Joey F.

 Joey was tall and cute. Thin build. I think he's the one who came over on his lunch break from Home Depot. He didn't have a car so he took an Uber over to my house while he was on lunch. The Uber parked across the street to wait for him. So apparently while we were having sex David called and I was talking to him at the same time. I don't remember this detail but Joey did. David thought someone was at the house and I was assuring him that there was not. At one point there was a noise and Joey got so freaked out he ran out the back door in the middle of doing stuff. I went to get him to tell him everything was okay. hen we finished. Just another crazy and horrible story.

Aftermath: Every once in awhile Joey messages me on Facebook and wants some pics or something. Then he disappears for a year. Last time I talked to him he sent a pic and he's grown out this long shaggy awful beard and it took away from his cuteness. I was sad. I told him he looked better without it. 

Derek

 Oh no, I can't remember this guy. I wanna say he had dark hair. But I'm not so sure. Shame on me.

MJ

 I remember MJ. I talked to him for awhile before we met. He was nice. Honestly, most of the guys were nice. I remember MJ was very..um well endowed. We had sex twice. Second time was painful for me. I just wanted him to finish up. Yeah, there is such thing as too big in case you were wondering. I didn't want to meet him again. It wasn't even pleasurable for me. 

Aftermath: We kept in touch on Snapchat for a little while until David blocked him for some reason. 

Michael

 Who the F is Michael? I can't even remember him. You know, I wish I would have written more noted about each guy so I could jog my memory. I'm sure he was lovely. 

Matt M.

 What? Another Matt? Yes indeed. It was a popular name I guess for guys born in the 90s. 

At this time I was working at The End Zone, a sports bar in Englewood. I was serving tables part time and I quite liked it. It was a fun atmosphere and it was easy work. The hardest thing was serving trays of drinks. I liked when people ordered pitchers of beer because it was easy. We served lots of pizza and wings, so it wasn't high dining by any means but I had always wanted to be a server at that kind of place. The End Zone is also where I met Philip. He was working there as a cook. Trust me, he's has a big part in my story. More about him to come.

 I was also working at Publix at the same time. I was working in the deli for like 12 bucks an hour for the second time in my life. I worked with some great people but, honestly, I hated working in a grocery store. I didn't like it when I was a teenager and I didn't like it now. I was, admittedly, terrible at it. It was easy work but I just hated it and I was cranky about it. I would have been better in a position that I didn't have to do as much customer service. But the food was good! I really do miss the Publix hot food station. They had some kickin soups. I'm really hungry right now so all I can think about is how good the Publix hot food was. 

Anyway, back to Matt M. After working at my serving job I met up with Matt. He got in my car and we went off to my favorite park. On the way we saw two huge wild hogs rooting in the dirt in the middle of the highway. It was such a weird sight! I'll never forget it. Matt was super nice and easy to talk to. We got along very well and at the park we just kept talking and talking until I realized I was running out of time. Then we hopped in the back and did our thing. Matt was a good time. He was very tall and light brown hair and a slight beard. Very nice looking guy. Then I brought him back and we said goodbye. 

Aftermath: Matt is still on my Snapchat and we exchange pics sometimes. We talk about that day and wished there could have been another like it. 

Devin

 Devin is the youngest guy on my list. I was hesitant about hooking up with anyone younger than 20 but then I thought, well 19 isn't bad. So I had quite a few 19 year olds but 18? Nah, way too young. By this time I was probably 39 or 40 so that's a twenty year age difference. That's just wrong. I mean, 18 is close to 17. Right? And that's just breaking the law. But fuck, here I am this is a true story. Sometimes I just can't help myself.  

And that's where Devin enters my life. 18. Shame on me. But I did what I did and I was glad. Devin had a girl but he decided to meet me anyway. He met me at my work after I finished my shift and we took a ride to my favorite park where we had sex in the back seat. Now I was not expecting very much from a guy so young because I had been learning that guys that are in their later 20s are usually better than younger guys because..experience, obviously. But Devin was an amazing kisser and he was pretty great at having sex as well. This guy knew what he was doing. I came four times. I've never had multiple orgasms in my life with anyone else ever. I'm not making that up. Only with Devin. Maybe his perfect dick was just perfectly made for my body. Perhaps he's just that good. But I was shocked and amazed and will never forget him for that. He wasn't supposed to meet me the first time but he chanced it and met me again. As soon as I got in the car he grabs me to kiss me. It was like crazy passion. Amazing. The second time I came multiple times just like the first. 

