Misophonia, a strange afflicton

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia

I only learned about this condition tonight. My husband reminded me tonight about my extreme aversion to lots of sounds. I only thought it was a couple but he reminded me that there are several.
* rubbing of anything on Styrofoam
* the clacking of fast typing on a keyboard ( I purposely type softly ad slowly because of this)
* the pouring of water ( like the pouring of a liquid from a pitcher into a glass, not faucets or waterfalls)
* and to a lesser extent crinkling of potato chip bags in a very quiet room.

These sounds make me angry and my skin crawls. I feel like I want to punch the walls and pull off my flesh. It's like a full body feeling of hatred.
Weird. I'm very weird.

platonicity

http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home   This is quite unique and interesting. I was discussing it the other day with a guy I work with.
I work nights, which means a lot of paperwork at the desk most nights. My closest coworker is a guy. We talk about the craziest stuff. Legalizing weed, regulated prostitution, sex stories and the aforementioned Wall of Vagina. Drunk stories and politics, all kinds of stuff.
If he was a girl, we would totally hang out.
But since he is not, we never would. I assure you there is nothing inappropriate going on here. Not in any way. But first of all, I would not think it would be acceptable to hang out with a heterosexual male friend. Second, it might just give the heterosexual male friend the wrong idea. I mean he is still a guy.
Just clearing that up for you all.

Sometimes life is a struggle.

There are days when I hate myself, everything about me. The way I look and everything I do. I look in the mirror and want to scratch my face off because I am so ugly. I am convinced that I am a loser and the worst parent in the world. On these days life is a challenge, I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I want to lay in bed and make it all go away. Usually these moments pass in a day. But in the meantime I am pretty darn useless.
Now, I have never been formally diagnosed as bipolar, but I think I might be. Prior to taking my Cymbalta, my mood were all over the place, up and down and all around. Happy and sad and everywhere in between. Now I am more on an even keel, though I still have ups and downs there aren't so common or drastic.

Thankfully, I am myself again today. At least if my moods run more manic I could get some stuff done around here!
I wish I was normal.

Tis the effin' season

Yet again, here we are, Christmas is upon us. I see s many commercials and ads for a plethora of items I know my family would love. But I never have any money to purchase them. It's been years since I went Christmas shopping. We end up splurging and getting the boys one nice gift and them get Toys for Tots for the rest. They are usually very nice gifts as well. That's life, I suppose. We do what we can.
But I always, always make sure we participate in the different Christmas activities around town. I drag them to the Christmas parade, the Festival of Lights at Fisherman's Village, we always go on the Christmas light cruise in Punta Gorda. And of course any school activities .I still would like to take them to the Lights in Bloom at the botanical gardens, which we may still do after the holiday.

So there you go, I drag them to Christmas festivities instead of buying lots of gifts. I like to think that quality time is more important than any gift anyway.
But it sure would be fun to do some shopping!

OCD the true story

Sometimes I hear people joke about having OCD related to some random stupid thing, "I always lock my car twice, I guess I am so OCD haha!" or " I always wipe my shoes on the mat when I enter a house, I'm so OCD!"

Hmm, not so much. If it was only so mild and pleasant and humorous. I wish.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by anxiety regarding tidiness and cleanliness. Nothing ,including my body, is clean enough. I am merely disgusted y myself and my surroundings. I feel like I could scratch my skin and pull at my hair to act out the hatred I possess for myself and my all around me. I don't want to be touched unless I know you just climbed out of a good bath.
Oddly enough, any baby aged child of mine is exempt. Can't explain that one.

I can't stand feeling this way. Often I wonder the bliss of being a slob with no order or organization to run my life.

When I go to work, no matter how busy it is, I have to clean and tidy up the nurses station. A place for everything and everything in it's place. I cannot concentrate in a cluttered mess.
 I have one patient that I am convinced must have been a former hoarder. I can picture her small dwelling full of cheap knick-knacks and garage sale junk. Probably cats and items from a flea market sale, piled up next to half-empty bowls of nastiness and cups of cold coffee. I can't stand her room, to enter it simply makes me cringe.
I miss having my own car since I always kept it clean. My lovely husband tends to leave trash in our van and shirts and sweaters and receipts on the passenger seat.
I love my kids but they always wipe their hands n their clothing of even the furniture. By now I wish I could get a new couch every month, nice and clean and unstained.

When I was a child I had an obsession with numbers. Everything had to be 4. Or multiples of 4, but preferably 4. Because it was even. If you put 4 on a see saw you would have 2 on each side and it would balance, you see. I had to turn light on and off 4 times. Among numerous other things. I thought I would have some kind of "bad luck" if I did not.

I started taking antidepressants when I was twenty for severe depression. I have battled it for most of my adult life. That and my anxiety. My horrible anxiety. I really wonder what it would be like to be normal but am aware that I may never know. I feel guilty sometimes for having children as I am afraid it may be a genetic condition. Both of my parents had experienced anxiety and depression at times in their life. As does my brother.
I can't believe my poor kids have me to be their mom. Fortunately the bad days are relatively rare.

I suppose I should just try my best and see where it gets me. Who knows?

#Separate Lives

What is with all the hash tags? I think it's a Twitter thing but I see a lot of them on Facebook as well. Little annoying in my opinion.

In any case, I feel like David and I are ships passing in the day. He watches Joshua while I sleep and wakes me when he goes to work. This weekend we have 2 whole days off together. I really love that man. And no matter what we may or may not be able to afford in life he helped me have the best gifts ever. Boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3. Otherwise known as Seth, Sean and Joshua.

I love my kiddos more than anything. I know people who more of less dislike or possibly hate their kids and I may never understand. Do my kids ever get on my nerves? Do I ever go to the bathroom to get some quiet? Of course. I'm only a human, after all. But hugs and smiles from my boys makes me always feel a bit better.

Recently I found out that a previous occupant of my house was a horrible man and his wife who hated his son so much they would lock him in his room and feed him one peanut butter sandwich a day- slid under the door. Of course, leaving the boy no choice but to urinate and defecate in his room. He had no rug in his room. Only a mattress on the floor. No toys. No books.
That room now houses my two boys. And haunts me.

It happened 3 years ago. That year I did an agency shift at the behavioral center and took care of that boy earlier in the year prior to all this stuff being found out. His family complained about his horrible behavior and his urinating and such all over his room. they conveniently left out the part where he was locked in said room leaving him no choice. So anyway, they brought him to the behavioral center, where it was common knowledge among the staff that his parents disliked him. Especially his stepmom. Turns out the boys was not incontinent ever while he was there, and well behaved, polite and sweet. He enjoyed playing ball in the hallway with another kid that was there at the same time. Adorable boy.
I wished I could adopt him, I seriously did! I thought he would be a great big brother to my boys. Anyway he ended up being sent back with his family which very nearly starved him to death 4 months later. It bothers me that the behavioral center had a chance to intervene and remove him from that home but did not.

In any case, I am haunted everyday as to what that poor boy went through in this house. All those days alone, hungry, sad, and scared. I wish I could have saved him.

But at least I can always make sure that my boys never, ever have to feel that way.

Sometimes I miss the day

I loved kayaking, I still do, and probably would more often if I had an easier way to transport my kayak. I have to shove it in the back of the van and bungee the hatch closed. Obviously I cannot drive very far. I have tried getting it on top of the van and failed miserably.
I could rent one at any number of places but money is never plentiful in my life. So driving very far isn't a great idea either. And I would have to have someone watch Joshua since I can't figure out how to kayak with a baby.

In all I miss exploring the local canals and wading on the beach and enjoying the lovely sounds of water nature. Unfortunately I have had some unexplained pain in my left wrist as well. Until I get that fixed I have to limit excessive use of it.

Lately I have been taking long morning walks with Joshua and, in addition to the exercise, I have been enjoying the nature in my neighborhood. Lots of trees and birds, so I am making an effort to get out.
Even so I miss getting out on the water. I hope to soon enough.

some thoughts...

As a bit of a rebel, I refuse to believe everything that I have been told. Maybe it's because for many years I was the gullible one people played tricks on since I was so trusting of others. But no more. I like to get the facts for myself. Anyway, I have grown up as a casually Christian girl. Never really attended church. But it's seems that the more I learn about Christianity, I realize that women are not very respected. I just cannot get on board with that type of thinking. Do I think Jesus respected women. I think so. He was kind and respectful to all, man or woman, rich or poor. I think God loves all. That being said, somehow many Christian churches have become very judgemental. Some people that should be the most representative of Christianity don't act like it so much. They like to talk about being blessed and quote scriptures and judge others by whether they are Christian. I'd rather base an opinion of a person by their actions. You can act Christian and not even be one. And many Christians don't act like it at all.
Kindness and love can be felt by anyone in any religion.

