New Hampshire

So we left our jobs and moved to live with David's dad. In New Hampshire. So I've experienced a wide range of emotions in the past couple weeks. And I'm still adjusting to leaving everything behind.
I didn't have much in Englewood but here I have less. LOL. not really. I'm still trying to find my place in this world. I'm still numb and I always want to cry. I've said goodbye to people I loved and people who loved me. And I'm thankful for internet access so I can talk to them.
But I miss everything I have ever known.

Pain

If I even tried to touch on what I have been through in the last few years it wouldn't even come close to telling my story but it involves legal issues, addiction, drugs, mental illness, abuse, infidelity, life, death, evictions, repossession, multiple jobs, poverty, homelessness, love, hate, and sex.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes me stronger but I just feel broken down. So broken. But honestly I gave up after my arrest. I've been existing since then. Mostly just feeling numb about the world.
Ive been trying my hardest to feel anything at all and having only some success. Sometimes the numbness is preferable to the emotional pain I feel for being a failure.
Sometimes I laugh and I love to joke around. My favorite people are those that make me laugh and smile. It's feels wonderful. But deep in my brain I'm always suffering to some extent. I try to suppress it, to ignore it. Or distract myself.

I know my kids would miss me and, damn, I love them more than anything but they deserve better than me.

But, goddamn, the pain can be unbearable.

Baby Bird

Joshua likes to pretend he is a baby bird. I'm, obviously, mommy bird. He snuggles with me and cheeps and tweets and occasionally stands up to flap his pretend baby wings.
When he's crabby I call him my baby bird and he cheers up.

edit...this is an old blog that I discovered under drafts so I decided to publish it three years after it was written.

Oy.

Sometimes I want to scream as loud as I can and throw things and punch things until either they break, or I break. 

Sometimes I want to sleep forever and ever.

Other times I feel nothing at all. UNcomfortably numb.

I assume I have lingered in a chronic depression for a very long time. Some days are okay and others, very bad. 

Sometimes I wish I had a visible physical ailment or a pain that I could just go have a tests done and once it was confirmed, I could receive the proper treatment. 

Mental illness is far more complex. Only I can describe my symptoms to someone else to give me treatment. But I have never been anyone else to compare my emotions to theirs. 

Maybe everybody feels this way and I am just more sensitive to it? I really doubt it. But it's hard to say how I feel is severe depression or minor or chronic. Maybe my anxiety makes it worse. Maybe I am just a worrywart.

Perhaps I am just a miserable person and that is my personality. 

Considering I love to laugh and have a wicked sense of humor, I don't think I am generally miserable. That wouldn't make sense.

I experience suicidal ideations every day. When I read an obituary or an article about someones death I feel envy. 

They don't have to suffer anymore. No more pain and anguish anymore. And most of all they are free from financial stresses. 

I have stated often that I would not be here if it weren't for my kids. They need me so I exist to care for them. David says he needs me too, but he could survive without me. It's the kids I worry about. And the cost for my funeral. That would be an extra burden on my family.

But, no worries, I am not going to die. If there is any higher being, I am sure they plan to punish me for whatever for as long as possible. I will probably suffer until I die of old age at 110, with my luck. 

I certainly hope not to live that long. Another ten years maybe and then I will be ready. Joshua will be 13 and the boys will be 18 and 21. 

I hear you saying, " goddamnit go to a freaking doctor already!!" 

But, and there is always a but, I have no transportation, and most importantly, no baby sitter for Joshua. 

I have no friends and no close family, at all. Not even one person. Except David and he works very early, until late. 

Each day is long and each day is, eh just another day. Another day in a wasted life. Another day. 

Joshua brings me sunshine where, otherwise, there would be none.

the days of whine and roses

Time is ticking down to when we have to be out of the house. We have  been doing plenty of cleaning and getting rid plenty of stuff.
Unfortunately, I am married to a pack rat/ hoarder/ slob, so to get him to part with some items are more than frustrating. He seems to have this idea that all this old junky nonsense might, one day, be worth something.
My amateur opinion of those items is that they will only be good to recycle. No fool would pay for his old junk.

