2 year old + painting a room = frustration for all

I have this horrible fear that this baby isn't going to wait until it's due date and nothing will be ready in time. So therefore I have gone into near panic mode, I need to have everything ready and set for when the time comes. Unfortunately, limited finances have made this a slow process. The only really big thing I need is a crib, but really, I do have a cradle that the baby can sleep in until I get one. So it's not like the baby won't have somewhere to sleep. It just feels like a nursery isn't complete without a crib.
About the painting though. We are painting two walls across from each other green with ivory stripes and the other two walls will simply be ivory.Attempting to paint with Seth around is a horrid nightmare!! He wants to " help" paint, but he wants to paint ivory on the green walls and vice versa and himself in the process *sigh* And if just one of us is in the room with it locked he fusses and fusses to get in. And even trying to organize the baby things with him around is difficult. He keeps insisting " open it" or " have it".
He hasn't been listening to us lately and has been extra crabby. I am wondering if he is more aware of this whole new baby thing than we know. Maybe he is already starting to get upset with the whole idea of having competition for Mom and Dad's attention. Sometimes he seems to be far more observant that we give him credit for so I wouldn't be so surprised. Poor little guy. He won't be my only little boy anymore.
David isn't very motivated at all. He has a hard time understanding that my due date is March 2. He claims that since this child was conceived June 9 that the due date should be March 9 instead. I tried to explain that it is calculated in weeks , 40 to be exact, which is really 10 months of pregnancy and that includes two weeks BEFORE conception because pregnancy is dated by last menstrual period.
That just confused him more.

34 week OB update

I am up to 155lbs. so I am gaining more and more and more. I need to put the brakes on this nonsense and start eating salads for lunch instead of quarter pounders!! My BP is good, urine neg, fetal HB is great. Baby is moving around all the time. The Dr. stated that the head is down now, she placed my fingers down near my pubic bone and told me that I was feeling the baby's head. I felt something but my untrained fingers couldn't tell a baby head from a full bladder!
At least now I know why I have to urinate every half hour though! The head is probably compressing my bladder to the size of a thimble.:)
She was going to do my group B strep test this week or next but I reminded her that I was positive last time so she said we could skip the test and they will give me antibiotics during labor anyway, since I most likely am still a carrier. I do have to schedule my last U/S in the next couple weeks, my mom is going to go with me and bring Seth along so he can see the baby.
I will be going every week now until the end. I can't believe it's almost here!!!!! A little scary actually.
I have been having alot of pelvic discomfort lately, in the back and especially in my pubic bone area. ( Again, easily explained by the baby's head down position) Alot of pressure as well. Very annoying. My mom is predicting that I won't make it to my due date and her husband is predicting Feb. 19. I don't know what I think. Seth made it to his due date and I would have gone past if I wasn't induced so I am not thinking I will go early.

We are in the process of painting the nursery. Then we will shampoo the carpet and we will be able to set up the furniture. What little furniture we have, of course. I have a glider chair and a changing table and a swing.I just need a set of drawers and a crib. Wow! I can't believe it's almost time!!!!

Good fortune occurs when you least expect it

I haven't ever been the most religious person around. I believe in God but I don't attend church nor do I pray often. Somehow He has been good to me all of these years, maybe I have a guardian angel or perhaps just a bit of luck.
This week has been super tight as far as finances go. I mean we are talking about $25 until Friday tight. But we received a check in the mail today from our mortgage company today for $248! Apparently our escrow account had a surplus...AND as of March 1st our mortgage payment will be reduced from $821.00 to $755.00!! Every little bit counts, you know.
See what I mean about guardian angels and luck? You may think I'm crazy, but I truly believe someone upstairs is looking out for me.:)

Florida winters are ridiculous!

Today it was in the high 80s with the heat index. I was so very hot! I would LOVE a few days in the snow , I'd probably strip my clothes right off and run around in the cold. Ok , not really. But I bet that would be refreshing!!!

Another bump in the road...

