Sean's a roller now!

He can roll from back to his belly. Now that he can he wants to roll all the time, even in the bath. It sure is a pain in the butt to wash a kid who keeps trying to roll out of his tub.
He sure is a happy guy though. And cute as a button, even if he has two chins and looks like the Michelin man. He's going to catch up with Seth pretty soon. I joked with David that we should put him on Good Start Lite formula! Do they make low fat baby food? I'm totally kidding, I know he needs all that nutrition. And if he's anything like Seth he will become more proportioned once he's up and crawling.

I still haven't spoken to my mom. Apparently my sister isn't allowed over there either per Mom's husband. I guess he made a derogatory comment to my mom and my sister had to defend her. He kicked her out of the house.
It's odd that my mom didn't stand up for Fonda though. It's all weird. What's going on with her? David questioned that at well when I told him the story.
Maybe mom is enjoying some alone time to rest and take care of herself for once? I can't believe that she wouldn't want Fonda and I (and the grandkids!) out of her life?

David is working now. A couple weeks ago he got a job at my work washing dishes in the evening. Not big bucks, but it's something for now. And the hours work perfectly for us. I work 7-3 and he works 4:30 to 8ish. If I pick up any doubles I just have to give the list to the kitchen supervisor and she won't schedule him on that day.

I am feeling better lately. I am glad to enjoy my days again.

Envy

I envy alot of people. I am not proud of this but I look at others and think, " She's so pretty" or " Her hair is so nice and straight and shiny",etc. I've been this way for ages, I am never completely happy with myself and my life. Lately it's more like, " She's has such a good job, I bet she doesn't have to worrry about her bills" or " It must be nice to be able to order lunch every day, I wish I could do that". Or especially, " She seems so together and confident, why can't I be more like that?"
But then a lady at work told me that she envied me.
She asked ," How does it feel to be envied?"
I never in a million years thought anyone would envy me. She has a college education and a good job but she married later in life and never had children. It puts things in perspective for me. Some of the most special things in life cannot be bought or sold. Like family.
Sometimes I feel like selling Seth to the circus though. LOL :)

My dysfunctional life

The following is copied and pasted from a message board I belong to. I posted it late Wednesday 6-12-07. I felt it was significant enough to include in my blog but I just couldn't type all of that, I even left mispellings and punctuation errors. Even re-reading it is very upsetting to me and I still feel like I want to throw up:

"Please no flaming because that is the last thing I need.I was at the mall today and Seth ran away from the play area, I had to chase him but in the process I left Sean in the stroller at the play area. I shouldn't have left him but i wasn't thiking I just wanted to catch Seth before he got out of sight-he moves very fast.Anyway I asked my mom for advice about how to stop this behavior- running away, not listening, talking back, etc. He has been actiing up lately. First off, my mom says I "fucked up" and she would have slapped me for leaving the stroller( ok I deserved that) but then she says that Seth is acting out because we don't give him enough attention and that we are bad parents and we give all the attention to Sean But wait-I am a bad parent to Sean too because I put him on my grandma's bed for a nap the other day and he could have fallen off. (he doesn't roll yet and he's not even close) She says David doesn't pay any attention to Seth while I'm at work because she came over one day and he had a very soggy diaper on. She says that Seth is ALWAYS good for HER even though he fights me to get changed, get dressed, brush his teeth, etc. I am also a bad mom because I told him he was a bad boy at my mom's because he dumped out all of the fish food into the fish tank. Then she says that I should pack him up and she will come get him tomorrow and I shouldn't fight her about the matter. I also might add that she was obviously drunk during this entire conversation. I am so scared she is actually going to try to take him tomorrow and I am doing a double shift so I have warned David not to let her in. I know that even if she called HRS about me they wouldn't let het take him considering she gets drunk daily and she is on disability. But David and I are under alot of stress with him being unemployed and our financial situation.Do you think I should be worried? I am so scared I feel like I want to throw up."

