You know...

I kinda feel silly about the title of my blog because i sleep really well now. Seth sleeps 12 hours in a row at night so do not have any sleep issues anymore( thank god!) I am very glad to no longer have a sleepless life.

Wow! It's been a while!

Thanksgiving is closing in...only a few days away actually. And i don't even know if I have the stinking day off. I have the option of choosing a certain holiday i want off and my number one choice was Christmas, thanksgiving being number two. I hope I have Christmas off actually since it will be Seth's first one that he's able to participate somewhat. Oh what fun it will be...I just love this time of year.
Seth crawls, crawls and crawls everywhere but will not walk! He can take a few steps but flops down and will prefer to crawl to his destination. I was a late walker too according to my mom so i won't panic yet.
My sister is expecting and we are all soooo excited. Much more excited than her I think. I cannot wait to hold the baby. I bet it will be absolutely adorable, I have a feeling that it will be a girl Due in June...I think.
David and I are the same...maybe better but i don't think any worse. I have an appointment scheduled to see Dr. Gonzalez to address my anxiety issues. I think i have a tendency towards obsessive behavior and definitely low self esteem. Some days are soooo great and then I am miserable others. Sometimes I think that if finances were not an issues I would feel so much better. As it stands I feel awfully sad that I cannot afford any Christmas presents right now. My credit card is even maxed out so I don't know what I am going to do.
Seth and I went to the cemetery yesterday to visit Papaw and attempt to find Mrs. Schell ( didn't find her though) The day was absolutely lovely...slightly cooler and breezy. Seth had a great time crawling everywhere and playing in the dirt. He kept wanting to brush the grass clipping from the name plates so he got very dirty. We were there for over an hour just wandering around...so peaceful and quiet. I love the cemetery. We will return for a visit next week...the weather will be even cooler. Maybe we should visit Indian Springs cemetery next time. Eh, actually that place has headstones so he would want to climb on everything so maybe not.
Today we are going to the playground so that should be fun. So long for now...

Poor poor New Orleans

What a lovely place. How sad that it is no longer. It may have been a dirty old town as dirty old towns go but the music!, the 24 hour bars!, the gambling!. What a delightful place to sin! David and I had wanted to go back one day but it won't be the same now. All the historical old buildings and the old cemetery...will they still exist? The house of the rising sun and the old houses in the garden disrict, will they be there?
How I remember wandering the streets of New Orleans half crocked looking for the next happy hour. doing shots with David at one of the many ,many bars. The old run down looking building that was actually a very quaint dark piano bar. We sat around the piano requesting songs. Taking a shortcut through Harrah's to see if we could make some quick cash to drink with, or even milking our time at a nickle slot so that we could get free drinks at the casino. Oh, how the alcohol flowed!!!
I remember wanting to get my fortune read by one of the many psychics in the square if front of the chapel. How I should have...I wonder what has happened to those poor people now? I even wonder about the girl at the Dunkin Donuts that we saw every day (since we woke up at noon ready for breakfast) I remember sitting at some corner bar while David drank some frozen concoction that was advertised as the most alcoholic drink. I don't remember what it had in it but was very, very strong. How I wish i could remember place names and locations. But my memory does not serve me well. I did stand on the top floor of a mall parking garage so that David could get a photo of the Superdome. I did go on the tour of the old cemetery, quite hungover,I might add. How David left a token at "the voodoo queen" Marie Leveau's grave site.
What fun we had! Maybe New Orleans will come back better that ever, how I long to hear the sounds of jazz in the streets again.

It's a boring Sunday.