Of course, will it ever end? And my mom wonders why I'm such a nutcase these days.
David has a slow work week (again) next week. So I paid the mortgage with my most recent pay check and the next one I would like to get back on track and pay it early. How am I going to pay all of the other crap that's due, you ask? Good question. I have about $600 bills due for the rest of the month..not including credit cards. My credit card is majorly over limit due to late fees and interest and the minimum due is $ 522.00!!! I think I am going to have to suck it up and take it to a credit counseling agency because the interest and fees are eating me alive!!!
I was hoping that I could pay the rest of the bills with the paychecks David recieves in the next couple weeks but if they are slow I am out of luck. David says that we could get caught up with our tax return but i had to remind him that the tax return will need to keep us going for the 3 months I am out of work because I may not get my short term disability check until near the end of my leave.
Oddly enough I feel better having written all of that, sort of like i have transferred my worries onto someone elses shoulders, even though I haven't.
At least while David is out of work he can clean the baby room and prepare it for furniture. He gets awfully irritable when I nag him about it and financial issues but I need to remember that he is probably more stressed out than me. It's not HIS fault his work is slow and he is well aware that it's the worst time for this to happen. He wants to be the good provider that takes care of his family but things aren't seeming to work out this way.
I would like to have the room clear and ready for my baby shower stuff on Saturday. I need somewhere to put my stuff and set up the swing and all. If I don't have a crib yet it's okay since I will be getting the cradle back from my sis and baby will be sleeping in that at first anyway.
I need to get a set of drawers to put the baby clothes in. I suppose that I could always use a couple of Seth's empty drawers in his room for now. So the furniture will be a little sparse..eh, it's small room anyway.

I always like to think that God won't ever give you something you can't handle, but i am a little more sensitive to my surroundings than most. I like to think God knows that. But I also think that God may not be too pleased with me, I still blame him for things that go wrong. David consistently reminds me that I shouldn't do that. I rarely bring myself to pray because I am so bitter over the circumstances in my own life. I seem to think I am special and that I deserve better and wonder why I am being punished after I have worked so hard to get where I am. Did I not work hard enough? Is it because I am a moody and anxious person? I suppose God made me that way and he doesn't make mistakes , does he?
Has He given up on me? Is it because I wonder how some people are born into extreme wealth and don't have to lift a finger and they aren't good people? How is that fair when I struggle? I guess I feel like I want to give up at times.
God has given me a wonderful family and if you could survive on love I would be in excellent shape. I have the most adorable, sweet kid ever ( don't know how that happened!) A husband that thinks I am the hottest woman ever even when I am big, pregnant and stretchmarked. He always says the right thing. And a family that would do anything for each other. Even when we tend to get on each other's nerves at times!
I guess that I do have wealth of some sort, but I sure wish it would help me pay the bills.

If anyone out there finished this entire entry, I apologize wholeheartedly for my ramblings. But thank you for taking your time. Maybe say a prayer for me. :)

He's just a little guy:(

While we were at the playground today Seth was running around saying" hi!" to all of the other kids ( and their moms too) He happened to really like this other boy that was around the same size as him, his mom said that he was 18 months old! Seth is about 27 months old and was the same size as this little boy. So I look up all of the growth charts and all and I see that he is in the 10-25% for weight and 25% for height, and that's just barely. He is 25lbs. and 34 inches. Just a little guy.:( I worry about this. But the Dr. said in October that Seth has always been on the small side so he's consistent. And that even a kid in the 25% averages at about 5'8" at full height.
I guess Seth will be little like us, I was hoping that he would get tall genes from my dad's side of the family. I am 5'5" and David is 5'6" and neither of us have ever been heavy, actually in our younger years we were both a little underweight. Oh, well. I just don't want him to be the shortest kid in the class when he gets to school, you know?
Otherwise he's developing quite normally talking , running, climbing, and his social skills are excellent. Now if I could just get him to stop using the bottle!! He adamantly refuses to drink from any other type of cup, he throws it down and won't have anything to do with it. I don't want him to end up dehydrated!

Seth loves Soundgarden??

