When it rains....well you know the rest.

Our van has been a big ol' money pit since we purchased it. For the amount of money we have put in that stinkin' thing, we could have gotten something that wasn't a piece of crap. Anyway, that is what you get when 1. you buy froma "buy here, pay here" place and 2. you have lousy credit and limited financing options.
We are actively looking for a new (used) vehicle and have a couple in mind but as far as I am concerned car salesmen are the dregs of society and are not to be trusted. they just seem so icky, Like after you shake their hand you want to wash your hand really well.
On the way home from checking one out our van went caput. We walked home the rest of the way. So it's still sitting on the side of the road at the intersection of Midway and Lakeview if you happen by that way.
I hate that thing. But we may have to fix it in order to trade it for something else. Sigh.

David and his job have parted ways. There were politics involved. Every place has those few employees that love to build themselves up and kiss the buttocks of their boss. Unfortunately if you don't get along well with the favored ones, it might not bode well for you.  Poop happens. It is what it is.
He already has another place in mind and will be looking around. this next week after we sort out the van issues. Kinda need a van to get to work.
But on the bright side, this will enable be to pick up some more days and shifts on my schedule.

I am not feeling down or discouraged but David is.

The motto of our marriage has always been " It's always an adventure " so that is what I think of every little bump in the road. Not an obstacle, but an adventure of sorts. Why not?

BP is up :( But I am a legal driver again! :)

I guess you take the good with the bad. I am okay with that as long as there is some good somewhere.
Oy, had to see the Dr. to refill my Cymbalta and I happened to develop an ear infection in the couple of days leading up to the appt. Got some antibiotics but also found out my blood pressure is high..again. I guess I can't call it a fluke anymore because it seems to be high every time someone checks it.
weird thing is that I would assume that an elevated blood pressure would start out as a normal one and then creep higher and higher until , BAM!, you've got hypertension. Mine was fine, fine, fine, preeclampsia,.aaaaand never really stabilized very well after that. It seems so strange to me. I notice that when I can feel my heart beating and get hot and flushed my blood pressure tends to be up.
I am trying to stay calmer. Even got a prescription for Xanax to help me out. David is going to get me a BP cuff from the store on the way home from work so I can check it at home.
I hate to be one off those people obsessed with checking my blood pressure but I have a feeling I might need to keep an eye on it. It was 150/105 before I left work today. :(

But on the positive side. David was able to clear up my court fees from the speeding ticket I got last June. My license may or may not have been suspended since October because I owed $400 bucks. And I may or may have not been driving around with my fingers crossed driving under the speed limit during that time...mostly only to and from work though.
But all is good now. I am legal and insured.

Now I just need to get rid of this stinking ear infection. How do I end up with ear infections at 37 years old? What is this craziness?

Can you have an emotionally abusive kid?

I used to get mad but now I mostly just cry.
Everyday I hear that he hates me and that I make him so angry. If I didn't make him so angry he wouldn't have to yell at me. If I don't respond it makes him more angry and he yells more. If I do respond, the same exact thing happens. He also yells at his brother and tells him he hates him also.
I hear a lot of " My life is so horrible, I hate my life. Everything bad always happens to me!"

Seth is more likely to let his behavior roll off his back. Seth sees how sad it makes me and gives me hugs,
 "You know that later he will say he's sorry and that he didn't mean it."

Seth and I joke that there is a "Nice Sean" and "Mean Sean". Nobody likes Mean Sean. Sean doesn't even like Mean Sean. He claims that he tries so hard to be Nice Sean. But of course, when Mean Sean comes out it is usually my fault. According to him.
Because I asked him to turn off the video game, or do his homework, or go brush his teeth, or go to bed, or get out of bed, or go to school, etc, etc.
Afterward he also gives me lots of hugs and tells me he is so sorry and that he doesn't mean it and that he will try harder next time to control Mean Sean. He becomes extra helpful and sweet and nice. Until the next time.

One night walking home from scouts I joked, with my dark humor, that I was going to make Sean Stew for dinner. We always joke like that. I think it's fairly obvious that I would never cook my child for dinner.
Sean became very angry and told me I was such a mean mom for "threatening" to kill my child and he was going to call the police and report me.

I thought that it might be a middle child syndrome or feeling somewhat neglected because of Joshua. One of the reasons we got him involved with Cub Scouts. I go to meetings and campouts, just him and me. I thought it might help but it hasn't.

Sometimes he just makes me sad and cry, other times I am scared at what his irrational anger might morph into. I am not sure what to do. Right now he only has Medicaid so psychiatrists aren't really an option. Besides he is nice to everyone else so they wouldn't see his anger anyway.
He saves his anger and hate for me only. I don't know why. But my heart can't take much more.

The art of self sabotage ( or self loathing at its finest)

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wanted to break the mirror because you hated what you were seeing?
Confidence is not something that has come to me easily. In any way. I have always felt that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough..for anything.
Anything good, at least.
I feel like I am only a mediocre person who barely deserves a mediocre life. I have been fortunate to have stumbled upon some pretty wonderful things in my life like my husband and children, that I clearly am not good enough for. At least that is what my mind believes.

Nobody ever outright told me I was ugly as far as my memory goes, but I see it and I know it. As much as my parents told me growing up and my husband tells me all the time that I am a beautiful person, I attribute their beliefs on the fact that they love me and love can do a couple things: 1. Love is blind, it can make the unattractive seem beautiful. 2. Love also makes you not want to hurt the feelings of the person you love. Therefore you aren't going to really tell the person you love that they are unfit to look at.

But not only have I never felt like I was anything worth looking at but I never felt I was truly deserving of anything good in life. Everyone else is smarter, prettier, better. And I could never be as good as them.
It's this self hatred that I am sure has held me back many times in my life.
It's this self hatred that kept me in emotionally abusive and unhealthy relationships in my young years. It also kept me in friendships with people that treated me horribly in my youth.
And people could tell me all day long that I am worthy of happiness and good things but, of course, I will never believe them because I think they are being kind and decent people instead of telling me the truth.
Funny how the mind works. Not funny ha-ha, more like funny bizarre.
Maybe one day I won't spend each day pretending I like myself for the outside world but knowing in my heart that I am undeserving of anything good in life.
Self sabotage.

Work updates and stuff..

I am very happy with my new job. They are properly staffed and organized for one thing , so that is a welcome change from the last place I was at!

As some of you already are aware, I interviewed for the medical records position on Wed. There is one more interview on Monday and then I will find out if I have the job. But as of now, I was told, I am favored for the position in part because of my bubbly, happy personality and that I am always smiling. Being in medical records means that I will have to build good relationships with the people I work with since I will have to "nag" them for missing items for charts being closed out and such. Apparently it works out better if you aren't a cranky grump. :)

I am excited about the opportunity but am happy with my job no matter what happens. I am perfectly happy being a floor nurse. It's what I know and what I enjoy. I am just happy making some $$ again.

I am looking forward to a good new year. 2015, you have got to be better than 2014!!

Cautiously Optimistic

During my orientation I was reviewing a patient chart with the clinical educator and I kept finding little errors, like papers filed in the wrong place. Quite a few actually. So I fixed the issues I found. Anyone would have, and it wasn't really a big deal but I am a bit obsessive about things having to be in the correct location and nice and tidy.
The educator asked if I had ever done medical records and I said that I am very familiar with chart checks and audits but since I love to organize everything I often wondered if I would do well in that position.
Fast forward to yesterday. She told me that she informed the Director of Nursing that I was meticulous with the charts and that I am quite smart and she thinks I would do well in the currently unoccupied medical records position. I told her I would definitely be interested!
The Director of Nursing talked to me about it today and said that she had a couple more interviews to do for that position and depending on how those go she might be getting back to me regarding filling it! Apparently they want a nurse in that position.
Mon through Fri and I would get to be the occasional manager on duty, because I would be considered a department head!!
Can you imagine me as Director of Medical Records? Wow, that sounds so administrative!
I guess I shouldn't get too excited about the possibility yet. But I am going to keep my fingers crossed. If anyone reads this cross your fingers for me also. :)

I can only hope I will be as lucky!

So my Mamaw lives in an Assisted Living Facility now. My dad says he visits frequently and takes her to a movie and out to eat once a week. Not to mention all that he's done for her prior to her move when he was over to check on her all the time.
I can only hope my boys will treat me as well in my later years.
I hope I can raise a man as successfully as my grandmother did.

Update:
I went to visit my Mamaw on Friday and check out her new place. She loves it and I love it. Unfortunately having a conversation with her now is similar to having a conversation with a stranger. She doesn't remember much , names, places, etc. So I had to chat like I was talking with someone I had just met. Sad. But she was very happy to see Joshua and we had a very nice visit. :)

Frustration.