I would like to know a religion or church that respects and values women and men equally as humans. I could totally get on board with that. But no church that considers me a second class citizen is one I want to be part of.

Crazy Political Weirdos

One day I worked an agency shift for a Hospice case. I was scheduled alongside a crazy-as-a-loon nurse that babbled about politics all day. Now I did not pay too much attention to political issues. It's my opinion that politicians are some of the most crooked people on Earth, next to used car salesmen. Pretty sad that they are making the laws. But what can I do? nothing which is why I don't pay too much attention. It only angers me. Anyway Crazy Nurse carried on all shift about how I should pay attention to politics or I will be sorry. I should hoard my guns and ammo for when Obama makes us all become Muslim and have to wear Burkas or some crap. And ,of course, she gets all the most current news from Facebook before the news even gets the story, (seriously, Crazy Nurse?)
She even told a lady visiting the dying guy ( why was she discussing politics with a lady grieving for a dying friend?) that people who don't make themselves aware of politics ( me, sitting right there) are going to be sorry! I was happy to get away from Crazy Nurse at the end of the shift.

Now, my sister and mom are intensely political and very enthusiastic in their opinions. Again they believe that it is SO important to be informed. So I made myself get informed. And guess what, hmm, I find that my political opinions put me on the exact opposite side of the political spectrum from my sister and mom. So they still are irritated. Sigh, Make yourself informed but only if you agree with me?

My beliefs put me in the less popular progressive, liberal category. I believe in rights to make choices, taking care of our own and acceptance. I am actually interested in political issues going on these days. but I rarely discuss them since it seems most people are more conservative. I don't want to argue politics , actually I dislike arguing at all.

I am not sure , honestly, why there are so many judgmental people around, doesn't it feel better to be kind to others?

Living the Night shift

I love working nights. I have some awesome coworkers, besides I can avoid all the many bosses and craziness that occur in the day. Downside, I am always tired. I fell like I could sleep for 24 hours straight. Unfortunately, I am always awakened several times while I attempt to sleep in the day. I guess it's quite obvious what is on my mind right now. Sigh..

Hello Beautiful People, and the Crazy Story of Preeclampsia

I'm fairly certain that nobody reads this, I am also fairly certain that someone has spilled something on my keyboard at sometime and I have some annoying sticky keys. Moving on..

At some point David and I had decided on having on last kid. We hoped to have a daughter, at least David did. It took 8 very long months of counting cycle days and ovulation tests and planned days of lovin' for the only purpose of conception. I was reading to give up and call it a frickin' day when I finally became pregnant in June 2012. Apparently since I was 35 I had to see a specialist, which was nice because I received lots of ultrasounds. Which also informed us that we were having another ,yay!, boy. David was rather sad and for the remainder of the pregnancy was quite sadly disconnected from it. Little depressing. The pregnancy was hard on me and I slept ALOT. By late January I was told that my blood pressure was quite elevated, and didn't go down with regular interventions. Lab tests showed preeclampsia. I was ordered on bed rest to keep my blood pressure down. Seriously, nothing makes me want to do stuff than being told to do nothing. Boring!!!! And sad. I had to have regular non stress tests where they listen to baby heart beat over a determined period. Thankfully all was wonderful with baby. I was the one at risk. They hoped to keep me on bed rest until my early March due date. Unfortunately I began having severe headaches at night from blood pressure spikes. After a few days of intolerable pain I was admitted to the hospital for them to try to get the blood pressures down and ease my headaches somehow. No such luck. I was induced on February 12, 2013, 5 weeks early. The epidural eased my pain and headache like a wonderful godsend. Though they had to give me something to bring my blood pressure up since the epidural made it drop too low, go figure. I didn't ever realize that baby Joshua was crowning.

He was born in the late morning, just a wee thing under 5 pounds. I got to kiss him quickly prior to being whisked away to the NICU. Because at that time I was apparently bleeding out all my blood. My BP got as low as 70/40 and I wondered if I might die. I remember being so sleepy, sleepier than I ever had been. It took all I had to force myself to stay awake. David was next to me looking a bit scared, I learned later that he called my sister crying that he thought he was going to lose me. Anyway, for what seemed like a very long time there were lots of nurses and the Dr. in the room doing a lot of massaging of my abdomen to help stop bleeding. The Dr. even placed her entire hand into my uterus to ensure there were no more placenta parts in there .
Fortunately I did not end up requiring a blood transfusion but was quite weak and tired for a few days afterward. I didn't get to see Joshua again until the next day. He looked so tiny and helpless hooked up to so many tubes and monitors, I cried feeling like it was all my fault. While all the other post partum moms had their crying infants with them I was all alone. I felt like I had been through the wringer and had nothing to show for it. The Dr. let me go home after a few days so I could be with my family and not sad at the hospital.
Joshua remained there for 2 weeks, he was a sleepy boy and didn't want to stay awake to eat so they had to place a tube in his nose down to his stomach so they could get the food in him. It was a depressing couple weeks. Then, of course, one day before he was due to be discharged I ended up in the emergency dept. with severe vertigo/ nausea and vomiting. Sometimes, you just get kicked when your down, you know? They fixed me up and Joshua as well and he was able to come home in late February. Home to his family where he belongs. :)

Meet joshua

Hello Joshua Henry Dreyer!
A lot changes in an entire year! New kid, new house..all new. Shoot it's hard to type and feed a baby a bottle at the same time!

Well, I guess cars only last so long..

This is the new Dreyer-mobile. Not brand new. It is 10 years old.. and it needs some new brakes..and the driver's side and passenger side windows don't go down. But for the most part it's super nice. Apparently some disgusting slobs had it last so we had to do some cleaning but it's spotless now.  It's nice and roomy and thwe boys love it.

Unfortunately the other car had some head gasket issues thatwas going to be expensive to repair..so we figured it wasn't even worth it. So we traded it and gave them $700 (borrowed from David's mom) to put down payment on this van.

I like it.

Happy new year!

I guess after living 34 years another year is just that..another year. No big. I don't have any resolutions. I don't plan on making any life changes. I guess I could lose a couple pounds, but that could happen in March or August. Whatever.
Working nights have me tired and my body confused. I slept all day but I am still tired. And my growing butt is completely due to working nights. I spend my nights doing more paperwork and charting than actual patient care. therefore I am exerting less energy and burning less calories. Not good. I want to push away from the table before it gets out of control and I become a big blob rolling and slithering through the hallways. Not to mention, it occurred to me I would have to buy new clothing and I just don't have the funds to purchase a new wardrobe at this point.

I went to my Dr. and told him my Cymbalta was working out for me. Since I don't yet have insurance he gave me 2 months of samples. How cool!. I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy. Some people, even Drs. have a a good decent heart and empathize with their patients. I know most Drs. are supposed to but it is not always the case.

Wow, I am so tired.

Wow, 2012 already!!

Yep, been busy over the holidays. But it's been fun. And happy. Did I mention busy? Yes, I am back to working full time now, three 12 hour shifts per week. Nights. But oh, well.

David was laid off from his seasonal job at Target. They simply did not need him anymore. That was sad. It upset him alot. He really did like it there.

I changed my antidepressant medication. I switched from Zoloft to Cymbalta. I really wanted to get away from some of the unpleasant side effects of the Zoloft. So far the Cymbalta is great. I didn't even notice a switch. I stopped the Zoloft one day and started the Cymbalta the next. I took a lower dose for the first week and then upped to 60mg. and it seems to be working great. I feel good. Yay for Cymbalta!! It actually is supposed to help with chronic pain and fibromyalgia as well. Neither have I been diagnosed with but I have occasional low back pain and arthritic fingers and R knee. So I hope it helps.

New start for 2012 and I am optimistic. I think David and I will have some major changes in the new year but more on that in the future...

Korn, Korn, Korn!!!!!!

Unfortunately Halloween excitement took a backseat to the upcoming Korn concert. For myself, at least. Last night David and I were watching a Korn live concert on HD TV when David mentioned how long it has been since he went to a good concert. I was wondering simply when the concert was filmed. So I looked it up on Facebook , or was it Wikipedia, anyway I discovered they have their 10th album coming out in December and they are currently on tour. David noticed that they were going to be in Tampa in less than 2 weeks and then we got excited and bought tickets. Yeah, just like that.

Last time I saw them it was 1996 at Lollapalooza in West Palm Beach. I did not know much of them, I was looking more forward to seeing Tool, actually. I was with my lame-ass jerk ex-boyfriend. I sat next to this cute guy who I actually talked to more than my boyfriend. This guy had a Korn shirt so naturally I always rememeber him as the "Korn guy". We talked about music and he seemed really nice. If he would have said, "Hey, redhaired rock girl, come live with me and I can get you a job." I would have said, "Sweet!"  and would have left my boyfriend, whom I did not like much. I could have moved away with Korn guy and lived happily ever after and listen to Korn all the time. Oh, the memories.