Some of his crap we've been moving place to place and it just takes up space. He has boxes of t-shirts and hats he has memories attached to.

We hope to move to a local town until the end of the school years. But really aspire to leave the state eventually. I want my kids to get out of this nowhere town. Someplace with culture and entertainment. I've been trying to get out for my entire life. I hope I can do it.O:-)

change

We knew the eviction notice was coming but didn't know when. The house we are renting had been in foreclosure for a couple years. I think they just finalized the process in January. We got our notice on Feb.1. 24 hours we had to get out! David was able to get us three weeks. We are hoping we will have our $7,000 from taxes by then so we can get a new place.
We all want to move away, anywhere, and we are excited about that. I need a fresh start. I only hope I can transfer my probation to wherever it may be.
We all need a change and some new scenery. New people. Maybe a younger town, one with museums and nicer parks. I would like some cheap transit system. We are thinking a lot about Tennessee.
 It's going to be stressful and not easy. I'm tired of being stuck in this town.

Memories are weird.

Tis the season of endless Christmas songs. Last night I heard this Nat King Cole tune lightly wafting from the boys' stereo, alerting me that Thanksgiving is now over and Christmas season has begun. I stood in the hall listening quietly as it registered a part of my memory. Not as much the specific song, but the music. It brought me to many, many years ago. But not a specific memory,more like a feeling of a moment. A familiar  and comforting moment. It was a pleasant feeling. A feeling of being safe and happy. Oddly, enough I don't know exactly where or when. 

My Papaw died in 1985 of complications from Alzheimers disease. After he died, I remember finding tapes of Nat King Cole around my Mamaw's house after he died. I can only assume the memories of the Nat King Cole music is from my early years when he was alive.  I am not even sure. 

Strange how unusual things can trigger a memory. A song, a sound, even an aroma. Fortunately, mine are all good memories. Even if I can't picture it in my mind.

Seth

As a kid I never "oohed" or "awwed" over kids and babies. But I was a rather abnormal child. Oddly enough, I always knew I wanted to have children one day. There was nothing more appealing to me that spending my olden years surrounded by my kids and grandkids on holidays.

Seth was born in late 2004, the first of my three sons. And he is dramatically different from the other two.
He is me.
Actually, quite a bit better than me.

He's very intelligent and loves to read. So much so that he has gotten in trouble for reading too often in school instead of paying attention.

He loves to talk to anyone, yet is somewhat socially awkward. This makes me sad.

He is highly anxious and worries about anything and everything. He is extremely anxious when it comes to Joshua. He is so concerned about something bad happening to Joshua. As a fellow sufferer of anxiety, I try to help him with calming techniques as much as I can.

Seth is extremely sensitive and easily upset, especially at school. If he doesn't understand something he might cry out of frustration. One kid that was in a class with him said he wished he had earplugs.
:( Teachers can't stand him because he needs extra encouragement and reassurance( not their fault, they have a lot of kids to tend to and they don't have the time)
Seth becomes obsessed with things he is interested in. Lately it is a Youtube series called "Battle for Dream Island" or something. He has printed out the characters and cut them out and pasted them on popsicle sticks and has them perform episodes, rolling dice to determine the outcome. He knows their personalities and voices.

He loves non-traditional or typically girl toys. he often wonders why the cool toys are for girls. He loves My Little Pony and wants a Bratz Doll. But at the same time he is extremely insecure in the fact that he enjoys these toys. I told him that he can play with whatever he wants, toys are toys. Sean sometimes picks on him and I shut that down quickly.

I feel very protective over Seth. Because he is so much me.
Sean will be fine in life, but I am more concerned about Seth because he is so quirky and unusual. In his adulthood those traits can allow him to excel, but until then, other kids (and teachers) tend not as accepting of his differences.

He saw a psychologist a few years ago that determined that Seth simply "marches to the beat of his own drummer"
And I love that about him. I hope he's never forced to change.