My marriage seems a little warmer lately. But no sex...I know that he would be thrilled if I initiated it but he seems to stay up so late and he seems to always be drinking. I don't find that attractive. This morning he was so grumpy and irritable and I woke up happy...well he shot THAT down real quickly. He's always been foul in the AM so that's nothing new, I usually just ignore it. He really is a good person. These are all the things that I love about him.
1. He has alot of honesty and integrity.
2. helpful, as long as I ask ,of course
3. He loves me very, very much and takes good care of us. I think that he would do just about anything to make sure that we are safe and provided for.
4. He absolutely adores Seth, he is such a proud dad.
5. he is a hard worker. He has a good job and he never calls out sick so that he can bring home a good paycheck. Even when he's sick and aching from the work and hates his boss...he sticks with it for us.
6. he has a wonderful sense of humor and always knows how to make me smile when i need it.
7. He is very thoughtful and polite
8. He's not selfish ( unfortunately I think I am)
9. He is an excellent cook and makes dinner for us frequently so I don't have to.
10. He doesn't expect much out of me, he's not demanding at all.
11. It might take a little prodding at times, but when I ask him to do a job(ie.yardwork, clean garage,etc.) he does a thorough and excellent job.
12. He's an attractive fellow, I think. Lovely hazel eyes and beautiful dark, shiny hair.
13. He's sensitive and emotional; not too much to where he's crying all the time but enough so that it's obvious that he has a great capacity for love and appreciation for the wonderful things.
12. He's very friendy and personable. He has an easy time making friends where I ,in fact, do not.
13. He's very intelligent. He has knowledge of things that I would never expect, like art history,for instance. He's enjoys reading(maybe too much?)

There are plenty more but I think that's enough for now.
Now that I read the list i think that the problem is me. What do I do now?

he hates me

I feel as if I would be happier without him. Especially since he doesn't like me. When I try to hug him or say I love you he seems irritated so I'm not going to say it anymore. No more" Bye,I love yous" I'm just too tired for sex all the time. Shoot, I am to tired to walk around the block! personally I don't understand who would want to have sex with my disgusting body anyway, whatever. He complains that I don't love him but I am just too worn out to work at a marriage. Between the boy and work and cleaning and worrying about money to pay bills, I barely even care to eat. Sometimes eating seems like too much hassle, I'd rather drink a V8 and be on my way. Too much to do and not enough energy to do it. A shower seems like a lot of work at this point. But it has to be done. i don't feel much better.

Why do I feel so sad?

I think my marriage is in trouble and it makes me wonder what I was thinking in the first place when I got married. When he gets home he reads, or plays his video game or watches TV. He rarely bothers to interact with Seth except when he first gets home or on occasions that I am in the shower or decide to go to the store alone ( Even when THAT happens ,he suggests " why don't you take the boy?") I feel as if he wants no part of family life. I thought he was ready for this as I was. He NEVER feeds, bathes, or rocks the baby. He rarely plays with him or even changes him. It makes me so sad. I don't mind taking take of the baby alone but if I were to do that I would prefer not to work full time as well, you know? I also clean the house, do the laundry, make sure all the bills are paid. I feel like I do EVERYTHING around here, and he just wants to relax. I definitely don't want to have sex with hyim because at this point I feel NO respect for him so I certainly don't feel attracted to him, and I also feel like my body is gross anyway, but thats a whole different story. I should have held out for a guy that was a bit more together. David just won't grow up. What to do?

I miss my mom!

My mom is in NY until Wed and boy do I miss her! I didn't realize how lucky I was to have her as a babysitter. I miss her happy face at 630 AM; I miss having the knowledge that Seth is in good hands all day. Meanwhile, I have walter's girlfriend watching Seth, she's just not as good. honestly I don't think that she feeds him properly. I really don't think that the feeds him enough. He always eats a full jar of food for me and then he only ate a couple bites for her? David said that she fed him half a jar an then tried to feed him the other half because I told her I don't like half empty jars of babyfood in the fridge. What the hell? Why would I say that? Besides I always have half empty jars in there. I am NOT going to waste perfectly good baby food, you know! David started to get upset about me getting harsh with her. I told him I never said anything like that, and of course he took HER side. He said " I don't know any reason ,she would lie to me" Hmmmmmm, maybe because she is a liar!!!!!If she is trying to start something, it's not going to work. I just have to put up with her for two more days... Michelle said this girl has a habit of lying about insignificant things so I know it's not just me. Gotta catch the boy....

It's 88 and sunny...

