Zachary S.

 Zachary was a server at Longhorn Steakhouse in Port Charlotte much to David's dismay. David wanted to try that place and we were never able to since I hooked up with a server from there. 

Anyway, back in 2017 when I met Zachary we couldn't afford to go out to eat anyway. I was working at The Pink Elephant making 10 bucks and hour and David was working out on Palm Island or was it Grand Villa by this point? Neither David nor I were having great luck with jobs. I had gotten fired from Palm Island for starting some drama with a coworker and taking a picture of myself in a unit and posting it on Facebook and David got fired from the same place, well they accused him of bringing beer to work or drinking on the job or something. Funny thing is that he worked with a guy who was a legit alcoholic who would drink all day long, and they never said a word to that guy. They just wanted a reason to fire David. Maybe for leaving work in the middle of the day to catch me meeting guys. David was obsessed with catching me in the act. He was constantly logging into my Snapchat on his phone, trying to find out where I was. He probably lost a few jobs due to his obsession with me.

So, thankfully, Zachary lived in North Port so I didn't have to go far! I finally found someone local. I was nervous pulling up to his house. I always was. I mean, you don't really know what kind of situation you are going to find yourself in when you are hooking up with Tinder guys. They might seem nice through text but in person they could be totally different. But that is what I loved about it! The uncertainty and the mystery. The making plans with strangers, even the sneaking around. The adrenaline rush was amazing! That's why I did all this. For the adrenaline rush. I like to say I am dopamine deficient and adrenaline feels like a dopamine release ( I just read that online, so it must be true) so addicts look for that pleasurable feeling and this was how I got my kicks without drugs.

I was so glad that Zachary was super nice and friendly right away. He brought me to his bedroom and I remember sitting on the bed next to him talking for a bit before either of us made the first move. But once we got started we didn't stop. For and hour and a half. We did everything and anything. This position and that position and moved all different ways. I could hardly breathe by the time we were done. I do a lot of mouth breathing during sex so I ran out of air. Holy crap. We were so sweaty and sticky and messy. Wow. We were a mess by the time we finished. Zachary was so much fun! Then he got me a drink of water which I needed very badly. And we sat and talked a while just calming down from our sex marathon while we drank our water. Then we took turns in the shower to wash up. Then I got dressed and went home. I definitely rate Zachary a 10. We had a blast. He impressed me for a 26 year old. I later discovered I lost my nose piercing in his bed, I wonder if he ever found it.

Aftermath: Unfortunately I never heard from him again. At the time this happened David was really cracking down on my Snapchat and was doing a fair amount of deleting guys so I wonder if Zachary was deleted or blocked by David. 😒 David was my #1 cockblocker. 

Tom

 By the time I met Tom I was living at my dad's house. We had been evicted from the house in Rotonda because we couldn't afford it and lost all our belongings, books, furniture, everything. We still look for things now and when we can't find them wonder if we lost them in the eviction. They weren't able to pile our stuff at the roadside for us to go through so they donated or recycled everything. I tried going to the local thrift stores but never found any of our stuff. I was mostly concerned about our books. We had so many good books. And all the boys stuffed animals, gone. And their toys, too. It's hard to start over from nothing. My dad was more or less pissed off that we were living at his house so the tension you could cut with a knife. And David and I were having issues because I kept meeting guys.  And I was depressed and miserable about my situation and I couldn't even do drugs about it because I had to stay clean for my program so that's why I was screwing around. 

Tom's picture on Tinder was only his body so I took a risk with it. Many times, after him, I learned that usually means they are ugly. But I was a rookie at this point. So Tom and I had been talking off and on, sexting usually. He had a girlfriend so he would send messages at odd times. One afternoon I was hanging at home alone and he messaged me about meeting up. I said I would love to but it really sucks that I'm on my period. He's like aren't girl's more horny on their period? or something like that. He said he didn't mind. He's had sex with girls on their period before. So I agreed to meet him. I was so nervous thinking that it was David trying to set me up to catch me cheating, so Tom sent me a picture of himself driving to ease my mind. 

I met him some place in South Punta Gorda and I was so glad to discover that Tom looked really good! The only reason he didn't show his face on Tinder was because he had a girlfriend, definitely not because he was unattractive. We walked a ways along a sidewalk along an access road and then ended up ducking behind a barbed wire fence trying to find a secluded place behind some bushes or some trees. I mean we were desperate. We finally found a place and we stood there facing each other and he was so nervous, it was cute. I had to kiss him first. But once I got him started it was all good from there. I got right down on my knees in the dirt and gave him a BJ. And then I stood up pulled my pants down and bent over right there behind the bushes on the side of the road while he fucked me from the back. And I loved it. When we were finished and I tried my best to put myself all back together, I saw what a mess I had made of this poor guy. His dick and groin area were covered in blood! I was mortified. And I felt horrible for him. I apologized profusely and I told him that I could clean him off at my car because I have some paper towels. But he didn't take me up on my offer. He was ok with it. But I thought at least I won't see him again right? I was wrong

The next time we met Tom told me about an old closed Sweet Bay supermarket parking lot that we could go to. He said we could meet and park in the back. I got there and Tom was ready to go. He hopped in my car and we had the hottest sweatiest quickie. Damn it was sweet. And he kisses so good. And then off he went. I still to this day know very little about Tom. Maybe his name isn't even Tom, he never gave me a straight answer about that. He works as a security guard and he has a girlfriend and he is in an unhappy relationship. And he told me not to get attached.

Last time I met Tom I was out with David, we were going to go behind the closed Sweet Bay store where we were going to do nefarious things but Tom called while we were on the way there, so David let me have the quickie with Tom. David took a walk while Tom drove over. Tom was nervous David was around but he was long gone by this point. Tom was already hard when he got in the car. He was ready for me. It was hot, and it was quick. And he was gone. And I never saw Tom again. Not that he wouldn't love to see me. Tom was a cool guy and the sex was superb. 

Aftermath: Tom and I never lost contact. He still sends me messages and dick pics almost every day. I just send him nudes regularly and he always tells me how hot I am and I appreciate the compliments. I probably don't respond to his messages like I should but he always just wants to know when I'll be coming back to Florida and he likes to tell me how much he came to my pictures that I sent. Four years later and he still likes to reminisce about our few hook ups. I guess I made an impression on this 25 year/old guy. 

Chris

 I was hanging with my friend Jen and she said she would cover for me if I wanted to go somewhere, so I took her up on it.  

Chris and I had been talking a for a couple days, he had a girlfriend so he could only talk at certain times but he wanted to meet up. I went over to his apartment and first of all, Chris was very good looking, I was very happy with what I saw. But he answered the door in a yeti suit. Like a furry yeti suit with ears and stuff but he had the top part down around his waist so he was walking around with furry pants. Anyway, bizarre. He also was not friendly at all. Usually guys are nice, make some small talk, but not Chris. He's also the first (and last) man that refused to kiss me. I should have left then. But it would have been a waste of a drive. I'm thinking, how am I going to get into it without any kissing? Chris wanted a BJ, He forced my head down on him, very uncomfortably, repeatedly until I was gagging and choking. 

I don't understand why guys do that to girls from Tinder. Do you have an anger issue you need to get out? Why did you want me to come here if you are going to treat me bad? Wtf? 

After the BJ he didn't want to have sex with me but I wasn't going to fall for that shit again. I insisted that he had to have sex with me before I left. I came for one thing and I was going to get it. So he did. And it was horrible sex. With his yeti suit on. Chris was a jerk. Fucking asshole.

Aftermath: nothing, thank god. Chris can eat a dick and like it. What was with that outfit?

Stay tuned...my stories get happier

Christopher and David the Virgin

I didn't have sex with every guy I met up with. My primary objective meeting them was always sex but sometimes they fooled me. It only took a couple of those meet ups to learn my lesson. I started telling men what I wanted before I met them, sort of like ordering a meal at a restaurant. "I'm looking for a hook up, no violence, no butt stuff and kissing is mandatory" I didn't ask for much. There were also some guys that met me also looking for a hookup but didn't complete the mission. I have five guys I listed as makeout partners that didn't finish. I don't recall if they were unable to perform or they changed their mind. Oh well, their loss. These two I am discussing here though are the ones that fooled me. 

