I wish my brain had an ON/OFF switch

While I was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep I was pestered by my brain thinking the nuttiest things. This is what was on my mind.

So what if you woke up one morning and you mind was free of prejudices of any kind. Knowing only what would be considered logically correct. Erase what society and culture has taught you. What would you think about things?
Would you know that killing another human was wrong or would it be something you would do only for self preservation? Maybe nudity isn't shameful we just think it is. Why do we think that? Who originally told us that?

I guess my strange thought occurred as a response to some ponderings about religion. Many times we believe what our parents have taught us. But if I erase that, I wonder which religion is the real one? Are any of them? Are they all kinda based off of one original religion? I know that most people would read this and say, " Christian is the only real one, you loser!" because most of the people I know belong to that one. But how do we know. We have no PROOF. Yes, there are religious texts written thousands of years ago. Throughout translations and rewriting, are the religious texts accurate? What is real?

I could probably ramble on and on about the vastness of the universe and the possibilities of other universes inside black holes and insignificance. But my brain may explode.

Not trying to get into any arguments here, I promise. Sometimes I just like to try to think outside the box.

Facebook Blows and I will tell you why..

Today is one of those days where I feel like I am the most miserable, unfortunate person that exists. It's difficult to realize that there are plenty of people in the world that have it worse. But depression is a selfish bastard. I can only concentrate on what I feel.

I read damn Facebook and in a Facebook rosy world people posts about the wonderful things that they are doing right now. The lovely vacations, the wonderful new car, the beautiful new house. Because that is what Facebook is, right? It's not there to post whiny, grumpy statuses. Nobody wants to know about things that are sad and horrible. And no one wants to admit to people they haven't seen since high school that their life isn't one unending string of successes. That maybe you took a wrong turn or two.
That being said, I don't honestly feel I have made too many wrong turns, but life has a way of not working in your favor sometimes. Job loss, resulting in foreclosure and poor credit, those type of things.
Sometimes you plan to do everything right and then a hurricane comes and tears down your town.

Yesterday I planned to go participate in the Coastal Clean-up with Sean's cub scouts group. I was actually looking forward to it. And then it rained. All day. Ruined everything. And I stayed at home just like I did every other day My good mom moment was ruined.

I feel like I must be living the most boring existence. Every day is just another day in my life.

Oh, the pros and cons of another day

I would love a fresh start somewhere new. I have been in the same town for all of my life and know lots and lots of people. There isn't anything super wrong with this town, but I would like to be in a place with a bit of culture.
Maybe some stuff for kids to do, low cost things like nice parks and playgrounds.
I would love some public transportation since David and I have one car.
 Oh and museums, I want some museums or indoor kids amusement places.
Definitely a couple nice state parks that I could kayak, clear blue water as well so I can see down into the water at all of the nature around me.
Cooler temperatures but no blizzards...

Anyway I just feel like I have so much I want to do in this life and I haven't been able to do even a portion of it! most of my obstacles are financial. I love to travel but haven't been able to go very far in a while.
 David and  have wanted to move away for many years but there are too many uncertainties involved. We don't have any close family anywhere but in this town. New Hampshire? I'd like California. Michigan? It might be scary to go so far.

But when life gets dull and boring, you know that you need to change something. I want us to move to a different place.
Lack of proper finances means we will probably never go anywhere. But I can still dream of the world that I haven't seen.

I want to go to work so I can get a break!

I probably would update this more if my toddler wasn't always either 1. trying to kill or maim himself or 2. trying to maim and/or kill me and my computer. Yeah he likes all of the attention. I truly feel bad for my other two because I can't spend any quality one on one time with them.
Right now Joshua is climbing all over the couch trying to get on my lap and steal the computer mouse and smash the keyboard and leap off the edge of the couch. Yes, all at the same time. This is a constant thing! My nerves are shot, every day.

I love this kid so much. He is cute and adorable and sweet and snuggly and I am his very favorite person on this planet. I feel like if I get angry and try to properly discipline him that the one person (me) that he lives for is being cruel and mean (in his eyes) and the hurt in his eyes is almost painful. yeah, I'm not a good disciplinarian. I wanted this child so much. If I dare complain to David I get a sarcastic, "Well, you are the one that wanted another kid." So instead I just keep my frustration to myself.
I get very little time to myself. I cannot crochet since Joshua unravels my yarn and tries to steal my crochet needles. I cannot read, kindle or books, since he tries to steal and destroy them. I cannot draw or paint for the same reasons. I cannot kayak since he is too young to go with me. It is difficult to visit other people since he is always into everything.

I actually enjoy going to work so I can actually DO something without being followed or someone hanging on to my leg or begging to be picked up. I love to clean at my jobs. It's satisfying to actually be able to peacefully clean an area and have it remain that way for more than a minute. It's nice to sit down and eat without someone climbing on my lap or trying to take my food.

My work hasn't been calling me enough. It works out I suppose since David seems irritated whenever I do have a shift. Mostly because when I have to work it means less sleep for him and having to deal with three kids by himself. It can be tough.
But no money means I can't go to the eye Dr. and no eye Dr. means that I can't see because my contacts are all gone and all I have is a pair of eyeglasses with very old prescription lenses, so my vision is quite impaired.

I should have titled this, "All the ways that my life sucks and how I am responsible for my own misery." Yeah, if I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel soon I may just lose my mind.

....It's a mid life crisis......

I'm thirty-effing-seven. I have many years to go, I hope. But recently I have begun pondering a lot of things about life. I have three wonderful kids and a extraordinary husband that loves me very much. I am a healthy happy person. I have everything I should need but I struggle financially. Much like many others, but since I am only me I cannot compare whose suffering is worse. I can never just go out and get the boys new clothes and school supplies. I have to hope that my work sends some shifts my way. I am at their mercy, and summer isn't the best time of year for a staffing agency.
I wish I could have a new car, I wish I could take my kids on vacation, or even day trips to a neighboring town, or a nice beach in another city. Sometimes I even wish I could buy myself some new clothes or some new shoes or scrubs for work.
I always want lots of things and envy everyone else that seems to have life so easy.

I would like success as well. I see many former coworkers excelling in their lives getting higher and higher degrees and promotions. I see their close knit work environments and their friendships. Friends I used to have when I worked there. But many times when you don't work at a place those friendships fade away and become Facebook acquaintance variety.

I love my job. I work at a staffing agency and go to new places and meet different people all the time and it is awesome. And something not everyone can do as well as I can. Not everyone can jump into a new job and new facility in a moments notice and be able to do it successfully and I am proud that I can.
But in doing that kind of work, I don't develop friendships and meaningful relationships with constant coworkers. I guess it's kind of like one night stands, they are pleasant and fun at the time, but generally unfulfilling. Sort of.

I get lonely not having friends. Honestly I never cared to go out with friends and do a lot of out-of-work socializing. But I had my peeps at my work that I could talk to every day. I miss them very much.

I also wonder if I had a proper , stable home environment in my very vulnerable teen years if I would have done better in school or at least attended 4 years of college, or at least 2, while under my parents roof. Which would have made me more successful today.
My teen years were awful. My parents were at the end of their marriage and their lives were a goddamned mess. Neither of them could really give two craps about us at the time. They decided to divorce on my friggin' high school graduation of all days, which, of course was a depressing , rainy day. Thankfully, I had some good friends to rely on for support. Well, I survived it all to be a bitter woman.

I just wish I could go back to 18, knowing what I know now, and maybe do some things differently. Of course, I would wish for the same husband and the same kids, but maybe a higher level in my career field.
Go back to school? I definitely want to. But my financial aid always comes through after classes begin. Finances were a big problem when I was a teen. I simply could not afford to take more than one class at a time. And financial aid is a clusterfuck. They don't make it easy.

Damn, I wish life came with an instruction book.

Depression- my lifetime struggle

I would give my R foot ( seriously) to not know depression so intimately. I have been struggling with it for my entire adult life, and I suspect part of my teen years. Sometimes I suspect I may be bipolar but I haven't ever been diagnosed.
Some days I feel so great the sun is shining beautifully and I want to clean and take walks and take the kids to festivals and enjoy the world, Oh, how the world has so much to live for!
But other times I hate to get out of bed and I play computer games to distract myself from the numbness in my head. Logically I know I have so much, but emotionally I feel like I am falling, falling and I am trying to grab something , anything and I can't. Everything is bleak and boring and no thing interests me. Soemtimes I tell myself that it's money issues or something that bring me down, but even when I have plenty of money I feel this way, so I know I am lying to myself to find a legitimate reason for my depression.
I don't cry. I just feel numb and blah. I understand why some people cut themselves or do crazy drugs. Sometimes you just want that numbness to go away. So you would rather feel high or drunk, or even feel some pain. Anything but the numbness that depression brings.
Working at detox centers through the staffing agency and taught me that most people with substance abuse issues have mental illnesses. Many are homeless. And, sadly enough, some are teenagers or barely out of their teens and have nowhere to go. So their life sucks AND they have no support or stability AND they are mentally ill AND they are an addict. It's a never ending cycle of detoxing these people and then eventually kicking them back out to live in shelters or whatnot. You can't make the mental illness go away, even if the addiction is gone. That's how they ended up with that problem in the first place.