Finally, the rain has gone. Now we can get back to the regularly scheduled 100 degree weather. moving on...
I am a fool...an enormous, gigantic fool. I mispronounced "hydroCEPHalus" at work yesterday. I said "hydrocephAlus". The 3-11 nurse corrected and me and I felt dumb. I know that people there don't think much of me and I have brought this onto myself, but why do I have to be so dense. I really am not an idiot, I just don't think sometimes. It doesn't help that I never liked this particular nurse. I honestly don't think I have ever seen her smile..people like that irritate me. Life might not be all rosy everyday, but if you're miserable every day all of the time then you need to make some life changes.
I just despise having any contact with her or her nasty daughter.
Seth is sleeping right now. I guess I should eat and perhaps clean the bathroom;maybe pay the electric bill. Maybe make a Dr. appt. for Seth's check-up. Ta-Ta for now.

It's a rainy Saturday...

Ick..Tropical storms stink, but not as much as hurricanes. All this wind makes me nervous reminding me of Charley last year. I think by late tomorrow that this weather will have passed us. Hopefully. Rain is depresssing.
David cut his hair and highlighted it, he said I was making him cut off his happiness. Puhlease.. I think his hair looks wonderful. Geez, i just love him. it was just so scraggly looking, so unattractive. He's such a good looking guy. If I wasn't so tired tonight.....
Seth has two teeth poking through his upper gums. Finally! Maybe he won't be so grumpy anymore and I can get some sleep at night. Seriously, poor guy. i hate to see him sad and cranky. He still cruises around the house trying to get into EVERYTHING. And boy does he crawl FAST. I don't know what i am going to do when he begins walking. I think it will be soon. He's quite ambitious.
I am so happy to be back at my old job!!!! It took 11 months but we are finally up and running agin. All of our old patients are coming back this month and it will be nicer than it was before. All three floors were redone and they look very classy. Each bed in the nursing home section has a plasma TV and the call system is completely computerized. Now we just have to hope no hurricanes destroy the place again. I am very happy.
I must sleep before I pass out from exhaustion. Must be up for the 6 AM hour. ick.

Well it's June the 21st

Seth is stilla crawler and puller -upper. Keeps me awfully busy. We went to Tampa aquarium last weekend and had a nice time. Though Seth screamed and screamed and screamed and would not go to sleep at the hotel, I was so afraid that the people in the room next to us were going to complain. But they didn't. It is exhausting travelling with a small boy. Oh I finished out my last days at my work. Eh, no one cared. They probably won't even notice that I am no longer there. Seth and I visited Pat's house on thurs. Seth had his first swim in a pool and loved it. He was a bit unsure at first but eventually became a little too comfortable in the water, attempting to climb out of the swim ring and dipping his face in the water. So David purchased a kiddie pool this past weekend for him and I to use on hot days. Seth seemed to really like it. He's so cute! The last couple days have been too rainy to go in though. Maybe tomorrow. Actually tomorrow I need to drop off my Rx for my contact lenses so Seth is going to my mom's for a few.We'll see. Maybe the next day we'll go swimming. What the hell, i don't have job right now .What else do I have to do but play and entertain the boy. David will be home soon.

Ugh! Tuesday

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 28 years old..emphasis on the OLD. For some reason I feel like a complete loser today. I just want to cry, cry and cry some more. No one in my family has called me to make any plans for my birthday. I wanted a dinner at Mamaw's but she's probably too busy. I wanted a massage but the therapist is sick. I just feel sad. My mom told me I am selfish. I think she's a pain in my butt. Thank goodness at least my son still loves me. Perhaps I am selfish. So sorry if I don't want to live my life for everyone else. So sorry that I am concerned about my own well being over being concerned for others. I don't care right now. Blech!

Friday! Friday! friday!