As we were cruising along listening to my Soundgarden CD I looked back and Seth is bopping away to it. Now, he does this most anytime he hears music at home but it's usually songs on his TV shows, not Soundgarden of all things. Weird, but he does try to sing along to my Hinder and Killers CDs. Not sure if that's a good thing come to think of it.
But I just can't bring myself to listen to kid's music in the car. Nope, can't do it.
I brought the car in for repairs this morning. I ended up with a Ford Focus rental, piece of crap if you ask me. My car is far better kept up and much nicer on the inside and outside. I wasn't ever foolish enough to believe that my Chevy Cobalt was a luxury car or anything but next to the thing I'm driving today it may as well be. The Focus is quite basic and boring..and automatic. My Cobalt is so much better, at least it's only for a couple days.

It's all coming together..

This weekend David worked very, very hard. He cleaned and painted the garage, AND he moved all the furniture into the garage from the future baby room. So now everything is set up in the garage and it's actually quite nice and homey. We have to let the other room air out a bit and David is going to get some carpet remnants somewhere so we can have some new carpet in there. Then I will just need to fix it up and set up the baby stuff. I need to get the cradle from my sister and some time in the next 7 weeks we will get a crib. I have a swing and stroller and changing table and well, the basics. But I will be getting some stuff at my baby shower on the 27th. I love to have less to worry about.
David's work is picking up beginning this next week so we will have some money again!!! Yay!!! I think it's going to be a-okay.

My flippin' vanity is a horrible thing!

I don't like being big, granted I'm not overweight, I am pregnant but I would much rather be normal again. My feet ache because I weigh so much and my back aches due to my big belly and supersize boobs. I feel so slow and heavy at all times.
I like to be thin and energetic so I can run and play with my son. So I can out in public and feel good about myself and look healthy. And ,of course, I like to feel like I look good when I go places. Instead of thinking that I look like an enormous blob.
I want my energy back.

33 week appt.

Everything is normal. I weigh 150 and my BP is 100/68. I told the ARNP about my lingering anxiety following the accident and the excessive Braxton-Hicks contractions I was having afterwards as well.As long as the baby is still moving all around she wasn't worried.
My back is still a bit tender in areas but it doesn't consistently hurt.
The damage to my car is estimated to cost $750.00. I am going to drop it off next wed. and pick it up the following day. I also will be getting a rental car-hopefully something cool.


The picture is of David and Seth watching "The Lord of the Rings" last night. I think I will keep them both, they are awfully cute!

Car crash

Today Seth and I had lunch at Mamaw's house. We had a lovely time and Seth and I were quite worn down. On the way home I thought I would take the long way in hopes that Seth would fall asleep in the car and take a short nap, since he refuses to nap like normal kids. Anyway, the traffic on Midway was horrible, the cars were backed up for quite a ways at the stop light, eh, I wasn't in a hurry so no big deal. After sitting in traffic for a couple minutes I felt a sudden bump from behind. Blech, I'd been hit!
First thing I did was look in the back seat at Seth..well, he was happy as can be, obviously not injured. He didn't even realize what happened.
So I get out of the car and start having a lovely anxiety attack, meanwhile I was getting some wicked Braxton-Hicks contractions. They seemed to continue quite frequently for an hour afterward as well.
The guy who hit me tried to play down the damage, but I informed him that it was a lease car and I needed to have ANY damage repaired. My bumper was very scraped up and slightly dented. We also noticed later that the pressure from hitting the center of the bumper had slightly displaced the bumper on either side where it meets the rest of the car.
Anyway I told the guy I needed to call the police, but first I called my husband because I was having such an anxiety issue that I couldn't seem to think straight. He arrived very quickly , the police arrived 15 minutes after I called. David was very helpful calling my insurance for advice and helping with Seth and was very supportive in calming me down.
I did notice that by the time the officer had completed the accident report I was having alot of pain in my L lower back. I did call my Dr. when i got home to inform her but she only advised me to take some Tylenol. My back is feeling better now but it's still tender in that one area and I feel awfully stiff. The anxiety attack took alot out of my though, I was still feeling very anxious through the evening and still am actually. Hopefully I will be better in the morning.
The other driver was cited for careless driving and I have already filed my claim with his insurance company.
I need to sleep now, I've had enough excitement for one day....