Christopher-He had an apartment in Riverview. He worked at a bank, on the way to his place he called me and rambled on for thirty minutes about how he hated his boss. Great. I could care less dude. I got to his place and I see his car is a BMW. I get to door and the guy who answers the door is definitely not the guy in the tinder pic. He's unattractive to me, but he looks clean and I came a long way so...He's very well dressed ,wearing an Armani belt. We made out heavy until it was clear that he wanted me to go down on him. Okay, not my first rodeo, so I start thinking this is just the precursor to sex but he keeps pushing my head down farther and farther not letting me come up for air until he came in my mouth. I'm pissed at this point. I don't like how this guy is treating me at all. He wanted me to come back the next day for sex. I was angry and I let this guy know it. I came for sex and he didn't give me what I wanted so NO WAY would I ever be back. I'm sure he could care less. He's gonna keep catfishing girls and forcing them to blow him. I hope they are smarter than me and leave his ugly ass once they realize they've been catfished.  Asshole.

David the Virgin- David was 24 years old and apparently a virgin. I don't know if he told me why. He wanted to meet up and he wasn't even sure what he wanted. I was hoping to take his virginity since I had never done that before. But David was kinda meek and nervous. He was kind of a mystery I suppose. For being a virgin, he was an excellent kisser and his fingering game was on point. Those fingers were magic. We did some heavy making out and he pulled his shorts down and wanted me to tell him if his erection was a good size. It was. But he wouldn't have sex with me. I left David very turned on and frustrated. I wrote in my notes that I hope he doesn't feel shame because of what we did together. I can't remember why he would feel shame. I didn't do anything to poor David that he didn't want to do. I think he just was waiting for a special person to take his virginity. Not a Tinder girl. But maybe he was playing me? I don't know.

aftermath: none, never heard from either again. 

Zach S.

 The day before Thanksgiving I believe, 2016, is when this took place. I never recorded dates but I always remember this was right before the holiday. I took quite a risk that day.

 I was working as a hostess at a pretty posh restaurant on Boca Grande called The Pink Elephant. I had a pretty good deal but the pay sucked. Ten bucks an hour to deal with a lot of headache on busy nights, boredom on not so busy days. I got to wear a cute black dress that I looked pretty good in and I also got my tolls paid, which was 6 bucks each time you cross the bridge so pretty sweet. I could use it even when I wasn't working so I could chill at the beautiful beach for free. Sometimes on break I would sit at the beach and just watch the waves. Man, I loved it out there. 

Anyway, They changed my schedule on the day before Thanksgiving so I got out of work several ours earlier than I was supposed to. Well, deviant as I am used this as an opportunity to get some dick. I didn't tell my family that my schedule changed and I drove from Boca Grande all the fuck to Naples to meet this guy Zachary. The adrenaline was flowing the entire drive thinking "WTF am I even doing?" I knew if I got a flat tire or the car broke down I would be fucked and in a bad, bad way. 

I found his apartment and I text him from the parking lot and he comes out to meet me. Zachary was very cute, I'll give him that.  He had told me he had a roommate but he more or less snuck me into his bedroom. So while I was there I was questioning the roommate thing thinking , OMG he lives with his parents doesn't he? Why else would he sneak me in? Then we had sex with the dog in the room, maybe on the bed? And I'm trying to get into it and he's covering my mouth saying ,"Shhh, don't make any noise" It didn't last very long, maybe 15 minutes, and then he wanted to cum on my boobs. I let him. It was messy and pointless. Then I redressed and he had to sneak me back out of his room and his apartment. Definitely a weird experience. 

I felt unsatisfied considering how far I had driven so I tried to hit up another guy I knew in Naples named Jeremy, but Jeremy was at the gym or something so my risky trip to Naples was not worth it. I never made another trip to Naples. As time went by I found what I was looking for closer to home.

Aftermath: Nothing. never heard from that guy again. But Jeremy still sends me weird drunk messages on Snapchat sometimes.

Carl

 During this time I was attending my mental health court as required by the court to help me stay clean. And in that class I made lots of great friends. It was nice to have friends that were like me, addicts. I could relate to them and not feel ashamed of what I am and what I've been through. None of us were rich or entitled. We were all the same, struggling one day at a time to stay clean and stay out of jail. One friend I made was Myriah. She was the closest of my friends in the group. Most likely because she didn't have  car and needed rides places, but she gave me gas money and we had a good time so I didn't mind. Sometimes she would introduce me to her friends and sometimes we would go to AA meetings and NA meetings together. One day she asked if would pick up a friend of hers to go to the Saturday Port Charlotte beach AA meeting. He was living at a sober house not too far from my house so I said sure, why not. That's how I met Carl.

So we all go to the meeting. Of course nobody ever pays attention at the beach meeting. Since it's so well attended there is a large crowd of people so you can't hear what is being said, all you hear is wind and waves. Not too shabby. You still get credit for being there. Well, I notice Carl keeps checking me out and he's not being shy about it. He's kinda looking at me, ya I know what he wants. But I'm not sure what the relationship is between him and Myriah, you know? I know Myriah has been looking to get some but I don't know if she has someone in particular in mind. I don't know. But Carl isn't really checking her out. He's looking at my boobs, not hers. Carl looks to be in his twenties, just like I like my men. And he's not bad to look at. All this stuff is going on in my mind during the AA meeting.  I am completely not getting anything from the meeting, though I never do. I'm usually too busy making hook up plans or Snapchatting on my phone under the table.

So Myriah tagged us both in a post on Facebook and he friended me and we started talking. We chatted for a couple days and then we decided to go to an NA meeting together, just him and I. Then we got food and then I brought him home. We sat in the car for little bit talking and then I said ( don't even laugh) " Want me to come in? I know you want to do me." He seemed a little surprised. Or maybe he was trying not to laugh at my lame pick up line.

Anyway we went in the house and I sat on the couch while he cleaned the house or something. I'm ready to have sex and this guy is doing the dishes and cleaning up. But now that I think of it, it was his sober house so maybe it was his assigned duties or something. Anyway. After forever, we finally went to the bedroom.

 We did a lot of stuff Carl and I. All different positions and different ways, we went at it for an hour and a half!  I had a superb time with that guy. It was worth waiting for him to clean the house for real. We were sweaty and sticky and messy. You know that's a sign that you've had excellent sex. It may sound gross, but I speak the truth.

About a year later I see him riding a red crotch rocket through Englewood and he looked pretty nice on it. He was next to me at the stop light and opened the visor so I could see him. I smiled and waved. I pulled into a gas station and he did also to say hello. Just a little small talk, I told him I had moved from Port Charlotte to Englewood and he was in Englewood ,too. So he was gonna message me sometime, cool, cool. So He came over to my house in Englewood one day and we chatted like old friends, it was really nice. Carl is a very cool guy. And we banged for over an hour  like the first time, it was just as great, just as fun. If you're looking for a decent sex session that is high quality and fun, I know a guy..

Aftermath: Hey what do ya know? I received a Facebook message from Carl just last week which was really neat because the stuff that happened in these paragraphs occurred probably three years ago at least. He said he always liked me. I'm flattered I made an impression on him. We just chatted about stuff. I guess he's been in jail for drugs but he's currently on house arrest and getting to the end of his term or whatever.  I think Carl is genuinely a good guy with addiction issues. I hope he can stay clean and make something of his life. I hope we keep in touch. 

Current Events: COVID and Girl Lessons

 What is going on anymore? Joshua has COVID and it's breaking my heart. He's coughing constantly and he's had a fever for days. The poor guy refuses to take anything for it though. At least the fever isn't high. But he has to stay home until November 3rd, after Halloween. I think it's about ten days. Ans David is home also because of his exposure to Josh's COVID. And honestly I should be home, too, but I really need to work so I being very careful not to catch it and I'm crossing my fingers and hoping my vaccination works.

 Jackie is still in school because she is fully vaccinated but Sean is not because he opted not to get the shot and he is pissed off about it. They have both been tested and they are both negative but Sean can't go back to school until the 5th. Apparently Samantha told him some shit conspiracy theory that the COVID vaccination could change your DNA and can make a man sterile or some bull shit so Sean wouldn't take it. She's a fucking twit. I got my COVID booster shot yesterday and I just hope I don't get it. I just can't. I don't want to be sick. Besides I am so fearful of dying from it.  

This entire COVID stuff has be completely stressed out right now. It's all over New Hampshire right now. I'm just going to have to be extra careful, I guess.