Decisions

One day, to distract myself from reality, I read an article about a young nun and her reasons to go into a convent and some of her experiences. I found it quite interesting for reasons you may not expect.

I am not a religious person, actually I don't follow one at all. 

But I found myself fantasizing about her life, the young nun. The fact that she doesn't have to make any decisions. At.All.

She has a routine she would follow every day, she had chores to do and she just prays the day away. She doesn't have to make any decisions. If you don't have to do that, you can't make the wrong ones. Right?

Granted, I have no desire to pray the day away. But if I could just exist in a everyday boring routine and not have to decide anything, it would be pure bliss. 

David and I have always joked that we had our first child to make choices for us. even back in the days when we wanted to simply go out to eat, that decision was annoying as heck. 

Then as time goes by, you have to make bigger and more important choices. I don't want to decide because I might make the wrong one and , unlike those "Choose your own Adventure" books of  my youth, you can't go back and pick the other option if you discover you picked a shitty choice.

These days I sit knowing I should do plenty of things, but afraid to do the wrong thing, so I do nothing. That is me.

Perhaps I am so consumed by my anxiety. Thankfully, David is smarter than me. I am pretty lucky he picks up the slack because these days I am quite worthless.

If anyone reads this, they probably think I am a huge whiner. Which is okay. I really don't have anyone to vent to and many years ago a therapist told me to write down my feelings or some nonsense. So that is what I do.  If I don't post anything for a while, that means I am doing okay. I  add to this blog ting when I am feeling my most pathetic. Such is life, I suppose.

But in the last few months, I have been arrested, fired, threw my career away, filed for every government assistance I can, and still cannot pay the bills, or the rent. David works his butt off for little money and I have no qualifications to get a job other than the career I cannot continue in. So I think anyone else would be miserable as well. It  is what it is and sometimes I think I just exist in a low level depression and self loathing, functioning day to day. I don't see a bright future for myself. And that is hard to realize.
For years, I could always find a light at the end of the tunnel. But it isn't there for me anymore.

The Haunting story of David Sharp

I have always had a fascination with all thing macabre or horrifying. The creepier and stranger the tale, the more interesting I find it.
Today I stumbled across a documentary on Mount Everest and the fact that over 200 people have died atop the mountain and many, due to the extremely high cost of removing them from the mountain, end up remaining there frozen in time. The bodies lie there in the snow as climbers step over them. Apparently, some of the bodies are pushed off of ledges and cliffs so they will be out of view.
David Sharp was a British climber that froze to death on the mountain in 2006. The documentary I saw actually had him in it.  The group doing the documentary passed him while he was huddled in a cave, they thought he was already dead at first but noticed movement and breath vapor. They encouraged him to keep moving and went on their way. 30-40 people passed him dying in the cave and kept going.
I have never even thought about climbing  a mountain. Heck, I have only seen snow once. But I am so haunted by the fact that this poor man froze to death all alone in the span of a day. Granted, at that altitude hypoxia and frostbite are so common, one has to keep moving or die. But I cannot imagine walking past a barely alive human being and continue to move on.
I just imagine what that poor man was thinking sitting in that cave knowing he would probably freeze to death alone in the dark. The thought horrifies me.
Apparently his frozen body remained there for a year before he was moved. A grim reminder to other climbers that it could happen to them, too.

Avoidance

Not an effective way to deal with stress or stressful situations. Avoidance has been my coping mechanism for a very long time.
I realize that I think I may have been tiptoeing around my anxiety for longer than I even imagined. By avoiding things that may trigger that response, I avoid the end result which might be anxiety or worsening depression.
Things that I am avoiding:

1. Getting a job, ohh a big one. I am scared to death to get a job. I just cannot put myself in a new unpredictable situation. That makes me feel uneasy.

2. Visiting my grandmother. I am the worst granddaughter ever. As she is one of my very favorite people on this planet, her progressing dementia is still so difficult for me to face. She is someone else now and I am stuck on the Depression stage of the grieving process, can't get to acceptance. I know I will when it's too late.

3. Trying to make or maintain any friendships. I am alone with Joshua often, but I like the predictability of it. New people =new situations, and there we are again with the anxiety.

