work, work, and more work

I have been working ALOT in the last couple weeks. We need to get caught up on our bills badly. I'm working any extra shift possible and I am exhausted! David has done really well with the boys during the day and even helping me out by getting up with midnight feedings, when I wake him and ask his help of course!
One of our friends gave us $300 as a "gift"! She said that God wanted us to have it. I thought that was a very special gift and I am eternally grateful for all the help we have received. Hopefully by the end of the month we will be back on our feet.
David has a few promising jobs that he has looked into for evenings.
Seth and Sean are doing well. Sean is growing like a weed and Seth has suddenly decided he likes food again. He is eating non stop these days! Maybe he's growing too.

Finally something good has happened

Our accountant is going to pay our tax fee out of his own pocket but we have to personally bring him the $260 when we get our return. Thank goodness, we could really use that $1200. Maybe things are looking up.

I go back to work tomorrow so i will be making money. I just have to wait until I get paid in two weeks..but it's a beginning.
David is going to fill out some applications on Thursday or Friday depending on my work schedule. He's going to try Home Depot or Lowes. At least it's a job for now until something better comes along.

My faith is waning..

Afetr Hurricane Charley hit us in 2004 I stopped praying because I was mad at God. How could he do this to us while we were expecting our first child ? How could he do this knowing we had just bought our house and now it's ruined? I tried to everything right and be a good person and many people in the world are cruel and crooked and they live wonderful lives. How is that fair?
I am thankful that David's faith is so strong and he has encouraged me to pray again. So I did during my pregnancy with Sean. But now David hasn't any work and we are in a horribly pathetic financial situation since I haven't started back at work yet. His work has been excellent for years, then all of the sudden the work completely dries up in a matter of months? And we can't get our tax return since we can't afford the fee to pay the accountant, so we can't even have that to help us out. David's ( ex) best friend is jerking him around and my bank account is -$300. I have had to borrow money from my mom for food and gas, but how will we survive the next few weeks?
Is this a test, God? And if so, why? What have I done so wrong? I don't think I deserve this.

The good news and the bad

Which do you want first? I also say bad, so...
It cost us $260 to have our taxes done and they won't send our taxes out until we pay. Unfortunately, we are - $300 in our bank account and our credit cards are maxed. Therfore we can't afford to have the taxes sent. Usually David's corporation pays but it's probably broke by now since David hasn't worked in a couple weeks...
The good news..
We will be getting $1200 back, which we need very badly.

But, obviously, if we can't have our taxes sent then we don't get the money.. What to do?
Why is our bank account so low? Well David has had very little work in the last month and NONE in the last week. we have borrowed already from family and the money from the sale of David's car at least took care of last months bills.
My credit card took a payment out of our account without my authorization causing the checks that came through after it to make our bank account overdrawn, and we ended up with $35 for each one. I have been arguing with the bank and the credit card company to get the payment back that they stole from me and reverse the fees without any success. They REALLY piss me off.
Anyway i am going back to work on Friday but will not get a paycheck for two weeks. David is going to apply at a couple places when his truck is fixed in a couple days. He has some good ideas and maybe will go back to school full time when I get back to working full time. It may be hard now, but in the long run it will be very beneficial for him to have a career. He's too good to install flooring anyway. He's too smart for that. Besides, his back just can't take it anymore.
It'll work out eventually. Walter's an idiot and I am glad David won't be working with him anymore. David is in a much better mood actually when he doesn't have Walter pushing him around and insulting him constantly.
You know Walter text messaged David yesterday: " You know, Denny's and McDonald's are hiring" Insulting I think.

My first day back at work..

I wasn't officially supposed to go back until the 20th but they called today and apparently were desperate for someone to do 3-11. So I went in from 3-7PM but ended up staying until 9. It was nice to be back at work again, isn't that sick? I like making my own money. I like the people I work with as well. And I made sure to tell the supervisor that I would be willing to pick up any other extra shifts in the next week. She was very happy to be working with me again and said that I was back at the shift where I belonged. :) I can't do alot of 3-11 with the two boys though. I like 7-3.
David did okay with the boys. Not great , but okay. Seth was only half in PJs and still awake when i got home at 9:30 and I had a sink full of dishes and laundry to fold and put away. Eh, I guess David isn't used to multi-tasking like I have been doing. Multi-tasking must be a woman thing.
David wasn't thrilled about being home alone with the both of them for that long but I think he understood that we need the $$ and if he isn't going to be able to work then one of us is going to have to. I don't mind.
I think that now that Sean is asleep I should probably put myself to bed as well. Good night!
I