Happy Halloween!

I decided to be a flapper this year.

 David, Sean and I

 Zombie Seth, it's fake blood.

Striking a pose for the camera.

To test or not to test..

We received a letter from Seth's school that his teacher would like him tested for potentially gifted classes or some program. Considering this is the same kid that was suspended every other week in kindergarten because of behavior issues, I am hesitant to do anything that would change his routine or his teacher.
I agreed to the testing but am not sure what will come out of it. I keep thinking this is what taechers do if they want a kid out of their class, since I know he can be trying at times. I guess we will see.

this is what I have been doing...

kayaking...

 beaching....

 crocheting...

 bicycling...

 hanging with squidward...

more crocheting...



when I am not working, of course!!

Hey, remember me!?

I had forgotten about this here blog. Wow, things sure have changed since the last time I posted anything.

And I discovered that they was a section that I could refer to to check for any comments. I was quite surprised that anyone ever commented at all on anything.

David and I are still happy and not divorced as we were contemplating at one time. We still have two lovely boys. Seth just turned 7 and Seanie is 4.

I am working on an as needed basis at a long term care facility called Signature Health Care and also at a staffing agency. Which I absolutely love!

Though I am not employed full time anywhere, I certainly receive full time hours..or at least full time pay. You see, working on a PRN basis I receive higher hourly pay that a regular worker..so I can work a few hours less and receive same pay. Downside is..no health benefits. So I get more of my pay since it is not paying for insurance but I end up having to have my family and kids on Medicaid health benefits.

No I am not proud. But don't have much choice right now. I certainly cannot afford any private health plan! But I try to rationalize it. I think about when Sean was a lilttle baby and I was scraping by to pay for his formula and diapers and David was out of work. How I made a tiny bit too much money for WIC and how I wanted to cry because we were so poor and I needed the assistance so much.

Anyway, things are better now. Wow, things have changed so much in the last year-and-a-half since I posted anything on this blog.

To make a long story short.

I was offered the job at the Dr. office but they wanted to pay me close to nothing so i turned it down. A girls gotta live, ya' know.
I had interviews at two different facilities today and both went well but thyey did not have 7-3 full time positions available. I got a job at one of the places doing part time /PRN so that is a start. Both places were very interested in hiring me -if they had a position available.

I am feeling conflicted...

I went to the interviews yesterday. First with the office manager and then with the Dr. Both went well.

This morning I recieved a call from the staffing agency offering me the position. They wanted me to start Monday. Yippee! I thought. But then I was told what they wanted to pay me..and my heart sank. I even told the lady. I haven't been paid that since my first nursing job 10 years ago!
I was a $6.50 hr. pay cut from my previous job! What! Now I fully expected to make less than I was at Harbour Health but, I mean, I do have to survive and feed my family. And pay for day care.

So i called the nursing staffing agency, they want me to come in on Tuesday for my second interview. ( The lady told me at the first one that if I was asked to come for a second one, I pretty much got the job)

So I declined the offer at the Dr. office for the agency job. I think that some people think I am foolish for doing that but I just hate to take so many steps back ward like that. I truly feel I am worth more than what they offered. I have experience and many skills to offer.

I think in the long run, I am going to be happy with my decision. My heart just wasn't into the Dr. office thing. I need to work in long term care.

I sure hope something good comes out of this.

I have an interview with the Recovery Center tomorrow at 0930. They really are interested in someone that can work on short notice -which I cannot. It's dealing with mental health and detox patients which is way out of my experience. Not that i wouldn't be intersted in learning- but i am used to dementia crazy- not "crazy" crazy. And no I am not being derogatory because I have diagnoses that make me technically " crazy" as well. But can I deal with a bunch of "me's"?
Probably not.
In any case, I may not go to the interview.

This morning I received a call regarding an app i had filled out weeks ago for a position at a Dr. office. She asked if i was still interested (yes!) and could I come for an interview.(Yes!) 15 minutes later one of the long term care facilities called to set up an interview for Monday (yes!)
Later that morning I got a call from a very pleasant sounding woman regarding a position at a home health agency in Bradenton. She sounded more than eager to employ me- but I simply cannot drive almost 100 miles for a job- unless it pays wicked well. So i had to say no. She sounded disappointed. Maybe that was my imagination..

I filled ot the application for a home health agency more local, but I am guessing it ended up in their data base and was pulled up in Bradenton. Who knows?

At the interview I had to fill out some paperwork ( I am so sick of writing out my personal info and work history, aren't resumes supposed to elimate all tht writing?) and then sit down with the lady at the employment place. She seemed to like me and she was confident that I would do well at the proposed position at a local dr. office. She also reassured me that my background check was clear, ( I knew that) and I voiced my concerns that my prior job might say something unfavorable. She was supportive and stated that if they did say I was a poor emlpoyee she could ask them why ,then, did they keep me as an employee for the better part of nine years?

I think I like that lady.

Tomorrow I am going to interview with the office manager of the Dr. office.

Then I got a call from another place I applied, they want to come in and fill out, wait for it, paperwork! That job is at a correctional institution. I could do it, but the hours would be difficult with my kids- plus it's in another town. I am pondering what to do about this situation. I am going to cancel the recovery center interview in the morning, going instead to the Dr. office one.

Oh dear. my head is spinning...

It's always good news that is barely out of my reach

I have been to quite a few facilities where I had to fill out an application and then sit down for an informal interview with the staff development person. Each time I think I do well. Even though I still find it a little strange to "sell" myself to a potential employer. I always am slightly uncomfortable "tooting my own horn" so to speak.
But they always seem to like me and why not. I am likable, I think. And I am certainly genuine. Of all my character flaws, I have one shining asset. I cannot lie for crap. I am as honest as they get. And that, I hope people see, is a good thing.

I applied at a different place yesterday, my friend's neice gave me the heads up on the position, so I called and spoke to the DON and filled out an app. Now i just wait...

Today I called the places that I applied last week. One will return my call and the other is trying to find a place in the schedule that I would fit in. Sounds promising-if only there was a place for me.. She said she will get back to me.

I wish i had more flexibility with my schedule because there are a couple places that i could probably get a position right now for 3-11. But what would I do with my boys? Even if I could bring them home prior to my shift. I don't have anyone to stay with them for the evening. Man, I wish I could find evening child care..

So again, I wait...

I have stuff to do, ya' know!

Hubby took the car to run some random errands. And i only have 15 minutes left on my phone with no $$ in sight. Soo I want to go to my mom's to use her phone to place a couple phone calls. Possibly before I pick up Seth at 12. I have a feeling it's not going to happen. Little frustrated right now. Why does the world seem to be working against me!?

A little good news on the horizon.

My friend Marva called today and told me that, per her neice, there is a 7-3 position open at a local long term care facility. Her neice happens to be a unit manager there. She gave me the name of who to ask for and I think she is going to give my name to whomever does the hiring so they can retrieve my resume. I applied there a few weeks ago, so all my info should be in someones e-mail!
I will be calling in the morning, so hopefully it works out. I try not to get my hopes up too high.
I will keep my fingers crossed...

Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown.

I believe I have addressed my issue with envy in the past but it seems to be something that I just can't shake.
Only now I envy basic life essentials that I see that other people have.. and I do not. I can't stand even watching" How it's Made" on the Science channel because I feel jealous that the people in the show making things have jobs. I envy people in line at McDonald's because, obviously, they must have cash from somewhere to buy their cheeseburger and Diet Coke.
Celebrities make me ill. I read that Tom Cruise is getting 20 million to star in the next "Mission Impossible" movie. Disgusting. I understand that he has an acting talent and that is what he gets paid for, but 20 mil? That's ridiculous. I don't think the rich and famous are "better" people in the world just because of the $$$ they have. But I do think it must make life much easier. that being said, why do so many end up in rehab?

A few years back I lived a life of plenty of excess. If I wanted something-I bought it. No need to save or scrimp. We took weekend vacations regularly, and nice out-of-state vacations yearly. We stayed in the nicest hotels and rented nice cars when we got to where we were going. We ate out much of the time and frequented the pub nightly. And boy do I miss the biweekly massages.

I always felt like people like myself, unemployed, and living off taxpayers, to be a burden on society. A waste of space that serves no productive purpose in the world.
Maybe , thats why I am where I am. God's teaching me a lesson about understanding the less fortunate. A bit of Karma, I suppose.

Welcome to the unemployment line.