So I got a job. One that I think I am going to like. Nice people, good atmosphere, decent pay. When I worked there before I was PRN( as needed) so the hourly rate was a little higher than regular rate since I didn't have benefits, etc. This time around they kept me at the same pay rate, so I was quite happy about that. I felt like I could have done little dance right there in the human resources office when I found out. Don't worry. I didn't.


But the staff that is supposed to orient me is in the process of orientation themselves so until they get their poop together I just have to hang around waiting for them to call me. Little annoyed by that. I really need to work.


But in the meantime I have a small 401K check that I am expecting in the mail to tide me over. Maybe I can actually get a Christmas gift or two for the boys.


So I wait, for my orientation, and my check. I hate waiting.

Don't you wish you knew the last time was the last time?

Picture it: Thanksgiving 2006, Big fat pregnant woman lies dozing on the couch in her scrubs after a days work, while the rest of the family eats. The food smells so good, but it feels better to put her feet up.


That was the last time my grandmother made Thanksgiving dinner. I loved her food. And she made the best mashed potatoes in the world. And I was too exhausted to enjoy the meal. I did work an 8 hour shift on Thanksgiving morning, so who would blame me? But I wish I could go back in time.


My grandmother hasn't gone anywhere. Only her mind has. She has recently moving from her home into an assisted living facility. She has been declining in recent years. The poor gal is 87 for Pete's sake.
But I still wish you knew the last time was the last time. Because you never know what the future might bring.

I love a rainy night...

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring! And the kids are all asleep, even Joshua my little night owl. And David is at work. I love the sound of quiet, only the sound of the rain. 'Tis quite delightful.
I frequently blog only when my brain is too full of nonsense that needs to be expelled. Right now I feel okay, quite content. Therefore I have no idea what to write, but I wanted to make one post  about feeling optimistic and good so that the world knows I don't wander around all gloomy and discouraged all the time. Sometimes I am actually happy, can you imagine?
I had a good evening with my boys, we watched TV snuggled together. What is better that snuggling with your favorite people on a stormy evening? I seriously couldn't pick my favorite kid. They are all so different but wonderful as well. Even when they refuse to eat the banana muffins I made for them. meh.

Cemetery

By now everyone knows I enjoy the peace at the cemetery, so I took Joshua a couple days ago and wandered around. He just likes to be out of the house, he doesn't care. And from what I know of elderly folks, they love babies and little kids, so I didn't think they'd mind a visit.
I like to think they appreciate my visits and my quiet singing to my son as we wander the grounds, I guess I like to think it would bring a smile to their face.

I think I might have a better relationship with the dead than the living....but moving on.

I saw many, many more names that I recognize. I told Joshua stories of them all, even the lady that chased me down the hallway when I was a CNA.
 I even saw the lady that was my very first patient at Southport Square when I was in CNA school, maybe 1997 or 1998. She was 96, and at the time was the oldest person I had ever met in real life.

Of course I visited my Papaw and introduced Joshua to him. My papaw died in 1985 from complications related to Alzheimers disease at..59. Yes, Very young. So he was suffering from dementia for my entire life, but even so I don't want him to think anyone has forgotten him, so I keep him up to date about stuff and life.

I don't know what it is about the cool fall weather that makes me ponder over the past. This happens every year.

Introspection and Mortality

Once upon a time I spent many a night at one of the 3 or 4 cemeteries in town. Then we would hit Denny's for some early AM hours food. Ah, those were the days.

Yes, night. My brother and myself would sit upon a bench in one of the local cemeteries and under the moon and the stars we would ponder our existence, or some such thing. We had some of the best conversations there.
As a child my mother took us to have a picnic at a cemetery in Fall River, Mass. It was quite huge, and old and impressive. We were visiting my grandfather, and Lizzie Borden..but that is a story for another day.
As a teen I toured the cemetery in Mooresville, NC with my grandmother, who actually happened to know every single person buried there and their stories. Fascinating.

But in my years as a long term care nurse I frequently meet people in the last years of their life, many times I am there with them in their last days. People I have taken care of and loved and befriended, gone. I always feel sad. Though they are in their 70s, 80s, and 90s they have had long successful lives but it's still sad.
Anyway, many, many of them are buried or interred at one particular location and when I go visit my grandfather I usually wander the rows reading the flat metal plates that have every name and birthdate on them. I always find more and more names I recognize and I always ask God to bless them. This agnostic is not above asking whatever higher being that is out there to take care of my patients that I have loved.
I have a box full of obituaries. Names of some of my favorite people I have known, sometimes I read them just to remember. It makes me sad and happy. Sad they are gone but happy I was lucky enough to know them.

I believe death is the beginning to something else. I am not sure what. But I want to believe that those wonderful people are somewhere in another plane happy and free from any suffering and pain.
And I hope I was able to make as much of a difference in their life as they did in mine.

"W"

So it's been a "W" kind of day, meaning there has been lots of ups and downs.
Sooo, Saturday I foolishly missed my appt. for my level 2 fingerprinting for job at facility #1 because I confused the time with my Thursday physical. Meh.

 I rescheduled it, no problem. Going tomorrow. ****high point

Today was my interview with facility #2. I did okay but was told there were a few other people interviewing as well. Chances for the job not so high.****low point

Decided to apply at facility #3- Two former coworkers are employed there and told me I could use them as a reference. One is going to tell the person doing the hiring that I will be coming in. Looks promising. I will go there on Thursday. ***high point

Had disagreement with the husband about stuff and things and jobs and jealousy and marriage and stuff from the past and blah, blah, blah....yawn***low point

Got lots of hugs and kisses from my kids***always a high point.

Bedtime-time to snuggle with Joshua, I guess a toddler should sleep in his own bed but he's so snuggly****high point

Sometimes I want to wake up and find that some things in my life are merely a bad dream, but there are wonderful things that I have as well. I guess we have to take the good with the bad, that's just life for you. Some days I really think that if it weren't for my boys , I might not still be here.
Sometimes I just long for peace and an end to my suffering.

For now, I will simply settle for some sleep.

Anxiety

Filled out paperwork for my new job today, and oddly enough I feel more anxious about it than I did when I went to the interview. I have to do fingerprinting and "fit for duty" physical next week. Once everything comes back alright, I can begin work. And I have another interview on Monday.

I know I have nothing to worry about but I am anyway. Feeling almost paranoid, "do I look okay? I think my shoes are too dirty, I should have pulled my hair into a ponytail, crap I forgot to take out my eyebrow piercing, I really need some new clothes, am I acting nervous, etc. etc. etc. " And when I am nervous I make the most painfully awkward small talk.

Perhaps just normal anxiety about beginning a new job. I just want them to like me. And make a proper first impression and be successful. I want to do well.

I Wish the Gears Would Stop Turning.

The ones in head that is..Today I am trying something new and I really hate it. I am attempting to adopt a healthier lifestyle and it takes some getting used to. For the first time in a while my mind is clear as a freshly cleaned window, but I kinda miss the smudges and grime I have become used to.

So now, I am thinking and thinking and it's constant. My thoughts are coming at me nonstop and I am no longer distracted from them. I lay in bed and my brain keeps thinking on and on and on. About what I did that day, what am I going to do the next day, what should I wear, what should my kids wear, what should I did, what have I done, conversations I have had, conversations I need to have, places to go and things to do.
I have been this way forever but sometimes I am able to muffle the thoughts a bit. If only so I can sleep. It's irritating. So much.
I don't like it.

ETA:On a somewhat related note I had forgotten how horrible liquor tastes. Ugh. Burns the stomach.

Good times...maybe things are looking up.

Just maybe.
Tonight I took the boys to a trunk or treat event at a local church and actually had a delightful time. And everything was free which was great since I'm broke.
Can you imagine I was on church property and I didn't even burst into flames? Maybe I am not really so bad after all.
And I have a promising job interview on Monday afternoon.
So I sit here alone in the dark next to a smelly candle watching "The Golden Girls"  and life is good. I keep wanting to go to bed like a sane person should. But this damn show is so funny I can't stop. I don't even care if you make fun of me. Just go ahead and do it already.
Halloween party with Cub Scouts tomorrow, Halloween the next day and Saturday another backyard campout with Sean. We enjoyed the last one so much we want to sleep outside again. Sick, I know.

Nighty night world.

I hate dementia so much

As a nurse with many , many years of experience in long term care I have taken care of a plethora of individuals with all types of dementia ( you know there are several, right? Alzheimer's Dementia is only one type) It isn't easy taking care of some dementia patients. It's a horrible and awful disease that steals precious memories and dignity from elderly people. You can't prevent it and there is no cure. In end stages they are like adult babies, having to be fed and wear diapers. They can't walk or talk. They become merely a shell of their former self.

Usually this is where I meet the patient, when they are in the end stages and require nursing care 24 hrs a day. Many times over the years I wonder why those patient's families don't visit very often. I would say to my coworkers, " How awful, her daughter lives in this town and she doesn't ever come see her mom. It's horrible." Or when they are dying, " What, I can't believe no family flew across the country to sit with their dying dad, how cruel"
Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make a person really understand.