When I turned in my resignation my boss was rather indifferent. I don't think she really cared. But I feel SOOO much better. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Oh and Wed. southport called and offered me the much coveted 7-3 shift. Yay!!! Only my mom is taking a vacation in July so I am going to have to find a back-up baby sitter. I'm sure I can find someone. Anyone want to watch a very, very cute 8 month old boy for 8 hours!? He's very smiley and did I mention cute?
My birthday is in less than a week. I cannot believe I will be 28 years old. That sounds so...old. Tommorow David and I are off to Ft. Myers Beach. Time for some R&R for my birthday. Though if you ask David it's just a good excuse to get drunk. (Honestly, how can someone drink EVERYDAY and not get sick of alcohol?) At least I will be there to monitor his drinking, since he doesn't have any self control that is. Mom will keep the baby overnight. I might as well take advantage of this opportunity while she's still able to watch him. Well, time to eat before Seth awakens...

Tues noonish.

Wow! This weekend was busy! I painted some of the back wall of the house and the stucco in the porch AND I did alot of cleaning. Of course that was on top of taking care of Seth. He's has been sooo active it just wears me out! He wants to crawl and stand and have someone hold him up so he can walk. He ALWAYS crawls to me when he's on the floor. I wish, actually, that he would play independently but no such luck. I am so worn out. Last night he was up for an hour and a half. He wasn't in pain or hungry, he just wanted to be held I guess. I don't know what to do, he fights sleep so much! Anyway, David made a wonderful dinner last night, we had ribs and steak ,mashed potatoes, and broccoli. I'm so lucky to have him.
Today I turn in my resignation letter, I am rather nervous about it but it has to be done. I just can't stand it there anymore. I hope it goes smoothly.

Bad morning

He finally got home around 1130 PM. I was just about to go to bed actually. It seemed he was taking an awfully long time to get in the door ,so I thought I'd go investigate. Up the drive he saunters with big steps and a goofy grin. Swaying a little I might add. I immediately exclaimed "Oh my gosh, why didn't you call me?" Apparently his friend's girlfriend drove him home which made me feel better. At first he was happy then he morphed into drunken stage 2 and quickly into drunken stage 3. Let me explain:
Stage 1. He has had a bit more to drink than he is used to, usually liquor of some type. He becomes very smiley and loving. Extremely affectionate. Tells me how much he loves me and how sexy I am. Over and over..
Stage 2. Increasingly becomes depressed. " I should have...." "I could have been...." My life has been wasted" I haven't accompished anything" Usually he goes on and on about how he should have been a rich and famous singer in a great band instead of a lowly carpet installer with a wife and kid ( okay so he doesn't add the last part, but he might as well) I used to console him, now I just give him a few encouraging words. I'm not heartless I have just been through this before.
Stage 3. Angry and argumentative, very overly emotional. Likes to start arguments at this point. The two times he threatened to leave and actually packed his stuff, he was stage 3 drunkeness. He always, ALWAYS talks about leaving me and everything that is wrong with our relationship. It hurts but I don't take it seriously or even feed into the discussion because I know he won't remember the next day anyway.

Last night was no exception. He said I should move in with my mom and he would take care of the baby and bills. He said that we aren't best friends anymore. That we have drifted apart and the only happy thing in his life is Seth. He 's mad that we don't get intimate as much anymore. He's mad that I work evening hours and don't spend enough time with him, and if I don't change my hours we are done.

I did try to explain that I am too worn out to be intimate many evenings, also I feel like I have run out of affection when he comes home because I have taken care of the baby all day. I also can't find a job that has 7-3 shift available, it's a hard shift to get because everyone wants it. I don't know what to do.
He was throwing up all night and Seth was restless so obviously I didn't sleep well.
Anyway I thought he'd feel a little better this morning ( he didn't) Seth was crawling on the floor while I put away the laundry and he crawled right into the metal part of the bed frame..apparently shaking the bed he hit it so hard. David immediately picks him up and looks acusingly at me and said " that probably caused brain damage, these things wouldn't happen if your mama was watching you" I WAS WATCHING HIM. I tried to explain that he hits his head all the time, I cannot pad the entire house. Anyway, I am very very hurt now. I know I don't endanger my son. He's a baby and they have accidents.

