Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Let me tell you about torture.

My brain is always in overdrive..and not in a intelligent type of way. More in an anxiety inducing the thinking never stops way. I seriously have to be doing something at every moment of every day. I have to bring reading material to the bathroom for goodness sake. I check my phone at stop lights. I read or watch TV while I eat. Prior to having the ability to fast forward commercials and Netflix, I would read a book during commercials when watching TV. My mind only rests while I sleep.

So spending 8 hours waiting in a cold processing room and then in a colder holding cell on a freezing hard slab of cement alone with only my thoughts was a torture I cannot begin to describe. I spent my time crying or having anxiety attacks. When I was calm I tried to rest my head on my smelly shoes because that was better than the cement. I noticed the men in other cells took their shirts off to place under their head as a sort of pillow but I wasn't about to do that! Nobody would tell me anything and it was even worse not being able to notify my worried sick husband for six and a half hours. He seriously thought I had left him forever. I guess I had always assumed that you could make a phone call when you get to jail, not that you have to wait half a day to be allowed. Maybe that's part of the punishment.

I seriously was thinking that I would rather have my left hand amputated if I could just go home and snuggle with my boys. They were all I thought about and maybe the reason I didn't drive myself insane with my thoughts.

I am eternally thankful for my lovely husband and wonderful father for bailing me out and getting me home. Even if it was father's day. I suppose I am the worst daughter/ wife ever. I have a road of legal issues and other stuff to sort out. But I have been very surprised at the amount of support I have found from unexpected places. People who have been there before. I am learning that some people's "Facebook life" doesn't necessarily reveal the low and horrible points that we all seem to experience. Maybe not to my severity, but nevertheless, we all have our secrets and our demons.

My sister told me to "just keep swimming" and I also have had a good friend offer me that same advice in the past. It sounds good. I will try my best to do it. Just keep swimming.....

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