4. Making any effort to improve my quality of  life. I have no idea how or what to do. I truly have no idea where my life will take me and as messed up as things are I have no idea what to do about it. It's like a bottleneck in my brain: too many thoughts at once.So I opt to try not to think as much as possible.

5. Making phone calls. I can do this, but have to psych myself up to accomplish it. I may have to talk to someone and I might not know what to say. They will probably find that I am not too bright. Or something else negative, I just know it. This seems to be preventing me from making an appointment with a psychiatrist. Now that I actually have Medicaid, I can actually go.

I actually like staying at home or doing activities with just the boys and myself. I feel safe and secure with them. Especially David, poor guy is like my stress sponge, whatever I can't handle he takes on. But that isn't healthy for him either.
Rarely, good things happen in my life. This has been going on for a long, long time. The good things in my life I can count on one hand. I am married to one and the other three I bore.
I really could use a break. Before I break.

Settling for Last Place

Winning is not a realistic goal for me. 

Sometimes I feel like I started running a race many years ago. I started at the same time as many others and kept up for a short while, some lagged behind, some led the pack.  I was toward the middle, but as time went on I was left farther and farther back until people behind me passed me up and people in the lead started to pass me as they rounded the track again.

     

No matter how hard I tried , it seems I kept tripping over my own feet, or stumbling on a pebble. People on the sidelines that were rooting for me left long ago when I started to get farther from the front. They weren't very surprised, they figured it was a matter of time.

Suddenly. I step in a hole. I saw the hole there but thought I could get around it. No such luck. I fall down hard and am injured. I don't want to continue anymore and it is pointless since I am so far behind everyone else. I'll never catch up. I could try again in a different race but I feel like I have tried so much already, I don't want to do it anymore.Now I sit there and cry. Not sure what to do now. I have nobody to offer me any guidance or support. I'd like some advice but I am all alone now, everyone just keeps running and going around me. they think I should have seen the hole, it is my own fault. 

But David and the boys are still watching me from the sidelines. They rush to me and help me up. They help me off the track. They still love me even though I fell down.  Even though I didn't win, and I won't ever win. 

I am not sure when I will have a chance to be in any more races. Not sure what kind of race I am best suited for. I wish I knew what to do next.

Shame

Who knew I would enjoy the domestic life? I really like being at home with kids, cleaning and baking and walking to the park. I like not having the stress of a job on my shoulders. Maybe I did not realize just how much stress and responsibility I was carrying in my day to day job as a nurse. Every day going home and wondering if you will get a call that you documented something incorrectly, or someone made a complaint. Or you forgot to do something.

But when I see people I know out in town, I know that they are aware of my arrest. People in the health care field talk, so I know that they know what happened. And I wonder if they are judging me, feeling sorry for me. Do they still like me? Are they being genuinely kind? I make slightly awkward small talk and walk away. I don't want to discuss my situation, even though they might wonder.

I don't feel the shame when I am around people I don't know or when I am alone. I have made peace with myself. That is most important.
But I often feel like I want to move away to a new place to start fresh. A new start.

Happy?

Merrily, I was driving down the road as I realized how good I felt, how happy I was. I smiled and looked back at Joshua watching the world go by from his car seat blissfully unaware of the stresses and worries of the world.

And then I felt an odd sense of guilt. I thought "Wait a second, I was arrested! I still have to meet with my attorney and go to court and who stinkin' knows what will happen? I shouldn't feel happy. I should feel shame or something, I guess. What's wrong with me?"
But I suppose it would be a miserable life to feel shame for the rest of my life. I'm in no way proud of what has happened but it certainly does not define me. It's merely another chapter in the book of my life, and hopefully I will be stronger from  it. My arrest is not me. Just something that happened to me. My struggles are not me, just part of my life experience.

You know, I was so naive and gullible as a teen. Anyone could convince me of anything. Now I feel so foolish from those days.
I wish I knew what I know now, then. I would have made much better choices. But then I wouldn't have learned the lessons that led me to what I am today.