I love my grandmother, I shall refer to her as " Mamaw" for the rest of this blog post. Mamaw was a very intelligent, strong woman in her day. She was loving, wise, fair, kind and wonderful. She made the best roast and mashed potatoes ever! And I would request it as my birthday meal every year.
When my family were going through rough times I knew I could rely on her to be a voice of logic and reason and I also could count on a hug when I needed it. I owe her so much.

When I was 21 and climbing out of the depths of a depression and leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, Mamaw was my rock. She let me live in her house for three years while I got it together and went to nursing school. And those were a wonderful few years. I was so busy with work, school, and social life that I didn't spend as much quality time with her as I could have but we did have some great times. She inspired me in many ways and I always longed to be like her. I love her so much it hurts. I miss her.

You see, about everything in that paragraph was written in past tense. But she is still alive. Lewy Body Dementia has robbed her of her. She isn't herself anymore. She looks like my Mamaw but she is frail, sad, and unsure. She is confused and illogical. The wisdom in her eyes is long gone. I feel like my 87 year old Mamaw is alive, but not living anymore, simply existing.
I used to take the boys to visit every other week but after her dementia set in, it became difficult. For me. It's so hard to see her like that.

It makes me sad and angry at God. She took care of my grandfather through his Alzheimer's battle many years ago, how could God do this to her? Why couldn't she be spared? Why her? I can't stand it.
So now I am the horrible family that visits infrequently because it's too difficult FOR ME. And I hate that I am so selfish. I have gone through the stages of grieving and haven't been able to get to the acceptance part yet, I'm stuck in the depression part. I am grieving the loss of my Mamaw, who is still on this planet, but it's not her anymore. I love her so much.

So now, instead of looking in from the outside. I am on the inside, experiencing the dementia with my Mamaw and the rest of my family. Now I see how a family can accept the loss of a loved one before they pass away. Because, by the time death arrives, the dementia patient is long gone from the shell that is their body. And the family has accepted that. It hurts when someone you love doesn't know who you are anymore. It hurts a lot.
Mamaw still knows me but I don't know for how long.

I hate dementia, I hate it so much.

Yay, America is #30!!

 In healthcare that is. True story.

http://www.cmglp.com

Remember all the American pride you were taught in school, told by your culture. We are big on patriotism and American pride here. People say "we are the land of the free, we are a democracy!!"

Which actually isn't true, we are a Republic, and we are not the only free country by far, actually there are countries free-er than us.
I wonder what they teach their population in other countries? "Yay Luxembourg! We are number 25, Woooooo!!!!"

The above link leads to an article explaining that the US is only # 1 in violence and exporting weapons, oh and income inequality...can't forget that. Maybe prison population as well.

We are way down the list as far as healthcare, life expectancy, education, environmental issues, childhood poverty, about everything not having to do with weapons and bombing other countries. Our military is larger than any other on Earth. For the money we spend on military we could probably educate and give healthcare to every person in this country. Instead of policing the world, maybe we should take care of our own issues for once. We certainly have plenty.

No wonder other countries hate us, we are violent.. People in some countries probably spend their entire life afraid of us, wondering if we are going to bomb their house any day. Maybe years and decades of wars have created these extremists that want to kill Americans. I suppose if for your entire life France was bombing your country , you might hate French people...
Maybe we are the terrorists to them?
Maybe we are the bad guys to the rest of the world.

I hear people saying that soldiers are fighting for our freedom. But really? How does a terrorist organization on the other side of the world affect our freedom? I saw a documentary about the Vietnam war and someone mentioned how the soldiers were fighting for our freedom. What? A civil war between the Vietnams affected our freedoms how?

It almost seems cult-like to require children to say the Pledge of allegiance. the monotone reciting while facing the US flag. It almost looks like something I would see required of Chinese citizens. Many other countries do not have a pledge of allegiance. They may have a national anthem to sin, but that is all. To some people from other countries, watching Americans say the pledge looks a little like mindless brainwashing.

Is it wrong to lack pride in one's country? I don't hate it. It's a beautiful country, lots of wonderful , intelligent people are here. I just think there is quite a bit of room for improvement. Stop trying to convince the people that we are the best, because there are other countries that are better, the people are happier and healthier and smarter. I think it could be us..if we knew how to manage our resources better and put our people's needs and wants over wars and violence.

Focus

Sometimes I over focus on things that I cannot control and then I end up all anxious and grumpy. I feel hopeless and my problems seem far bigger than I am.
Today I realize that every single one of my stresses is financially related. Aside from finances, I don't have it too bad. I have a lovely husband and three super duper awesome, healthy, smart kiddos. They say the best things in life are free and I do agree. Family and health are very important.
Though I certainly wouldn't mind some cash to clear up my other issues.

My kids rock. They have got it together far more than I did when I was their age.

I was, simply put, a weird kid that was painfully shy, I am thinking some severe social anxiety.  If I was school age now, I sure someone would have me sent to a psychologist. I should have. I was truly bizarre. In elementary school I refused to speak to people. If I saw a classmate at the grocery store and they said hello, I would not respond to avoid any social interaction.
I absolutely refused to answer the phone at my house, again the fear of the social interaction.
I would not even answer questions in class if the teacher called on me, I would just cry. I was mortified of speaking in front of the class. In 3rd grade I was made to read a book report in front of the class..I cried the entire way through. Teachers hated me.
Obviously I had few friends. Some days on the playground were lonely. I would sit alone while everyone else played. I loved to read. I read all the time, nonstop. I loved immersing myself in other happy worlds, it was probably one thing that brought me joy at certain times in my life.

As I may have mentioned before I had an obsession with numbers. Even numbers, especially 4. Sometimes I HAD to do things 4 times or I would become anxious. 4 4 4 4 . It controlled me and I consciously had to break myself of that. Not easy to convince myself something bad wouldn't happen if I didn't repeat my action 4 times!

These are all things that happened in elementary school! I may never know why I was so strange. I always try to keep a close eye on my kids for any odd behaviors, like mine. So far, so good. They seem well adjusted and "normal" and for that I am grateful. I would never wish my bizarre isolating behaviors from my young years on anyone! Sometimes I really wish I could go back in time and tell my 8 year old self that it will be okay and give her a big hug.

I wish my brain had an ON/OFF switch

While I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep I was pestered by my brain thinking the nuttiest things. This is what was on my mind.

So what if you woke up one morning and you mind was free of prejudices of any kind. Knowing only what would be considered logically correct. Erase what society and culture has taught you. What would you think about things?
Would you know that killing another human was wrong or would it be something you would do only for self preservation? Maybe nudity isn't shameful we just think it is. Why do we think that? Who originally told us that?

I guess my strange thought occurred as a response to some ponderings about religion. Many times we believe what our parents have taught us. But if I erase that, I wonder which religion is the real one? Are any of them? Are they all kinda based off of one original religion? I know that most people would read this and say, " Christian is the only real one, you loser!" because most of the people I know belong to that one. But how do we know. We have no PROOF. Yes, there are religious texts written thousands of years ago. Throughout translations and rewriting, are the religious texts accurate? What is real?

I could probably ramble on and on about the vastness of the universe and the possibilities of other universes inside black holes and insignificance. But my brain may explode.

Not trying to get into any arguments here, I promise. Sometimes I just like to try to think outside the box.

Facebook Blows and I will tell you why..

Today is one of those days where I feel like I am the most miserable, unfortunate person that exists. It's difficult to realize that there are plenty of people in the world that have it worse. But depression is a selfish bastard. I can only concentrate on what I feel.

I read damn Facebook and in a Facebook rosy world people posts about the wonderful things that they are doing right now. The lovely vacations, the wonderful new car, the beautiful new house. Because that is what Facebook is, right? It's not there to post whiny, grumpy statuses. Nobody wants to know about things that are sad and horrible. And no one wants to admit to people they haven't seen since high school that their life isn't one unending string of successes. That maybe you took a wrong turn or two.
That being said, I don't honestly feel I have made too many wrong turns, but life has a way of not working in your favor sometimes. Job loss, resulting in foreclosure and poor credit, those type of things.
Sometimes you plan to do everything right and then a hurricane comes and tears down your town.

Yesterday I planned to go participate in the Coastal Clean-up with Sean's cub scouts group. I was actually looking forward to it. And then it rained. All day. Ruined everything. And I stayed at home just like I did every other day My good mom moment was ruined.

I feel like I must be living the most boring existence. Every day is just another day in my life.

Oh, the pros and cons of another day

I would love a fresh start somewhere new. I have been in the same town for all of my life and know lots and lots of people. There isn't anything super wrong with this town, but I would like to be in a place with a bit of culture.
Maybe some stuff for kids to do, low cost things like nice parks and playgrounds.
I would love some public transportation since David and I have one car.
 Oh and museums, I want some museums or indoor kids amusement places.
Definitely a couple nice state parks that I could kayak, clear blue water as well so I can see down into the water at all of the nature around me.
Cooler temperatures but no blizzards...