Happy Easter and Happy Birthday

Today David turns 34 year old. He went out to have a couple drinks this evening and, fortunately , my sister was able to go out with him. Why am I happy about that, you ask? Obviously, I cannot go out with him since I am home with the boys and it always seemed that it years past I had to work the evening of his birthday so I could not go. And his friends never were able to go either. Pretty sad! :( So I am glad that my sister is there to help him have a nice time.
Unfortunately, my boys are both crabby tonight. Hopefully they will fall asleep before too long and then I will have an evening to myself, ahhhhhh, sweet silence! I can only hope. Right now I have one ( who is way overtired but refuses to ever nap anymore) who is alternating between "Mama! Mama!" for no reason and " come on!" so he can show me nothing. And another that has been fed, cleaned, diapered, burped, rocked, held, pacifiered ( is that even a word?), and fed some more to no avail. He ( I think ) is overtired as well.
You see, we went to my mom's for Easter dinner and we had a great time. Seth got to play alot and Sean was held and fed and rocked by everyone....but did not nap all day. Yes, you read that correctly. He would fall asleep but awaked whenever he was set down. So THAT is why he is overtired.
There are some days when I am jealous of the retirees that I meet at work. Thay can sleep until whenever, eat whenever, do what ever they want. When they clean their house it probably stays that way! They can watch TV in silence and go to bed and sleep ALL night long without interruptions. But then I think that life might be boring after a few days.
But even so, I wouldn't mind that kind of life for just a couple days. Is that so wrong? ;)

Girls night out

David's birthday is tomorrow and he plans on going out. Therefore, in order to rid himself of guilt and to make sure I would not gripe at him, he suggested I go out with my sister one evening. So last night my sis and I went to the pub for a drink and then we decided to go somewhere a bit more lively so we headed to another place where there would be music and dancing. It was pretty lame since all they were playing were oldies and the average age was about 40 but we had a good time picking on everyone. Yes, we are pretty pathetic but it was entertaining at least.
There isn't much that goes on in town for entertaining the younger crowd unless you like to hang out at bars or sing karaoke. Pretty sad.
In any case,I drank a little much and had some difficulty driving home but my sister drove ahead of me and I followed her all the way to my house. She's great like that.
I got home to discover that Sean had thrown up on David so I had to clean him all up and put him to bed. Boy, was I tired. I still am, not to mention I feel achy and blah from the alcohol.
I just can't tolerate drinking like I used to in my young days! I just don't think I am going to start going out too often. I prefer to put my PJs on as soon as the sun goes down and relax with my family.

my Dr. appt.and other ramblings..

I went for my 6 week check up yesterday-technically it was only 5 weeks but whatever...
Everything is fine. I am still very overweight, 140lbs by the Dr. scale. I still have 20 lbs. to lose. My friend Tammy reassured me that it will come off more quickly once I return to work. I know she's right since that is what it took last time.
Once my period returns I have to call the Dr. and have an IUD placed. I really wish I didn't have to wait. I will be getting the ParaGard which is nonhormonal and is good for 10 years ( though God help me if I decide to have another baby at 40!!) Most likely David will still get a vasectomy in a year or so.
I am looking forward to going back to work. I am so miserable sitting at home knowing that we really need my paycheck right now. Besides, I have this weird thing about making my own money. Never in my life to I ever want anyone to remind me that it's "their" hard earned money that i am using for groceries and bills. I hate having to ask for money either. I like to have my own cash.
And no, David has never made me ask for money or tell me it's "his" money but it has happened in a past relationship. I learned my lesson about making sure I can support myself.

Sean is sleeping okay, he does alright going back to sleep after his feedings until about 5 AM then he is more fussy and wants to stay awake longer. There is NO WAY i will start my day at 5 AM so he does go back to sleep, even if i have to put him in my bed to do it. He is very cute and eating very well. I can't believe it's been 5 whole weeks already!