So I have to put Devin at the top of my list of people I enjoyed having sex with. Sorry, guys but the multiple orgasms clinched the top spot. And the kissing. But mostly the first thing. And who would have thought an 18 year old would impress me so much? I am flummoxed. I took a chance at an adorable blond teenager and was rewarded for my efforts.

Aftermath: After I moved to New Hampshire he contacted me and we talked on video chat. He showed me a little something and I positioned the phone on top of the toilet so he could watch me shower.  He ended up getting caught sending me texts by his ( understandably) jealous girlfriend and I was blocked. Recently I went on a different Facebook account and sent him a message apologizing for getting him in trouble. He and his girl are very happy and he's being good now. But he said he would read my blog because he wanted to know what I have to say about the times we met. So Hi Devin! I know you're out there. Thank you for rocking my world. I won't forget you. Don't forget me.

Tyler King continued..

 If you look at the beginning of my list you will see a post about Tyler. So I have written all about him already but I'm using this as a placeholder to keep my list in order. I really wish I knew how he was. Or where he is. I mean, of all the guys on my list I was with Tyler the most. We met 12 times over a period of months. Once or twice a week and I was exclusive with him during that time. Except for David. Obviously. I really liked him which is why I wonder about him so much. 

I still remember being kicked in my front yard closing my eyes and wishing Tyler would come save me. 

I wonder if he thinks of me. I hope he has a beautiful, sweet girl and they are happy. 

Matt K.

Matt has the most beautiful eyes. They are like a bluish greenish color. Dark hair. Nice looking guy. We had sex on my couch because he felt like it wasn't right to do it in my bed because that's where my husband sleeps. Fine with me. We had a good time and he had good things to say. We only met up once though.

Aftermath: He's still on my Snapchat and we talk every now and then and we send each other pictures regularly. He's a good guy.

Chris R.

 Wow, this is number 54. I feel a little trashy. But I had so much fun meeting all of these guys. And having sex with them. Maybe there's something wrong with my brain because I really enjoyed that lifestyle and I would continue it if I was allowed. I feel almost stifled that I cannot be more open about my sexual desires. I should be ashamed and feel guilty. I wish David would let me have a side guy that's 25. I think it would be beneficial to David as well. I mean, when I was off doing all of these guys, I made sure David was happy, too. In the bed at least. I suppress my sex drive. Like there's this wild side of me that wants so badly to go meet guys still. While I can. And while I still have some looks to me. And they have to be younger. I can't stand being so good all the time. I would love a nice polyamorous situation. So I could keep David and have my other men, too.  I don't want to get rid of David. I never do. He's my BFF after all. We've been through so much together. Good and bad. But I wish he would allow me some freedom to be with the other men. 

That's not likely though. 

By the time I met Chris I was working at the End Zone as a server. I might have been working at Publix also. I was working at both places at the same time because they were both part time jobs. I've learned that I am lousy at every job that isn't a nursing job. 

Chris showed up on a crotch rocket from Fort Myers. He was super nice. But very, very muscular. He made me feel bad about my body by being so muscular. Not his fault. We had okay sex. But I remember he tried to fist me I think. It sure felt like it. I was on my hand and knees on my bed and I said ouch that kinda hurts, whatever you're doing. You know vaginas are only so big, why would a guy try to even do that?  

Chris really liked me though. Like he said he would actually date me. And when David had sent angry messages on my Snapchat telling the people on there that he was kicking me out and asking who will take me Chris was one who actually responded that he would take me and the boys to live with him if I got kicked out. So props to Chris, a genuinely nice guy. But I told him he wasn't my type because he was too muscley. So we stopped talking.

Aftermath: he's still on my Snapchat and responded to a pic I posted on Snap a few days ago. We don't talk or anything though.

Matthew

 I met Matthew on Whisper. I should have learned to stay away from Whisper by this point because I've had bad luck finding attractive men there but I tried once more. But I got lucky, Matthew was hot. And he had a very nice body. He was muscular but not too much. Fit, I suppose. He was travelling with a car show or boat show in Sarasota, I think. He would help do the set up and stuff. This show travelled around the country and he was just in my area for a few days. He was very good in bed. Damn, that body was nice. And he's the only man I've ever been with that had a Prince Albert piercing. I only noticed afterward so I couldn't determine if it felt any different. I thought it was pretty sexy actually. Matthew looked great naked. 