I have excellent support in the form of my husband. When I am feeling weak or unable to function in this world, he pulls a lot of slack for me. He keeps me going, and keeps me from giving up when things seem too difficult. My children do too of course, but only by being them. I would do anything for my kids. But they aren't specifically aware of mental illness and my personal battles, so therefore they can't consciously support me.
I certainly hope that I don't pass it to them as it was passed to me. My mother has a history of depression, as does my father, who also had debilitating anxiety when I was a child.

I know I am lucky to have the life I have. I am lucky that I have a supportive family. I am lucky medications exist to reduce my highs and lows and make me more stable.

But sometimes depression makes it difficult to realize any of it.

I love my family more than my career, who knew?

So through my agency I make about $7 more per hour than at my fulltime job. So I can work 3 shifts a week and make the same as 5 at my full time job. Downside is that there aren't any benefits. Easy peasy solution: Sign up for insurance on the government website. No propb. Thanks Obama! Seriously, thanks Obama for allowing me the ability to have affordable health insurance for my kids and allowing me to work part time so I can spend more time with them. I guess I CAN have it all. Honestly, since I am not regularly working I qualify for Medicaid for us. Say what you will about me but I have paid into it for the last 22 years so now I can use it.  No guilt here.

Honestly I am loving being home more.  I am actually being a mom to my wee Joshua and I am spending more time with David , in turn helping our relationship. I actually sleep at night so I am not tired all the time and I am enjoying Seth and Sean also. Sean and I are growing a garden from seed and are really enjoying watching everything grow. We have veggies and lots of flowers.
 Now that I have time I want to start kayaking again.
And I know some neat places I want to take the boys this summer, the botanical gardens in Sarasota has a neat play place for kids now and also I'd like to get them to the beach as well. David and I have a festival concert we are going to later this month when his dad and stepmom are here. They already have agreed to watch the boys so we can go so e are excited for that.

I am feeling happier and more optimistic theses days. Maybe it's the sunshine that I have been missing for so long.
  The money issue is the main one that I have to worry about. But I don't want to worry right now..

Hmm, now what?

A few weeks ago I quit my job.
It was something that I had been contemplating for quite awhile now. I was very unhappy there and the turnover rate with staff was crazy. In 4 years there had been 3 administrators, 4 directors of nursing, and too many unit managers, and staff development nurses to even be able to count. Not to mention the ever changing roster of coworkers. Some would come to orient to the job and never come back. Never a good sign.
It's always frustrating when , just as you figure out what the boss expects of you , they quit , soon to be replaced with another with an entire new list of expectations. Friggin' ridiculous.

Anyway they called to inform me to come in IMMEDIATELY regarding an investigation. When I informed them I had no car and kids and blah blah, they spoke to me briefly regarding it on the phone. I decided I didn't want to be involved in the crap they were pinning on me, so it didn't take long to decide not to go back.

I do still have my job with the agency that I pick up shifts every now and then, and I am well aware that I need to get of my butt and get a new job but I sure am not in a hurry. I am sure the husband wishes I would be a little more motivated. But I honestly feel like I missed out on a good portion of the last year, the first year of Joshua's life. I worked 5 nights a week, sleeping much of the day, going about my business in an overtired, drowsy stupor.
I miss the day time and I miss my family and when you have a job that , pretty much, discourages any time off, you get a little burn out. I am not eager to jump right into full time work again. I am enjoying life for the time being.
But I suppose I can't live off my tax return forever. I am torn between life and living.

Happy first birthday Joshua!

I can't believe a year has gone by. A year of giggles, hugs, kisses, smiles, and more than a little stinky diapers. Joshua has two awesome big brothers and a family that spoils him. That's what he gets for being the baby. To think that his birth could have killed me between the high blood pressures ( preeclampsia) and low blood pressures ( severe hemorrhaging) and not to mention the 2 weeks the poor guy spent in the NICU since he was a 5 week early preemie that was born at less than 5 pounds. Now he is over 20 pounds and healthy as can be. :) Happy birthday, baby boy!

Immaturity

My favorite way to deal with unpleasant situations is avoidance. I don't deal with overwhelming stress in a mature or professional manner. Thankfully, due to avoidance , that doesn't happen often. Though, the other day it happened. I threatened to quit and, maybe to keep me on staff, my boss let me have my way. Unfortunately, by doing that, a good friend was punished for my misbehavior. Now my heart hurts because of what I did to a good friend. A friend so upset I thought he might even cry in anger and frustration because of the entire situation. I may have lost a friend because I can't control my anger at times. I am not happy with myself and am not sure how to fix the mess I made.

Misophonia, a strange afflicton

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia

I only learned about this condition tonight. My husband reminded me tonight about my extreme aversion to lots of sounds. I only thought it was a couple but he reminded me that there are several.
* rubbing of anything on Styrofoam
* the clacking of fast typing on a keyboard ( I purposely type softly ad slowly because of this)
* the pouring of water ( like the pouring of a liquid from a pitcher into a glass, not faucets or waterfalls)
* and to a lesser extent crinkling of potato chip bags in a very quiet room.

These sounds make me angry and my skin crawls. I feel like I want to punch the walls and pull off my flesh. It's like a full body feeling of hatred.
Weird. I'm very weird.

platonicity

http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home   This is quite unique and interesting. I was discussing it the other day with a guy I work with.
I work nights, which means a lot of paperwork at the desk most nights. My closest coworker is a guy. We talk about the craziest stuff. Legalizing weed, regulated prostitution, sex stories and the aforementioned Wall of Vagina. Drunk stories and politics, all kinds of stuff.
If he was a girl, we would totally hang out.
But since he is not, we never would. I assure you there is nothing inappropriate going on here. Not in any way. But first of all, I would not think it would be acceptable to hang out with a heterosexual male friend. Second, it might just give the heterosexual male friend the wrong idea. I mean he is still a guy.
Just clearing that up for you all.

Sometimes life is a struggle.

There are days when I hate myself, everything about me. The way I look and everything I do. I look in the mirror and want to scratch my face off because I am so ugly. I am convinced that I am a loser and the worst parent in the world. On these days life is a challenge, I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I want to lay in bed and make it all go away. Usually these moments pass in a day. But in the meantime I am pretty darn useless.
Now, I have never been formally diagnosed as bipolar, but I think I might be. Prior to taking my Cymbalta, my mood were all over the place, up and down and all around. Happy and sad and everywhere in between. Now I am more on an even keel, though I still have ups and downs there aren't so common or drastic.

Thankfully, I am myself again today. At least if my moods run more manic I could get some stuff done around here!
I wish I was normal.

Tis the effin' season

Yet again, here we are, Christmas is upon us. I see s many commercials and ads for a plethora of items I know my family would love. But I never have any money to purchase them. It's been years since I went Christmas shopping. We end up splurging and getting the boys one nice gift and them get Toys for Tots for the rest. They are usually very nice gifts as well. That's life, I suppose. We do what we can.
But I always, always make sure we participate in the different Christmas activities around town. I drag them to the Christmas parade, the Festival of Lights at Fisherman's Village, we always go on the Christmas light cruise in Punta Gorda. And of course any school activities .I still would like to take them to the Lights in Bloom at the botanical gardens, which we may still do after the holiday.

So there you go, I drag them to Christmas festivities instead of buying lots of gifts. I like to think that quality time is more important than any gift anyway.
But it sure would be fun to do some shopping!

OCD the true story

Sometimes I hear people joke about having OCD related to some random stupid thing, "I always lock my car twice, I guess I am so OCD haha!" or " I always wipe my shoes on the mat when I enter a house, I'm so OCD!"

Hmm, not so much. If it was only so mild and pleasant and humorous. I wish.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by anxiety regarding tidiness and cleanliness. Nothing ,including my body, is clean enough. I am merely disgusted y myself and my surroundings. I feel like I could scratch my skin and pull at my hair to act out the hatred I possess for myself and my all around me. I don't want to be touched unless I know you just climbed out of a good bath.
Oddly enough, any baby aged child of mine is exempt. Can't explain that one.

I can't stand feeling this way. Often I wonder the bliss of being a slob with no order or organization to run my life.

When I go to work, no matter how busy it is, I have to clean and tidy up the nurses station. A place for everything and everything in it's place. I cannot concentrate in a cluttered mess.
 I have one patient that I am convinced must have been a former hoarder. I can picture her small dwelling full of cheap knick-knacks and garage sale junk. Probably cats and items from a flea market sale, piled up next to half-empty bowls of nastiness and cups of cold coffee. I can't stand her room, to enter it simply makes me cringe.
I miss having my own car since I always kept it clean. My lovely husband tends to leave trash in our van and shirts and sweaters and receipts on the passenger seat.
I love my kids but they always wipe their hands n their clothing of even the furniture. By now I wish I could get a new couch every month, nice and clean and unstained.