Anyway I just feel like I have so much I want to do in this life and I haven't been able to do even a portion of it! most of my obstacles are financial. I love to travel but haven't been able to go very far in a while.
 David and  have wanted to move away for many years but there are too many uncertainties involved. We don't have any close family anywhere but in this town. New Hampshire? I'd like California. Michigan? It might be scary to go so far.

But when life gets dull and boring, you know that you need to change something. I want us to move to a different place.
Lack of proper finances means we will probably never go anywhere. But I can still dream of the world that I haven't seen.

I want to go to work so I can get a break!

I probably would update this more if my toddler wasn't always either 1. trying to kill or maim himself or 2. trying to maim and/or kill me and my computer. Yeah he likes all of the attention. I truly feel bad for my other two because I can't spend any quality one on one time with them.
Right now Joshua is climbing all over the couch trying to get on my lap and steal the computer mouse and smash the keyboard and leap off the edge of the couch. Yes, all at the same time. This is a constant thing! My nerves are shot, every day.

I love this kid so much. He is cute and adorable and sweet and snuggly and I am his very favorite person on this planet. I feel like if I get angry and try to properly discipline him that the one person (me) that he lives for is being cruel and mean (in his eyes) and the hurt in his eyes is almost painful. yeah, I'm not a good disciplinarian. I wanted this child so much. If I dare complain to David I get a sarcastic, "Well, you are the one that wanted another kid." So instead I just keep my frustration to myself.
I get very little time to myself. I cannot crochet since Joshua unravels my yarn and tries to steal my crochet needles. I cannot read, kindle or books, since he tries to steal and destroy them. I cannot draw or paint for the same reasons. I cannot kayak since he is too young to go with me. It is difficult to visit other people since he is always into everything.

I actually enjoy going to work so I can actually DO something without being followed or someone hanging on to my leg or begging to be picked up. I love to clean at my jobs. It's satisfying to actually be able to peacefully clean an area and have it remain that way for more than a minute. It's nice to sit down and eat without someone climbing on my lap or trying to take my food.

My work hasn't been calling me enough. It works out I suppose since David seems irritated whenever I do have a shift. Mostly because when I have to work it means less sleep for him and having to deal with three kids by himself. It can be tough.
But no money means I can't go to the eye Dr. and no eye Dr. means that I can't see because my contacts are all gone and all I have is a pair of eyeglasses with very old prescription lenses, so my vision is quite impaired.

I should have titled this, "All the ways that my life sucks and how I am responsible for my own misery." Yeah, if I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel soon I may just lose my mind.

....It's a mid life crisis......

I'm thirty-effing-seven. I have many years to go, I hope. But recently I have begun pondering a lot of things about life. I have three wonderful kids and a extraordinary husband that loves me very much. I am a healthy happy person. I have everything I should need but I struggle financially. Much like many others, but since I am only me I cannot compare whose suffering is worse. I can never just go out and get the boys new clothes and school supplies. I have to hope that my work sends some shifts my way. I am at their mercy, and summer isn't the best time of year for a staffing agency.
I wish I could have a new car, I wish I could take my kids on vacation, or even day trips to a neighboring town, or a nice beach in another city. Sometimes I even wish I could buy myself some new clothes or some new shoes or scrubs for work.
I always want lots of things and envy everyone else that seems to have life so easy.

I would like success as well. I see many former coworkers excelling in their lives getting higher and higher degrees and promotions. I see their close knit work environments and their friendships. Friends I used to have when I worked there. But many times when you don't work at a place those friendships fade away and become Facebook acquaintance variety.

I love my job. I work at a staffing agency and go to new places and meet different people all the time and it is awesome. And something not everyone can do as well as I can. Not everyone can jump into a new job and new facility in a moments notice and be able to do it successfully and I am proud that I can.
But in doing that kind of work, I don't develop friendships and meaningful relationships with constant coworkers. I guess it's kind of like one night stands, they are pleasant and fun at the time, but generally unfulfilling. Sort of.

I get lonely not having friends. Honestly I never cared to go out with friends and do a lot of out-of-work socializing. But I had my peeps at my work that I could talk to every day. I miss them very much.

I also wonder if I had a proper , stable home environment in my very vulnerable teen years if I would have done better in school or at least attended 4 years of college, or at least 2, while under my parents roof. Which would have made me more successful today.
My teen years were awful. My parents were at the end of their marriage and their lives were a goddamned mess. Neither of them could really give two craps about us at the time. They decided to divorce on my friggin' high school graduation of all days, which, of course was a depressing , rainy day. Thankfully, I had some good friends to rely on for support. Well, I survived it all to be a bitter woman.

I just wish I could go back to 18, knowing what I know now, and maybe do some things differently. Of course, I would wish for the same husband and the same kids, but maybe a higher level in my career field.
Go back to school? I definitely want to. But my financial aid always comes through after classes begin. Finances were a big problem when I was a teen. I simply could not afford to take more than one class at a time. And financial aid is a clusterfuck. They don't make it easy.

Damn, I wish life came with an instruction book.

Depression- my lifetime struggle

I would give my R foot ( seriously) to not know depression so intimately. I have been struggling with it for my entire adult life, and I suspect part of my teen years. Sometimes I suspect I may be bipolar but I haven't ever been diagnosed.
Some days I feel so great the sun is shining beautifully and I want to clean and take walks and take the kids to festivals and enjoy the world, Oh, how the world has so much to live for!
But other times I hate to get out of bed and I play computer games to distract myself from the numbness in my head. Logically I know I have so much, but emotionally I feel like I am falling, falling and I am trying to grab something , anything and I can't. Everything is bleak and boring and no thing interests me. Soemtimes I tell myself that it's money issues or something that bring me down, but even when I have plenty of money I feel this way, so I know I am lying to myself to find a legitimate reason for my depression.
I don't cry. I just feel numb and blah. I understand why some people cut themselves or do crazy drugs. Sometimes you just want that numbness to go away. So you would rather feel high or drunk, or even feel some pain. Anything but the numbness that depression brings.
Working at detox centers through the staffing agency and taught me that most people with substance abuse issues have mental illnesses. Many are homeless. And, sadly enough, some are teenagers or barely out of their teens and have nowhere to go. So their life sucks AND they have no support or stability AND they are mentally ill AND they are an addict. It's a never ending cycle of detoxing these people and then eventually kicking them back out to live in shelters or whatnot. You can't make the mental illness go away, even if the addiction is gone. That's how they ended up with that problem in the first place.

I have excellent support in the form of my husband. When I am feeling weak or unable to function in this world, he pulls a lot of slack for me. He keeps me going, and keeps me from giving up when things seem too difficult. My children do too of course, but only by being them. I would do anything for my kids. But they aren't specifically aware of mental illness and my personal battles, so therefore they can't consciously support me.
I certainly hope that I don't pass it to them as it was passed to me. My mother has a history of depression, as does my father, who also had debilitating anxiety when I was a child.

I know I am lucky to have the life I have. I am lucky that I have a supportive family. I am lucky medications exist to reduce my highs and lows and make me more stable.

But sometimes depression makes it difficult to realize any of it.

I love my family more than my career, who knew?

So through my agency I make about $7 more per hour than at my fulltime job. So I can work 3 shifts a week and make the same as 5 at my full time job. Downside is that there aren't any benefits. Easy peasy solution: Sign up for insurance on the government website. No propb. Thanks Obama! Seriously, thanks Obama for allowing me the ability to have affordable health insurance for my kids and allowing me to work part time so I can spend more time with them. I guess I CAN have it all. Honestly, since I am not regularly working I qualify for Medicaid for us. Say what you will about me but I have paid into it for the last 22 years so now I can use it.  No guilt here.

Honestly I am loving being home more.  I am actually being a mom to my wee Joshua and I am spending more time with David , in turn helping our relationship. I actually sleep at night so I am not tired all the time and I am enjoying Seth and Sean also. Sean and I are growing a garden from seed and are really enjoying watching everything grow. We have veggies and lots of flowers.
 Now that I have time I want to start kayaking again.
And I know some neat places I want to take the boys this summer, the botanical gardens in Sarasota has a neat play place for kids now and also I'd like to get them to the beach as well. David and I have a festival concert we are going to later this month when his dad and stepmom are here. They already have agreed to watch the boys so we can go so e are excited for that.

I am feeling happier and more optimistic theses days. Maybe it's the sunshine that I have been missing for so long.
  The money issue is the main one that I have to worry about. But I don't want to worry right now..

Hmm, now what?

