry about what might happen. "How will I live. How am I going to support my family. How will I survive. What am I going to do?"

Thank goodness for David, Seth, Sean, and Joshua for their existence.

Or I am sure I would not have much reason to wake up in the morning. I wonder what method of death would be quick and painless. I wonder how many other people are feeling this way, I wonder if my family would be better off without my nonsense.

 I find myself shaking from the anxiety and the madness in my brain. David begs me not to harm myself. But when  am truly upset, when I am at my lowest point, I always think of snuggling with Joshua.
I can;t actually do it.


I was sitting on the floor sobbing when Joshua toddled over and crouched down, He rubbed my head and said, "Okay?" then he put his finger to his lips and said "shhhhhh" I then received a big hug and a kiss.
How could I leave that kid?
But at the same time I wish he had a better mother, A more successful one, on that isnt a loser. I want the best for them, and it;s clearly not myself, I am so lost,

Each day i feel more like reality is not so real, not to me, Since Im broke, I intend to check out the behavioral center on monday and hopefully I will be able speak to a Dr, Maybe an inpatient trip might be needed if I start having a breakdown. We shall see, Swimming is becoming too difficult.