Aftermath: never heard from him again. 

Logan

 You know what? I can't remember the slightest thing about Logan. I even have his last name and I looked him up to jog my memory and I can't find him. I'm sure he was a good time. My memory just can't remember so many lovely young men. 

Aftermath: You guessed it. Never heard from him.

Ryan

 Oh Ryan. I liked Ryan. He was cute and he was pretty fun. I think he wanted an exclusive thing with me but it was so hard to get him to come over. My problem was that guys always wanted to hang at night. Nights were not good for me. I had the house to myself in the daytime so that's when I wanted them to come over! Sometimes I was able to make arrangements for after work but then we had to use the back seat. I mean, my car backseat has seen it's share of action I assure you. If cops had to check my back seat for DNA who knows what they would find. A list. Because I am a bad person. 

Moving on. Ryan. We hooked up only twice but we would have liked more. One time he had his friend drive him over and his friend waited in the car in the driveway while I snuck Ryan in my  bedroom window. I told Ryan he better not think that his friend is getting any, too. And he assured me that no way was he going to share. He was a good time. I wonder what happened to him.

Aftermath: Never heard from him again. 

Hunter K.

Hey look it's another Hunter! There's only two I promise. They were both very different. This Hunter, like the last one, I matched on Tinder. He was hot. I thought so. So Hunter shows up at my house with a big SUV and I hop in. I figured we would park at a nature park nearby. I discovered it once when I was looking to wander through nature trails. This park wasn't too far from me and wasn't very busy except for occasional kayakers that took a different drive way to the water. The parking lot was hidden from the busy road so the only people that would see us were people coming to the park. Just kayakers. Nobody actually walked this nature trail it seemed. So it was a good spot. 

So Hunter looked young. Very good looking but clean shaven. I told him that. He actually showed me his ID to prove he was actually 24. Then I felt a little bit better. We went to the park and did our thing and I came home. We had a good time and he tried to hit me up again another time but I was on my period and he didn't want to do it. Eh, some guys do care, and some guys don't care. Most of the time they didn't  care. Turns out he was friends with another guy I matched with on Tinder and they talked about maybe a threesome that never came to happen. I'm not sure if I would've felt okay with that. When it gets to things like that it's best if it's people you trust, you know? 

I saw Hunter again at the Pearl in Englewood one night. I was sitting outside with David and Hunter walks up and I'm checking him out while he checks me out. He says, "Today's my birthday." so I smile and wish him a happy birthday.  I think by this point David realizes that I know this guy. And he wasn't happy I was flirting with Hunter. So David says something about it and goes inside pissed. And Hunter looks at me through the window wanting me to message him. And he did the next day. But we weren't able to get together for some reason. I would have. 

David is my number one cockblocker. 

Aftermath: Hunter unadded me on Snapchat after that next day and I wasn't able to contact him to get together another time. Oh well. I never heard from him again. But his friend is still on my Instagram.

" And no religion, too"🎵

 You probably could have guessed that I don't follow any religion. I stopped years ago. I tried to do everything properly for years. I tried to be "good" and when I wasn't good enough I felt the guilt that let me know I wasn't good enough. I prayed regularly. I prayed when things were horrible and I had no money. I prayed when times were tough. I prayed when things seemed low. But nothing ever seemed any better. And I didn't feel better. I felt like whatever god had abandoned me when I needed help. And then I looked around and I saw all the horrible things throughout the world and wondered what kind of god would permit that? What kind of god would permit innocent children and babies die at the hands of abuse? And WTF is up with childhood cancers? What sick god thought that up? And did this same god look away during the Holocaust? All my life church says that Jesus is coming back soon but isn't 2000 years enough time? And why doesn't he show himself or prove himself then? All the miracles in the bible but yet not one in thousands of years. 

Maybe because it's all made up by men. The bible is an elaborate work of fiction to support a religion. A religion like so many others. I was raised that Christianity was the one proper religion. But maybe it's Hinduism or Muslim, or Sikh, or Judaism. Seriously most major religions are all worshipping the same one god really. The god of Abraham. It's all the same guys! It just has different traditions. And how many people throughout history have been killed because of religion. They have been fighting in the middle east since time began. You all need to get your shit together and forget it all. Just be Humanists. Be good to each other and live a life of peace and harmony without any deity or weird traditions to get in the way. 