A few weeks ago I quit my job.
It was something that I had been contemplating for quite awhile now. I was very unhappy there and the turnover rate with staff was crazy. In 4 years there had been 3 administrators, 4 directors of nursing, and too many unit managers, and staff development nurses to even be able to count. Not to mention the ever changing roster of coworkers. Some would come to orient to the job and never come back. Never a good sign.
It's always frustrating when , just as you figure out what the boss expects of you , they quit , soon to be replaced with another with an entire new list of expectations. Friggin' ridiculous.

Anyway they called to inform me to come in IMMEDIATELY regarding an investigation. When I informed them I had no car and kids and blah blah, they spoke to me briefly regarding it on the phone. I decided I didn't want to be involved in the crap they were pinning on me, so it didn't take long to decide not to go back.

I do still have my job with the agency that I pick up shifts every now and then, and I am well aware that I need to get of my butt and get a new job but I sure am not in a hurry. I am sure the husband wishes I would be a little more motivated. But I honestly feel like I missed out on a good portion of the last year, the first year of Joshua's life. I worked 5 nights a week, sleeping much of the day, going about my business in an overtired, drowsy stupor.
I miss the day time and I miss my family and when you have a job that , pretty much, discourages any time off, you get a little burn out. I am not eager to jump right into full time work again. I am enjoying life for the time being.
But I suppose I can't live off my tax return forever. I am torn between life and living.

Happy first birthday Joshua!

I can't believe a year has gone by. A year of giggles, hugs, kisses, smiles, and more than a little stinky diapers. Joshua has two awesome big brothers and a family that spoils him. That's what he gets for being the baby. To think that his birth could have killed me between the high blood pressures ( preeclampsia) and low blood pressures ( severe hemorrhaging) and not to mention the 2 weeks the poor guy spent in the NICU since he was a 5 week early preemie that was born at less than 5 pounds. Now he is over 20 pounds and healthy as can be. :) Happy birthday, baby boy!

Immaturity

My favorite way to deal with unpleasant situations is avoidance. I don't deal with overwhelming stress in a mature or professional manner. Thankfully, due to avoidance , that doesn't happen often. Though, the other day it happened. I threatened to quit and, maybe to keep me on staff, my boss let me have my way. Unfortunately, by doing that, a good friend was punished for my misbehavior. Now my heart hurts because of what I did to a good friend. A friend so upset I thought he might even cry in anger and frustration because of the entire situation. I may have lost a friend because I can't control my anger at times. I am not happy with myself and am not sure how to fix the mess I made.

Misophonia, a strange afflicton

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia

I only learned about this condition tonight. My husband reminded me tonight about my extreme aversion to lots of sounds. I only thought it was a couple but he reminded me that there are several.
* rubbing of anything on Styrofoam
* the clacking of fast typing on a keyboard ( I purposely type softly ad slowly because of this)
* the pouring of water ( like the pouring of a liquid from a pitcher into a glass, not faucets or waterfalls)
* and to a lesser extent crinkling of potato chip bags in a very quiet room.

These sounds make me angry and my skin crawls. I feel like I want to punch the walls and pull off my flesh. It's like a full body feeling of hatred.
Weird. I'm very weird.

platonicity

http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home   This is quite unique and interesting. I was discussing it the other day with a guy I work with.
I work nights, which means a lot of paperwork at the desk most nights. My closest coworker is a guy. We talk about the craziest stuff. Legalizing weed, regulated prostitution, sex stories and the aforementioned Wall of Vagina. Drunk stories and politics, all kinds of stuff.
If he was a girl, we would totally hang out.
But since he is not, we never would. I assure you there is nothing inappropriate going on here. Not in any way. But first of all, I would not think it would be acceptable to hang out with a heterosexual male friend. Second, it might just give the heterosexual male friend the wrong idea. I mean he is still a guy.
Just clearing that up for you all.

Sometimes life is a struggle.

There are days when I hate myself, everything about me. The way I look and everything I do. I look in the mirror and want to scratch my face off because I am so ugly. I am convinced that I am a loser and the worst parent in the world. On these days life is a challenge, I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I want to lay in bed and make it all go away. Usually these moments pass in a day. But in the meantime I am pretty darn useless.
Now, I have never been formally diagnosed as bipolar, but I think I might be. Prior to taking my Cymbalta, my mood were all over the place, up and down and all around. Happy and sad and everywhere in between. Now I am more on an even keel, though I still have ups and downs there aren't so common or drastic.

Thankfully, I am myself again today. At least if my moods run more manic I could get some stuff done around here!
I wish I was normal.

Tis the effin' season

Yet again, here we are, Christmas is upon us. I see s many commercials and ads for a plethora of items I know my family would love. But I never have any money to purchase them. It's been years since I went Christmas shopping. We end up splurging and getting the boys one nice gift and them get Toys for Tots for the rest. They are usually very nice gifts as well. That's life, I suppose. We do what we can.
But I always, always make sure we participate in the different Christmas activities around town. I drag them to the Christmas parade, the Festival of Lights at Fisherman's Village, we always go on the Christmas light cruise in Punta Gorda. And of course any school activities .I still would like to take them to the Lights in Bloom at the botanical gardens, which we may still do after the holiday.

So there you go, I drag them to Christmas festivities instead of buying lots of gifts. I like to think that quality time is more important than any gift anyway.
But it sure would be fun to do some shopping!

OCD the true story

Sometimes I hear people joke about having OCD related to some random stupid thing, "I always lock my car twice, I guess I am so OCD haha!" or " I always wipe my shoes on the mat when I enter a house, I'm so OCD!"

Hmm, not so much. If it was only so mild and pleasant and humorous. I wish.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by anxiety regarding tidiness and cleanliness. Nothing ,including my body, is clean enough. I am merely disgusted y myself and my surroundings. I feel like I could scratch my skin and pull at my hair to act out the hatred I possess for myself and my all around me. I don't want to be touched unless I know you just climbed out of a good bath.
Oddly enough, any baby aged child of mine is exempt. Can't explain that one.

I can't stand feeling this way. Often I wonder the bliss of being a slob with no order or organization to run my life.

When I go to work, no matter how busy it is, I have to clean and tidy up the nurses station. A place for everything and everything in it's place. I cannot concentrate in a cluttered mess.
 I have one patient that I am convinced must have been a former hoarder. I can picture her small dwelling full of cheap knick-knacks and garage sale junk. Probably cats and items from a flea market sale, piled up next to half-empty bowls of nastiness and cups of cold coffee. I can't stand her room, to enter it simply makes me cringe.
I miss having my own car since I always kept it clean. My lovely husband tends to leave trash in our van and shirts and sweaters and receipts on the passenger seat.
I love my kids but they always wipe their hands n their clothing of even the furniture. By now I wish I could get a new couch every month, nice and clean and unstained.

When I was a child I had an obsession with numbers. Everything had to be 4. Or multiples of 4, but preferably 4. Because it was even. If you put 4 on a see saw you would have 2 on each side and it would balance, you see. I had to turn light on and off 4 times. Among numerous other things. I thought I would have some kind of "bad luck" if I did not.

I started taking antidepressants when I was twenty for severe depression. I have battled it for most of my adult life. That and my anxiety. My horrible anxiety. I really wonder what it would be like to be normal but am aware that I may never know. I feel guilty sometimes for having children as I am afraid it may be a genetic condition. Both of my parents had experienced anxiety and depression at times in their life. As does my brother.
I can't believe my poor kids have me to be their mom. Fortunately the bad days are relatively rare.

I suppose I should just try my best and see where it gets me. Who knows?

#Separate Lives

What is with all the hash tags? I think it's a Twitter thing but I see a lot of them on Facebook as well. Little annoying in my opinion.

In any case, I feel like David and I are ships passing in the day. He watches Joshua while I sleep and wakes me when he goes to work. This weekend we have 2 whole days off together. I really love that man. And no matter what we may or may not be able to afford in life he helped me have the best gifts ever. Boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3. Otherwise known as Seth, Sean and Joshua.

I love my kiddos more than anything. I know people who more of less dislike or possibly hate their kids and I may never understand. Do my kids ever get on my nerves? Do I ever go to the bathroom to get some quiet? Of course. I'm only a human, after all. But hugs and smiles from my boys makes me always feel a bit better.

Recently I found out that a previous occupant of my house was a horrible man and his wife who hated his son so much they would lock him in his room and feed him one peanut butter sandwich a day- slid under the door. Of course, leaving the boy no choice but to urinate and defecate in his room. He had no rug in his room. Only a mattress on the floor. No toys. No books.
That room now houses my two boys. And haunts me.