1 month appt.

Sean is 10 lbs. and 22 inches. He is doing quite well, as am I. He still vomits occasionally but it's not with every feeding or even every day so who knows? Dr. is aware and isn't worried at this point.
Sean sleeps 3-4 hours at atime which is way better than Seth did at this age. Actually he is asleep right now so I should probably head to bed.

My Sean-free evening

My brother Sean's girlfriend offered to do an "all-nighter" if i wanted her to. Of course, I took her up on it. I needed to get some rest! So she came over yesterday evening and David and I went out for a couple drinks since she was here with the boys. We had a lovely time with us drinking, and talking and laughing. It was just like the old days.
When we got home we ate and went to bed. I didn't have to get up with Sean all night. But at the same time we stayed up too late, so we probably got about the same amount of sleep as usual. But it was uninterrupted!

David sold his car.:( Now he has to find a cheapy truck so he can use it for work. He is out looking right now. He has $3,000 to play with since the remaining $1,500 went to catch us up on bills. It sucks but they had to be paid. I honestly do feel better that we did that.
We couldn't catch up the credit cards though. Why bother, our credit is ruined already. there isn't any way we could do the minimum payments they want at this point. It's not as bad of a debt as some people, I suppose. Our credit card debt is around $8,400. Our medical bill debt is just over $1,000 so far. I do have bills coming in all the time. It's amazing what it cost to have a baby! Thank God insurance paid for most of it!

The air show

Seth and David both love planes and helicopters so we always have to attend the annual air show. So off we went, all four of us. And we had a really great time. Well, all but Sean, he just slept the whole time.
Seth and David were thrilled about getting to see the many planes and helicopters on display. I was more interested in the airplanes doing their fancy tricks iin the sky. It was totally worth the money that we spent that we really shouldn't have...
I got a pretty bad sunburn on my shoulders and chest which is very sore. Everyone else was fine though. I remembered to put sunblock on them!

I need to go back to work. Being poor sucks.

I guess that's why they call it the blues

I have finally realized what feeling this reminds me of. It is much like the feeling of breaking up with someone you loved for a long time. It's an empty, hollow feeling in your chest as if something that once was there is suddenly missing. An aching in your heart. A full body sadness.
But I can't figure out exactly why. When you break up with someone you have lost something that was once there. Having a baby you suddenly have another person where once there wasn't any, so shouldn't you feel less lonely and empty?
I know, I know..it has to do with hormone fluctuations and major life change issues. Last time I remember mourning the loss of my freedom and independence. This time, I'm not sure. Am I mourning the loss of what little freedom I had? Could it be my crappy financial situation since I'm out of work? I really think it has to do with the fact that I won't be pregnant again. I really know that we shouldn't have any more kids. But as miserable as I was during the latter part of my pregnancy I will be sad not to experience it again.
Maybe it's because for 9 months you have this build-up of excitement about waiting and waiting and having the baby. But then the day actually somes and it's all over with and you have this little person that is as cute as can be but they cry alot and want to be held alot and they don't let you sleep at night. And they can't even smile at you to let you know that they at least appreciate you.

I have to say I don't feel nearly as down as I did the first time around but perhaps the Zoloft could account for that. I have happy days and then some days are just plain lonely. Today is a lonely day.

Sean's first trip to my work..

Since I had to fill out some paperwork to add Sean onto my insurance I thought I would take this opportunity to show him off at work and he was a hit!!! Of course, I figured he would be. Everyone wanted to see him and told me how "perfect" he was. They also told me how great I looked for just having a baby. I told them that I was going to come up there any day I was feeling down and thinking I was fat so everyone can make me feel good! LOL.
Last I checked I was 136 lbs. but that was a few days ago. I still feel big but, of course, people keep saying " You just had a baby 3 weeks ago!" It'll come off eventually.
I am tired, so very tired. Sean doesn't like to sleep alone. he prefers to sleep on someone or in your arms. Very exhausting. Heather said that since she is on spring break next week that she will come over and do an " all nighter" one day so I can sleep one night. God bless Heather!!! That girl is so sweet. And Seth loves her, little Sean seems to like her quite well also. I certainly hope my brother marries her one day.
Actually I should be sleeping right now. Goodnight

I can't stand staying at home!

