Wednesday

Today I called the Dr. office regarding the bill I had received for Seth's visits. It stated $355 and I swear it was supposed to be $255. So I called and Apparently one payment wasn't on there so the true balance is $305. I still felt this was in correct and let her know crying and yelling all the time. She of course got nasty with me " you should be prepared when you call about a bill" So I doid my research and turns out her info was correct, I got all upset for nothing. Wel I will NOT call back and let her know she was right. I just feel far too bitchy.
In this whole process the printer wasn't working correctly and I thought I was going to scream and throw it across the room! Grrrrr. Why do I get so mad? Meanwhile poor Seth is just watching me get upset with a perplexed expression on his face.
Of course I would never hurt him but why can't I just enjoy ife and enjoy my adorable little boy instead of being so obsessed with everything getting done and put in it's place. My obsessive nature is ruining my life. I just can't accomplish everything that needs to be done in a proper amount of time and I'm afraid that if I miss something that my life will somehow unravel. How did I get this way? How can I stop? I don't want to take medication because I 'm tired all day and can't sleep at night ( and I have enough problems sleeping!) I just can't seem to relax. Oh my poor husband told me today that he hates his life and I feel sorry that my son has me for a mother. Why do I destroy relationships with everyone that I love the most. Why can't I be normal and happy instead of feeling so much hatred for everything in life that I don't like. Poor David says that I have been very hateful and I agree. I think I hate myself. Oh what is little Seth going to grow up to be with parents like this..we need (ineed) to get our acts together for his sake. I miss my hapy sweet husband. I miss my happy sweet me. What happehed? I wish someone could give me and answer but I know only I know the answer and I don't know if I'm willing to think back and find out. Maybe I'm just not meant to have kids. Oh dear. I'm going to go take a nap while Seth sleeps.