When I was a child I had an obsession with numbers. Everything had to be 4. Or multiples of 4, but preferably 4. Because it was even. If you put 4 on a see saw you would have 2 on each side and it would balance, you see. I had to turn light on and off 4 times. Among numerous other things. I thought I would have some kind of "bad luck" if I did not.

I started taking antidepressants when I was twenty for severe depression. I have battled it for most of my adult life. That and my anxiety. My horrible anxiety. I really wonder what it would be like to be normal but am aware that I may never know. I feel guilty sometimes for having children as I am afraid it may be a genetic condition. Both of my parents had experienced anxiety and depression at times in their life. As does my brother.
I can't believe my poor kids have me to be their mom. Fortunately the bad days are relatively rare.

I suppose I should just try my best and see where it gets me. Who knows?

#Separate Lives

What is with all the hash tags? I think it's a Twitter thing but I see a lot of them on Facebook as well. Little annoying in my opinion.

In any case, I feel like David and I are ships passing in the day. He watches Joshua while I sleep and wakes me when he goes to work. This weekend we have 2 whole days off together. I really love that man. And no matter what we may or may not be able to afford in life he helped me have the best gifts ever. Boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3. Otherwise known as Seth, Sean and Joshua.

I love my kiddos more than anything. I know people who more of less dislike or possibly hate their kids and I may never understand. Do my kids ever get on my nerves? Do I ever go to the bathroom to get some quiet? Of course. I'm only a human, after all. But hugs and smiles from my boys makes me always feel a bit better.

Recently I found out that a previous occupant of my house was a horrible man and his wife who hated his son so much they would lock him in his room and feed him one peanut butter sandwich a day- slid under the door. Of course, leaving the boy no choice but to urinate and defecate in his room. He had no rug in his room. Only a mattress on the floor. No toys. No books.
That room now houses my two boys. And haunts me.

It happened 3 years ago. That year I did an agency shift at the behavioral center and took care of that boy earlier in the year prior to all this stuff being found out. His family complained about his horrible behavior and his urinating and such all over his room. they conveniently left out the part where he was locked in said room leaving him no choice. So anyway, they brought him to the behavioral center, where it was common knowledge among the staff that his parents disliked him. Especially his stepmom. Turns out the boys was not incontinent ever while he was there, and well behaved, polite and sweet. He enjoyed playing ball in the hallway with another kid that was there at the same time. Adorable boy.
I wished I could adopt him, I seriously did! I thought he would be a great big brother to my boys. Anyway he ended up being sent back with his family which very nearly starved him to death 4 months later. It bothers me that the behavioral center had a chance to intervene and remove him from that home but did not.

In any case, I am haunted everyday as to what that poor boy went through in this house. All those days alone, hungry, sad, and scared. I wish I could have saved him.

But at least I can always make sure that my boys never, ever have to feel that way.

Sometimes I miss the day

I loved kayaking, I still do, and probably would more often if I had an easier way to transport my kayak. I have to shove it in the back of the van and bungee the hatch closed. Obviously I cannot drive very far. I have tried getting it on top of the van and failed miserably.
I could rent one at any number of places but money is never plentiful in my life. So driving very far isn't a great idea either. And I would have to have someone watch Joshua since I can't figure out how to kayak with a baby.

In all I miss exploring the local canals and wading on the beach and enjoying the lovely sounds of water nature. Unfortunately I have had some unexplained pain in my left wrist as well. Until I get that fixed I have to limit excessive use of it.

Lately I have been taking long morning walks with Joshua and, in addition to the exercise, I have been enjoying the nature in my neighborhood. Lots of trees and birds, so I am making an effort to get out.
Even so I miss getting out on the water. I hope to soon enough.

some thoughts...

As a bit of a rebel, I refuse to believe everything that I have been told. Maybe it's because for many years I was the gullible one people played tricks on since I was so trusting of others. But no more. I like to get the facts for myself. Anyway, I have grown up as a casually Christian girl. Never really attended church. But it's seems that the more I learn about Christianity, I realize that women are not very respected. I just cannot get on board with that type of thinking. Do I think Jesus respected women. I think so. He was kind and respectful to all, man or woman, rich or poor. I think God loves all. That being said, somehow many Christian churches have become very judgemental. Some people that should be the most representative of Christianity don't act like it so much. They like to talk about being blessed and quote scriptures and judge others by whether they are Christian. I'd rather base an opinion of a person by their actions. You can act Christian and not even be one. And many Christians don't act like it at all.
Kindness and love can be felt by anyone in any religion.

I would like to know a religion or church that respects and values women and men equally as humans. I could totally get on board with that. But no church that considers me a second class citizen is one I want to be part of.

Crazy Political Weirdos

One day I worked an agency shift for a Hospice case. I was scheduled alongside a crazy-as-a-loon nurse that babbled about politics all day. Now I did not pay too much attention to political issues. It's my opinion that politicians are some of the most crooked people on Earth, next to used car salesmen. Pretty sad that they are making the laws. But what can I do? nothing which is why I don't pay too much attention. It only angers me. Anyway Crazy Nurse carried on all shift about how I should pay attention to politics or I will be sorry. I should hoard my guns and ammo for when Obama makes us all become Muslim and have to wear Burkas or some crap. And ,of course, she gets all the most current news from Facebook before the news even gets the story, (seriously, Crazy Nurse?)
She even told a lady visiting the dying guy ( why was she discussing politics with a lady grieving for a dying friend?) that people who don't make themselves aware of politics ( me, sitting right there) are going to be sorry! I was happy to get away from Crazy Nurse at the end of the shift.

Now, my sister and mom are intensely political and very enthusiastic in their opinions. Again they believe that it is SO important to be informed. So I made myself get informed. And guess what, hmm, I find that my political opinions put me on the exact opposite side of the political spectrum from my sister and mom. So they still are irritated. Sigh, Make yourself informed but only if you agree with me?

My beliefs put me in the less popular progressive, liberal category. I believe in rights to make choices, taking care of our own and acceptance. I am actually interested in political issues going on these days. but I rarely discuss them since it seems most people are more conservative. I don't want to argue politics , actually I dislike arguing at all.

I am not sure , honestly, why there are so many judgmental people around, doesn't it feel better to be kind to others?

Living the Night shift

I love working nights. I have some awesome coworkers, besides I can avoid all the many bosses and craziness that occur in the day. Downside, I am always tired. I fell like I could sleep for 24 hours straight. Unfortunately, I am always awakened several times while I attempt to sleep in the day. I guess it's quite obvious what is on my mind right now. Sigh..

Hello Beautiful People, and the Crazy Story of Preeclampsia

I'm fairly certain that nobody reads this, I am also fairly certain that someone has spilled something on my keyboard at sometime and I have some annoying sticky keys. Moving on..

At some point David and I had decided on having on last kid. We hoped to have a daughter, at least David did. It took 8 very long months of counting cycle days and ovulation tests and planned days of lovin' for the only purpose of conception. I was reading to give up and call it a frickin' day when I finally became pregnant in June 2012. Apparently since I was 35 I had to see a specialist, which was nice because I received lots of ultrasounds. Which also informed us that we were having another ,yay!, boy. David was rather sad and for the remainder of the pregnancy was quite sadly disconnected from it. Little depressing. The pregnancy was hard on me and I slept ALOT. By late January I was told that my blood pressure was quite elevated, and didn't go down with regular interventions. Lab tests showed preeclampsia. I was ordered on bed rest to keep my blood pressure down. Seriously, nothing makes me want to do stuff than being told to do nothing. Boring!!!! And sad. I had to have regular non stress tests where they listen to baby heart beat over a determined period. Thankfully all was wonderful with baby. I was the one at risk. They hoped to keep me on bed rest until my early March due date. Unfortunately I began having severe headaches at night from blood pressure spikes. After a few days of intolerable pain I was admitted to the hospital for them to try to get the blood pressures down and ease my headaches somehow. No such luck. I was induced on February 12, 2013, 5 weeks early. The epidural eased my pain and headache like a wonderful godsend. Though they had to give me something to bring my blood pressure up since the epidural made it drop too low, go figure. I didn't ever realize that baby Joshua was crowning.

