Uncertainty

Oddly enough, I find that I am not unhappy in general. I really like staying home hanging out with my kids and my husband. We laugh a lot. I even enjoy chasing Joshua and cleaning up his messes to some extent.
If we were independently wealthy I would be perfectly content.

But we are not. David and I have both been looking for jobs. Lots of applications. No phone calls.
Because of my arrest, my options are more limited. And outside of healthcare I don't have any experience or skills so I am not really good for anything. I mean,what restaurant or hotel, or whatever would hire a former nurse with no kitchen or retail experience?

Each night I lie in m cozy bed with my cool A/C and wonder how many days until the electricity is turned off. Or where we might go at the end of the month since we cannot pay the rent. I suppose my internet access might be turned off any day. I don't even know where we will store all our furniture and stuff. We've tried to sell items but nobody will buy them.
On Monday we are going to call Salvation Army to see about help with the electricity. It's so hot outside.

I try to downplay everything to the kids. They don't need to worry.

Two-and-a-half weeks until my court date and I am nervous already. David is afraid I will go to jail, but I try not to think too much about that. I don't want to spend my day having a panic attack.
I am still unsure about how I  get a public defender. Do I tell them at the court date? Do I call someone?
I find it interesting that throughout this arrest business, and court dates, and legal stuff, nobody gives me much information about anything. I am not told what to do or what to expect. Just where to go. And many of the people in the jail were mean about it. I have to say there was one guy who was nice and answered some questions for me.
I know that this is not a popular opinion but I think that people who have been arrested are still humans and have thoughts and feelings and unless they are being resistive and unreasonable they should still be treated civilly. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I find that when I see a police car on the road I feel so nervous. Even watching a show like "Cops"makes me feel so anxious. I always seem to have some level of fear when I drive anywhere. I like my home where I feel safe. Nothing can hurt me here.
Shoot, at this point I might not be able to hold a job. Being away from my home for several hours at a time might be too difficult. Once I was fearless, now I am fearful.

I can only try my best.