I keep trying to think of ways I can help Jackie learn to be a girl. I'm not very good with girl lessons. I never really learned very well myself. I'm trying to learn makeup a bit better. But today she showed me that she shaves half her eyebrows off and I'm trying to understand why. I told her she could tweeze them to be more thin or draw them on. But she likes them half  shaved. I think this weekend we will go try on some clothes and work on sizing. She talked to the Dr. about hormones recently so I should be getting a call regarding that. Oh my, life is very interesting for my dear Jackie. But she's so happy now. I love it and I love her.

Pedro

 One weekend morning I convinced my family that I was going to go to an AA meeting in another town for something a little different. I was actually going to see Pedro. 

He was waiting outside to greet me. I remember that Pedro was a genuinely great guy. I told him of my cover story and that I was going to have to hang for an hour and he was fine with that. 

There was lots of kissing , he was a great kisser, And I guess he was a builder of some type because he had a very nice and fit body. I enjoyed that body very much. Very, very much. As I recall the sex was quite satisfying. I have no complaints about Pedro. Afterward he showed me around the yard and we talked about our lives. He was from Brazil, but he also lived in Germany and then he moved here. Sounds like a fun life to me, moving all around the world, meeting all kinds of people. He was easy to talk with and made me feel very comfortable. 

After the hour was about to come to a close and I had to head home he kissed me goodbye. It was meant to be a brief kiss but it got a little hot and heavy and we had to move it back to the bedroom while I was saying "But I really should goooooo----ok ok real quick!"  Nothing like a sweaty little quickie to say goodbye. We didn't want to stop kissing!!💋 I could have stayed all day. Unfortunately, I never met up with Pedro again.  

Aftermath: He's on David's Snapchat last I knew, some how, and I don't contact him but I've seen his Snap stories and last I saw he was in Canada and he has a super cute girlfriend and they look so happy! I'm so glad for him. Pedro was a sweet guy, I hope he has a good life.

Matt M

 I'd been talking to Matt for weeks trying to set something up. He was just so far. I was in Englewood and he was in USF housing all the fuck in Tampa. And I had no job.  

We finally worked something out. He was going to throw some gas money my way to drive up to see him one afternoon so we set a date. Me and my trusty GPS headed north on the interstate and hoped I didn't get lost or even worse, break down. I just hoped it wasn't far off the interstate because I didn't feel like driving all through Tampa to get to this dorm or whatever. Yes, I was going to meet a college student at his college housing. Thankfully nobody else was going to be there.

I got there finally, didn't even get lost, I was proud of myself. He let me in his apartment and brought me to his room and we laid down on the bed. This guy clearly wasn't messing around, he was getting straight to business. He wanted a BJ. 

God I hated those and I didn't even want to do them on my own husband but I figured that if I was going to be meeting guys regularly I was going to have to suck it up. ha ha. Pun intended. But I promised myself I was NOT going to meet guys to give them BJs. Hell to the no. I'll start it that way. But I demand some sex in return. Unfortunately a couple guys in the two years ended up finishing too quickly from the BJs and never reciprocated. And I let them know I was not pleased and I would not be coming back to them. 

Anyway I got Matt started per his request and then we had some sex. I'm not sure it was anything too impressive. But I remember him requesting " Make sure you don't get anything on my sheets!" and then getting pissed when I did. You didn't exactly offer me a towel bro, are you new to sex? What did you think was going to happen. wtf. And then saying " You can hang for a little bit but I have homework to do." Um ya don't think I'm here to chill with your winning personality Matt? Hmm, He seemed really cool through all those texts but turns out he's just a regular college bro douchebag. And he only gave me $17 of the $20 he said he was going to give me for gas. Fuck you, Matt. Oh ya, I already did. And I won't be making that mistake again. 

Aftermath Matt actually contacted me again through Snapchat five years later. I told him he was kind of a jerk and he apologized using the excuse that he was a stupid college kid. He likes me to send him nudes on occasion now but he has to unadd me every day so his gf doesn't see that he doesn't have me on his Snap so every single day I see  " Matt M added you" on my Snapchat. lol. It's funny that guys remember me after all these years.  

Hunter P.

A different day, a different adventure! After my morning court ordered mental health court meeting I opted not to go with he others to the afternoon AA meeting in Charlotte Harbor. Nah, I had plans. This time I told one of my friends where I was going so at least one person knew where I was in case I suddenly went missing. 

This time I was going to Fort Myers and it was a beautiful day. I remember that. He lived in the downtown area in an apartment so I was supposed to wait on a bench on a certain road near his place and wait for him. He was meeting me on his lunch break. 😊 I was very nervous wondering if he was watching me from the bar across the street or from a window from one of the apartments above me. As each person walked past I waited for someone to make eye contact with me. What if he didn't recognize me? 

But there he was. Tall and thin, very nice looking blonde man coming toward me with his bright orange work vest on. Nobody could make that vest look as good as he did. 

I don't even remember how he greeted me. I think he just said my name. I smiled. He had a little bit of a southern drawl which isn't usually my thing but on him it just made him more perfect. His apartment was nearby so we walked there making easy small talk about my drive. He told me I looked even better than my pictures. Honestly I ended up getting that compliment often. I told him he did , too. His pictures didn't show how blue his eyes were. They were beautiful. 

I think once in the room we just got on the bed and got down to business. No time to waste when you're on your lunchbreak. It took him a little bit to loosen up. He was so nervous with me. It was adorable. But I showed him the way. No need to be nervous with me. Just like riding a bike. Just get started and go to it. I'm just like every other girl. Just older than he's used to. Those young guys always wanted to impress me since I was an older woman and I like to think I put them at ease. I just want to have a nice time. Nothing fancy. He was good. Certainly not too shabby for a 21 year old guy. I had a lovely time with a great guy. 

Aftermath:  We tried to get together another time after that but he had to cancel last minute. But we stayed in contact on Snapchat and I sent him pictures for the longest time. He's in the military now, who knows where he is. But I'll always remember those blue eyes. 

1-7-22 - I got a message from Hunter a month ago and we chatted a little bit. He's overseas in the Middle East somewhere. I sent him some pics and he seemed to be very thankful. But then he disappeared from my Snapchat again.  🤔 I don't know if David unadded him or what. David is always fucking with my Snapchat.

Let's take a moment to interrupt this flow...

 I was reading some of my old blogs from years ago and I was so stressed out about money all the time. And about having two wee little boys also. And having a crazy drunken family. Well, life is easier now that Sean is a teen. Even though he's an angry teen. And Seth, well, Seth is Jackie now, my daughter. I never thought I would have daughter but here I am. Her hair is long and curly and wavy and she asks me to help her with her eye makeup. I really have to help her learn some girl stuff, like underarm shaving and leg shaving and lip gloss. And we still need to buy some girl clothes for her. Just when I need a mall there isn't one. THERE ISN"T A MALL ANYWHERE! How am I supposed to help my daughter try on clothes? She doesn't know what fits and what doesn't.

 It's also different having a member of my family as a member of the LGBTQ community because sometimes people don't generally know it and say some stupid shit until I correct them and tell them my daughter is trans. But I just educate them a bit and sometimes that's all it takes. People are more accepting here than in Florida. There were a lot of very conservative folks in the south that didn't like people different than them. The high school has a very progressive transgender student policy and I am very happy about that. Jackie is officially Jackie on all the school records now. And she is happy. Very happy. I love her.

Joshua is my BFF. We hang together often. He's my sunshine and I just love him. He's in 3rd. grade now but we like to take walks together and go have adventures together. 

I passed my FBI background check for my New Hampshire nursing license and that is proof that I have been redeemed from all the shit that I have done. The arrest, the drugs, The mental health court. I paid my fines. All the shame. The loss of friends that I worked with. The loss of my identity. I never thought I'd ever be a nurse again. I thought that my career was off the table for good. If anyone knew my story there is no way they would want me working at their facility. I was led out of my place of employment in handcuffs in front of all my patients. I spent a year in a deep depression. I never thought I'd find my way back. 

 But I passed it. And it makes me think of this line from The Shawshank Redemption....  

"Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side."

Because that's what I did. I crawled through a river of shit, evictions, homelessness, repossessions,  living in hotels, marijuana, oxycodone, cocaine, so much cocaine, promiscuity, poverty, drunkenness, I destroyed relationships with my family. David hurt relationships with his family, My dad kicked us out of his house, I got fired from so many jobs, David got arrested for strangling me after he found me fucking a 25 year old man at our house while he was at work, we had an open relationship that lasted over a year and  David's mom died. All in about three years. Then when I snorted all our money we moved to New Hampshire because we had burned all of our other bridges and we needed somewhere to stay because we were broke and homeless. 

