I was reading some of my old blogs from years ago and I was so stressed out about money all the time. And about having two wee little boys also. And having a crazy drunken family. Well, life is easier now that Sean is a teen. Even though he's an angry teen. And Seth, well, Seth is Jackie now, my daughter. I never thought I would have daughter but here I am. Her hair is long and curly and wavy and she asks me to help her with her eye makeup. I really have to help her learn some girl stuff, like underarm shaving and leg shaving and lip gloss. And we still need to buy some girl clothes for her. Just when I need a mall there isn't one. THERE ISN"T A MALL ANYWHERE! How am I supposed to help my daughter try on clothes? She doesn't know what fits and what doesn't.
It's also different having a member of my family as a member of the LGBTQ community because sometimes people don't generally know it and say some stupid shit until I correct them and tell them my daughter is trans. But I just educate them a bit and sometimes that's all it takes. People are more accepting here than in Florida. There were a lot of very conservative folks in the south that didn't like people different than them. The high school has a very progressive transgender student policy and I am very happy about that. Jackie is officially Jackie on all the school records now. And she is happy. Very happy. I love her.
Joshua is my BFF. We hang together often. He's my sunshine and I just love him. He's in 3rd. grade now but we like to take walks together and go have adventures together.
I passed my FBI background check for my New Hampshire nursing license and that is proof that I have been redeemed from all the shit that I have done. The arrest, the drugs, The mental health court. I paid my fines. All the shame. The loss of friends that I worked with. The loss of my identity. I never thought I'd ever be a nurse again. I thought that my career was off the table for good. If anyone knew my story there is no way they would want me working at their facility. I was led out of my place of employment in handcuffs in front of all my patients. I spent a year in a deep depression. I never thought I'd find my way back.
But I passed it. And it makes me think of this line from The Shawshank Redemption....
"Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side."
Because that's what I did. I crawled through a river of shit, evictions, homelessness, repossessions, living in hotels, marijuana, oxycodone, cocaine, so much cocaine, promiscuity, poverty, drunkenness, I destroyed relationships with my family. David hurt relationships with his family, My dad kicked us out of his house, I got fired from so many jobs, David got arrested for strangling me after he found me fucking a 25 year old man at our house while he was at work, we had an open relationship that lasted over a year and David's mom died. All in about three years. Then when I snorted all our money we moved to New Hampshire because we had burned all of our other bridges and we needed somewhere to stay because we were broke and homeless.
On a whim I applied for a nursing job at the urging of David's dad I applied at the Morrison. I was hired immediately. After I got my Multistate license in order I was good to go. I was still using the fingerprints from Florida from before my arrest so I figured I was ok for awhile. The Morrison gave me 25.00 an hr. so I figured I hit the jackpot! I'm able to pay the bills with plenty leftover for whatever. We don't have to count change or even have to check the bank balance before going to the grocery store! I can buy clothes or shoes for the kids whenever. I'm finally living well and comfortably.
Eventually I had to change my license over from a Florida to a New Hampshire license which required me to redo my fingerprints. I've had anxiety regarding my fingerprints for five fucking years. But no escaping it now. But after three months of waiting it went through. I passed. I'm clean as a whistle. So to all of my family or whomever that was ashamed of me or thought I was going to be a loser forever, guess what. Nope. I'm not wealthy but I have everything I need and more. So I'm doing just fine in these mountains.
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