I haven't been fired from a job since I was 15! And I haven't been without a job in as long as well. So what was I to do? Now I have two little boys and an unemployed spouse to support. My ex-coworkers were shocked at my termination. My friend Marva was simply pissed off. We had such a good time at work. We laughed alot. I liked my residents and they liked me. I knew their lives, their histories, their families. I knew their extensive medical histories since I had been taking care of many of them for years. I had taken care of resident's spouses, sisters, brothers, and even a mother and daughter. I had sat with dying residents that were all alone and remained with them until the end.
Maybe I was too comfortable in my position thinking that they wouldn't get rid of me. I honestly felt that regardless of my weaknesses, I was more of an asset to them than a liability. After all, I never, ever hurt or put any of my patients in harms way. Even with the issues that I were fired for. I never came close to hurting anyone. A CNA once told me that it's more important to work with your heart than your head. And maybe I wasn't using my head enough.

Immediately I filed for unemployment benefits. I thought for sure I would get them. I mean, I never stole anything or abused anybody. But I didn't.
The corporation stated that I failed or refused to perform job duties as per my job description- or something similar. And then slapped the term " misconduct" on me so they wouldn't have to pay.

I applied for every benefit that I could possibly receive, and of course, now I qualify for them. In as many years I have attempted to get any assistance possible only to be repeatedly told I make too much.

Now I can get my kids on Medicaid. I get WIC checks and yes, now I get food stamps and am applying for cash assistance- which I believe used to be Welfare. I even had to go to the Salvation army to pay my electric bill. Yes, I have now hit the bottom and become the kind of person I never, ever wanted to be. I am truly disgusted by myself.

But in the last few weeks I have applied for countless nursing jobs and am still waiting, waiting for responses. They each say they will get back to me in a week or two so here I wait. Two places told me to call them if they didn't call me this week, so that's two call s to make on monday and if those two places don't want me, I don't know. My optimism is fading. I know they look at my application and see " terminated" and that bothers them . Plus, I wonder what my prior employer is really saying about me. I am scared that i won't find work because of the firing. It's happened and I can't go back to change it. What now.

I guess I just keep waiting.

Good God it's been awhile!

I can't even attempt to reveiew everything taht has occurred over the last several months but I assure you that it has been more downs than ups, unfortunately. Late August, little Sean ended up in the hospital for a few days with H1N1. I honestly did not know he was as sick as he turned out to be. He was wheezy and feverish-not to mention lethargic. When i brought him to the Dr. , we did not even have to wait, we were brought right in and the nurse interrupted the Dr. with another patient to tend to him. Albuterol nebs didn't help, the epinephrine neb did but he only got that when Dr. decided to have him admitted. Blech, hospitals suck. It was a sad and lonely experience, poor Sean slept much of the time.
He did get his ear tubes placed in September and so far all has been good. A couple outer ear infections but nothing too crazy. He's talking better and feeling better. October, November, and December were a blur of never-ending stress. David's unemployment ran out just in time for the holidays. Wouldn't you figure?!
We also decided to divorce in December, David thanked me for ruining his holiday. Of course, divorce costs $$$. $$ that we don't have so it will happen eventually, maybe years from now.
I was counseled at work in early January regarding an issue that occurred in December with a patients skin issue that I forgot to document on. That was a big deal, but I guess I didn't realize how big. honestly, I have been distracted with all that is going on in my world. I opted to take a week off to get away from work and relax a bit.

Fast forward a couple weeks and suddenly I found myself fired from my job of the last nine years. they gave two tiny minor issues ( I wouldn't even consider them write- up worthy personally) and a couple bigger issues. One of which I honestly did not know I was doing wrong and one I neglected to follow through with an issue. The state surveyors were in the building and witnessed one of the issues so I am guessing that eliminating me was, perhaps, their "plan of correction". I was taken aside by my supervisors and told to go home, that I was suspended until they contacted me in a week. Scary, but still I had a job. I figured I would have a week off to destress.
Later, I received a call from my supervisor that she wanted to set up a meeting with me for the next morning. I asked if I was to be fired to do it on the phone. And she did.

Pain stinks

It's the main thing on my mind today so it's hard to think of much else. I think I have a little Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome going on going back several months but it onle seems to "flare up" every now and then. Then I experience horrible pain in my right wrist with a little tingling in my fingers and the occasional pain shooting up toward my elbow. usually I put on a wrist brace for a couple days and it eases up with rest but this time it freaking hurts! I tried the wrist brace, a compression wrap, oral pain medications (which actually did help me make through my work day) , ice, and now David has gotten me a Therma Care hand and wrist wrap which actually feels very soothing. Even though it's made for arthritic problems. Pain stinks.

Things have been looking up lately. David now is able to receive unemployment benefits and I was able to cash out my 401K so we got ourselves caught up. David has been working pretty steadily for the last couple weeks and i was even able to pick up an over time day a couple weeks ago.

David's biological son from his first marriage is here visiting for a week so we have been busy. Tonight my whole family had a get together because he was visiting so everyone could meet him and we all had a good time. My family loves any excuse to get together and eat- and drink. And we always have a good time. I really love them.

Sometimes bandages do help a little...

I got paid one week ago, and unfortunately, I discovered that I did not have enough paid time off hours to cover my vacation I had taken in early July-therefore, my paycheck was short. david had been ot of work for a couple weeks so we were relying on every cent that my paycheck wad to bring us. I flipped out when David told me he had gone to the grocery store only to discover that he had "insufficient funds" after paying only the day care bill. We were in the negative prior to the paycheck being deposited, so my check was gone.
I was sitting at work with my stomach growling as I was thinking about what wonderful meal I was going to have that night when David called me to tell me that we could not get groceries. I seriously had not had a proper meal in days waiting to get groceries. :( Anyway, people at work felt horribly for me and they emptied their wallets to help me out. Another lady, brought me a bunch of groceries and then a couple days later more goceries were purchased for me by various co workers. I assure I was flooored at the outpouring of support I experienced from people I work with, none of which are wealthy folks. Just regular people that have big hearts. I was told that I was well loved and that many people wanted to help me out. And with no expectation of being repaid! I was emotionally exhausted by the end of the week. but I assure you that no one in my house was hungry, thanks to good people.
My water was turned off, still is actually but ,um, "someone " turned it back on until we can pay the bill on Monday. I feel like such a rebel with my illegal water. My TV, phone and internet was turned off as well. We were able to pay that today and get it turned back on.
Coincidentally, I received a notice in the mail that I needed to decide what to do with my 401K now that my work has changed management companies. I opted to cash out my $3,000. I figured it wouldn't get me far in retirement anyway and I really needed it . I got the check today!!! Already. So we were able to pay some bills and straighten out the balance in the bank account. Already, I feel like some weight is off of my shoulders. I understand the $$ is merely a bandage for other financial issues we are having but it's nice to get caught up for the moment. David is working and I was able to do a double shift yaeterday so maybe we'll be okay now.
But we wouldn't have been able to make it without the kindness of others. I am so fortunate to work with some extraordinary people.

Freeland 'Do You' UK Live Tour Video

I assure you that is not the type of music I typically listen to but this song kicks! I love it. I might have to get the CD just to get me moving on lazy days. Yeah, I can see myself jumping and dancing around the house to this.

Angel Dust simply reminds me that I am getting older.

And not the drug ( does anybody actually do PCP anymore?) but the Faith No More CD. As it is one of my favorite CDs the world has ever seen it bothers me that it makes me feel so sad-but I think I woke up feeling this way. As I was listening to " Midlife Crisis" I realized I was going to be experiencing my own before too long. And it reminded me how many years it has been since that song came out! I do believe that CD dominated the soundtrack for the 15th year of my life which was ,Oh, 17 years ago...
I just feel like some of my best years have passed and I think about how many things I would have done differently if I had the opportunity to do it over. I have a job, husband, and two wonderful kids- but we aren't as successful as I had hoped we would have been at this point. At this age. As i get older I look at myself in the mirror and realize I am appearing older, my body is showing signs of age. And the more down I get-the less motivation I have to try to improve things.
I envy alot.
I envy people who can pay all of their bills every month, especially without overdrawing their account on a weekly basis.I hate paying bills because there never is enough money-so I have david do it so I don't have to see how little is really in the bank. And he is horrible with money!I hate having to worry-actually i find that it's easier to simply not care than to worry. Since it doesn't help anyway.
I decided to pierce my nose last week. Why? Because I am not getting any younger, ya know? I only have one life to do things, crazy and not so crazy. I tell people it's a midlife crisis moment. And maybe so, because it made me feel like less of an old lady. It made me feel like I still had some life to me. Made me feel a little edgy, like maybe, just maybe, i had the potential to still be a little interesting and cool. Not a boring old wife and mother.
Trust me, I would never, ever want to go back to 15 years old. I did some dumb things but I think it was all for the better since I got those crazy things out of my system. It helped me to learn right from wrong and help me decide that I don't want to live my life as a loser!
I think i need some motivation to get out and experience the world instead of sitting around feeling sorry about days gone by.
I'm merely 32 and I 'm already reflecting. God help me!