He was born in the late morning, just a wee thing under 5 pounds. I got to kiss him quickly prior to being whisked away to the NICU. Because at that time I was apparently bleeding out all my blood. My BP got as low as 70/40 and I wondered if I might die. I remember being so sleepy, sleepier than I ever had been. It took all I had to force myself to stay awake. David was next to me looking a bit scared, I learned later that he called my sister crying that he thought he was going to lose me. Anyway, for what seemed like a very long time there were lots of nurses and the Dr. in the room doing a lot of massaging of my abdomen to help stop bleeding. The Dr. even placed her entire hand into my uterus to ensure there were no more placenta parts in there .
Fortunately I did not end up requiring a blood transfusion but was quite weak and tired for a few days afterward. I didn't get to see Joshua again until the next day. He looked so tiny and helpless hooked up to so many tubes and monitors, I cried feeling like it was all my fault. While all the other post partum moms had their crying infants with them I was all alone. I felt like I had been through the wringer and had nothing to show for it. The Dr. let me go home after a few days so I could be with my family and not sad at the hospital.
Joshua remained there for 2 weeks, he was a sleepy boy and didn't want to stay awake to eat so they had to place a tube in his nose down to his stomach so they could get the food in him. It was a depressing couple weeks. Then, of course, one day before he was due to be discharged I ended up in the emergency dept. with severe vertigo/ nausea and vomiting. Sometimes, you just get kicked when your down, you know? They fixed me up and Joshua as well and he was able to come home in late February. Home to his family where he belongs. :)

Meet joshua

Hello Joshua Henry Dreyer!
A lot changes in an entire year! New kid, new house..all new. Shoot it's hard to type and feed a baby a bottle at the same time!

Well, I guess cars only last so long..

This is the new Dreyer-mobile. Not brand new. It is 10 years old.. and it needs some new brakes..and the driver's side and passenger side windows don't go down. But for the most part it's super nice. Apparently some disgusting slobs had it last so we had to do some cleaning but it's spotless now.  It's nice and roomy and thwe boys love it.

Unfortunately the other car had some head gasket issues thatwas going to be expensive to repair..so we figured it wasn't even worth it. So we traded it and gave them $700 (borrowed from David's mom) to put down payment on this van.

I like it.

Happy new year!

I guess after living 34 years another year is just that..another year. No big. I don't have any resolutions. I don't plan on making any life changes. I guess I could lose a couple pounds, but that could happen in March or August. Whatever.
Working nights have me tired and my body confused. I slept all day but I am still tired. And my growing butt is completely due to working nights. I spend my nights doing more paperwork and charting than actual patient care. therefore I am exerting less energy and burning less calories. Not good. I want to push away from the table before it gets out of control and I become a big blob rolling and slithering through the hallways. Not to mention, it occurred to me I would have to buy new clothing and I just don't have the funds to purchase a new wardrobe at this point.

I went to my Dr. and told him my Cymbalta was working out for me. Since I don't yet have insurance he gave me 2 months of samples. How cool!. I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy. Some people, even Drs. have a a good decent heart and empathize with their patients. I know most Drs. are supposed to but it is not always the case.

Wow, I am so tired.

Wow, 2012 already!!

Yep, been busy over the holidays. But it's been fun. And happy. Did I mention busy? Yes, I am back to working full time now, three 12 hour shifts per week. Nights. But oh, well.

David was laid off from his seasonal job at Target. They simply did not need him anymore. That was sad. It upset him alot. He really did like it there.

I changed my antidepressant medication. I switched from Zoloft to Cymbalta. I really wanted to get away from some of the unpleasant side effects of the Zoloft. So far the Cymbalta is great. I didn't even notice a switch. I stopped the Zoloft one day and started the Cymbalta the next. I took a lower dose for the first week and then upped to 60mg. and it seems to be working great. I feel good. Yay for Cymbalta!! It actually is supposed to help with chronic pain and fibromyalgia as well. Neither have I been diagnosed with but I have occasional low back pain and arthritic fingers and R knee. So I hope it helps.

New start for 2012 and I am optimistic. I think David and I will have some major changes in the new year but more on that in the future...

Korn, Korn, Korn!!!!!!

Unfortunately Halloween excitement took a backseat to the upcoming Korn concert. For myself, at least. Last night David and I were watching a Korn live concert on HD TV when David mentioned how long it has been since he went to a good concert. I was wondering simply when the concert was filmed. So I looked it up on Facebook , or was it Wikipedia, anyway I discovered they have their 10th album coming out in December and they are currently on tour. David noticed that they were going to be in Tampa in less than 2 weeks and then we got excited and bought tickets. Yeah, just like that.

Last time I saw them it was 1996 at Lollapalooza in West Palm Beach. I did not know much of them, I was looking more forward to seeing Tool, actually. I was with my lame-ass jerk ex-boyfriend. I sat next to this cute guy who I actually talked to more than my boyfriend. This guy had a Korn shirt so naturally I always rememeber him as the "Korn guy". We talked about music and he seemed really nice. If he would have said, "Hey, redhaired rock girl, come live with me and I can get you a job." I would have said, "Sweet!"  and would have left my boyfriend, whom I did not like much. I could have moved away with Korn guy and lived happily ever after and listen to Korn all the time. Oh, the memories.

Happy Halloween!

I decided to be a flapper this year.

 David, Sean and I

 Zombie Seth, it's fake blood.

Striking a pose for the camera.

To test or not to test..

We received a letter from Seth's school that his teacher would like him tested for potentially gifted classes or some program. Considering this is the same kid that was suspended every other week in kindergarten because of behavior issues, I am hesitant to do anything that would change his routine or his teacher.
I agreed to the testing but am not sure what will come out of it. I keep thinking this is what taechers do if they want a kid out of their class, since I know he can be trying at times. I guess we will see.

this is what I have been doing...

kayaking...

 beaching....

 crocheting...

 bicycling...

 hanging with squidward...

more crocheting...



when I am not working, of course!!

Hey, remember me!?

I had forgotten about this here blog. Wow, things sure have changed since the last time I posted anything.

And I discovered that they was a section that I could refer to to check for any comments. I was quite surprised that anyone ever commented at all on anything.

David and I are still happy and not divorced as we were contemplating at one time. We still have two lovely boys. Seth just turned 7 and Seanie is 4.

I am working on an as needed basis at a long term care facility called Signature Health Care and also at a staffing agency. Which I absolutely love!

Though I am not employed full time anywhere, I certainly receive full time hours..or at least full time pay. You see, working on a PRN basis I receive higher hourly pay that a regular worker..so I can work a few hours less and receive same pay. Downside is..no health benefits. So I get more of my pay since it is not paying for insurance but I end up having to have my family and kids on Medicaid health benefits.

No I am not proud. But don't have much choice right now. I certainly cannot afford any private health plan! But I try to rationalize it. I think about when Sean was a lilttle baby and I was scraping by to pay for his formula and diapers and David was out of work. How I made a tiny bit too much money for WIC and how I wanted to cry because we were so poor and I needed the assistance so much.

Anyway, things are better now. Wow, things have changed so much in the last year-and-a-half since I posted anything on this blog.

To make a long story short.

I was offered the job at the Dr. office but they wanted to pay me close to nothing so i turned it down. A girls gotta live, ya' know.
I had interviews at two different facilities today and both went well but thyey did not have 7-3 full time positions available. I got a job at one of the places doing part time /PRN so that is a start. Both places were very interested in hiring me -if they had a position available.

I am feeling conflicted...

I went to the interviews yesterday. First with the office manager and then with the Dr. Both went well.

This morning I recieved a call from the staffing agency offering me the position. They wanted me to start Monday. Yippee! I thought. But then I was told what they wanted to pay me..and my heart sank. I even told the lady. I haven't been paid that since my first nursing job 10 years ago!
I was a $6.50 hr. pay cut from my previous job! What! Now I fully expected to make less than I was at Harbour Health but, I mean, I do have to survive and feed my family. And pay for day care.

So i called the nursing staffing agency, they want me to come in on Tuesday for my second interview. ( The lady told me at the first one that if I was asked to come for a second one, I pretty much got the job)

So I declined the offer at the Dr. office for the agency job. I think that some people think I am foolish for doing that but I just hate to take so many steps back ward like that. I truly feel I am worth more than what they offered. I have experience and many skills to offer.

I think in the long run, I am going to be happy with my decision. My heart just wasn't into the Dr. office thing. I need to work in long term care.

I sure hope something good comes out of this.

I have an interview with the Recovery Center tomorrow at 0930. They really are interested in someone that can work on short notice -which I cannot. It's dealing with mental health and detox patients which is way out of my experience. Not that i wouldn't be intersted in learning- but i am used to dementia crazy- not "crazy" crazy. And no I am not being derogatory because I have diagnoses that make me technically " crazy" as well. But can I deal with a bunch of "me's"?
Probably not.
In any case, I may not go to the interview.

This morning I received a call regarding an app i had filled out weeks ago for a position at a Dr. office. She asked if i was still interested (yes!) and could I come for an interview.(Yes!) 15 minutes later one of the long term care facilities called to set up an interview for Monday (yes!)
Later that morning I got a call from a very pleasant sounding woman regarding a position at a home health agency in Bradenton. She sounded more than eager to employ me- but I simply cannot drive almost 100 miles for a job- unless it pays wicked well. So i had to say no. She sounded disappointed. Maybe that was my imagination..