Can you imagine? No televangelists scamming people out of their last few dollars. No bizarre cults trying to prey on the weak minded. No fighting over which god is better. No brainwashing children. No child marriages. And no religion to hold back science and progression in society. Nobody telling me that my daughter is anything but a wonderful person. Because anyone that has hate for a sweet 17 year old transgender girl is not a part of any loving religion.

We'll never get rid of greed but there are plenty of people that claim they are religious that have plenty of greed and evil. And people believe their lies because they claim to be religious. That doesn't mean anything. My dad used to judge people based on whether they were a Christian or not. I've found it doesn't say much about an individual. There are good and bad ones. 

When I realized religion didn't add up for me it was if a huge weight was lifted from my chest. All that guilt over not being perfect enough was gone. I just have to live to be a decent person for me. But it's okay to have fun. It's okay to enjoy life. I'm not perfect and I don't want to be and that's okay. I have a good heart and I love my little family and I don't have to make anyone happy but them. I don't have to spend my life being good enough for a god somewhere out in the universe. 

I can enjoy my life because this is the only one I'll even have. I believe after I die, I'm gone from the world. So I'm going to get the most out of this life. 

Besides, the idea of my ancestors watching down on me always creeped me out.

How am I doing today?

I'm going to jump forward into 2021 for a minute. I read back at some of these posts and many of them are talking about financial troubles. Why was I in such a financial mess? I wonder why? I think I was having too much money taken out for benefits and I didn't know any better. I didn't know anything about managing money so I just opted for the best family plan for insurance. I think that took a huge cut of it. Thank you USA!!!!! Fuck you USA and your health insurance nightmare making people broke. Single payer is where it's at. Then it wouldn't have eaten up my entire paycheck and left me poor for half my life. Anyway. I only have David and I on my insurance here and the boys and Jackie have NH healthy families Medicaid. If it weren't for that I'd be broke now, too. 

I'm glad that I'm able to live and survive and make sure we have what we need now. The bills are all paid and we never are late on our rent. I never have to worry if today is the day we are going to be evicted from our house. Let me tell you that's a horrible feeling. It's a constant feeling of being unsettled. I try not to ever take it for granted that we have a house of our own. We've been here for quite awhile but I still love that feeling of knowing that I have an actual place to live to keep my family safe and warm. 

This is a picture of Josh when we went for our snow walk yesterday. He was taking a snow nap. Could I love this kid any more? We had so much fun and we laughed a lot. At one point we were walking and I had my arm around his shoulder and he had his arm around my waist and I was just so happy. He is just a happy, happy kid and I hope he always stays that way. He seems to have survived the last few years ok. 

This is the view down the road that I took while Josh was taking his snow nap. I wanted to get the mountains in the background. The snow is so beautiful.

I never thought I would be a mom to a transgender daughter but here I am. 🏳️‍⚧️ This morning as I was making Jackie's bed looking at her rainbow flag in the corner, I thought about all the stories of gay and trans people who have come out to their families only to be kicked out of their houses or disowned by their families and I can't imagine how a family could do that to their own child. How can you raise and love a child only to disown them due to their sexual orientation or gender orientation? I just can't imagine doing that. When Jackie came out to me I felt fear for her, fear that she would experience hatred and bullying. But that's it. I love her just the same as I always did. And I always will. I will stick up for my daughter until the end of my days. 

Elliot and Gnatty. Two peas in a pod. The stars of our household. Big fat Elliot and little Gnatty. We all love them so much. Silly kitties. I'm saying this as I smell one had a stinky poop in the next room. gross.

Darrell

 Ugh Darrell. This is my bottom of the stinkin barrel. I'm cringing. This was another Whisper story. He started chatting with me and I don't even know what I was thinking. Maybe I was just screwing anything I could find  because Darrell was so goofy and he was awkward and bad in bed and just unpleasant. I just couldn't stand being around him. But he came over four times. Because I couldn't say no. He was nice. And he acted like a kid, he was so awkward. I'm still cringing. He was unattractive and he couldn't kiss for shit. Ugh. There were so many people that I would rather have been with but he was always so readily available. So I would say , " Fuck, why not?" 