Now I am fortunate that nothing has come of this issue since that day. She hasn't called and certainly hasn't shown up at my house to take my son away from me. I am hoping that it was simply alcohol talking. For many years I have been just trying to avoid my mom when she drinks in the evening and it hasn't been any issue. If I don't really see her that way then I don't have to deal with it. But when she threatens to take my boy I think it's a big problem.
Now my husband enjoys his beer as well. But he's down to two beers a day. By far better than what he used to drink once upon a time. But we also can't afford it either so it's forcing him to cut down ( one of the very few positive things that has come out of us being poor lately) I am proud of him for it.
But( and this is no excuse) David always tolerated his alcohol very well. I cannot even tell when he has been drinking unless it was an excessive amount ( which is once or twice a year)I always remind him to make sure he eats something and paces himself-drinking water inbetween beers as well. And he has taken all of my advice since he loves me. I know I cannot expect him to quit.
My mom cannot handle her alcohol. She turns into a different person. Sometimes argumentative and she always slurs. It makes me very sad.

I know I will not get any brownie points from anyone for writing all of this but I am just so tired of holding it all in. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it except my grandmother.
I am hoping this all blows over. I know my sons love me very much. They are very happy and Seth is very active and social. He loves to laugh and give hugs and kiss boo boos. If David and I were such bad parents I am sure Seth wouldn't be so well adjusted. He will just have to adjust to sharing his parents with his new brother. There is no way around it.

I never thought I would live such a dysfunctional life.

Just breathe

Inhale deeply and let it out slow. When I start to feel very anxious I have to remind myself to do this to calm myself. Or my chest starts to feel very tight and sore. Sometimes I will hyperventilate.
I think I am stronger than I think I am, but it is very frustrating when other people don't help a little. We have to work together sometimes in this life to get ahead. It's no fun to give up things that you enjoy. I know it but it's neccesary. I really think in a couple months things will be a little better but it's hard right now.
I had the cable switched to basic limited with a few family channels. I threatened to turn off the internet but that went over like a ton of bricks.
I just want to save some money for a couple months, not forever, geez!
Why am I the only one making sacrifices?
Even when I am fully rested I still feel tired. My back and shoulders are so tense they ache constantly. I feel so edgy most of the time. I'm tired of it.

Happy birthday to me!

Yes, I am now 30 years old. I spent much of yesterday feeling rather blah and sad about it but after I went to my grandmother's in the evening for dinner-I felt so much better. The food was wonderful and the company was even better. All of my family was there, it was just what I needed to stop me from feeling sorry for myself. My dad got me a tandem stroller for the boys, my sister got me a book and a gift card to Old Navy, Mamaw gave me $30, and my mom is going to take me and Seth to breakfast on Tuesday. I made out well. I can't wait to try out the stroller but I simply did not feel up to going anyewhere today.
Afterward Heather and her sis, Stephanie, watched the boys while David and I went out to have a couple drinks. We had a great time and then came home and chatted with Heather and Stephanie until 2AM. My brother, Sean showed up as well when he got off of work and hung out.
So I saw everyone in my family yesterday. It made for a pretty good day.
It was also my brother-in-law, Jason's birthday ,too. But he's one year younger than me. Every year I am very glad to share my birthday with him. It makes the day a little bit more special, I think. His daughter ( my neice) Amber's birthday was last Friday so birthday's are quite prevalent this time of year. We went to my sister's father-in-law's house for dinner and we all had a good time-I might add both boys slept excellently that night.

I had hoped I would be in a better financial position my my 30th birthday but it was not to be. I am healthy, as is my sons. I have a great family and a good job. A wonderful husband. If I only had financial security everything would be-dare I say-perfect? I just don't want to worry about the bills anymore. I'll get there someday.