I filled ot the application for a home health agency more local, but I am guessing it ended up in their data base and was pulled up in Bradenton. Who knows?

At the interview I had to fill out some paperwork ( I am so sick of writing out my personal info and work history, aren't resumes supposed to elimate all tht writing?) and then sit down with the lady at the employment place. She seemed to like me and she was confident that I would do well at the proposed position at a local dr. office. She also reassured me that my background check was clear, ( I knew that) and I voiced my concerns that my prior job might say something unfavorable. She was supportive and stated that if they did say I was a poor emlpoyee she could ask them why ,then, did they keep me as an employee for the better part of nine years?

I think I like that lady.

Tomorrow I am going to interview with the office manager of the Dr. office.

Then I got a call from another place I applied, they want to come in and fill out, wait for it, paperwork! That job is at a correctional institution. I could do it, but the hours would be difficult with my kids- plus it's in another town. I am pondering what to do about this situation. I am going to cancel the recovery center interview in the morning, going instead to the Dr. office one.

Oh dear. my head is spinning...

It's always good news that is barely out of my reach

I have been to quite a few facilities where I had to fill out an application and then sit down for an informal interview with the staff development person. Each time I think I do well. Even though I still find it a little strange to "sell" myself to a potential employer. I always am slightly uncomfortable "tooting my own horn" so to speak.
But they always seem to like me and why not. I am likable, I think. And I am certainly genuine. Of all my character flaws, I have one shining asset. I cannot lie for crap. I am as honest as they get. And that, I hope people see, is a good thing.

I applied at a different place yesterday, my friend's neice gave me the heads up on the position, so I called and spoke to the DON and filled out an app. Now i just wait...

Today I called the places that I applied last week. One will return my call and the other is trying to find a place in the schedule that I would fit in. Sounds promising-if only there was a place for me.. She said she will get back to me.

I wish i had more flexibility with my schedule because there are a couple places that i could probably get a position right now for 3-11. But what would I do with my boys? Even if I could bring them home prior to my shift. I don't have anyone to stay with them for the evening. Man, I wish I could find evening child care..

So again, I wait...

I have stuff to do, ya' know!

Hubby took the car to run some random errands. And i only have 15 minutes left on my phone with no $$ in sight. Soo I want to go to my mom's to use her phone to place a couple phone calls. Possibly before I pick up Seth at 12. I have a feeling it's not going to happen. Little frustrated right now. Why does the world seem to be working against me!?

A little good news on the horizon.

My friend Marva called today and told me that, per her neice, there is a 7-3 position open at a local long term care facility. Her neice happens to be a unit manager there. She gave me the name of who to ask for and I think she is going to give my name to whomever does the hiring so they can retrieve my resume. I applied there a few weeks ago, so all my info should be in someones e-mail!
I will be calling in the morning, so hopefully it works out. I try not to get my hopes up too high.
I will keep my fingers crossed...

Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown.

I believe I have addressed my issue with envy in the past but it seems to be something that I just can't shake.
Only now I envy basic life essentials that I see that other people have.. and I do not. I can't stand even watching" How it's Made" on the Science channel because I feel jealous that the people in the show making things have jobs. I envy people in line at McDonald's because, obviously, they must have cash from somewhere to buy their cheeseburger and Diet Coke.
Celebrities make me ill. I read that Tom Cruise is getting 20 million to star in the next "Mission Impossible" movie. Disgusting. I understand that he has an acting talent and that is what he gets paid for, but 20 mil? That's ridiculous. I don't think the rich and famous are "better" people in the world just because of the $$$ they have. But I do think it must make life much easier. that being said, why do so many end up in rehab?

A few years back I lived a life of plenty of excess. If I wanted something-I bought it. No need to save or scrimp. We took weekend vacations regularly, and nice out-of-state vacations yearly. We stayed in the nicest hotels and rented nice cars when we got to where we were going. We ate out much of the time and frequented the pub nightly. And boy do I miss the biweekly massages.

I always felt like people like myself, unemployed, and living off taxpayers, to be a burden on society. A waste of space that serves no productive purpose in the world.
Maybe , thats why I am where I am. God's teaching me a lesson about understanding the less fortunate. A bit of Karma, I suppose.

Welcome to the unemployment line.

I haven't been fired from a job since I was 15! And I haven't been without a job in as long as well. So what was I to do? Now I have two little boys and an unemployed spouse to support. My ex-coworkers were shocked at my termination. My friend Marva was simply pissed off. We had such a good time at work. We laughed alot. I liked my residents and they liked me. I knew their lives, their histories, their families. I knew their extensive medical histories since I had been taking care of many of them for years. I had taken care of resident's spouses, sisters, brothers, and even a mother and daughter. I had sat with dying residents that were all alone and remained with them until the end.
Maybe I was too comfortable in my position thinking that they wouldn't get rid of me. I honestly felt that regardless of my weaknesses, I was more of an asset to them than a liability. After all, I never, ever hurt or put any of my patients in harms way. Even with the issues that I were fired for. I never came close to hurting anyone. A CNA once told me that it's more important to work with your heart than your head. And maybe I wasn't using my head enough.

Immediately I filed for unemployment benefits. I thought for sure I would get them. I mean, I never stole anything or abused anybody. But I didn't.
The corporation stated that I failed or refused to perform job duties as per my job description- or something similar. And then slapped the term " misconduct" on me so they wouldn't have to pay.

I applied for every benefit that I could possibly receive, and of course, now I qualify for them. In as many years I have attempted to get any assistance possible only to be repeatedly told I make too much.

Now I can get my kids on Medicaid. I get WIC checks and yes, now I get food stamps and am applying for cash assistance- which I believe used to be Welfare. I even had to go to the Salvation army to pay my electric bill. Yes, I have now hit the bottom and become the kind of person I never, ever wanted to be. I am truly disgusted by myself.

But in the last few weeks I have applied for countless nursing jobs and am still waiting, waiting for responses. They each say they will get back to me in a week or two so here I wait. Two places told me to call them if they didn't call me this week, so that's two call s to make on monday and if those two places don't want me, I don't know. My optimism is fading. I know they look at my application and see " terminated" and that bothers them . Plus, I wonder what my prior employer is really saying about me. I am scared that i won't find work because of the firing. It's happened and I can't go back to change it. What now.

I guess I just keep waiting.

Good God it's been awhile!

I can't even attempt to reveiew everything taht has occurred over the last several months but I assure you that it has been more downs than ups, unfortunately. Late August, little Sean ended up in the hospital for a few days with H1N1. I honestly did not know he was as sick as he turned out to be. He was wheezy and feverish-not to mention lethargic. When i brought him to the Dr. , we did not even have to wait, we were brought right in and the nurse interrupted the Dr. with another patient to tend to him. Albuterol nebs didn't help, the epinephrine neb did but he only got that when Dr. decided to have him admitted. Blech, hospitals suck. It was a sad and lonely experience, poor Sean slept much of the time.
He did get his ear tubes placed in September and so far all has been good. A couple outer ear infections but nothing too crazy. He's talking better and feeling better. October, November, and December were a blur of never-ending stress. David's unemployment ran out just in time for the holidays. Wouldn't you figure?!
We also decided to divorce in December, David thanked me for ruining his holiday. Of course, divorce costs $$$. $$ that we don't have so it will happen eventually, maybe years from now.
I was counseled at work in early January regarding an issue that occurred in December with a patients skin issue that I forgot to document on. That was a big deal, but I guess I didn't realize how big. honestly, I have been distracted with all that is going on in my world. I opted to take a week off to get away from work and relax a bit.

Fast forward a couple weeks and suddenly I found myself fired from my job of the last nine years. they gave two tiny minor issues ( I wouldn't even consider them write- up worthy personally) and a couple bigger issues. One of which I honestly did not know I was doing wrong and one I neglected to follow through with an issue. The state surveyors were in the building and witnessed one of the issues so I am guessing that eliminating me was, perhaps, their "plan of correction". I was taken aside by my supervisors and told to go home, that I was suspended until they contacted me in a week. Scary, but still I had a job. I figured I would have a week off to destress.
Later, I received a call from my supervisor that she wanted to set up a meeting with me for the next morning. I asked if I was to be fired to do it on the phone. And she did.

Pain stinks

It's the main thing on my mind today so it's hard to think of much else. I think I have a little Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome going on going back several months but it onle seems to "flare up" every now and then. Then I experience horrible pain in my right wrist with a little tingling in my fingers and the occasional pain shooting up toward my elbow. usually I put on a wrist brace for a couple days and it eases up with rest but this time it freaking hurts! I tried the wrist brace, a compression wrap, oral pain medications (which actually did help me make through my work day) , ice, and now David has gotten me a Therma Care hand and wrist wrap which actually feels very soothing. Even though it's made for arthritic problems. Pain stinks.

