COVID and grieving

 So Jackie has COVID. She got lucky all this time but it finally caught up to her. 

Sigh. So last evening I wake up feeling shitty. Kinda dizzy and lightheaded and feeling like I needed to stretch but I couldn't stretch enough for it so be satisfying. Weird feeling, anyway. David says I look really pale and have I checked my temp. So I did and it was 101.2. Ugh I haven't had a fever in many, many years so I'm fairly sure I have COVID. I've escaped it's grasp all this time but it finally caught me. 

So I took some tylenol and went to bed. I am just so uncomfortable! I'm kinda dizzy, my head hurts, and I'm nauseated. My nose is slightly drippy and my body aches. It feels like a flu. But nevertheless I hate the flu. I'm freaking miserable. I really hope this shit doesn't kill me. I'll be so pissed!

Last couple days I haven't been crying. I think I'm coming to terms with Philip's death. I can read the messages now and they make me happy instead of sad. God, I miss him though. He was really a great guy. Just easygoing and kind and respectful. Well,  I just thought he was wonderful. I'm thankful for the messages I have . All the kind words. I didn't even know the guy liked me more than a friend, you know? It was surprising when he was talking about wanting me to move away with him. But I was happy, cause I always liked the guy. Maybe he was just appreciative that I had worried about him for those years. So obviously I cared for him. He made me happy and I hope I made him happy in those last days.

Why am I still so upset? He wasn't my boyfriend, or best friend, or my lover, He was a guy I had a crush on for 4 YEARS!!! I just wanted his attention. 

I keep convincing myself that I need to read between the lines. Maye what I saw in the messages weren't actually true. Perhaps he was looking for someone to support him. Maybe he didn't like me at all. Maybe he was sincere. I guess I'll never know, will I?

OK so I took a COVID test on Thursday and I was negative which was shocking because I felt so horrible. The infection control nurse at work told me to check myself again on Saturday because some people are developing symptoms prior to testing positive. So I stayed in bed for two days being miserable. Today I feel pretty good, I check myself and I am positive. Great. At least I have a decent amount of paid time to use for the days I am out. 

This shit better not kill me. I will be one pissed off em effer. I have too much left to do in this stupid life.