I actually like myself the way I am now. I refuse to spend  my life in shame. That's just the way it is.

Hunger

It's a delightful feeling being hungry and unable to decide what to eat because your cabinets are full.
Never take it for granted.
I refuse to be ashamed that  I had to ask for food assistance while we get caught up and get it together. Though I feel society wants me to feel complete and utter shame and feel horrible about it. But you know what is worse? Being really hungry.
Some people like to complain about people like myself "living off of the taxpayer" but I will remind you that I am a taxpayer. I have been gainfully employed for the last 23 years. Now I need help so survive while we get back on our feet. That is why the help is there, is it not? We don't all have a wealthy great-uncle to call when times are tough.

David is working his tail off 40 hours a week and I have applied for a newspaper delivery route, so I am hoping things all work out. My landlord is going to work with us regarding the rent so I don't have to worry about being out on the street anytime very soon. And I am hoping that I can call the Salvation Army to help with the outrageous electric bill this month so it isn't shut off. It's so hot outside.

I have my court date on Monday and I will be meeting with my public defender. They are pushing back my arraignment, so I guess I won't have to worry about going to jail at this point. I really don't think that will happen, first offense and all. I'm crossing my fingers. I don't expect the world to feel bad for someone in my situation. I don't deserve sympathy.  But I am hoping for the best outcome possible for my family and my children. They do not deserve to suffer.
As far as they are concerned, as long as there is plenty of food they are happy and content. Do boys ever stop eating?!

Success

I have been floundering within a mid-life crisis of sorts for a while now. I keep thinking of all the thins I have not yet accomplished, placed I have not been, adventures I have not experienced. And, of course, all of the success I will not ever achieve.

Maybe we are not all supposed to be awesome.

But I always equate success in a rather American manner, by money, wealth, and stuff.

I suppose there are other ways to be successful.
I think my kids are my greatest success. I have some pretty neat kids. And they all seem pretty bright, I suppose.
My shortcomings in my life allow me to realize what is important to create a great kid. As long as I can provide the basics and some emotional support, I hope I can guide them to being good and decent people. I can only hope that my kids turn out better than myself. Isn't that what we all want for our offspring?

    

I try to focus on Maslow's hierarchy of needs to prioritize what I need to accomplish in life. Sometimes I go up a rung, and sometimes I fall back. I may never reach the top but maybe it will be my eventual life's goal to get there. Who knows?

The Continuing Saga...

When you get all the way to bottom, you can't get farther down. Eventually, something good has to happen. The light at the end of the tunnel, I suppose. Yesterday was a pretty good day. 

Since David has been looking for work he has received quite a few potential job offers. Myself on the other hand; none. No calls or anything. But whatever.

David got a job! Full time at Palm Island Resort doing maintenance and repair stuff. Not too shabby. I am very proud of him. :) I have filled out an application to, hopefully, get a newspaper route in the early hours before David goes to work. I will turn it in on Saturday and hopefully something will come of it. 

I also got a public defender for my court date. One less thing to worry about. I will meet with him on my court date and then they will move my arraignment back, so I will have another court date.

My brother said he will watch my boys on the morning of my court date. Another huge sigh of relief. another thing that I can stop worrying about. Though, unfortunately, I will have to go to court alone since David is working now. But  my mother-in-law might be able to go with me. 

Now I just need to get used to being stay-at-home mom and try not to let these boys drive me nuts. Attempting to clean the house with Joshua's "help" is a losing battle. I can't remember how I survived the other two boys "terrible two" years.  Joshua is a constant walking disaster. Everything he touches turns to broken. And he's awfully loud.

The kids are running in circles yelling. Wow. It's a crazy life.

Uncertainty

Oddly enough, I find that I am not unhappy in general. I really like staying home hanging out with my kids and my husband. We laugh a lot. I even enjoy chasing Joshua and cleaning up his messes to some extent.
If we were independently wealthy I would be perfectly content.