I survived my double shift

Damn, I felt like hell when I got home though. My legs and feet were very achy. Of course, my first double shift in years happened to fall on the same day that the state surveyors show up. It's super annoying when I am trying to pass my meds out and the surveyor wants to ask me questions about every resident on the stinkin' hall. Especially on a hallway that I'm not used to so I only know the basics about them. The 3-11 CNAs are morons so that didn't make my day any easier. One of them was trying to tell me that one lady's catheter came off in quite broken English. I simply said "I don't know what you are trying to say, she never HAD a catheter" Apparently her colostomy appliance was overflowing and making a mess so she had to remove it and this CNA wanted me to put on a new one. You don't have to be a brain surgeon to know the difference from a colostomy and a catheter..scary.
The overtime pay will make it all worthwhile though. Next paycheck will have 3 overtime days on it so that should be pretty nice.
David brought Sean into work at my lunchtime since I wouldn't have a chance to see him in a whole day so that was nice. Seth went to my mom's for a few hours so David could get a break. It's wonderful to have so much support from my family. I don't know what I would do without them. That includes you Fonda! :)
David opted not to stay with the other restaurant job so he got a job at my work. It's only about 4 hours in the evenings a few days a week but it's something. He passed the drug test so now we are just waiting for his background check and then they will call with his hours. Of course, his background is clean so we should get a call in the next couple days.
My dad is getting me a double stroller for my birthday on Friday! I am ridiculously excited about this. I even dreamt about it last night. Jewelry? Flowers? I could care less. I'd rather have a gift card so that I could buy stuff for my boys. That includes David, yes he is one my boys.

Thank goodness Sean is easy to please.

Because everything else in my life requires so much effort!
Seth has the energy of five 2 year olds. He's happy as can be but I am too worn out to play all day.
I am working and working as much as I can so I can make a big fat paycheck so I can pay all of my bills. Tomorrow I have signed up for a double shift- 7AM to 11 PM. What a looong day it will be. I am not thrilled but it's a bit of a neccesity these days. I don't even care if neccesity is spelled incorrectly, bleh.
I am trying to keep my sanity as my 30th birthday approaches. I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I wish I could postpone my 30th until next year.

If I was rich and famous I think I would check myself into one of those rehab centers the stars go to when they need to recover from " exhaustion". Boy, that would be nice.

About Sean-he is the easiest baby ever! He goes to sleep easily and sleeps very well. He is content to sit in his bouncy seat or swing and watch the worl go by. When he does get a little fussy, he is usually hungry. Give him a bottle and he will suck it down like you wouldn't believe. But he is by no means lethargic or sleepy. He is extremely alert and loves to watch everything going on around him. He loves to smile-he does it alot. When you tickle his chin he will get a huge grin and sometimes he will squeal, especially when David is doing it.
He's a good boy.

I think I might see the light...

There is merely a small glimmer in the distance but I think I am closer to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. David has a job! He received a call from a local restaurant wanting him to come in today to talk and they put him right to work! He is working 5-10 today and both weekend days as well. Yes, he is washing dishes, but he's making money now and that's what really counts. It won't be his career of choice forever, just for now until something better comes along..which may not be until "season" starts in the fall.

In other news.....
Florida is burning down!!!!!!
At least it smells like it outside. There has been a nasty haze outside all day and the smell of forest fire is absolutely horrible! I have my house closed up and I still smell it from time to time. Seth wanted to go outside this evening and I definitely didn't want him out there breathing in all the smoke. Yuck!
Apparently hundreds of acres of land near Lake Okeechobee is (or was)on fire and since I live right east of there the lovely wind is carrying the smoke right to us. Damn, it's awful.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