The Trews - Paranoid Freak

Quite a catchy song. I rather like it...

Guess what? Sean has another ear infection.

I am so tired of the Dr. office. Never did I think I would be one of those moms that takes their kid to the Dr. on a monthly basis. I have enough sense to know tht Drs cannot perform miracles.But it seems his ear infections keep getting worse and his fevers are higher and more difficult to get rid of. I swear, the kid gets a runny nose and immediately develops an ear infection. I was really hoping for the Dr. to recommend a specialist for some ear tubes beacuse he's had so many infections one after another and I really don't like my kid on so many antibiotics.
The Dr. said that when we return to see him in two weeks we will decide at that point-but he keeps telling me that! Arrgghhh. I think the Dr. just wants to see me. He gives me so many hugs during the course of one of Sean's appt. it's a tad unusual. He just knows that I am experiencing extreme guilt about my son's health.
Sean had a fever all yesterday-no matter how much Motrin we gave him. Evntually,during the night, his fever must have "broke" because he hasn't had one since. He was hot as heck last night. i assuure you because he was laying right next to me.
Poor kid.,

Yeah, I got more than my fair share of vitamin D today.

We got a kid pool today for the boys. The old pool was rather small so we had to upgrade! to a bigger one. They had alot of fun swimming and playing, though in the first five minutes both of them decided tht swimming naked was more fun than swimming with a bathing suit. Whatever. Seth got a little tan, myself a freakin' sunburn. What is wrong with me-when will I learn to put on the sunblock. At least my makeup has an SPF so my face doesn't get too much sun, just my shoulders and back.
Yesterday, Seth and I went to the Hibiscus festival in Punta Gorda and had a lovely time if I do so so myself. First, we hopped (not literally) onto the boat to experience a river tour. Seth's first boat ride was very nice, we toured the river and the harbor and went under a couple bridges, the breeze was beautiful out on the water, we had fun. There were some people on the boat taking pictures, not sure from what extremely dull place they must have come from to be so interested in the view of Charlotte Harbor!
We sat in the gazebo overlooking the harbor while we ate ice cream and got to see a sea plane take off and many different boats go by. We sat in the shade of a banyan tree and ate a snow cone while we listened to some awful, horribly, cheesy folk music. Trust me, I've seen this guy play at other festivals-and he really sucks, every time. Seth and I have so much fun! I feel kinda bad about leaving Sean at home, but he just doesn't know how to act in public sometimes.
When I got home David had made me an appt. for a manicure, so off I went again. Now my fingernails are beautiful! And bright red. Marva always says I need some color so I had to go with the bright red! HA.
Um, my shoulders and upper back are bright red,too but I think I could do without that kind of bright color! I am such an idiot. I deserve the pain.
As far as I am concerned, all is well in Dreyer land.
Yes, I did call my dad to wish him a Happy Father's day.
:)

The Thermals "Now We Can See"

I love, love, love sirius radio! I keep finding all these cool bands. Alt. nation rocks.

Emotional exhaustion

In the last couple days I have had two people die on C wing. Today another lady is dying-or perhaps already gone to the great beyond as I write this. I have had to communicate with too many family members about declining health of their loved ones and try to stress that the"end " is near when the family members think that maybe if we just offer her a little bit of juice Mom will be just fine. Yesterday I sent out a very, very sick man to the hospital less than 24 hours after he was admitted to the nursing home. The entire morning he was yelling out "nurse, nurse" and asking the same questions over and over, driving me up the wall. I had another man curse me out because I wouldn't let him go into another lady's room and go through her closet since he was convinced that his clothing was in her closet.
The saddest of all, I have another man that was involved in an altercation with another man and he ended up with bleeding in his brain that caused irreversable damage and now his wife wants to remove his feeding tube and they won't let her so she cries every day because of the guilt that she feels for having it inserted in the first place.

But on the other hand I saw one of my past resdients that had been moved to another wing, who stated to therapist as he saw me, " She is a wonderful girl, I wish there were more like her."
Sometimes it's nice to have someone actually say that I made some difference. Because I honestly try.
I think I have a very important job and people don't seem to understand just how trying that being a nurse can be. I have to deal with so many different personalities and dysfunctional families in some pretty weak moments. I used to think that only the lesser wealthy (poor) poeple had severely dysfuctional lives but I assure you that I have seen money drive families apart, and rich families that were more dysfunctional than I could ever have guessed. I don't know why I thought that wealthy people had less dysfunction-maybe since they can afford therapy?
Anyone that may read this, just keep in mind when you are dealing with nursng staff anywhere-they have a tough job so give them a little credit and treat them nicely. Please don't be demanding and nasty, we deserve better than that.

Why shouldn't I go out one night?

One of my friends at work invited me out tomorrow night along with a couple other girls. I really think I should go, don't you? I rarely ever go out anywhere without my family( work doesn't count) and I don't drink. Or I drink very little. I guess I feel like I am beyond the years where I should go out to any clubs. Trust me, I won't do any dancing. I don't plan on drinking near enought to get me out on the dance floor. I think David's afraid I might go picking up guys. But if you ask me I have three boys in this house to keep after-the last thing I need is another one! No thank you very much.

INCUBUS - Black Heart Inertia

I think I really like incubus...at least I really like this song. I cannot post the video from you tube yet-this is a fan video. The actual video just premiered yesterday.

For your listening pleasure

Audrye Sessions-Turn Me Off
I like this song. I just heard it fror the first time a few minutes ago. Thank you Sirius radio! It's rare that I hear brand new stuff from lesser know bands around here.

I think I will call myself.."Pinworm"

David and I recently watched an episode of Bones, that we had recorded on DVR, where they were investigating some old bones that were being used for a prop for a death metal band at their concerts. Somewhere in the episode a band member had the lovely name of "Pinworm" which I found completely hilarious. I still think that is such a funny name. Maybe because the word "worm" is a little funny to me for some reason. Say it with me.."Worm, worrrrm,woooorm"
Isn't it a little funny. Kinda like "Flabbergasted" and "Addled". Oh, and "Bubble". Okay enough, enough. I think I need to be committed.

Thank You for Being a Friend Bea Arthur

When I was a kid I never, ever missed The Golden Girls. I thought all of the ladies were hilarious, but I admit Dorothy was my favorite. Even as an adult I watched the reruns on Lifetime network.
I remember Bea Arthur gave a show in Fort Myers about 10 years ago and I really wanted to go-of course, I didn't. I reget my decision now. Thank you for all of the laughs ,Bea!

I'll take you to Funkytown alright...and I'll leave your ass there!

I am the Wii tennis queen. David and I played my mom's tonight and ,as always, we had a grand time. It's actually the most fun we ever have together these days. Darned thing. I love that stinkin' game. David and I would get one in a heart beat if we had any $$$. But we don't. Blech.
In any case, my right shoulder is gong to be killing me tomorrow. But it's all good because it was totally worth it.
David needs to work more, alot more, so he can buy us one.

Men are silly

David told me today that he needed to go to the store to get beer for tomorrow. I assured him that there will be beer there. He said,"I don't know about that."
"Why, because it's a religious holiday?", I replied.
"Um, yeah"

After all of these years you'd think that he would know that my family doesn't give up beer for any holiday. A holiday is just a better reason to, so they drink more! My family is a bunch of beer drinkin' fools and that tradition isn't going to end soon. Men are so weird.
While I am at it. Why can't David put the cap back on a pen after he uses it? He NEVER does, so I have a ton of pens that just dry out after one use. What the heck?

I am ashamed of my evil side.

I told the scheduler at work that I would pick up an extra shift this weekend- so she scheduled me for today 7-3. I prepared myself for an extra day all week, I was even looking forward to my next paycheck with my overtime on it. Then yesterday afternoon, immediately after work, she called and told me,"By the way, I meant to get with you all day today to tell you that I won't need you tomorrow. One of the pool nurses is going to come in." I wasn't too thrilled about this. then she had the gll to ask me if I would be available to come in if anyone call out. I said no. I don't like going to bed thinking I have the day off and then being called at 6AM being told that someone called out. I like to know ahead of time.
I did end up getting the call this morning. At about 7:45AM.
The were not only one-but two-"no call, no shows" on my wing. One of which was the pool nurse that I was cancelled for.
I told the supervisor I had plans with my family and couldn't come in.
I did end up making plans and had a lovely day.
But I am pretty sure that next time I want to work an extra shift- they won't cancel me at the last minute. I know that they were trying to save $$$ because a pool nurse would cost less than paying me overtime ( time-and-a-half plus $2 hourly weekend differential) but at least they should know that I am am-at least- reliable. I NEVER call off-especially on a weekend. I may be tardy, but I will be there.
I guess that I just felt insulted that they replaced me with a brand new nurse that doesn't know anything about my patients. I give my patients excellent care. Perhaps I am too full of myself.