It makes me feel very sad and lonely to stay in the house all day with the boys. I have to get out! But the question is where?
I can't afford a double stroller right now so if we go anywhere I have to put Sean in the baby carrier and Seth in the stroller or Sean in a stroller and have Seth walk. That's awfully difficult though if we go to a crowded place since Seth likes to run everywhere and socialize...I'd be afraid to lose him. I don't have money to spend so it would have to be a free place, but the park can get so hot so quickly. We could go walking at the mall just to get out, I suppose. I can't go hang out with my mom or grandmother every day. They will get sick of me.
I have never been a person who likes to stay at home, unless I am feeling very tired or ill. I am very active and so is Seth. I know he gets sick of hanging around the house.
I really need a double stroller I guess. I was hoping to not have to buy anymore baby equpment since I have two strollers already and barely have anwhere to store them. Besides I really didn't want to spend any more money.

David and I went out last night to the Celtic Ray to watch the Peelers and drink a couple beers. we had a very good time but I am afraid that my two beers affected me more than I anticipated. My head hurts today. I suppose I should eat before I drink, huh? Goodness knows I always nag David about that. It was nice to get out and have some grown-up time with other adults. I think what I really miss is interaction with other adults during the day. I am home with two little boys but still feel lonely.

So far, so good

Sean is sleeping okay. He wakes every 2-3 hours on average to eat in the night. He takes about 30 minutes or so to eat and then he goes back to sleep. He's not really fussy and doesn't cry unless he needs food. I'm thinking I got lucky this time!
Seth is utterly fascinated by him, he just stares and stares at Baby Sean, as he calls him. He also likes to count Sean's eyes and ears and beep his nose. Very cute, but sometimes he doesn't seem to understand that he has to be gentle with the baby.
I try to keep us all busy in the day so the boys sleep well in the night. Besides I cannot stand hanging around the house all day.
It is very hard not having my paycheck though, it sucks actually. We really don't have any extra money for anything. We barely have money for what we need and unfortunately some things will have to be paid late. I will most likely have to return to work after 8 weeks instead of the 12 weeks I had originally intended. I think it's ridiculous that we don't have paid maternity leave in this country.
At least since Sean is sleeping better than Seth did at his age it may not be as bad going back to work. I will be very tired though. Oh well, I have to do what I have to do.

More pics

Some hospital pics

Reflections- courtesy of the new baby

I say that since, for some reason, I have been pondering alot of my past and remembering memories lately. Maybe it's hormones that have made me a little emotional or maybe it's the moments in the middle of the night I find myself rocking my new son in the dark quiet of the night staring at his beautiful face.
Whatever it is, I have to say I feel extremely content these days. I am so proud of the family that David and I have created. I have two beautiful little boys and a wonderful husband.
If you had told me years ago when I first saw David that I would marry him and he would father my two children I would have thought you were high on crack.
After I left my ex boyfriend when I was 21 I found myself severely depressed and friendless. So I started spending alot of time with my sister and her friends, one of which was Walter ( Whom I had originally met through her several years earlier) One night I was attending a party at his house and David walked in. We didn't speak but I remember thinking that he looked a little sad. He certainly didn't have a boisterous personality like Walter! At this time I wasn't aware that he was involved with my sister.
It was probably months later that we had become friends. There was alot of issues with my sister and him and her boyfriend..that part is very complicated.
She wasn't happy with me for awhile. I certainly didn't want to get involved with him due to all that nonsense, but somehow we wanted to spend more and more time together and he really grew on me. I discovered a warm, funny, and sensitive man that had experienced some rough patches in his life. As a depressive, overly sensitive person myself we actually had quite a bit in common. And we drank too much, yes we started out as drinking buddies.
We have had a wonderful life together so far. We have traveled to many different places through the country and had alot of fun!! Then we decided to start a family. We bought our first house and then we went through a horrible hurricane together and many months of housing repairs. We have been married for 5 years and it seems like we have packed 10 years worth of experiences in those years. And it's still only the beginning...

Seth and mama day

Today my mom came over to watch Sean so that Seth and I could spend some much needed 1:1 time together. We went to the mall for lunch and then to the playground. We had a very fun time and Seth has been pleasant as ever. I told David I want to do this one day every weekend. I reaally think it's good for both of us to spend the quality time together.