Things have been looking up lately. David now is able to receive unemployment benefits and I was able to cash out my 401K so we got ourselves caught up. David has been working pretty steadily for the last couple weeks and i was even able to pick up an over time day a couple weeks ago.

David's biological son from his first marriage is here visiting for a week so we have been busy. Tonight my whole family had a get together because he was visiting so everyone could meet him and we all had a good time. My family loves any excuse to get together and eat- and drink. And we always have a good time. I really love them.

Sometimes bandages do help a little...

I got paid one week ago, and unfortunately, I discovered that I did not have enough paid time off hours to cover my vacation I had taken in early July-therefore, my paycheck was short. david had been ot of work for a couple weeks so we were relying on every cent that my paycheck wad to bring us. I flipped out when David told me he had gone to the grocery store only to discover that he had "insufficient funds" after paying only the day care bill. We were in the negative prior to the paycheck being deposited, so my check was gone.
I was sitting at work with my stomach growling as I was thinking about what wonderful meal I was going to have that night when David called me to tell me that we could not get groceries. I seriously had not had a proper meal in days waiting to get groceries. :( Anyway, people at work felt horribly for me and they emptied their wallets to help me out. Another lady, brought me a bunch of groceries and then a couple days later more goceries were purchased for me by various co workers. I assure I was flooored at the outpouring of support I experienced from people I work with, none of which are wealthy folks. Just regular people that have big hearts. I was told that I was well loved and that many people wanted to help me out. And with no expectation of being repaid! I was emotionally exhausted by the end of the week. but I assure you that no one in my house was hungry, thanks to good people.
My water was turned off, still is actually but ,um, "someone " turned it back on until we can pay the bill on Monday. I feel like such a rebel with my illegal water. My TV, phone and internet was turned off as well. We were able to pay that today and get it turned back on.
Coincidentally, I received a notice in the mail that I needed to decide what to do with my 401K now that my work has changed management companies. I opted to cash out my $3,000. I figured it wouldn't get me far in retirement anyway and I really needed it . I got the check today!!! Already. So we were able to pay some bills and straighten out the balance in the bank account. Already, I feel like some weight is off of my shoulders. I understand the $$ is merely a bandage for other financial issues we are having but it's nice to get caught up for the moment. David is working and I was able to do a double shift yaeterday so maybe we'll be okay now.
But we wouldn't have been able to make it without the kindness of others. I am so fortunate to work with some extraordinary people.

Freeland 'Do You' UK Live Tour Video

I assure you that is not the type of music I typically listen to but this song kicks! I love it. I might have to get the CD just to get me moving on lazy days. Yeah, I can see myself jumping and dancing around the house to this.

Angel Dust simply reminds me that I am getting older.

And not the drug ( does anybody actually do PCP anymore?) but the Faith No More CD. As it is one of my favorite CDs the world has ever seen it bothers me that it makes me feel so sad-but I think I woke up feeling this way. As I was listening to " Midlife Crisis" I realized I was going to be experiencing my own before too long. And it reminded me how many years it has been since that song came out! I do believe that CD dominated the soundtrack for the 15th year of my life which was ,Oh, 17 years ago...
I just feel like some of my best years have passed and I think about how many things I would have done differently if I had the opportunity to do it over. I have a job, husband, and two wonderful kids- but we aren't as successful as I had hoped we would have been at this point. At this age. As i get older I look at myself in the mirror and realize I am appearing older, my body is showing signs of age. And the more down I get-the less motivation I have to try to improve things.
I envy alot.
I envy people who can pay all of their bills every month, especially without overdrawing their account on a weekly basis.I hate paying bills because there never is enough money-so I have david do it so I don't have to see how little is really in the bank. And he is horrible with money!I hate having to worry-actually i find that it's easier to simply not care than to worry. Since it doesn't help anyway.
I decided to pierce my nose last week. Why? Because I am not getting any younger, ya know? I only have one life to do things, crazy and not so crazy. I tell people it's a midlife crisis moment. And maybe so, because it made me feel like less of an old lady. It made me feel like I still had some life to me. Made me feel a little edgy, like maybe, just maybe, i had the potential to still be a little interesting and cool. Not a boring old wife and mother.
Trust me, I would never, ever want to go back to 15 years old. I did some dumb things but I think it was all for the better since I got those crazy things out of my system. It helped me to learn right from wrong and help me decide that I don't want to live my life as a loser!
I think i need some motivation to get out and experience the world instead of sitting around feeling sorry about days gone by.
I'm merely 32 and I 'm already reflecting. God help me!

The Trews - Paranoid Freak

Quite a catchy song. I rather like it...

Guess what? Sean has another ear infection.

I am so tired of the Dr. office. Never did I think I would be one of those moms that takes their kid to the Dr. on a monthly basis. I have enough sense to know tht Drs cannot perform miracles.But it seems his ear infections keep getting worse and his fevers are higher and more difficult to get rid of. I swear, the kid gets a runny nose and immediately develops an ear infection. I was really hoping for the Dr. to recommend a specialist for some ear tubes beacuse he's had so many infections one after another and I really don't like my kid on so many antibiotics.
The Dr. said that when we return to see him in two weeks we will decide at that point-but he keeps telling me that! Arrgghhh. I think the Dr. just wants to see me. He gives me so many hugs during the course of one of Sean's appt. it's a tad unusual. He just knows that I am experiencing extreme guilt about my son's health.
Sean had a fever all yesterday-no matter how much Motrin we gave him. Evntually,during the night, his fever must have "broke" because he hasn't had one since. He was hot as heck last night. i assuure you because he was laying right next to me.
Poor kid.,

Yeah, I got more than my fair share of vitamin D today.

We got a kid pool today for the boys. The old pool was rather small so we had to upgrade! to a bigger one. They had alot of fun swimming and playing, though in the first five minutes both of them decided tht swimming naked was more fun than swimming with a bathing suit. Whatever. Seth got a little tan, myself a freakin' sunburn. What is wrong with me-when will I learn to put on the sunblock. At least my makeup has an SPF so my face doesn't get too much sun, just my shoulders and back.
Yesterday, Seth and I went to the Hibiscus festival in Punta Gorda and had a lovely time if I do so so myself. First, we hopped (not literally) onto the boat to experience a river tour. Seth's first boat ride was very nice, we toured the river and the harbor and went under a couple bridges, the breeze was beautiful out on the water, we had fun. There were some people on the boat taking pictures, not sure from what extremely dull place they must have come from to be so interested in the view of Charlotte Harbor!
We sat in the gazebo overlooking the harbor while we ate ice cream and got to see a sea plane take off and many different boats go by. We sat in the shade of a banyan tree and ate a snow cone while we listened to some awful, horribly, cheesy folk music. Trust me, I've seen this guy play at other festivals-and he really sucks, every time. Seth and I have so much fun! I feel kinda bad about leaving Sean at home, but he just doesn't know how to act in public sometimes.
When I got home David had made me an appt. for a manicure, so off I went again. Now my fingernails are beautiful! And bright red. Marva always says I need some color so I had to go with the bright red! HA.
Um, my shoulders and upper back are bright red,too but I think I could do without that kind of bright color! I am such an idiot. I deserve the pain.
As far as I am concerned, all is well in Dreyer land.
Yes, I did call my dad to wish him a Happy Father's day.
:)

The Thermals "Now We Can See"

I love, love, love sirius radio! I keep finding all these cool bands. Alt. nation rocks.

Emotional exhaustion

In the last couple days I have had two people die on C wing. Today another lady is dying-or perhaps already gone to the great beyond as I write this. I have had to communicate with too many family members about declining health of their loved ones and try to stress that the"end " is near when the family members think that maybe if we just offer her a little bit of juice Mom will be just fine. Yesterday I sent out a very, very sick man to the hospital less than 24 hours after he was admitted to the nursing home. The entire morning he was yelling out "nurse, nurse" and asking the same questions over and over, driving me up the wall. I had another man curse me out because I wouldn't let him go into another lady's room and go through her closet since he was convinced that his clothing was in her closet.
The saddest of all, I have another man that was involved in an altercation with another man and he ended up with bleeding in his brain that caused irreversable damage and now his wife wants to remove his feeding tube and they won't let her so she cries every day because of the guilt that she feels for having it inserted in the first place.

But on the other hand I saw one of my past resdients that had been moved to another wing, who stated to therapist as he saw me, " She is a wonderful girl, I wish there were more like her."
Sometimes it's nice to have someone actually say that I made some difference. Because I honestly try.
I think I have a very important job and people don't seem to understand just how trying that being a nurse can be. I have to deal with so many different personalities and dysfunctional families in some pretty weak moments. I used to think that only the lesser wealthy (poor) poeple had severely dysfuctional lives but I assure you that I have seen money drive families apart, and rich families that were more dysfunctional than I could ever have guessed. I don't know why I thought that wealthy people had less dysfunction-maybe since they can afford therapy?
Anyone that may read this, just keep in mind when you are dealing with nursng staff anywhere-they have a tough job so give them a little credit and treat them nicely. Please don't be demanding and nasty, we deserve better than that.