The purpose of this blog..

There are two reasons that I blog, and I am not sure if I have written this before so please pardon me if I have.
1. I like to document my life. How I feel during my pregnancy, new and cute things that Seth does and even how I overcome obstacles I encounter in my life. Sometimes I like to read my old blog entries just for my enjoyment.
2. Years ago when I was diagnosed with severe depression a therapist advised me to write down my emotions to help me deal with them. I find that writing how I feel is extraordinarily therapeutic for me. For example, if I am feeling sad or angry, or especially depressed, I find if I write down how I am feeling and why, I can get it off of my chest and I feel better. It really works and is cheaper than a therapist!

I have been rather whiny in the past few weeks and that's because I had been very irritable with the holidays and finances, heck maybe it was hormones or even the moon phase, I don't know. But as soon as the holidays were over I began to feel myself again.
So when I make negative comments here about family, work ,or the price of rice in China..most likely it's because I am irritated at that moment. Not necessarily that I hate everyone. Trust me, if I kept it all bottled up..THEN we would have a problem!
I notice myself that I tend to blog far more often in times of distress than in times of happiness, and #2 above explains why.

Yes, I know this is a public blog and I am not worried about that because, you see, I haven't any secrets. I don't have a dark or questionable past and certainly nothing to hide. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of anything I have done. And though I haven't been proud of every decision I have made, I don't regret anything I have done because all of those decisions eventually brought me to where I am now and made me the person I am now. And it's not the worst life a girl could have..not by a long shot. I have worked long and hard to get where I am and every morning I wake up and I respect myself for that.

Whew, thank goodness it over!!!!!

All of the holidays that is. I am feeling better already now that all that crap is over and done with, now I can get on with my life and get back to normal!!!
It feels as if a huge weight is off of my shoulders and it's not because I suddenly came into money or that I aquired a bigger house. Everything is the same, just now I don't have the pressure on me to purchase Christmas gifts that I can't afford or to celebrate holidays ( like New Years) that aren't anything I care to celebrate. Whoo hoo another year, probably quite similar to the 29 that preceded it. It's hard to get too thrilled when you can't drink. Sad, eh?
David has cleared and cleaned the garage. He's really working hard to ensure that we can move the computer and all out there and get the baby's room ready. That's the fun part for me. 2 months and counting!!!
Kick, kick, kick. That's all I seem to feel these days. I must admit I truly dislike the rib kicks, those are bloody painful!! But I try to tell myself to enjoy it while it lasts because this is the last time I will be pregnant. No more babies for me! David will be getting a vasectomy about 6 months after this one is born. I *think* he might be having some second thoughts though because he really wants a girl but I am quite sure I won't be changing mine about shutting down the baby making machine.
If not I will suggest to him that HE carry the child and endure all of this back pain, constipation and super-size boobs ( though he'd probably enjoy those,LOL) Oh, And then HE can stay at home for the first three months while I go off to work and then I will tell him that I cannot get up with the baby in the night beacuse I have to go to work in the morning. And I have to pass medications to people and that, of course, is very important so I must have a well rested brain in order to do so.
It is now time for Seth to eat. Geez, I'm so flipping uncomfortable! I am at 32 weeks now that, for all idiots, is 8 months. I wish my abdomen was longer because I'm not quite sure where else this baby is going to go. I'm simply running out of room!
Actually isn't it interesting when you think about how much extra a pregnant woman can carry inside her and not rupture? At the end there is an average 7-8 lb. baby in there along with the enlarged uterus and extra fluids, don't forget all of the usual organs are still in there . What must it look like inside an abdomen outside of pregnancy, you'd think there must be a bunch of empty space. Just a thought, a very random one.