Yesterday was Sean's circumcision, he was very brave. Poor little guy. He slept excellently last night. I don't know if it was because of the circ but I hope it wasn't a fluke. He slept for 2-3 hours at a time and would go right back after feedings.

My life is sleepless yet again..

Sunday night I continued to feel just plain crappy- David even called L+D because he was so worried about me becoming dehydrated again. They advised him to have me drink small sips of fluids and little bits of food if I wasn't wanting to come in for IV hydration. I didn't sleep very restfully because my stomach wasn't right all night. I went to bed early even. David was so great at helping out with Seth.
The next morning I got up to use the bathroom right after David left for work around 0730. A bunch of fluid just fell out of me, i immediately thought I had peed on myself. But since I was dehydrated I was surprised I had so much fluid in me to even urinate! I hadn't been urinating very much due to my stomach problems. Once I sat on the toilet I figured it all out though. The fluid was still falling out of me and I noticed it was clear and pinkish tinged. I called David ,apologizing profusely, and he came right home. Second phone call was my mom and then the Dr. I showered and got all of my things together. Fortunately Seth was still sleeping since I was having quite a few contractions in the meantime, AND they were ones that made me have to stand still until they were over with.
David and I left the house for the hospital around 0830 or so and I continues to have contractions on the ride to the hospital, they were getting worse and worse quite quickly. I didn't even bother timing them since they seemed to be one right after another. When we got to the hospital they checked us in and told us to wait for our nurse to do the admission. I was having alot of pain at this point. Apparently my nurse was on a break and didn't start our admission until 0930. That was when they started my IV fluid and took my blood to the lab. I was eager to get my epidural but was told I had to wait for the lab results, yuck! I did not want to wait. At 0930 they checked me and discovered that I was 5 cm dilated. By 1030 I was still waiting for my epidural and the nurse said she had called the lab twice and they didn't have my results yet. I was begging for it by this time!
At each and every contraction David held me through the whole thing keeping one eye on the monitor so he could tell me when they were going away. He stroked my back and and I leaned my head on his shoulder during them. He was wonderful and I consider myself very lucky to have a great husband who was so supportive.
She informed me to let her know if I got the urge to bear down. Which I did a short time later. She them checked me again telling me that it was too late for the epidural since I was fully dilated! I got very scared at this point knowing I was going to have to give birth unmedicated. I was having the uncontrollable urge to bear down and the nurse didn't discourage me. the Dr. was on her way but i was afarin she wouldn't make it. The nurse (Carol) was wonderful, she said the baby's gonna come if that thats what it wants to do and she has delivered several so it was okay if it were to happen.
The Dr. did get there in time though, I pushed a few times and he was out at 1113. Just less than 4 hours since the very beginning of my labor! It hurt like hell though and I was very afraid and yelling " Get it out, just get it out!!"
My main inspiration was that once the baby was out the pain would stop.
I didn't tear or anything and actually experienced less trauma and pain afterwards in my body than I had giving birth to Seth, maybe because the labor was so quick it didn't wear as hard on my body? In any case everything worked out well. No complications at all. We had to remain in the hospital for 48 hours due to my Group B Strep positive status so that was a drag but it gave me a chance to rest before coming home.
Oh by the way, it was a boy. Sean Elijah is what we named him and he was 7 lbs. 14 oz 21 inches long. He is cute as a button and we love him very much ( of course).
Little Sean is a great sleeper..during the day. At night he is miserable and wide awake. I guess in time he will be better. I am feeling pretty good. I have energy again and can pick stuff off of the floor again!
No more stomach problems, no more pain. Did I mention I have energy again! LOL
I don't feel as isolated and lonely this time, maybe because Seth is here so it's not just me and a little baby. Maybe it's because I've done this before so I'm not so nervous and unsure.
Plus David has been an enormous help and so has my mom.
I do feel a little bittersweet about the fact that I won't ever be pregnant again. Sounds odd now since I was so miserable a week ago but pregnancy is a good feeling and I'm a little bit sad I won't feel it again. David did leave it up to me whether we would try for a girl but I know that it's just not a good idea, logically or financially. Two is a good number.
I love my house of boys. And they love me. :)