I like to think that there is but far too often I find that the future seems bleak and quite dim. Yes, sometimes I laugh and almost feel normal but I mostly just feel like I am suffering from extreme anxiety. Especially if I have a chance to be alone and think for a couple minutes. I have a battle going on in my head between rational thought and my overwhelming emotions. I don't like it.
My sons give me hope and I truly wish I could provide for them in a manner that they deserve. I have contacted my mortgage provider and submitted paperwork and information about my sistuation in hopes that i can get some type of help. If they let me skip a payment or let me pay a smaller payment for a month or two it would be a huge help.
I have spoken to the dietary manager at work about getting David a position as a dishwasher or cook. He said for David to fill out an application and for me to give him my husband's name so he can look for the application. It's low pay, but better than no pay. David is also going to a restaurant tommorow to talk to someone about another job. We'll see what happens. Hopefully something good.
There is also less than two weeks until my 30th birthday. Nothing like the big 3-0 to kick me when I am already down. Now I'm old AND poor. Bleh.

Window shopping

It's the only kind of shopping I can afford to do thses days. Seth and I decided to spend some time at the mall today and after he played at the playground a little I had to gaze longingly at the clothes in Old Navy wishing I had a credit card to max. My clothes are all too small and I am sure I look trashy wearing them. I keep losing weight but I am still about 10 lbs. over what I weighed when I got pregnant.
Seth and David both need some new shoes. Seth needs some new PJs and maybe a couple new shirts. I need new shirts and shorts. I do believe that Sean is okay in the clothing department right now thanks to Seth's hand-me-downs. I really need to get my family suited up. Sucks being poor.
On the positive side I am now down to 131.5 lbs. I have lost three pounds this week. I guess overwhelming stress is good for something! I spent so much time at 135-137 and now I have gone down so drastically (for me) in such a short period of time. I don't think I want to go back to 117-my face was too angular and skinny at that weight. I think I want to get to 122-125lbs. range.
David filled out 14 applications in the last couple days. At every place from Toys R Us to TGI Fridays to Footlocker. He has seen a couple job openings for flooring but right now he needs evening work so he can be home with the boys in the day- so day time hours are out. I really hope that he gets a call from somebody.

I am a loser

warning- more venting!

I can't stand being poor. And I REALLY can't stand asking for help from my family. Especially since they aren't exactly wealthy themselves. I hate myself this way and I can just imagine what others are thinking of me. I am sure my family is sick of me and my venting.
My whole life I thought I was better than this. I never thought my husband would be unemployed. I feel like the poor white trash that I hoped I wouldn't ever be. And I feel sad that I brought two beautiful little boys into this world and I can barely provide for them. I feel like I am drowning more and more everyday, with every final notice that I receive, with every call from a creditor, with every time that I dig $0.50 in nickels out of my car so I can buy a soda at work. I even attempted to apply for WIC benefits today to help out only to learn that I make $6 too much in a month. I simply cannot win!!
I just want to explode sometimes from the tension I experience every day. I constantly feel like I am on the edge of an anxiety attack and find that I cry at the drop of a hat because I am feeling so overwhelmed.
I just don't feel like I can take it anymore. It's all too much for me. I never thought I would ever feel this low again. If it weren't for my boys, I think I would just run far, far away so I wouldn't have to face all of the family and friends that I have disappointed. I have humiliated myself and made a mess and i am working my hardest to get back on my feet but, damn it, why won't anyone hire my husband!! I can't do it all by myself. I'm just not that strong.

Ugh! The terrible twos

Seth has been driving me nuts lately! He does not want to cooperate with anything. If we go out in public I have to have him in the stroller or shopping cart because if he walks he will run away from me and ignore me when i call him. He fights with me when I dress or change him. He constantly unmakes all the beds in the house and throws the pillows on the floor. I had to take away his crayons because he would much rather draw on the walls or on his toys than his coloring book. He begs for food and then when he gets it he takes a bite and the rest is crumbled on the floor. I put his food in bowls and give him a fork but he just dumps it out and eats it with his hands. He whines and gets mad when he is obviously exhausted but refuses to nap. He runs everywhere!! It almost seems like his constant goal is to make a mess, a big one! I cannot figure out where I went wrong, he is still a nice,friendly kid and plays well with others but how come he's so destructive all the time? Why doesn't he LISTEN when I say "no!" or "stop that!" I know he can hear me. Is he destined to be a bad kid? Is it just the "terrible" twos?
So far Sean is the easiest baby ever. He is absolutely NOTHING like Seth was. I think God figured we had enough on our hands with Seth, so he'd better give us a break with this one! I am very glad he decided to spare us this time! Two Seths would be enough to drive anyone crazy!
Sean goes to sleep very easily. He only wakes once in the night these days. He's easy to entertain and is a very happy baby. He likes his bouncy seat, his swing, or simply just to lie anywhere near Mama or Dada. He loves to eat. He smiles and squeals easily. He's a delight to be around and cute as a button.
Now if only Seth could learn how to calm down a little...