Why shouldn't I go out one night?

One of my friends at work invited me out tomorrow night along with a couple other girls. I really think I should go, don't you? I rarely ever go out anywhere without my family( work doesn't count) and I don't drink. Or I drink very little. I guess I feel like I am beyond the years where I should go out to any clubs. Trust me, I won't do any dancing. I don't plan on drinking near enought to get me out on the dance floor. I think David's afraid I might go picking up guys. But if you ask me I have three boys in this house to keep after-the last thing I need is another one! No thank you very much.

INCUBUS - Black Heart Inertia

I think I really like incubus...at least I really like this song. I cannot post the video from you tube yet-this is a fan video. The actual video just premiered yesterday.

For your listening pleasure

Audrye Sessions-Turn Me Off
I like this song. I just heard it fror the first time a few minutes ago. Thank you Sirius radio! It's rare that I hear brand new stuff from lesser know bands around here.

I think I will call myself.."Pinworm"

David and I recently watched an episode of Bones, that we had recorded on DVR, where they were investigating some old bones that were being used for a prop for a death metal band at their concerts. Somewhere in the episode a band member had the lovely name of "Pinworm" which I found completely hilarious. I still think that is such a funny name. Maybe because the word "worm" is a little funny to me for some reason. Say it with me.."Worm, worrrrm,woooorm"
Isn't it a little funny. Kinda like "Flabbergasted" and "Addled". Oh, and "Bubble". Okay enough, enough. I think I need to be committed.

Thank You for Being a Friend Bea Arthur

When I was a kid I never, ever missed The Golden Girls. I thought all of the ladies were hilarious, but I admit Dorothy was my favorite. Even as an adult I watched the reruns on Lifetime network.
I remember Bea Arthur gave a show in Fort Myers about 10 years ago and I really wanted to go-of course, I didn't. I reget my decision now. Thank you for all of the laughs ,Bea!

I'll take you to Funkytown alright...and I'll leave your ass there!

I am the Wii tennis queen. David and I played my mom's tonight and ,as always, we had a grand time. It's actually the most fun we ever have together these days. Darned thing. I love that stinkin' game. David and I would get one in a heart beat if we had any $$$. But we don't. Blech.
In any case, my right shoulder is gong to be killing me tomorrow. But it's all good because it was totally worth it.
David needs to work more, alot more, so he can buy us one.

Men are silly

David told me today that he needed to go to the store to get beer for tomorrow. I assured him that there will be beer there. He said,"I don't know about that."
"Why, because it's a religious holiday?", I replied.
"Um, yeah"

After all of these years you'd think that he would know that my family doesn't give up beer for any holiday. A holiday is just a better reason to, so they drink more! My family is a bunch of beer drinkin' fools and that tradition isn't going to end soon. Men are so weird.
While I am at it. Why can't David put the cap back on a pen after he uses it? He NEVER does, so I have a ton of pens that just dry out after one use. What the heck?

I am ashamed of my evil side.

I told the scheduler at work that I would pick up an extra shift this weekend- so she scheduled me for today 7-3. I prepared myself for an extra day all week, I was even looking forward to my next paycheck with my overtime on it. Then yesterday afternoon, immediately after work, she called and told me,"By the way, I meant to get with you all day today to tell you that I won't need you tomorrow. One of the pool nurses is going to come in." I wasn't too thrilled about this. then she had the gll to ask me if I would be available to come in if anyone call out. I said no. I don't like going to bed thinking I have the day off and then being called at 6AM being told that someone called out. I like to know ahead of time.
I did end up getting the call this morning. At about 7:45AM.
The were not only one-but two-"no call, no shows" on my wing. One of which was the pool nurse that I was cancelled for.
I told the supervisor I had plans with my family and couldn't come in.
I did end up making plans and had a lovely day.
But I am pretty sure that next time I want to work an extra shift- they won't cancel me at the last minute. I know that they were trying to save $$$ because a pool nurse would cost less than paying me overtime ( time-and-a-half plus $2 hourly weekend differential) but at least they should know that I am am-at least- reliable. I NEVER call off-especially on a weekend. I may be tardy, but I will be there.
I guess that I just felt insulted that they replaced me with a brand new nurse that doesn't know anything about my patients. I give my patients excellent care. Perhaps I am too full of myself.

The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight

I am certain the world is sick of me having a new favorite song every other week, But I really, really, like this song!
I love music, therefore I cannot help being swept up into the beauty of some songs.
My ears are constantly listening for any new music that catches my interest. I have been suffering(?) from this affliction for my entire life. And I suppose my passion for all things musical is not going to resolve anytime soon!

"hair" today-gone tomorrow?

Okay, so he title is super lame. I can't think of anything else right now.
Only in the last couple days have the boys and myself been feeling a bit better from our month-and-a-half-long cold that we've had. Actually it was two colds back to back. Sucked big time. I truly think my house needs to be disinfected after all of that!
So yesterday I decided it was just about time for Sean to have a hair cut. I could not take him to my hair cutting place since they told me once before that they don't get "hazard pay" so I made him an appt. at a place called Lollipop kids that specializes in kids. It was a wonderful experience! They had neat chairs for the kids to sit in and a TV with cartoons to watch at the hair cutting station. Also, a play area for the kids while they wait and afterwards. Best of all, the hairdressers were patient and experienced with kids so it all went very smoothly. Now Sean has a big boy hair cut and he looks so handsome.
Today we went to Mamaw's for a visit since we haven't seen her in a while. We had a great time and the boys had fun.

Mamaw told me yesterday that she hasn't been feeling as well for a while now. She told me that she is going to see her Dr. soon so I hope they can't figure it out. But I think she is just slowing down. She seemed okay to me today, but I do think my brother helps her out alot around the house and for that I am grateful.
She will be 82 tomorrow so I guess she is allowed to slow down. But I don't like to think that eventually she will die. It was difficult for me to even type that since I don't want to think about it. But David told me that I should accept the inevitable or I will have a more difficult time when she actually does go. Which I hope isn't for quite a few more years... People can't live forever. Even though I think some people, like my mamaw, should.
That is one thing, of many, that stinks about getting older. Every one else gets older, too. I even see my parents aging. I know I can't rely on them to be around forever. So, I am thankful I have my own little family, my three boys that drive me nuts-David, Seth, and Sean. I love them so much.

Lenny Kravitz - Believe

I love this song!!!!

My 5 day vacation is turning into 7 days...

Seth and Sean are still little sickies with runny noses and goopy eyes and low grade temps. Sooo, I am taking tomorrow off since they can not return to day care yet. Hopefully, Thursday-which happens to be my day off anyway!
Oh, how I miss work-can't you see the tears running down my face..
I really enjoy hanging out at home with my boys, they have been really good. And my house stays nice and clean while I'm home.
On Friday the boys went to day care and I cleaned and did tons of laundry. And went to a meeting at work.
Saturday, we took the boys to Lowe's and browsed a bit. we only spent a couple bucks but the boys love the look around that store! Then I took them to the playground in Punta Gorda.
Sunday, we went to the seafood Festival in Punta Gorda and had a very fun time-the weather was beautiful- and it was cheap entertainment!
They both started to be sick on Sunday evening, so actually I am glad I had taken the extra days off to stay home with them.
It's been a good time actually.

Dumb Facebook has me addicted!

Jennifer Dreyer's Profile Create Your Badge

I had the most bizarre dream.

I dreamt that my sister broke the news to me that little Sean was adopted-I was crushed to learn of this info. I am not quite sure why that, in the dream, I did not know that of my own child. In my dream it suddenly occurred to me that did not have any memory of his birth!
In an odd twist, I did recall my neice, Amber's birth. Because I had given birth to her and gave her to my sister to raise.
Weird. But Seth really was my child all along. No mistaking that, since he looks just like me!

Um , to anyone who is confused-I remind you that this was all a dream. I honestly DID actually produce Seth AND Sean and my sister actually DID produce my neice, Amber.

Oh, surely it is Friday the 13th..

The last friday the 13th that was truly frightening was Augest 13, 2004, the day Hurricane Charley swept through town leaving much of the town in shambles. But hey, that was a lifetime ago, it seems. So Friday the 13! doesn not bother me.
So far it's been rather lovely.
I'm off for a few days, I have the house to myself, I may just take a bubble bath in the middle of the day! Or walk around the house naked. Or jump rope. Or sing. Or anything else I can think of that I wouldn't do with other witnesses around..

One more day...