The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight

I am certain the world is sick of me having a new favorite song every other week, But I really, really, like this song!
I love music, therefore I cannot help being swept up into the beauty of some songs.
My ears are constantly listening for any new music that catches my interest. I have been suffering(?) from this affliction for my entire life. And I suppose my passion for all things musical is not going to resolve anytime soon!

"hair" today-gone tomorrow?

Okay, so he title is super lame. I can't think of anything else right now.
Only in the last couple days have the boys and myself been feeling a bit better from our month-and-a-half-long cold that we've had. Actually it was two colds back to back. Sucked big time. I truly think my house needs to be disinfected after all of that!
So yesterday I decided it was just about time for Sean to have a hair cut. I could not take him to my hair cutting place since they told me once before that they don't get "hazard pay" so I made him an appt. at a place called Lollipop kids that specializes in kids. It was a wonderful experience! They had neat chairs for the kids to sit in and a TV with cartoons to watch at the hair cutting station. Also, a play area for the kids while they wait and afterwards. Best of all, the hairdressers were patient and experienced with kids so it all went very smoothly. Now Sean has a big boy hair cut and he looks so handsome.
Today we went to Mamaw's for a visit since we haven't seen her in a while. We had a great time and the boys had fun.

Mamaw told me yesterday that she hasn't been feeling as well for a while now. She told me that she is going to see her Dr. soon so I hope they can't figure it out. But I think she is just slowing down. She seemed okay to me today, but I do think my brother helps her out alot around the house and for that I am grateful.
She will be 82 tomorrow so I guess she is allowed to slow down. But I don't like to think that eventually she will die. It was difficult for me to even type that since I don't want to think about it. But David told me that I should accept the inevitable or I will have a more difficult time when she actually does go. Which I hope isn't for quite a few more years... People can't live forever. Even though I think some people, like my mamaw, should.
That is one thing, of many, that stinks about getting older. Every one else gets older, too. I even see my parents aging. I know I can't rely on them to be around forever. So, I am thankful I have my own little family, my three boys that drive me nuts-David, Seth, and Sean. I love them so much.

Lenny Kravitz - Believe

I love this song!!!!

My 5 day vacation is turning into 7 days...

Seth and Sean are still little sickies with runny noses and goopy eyes and low grade temps. Sooo, I am taking tomorrow off since they can not return to day care yet. Hopefully, Thursday-which happens to be my day off anyway!
Oh, how I miss work-can't you see the tears running down my face..
I really enjoy hanging out at home with my boys, they have been really good. And my house stays nice and clean while I'm home.
On Friday the boys went to day care and I cleaned and did tons of laundry. And went to a meeting at work.
Saturday, we took the boys to Lowe's and browsed a bit. we only spent a couple bucks but the boys love the look around that store! Then I took them to the playground in Punta Gorda.
Sunday, we went to the seafood Festival in Punta Gorda and had a very fun time-the weather was beautiful- and it was cheap entertainment!
They both started to be sick on Sunday evening, so actually I am glad I had taken the extra days off to stay home with them.
It's been a good time actually.

Dumb Facebook has me addicted!

Jennifer Dreyer's Profile Create Your Badge

I had the most bizarre dream.

I dreamt that my sister broke the news to me that little Sean was adopted-I was crushed to learn of this info. I am not quite sure why that, in the dream, I did not know that of my own child. In my dream it suddenly occurred to me that did not have any memory of his birth!
In an odd twist, I did recall my neice, Amber's birth. Because I had given birth to her and gave her to my sister to raise.
Weird. But Seth really was my child all along. No mistaking that, since he looks just like me!

Um , to anyone who is confused-I remind you that this was all a dream. I honestly DID actually produce Seth AND Sean and my sister actually DID produce my neice, Amber.

Oh, surely it is Friday the 13th..

The last friday the 13th that was truly frightening was Augest 13, 2004, the day Hurricane Charley swept through town leaving much of the town in shambles. But hey, that was a lifetime ago, it seems. So Friday the 13! doesn not bother me.
So far it's been rather lovely.
I'm off for a few days, I have the house to myself, I may just take a bubble bath in the middle of the day! Or walk around the house naked. Or jump rope. Or sing. Or anything else I can think of that I wouldn't do with other witnesses around..

One more day...

I have only one more day of work until I am off for five days. If I can make it. Today I had noticed that my unit manager has taped a face pain scale to the nurses station, you know, 1 equals no pain 10 as severe. Only this one has faces on it so you can judge a persons pain based on their facial expression. I joked we could use it to rate how well the day is going. the pain descriptions were a little different than the one shown here. My day started out "distressed" (2)when one of the student CNA's transferred a resident incorrectly and put a gash in her leg so we had to send her out for stitches. My day ended as "excruciating"(5) when one of my residents pulled out his PICC line halfway through the administration of his IV antibiotic. It was a day that I definitely felt like I deserved a raise.

Afterwards, I took Sean to the pediatrician to get a Dr. note allowing him back into day care. Of course, his eyes were as clear as could be. The Dr. ( who wasn't his regular Dr.) was more concerned about his eczema, I assured her that what she was seeing today was the best it has been in a long time, so that was the least of my worries.

I had an appointment for him to see Dr. yesterday but foolishly cancelled it when his eyes were so clear for 24 hours. Then yesterday afternoon they strated to get all goopy again-at day care- which is how I ended up having to get the Dr. note that he was okay. He was miserable at the Dr. It certainly didn't help that we waited an hour. He wanted to play with the computer in the exam room, the sink, the cotton balls, the hand soap, the garbage can, I was already exhausted froom my lovely day at work, so I was not in my greatest mood.

Anyway, skip to three hours later and you would find me relaxing in a bathtub full of bubbles that smell like lavender and my smelly candle nearby as I did the newspaper crossword. Delightful, I assure you.

Sure, it annoys me when my husband talks while he's yawning in the morning,("What the heck did you say again!?") Or blows his nose in the kitchen while I'm eating breakfast(eww)

But he lets me relax whenever I feel I need it. And boy did I need it today.

Ho hum, here's to hoping tomorrow is better that today was...

"pink" eyes ARE really pink!

I do believe that Sean has conjunctivitis. Especially in his R eye. It has a moderate amount of mucousy drainage and it is rather inflamed. Poor little guy-he just catches everything! He still on his antibiotics for his bilateral ear infections,BTW-Dr. put him on another round since his infections hadn't completely resolved.
Meanwhile, Seth hasn't ever needed any antibiotics (knock on wood). I've lost track of how many times Sean has. Damned ear infections...I guess a couple in a year isn't too horrible.
Now the eye though. Fortunately I was able to resort to my child care emergency back up plan and call my mom to watch Sean tomorrow. I figured there wasn't any way I was going to be able to sneak him into day care without them noticing the draining eye. They would take one look and say,"Hells, no!, that child needs to go on home!"
My mom is going to call the Dr. tomorrow while I am at work and try to get Sean in for Tuesday. I just hope Seth doesn't get it. It's bad enough that David said, "I think I'm going to catch it, my eyes have been really itchy" ( Remember, he lives in David World where, no matter what happens, it always comes back to him in some way, and don't ever complain to him because his life is always much worse)

Oh, he is working these days!! Hooray! Yahoo! He is doing the house remodeling thing and getting paid about $180.00 per week. Not bad. Certainly helps out alot. I am so glad that he is working-you can not even imagine the amount of stress it has relieved me of. Thank God. But two of the guys that he works with are severe alcoholics and I kind of don't like David to be too tempted, y'know. He says they influence him in a positive manner because he sees how they act and he doesn't want to be like them. And he has never, ever been one to drink liquor very much or drank in the early part of the day(to my knowledge)
But i just don't want him to pick up any worse habits than the one's he already has.

Suddenly, I am tired. I worked 16 hours yesterday and 8 today and still have 8 more tomorrow before I have a day off so I suppose I had better sleep. Sleep is good.

My poor baby Sean

The whole household is sick, I think this is the worst cold I have had in ages. We are all cough-y and stuffy and miserable. Seth's nose is running like a digusting snotty faucet and Sean's as well. Only with the addition of an extremely high fever.
This morning David took him to the Dr. where he was diagnosed with brochiolitis and bilateral ear infections. How's that for a bad day?!
So now we are giving him albuterol neb treatments and amoxicillin. Poor little kid. It' so sad to see him so sick.

I have a cold.:(

The boys seem to be adjusting to day care-actually enjoying it! But David still doesn't have work...so their time in day care will be over this week if nothing changes.I won't pay for daycare so he can sit at home alone. So tired of my rollercoaster life- up and down all the time. Blech!