134!!

I finally got down to 134lbs! It's not the goal by any means but it's the lightest I've weighed since probably sometimes last fall. It seemed like I was stuck at 135lbs. for the longest time.
Stress has completely destroyed my appetite. Honestly, it's the best diet ever. Well, that and a little touch of the Norovirus (stomach flu) that has been spreading throught the nursing home like wild fire lately. I'm not sure if the nausea I experienced the other day was stress or flu. Who cares!! I weigh 134!
I want to lose 10 more pounds and then I will be content. And hopefully fit into all of my clothing again. Next paycheck I am going to get a few summer outfits. You know, shorts and T-shirts, nothing fancy..Old Navy if I can catch a sale.:)

Will the stress ever end?

Warning: this is a vent post...
My anxiety is a at level higher than I have experienced in quite a while. I hate being the only breadwinner. It's a horrible thing knowing my family is relying on me, and only me, for a paycheck. I try to work so hard but find that I am getting worn down. I am tired constantly but at night when it's time to sleep I would rather stay awake a little to enjoy the quiet. Goodness knows it's the only quiet I get.
I get irritable with the boys for wanting my attention (Seth, mostly) because I want to be left alone for a few minutes when I get home but then I feel so guilty once he goes to bed and I stare down at his peaceful, adorable sleeping face thinking about what a horrible parent I am and that he deserves better.
David has filled out several applications but no responses yet. I'm glad he's home with the boys but it's just not helping me pay the bills. I still owe bills from last month. I feel like I'm drowning.
Sometimes I feel like I could just explode with all of the anxiety I feel every day. I cry because I feel so overwhelmed with life and Seth looks at me and says " Are you okay, mama?" I love him so much.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can take it anymore. But I don't have any other options. I have to be strong. Thank God that I have such supportive family and friends.

I love my hair, but hate myself.

My hair turned out really well. I had it dyed my usual reddish but got blond highlights throughout. Looks very cool, I think.
Why do I hate myself then? Well, simply because my hair cost more than I had anticipated. I won't even write what I spent. I feel super guilty because i keep thinking I should have spent the money wiser. I can't do anything about it now.

On a different note, David has turned in a few more applications. In the meantime, he was approved for unemployment. Only $69 a week, but hey that's better than what he is bringing home right now. At least it's enough for half a tank of gas and some formula and diapers.

I feel so much guilt

I have been working my butt off lately, working extra days, staying late, anything to make a few extra bucks until things are caught up. Lately, I look in the mirror and feel so blah. So Wednesday I decided that I think I deserve to go have my hair trimmed and dyed and get some highlights done. So I made an appointment before I lost my nerve.
But, of course, I feel so guilty because I know I should spend my money on a bill or groceries, etc. But another part of my brain insists that I deserve it since I am working so much..besides I could consider it a Mother's Day present to myself to to get pampered a bit and get a professional hairdo. It's not like it's something I do often! Right?
I find myself getting so excited about getting my hair done tomorrow, but feeling so guilty at the same time.
We will see how it turns out tomorrow!