I have only one more day of work until I am off for five days. If I can make it. Today I had noticed that my unit manager has taped a face pain scale to the nurses station, you know, 1 equals no pain 10 as severe. Only this one has faces on it so you can judge a persons pain based on their facial expression. I joked we could use it to rate how well the day is going. the pain descriptions were a little different than the one shown here. My day started out "distressed" (2)when one of the student CNA's transferred a resident incorrectly and put a gash in her leg so we had to send her out for stitches. My day ended as "excruciating"(5) when one of my residents pulled out his PICC line halfway through the administration of his IV antibiotic. It was a day that I definitely felt like I deserved a raise.

Afterwards, I took Sean to the pediatrician to get a Dr. note allowing him back into day care. Of course, his eyes were as clear as could be. The Dr. ( who wasn't his regular Dr.) was more concerned about his eczema, I assured her that what she was seeing today was the best it has been in a long time, so that was the least of my worries.

I had an appointment for him to see Dr. yesterday but foolishly cancelled it when his eyes were so clear for 24 hours. Then yesterday afternoon they strated to get all goopy again-at day care- which is how I ended up having to get the Dr. note that he was okay. He was miserable at the Dr. It certainly didn't help that we waited an hour. He wanted to play with the computer in the exam room, the sink, the cotton balls, the hand soap, the garbage can, I was already exhausted froom my lovely day at work, so I was not in my greatest mood.

Anyway, skip to three hours later and you would find me relaxing in a bathtub full of bubbles that smell like lavender and my smelly candle nearby as I did the newspaper crossword. Delightful, I assure you.

Sure, it annoys me when my husband talks while he's yawning in the morning,("What the heck did you say again!?") Or blows his nose in the kitchen while I'm eating breakfast(eww)

But he lets me relax whenever I feel I need it. And boy did I need it today.

Ho hum, here's to hoping tomorrow is better that today was...

"pink" eyes ARE really pink!

I do believe that Sean has conjunctivitis. Especially in his R eye. It has a moderate amount of mucousy drainage and it is rather inflamed. Poor little guy-he just catches everything! He still on his antibiotics for his bilateral ear infections,BTW-Dr. put him on another round since his infections hadn't completely resolved.
Meanwhile, Seth hasn't ever needed any antibiotics (knock on wood). I've lost track of how many times Sean has. Damned ear infections...I guess a couple in a year isn't too horrible.
Now the eye though. Fortunately I was able to resort to my child care emergency back up plan and call my mom to watch Sean tomorrow. I figured there wasn't any way I was going to be able to sneak him into day care without them noticing the draining eye. They would take one look and say,"Hells, no!, that child needs to go on home!"
My mom is going to call the Dr. tomorrow while I am at work and try to get Sean in for Tuesday. I just hope Seth doesn't get it. It's bad enough that David said, "I think I'm going to catch it, my eyes have been really itchy" ( Remember, he lives in David World where, no matter what happens, it always comes back to him in some way, and don't ever complain to him because his life is always much worse)

Oh, he is working these days!! Hooray! Yahoo! He is doing the house remodeling thing and getting paid about $180.00 per week. Not bad. Certainly helps out alot. I am so glad that he is working-you can not even imagine the amount of stress it has relieved me of. Thank God. But two of the guys that he works with are severe alcoholics and I kind of don't like David to be too tempted, y'know. He says they influence him in a positive manner because he sees how they act and he doesn't want to be like them. And he has never, ever been one to drink liquor very much or drank in the early part of the day(to my knowledge)
But i just don't want him to pick up any worse habits than the one's he already has.

Suddenly, I am tired. I worked 16 hours yesterday and 8 today and still have 8 more tomorrow before I have a day off so I suppose I had better sleep. Sleep is good.

My poor baby Sean

The whole household is sick, I think this is the worst cold I have had in ages. We are all cough-y and stuffy and miserable. Seth's nose is running like a digusting snotty faucet and Sean's as well. Only with the addition of an extremely high fever.
This morning David took him to the Dr. where he was diagnosed with brochiolitis and bilateral ear infections. How's that for a bad day?!
So now we are giving him albuterol neb treatments and amoxicillin. Poor little kid. It' so sad to see him so sick.

I have a cold.:(

The boys seem to be adjusting to day care-actually enjoying it! But David still doesn't have work...so their time in day care will be over this week if nothing changes.I won't pay for daycare so he can sit at home alone. So tired of my rollercoaster life- up and down all the time. Blech!

And on top of it all I am catching a cold so I feel lousy. Darned daycare! The boys brought this cold home from daycare. Aww, how kind of them to share.

Wow! Daycare isn't the end of the world!

The boys seem to really be enjoying it. Well, Seth, at least. Sean is still adjusting. Today we sent him to school with Chi-chi (his stuffed chicken) and it seemed to help him a bit.
Yes, i was off work today and still sent my kids to daycare. I'm not proud. But they were only there for four hours.
I was crazy lonely at the store, I'm just not used to going shopping alone. And I dont think I like it.
David was supposed to start working full time in the day this week- but so far there hasn't been any work. He knows that he's going to have to work if the boys are going to have to go to daycare. If he doesn't have work by the end of next week-the boys are coming out of daycare. I don't need another bill. In the meantime I am going to keep David very busy.

Seth told me that a girl in his class "with a white face like brother Sean's" was very pretty but she had messy hair. (Some guys are so picky!) And another girl in his class had purple arms, purple legs and a purple face. (weird!-I'm thinking she was actually, maybe brown colored. Where did the purple come from unless he has alien girls in his class?)
He seems to have alot of fun and is making some friends. I'm glad.:)

I am the CEO of my household

How is it that men and women are the same species but actually are only compatible physically simply for reproductive purposes.? Sometimes it seems like David is going to be a Toys R US kid forever. Myself, I grew up long ago. From what I have heard from other wives is that their spouses are extraordinarily similar. Women just learn to deal.
Meanwhile I tend to wonder how men would suvive without women. Would they just live in messy houses with dirty sheets and dirty dishes piled to the ceiling? Would the socks ever make it from the floor to the laundry?
In any case, I feel like I have to be the CEO of the household, especially one with three men in it. I assure you it is hard work that I think I deserve to be paid for. And it all starts after I come home from eight hourse at a job tht I do get paid for. Sometimes I really honestly feel like everyone I see wants something from me.
Today I was entering new orders into the computer at work and this one family memeber kept bugging me with piddly requests. He states "You always look like you're busy when i come up here"
I wanted to respond , "Thats because I am, dumbass, do you think I am sitting here playing solitaire on the computer?"
I thought my eyes were going to cross from staring at the computer so long. So why am i sitting at a computer right now? No clue. I'm a foolish fool.
An overtired foolish fool. So excuse my poorly written story, my brain has shut down for the night.
until we meet again..

This computer is slooooooooow lately..

Which is exactly why I am not on it too often these days. Well, that and new episodes of House and American Idol have been on. I am such a dork..
I have alot of charting that I have to do on a regular basis so I suppose I am sick of looking at a computer screen by the time I get home from work. Work has been so ridiculously busy, some days I feel like my head will esxplode if ONE MORE PERSON bugs me while I am trying to accomplish something else. Obviously, as a nurse, I have to be able to multitask. But there comes a time when you can only do so many multi tasks at one time. And I am certainly not super nurse. And at work we have coined a phrase "compassion fatigue". Which seems to occur when you deal with extremely needy family members or patients every single freaking day.
Heartless as it may sound, sometimes a girl starts to feel numb to everyone's issues. Not important ones, of course, but petty little things. I swear it seems that some patients' family members sit at home and think up silly questions to ask the nursing staff.
I might remind you that I work in long term care where the patients are stable for the most part-so many of the issues that the familys have seem to stem from their own past guilt about their relationship with their family member/patient.
And I have never seem so much denial about disease process as I have in the last year. Families just don't seem to want to accept their 90 year old mothers dementia/ weakness/behavior issue/terminal condition.
If men dominated the nursing field, I guarantee that the pay would be far, far better.
Nurses (and CNAs) just don't get enough credit. We honestly are good caring people or we wouldn't have gone into that profession. But we are not infallable, we are human.
I think there should be a National Hug-A-Nurse Day. :) We deserve it.

Boys are good. David is good. Working a few days a week, which is really helping. We got a letter from Countrywide mortgage that they could decrease our monthly payment significantly. I faxed a bunch of financial papers and am now awaiting a response. I hope it all goes well.
I guess I should be glad that no one bought our house when they auctioned it off last month. Maybe we will be able to keep it after all.

Happy flippin' new year

I should be more sunshiny since really, things are not all bad. David has been working a couple days a week remodeling houses with this guy he knows so that's been helping with our $$ situation considerably. We applied for assistance with gifts for the boys at Christmas and got some "Toys for Tots" for them- I thought we would get one toy per kid. We got quite a few! The boys did pretty well for the holiday.
We just seem to busy around here.The fun never ends.:)