Aftermath: Like Chris P.,  Darrell kept messaging me over and over but I wouldn't respond and I finally had the guts to unadd him on my Snapchat so he'd leave me alone. I am a jerk. 

Gary

 This is funny. Gary was another Whisper story, he was married but I didn't care. It's not my business. He and I chatted on Whisper and decided to hang out one day, we were going to go to Englewood beach. I don't even think I knew what he looked like. And Gary was a weird looking guy, he was tall and skinny. He had no lips, a big nose that kinda hooked down a little and buggy eyes. He was so odd looking that if you passed by him at the store you would take notice. But I decided to go along with him anyway. 

So we went to the beach and he was very fun to hang with. We had a great time at the beach just swimming around and talking about all kinds of shit. So I guess that's what I liked about him. That's why he had a wife. Gary was weird looking but he was super easy to chill with and a great conversationalist. I mean we had tons to talk about the entire time we were out. Not one time was there any awkward moments where we didn't have anything to say. Even when we got back to the house, more talking. Until I said, "hey, um, do ya wanna go in there?" and pointed to the bedroom. Maybe that wasn't even his intent. I don't know. But we did. 

He met me one other time after work also. So I hooked up with him twice. And apparently his wife found out and I got a bunch of weird messages from her. Then David did. I guess she thought she would find an ally in David and somehow found his Facebook  and started messaging him-waaaay after Gary and I did our thing. David was on my side. By that time he just thought she was some crazy girl like, " Um sorry about your husband, stop messaging me"  They did end up divorcing. I don't know if I was a part in that or if their marriage was going down the tubes in the first place. Like I said, not my business. 

Aftermath: Never heard from him.

Chris P

 Around this time I discovered an app called Whisper. People post their secrets anonymously and other people can comments on them. You can use it to find people that are near your location as well, within 50 miles or 10 miles, etc. So some people use it to find drugs or hookups as well. I was using it just to post silly secrets. I didn't need it for hookups but sometimes Tinder runs dry, you swipe through the same people over and over and over if you've been on it long enough. I could easily match any guy I wanted but I had already hooked up with all the guys worth looking at and all that were left were goofy fucks so I needed something new. I started chatting with Whisper guys and I will admit to you now that these were not my proudest moments. Whisper doesn't show pictures of people on their profiles so goofy fucks have an advantage here. The guys that go on Whisper to hookup are not super models. They are not hot and they don't have great bodies. Like I said, not my proudest moments.

I started chatting with Chris on Whisper and he seemed really nice and we got along very well. He even sent me a picture and he had lovely very light blue eyes but it was difficult to make out the rest of him in the picture. Turns out Chris was a little overweight. Not my usual cup of tea but I had sex with him anyway. He lived right down the road so he ended coming over like four times. He sweated a lot. It was gross.

 His mother ran the daycare that Joshua was in that was right down the road. Which was Christian themed. So that was pretty funny. 

Aftermath: He tried to keep contacting me but I finally just stopped responding and I think he got the message without me having to come out and say, " Leave me alone." I hate to be a jerk. 

Matt

 Oh look! Another Matt. He was 19 and adorable as can be. He was in college and would stay with his parents in Englewood when he was on vacation. I would go over there when his parents weren't home and do him. I really enjoyed making out with Matt, excellent kisser. He really was a good time.  We hooked up a couple times. Third time I went downtown and he finished before I got to have any fun. I was pissed and I let him know it. Looking back I was really mean to him. He wanted me to come over again and I refused to hook up with him again. He really kinda begged saying that he didn't mean to finish, it was because I was so good at it and it was an accident. And I believe him. He was a sweet guy.

But while trying to check Facebook to see how he was these days I stumbled across a page dedicated to his recovery. Apparently in 2019 he sustained a traumatic brain injury while playing basketball and required extensive therapy to regain all his functional skills. So now I feel extra shitty. Because he really was a sweet guy. I really hope he's doing well. 

Aftermath: No further contact from him after I was mean to him. I was a bitch. 

Jeremy

 Jeremy lived in North Port and was about cute as can be. First time I went over there I texted and texted and then I went home, turns out he fell asleep! Who TF falls asleep when I am coming over to bone you? Geez louise. Second time he wasn't asleep. All went well. Damn he was fit and was nice to look at. Jeremy was delicious. And had the cutest smile. awww. Oh yeah, the sex was good too. 

Aftermath: He's on my Snapchat but he unadded me long ago.