But we are not. David and I have both been looking for jobs. Lots of applications. No phone calls.
Because of my arrest, my options are more limited. And outside of healthcare I don't have any experience or skills so I am not really good for anything. I mean,what restaurant or hotel, or whatever would hire a former nurse with no kitchen or retail experience?

Each night I lie in m cozy bed with my cool A/C and wonder how many days until the electricity is turned off. Or where we might go at the end of the month since we cannot pay the rent. I suppose my internet access might be turned off any day. I don't even know where we will store all our furniture and stuff. We've tried to sell items but nobody will buy them.
On Monday we are going to call Salvation Army to see about help with the electricity. It's so hot outside.

I try to downplay everything to the kids. They don't need to worry.

Two-and-a-half weeks until my court date and I am nervous already. David is afraid I will go to jail, but I try not to think too much about that. I don't want to spend my day having a panic attack.
I am still unsure about how I  get a public defender. Do I tell them at the court date? Do I call someone?
I find it interesting that throughout this arrest business, and court dates, and legal stuff, nobody gives me much information about anything. I am not told what to do or what to expect. Just where to go. And many of the people in the jail were mean about it. I have to say there was one guy who was nice and answered some questions for me.
I know that this is not a popular opinion but I think that people who have been arrested are still humans and have thoughts and feelings and unless they are being resistive and unreasonable they should still be treated civilly. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I find that when I see a police car on the road I feel so nervous. Even watching a show like "Cops"makes me feel so anxious. I always seem to have some level of fear when I drive anywhere. I like my home where I feel safe. Nothing can hurt me here.
Shoot, at this point I might not be able to hold a job. Being away from my home for several hours at a time might be too difficult. Once I was fearless, now I am fearful.

I can only try my best.

The New Bad Me

I am having a tough time coming to terms with the fact that I am now a Bad Person.

For 38 years, no matter what happened, or what  I struggled though, I was still a Good Person. Now I cannot say that any longer. though my husband insists that I certainly have not been convicted of anything, but if anyone looks they can see that I have been arrested and what I was charged with. They won't see the court records with the (hopefully) reduced charges. See, I still am not telling so much...you have to look for yourself.

I had a family member get arrested for a DUI, it was decreased to something about reckless driving. See that sounds MUCH better. I wonder if they charge you with something more severe sounding because they know it will be reduced, much like medical places charge insurance twice what they know they will receive.

Everywhere I go, every place I look, I wonder if anyone else around me is a Bad Person, too. And how did they get though it?

And I have also learned people that I thought were Really Good People, have a Bad Person past. But it makes me happy to know that those people survived to continue to have a Good Life. So I guess I don't have to stay here in BadPersonville for the rest of  my life.

Maybe it won't be the end of the world. Not for myself, or my family. And who cares what anyone else thinks.

The Unraveling

Each day I lose a little more hope, I have a little less optimism. My brain won't stop and I have more and more trouble focusing or concentrating for any period of time.
My anxiety never seems to end.
Sometimes I just cry and cry about what might happen. "How will I live. How am I going to support my family. How will I survive. What am I going to do?"

Thank goodness for David, Seth, Sean, and Joshua for their existence.

Or I am sure I would not have much reason to wake up in the morning. I wonder what method of death would be quick and painless. I wonder how many other people are feeling this way, I wonder if my family would be better off without my nonsense.

 I find myself shaking from the anxiety and the madness in my brain. David begs me not to harm myself. But when  am truly upset, when I am at my lowest point, I always think of snuggling with Joshua.
I can;t actually do it.


I was sitting on the floor sobbing when Joshua toddled over and crouched down, He rubbed my head and said, "Okay?" then he put his finger to his lips and said "shhhhhh" I then received a big hug and a kiss.
How could I leave that kid?
But at the same time I wish he had a better mother, A more successful one, on that isnt a loser. I want the best for them, and it;s clearly not myself, I am so lost,

Each day i feel more like reality is not so real, not to me, Since Im broke, I intend to check out the behavioral center on monday and hopefully I will be able speak to a Dr, Maybe an inpatient trip might be needed if I start having a breakdown. We shall see, Swimming is becoming too difficult.