And on top of it all I am catching a cold so I feel lousy. Darned daycare! The boys brought this cold home from daycare. Aww, how kind of them to share.

Wow! Daycare isn't the end of the world!

The boys seem to really be enjoying it. Well, Seth, at least. Sean is still adjusting. Today we sent him to school with Chi-chi (his stuffed chicken) and it seemed to help him a bit.
Yes, i was off work today and still sent my kids to daycare. I'm not proud. But they were only there for four hours.
I was crazy lonely at the store, I'm just not used to going shopping alone. And I dont think I like it.
David was supposed to start working full time in the day this week- but so far there hasn't been any work. He knows that he's going to have to work if the boys are going to have to go to daycare. If he doesn't have work by the end of next week-the boys are coming out of daycare. I don't need another bill. In the meantime I am going to keep David very busy.

Seth told me that a girl in his class "with a white face like brother Sean's" was very pretty but she had messy hair. (Some guys are so picky!) And another girl in his class had purple arms, purple legs and a purple face. (weird!-I'm thinking she was actually, maybe brown colored. Where did the purple come from unless he has alien girls in his class?)
He seems to have alot of fun and is making some friends. I'm glad.:)

I am the CEO of my household

How is it that men and women are the same species but actually are only compatible physically simply for reproductive purposes.? Sometimes it seems like David is going to be a Toys R US kid forever. Myself, I grew up long ago. From what I have heard from other wives is that their spouses are extraordinarily similar. Women just learn to deal.
Meanwhile I tend to wonder how men would suvive without women. Would they just live in messy houses with dirty sheets and dirty dishes piled to the ceiling? Would the socks ever make it from the floor to the laundry?
In any case, I feel like I have to be the CEO of the household, especially one with three men in it. I assure you it is hard work that I think I deserve to be paid for. And it all starts after I come home from eight hourse at a job tht I do get paid for. Sometimes I really honestly feel like everyone I see wants something from me.
Today I was entering new orders into the computer at work and this one family memeber kept bugging me with piddly requests. He states "You always look like you're busy when i come up here"
I wanted to respond , "Thats because I am, dumbass, do you think I am sitting here playing solitaire on the computer?"
I thought my eyes were going to cross from staring at the computer so long. So why am i sitting at a computer right now? No clue. I'm a foolish fool.
An overtired foolish fool. So excuse my poorly written story, my brain has shut down for the night.
until we meet again..

This computer is slooooooooow lately..

Which is exactly why I am not on it too often these days. Well, that and new episodes of House and American Idol have been on. I am such a dork..
I have alot of charting that I have to do on a regular basis so I suppose I am sick of looking at a computer screen by the time I get home from work. Work has been so ridiculously busy, some days I feel like my head will esxplode if ONE MORE PERSON bugs me while I am trying to accomplish something else. Obviously, as a nurse, I have to be able to multitask. But there comes a time when you can only do so many multi tasks at one time. And I am certainly not super nurse. And at work we have coined a phrase "compassion fatigue". Which seems to occur when you deal with extremely needy family members or patients every single freaking day.
Heartless as it may sound, sometimes a girl starts to feel numb to everyone's issues. Not important ones, of course, but petty little things. I swear it seems that some patients' family members sit at home and think up silly questions to ask the nursing staff.
I might remind you that I work in long term care where the patients are stable for the most part-so many of the issues that the familys have seem to stem from their own past guilt about their relationship with their family member/patient.
And I have never seem so much denial about disease process as I have in the last year. Families just don't seem to want to accept their 90 year old mothers dementia/ weakness/behavior issue/terminal condition.
If men dominated the nursing field, I guarantee that the pay would be far, far better.
Nurses (and CNAs) just don't get enough credit. We honestly are good caring people or we wouldn't have gone into that profession. But we are not infallable, we are human.
I think there should be a National Hug-A-Nurse Day. :) We deserve it.

Boys are good. David is good. Working a few days a week, which is really helping. We got a letter from Countrywide mortgage that they could decrease our monthly payment significantly. I faxed a bunch of financial papers and am now awaiting a response. I hope it all goes well.
I guess I should be glad that no one bought our house when they auctioned it off last month. Maybe we will be able to keep it after all.

Happy flippin' new year

I should be more sunshiny since really, things are not all bad. David has been working a couple days a week remodeling houses with this guy he knows so that's been helping with our $$ situation considerably. We applied for assistance with gifts for the boys at Christmas and got some "Toys for Tots" for them- I thought we would get one toy per kid. We got quite a few! The boys did pretty well for the holiday.
We just seem to busy around here.The fun never ends.:)

Fortune keeps smiling upon me..

That does not even make sense. But it sounded good at the time.

David and I are learning that the holidays bring out the generous nature in people. Strangers and coworkers, family and friends.
One lady at the dollar store gave me $5 one day with instructions to get Sean something special. Which I did, he got some cute farm animal toys..
My dad gave me an early Christmas present of some cash. And then told me how proud of me he was ( that meant far more than the cash).
A couple people at work gave me their Publix gift cards that was distributed through the company.
I received $140.00 from the resident gift fund at work. Not to mention I happened to win a gift basket raffled off at the holiday party!
David's mom gave us some $ for Christmas.
We received quite a decent haul of toys from the Toys for Tot's program for the boys and some food for us as well.

And today David's new boss bought us a bunch of groceries. What a shocker that was!!

I am absolutely amazed at everything that has happened. I cannot believe how much toys the boys have under the tree! And I am still floored that our kitchen cabinets are so full!!! We haven't had this much food in ages!


David has found some work. He met this very nice man who remodels houses in Cape Coral and he's been helping him out. The guy even picks him up. And David can work whatever days he can since childcare is not available every day. A couple days a week is about all we can pull off. But it really helps. We have been invited to his house tomorrow for a Christmas party thing-even the boys.
And to think I was just whining yesterday that nobody ever invited us to Christmas parties.

"I'm freezing like a chicken!"

That is what Seth proclaimed the other evening as he got out of the bath tub. I'm not sure I know why a chicken is a freezing animal. But it sounded funny as heck.
Not so funny was when we were at Wal mart and Seth looked over at a rather large woman in the aisle and stated " Mom, that is a big fat girl!"
I wanted to crawl into the floor, never to be seen again.
I apologized but thankfully she was a good sport and told him, "You're right, it's true."
She smiled and said, " It's okay, I have kids at home. I know how it is."

I am also noticing that when people ask Seth his name, he responds not only by telling him his name, ("Sef") but introduces Sean and me ( "That is my mommy, her name is Jenny, and that's brother Sean")
Sean, on the other hand, enjoys waving to people. And throwing them kisses. Oddly enough, if we are with someone that I want him to talk to he won't say a word but will say "Hi" to a stranger in the grocery store. He also says water(wa-wa), juice (joo), banana (nana), night night, mama, dada, done (du), c'mon, there you are, i see you, one, two, three, kitty, baby, phoebe (our cat), grandma, stinky, and No! ( but oddly enough, he doesn't say yes)
There are more but I cannot think of them.
He also can make cow sounds, and donkey sounds, and cat sounds. And Santa Claus sounds. He says "ho, ho, HO!" It would make the crankiest, crochety scrooge smile.

God give me strength, please.

Because I don't seem to have much left. I keep hoping things will get better but things ,instead, just seem to get worse and worse.
Our house is in foreclosure since we cannot afford to pay the mortgage with only myself working. David got a phone call a couple days ago to tell him that our house will be auctioned off on December 17th. Blech.
Of course, we are not foolish enough to be truly surprised by this but it sure would have been nice to have it happen AFTER Christmas. As it stands I am not sure how Santa is going to be able to get the boys very much of anything.
Apparently, from what I have heard, after the sale we will receive some type of notice in the mail and we will have at least 30 days from then to get out. Most likely 90 days since we have kids. Then we were hoping on using our tax return to get a rental. But with my luck the government will take it all to pay on our Small Business loan that we haven't been able to pay on...
We'll find outrselves a nice rental somewhere.
I just hope I will have some sunshine coming my way before too long. I need it.

I love this song

I am not the biggest Shinedown fan but this song (Second Chance) is absolutely beautiful. Every time I hear it I love it more. It just makes me feel good. Weird.

Merry christmas to you! Merry christmas to me!

Yes, that time of year is upon us again... Our house is lit up with Christmas lights and we finished decorating the inside tonight. Including the Christmas tree. This year we will not be getting too much in the way of gifts but we have to at least make it look good for the boys!
Besides getting all Christmassy is so much fun. I will miss all of the shopping, but I haven't done too much in the last two Christmases so I'm kind of getting used to it.
It is past my bedtime so I must retire for the night. Sleep well all.

"Hey, that's a nice dog you have there!"