On a whim I applied for a nursing job at the urging of David's dad I applied at the Morrison. I was hired immediately. After I got my Multistate license in order I was good to go. I was still using the fingerprints from Florida from before my arrest so I figured I was ok for awhile. The Morrison gave me 25.00 an hr. so I figured I hit the jackpot! I'm able to pay the bills with plenty leftover for whatever. We don't have to count change or even have to check the bank balance before going to the grocery store! I can buy clothes or shoes for the kids whenever. I'm finally living well and comfortably.

 Eventually I had to change my license over from a Florida to a New Hampshire license which required me to redo my fingerprints. I've had anxiety regarding my fingerprints for five fucking years. But no escaping it now. But after three months of waiting it went through. I passed. I'm clean as a whistle. So to all of my family or whomever that was ashamed of me or thought  I was going to be a loser forever, guess what. Nope.  I'm not wealthy but I have everything I need and more. So I'm doing just fine in these mountains. 

                                                                                                                                                                 

The First One

 So I set up the hookup. I was nervous as hell but I promised myself I wasn't going to back out. After my mental health court meeting I headed out. I didn't tell anyone what I was going to do. I was going to drive to Lakeland and meet him at this hotel he was staying for his work. In my future meetups I started telling my mental health court friends in case something happened to me. I was between jobs at this time so he said he'd give me twenty bucks for gas since I was driving to him. 

So the adrenalin was flowing but I wasn't as scared as I should have been. It didn't even enter my head that he might kill me or anything. I mean I was going to have sex with a guy I never met before so what could happen, right? So I got to the hotel. Now I was getting really nervous. I was thinking, should I leave? What if he didn't look like his picture? I drove past some of the rooms looking for the number I needed thinking he was probably watching me. I was feeling dumb for some reason. He was going to see me before I saw him. I found the room number. No body was there but a guy was sitting outside of the room next to it. Maybe he knew him. I went to knock on the door. The guy sitting outside the other room, says "Hey!" I turn around. He says the room was over there, he just wanted to see me first. Hmmm. 

We walk inside and I'm trying to make the most awkward small talk about the drive up from Port Charlotte. I also realize I'm taller than him by a couple inches but he definitely looked as good as his pictures showed. He grabbed me by both sides of my waist and looked me up and down and said , "Well, look at you!" I didn't know how to respond so I said, "Are you drunk?" He lets go and says, "No!" I apologize and mumble about I haven't done this before, blah blah. I'm not sure of the exact details but somehow I ended up at the foot of the bed with him and he picked me up with my legs around him and he threw me on the bed. I started laughing. He crawled to me and he must have started kissing me. The details at this point become foggy. But sex happened. In all kinds of ways. And I remember thinking that, "Holy shit, I'm cheating on my husband." But this thought didn't make me feel guilty nor did it make me want to stop. Because I wasn't in love with this guy. 

I remember hoping that it wasn't going to leave marks when he slapped my ass. But I enjoyed it so much. He talked so dirty to me and it was perfect. Sexy but not degrading. I did things with him that I had no idea that my body wanted to do. And I felt so free because I wasn't going to see him again so I didn't have to feel self conscious or embarrassed of the way I looked naked. He said I looked great.  And I guess if I look great naked to a 25 year old guy that's quite the compliment. I think we went at it for an hour. God, until we were sore and sweaty and sticky. 

Then we laid there talking about shit. I talked about quitting drugs and the hypersexuality that I seemed to have developed afterward. He talked a little about himself. He was super cool. God, the sex was so good. Then I got my gas money and off I went smiling all the way home. 

Aftermath: David found out about Chaz eventually and I got in huge trouble. I don't know if David found out right after Chaz or after I had hooked up with a few more. But I experienced so many fights because of my hookups as to be expected. David deleted all Chaz's info. Even so, Chaz found me other ways and tried to hook up with me again in the following year but David cockblocked that unfortunately. I'm still in contact with Chaz but I only send him pictures now but we still talk about that day. I guess it was memorable for both of us. 

                                 This was taken late 2016 around the time this event happened.

Tinder

While I was at the resort I had heard that one of the guys that worked there had been asking whether I was single. And here's the kicker, he was 29! He thought I was much younger than my actual age of 39. 

Well, I was thoroughly flattered since I had no clue any man might find me attractive other than my husband. 

I had been going through so much in my life between work and kids and drugs and the arrest and all the stress after it that I guess I hadn't really looked in a mirror and noticed myself in a long while. 

Over the years guys had hit on me here and there and I didn't pay much attention but it had been a very long time since anyone had noticed me. David had always complimented me but I always felt like that was not as genuine since he is my husband, Sort of when your mom tells you you're smart, it's just something they say because they love you. Not because it's necessarily true. 

Suddenly I realized I'm not all bad to look at. I was at a good weight, nice and thin, above average breasts and a nice butt and long curly red hair and I like to think my face looks ok. I looked at my younger pictures and I looked alright but I glowed up somewhere along the way. I was thinking if only I looked this way and felt this confident way back in my younger years I would have made some different choices. 

But did I take this newfound confidence home? No.

 I had been feeling almost asexual for a long time. Nothing excited me much. I felt so blah in the sex department for many years. But Garrett made me feel feelings that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I guess I wasn't asexual. I just was turned on by younger men!

But I needed to get Garrett off my mind and the best solution I thought of was to find a different 25 year old to have sex with. I'd heard about Tinder so I thought I'd try it out. 

I downloaded the app and set up my account and set it for ages 20-30. I honestly didn't think I would get very many matches because I was much older. I was thinking that no young guy wants a 38 year old woman. I never lied about anything. My age, my marital status, nothing. 

Much to my surprise I got tons of matches! Tinder was easy! I started talking to guys right away. Little bit of small talk and I told them what I wanted. Apparently lots of younger guys like older girls. I later learned that it's like a bucket list thing for guys to have an older woman, and a married one is even better. The hard part was finding a place to meet up since my house was not available. I didn't know I could be picky at first so I had my mileage set for pretty far away. For the first few times I had to drive pretty far. Then I started staying closer to home. 

Anyway. I got to be quite the Tinder expert over time but lets go back to the first one. Chaz

I took this picture at the resort in the mirrored top of a canopy bed. I made the mistake of posting it on Facebook and a coworker ratted me out to the boss and I got in a lot of trouble.

Sweet, Sweet Garrett

 Sometimes you find the right people at the very perfect moment. That would be Garrett. Here's a little story.

Once upon a time I was arrested for stealing Oxycodone. I had quite the addiction at the time and I was on a speeding train with no way to pull the brake. Until I got caught. It was almost ( almost) a relief because my drug problem was out in the open. I spent the end half of 2015 out of work trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life since I had no skills other than working as a nurse. I stayed home with little baby Joshua. My attorney dragged out the case for awhile trying to get me lesser charges without success. 2016 found us kicked out of our house and in a nice little place in Rotonda near David's work at Palm Island Resort. I was severely depressed and had little motivation. David needed me to work though. He got me a job at Palm Island Resort doing housekeeping. I figured it would be easy. 

At this same time I was beginning my Mental Health Court program that I had been assigned through the court. Since I was a first offender I was to do the year long outpatient rehab program for drug addiction. And since it was decided that I was self medicating my mental health issue I was placed in Mental Health Court. I had to quit opiates and try to function at the same time. I hadn't been drug free in years, how was I going to manage? 

So I started working at the resort, I was a mediocre housekeeper. Mostly because I was freshly clean from drugs and my brain wasn't able to focus. My mind was always racing and I just couldn't get it together. I screwed up and missed things often. But it was beautiful out there and I got to drive around a fancy resort with my own golf cart from unit to unit. I met some great people.

Garrett was one of the guys that did the stocking for housekeeping at the resort. He also would bring the bags full of the supplies to the units for the housekeepers.  He was nice enough but I'll be honest I was initially struck by his appearance. I found him very nice to look at. I looked forward to him dropping off my supplies for my units because it was nice to see him and it was a break from the loneliness of the cleaning work. Garrett always stopped to talk for awhile and I must have mentioned what I was going through at the time and it turns out he wasn't a stranger to some of my similar issues. 