Happy new year's eve

I am doubtful I will be awake to ring in the new year. I have to work early in the morning. I don't feel much like a party anyway. I am so worried about this next baby. How are we going to manage? How am I going to handle two kids? Will my mom be able to watch the both of them when i go back to work or am I going to have to try to arrange child care which will be twice as expensive? If we can hardly pay our bills on time now how will we manage when I am out of work for three months? I'm wondering if this wasn't the best idea, I'm so scared.
When we planned this David was making more money but David's boss cut his pay and now things are more difficult. I just want to cry all the time because I have no idea how we will survive. I wanted two kids but don't know how it's all going to work. I just don't know what we are going to do.

drunken people ..

are idiots. When you are pregnant and need help with something people feel bad for you and ,usually, are very willing to give you a hand. Well, when you are simply a drunken idiot no one is going to help you..especially your pregnant wife.

Christmas and all that jazz..

It was an unseasonably warm and humid day. I must admit I was feeling quite miserable and blah on Christmas, who wouldn't when it's stormy and hot outside. Gross. Christmas in Florida is horrible, even more so when you are pregnant and the temperature feels extremely warm inside and outside and it feels soo good to wander into a walk in freezer. Actually it's been years since I wandered into a walk in freezer but these days I just wish I had one I could hang out in sometimes. One day I hope and pray I will get enough nerve to move away from this horrible state and live somewhere with real seasons. Yes, my friend, Florida is a joke. Why do I live here you ask? I was born here and all of my family lives in this town so it's a bit difficult to break away. I'm not like all the other looneys here that chose to move here. ( David being one of them , but family issues were involved)
Anyway we first ended up my grandma's house where David, Seth and I ate breakfast and opened lots of gifts. My Dad, sis, bro-in-law, brother, neice, and of course, Heather ( Sean's g-friend) were all there. David and I were rather tired so we weren't too festive. We had a nice time I suppose. Oh, my mom was there as well. All in all it was a bit boring.
Afterwards we went to David's mom's house where we had a boring time as well and then i took David home and visited at mom's for a bit.
Maybe it's because of my pregnancy and my general winter blahs that I have been experiencing that created such a dull Christmas. I was actually glad when it was all over with.
David got me a Scooba though and I was very pleased with this. It is a robotic floor cleaning device and I couldn't have gotten it at a better time. I simply cannot get down and scrub the floors these days and it does excellent work. Seth got alot of toys and books, of course.

December 27 was my 30 week OB appt. Of course, everything was normal. I had only gained 1 lb since my last appt. two weeks ago and for that I was thrilled!! I'm glad I am not gaining as rapidly as I was before. Baby is kicking and stretching all the time. Sometimes it can get quite painful when those little body parts are stretching into my ribs. Lately my appetite has dropped to almost nothing! I eat simply because I have to more than for hunger, I have to sleep with two pillows because my heartburn and stomach bothers me when I lie down. I am also very slow and my endurance continues to be very poor. My feet hurt alot and my back still aches.
I think I am beginning some depression though and I am going to start my Zoloft at the new year.
I've been feeling very irritable and sad. I've been feeling very sorry for myself and I need to calm down and cheer up! I hate feeling so down. I really wish i didn't feel like I have an on going battle with mental illness. How I wish I could be normal. Damned genetics!!! Why is it that anxiety and depression are so prevalent in my blood line. Is poor Seth doomed to a life of antidepressants?? I guess only the future will show. I just hope he has an easier time than I have had.

Bah..Humbug!

I'm miserable and I am completely aware that it is all my fault. I am so extremely broke. I can't afford Christmas stuff, heck I can't afford to pay my damn bills. How am I going to afford to be out of work for three months? How am i going to afford two kids? Why was a such a slacker in high school? Why couldn't I have a wealthy family that could send me to college? I couldn't afford it and now I am stuck being pathetically poor forever. Why did i think that we could have another child? Why didn't I realize how difficult this will make my life? How am i going to afford child care for two kids? Why am I such an idiot?

My most recent appointement..