Taking a walk around the block with Seth was an interesting experience, to say the least. In addition to yelling at poor elderly dog walkers he also had a comment for every single person he encountered. For example:
"What are you doing? Are you doing yardwork?"
"What's your name?" ( This question was asked of about everyone)
"Your dog likes me, I'm a kid. He likes kids"
"Do you have any kids?"
" My name is Seth and this is my mommy. Her name is Jennie"
" I love dogs!"
" What are you doing? Are you building something?"
"What are you eating?"
"You have a nice tree in your yard!"
" Hi there! What are you making?"

It was a lovely evening for a walk. And actually we ran into David and Sean taking a walk on the way home. Beautiful evening. The fresh air was nice. I am still emotionally exhausted though.

Cry baby Cry (or the world is full of lovely people)

Times are tough these days so yesterday I tried to apply for some government assistance for food or cash. While we were there we took advantage of the food pantry. Yes, I am as low as I've ever been. My pride is completely gone...
I happened to mention this to someone at work, simply complaining that I am constantly annoyed that I am never poor enough to qualify for any aid. But I am so broke it's pathetic.
She whipped out $40 for me. "You don't owe me anything." she said, "I've been there before."
I wept.
Later in the day another one of my coworkers took me aside,"This is for you" She handed me a $40 gift certificate that she hadn't used and $20. Then she gave me a hug.
And I wept again.
Then another woman met me in the hallway."This is from a group of 6 women" It was $15 gift certificate for Publix.
I wept a little more.

As I was leaving work my supervisor asked if I needed any more money. I reminded her that I had received $40 in the morning. She told me to let her know if I needed any more.
Yesterday my mom bought us a few items at the grocery store and made some pancakes for the boys.
Needless to say I am all wept out. I am feeling sorry for myself but also am deeply touched at the goodness in people.
I never wanted to be where I am right now. But one day when these lean times are over, I may come across another person who might be having a difficult time as I am now. And I will help them with what I can. Because I know that a little help can make a big difference. Not just in a financial way-but it also restores your faith in people. And that means a whole lot.


We ate well tonight. Even me.

My new guilty pleasure...

Framing Hanley- Lollipop
This is a rock cover of a rap song and the lyrics are so very dirty...but I love the song! Very catchy, just hope I don't start mindlessly singing at work...
BTW, the song doesn't even start until the 2 minute mark in the video.

Yes, my boys are handsome and no, you can't have them

Poor David was long overdue for a haircut. So we all went to the hair place Saturday so I could explain to the hairdresser how his hair should look. I am never sure why he can't do that himself, but anyway...
While we were there I thought maybe Seth could get one ,too. He actually agreed to it and watching Daddy get one , maybe, made the idea more appealing for him.
So Seth got his first big boy haircut.
He told the hairdresser that she was beautiful in the process. What a nut.
Anyway, Seth looks so handsome! Oh, and David does as well, of course!
I feel so happy when I am out with my boys all looking so sharp. I feel so proud.
Since Seth was such a good boy during his hair cut I took him for ice cream and to play at the playgound at the mall.
He's not a bad kid. He's acting more grown up all the time. My oldest baby isn't a baby anymore...

More Melancholy Musings

I am just in such a blue funk lately. I find just about everything irritating. And I just feel so sad about everything. Things that are personal : house foreclosure, bank overdrafts, bills that need to be paid but there isn't any money for them...
Even things that are happening in the world sadden me: poor economy, hordes of unemployed, ridiculous govenment people that have no idea what goes on in the real world. Large stores going bankrupt and closing stores left and right. The world seems to be in a mess. A big one.
I feel like a failure for being poor.
And I really don't have anyone to talk to. No one likes to spend time with someone feeling so blah. I understand. When I feel really good I don't want someone to bring me down. So I talk with poor David who is feeling the same as I am. I am sure I drive him nuts though.

It seems that life since Hurricane Charley four years ago has been especially trying. Life has been a bumpy road.

I do hope that something good happens before too long.

Someone recently reminded me of the story of Job, about how Satan was challenging his faith in God by taking everything good away from him and making his life miserable but good 'Ol Job hung in there, faithful as ever. And eventually he got everything back and more.

Dear God, give me something good! Anything to remind me that there's a light at the end of the tunnel!

How'd I forget to mention our pool party?

At Seth's 4 th birthday party my dad told us that he was watching a house for one of his clients that was up north for much of the year and they told him he could uses their pool anytime. Now, how a guy goes from mowing lawns to being trusted with people's homes while they are away for long periods of time baffles me. But my dad is a very professional, honest person so maybe they can tell. I don't know.
Anyway, he offered to let us use the pool. After making sure it was okay with the owners, we met him at the house last Thursday for a swim. Well, my dad didn't swim. But it was my mom, sister, neice and my boys, and myself. It was beautiful day and we all had a great time. It really was alot of fun!!! Now, my boys were a little cranky towards the end of our pool party since they were simply exhausted but that's okay because they slept very, very well that night.
My mom had brought along a lovely selection of snacks so after we swam we all ate. So it wasn't really a "pool party" but if you get some of your favorite people together and have a fun time at a pool and food is involved...doesn't that sound like a party?

Melancholy musings

There never seems to be enough money to pay everything. Even when we cut important things out (like mortgage) There STILL never is enough.
I know you are thinking,"Hey, didn't you just take a vacation to Disney?"
Why, yes I did and I assure you we all needed it. We haven't been able to take one in years and we've never done a family vacation before now. I assure you we found some great deals in order to stretch the $$$ to go.
And the whole vacation still cost us less than one months mortgage would have cost us. Believe it or not.

In any case, I have two great kids, a loving and wonderful husband, and we are all generally healthy (At least physically, ha ha)
And little did I know when I went to nursing school just how very wise my decision was. These days health care is one place you can easily find a job anywhere. Thank goodness for my good sense (yes, I do have some good sense, sometimes)

I am optimistic that once David takes the phlebotomy class he will be able to find some steady work. He has scheduled his entrance test for the vocational school already. I will have to save up $300 for the 10 week Health Core program ( a prerequisite for the class) and another $300 for the 10 week phlebotomy class after that. It will take awhile since he will be going in the evenings a few days a week. But I am grasping at some hope for the future that his learning a carreer ,especially in the health care field, will be a great benefit for us. It will be hard in the meantime.

Okay enough blahness for one evening. I should sleep. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Monty Python's Holy Grail Camelot

One of my favorite movie lines EVER!
"On second thought lets not go to camelot. It is a silly place."

For Mom

Enjoy!

I love a good party

WE had Seth's 4th birthday party today and we all had a grand time. Lots of good food, good company and the kids had tons of fun playing. I think we all will sleep well tonight. Seth got some very cool gifts: A leap frog game from Mamaw, a remote control car from grampa, sea monkeys and books from Sean and me, and webkins figures from my mom. Also my Dad's next door neighbor gave him a Lightning McQueen hoodie jacket for winter. Very cool.
Thank goodness birthdays only come once a year. I couldn't do this too often!

Sean's eczema update:

The poor kid wakes up in the night itching the heck out of his feet and arms and behind his knees. We give him his anti-itch medicine nightly but it doesn't seem to work all night. So at our Dr. follow up he took some blood ( he had to move the needle around under the skin to access the vein, yuck. I know how painful that is!) to check for some food allergies in case that is contributing to his problems. He prescribed some prednisone to help- which (I might add) has worked wonderfully, his skin looks beautiful for the moment! And we also need to consult with a dermatologist. Of course, the ped dermatologist in Sarasota does not take my insurance so I am going to have to take him to an adult dermatologist somewhere.
And he's been have not just loose, but watery stools x 1 week now. This started prior to the prednisone so that is surely not the culprit.
So now instead of waking up itching, he's waking up poopy in the night. Oh, joy of joys. Poor kid. He just can't seem to get a break!
Did I mention that his appetite hasn't seemed to be affected in the least. I assure you this kid eats enough for him and Seth. And probably a couple more kids...
Seth won't eat hardly anything. Unless it's just or dry cereal. It hasn't seemed to affect his enegy level at all..

Happy 4th birthday Seth!!!

I cannot believe I am the mother of a 4 year old. It seems like only yesterday he was a little baby...
We ate at McDonalds at lunch and he played on the playground then we went for a nice walk down a nature trail looking for bugs. A very pleasant day indeed.
The big birthday party will be this Saturday.:)

Message to mom re: beef stew.

It was superb! David and I both rated it 10 stars and David wants the recipe. Unfortunately the boys didn't get any because David and I ate it ALL. Thanks!

We're back!

And we had a delightful time! We stayed at a resort in Orlando that had two bedrooms and a kitchen so the boys had plenty of room. We spent Wednesday at the Magic Kingdom and both Seth and Sean had alot of fun. And David and me also, I should add! I am truly glad that we went. More on that tomorrow, I am exhausted! :)