Sometimes if he was still working after I was off work I would sit in the housekeeping trailer and talk to him while he worked. I was so lost in those days freshly free from drugs that I needed to talk to someone who knew what I was feeling. Garrett had a history of being a blackout drunk and had gotten himself in quite bit of trouble while he was in college and was brought down to Florida by his family. Somewhere along the way he had been in rehab for the drinking. He also had been diagnosed with mental illness and had taken a few different medications at some point. We talked a lot about rehab and AA meetings. We talked about therapy and mental illnesses. But, honestly, Garrett listened to me do a lot of talking. He was the best listener. At a point in my life when I had so much to say and I was feeling so much, I just needed to talk to someone who knew what I was talking about. And Garrett was in the right place and the perfect time. And I don't know if he minded or not. But he never let on that it bothered him. And for Garrett, I am forever grateful because he was placed in my life when I needed him.

Perhaps I was overly grateful because I loved that boy. I truly did. I would have done anything for him. David knew it first. I'm not sure how he figured it out. But I was. I was 39 years old and I fell in love with a 25 year old man. 

Before him I never really thought about cheating on my husband but I was willing to risk it with Garrett. I wanted to seduce him in one of the resort units, just once. But, of course, I never would. Because Garrett was a good person. Sweet, sweet Garrett will always be too good in my eyes for anything like that. He deserved far better than the likes of me. 

After I was fired from the resort I wrote him a long letter telling him how I felt. David read it and he actually gave it to Garrett. I figured I would never see him again so what would it matter anyway?

And it's true. I never saw Garrett again after I left Palm Island. He's on my Facebook though so I like knowing that he's there if I need him. 😊

                                                

This song was popular at the time and the lyrics spoke to me a lot. I still think of him every time I listen to this song. Some part of me will always consider him my sweet love.

"Trouble on my left, trouble on my right
I've been facing trouble almost all my life
My sweet love, won't you pull me through?
Everywhere I look, I catch a glimpse of you"

"Grow Up", He said.

 Then he took my Snapchat away. It was my only remaining connection to the Tinder guys of my past. There were so many, but most were brief conversations that didn't go anywhere. Some I just lost contact with over time, but about thirty- forty more were regularly in contact with me whether it was occasional "hello"s or pictures. Or asking for pictures from me. Yes I was sending them nudes on the regular, nothing crazy, just some boobs and ass shots and they were happy and I got dick pics in return. 

David said I was cheating but I don't think so. Some of those men I had hooked up with years ago but they are all far away in Florida now. There's no way they could get their hands on me now. Not that they wouldn't want to. I've had offers of plane tickets and hotel rooms. Some have offered to fly here and meet me. I don't think I'm that special but a young men lose their minds when it comes to sex.  David said we could never go back to Florida because all of those guys are there and he's correct. Those boys would cheat on their girlfriends to say they had an older woman. When I was in Florida I had many men cheat on their girlfriends with me, a few cheated on their wives. It's none of my business. I'm a married woman. 

I enjoy the attention from those men from years ago. I love to send them pictures and have them tell me how turned on I made them. I love when they screenshot my pictures so they can save them for later that night. One guy has a phone full of pictures of me. He never forgets to tell me I'm beautiful. Am i sucker for compliments? Of course. Do they even know what my face looks like? Doubtful. They just know I'm and older woman with a lovely above average set of boobs. They probably notice my red hair, that's about it.

They don't love me. They don't care about me. I'm not stupid. But I've gotten to age 44 with hardly any sagging in the boob department. Which is remarkable, I think, because 1. they are real and 2. they are size DD so you would think gravity would take it's toll. My mother had very large breasts and I remember them being very pendulous and saggy when she was young ( I remember her showering with us when we were really young). So it isn't hereditary. And I've been pregnant three times and milk producing boobs can become saggy. Maybe I wore good supportive bras?

In any case, I like to show them off. And guys like them. Oh? Show them to my husband you say? He's already seen them for years. And that's no fun. I've been through a lot. I'm not fucking anymore men. I'm being a good girl now. So can I just have my Snapchat so I can chat and send my boobs to thirsty 25 year olds? Can I not just have access to my own social media account?

Wayne

 Now let me talk about this piece of work. So during my years of debauchery we frequented a club/sushi bar and he was a bouncer then, then a server. When I was there I always had my eye out for men because that was my favorite thing to do. Wayne was alright looking and I thought I might be interested in doing him. He showed up as a potential friend on Facebook so I friended him and BAM he friended me so fast and we started talking. I guess he had been checking me out, too. He had a thing for redheads (Don't they all?) and older women (again, don't they all?) so he had a GF but they had an open thing so I was all about that. 

We talked a lot. Idk it all happened so quickly. It was like he started taking about how he was falling for me and stuff. Now THAT is unusual. I don't hear that from guys and I was looking for more of a meaningful FWB situation rather that random hookups so I was all in. So all he had to do is mention falling for me and here I goooooo.... I'm falling for him too. 

Then he stopped talking to me for a couple weeks and I was crushed. No response to texts or anything. WTF.  OK I guess he was sick. But one day without hearing from him I was so lost. But I knew I was a goner at that point.

Our entire relationship (or whatever) was about 6 months and it was a complete and total roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I fell in crazy love with this man and he told me all the nice things that I wanted to hear. Sometimes he would ignore me for days and weeks and I would cry and sob without any response from him. Did he love me??? I went over to his house to hook up only a couple times in that 6 months and I turned down many men because I only wanted Wayne. Nobody else was as good as the man I loved. The feeling of new sweet romantic love felt good, I won't lie. It's different than the love you have for someone you've been married to for twenty years because it's so fresh and new and passionate. 

We wanted to be together one day. He claimed he had to block me on FB and on IG and everywhere else because his GF was jealous because he loved me. Or whatever.

I eventually came to my senses. Wayne had exes and children across the country and there was always a sob story as to why he had to leave them. It was never his fault. He wasn't paying child support for any of his kids. He didn't even have a license because he had been in a car accident with a pregnant ex and now he get's too anxious to drive (or some shit). His most recent ex hated his guts even though he adored her. But he ran off on her and their kid so why shouldn't she hate him. 

Current GF found him on an online dating site while he was homeless pretty much and she took him in. lmao like a lost puppy. He apparently was pretty meh about her but he was more or less living off her. 

He had women all over the country that he would chat with and send pics, some would send him money. Some lady in CA would send him 10K at a time. Now this is all according to him and I don't know what is real and what is fake. 

But I feel like I was played. And nobody plays the player. What did he want from me? Idk. sex? He didn't have to claim he loved me to get that. Shoot, I've banged guys I've known 15 minutes. 

I never gave Wayne money. Maybe it was just a game for him. I was just a player in his game. I guess I could ask him one day. But why would he tell me the truth now?

Tyler King

 Nobody reads this anyway so I'm going to ramble about something. 

So Tyler was a guy back a few years ago that I met through Tinder. He was 21 years old and adorable as can be. He was my exclusive FWB for quite a few months at his request. My husband was the exception, of course.

Anyway he used to stop by once a week or maybe more and we'd have crazy hot sweet sex and then he would leave until the next time. He had some mom issues which maybe was why he liked me so much perhaps. His mom had passed away a few years prior. One time he came over on her birthday and he was very sad. But I cheered him up good. God, he was a hot thing, 

At some point we hadn't met up for a little while, I think he had a new job or something and couldn't come over and when he finally picked me up after work at my serving job it was so amazing. We fogged up the windows. Oh, I fogged up windows on my car many, many times. And on other people's cars as well. 

One night I couldn't sleep and he was on snap and I snuck out of the house and he picked me up a little down the road in my PJs. We were racing down the highway and he was listening to Kodack Black and we had the seats leaned back and the windows down, I felt so wild and young like we could do anything! Like for a minute I wanted to run away with my sweet 21 year old Tyler and just do anything and everything and pretend I was someone else. 

He took me to a park and we had crazy sex in the back seat. He took me home and I went to bed like nothing happened. We had so much fun we wanted to do it the next night. I got up in the middle of the night and met him in my PJs like before, we went to the same park and everything. It was so good. But this time was different.

As we drove past my house I noticed the lights were on. I knew I had been caught. I was scared to death what was going to happen to me when I got home. Tyler started getting snap messages from my husband. So he blocked the Snap account and asked for my email. I tried to tell him but it was difficult to explain at the moment, so much was going through my mind. I was panicking. So Tyler dropped me off where he picked me up and I walked home ready to face my unknown punishment.