Wed night

I feel better now. I had a good day and so did Seth..I tell ya that kid has a lot of love in him. It just makes me melt. Eh, Not so much at 4 AM. David is out with some friends . I guess he has a friend that was in some reality show so now he's a local celebrity or something. Anyway, he's having a special thing at a local club and David is going to play his bass for the karaoke band. Whatever... I'm enjoying my alone time actually. Seth is sound asleep. Now I am hungry, I am going to eat my pizza and watch " House" that I recorded last night. I feel content right now.

Wednesday

Today I called the Dr. office regarding the bill I had received for Seth's visits. It stated $355 and I swear it was supposed to be $255. So I called and Apparently one payment wasn't on there so the true balance is $305. I still felt this was in correct and let her know crying and yelling all the time. She of course got nasty with me " you should be prepared when you call about a bill" So I doid my research and turns out her info was correct, I got all upset for nothing. Wel I will NOT call back and let her know she was right. I just feel far too bitchy.
In this whole process the printer wasn't working correctly and I thought I was going to scream and throw it across the room! Grrrrr. Why do I get so mad? Meanwhile poor Seth is just watching me get upset with a perplexed expression on his face.
Of course I would never hurt him but why can't I just enjoy ife and enjoy my adorable little boy instead of being so obsessed with everything getting done and put in it's place. My obsessive nature is ruining my life. I just can't accomplish everything that needs to be done in a proper amount of time and I'm afraid that if I miss something that my life will somehow unravel. How did I get this way? How can I stop? I don't want to take medication because I 'm tired all day and can't sleep at night ( and I have enough problems sleeping!) I just can't seem to relax. Oh my poor husband told me today that he hates his life and I feel sorry that my son has me for a mother. Why do I destroy relationships with everyone that I love the most. Why can't I be normal and happy instead of feeling so much hatred for everything in life that I don't like. Poor David says that I have been very hateful and I agree. I think I hate myself. Oh what is little Seth going to grow up to be with parents like this..we need (ineed) to get our acts together for his sake. I miss my hapy sweet husband. I miss my happy sweet me. What happehed? I wish someone could give me and answer but I know only I know the answer and I don't know if I'm willing to think back and find out. Maybe I'm just not meant to have kids. Oh dear. I'm going to go take a nap while Seth sleeps.

Tuesday May 24, 2005

Things that bug me today...
1. I hate my job, I have writted out a resignation letter but should I turn it in ..or not? I do need the money and I don't know when I will be starting at my old job. But meanwhile I am miserable and I have an awful attitude at work. I feel like I ma not helping anyone by staying at a job that makes me miserable.
2.My bills are too much. We won't be getting the $12,000 from the refinancing of the house for a few weeks and the mortgage is almost due. Which will take up ALL of my money. GRRRR. Why do I need 100 channels on my TV anyway? If I got rid of the super stupid expensive digital cable we would save a bit of money, but he insists that he's has always wanted movie channels. I don't have time to watch movies!!! I really don't think it's a priority. Oh and why does the temp. in the house have to be 74 degrees and 72 at night. We are freezing!
3. I hate my car. It's a piece of crap but it's paid off and it runs. My point is ..why should I drive myself and my baby around in an old crap car if I don't have to? I should have a decent car. He was being ridiculous when he HAD to get the sportscar. It is so not a family vehicle and I think it was a bit selfish of him to get it. We should have gotten an SUV or truck.
4.I wish all of the home improvements were finished. By the time they are done we will probably get hit with another hurricane. If so I'm taking the insurance money and running far, far, away this time. I still have a half painted house and a taped up lanai. And I don't even want to think of all that needs to be done to the inside of the garage.
5Why hasn't Pat called me back..I want to know what's going on at my old work. When will I be restarting?
6. Did I mention I hate my job.
7. My life is dull. I wish I could get more sleep. But Seth wouldn't dare allow that..
8. I hate 90 degree weather. It's too hot and humid and sweaty here. Floirida stinks. Everyone's old. I guess that benefits me as far as job security but when I am off work I would like to be around people my own age. I wish I had some friends.
9. Oh and I hate paying for everything from housing supplies to groceries and toys r us stuff on my credit card. I don't like being in debt. How did this happen to me? i was so good about money. I wish David was more frugal. Then I wouldn't be tempted to shop so much.
Thats all for now...