My little bro is 21 and I'm the one with the hangover

His birthday was yesterday. We had a little party at my mom's house in the afternoon and then we went out to have a few drinks. My sister and I really wanted to go out with Sean and Heather and some of their friends but, of course, I haven't gotten paid yet so she said she'd buy me a couple beers at the Celtic Ray. I brought the boys home and David tucked them in. Then off we went. Sean's friends are great company and Fonda and I also saw Melissa there as well. We had such a great time..but I was very thankful that Fonda was driving. Fonda and I spent her 21st birthday together in Fort Myers Beach and then we spent Sean's with him. So I guess it is sort of a tradition.
I was feeling rather rough this morning though! So I was just going through the motions for the first couple hours of work. I don't think I want to drink again for a little while! I just can't tolerate it like I did in my young days.

Sean is very smiley

My little guy smiles alot, and he's cooing quite frequently as well. If we tickle his chin with a blanket he smiles. My mom and I notice if we talk about food he smiles and coos also. Yes, I know it's probably just the tone of our voices and our smile while we are talking that makes him smile but it's so silly to go on and on about pork roasts, london broils, and turkey legs and watch him coo and coo like he really knows what we are talking about.
This kid is getting huge! All he wants to do is eat. Last Dr. appt. he was 12 1/2 lbs. and 23 inches long. Not enormous but he is certainly larger than Seth was as the same age. I totally think that Sean is going to be bigger than his older brother at full height!
Sean is sleeping very well also. He only wakes once a night and usually is about 4-5 AM. He has pretty good neck control and can lift part of his chest up of the ground when laying on his belly.
He's calling me so I'd better go feed him again!

Few things in life feel better..

That having no debt and all of your bills paid. Unfortunately, it has been far too long since I experienced that but I am remaining confident that one day it will occur! Probably around the time that hell freezes over. :)
Only a couple more days until I get paid. According to my calculations my gross amount should be around $1500 but with taxes and insurance taken out I will most likely bring home a little over $1000. Pretty sad, huh? And I worked very hard for two weeks to make that. I'm guessing I will never make it onto Forbes list of top moneymakers!
Doesn't it seem odd that it costs so ridiculously much to live in Florida but the pay is horribly low? Fot the same job up north I could make quite a bit more AND have much better benefits, AND the cost of living isn't too much higher than here. AND the weather would be nicer, I might add. I'd have to have the money to move my whole family with me though. The hard part would be leaving them, because let's face it, without them I would not be where I am today. Who knows? I may not still exist at this point. But thanks to their support I am here, and thanks to their financial support my boys have been able to eat for the last month. Of course, everyone is getting paid back. Don't get me wrong, no one gave me free money.

Finally, a day off!

It seems like ages since I have had a day off but really it's only been 5 days. I don't know how Mon-Fri workers do it! I am certainly not used to a schedule like this.
I am counting down to pay day..only 8 more days until I can pay some bills. I am so afraid that things are going to get shut off in the meantime. David is going to call the utilities and electric to see if we can get an extention because of our circumstances and check into unemployment since he isn't getting any responses from the applications he's put out.
Man, I despise Walter on so many different levels. He regularly insulted David at work and refused to accept any creative input from David at band practice, always threatening to fire him if he disagreed or argued. Always putting David down until he felt like a second rate peon and developed stomach issues related to extreme stress. If you ask me, it sounded like David was in an emotionally abusive relationship with his so-called " friend". I know because I was in one once. I don't know why Walt felt the need to treat David this way but I am glad that it is over. David has a tendency to be too nice at times and I don't appreciate when people take advantage of his kind nature. Sometimes I want to stick up for him and tell off people that "jokingly" call him names or play jokes on him. He laughs it off but I don't.

I do know that David is an awesome stay at home dad. He makes sure the boys are clean and fed and happy. Little Sean always smiles when he sees Daddy. And Seth asks where Dad is any time we go anyplace without David. Did I mention that David picks up the house and cleans the dishes, too. AND makes dinner for me.
I may not have married a wealthy man but I married a man rich with love.