The front door was locked. So I started knocking and knocking. David came out and pushed me down onto the ground. And started kicking and kicking  and kicking me. Kicking my body as hard as he could. I just wrapped my arms around myself and wished for it to be over. I fantasized that Tyler would come back and save me from being beat up. I just kept picturing him in my mind. 

That night I had the crap kicked outta me in my own front yard, I was yelled at, attacked, smacked and had a bebe gun held to my temple. Not my first or last punishment, but the worst.

Four years later I still think of Tyler. I wonder what he's doing now. I hope he's ok. I hope he has an amazing girlfriend. I hope that he remembers me and it makes him smile. 

Maybe it's not the end.

Truly I thought my fingerprint result would be instant. Like the state result. But apparently it takes a month or longer. In that period of time my license status is "conditional pending FBI check" so I just cross my fingers until whomever knows when. According to the lady at the fingerprinting place, I should be ok as long as I don't have a conviction on my record so that settled my anxiety a bit. I figure she knows a bit about it. 

So without that worry on my mind, I'm back to worrying about lesser worries, like my weight. Now, the only people that give a shit about my weight are me and all the 25 year olds that I was fucking back in 2017.  I guess people generally thought I was younger than my age when I was thinner. Now nobody checks me out and I look middle aged. I suppose my husband loves it. But I hate it. I don't want to settle for looking like an average middle aged woman. God, I can't stand looking so fat. I'm about 148 right now. And I range about 145 to 150. And I wanna get to 125 to 130 range. So 20 pounds. Doesn't seem like too much but trust me it's sooo hard!!I know first of all I need to burn some calories but it's so hard to burn energy that isn't there! And the food. I am so picky. And I really dislike fruits and veggies. So I'm certainly not going to start eating salads all the sudden. I like carbs. And junk. 

I'll figure something out.Ο0О。ο口口

Scared.

 I'm scared to death guys. I don't know what I am going to do if I don't pass my background check. I have nowhere else to go. No place to take my family. We can't afford this house on a minimum wage salary and I have no other options. What am I going to do with all of our stuff? What about My plants? What about Elliot? 

Where will he go? I don't know what I am going to do. Where are we gonna go? Where can we go? What am I gonna do? I'm terrified of what happens next.

Is this the end?

 I started new in New Hampshire. I left all the shit in Florida. Lots of bad shit. We had tough times there. 

Here I restarted my nursing career and left the drugs behind. I was finally able to get my family into a house for the first time in awhile. We had been evicted a couple times and lived with family and even lived in hotels a couple times. But I was finally getting it together and we got into a house of our own. One that was within our price limit that we weren't even going to have to struggle to make rent. We were gonna have plenty left over! So we could have our cell plans and buy groceries whenever we wanted to without even having to wait for pay day. 

Long gone are the days of counting our change for milk and gas. :) 

We've filled our house up with stuff. Since we had been evicted twice we really had nothing when we moved in here so we had to get all new everything. So we've filled our house to the gills with stuff. 

 That's our house. And considering that we have so much more stuff now that when we moved in I really hope not to move again anytime soon!

So, for my NH nursing license endorsement I need to have my fingerprints done. I've already had my county and state fingerprints done but Thursday I am scheduled to have my FBI fingerprints done. So I wonder how will my Florida arrest show up on the background check. Will I lose my nursing license? I'm scared to death right now. This is all I know. And this is the only way I know to support my family. I tried to be a server, and lets face it, I was lousy. I'm so nervous. 

I've tried to be so good. I've been clean. I follow up with my recovery center and my therapist so I stay clean. My kids are in therapy. I don't know when my family has been this stable and it's because of me! I was able to get us to this place. And I'm afraid I'm going to lose it all. I am trying to be optimistic but I have to be honest, even if my charges were dropped, my charges look pretty bad. And from what I've read the background check includes the arrest charges whether you were convicted or not.

Honestly I think I deserve this second chance. So if anyone reads this. Please give me some good vibes or something cause I could use them.

 

                                                                Joshua-----for smiles:)

The accidental cosleeper

I found this Blog entry from October 2015 and wondered why I never published it. So now it's out of order. It's waaaay out of order. I'm going to try to remedy that. 

It's all about Baby Joshua who is presently not a baby any longer. #sadface

First kid,  I read books and books and had magazine subscriptions about kids. During my pregnancy I drank protein drinks and ate fruits that I hated so I could be healthy.  I wanted to do everything right. Read with him all the time, teach him everything I could. I bought him the nicest, and ridiculously expensive, baby clothes. Fancy toys, museums, aquariums. Only the best for the health and well being of my kid. Unfortunately I ended up with some PPD that threw a wrench into my plans. But I tried.

Third kid, I am just trying to keep him from destroying himself or anything else of value that I possess. Any progress aside from that is just gravy.

This kid has been able to climb about everything and destroy baby gates. He dumps out toy containers so he can use them as step stools. Fragile he is not. Even if he was less than 5 lbs when he was born. He is muscular and big now.

I sure wish he would talk though. His speech is horrible. David and I joked we wouldn't teach this one to walk or talk. He has the walking and running thing down though.
Nearing 3 years old, he still does a lot of baby talk, most of which I don't understand. Dr. says that he'll eventually get it and gave me a referral for speech therapy, but I never did it. I thought I'd give Joshua some time. Most adults can communicate, so with that in mind, I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually. He responds fine so at least it's not a hearing problem.

Much to my husband's dismay, Joshua sleeps in my bed. This was not the plan. I tried to place him in the bassinet the first night home from the hospital, but he would cry immediately, and  I was soo tired. So very tired.
So I put my wee 5 lbs baby in my arms and we slept soundly. And he was so cuddly and snuggly. And it has continued. Every night. Some nights he starts out in his bed but doesn't last. I really don't mind him there. David does.

My main concern is the fact that he has been experiencing the terrible twos for round about three years now....so I am hoping for an end to it one day.

Does anyone even read this?

 I doubt anyone does. But I write in it every now and then, taking breaks years at a time.  The most interesting times of my life are the ones when I don't write in anything in here. Trust me on that one. The years when I struggle the most with life, with my worth, with my addictions, with my mental illnesses. Honestly, the times of my life when I have a little too much party in my system. 

But I don't document them in my blog just in case someone might actually read this one day. I have a lot of memories. Good ones actually. I had lots of fun. But I suffer from guilt because I hurt those I loved the most while I was having that fun. In some cases irreparably. Nobody remembers the many, many years that I sacrificed everything for everybody else. They just remember the couple years that I went off the rails to have fun for myself for once. Maybe it was out of control fun. I should have controlled myself better but I felt better than I had in my life!

I'll tell you what. For so long I've been living in a shell taking care of my kids at home ( and loving it) and taking care of patients at work( and loving it) . But I remained withdrawn staying "good" and proper for years hiding my drug problem. Then all at once My drug problem landed me with an arrest and in low wage jobs struggling to scrounge for quarters for gas and milk for the kids, getting evicted time after time because we couldn't afford rent. For the first time we had to live the poor life. And we lived that way for five years. Moving numerous times, moving the kids from school to school, living with family, living in hotels, almost living in the car. We very narrowly avoided that fate. 

I learned that poor people hang with other poor people. We hang together. And poor people are less judgy cause we've all been through some shit. Even now I'm careful who at work I tell about my past. In the nursing field the nurses and the LNAs  haven't been poor. They have their heads on straight or they wouldn't be in that field.

I feel a comfort around other poors that I don't have around other people. I'm not a good wholesome person. I feel like I have to put on an act around some people or they might see right through me and realize what I'm really all about. 

Anyway. The point is before I got way off track is that Ive been taking care of other people for so damn long and when I took care of myself for awhile suddenly I'm a horrible person. Maybe it was because it involved lots of sex and drugs. But honestly it was a good time. I met some great guys. Maybe that's why I feel so rotten. I feel like I should feel bad but I don't. I liked it. Ill live once. 

Anyway thats enough rambling nonsense for one day. 

Dreams

Lately I have the most bizarre dreams. I'm dreaming of my childhood...but things that never really happened. I guess the people and the surroundings are the same. But maybe I just long for home. Any home at this point. I don't belong anywhere.
I don't feel like I have a home right now. Maybe my dreams are trying to express that. I feeling of safety and security. And most of all warmth.