It happened 3 years ago. That year I did an agency shift at the behavioral center and took care of that boy earlier in the year prior to all this stuff being found out. His family complained about his horrible behavior and his urinating and such all over his room. they conveniently left out the part where he was locked in said room leaving him no choice. So anyway, they brought him to the behavioral center, where it was common knowledge among the staff that his parents disliked him. Especially his stepmom. Turns out the boys was not incontinent ever while he was there, and well behaved, polite and sweet. He enjoyed playing ball in the hallway with another kid that was there at the same time. Adorable boy.
I wished I could adopt him, I seriously did! I thought he would be a great big brother to my boys. Anyway he ended up being sent back with his family which very nearly starved him to death 4 months later. It bothers me that the behavioral center had a chance to intervene and remove him from that home but did not.

In any case, I am haunted everyday as to what that poor boy went through in this house. All those days alone, hungry, sad, and scared. I wish I could have saved him.

But at least I can always make sure that my boys never, ever have to feel that way.

Sometimes I miss the day

I loved kayaking, I still do, and probably would more often if I had an easier way to transport my kayak. I have to shove it in the back of the van and bungee the hatch closed. Obviously I cannot drive very far. I have tried getting it on top of the van and failed miserably.
I could rent one at any number of places but money is never plentiful in my life. So driving very far isn't a great idea either. And I would have to have someone watch Joshua since I can't figure out how to kayak with a baby.

In all I miss exploring the local canals and wading on the beach and enjoying the lovely sounds of water nature. Unfortunately I have had some unexplained pain in my left wrist as well. Until I get that fixed I have to limit excessive use of it.

Lately I have been taking long morning walks with Joshua and, in addition to the exercise, I have been enjoying the nature in my neighborhood. Lots of trees and birds, so I am making an effort to get out.
Even so I miss getting out on the water. I hope to soon enough.

some thoughts...

As a bit of a rebel, I refuse to believe everything that I have been told. Maybe it's because for many years I was the gullible one people played tricks on since I was so trusting of others. But no more. I like to get the facts for myself. Anyway, I have grown up as a casually Christian girl. Never really attended church. But it's seems that the more I learn about Christianity, I realize that women are not very respected. I just cannot get on board with that type of thinking. Do I think Jesus respected women. I think so. He was kind and respectful to all, man or woman, rich or poor. I think God loves all. That being said, somehow many Christian churches have become very judgemental. Some people that should be the most representative of Christianity don't act like it so much. They like to talk about being blessed and quote scriptures and judge others by whether they are Christian. I'd rather base an opinion of a person by their actions. You can act Christian and not even be one. And many Christians don't act like it at all.
Kindness and love can be felt by anyone in any religion.

I would like to know a religion or church that respects and values women and men equally as humans. I could totally get on board with that. But no church that considers me a second class citizen is one I want to be part of.

Crazy Political Weirdos

One day I worked an agency shift for a Hospice case. I was scheduled alongside a crazy-as-a-loon nurse that babbled about politics all day. Now I did not pay too much attention to political issues. It's my opinion that politicians are some of the most crooked people on Earth, next to used car salesmen. Pretty sad that they are making the laws. But what can I do? nothing which is why I don't pay too much attention. It only angers me. Anyway Crazy Nurse carried on all shift about how I should pay attention to politics or I will be sorry. I should hoard my guns and ammo for when Obama makes us all become Muslim and have to wear Burkas or some crap. And ,of course, she gets all the most current news from Facebook before the news even gets the story, (seriously, Crazy Nurse?)
She even told a lady visiting the dying guy ( why was she discussing politics with a lady grieving for a dying friend?) that people who don't make themselves aware of politics ( me, sitting right there) are going to be sorry! I was happy to get away from Crazy Nurse at the end of the shift.

Now, my sister and mom are intensely political and very enthusiastic in their opinions. Again they believe that it is SO important to be informed. So I made myself get informed. And guess what, hmm, I find that my political opinions put me on the exact opposite side of the political spectrum from my sister and mom. So they still are irritated. Sigh, Make yourself informed but only if you agree with me?

My beliefs put me in the less popular progressive, liberal category. I believe in rights to make choices, taking care of our own and acceptance. I am actually interested in political issues going on these days. but I rarely discuss them since it seems most people are more conservative. I don't want to argue politics , actually I dislike arguing at all.

I am not sure , honestly, why there are so many judgmental people around, doesn't it feel better to be kind to others?

Living the Night shift

I love working nights. I have some awesome coworkers, besides I can avoid all the many bosses and craziness that occur in the day. Downside, I am always tired. I fell like I could sleep for 24 hours straight. Unfortunately, I am always awakened several times while I attempt to sleep in the day. I guess it's quite obvious what is on my mind right now. Sigh..

Hello Beautiful People, and the Crazy Story of Preeclampsia

I'm fairly certain that nobody reads this, I am also fairly certain that someone has spilled something on my keyboard at sometime and I have some annoying sticky keys. Moving on..

At some point David and I had decided on having on last kid. We hoped to have a daughter, at least David did. It took 8 very long months of counting cycle days and ovulation tests and planned days of lovin' for the only purpose of conception. I was reading to give up and call it a frickin' day when I finally became pregnant in June 2012. Apparently since I was 35 I had to see a specialist, which was nice because I received lots of ultrasounds. Which also informed us that we were having another ,yay!, boy. David was rather sad and for the remainder of the pregnancy was quite sadly disconnected from it. Little depressing. The pregnancy was hard on me and I slept ALOT. By late January I was told that my blood pressure was quite elevated, and didn't go down with regular interventions. Lab tests showed preeclampsia. I was ordered on bed rest to keep my blood pressure down. Seriously, nothing makes me want to do stuff than being told to do nothing. Boring!!!! And sad. I had to have regular non stress tests where they listen to baby heart beat over a determined period. Thankfully all was wonderful with baby. I was the one at risk. They hoped to keep me on bed rest until my early March due date. Unfortunately I began having severe headaches at night from blood pressure spikes. After a few days of intolerable pain I was admitted to the hospital for them to try to get the blood pressures down and ease my headaches somehow. No such luck. I was induced on February 12, 2013, 5 weeks early. The epidural eased my pain and headache like a wonderful godsend. Though they had to give me something to bring my blood pressure up since the epidural made it drop too low, go figure. I didn't ever realize that baby Joshua was crowning.

He was born in the late morning, just a wee thing under 5 pounds. I got to kiss him quickly prior to being whisked away to the NICU. Because at that time I was apparently bleeding out all my blood. My BP got as low as 70/40 and I wondered if I might die. I remember being so sleepy, sleepier than I ever had been. It took all I had to force myself to stay awake. David was next to me looking a bit scared, I learned later that he called my sister crying that he thought he was going to lose me. Anyway, for what seemed like a very long time there were lots of nurses and the Dr. in the room doing a lot of massaging of my abdomen to help stop bleeding. The Dr. even placed her entire hand into my uterus to ensure there were no more placenta parts in there .
Fortunately I did not end up requiring a blood transfusion but was quite weak and tired for a few days afterward. I didn't get to see Joshua again until the next day. He looked so tiny and helpless hooked up to so many tubes and monitors, I cried feeling like it was all my fault. While all the other post partum moms had their crying infants with them I was all alone. I felt like I had been through the wringer and had nothing to show for it. The Dr. let me go home after a few days so I could be with my family and not sad at the hospital.
Joshua remained there for 2 weeks, he was a sleepy boy and didn't want to stay awake to eat so they had to place a tube in his nose down to his stomach so they could get the food in him. It was a depressing couple weeks. Then, of course, one day before he was due to be discharged I ended up in the emergency dept. with severe vertigo/ nausea and vomiting. Sometimes, you just get kicked when your down, you know? They fixed me up and Joshua as well and he was able to come home in late February. Home to his family where he belongs. :)

Meet joshua

Hello Joshua Henry Dreyer!
A lot changes in an entire year! New kid, new house..all new. Shoot it's hard to type and feed a baby a bottle at the same time!

Well, I guess cars only last so long..

This is the new Dreyer-mobile. Not brand new. It is 10 years old.. and it needs some new brakes..and the driver's side and passenger side windows don't go down. But for the most part it's super nice. Apparently some disgusting slobs had it last so we had to do some cleaning but it's spotless now.  It's nice and roomy and thwe boys love it.

Unfortunately the other car had some head gasket issues thatwas going to be expensive to repair..so we figured it wasn't even worth it. So we traded it and gave them $700 (borrowed from David's mom) to put down payment on this van.

I like it.

Happy new year!

I guess after living 34 years another year is just that..another year. No big. I don't have any resolutions. I don't plan on making any life changes. I guess I could lose a couple pounds, but that could happen in March or August. Whatever.
Working nights have me tired and my body confused. I slept all day but I am still tired. And my growing butt is completely due to working nights. I spend my nights doing more paperwork and charting than actual patient care. therefore I am exerting less energy and burning less calories. Not good. I want to push away from the table before it gets out of control and I become a big blob rolling and slithering through the hallways. Not to mention, it occurred to me I would have to buy new clothing and I just don't have the funds to purchase a new wardrobe at this point.