It was this past Wednesday. Everything was normal, like usual. Heart rate was good. My weight is 147 lbs. meaning I have gained a grand total of 30 lbs!!! That was a little scary, but David says it's all beauty. What a fruitcake. I love him though.
My glucose test and hemoglobin results were normal, as I expected. I am feeling quite large and slow and by the end of the day I usually have a back ache. My feet begin to hurt if I am on them too long and I am started to get occasional kicks in the ribs which are very unpleasant. I also am still battling constipation problems so I think I may up my Fibercon to twice a day. I am drinking plenty of water so that isn't the issue!
It is becoming more and more difficulty to pick seth up and carrying him is almost impossible. I can't tell if he is heavier or I am just weaker. David suspects it's a little of both. :) David tries to help out alot, anything that I ask of him he does. He is good to me, but I wish i could do more without having to rely on others. I don't like having limitations. At least it will be over before I know it. I remember how great of a feeling it was the day after i gave birth to Seth that i felt so light on my feet i wanted to float in the air! there's nothing like losing 15lbs. or so in a day. i was still a bit overweight after as well but I sure did feel good! Body and crotch pain and all.. Yeah, I wasn't fun having to sit on a pillow for a few days since my vagina felt like..well.. like i had given birth. It hadn't experienced that trauma before. Oh, my poor vagina, i promise that i will only do this to you once more. :)

Christmas stinks...

Not the reason for Christmas, of course, but the excessive spending that goes along with it. I love to shop for others, don't get me wrong, but this year money is tight. Very tight..and I am quite annoyed by this fact. Actually for some reason, this month seems worse than others, but there isn't any reason for it. We haven't made any large purchases and our bills are the same as always.
I am so envious when i see other people out shopping for so many nice things and I realize i can't. David and i are still paying on credit cards from last year so we certainly don't want to use them. I am feeling quite pathetic and yes, I am felling sorry for myself as well. I don't like that.
david and I have worked very hard for what we have and I think we are good, decent people but we just can't ever get ahead. Then you have peopl like my sister that dropped out of high school, got a GED, never held a decent job for any significant amount of time, even spent years at a time without a job, for no reason, and she always had anything. Somehow everything ended up going her way. She can stay home with her daughter and spend like mad without even caring about it. Her husband isn't rich either..I don't know how it works.
Then my brother ,who barely graduated from high school, can't hold a job either, dropped out of the Navy because he couldn't handle it but always gets everything he wants. People just keep giving him money and buying his stuff and he doesn't have a motivated bone in his body. Why?
I suppose this is where someone would say, "At least you have say you've accomplished something in your life without being supported by others. " or " At least you can respect yourself and know that others respect you as well" But respect doesn't pay the bills, my friend.
I'm still resentful that my parents decided to divorce the morning of my high school graduation, bleh. I wonder if they knew it would be the only legitimate graduation that any of their kids would have if they would have treated it as such an unimportant occasion. Yes, I probably require some therapy to iron out some of these issues, but that costs money.
I am due to have a baby in a few mere months, and i am starting to panic at the thought of losing my paycheck for 3 months. I can only hope that our tax return will help us out during that time. I simply don't know how we are going to manage, but I know I cannot return to work sooner than 3 months time. I will be far too tired. Maybe, just maybe I will be able to collect my short term disability. I certainly hope so. I'm not scared about having a new baby, especially now that I know I can keep a child alive for over 2 years ( and longer) I have proven to myself that i can do it. I just don't know how the finances will work out. When we planned this baby our finances were a little better sorted out so it wasn't so much of an issue then. I am thinking maybe take out a ridiculous loan or something to pay off our credit cards and maybe our one loan so we would have one payment to make instead of three. I really would like to get rid of those high interest credit cards...Damned credit cards...
i'm feeling better now having gotten this all off of my chest.

What a busy, Christmas-y day!

The Christmas parade in Punta Gorda was at noon. It lasted a couple hours and the weather was mildly warm with a bit of a breeze. Seth enjoyed all of the floats and had to say "hi!" to everyone!!! Apparently I received quite a sunburn on my shoulders ahd didn't even realize it. Oh, well! Then this eveniing we went ot see the lighted boat parade, we stopped at the beginning point and saw a few but we wanted to see them all! so went to Punta Gorda again so we could wait for the boats to come by but it got too late and we left without seeing them.
We saw a few people we knew though and it was nice to get out. We are all exhausted and ready to sleep, hence the boring nature of this specific blog entry. :)
I am going to sleep well tonight!