I never said I was innocent

Im certain that much of my poor choices result from my mental illness issues...or whatever causes my brain to think differently. Addiction isssues, emotional abuse, family dysfunction, whatever. It most likely goes back generations to some mental illnesses along the way.
It's actually sad that we have therapy and meds but not quite any cure for mental illness.

I'm miserable much of the time. I fake it to try to "fake it til I make it" sometimes without success, sometimes with success
But sometimes I fantasize about death. And one person who I used to talk to in depth about this stuff is no longer in contact with me due to to some personal issues on their end. So I'm extra lost. I mean nobody wants to talk about depression. People want to feel good right?
If I had a pile of drugs in front of me I'd take em all simply to feel better or die. It's whatever anymore.

New Hampshire

So we left our jobs and moved to live with David's dad. In New Hampshire. So I've experienced a wide range of emotions in the past couple weeks. And I'm still adjusting to leaving everything behind.
I didn't have much in Englewood but here I have less. LOL. not really. I'm still trying to find my place in this world. I'm still numb and I always want to cry. I've said goodbye to people I loved and people who loved me. And I'm thankful for internet access so I can talk to them.
But I miss everything I have ever known.

Pain

If I even tried to touch on what I have been through in the last few years it wouldn't even come close to telling my story but it involves legal issues, addiction, drugs, mental illness, abuse, infidelity, life, death, evictions, repossession, multiple jobs, poverty, homelessness, love, hate, and sex.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes me stronger but I just feel broken down. So broken. But honestly I gave up after my arrest. I've been existing since then. Mostly just feeling numb about the world.
Ive been trying my hardest to feel anything at all and having only some success. Sometimes the numbness is preferable to the emotional pain I feel for being a failure.
Sometimes I laugh and I love to joke around. My favorite people are those that make me laugh and smile. It's feels wonderful. But deep in my brain I'm always suffering to some extent. I try to suppress it, to ignore it. Or distract myself.

I know my kids would miss me and, damn, I love them more than anything but they deserve better than me.

But, goddamn, the pain can be unbearable.

Baby Bird

Joshua likes to pretend he is a baby bird. I'm, obviously, mommy bird. He snuggles with me and cheeps and tweets and occasionally stands up to flap his pretend baby wings.
When he's crabby I call him my baby bird and he cheers up.

edit...this is an old blog that I discovered under drafts so I decided to publish it three years after it was written.

Oy.

Sometimes I want to scream as loud as I can and throw things and punch things until either they break, or I break. 

Sometimes I want to sleep forever and ever.

Other times I feel nothing at all. UNcomfortably numb.

I assume I have lingered in a chronic depression for a very long time. Some days are okay and others, very bad. 

Sometimes I wish I had a visible physical ailment or a pain that I could just go have a tests done and once it was confirmed, I could receive the proper treatment. 

Mental illness is far more complex. Only I can describe my symptoms to someone else to give me treatment. But I have never been anyone else to compare my emotions to theirs. 

Maybe everybody feels this way and I am just more sensitive to it? I really doubt it. But it's hard to say how I feel is severe depression or minor or chronic. Maybe my anxiety makes it worse. Maybe I am just a worrywart.

Perhaps I am just a miserable person and that is my personality. 

Considering I love to laugh and have a wicked sense of humor, I don't think I am generally miserable. That wouldn't make sense.

I experience suicidal ideations every day. When I read an obituary or an article about someones death I feel envy. 

They don't have to suffer anymore. No more pain and anguish anymore. And most of all they are free from financial stresses. 

I have stated often that I would not be here if it weren't for my kids. They need me so I exist to care for them. David says he needs me too, but he could survive without me. It's the kids I worry about. And the cost for my funeral. That would be an extra burden on my family.

But, no worries, I am not going to die. If there is any higher being, I am sure they plan to punish me for whatever for as long as possible. I will probably suffer until I die of old age at 110, with my luck. 

I certainly hope not to live that long. Another ten years maybe and then I will be ready. Joshua will be 13 and the boys will be 18 and 21. 

I hear you saying, " goddamnit go to a freaking doctor already!!" 

But, and there is always a but, I have no transportation, and most importantly, no baby sitter for Joshua. 

I have no friends and no close family, at all. Not even one person. Except David and he works very early, until late. 

Each day is long and each day is, eh just another day. Another day in a wasted life. Another day. 

Joshua brings me sunshine where, otherwise, there would be none.

the days of whine and roses

Time is ticking down to when we have to be out of the house. We have  been doing plenty of cleaning and getting rid plenty of stuff.
Unfortunately, I am married to a pack rat/ hoarder/ slob, so to get him to part with some items are more than frustrating. He seems to have this idea that all this old junky nonsense might, one day, be worth something.
My amateur opinion of those items is that they will only be good to recycle. No fool would pay for his old junk.

Some of his crap we've been moving place to place and it just takes up space. He has boxes of t-shirts and hats he has memories attached to.

We hope to move to a local town until the end of the school years. But really aspire to leave the state eventually. I want my kids to get out of this nowhere town. Someplace with culture and entertainment. I've been trying to get out for my entire life. I hope I can do it.O:-)

change

We knew the eviction notice was coming but didn't know when. The house we are renting had been in foreclosure for a couple years. I think they just finalized the process in January. We got our notice on Feb.1. 24 hours we had to get out! David was able to get us three weeks. We are hoping we will have our $7,000 from taxes by then so we can get a new place.
We all want to move away, anywhere, and we are excited about that. I need a fresh start. I only hope I can transfer my probation to wherever it may be.
We all need a change and some new scenery. New people. Maybe a younger town, one with museums and nicer parks. I would like some cheap transit system. We are thinking a lot about Tennessee.
 It's going to be stressful and not easy. I'm tired of being stuck in this town.

Memories are weird.

Tis the season of endless Christmas songs. Last night I heard this Nat King Cole tune lightly wafting from the boys' stereo, alerting me that Thanksgiving is now over and Christmas season has begun. I stood in the hall listening quietly as it registered a part of my memory. Not as much the specific song, but the music. It brought me to many, many years ago. But not a specific memory,more like a feeling of a moment. A familiar  and comforting moment. It was a pleasant feeling. A feeling of being safe and happy. Oddly, enough I don't know exactly where or when. 

My Papaw died in 1985 of complications from Alzheimers disease. After he died, I remember finding tapes of Nat King Cole around my Mamaw's house after he died. I can only assume the memories of the Nat King Cole music is from my early years when he was alive.  I am not even sure. 

Strange how unusual things can trigger a memory. A song, a sound, even an aroma. Fortunately, mine are all good memories. Even if I can't picture it in my mind.

Seth

As a kid I never "oohed" or "awwed" over kids and babies. But I was a rather abnormal child. Oddly enough, I always knew I wanted to have children one day. There was nothing more appealing to me that spending my olden years surrounded by my kids and grandkids on holidays.

Seth was born in late 2004, the first of my three sons. And he is dramatically different from the other two.
He is me.
Actually, quite a bit better than me.

He's very intelligent and loves to read. So much so that he has gotten in trouble for reading too often in school instead of paying attention.

He loves to talk to anyone, yet is somewhat socially awkward. This makes me sad.

He is highly anxious and worries about anything and everything. He is extremely anxious when it comes to Joshua. He is so concerned about something bad happening to Joshua. As a fellow sufferer of anxiety, I try to help him with calming techniques as much as I can.

Seth is extremely sensitive and easily upset, especially at school. If he doesn't understand something he might cry out of frustration. One kid that was in a class with him said he wished he had earplugs.
:( Teachers can't stand him because he needs extra encouragement and reassurance( not their fault, they have a lot of kids to tend to and they don't have the time)
Seth becomes obsessed with things he is interested in. Lately it is a Youtube series called "Battle for Dream Island" or something. He has printed out the characters and cut them out and pasted them on popsicle sticks and has them perform episodes, rolling dice to determine the outcome. He knows their personalities and voices.

He loves non-traditional or typically girl toys. he often wonders why the cool toys are for girls. He loves My Little Pony and wants a Bratz Doll. But at the same time he is extremely insecure in the fact that he enjoys these toys. I told him that he can play with whatever he wants, toys are toys. Sean sometimes picks on him and I shut that down quickly.

I feel very protective over Seth. Because he is so much me.
Sean will be fine in life, but I am more concerned about Seth because he is so quirky and unusual. In his adulthood those traits can allow him to excel, but until then, other kids (and teachers) tend not as accepting of his differences.