I went to my Dr. and told him my Cymbalta was working out for me. Since I don't yet have insurance he gave me 2 months of samples. How cool!. I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy. Some people, even Drs. have a a good decent heart and empathize with their patients. I know most Drs. are supposed to but it is not always the case.

Wow, I am so tired.

Wow, 2012 already!!

Yep, been busy over the holidays. But it's been fun. And happy. Did I mention busy? Yes, I am back to working full time now, three 12 hour shifts per week. Nights. But oh, well.

David was laid off from his seasonal job at Target. They simply did not need him anymore. That was sad. It upset him alot. He really did like it there.

I changed my antidepressant medication. I switched from Zoloft to Cymbalta. I really wanted to get away from some of the unpleasant side effects of the Zoloft. So far the Cymbalta is great. I didn't even notice a switch. I stopped the Zoloft one day and started the Cymbalta the next. I took a lower dose for the first week and then upped to 60mg. and it seems to be working great. I feel good. Yay for Cymbalta!! It actually is supposed to help with chronic pain and fibromyalgia as well. Neither have I been diagnosed with but I have occasional low back pain and arthritic fingers and R knee. So I hope it helps.

New start for 2012 and I am optimistic. I think David and I will have some major changes in the new year but more on that in the future...

Korn, Korn, Korn!!!!!!

Unfortunately Halloween excitement took a backseat to the upcoming Korn concert. For myself, at least. Last night David and I were watching a Korn live concert on HD TV when David mentioned how long it has been since he went to a good concert. I was wondering simply when the concert was filmed. So I looked it up on Facebook , or was it Wikipedia, anyway I discovered they have their 10th album coming out in December and they are currently on tour. David noticed that they were going to be in Tampa in less than 2 weeks and then we got excited and bought tickets. Yeah, just like that.

Last time I saw them it was 1996 at Lollapalooza in West Palm Beach. I did not know much of them, I was looking more forward to seeing Tool, actually. I was with my lame-ass jerk ex-boyfriend. I sat next to this cute guy who I actually talked to more than my boyfriend. This guy had a Korn shirt so naturally I always rememeber him as the "Korn guy". We talked about music and he seemed really nice. If he would have said, "Hey, redhaired rock girl, come live with me and I can get you a job." I would have said, "Sweet!"  and would have left my boyfriend, whom I did not like much. I could have moved away with Korn guy and lived happily ever after and listen to Korn all the time. Oh, the memories.

Happy Halloween!

I decided to be a flapper this year.

 David, Sean and I

 Zombie Seth, it's fake blood.

Striking a pose for the camera.

To test or not to test..

We received a letter from Seth's school that his teacher would like him tested for potentially gifted classes or some program. Considering this is the same kid that was suspended every other week in kindergarten because of behavior issues, I am hesitant to do anything that would change his routine or his teacher.
I agreed to the testing but am not sure what will come out of it. I keep thinking this is what taechers do if they want a kid out of their class, since I know he can be trying at times. I guess we will see.

this is what I have been doing...

kayaking...

 beaching....

 crocheting...

 bicycling...

 hanging with squidward...

more crocheting...



when I am not working, of course!!

Hey, remember me!?

I had forgotten about this here blog. Wow, things sure have changed since the last time I posted anything.

And I discovered that they was a section that I could refer to to check for any comments. I was quite surprised that anyone ever commented at all on anything.

David and I are still happy and not divorced as we were contemplating at one time. We still have two lovely boys. Seth just turned 7 and Seanie is 4.

I am working on an as needed basis at a long term care facility called Signature Health Care and also at a staffing agency. Which I absolutely love!

Though I am not employed full time anywhere, I certainly receive full time hours..or at least full time pay. You see, working on a PRN basis I receive higher hourly pay that a regular worker..so I can work a few hours less and receive same pay. Downside is..no health benefits. So I get more of my pay since it is not paying for insurance but I end up having to have my family and kids on Medicaid health benefits.

No I am not proud. But don't have much choice right now. I certainly cannot afford any private health plan! But I try to rationalize it. I think about when Sean was a lilttle baby and I was scraping by to pay for his formula and diapers and David was out of work. How I made a tiny bit too much money for WIC and how I wanted to cry because we were so poor and I needed the assistance so much.

Anyway, things are better now. Wow, things have changed so much in the last year-and-a-half since I posted anything on this blog.

To make a long story short.

I was offered the job at the Dr. office but they wanted to pay me close to nothing so i turned it down. A girls gotta live, ya' know.
I had interviews at two different facilities today and both went well but thyey did not have 7-3 full time positions available. I got a job at one of the places doing part time /PRN so that is a start. Both places were very interested in hiring me -if they had a position available.

I am feeling conflicted...

I went to the interviews yesterday. First with the office manager and then with the Dr. Both went well.

This morning I recieved a call from the staffing agency offering me the position. They wanted me to start Monday. Yippee! I thought. But then I was told what they wanted to pay me..and my heart sank. I even told the lady. I haven't been paid that since my first nursing job 10 years ago!
I was a $6.50 hr. pay cut from my previous job! What! Now I fully expected to make less than I was at Harbour Health but, I mean, I do have to survive and feed my family. And pay for day care.

So i called the nursing staffing agency, they want me to come in on Tuesday for my second interview. ( The lady told me at the first one that if I was asked to come for a second one, I pretty much got the job)

So I declined the offer at the Dr. office for the agency job. I think that some people think I am foolish for doing that but I just hate to take so many steps back ward like that. I truly feel I am worth more than what they offered. I have experience and many skills to offer.

I think in the long run, I am going to be happy with my decision. My heart just wasn't into the Dr. office thing. I need to work in long term care.

I sure hope something good comes out of this.

I have an interview with the Recovery Center tomorrow at 0930. They really are interested in someone that can work on short notice -which I cannot. It's dealing with mental health and detox patients which is way out of my experience. Not that i wouldn't be intersted in learning- but i am used to dementia crazy- not "crazy" crazy. And no I am not being derogatory because I have diagnoses that make me technically " crazy" as well. But can I deal with a bunch of "me's"?
Probably not.
In any case, I may not go to the interview.

This morning I received a call regarding an app i had filled out weeks ago for a position at a Dr. office. She asked if i was still interested (yes!) and could I come for an interview.(Yes!) 15 minutes later one of the long term care facilities called to set up an interview for Monday (yes!)
Later that morning I got a call from a very pleasant sounding woman regarding a position at a home health agency in Bradenton. She sounded more than eager to employ me- but I simply cannot drive almost 100 miles for a job- unless it pays wicked well. So i had to say no. She sounded disappointed. Maybe that was my imagination..

I filled ot the application for a home health agency more local, but I am guessing it ended up in their data base and was pulled up in Bradenton. Who knows?

At the interview I had to fill out some paperwork ( I am so sick of writing out my personal info and work history, aren't resumes supposed to elimate all tht writing?) and then sit down with the lady at the employment place. She seemed to like me and she was confident that I would do well at the proposed position at a local dr. office. She also reassured me that my background check was clear, ( I knew that) and I voiced my concerns that my prior job might say something unfavorable. She was supportive and stated that if they did say I was a poor emlpoyee she could ask them why ,then, did they keep me as an employee for the better part of nine years?

I think I like that lady.

Tomorrow I am going to interview with the office manager of the Dr. office.

Then I got a call from another place I applied, they want to come in and fill out, wait for it, paperwork! That job is at a correctional institution. I could do it, but the hours would be difficult with my kids- plus it's in another town. I am pondering what to do about this situation. I am going to cancel the recovery center interview in the morning, going instead to the Dr. office one.

Oh dear. my head is spinning...

It's always good news that is barely out of my reach

I have been to quite a few facilities where I had to fill out an application and then sit down for an informal interview with the staff development person. Each time I think I do well. Even though I still find it a little strange to "sell" myself to a potential employer. I always am slightly uncomfortable "tooting my own horn" so to speak.
But they always seem to like me and why not. I am likable, I think. And I am certainly genuine. Of all my character flaws, I have one shining asset. I cannot lie for crap. I am as honest as they get. And that, I hope people see, is a good thing.

I applied at a different place yesterday, my friend's neice gave me the heads up on the position, so I called and spoke to the DON and filled out an app. Now i just wait...

Today I called the places that I applied last week. One will return my call and the other is trying to find a place in the schedule that I would fit in. Sounds promising-if only there was a place for me.. She said she will get back to me.

I wish i had more flexibility with my schedule because there are a couple places that i could probably get a position right now for 3-11. But what would I do with my boys? Even if I could bring them home prior to my shift. I don't have anyone to stay with them for the evening. Man, I wish I could find evening child care..

So again, I wait...

I have stuff to do, ya' know!

Hubby took the car to run some random errands. And i only have 15 minutes left on my phone with no $$ in sight. Soo I want to go to my mom's to use her phone to place a couple phone calls. Possibly before I pick up Seth at 12. I have a feeling it's not going to happen. Little frustrated right now. Why does the world seem to be working against me!?