He saw a psychologist a few years ago that determined that Seth simply "marches to the beat of his own drummer"
And I love that about him. I hope he's never forced to change.

Decisions

One day, to distract myself from reality, I read an article about a young nun and her reasons to go into a convent and some of her experiences. I found it quite interesting for reasons you may not expect.

I am not a religious person, actually I don't follow one at all. 

But I found myself fantasizing about her life, the young nun. The fact that she doesn't have to make any decisions. At.All.

She has a routine she would follow every day, she had chores to do and she just prays the day away. She doesn't have to make any decisions. If you don't have to do that, you can't make the wrong ones. Right?

Granted, I have no desire to pray the day away. But if I could just exist in a everyday boring routine and not have to decide anything, it would be pure bliss. 

David and I have always joked that we had our first child to make choices for us. even back in the days when we wanted to simply go out to eat, that decision was annoying as heck. 

Then as time goes by, you have to make bigger and more important choices. I don't want to decide because I might make the wrong one and , unlike those "Choose your own Adventure" books of  my youth, you can't go back and pick the other option if you discover you picked a shitty choice.

These days I sit knowing I should do plenty of things, but afraid to do the wrong thing, so I do nothing. That is me.

Perhaps I am so consumed by my anxiety. Thankfully, David is smarter than me. I am pretty lucky he picks up the slack because these days I am quite worthless.

If anyone reads this, they probably think I am a huge whiner. Which is okay. I really don't have anyone to vent to and many years ago a therapist told me to write down my feelings or some nonsense. So that is what I do.  If I don't post anything for a while, that means I am doing okay. I  add to this blog ting when I am feeling my most pathetic. Such is life, I suppose.

But in the last few months, I have been arrested, fired, threw my career away, filed for every government assistance I can, and still cannot pay the bills, or the rent. David works his butt off for little money and I have no qualifications to get a job other than the career I cannot continue in. So I think anyone else would be miserable as well. It  is what it is and sometimes I think I just exist in a low level depression and self loathing, functioning day to day. I don't see a bright future for myself. And that is hard to realize.
For years, I could always find a light at the end of the tunnel. But it isn't there for me anymore.

The Haunting story of David Sharp

I have always had a fascination with all thing macabre or horrifying. The creepier and stranger the tale, the more interesting I find it.
Today I stumbled across a documentary on Mount Everest and the fact that over 200 people have died atop the mountain and many, due to the extremely high cost of removing them from the mountain, end up remaining there frozen in time. The bodies lie there in the snow as climbers step over them. Apparently, some of the bodies are pushed off of ledges and cliffs so they will be out of view.
David Sharp was a British climber that froze to death on the mountain in 2006. The documentary I saw actually had him in it.  The group doing the documentary passed him while he was huddled in a cave, they thought he was already dead at first but noticed movement and breath vapor. They encouraged him to keep moving and went on their way. 30-40 people passed him dying in the cave and kept going.
I have never even thought about climbing  a mountain. Heck, I have only seen snow once. But I am so haunted by the fact that this poor man froze to death all alone in the span of a day. Granted, at that altitude hypoxia and frostbite are so common, one has to keep moving or die. But I cannot imagine walking past a barely alive human being and continue to move on.
I just imagine what that poor man was thinking sitting in that cave knowing he would probably freeze to death alone in the dark. The thought horrifies me.
Apparently his frozen body remained there for a year before he was moved. A grim reminder to other climbers that it could happen to them, too.

Avoidance

Not an effective way to deal with stress or stressful situations. Avoidance has been my coping mechanism for a very long time.
I realize that I think I may have been tiptoeing around my anxiety for longer than I even imagined. By avoiding things that may trigger that response, I avoid the end result which might be anxiety or worsening depression.
Things that I am avoiding:

1. Getting a job, ohh a big one. I am scared to death to get a job. I just cannot put myself in a new unpredictable situation. That makes me feel uneasy.

2. Visiting my grandmother. I am the worst granddaughter ever. As she is one of my very favorite people on this planet, her progressing dementia is still so difficult for me to face. She is someone else now and I am stuck on the Depression stage of the grieving process, can't get to acceptance. I know I will when it's too late.

3. Trying to make or maintain any friendships. I am alone with Joshua often, but I like the predictability of it. New people =new situations, and there we are again with the anxiety.

4. Making any effort to improve my quality of  life. I have no idea how or what to do. I truly have no idea where my life will take me and as messed up as things are I have no idea what to do about it. It's like a bottleneck in my brain: too many thoughts at once.So I opt to try not to think as much as possible.

5. Making phone calls. I can do this, but have to psych myself up to accomplish it. I may have to talk to someone and I might not know what to say. They will probably find that I am not too bright. Or something else negative, I just know it. This seems to be preventing me from making an appointment with a psychiatrist. Now that I actually have Medicaid, I can actually go.

I actually like staying at home or doing activities with just the boys and myself. I feel safe and secure with them. Especially David, poor guy is like my stress sponge, whatever I can't handle he takes on. But that isn't healthy for him either.
Rarely, good things happen in my life. This has been going on for a long, long time. The good things in my life I can count on one hand. I am married to one and the other three I bore.
I really could use a break. Before I break.

Settling for Last Place

Winning is not a realistic goal for me. 

Sometimes I feel like I started running a race many years ago. I started at the same time as many others and kept up for a short while, some lagged behind, some led the pack.  I was toward the middle, but as time went on I was left farther and farther back until people behind me passed me up and people in the lead started to pass me as they rounded the track again.

     

No matter how hard I tried , it seems I kept tripping over my own feet, or stumbling on a pebble. People on the sidelines that were rooting for me left long ago when I started to get farther from the front. They weren't very surprised, they figured it was a matter of time.

Suddenly. I step in a hole. I saw the hole there but thought I could get around it. No such luck. I fall down hard and am injured. I don't want to continue anymore and it is pointless since I am so far behind everyone else. I'll never catch up. I could try again in a different race but I feel like I have tried so much already, I don't want to do it anymore.Now I sit there and cry. Not sure what to do now. I have nobody to offer me any guidance or support. I'd like some advice but I am all alone now, everyone just keeps running and going around me. they think I should have seen the hole, it is my own fault. 

But David and the boys are still watching me from the sidelines. They rush to me and help me up. They help me off the track. They still love me even though I fell down.  Even though I didn't win, and I won't ever win. 

I am not sure when I will have a chance to be in any more races. Not sure what kind of race I am best suited for. I wish I knew what to do next.

Shame

Who knew I would enjoy the domestic life? I really like being at home with kids, cleaning and baking and walking to the park. I like not having the stress of a job on my shoulders. Maybe I did not realize just how much stress and responsibility I was carrying in my day to day job as a nurse. Every day going home and wondering if you will get a call that you documented something incorrectly, or someone made a complaint. Or you forgot to do something.

But when I see people I know out in town, I know that they are aware of my arrest. People in the health care field talk, so I know that they know what happened. And I wonder if they are judging me, feeling sorry for me. Do they still like me? Are they being genuinely kind? I make slightly awkward small talk and walk away. I don't want to discuss my situation, even though they might wonder.

I don't feel the shame when I am around people I don't know or when I am alone. I have made peace with myself. That is most important.
But I often feel like I want to move away to a new place to start fresh. A new start.

Happy?

Merrily, I was driving down the road as I realized how good I felt, how happy I was. I smiled and looked back at Joshua watching the world go by from his car seat blissfully unaware of the stresses and worries of the world.

And then I felt an odd sense of guilt. I thought "Wait a second, I was arrested! I still have to meet with my attorney and go to court and who stinkin' knows what will happen? I shouldn't feel happy. I should feel shame or something, I guess. What's wrong with me?"
But I suppose it would be a miserable life to feel shame for the rest of my life. I'm in no way proud of what has happened but it certainly does not define me. It's merely another chapter in the book of my life, and hopefully I will be stronger from  it. My arrest is not me. Just something that happened to me. My struggles are not me, just part of my life experience.

You know, I was so naive and gullible as a teen. Anyone could convince me of anything. Now I feel so foolish from those days.
I wish I knew what I know now, then. I would have made much better choices. But then I wouldn't have learned the lessons that led me to what I am today.

I actually like myself the way I am now. I refuse to spend  my life in shame. That's just the way it is.