A little good news on the horizon.

My friend Marva called today and told me that, per her neice, there is a 7-3 position open at a local long term care facility. Her neice happens to be a unit manager there. She gave me the name of who to ask for and I think she is going to give my name to whomever does the hiring so they can retrieve my resume. I applied there a few weeks ago, so all my info should be in someones e-mail!
I will be calling in the morning, so hopefully it works out. I try not to get my hopes up too high.
I will keep my fingers crossed...

Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown.

I believe I have addressed my issue with envy in the past but it seems to be something that I just can't shake.
Only now I envy basic life essentials that I see that other people have.. and I do not. I can't stand even watching" How it's Made" on the Science channel because I feel jealous that the people in the show making things have jobs. I envy people in line at McDonald's because, obviously, they must have cash from somewhere to buy their cheeseburger and Diet Coke.
Celebrities make me ill. I read that Tom Cruise is getting 20 million to star in the next "Mission Impossible" movie. Disgusting. I understand that he has an acting talent and that is what he gets paid for, but 20 mil? That's ridiculous. I don't think the rich and famous are "better" people in the world just because of the $$$ they have. But I do think it must make life much easier. that being said, why do so many end up in rehab?

A few years back I lived a life of plenty of excess. If I wanted something-I bought it. No need to save or scrimp. We took weekend vacations regularly, and nice out-of-state vacations yearly. We stayed in the nicest hotels and rented nice cars when we got to where we were going. We ate out much of the time and frequented the pub nightly. And boy do I miss the biweekly massages.

I always felt like people like myself, unemployed, and living off taxpayers, to be a burden on society. A waste of space that serves no productive purpose in the world.
Maybe , thats why I am where I am. God's teaching me a lesson about understanding the less fortunate. A bit of Karma, I suppose.

Welcome to the unemployment line.

I haven't been fired from a job since I was 15! And I haven't been without a job in as long as well. So what was I to do? Now I have two little boys and an unemployed spouse to support. My ex-coworkers were shocked at my termination. My friend Marva was simply pissed off. We had such a good time at work. We laughed alot. I liked my residents and they liked me. I knew their lives, their histories, their families. I knew their extensive medical histories since I had been taking care of many of them for years. I had taken care of resident's spouses, sisters, brothers, and even a mother and daughter. I had sat with dying residents that were all alone and remained with them until the end.
Maybe I was too comfortable in my position thinking that they wouldn't get rid of me. I honestly felt that regardless of my weaknesses, I was more of an asset to them than a liability. After all, I never, ever hurt or put any of my patients in harms way. Even with the issues that I were fired for. I never came close to hurting anyone. A CNA once told me that it's more important to work with your heart than your head. And maybe I wasn't using my head enough.

Immediately I filed for unemployment benefits. I thought for sure I would get them. I mean, I never stole anything or abused anybody. But I didn't.
The corporation stated that I failed or refused to perform job duties as per my job description- or something similar. And then slapped the term " misconduct" on me so they wouldn't have to pay.

I applied for every benefit that I could possibly receive, and of course, now I qualify for them. In as many years I have attempted to get any assistance possible only to be repeatedly told I make too much.

Now I can get my kids on Medicaid. I get WIC checks and yes, now I get food stamps and am applying for cash assistance- which I believe used to be Welfare. I even had to go to the Salvation army to pay my electric bill. Yes, I have now hit the bottom and become the kind of person I never, ever wanted to be. I am truly disgusted by myself.

But in the last few weeks I have applied for countless nursing jobs and am still waiting, waiting for responses. They each say they will get back to me in a week or two so here I wait. Two places told me to call them if they didn't call me this week, so that's two call s to make on monday and if those two places don't want me, I don't know. My optimism is fading. I know they look at my application and see " terminated" and that bothers them . Plus, I wonder what my prior employer is really saying about me. I am scared that i won't find work because of the firing. It's happened and I can't go back to change it. What now.

I guess I just keep waiting.

Good God it's been awhile!

I can't even attempt to reveiew everything taht has occurred over the last several months but I assure you that it has been more downs than ups, unfortunately. Late August, little Sean ended up in the hospital for a few days with H1N1. I honestly did not know he was as sick as he turned out to be. He was wheezy and feverish-not to mention lethargic. When i brought him to the Dr. , we did not even have to wait, we were brought right in and the nurse interrupted the Dr. with another patient to tend to him. Albuterol nebs didn't help, the epinephrine neb did but he only got that when Dr. decided to have him admitted. Blech, hospitals suck. It was a sad and lonely experience, poor Sean slept much of the time.
He did get his ear tubes placed in September and so far all has been good. A couple outer ear infections but nothing too crazy. He's talking better and feeling better. October, November, and December were a blur of never-ending stress. David's unemployment ran out just in time for the holidays. Wouldn't you figure?!
We also decided to divorce in December, David thanked me for ruining his holiday. Of course, divorce costs $$$. $$ that we don't have so it will happen eventually, maybe years from now.
I was counseled at work in early January regarding an issue that occurred in December with a patients skin issue that I forgot to document on. That was a big deal, but I guess I didn't realize how big. honestly, I have been distracted with all that is going on in my world. I opted to take a week off to get away from work and relax a bit.

Fast forward a couple weeks and suddenly I found myself fired from my job of the last nine years. they gave two tiny minor issues ( I wouldn't even consider them write- up worthy personally) and a couple bigger issues. One of which I honestly did not know I was doing wrong and one I neglected to follow through with an issue. The state surveyors were in the building and witnessed one of the issues so I am guessing that eliminating me was, perhaps, their "plan of correction". I was taken aside by my supervisors and told to go home, that I was suspended until they contacted me in a week. Scary, but still I had a job. I figured I would have a week off to destress.
Later, I received a call from my supervisor that she wanted to set up a meeting with me for the next morning. I asked if I was to be fired to do it on the phone. And she did.

Pain stinks

It's the main thing on my mind today so it's hard to think of much else. I think I have a little Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome going on going back several months but it onle seems to "flare up" every now and then. Then I experience horrible pain in my right wrist with a little tingling in my fingers and the occasional pain shooting up toward my elbow. usually I put on a wrist brace for a couple days and it eases up with rest but this time it freaking hurts! I tried the wrist brace, a compression wrap, oral pain medications (which actually did help me make through my work day) , ice, and now David has gotten me a Therma Care hand and wrist wrap which actually feels very soothing. Even though it's made for arthritic problems. Pain stinks.

Things have been looking up lately. David now is able to receive unemployment benefits and I was able to cash out my 401K so we got ourselves caught up. David has been working pretty steadily for the last couple weeks and i was even able to pick up an over time day a couple weeks ago.

David's biological son from his first marriage is here visiting for a week so we have been busy. Tonight my whole family had a get together because he was visiting so everyone could meet him and we all had a good time. My family loves any excuse to get together and eat- and drink. And we always have a good time. I really love them.

Sometimes bandages do help a little...

I got paid one week ago, and unfortunately, I discovered that I did not have enough paid time off hours to cover my vacation I had taken in early July-therefore, my paycheck was short. david had been ot of work for a couple weeks so we were relying on every cent that my paycheck wad to bring us. I flipped out when David told me he had gone to the grocery store only to discover that he had "insufficient funds" after paying only the day care bill. We were in the negative prior to the paycheck being deposited, so my check was gone.
I was sitting at work with my stomach growling as I was thinking about what wonderful meal I was going to have that night when David called me to tell me that we could not get groceries. I seriously had not had a proper meal in days waiting to get groceries. :( Anyway, people at work felt horribly for me and they emptied their wallets to help me out. Another lady, brought me a bunch of groceries and then a couple days later more goceries were purchased for me by various co workers. I assure I was flooored at the outpouring of support I experienced from people I work with, none of which are wealthy folks. Just regular people that have big hearts. I was told that I was well loved and that many people wanted to help me out. And with no expectation of being repaid! I was emotionally exhausted by the end of the week. but I assure you that no one in my house was hungry, thanks to good people.
My water was turned off, still is actually but ,um, "someone " turned it back on until we can pay the bill on Monday. I feel like such a rebel with my illegal water. My TV, phone and internet was turned off as well. We were able to pay that today and get it turned back on.
Coincidentally, I received a notice in the mail that I needed to decide what to do with my 401K now that my work has changed management companies. I opted to cash out my $3,000. I figured it wouldn't get me far in retirement anyway and I really needed it . I got the check today!!! Already. So we were able to pay some bills and straighten out the balance in the bank account. Already, I feel like some weight is off of my shoulders. I understand the $$ is merely a bandage for other financial issues we are having but it's nice to get caught up for the moment. David is working and I was able to do a double shift yaeterday so maybe we'll be okay now.
But we wouldn't have been able to make it without the kindness of others. I am so fortunate to work with some extraordinary people.