Feeling a little better as the days pass.

 I wondered how I would feel with my first patient's death since Philip died. I was afraid that I would be upset. 

That happened last night. And I was fine. I did okay. I didn't cry. I felt like a normal day with a normal long suffering cancer patient finally had an end to his suffering. I never get very upset when my patients die. I've seen it so often in my life and, honestly, I only knew them for a relatively short period of time in their life. I pride myself on not being emotional so this past month has been excruciating. God, I hate feeling...anything actually. 

I did imagine Philip for a moment, as I tried to close my patient's eyes. I wondered if he died with his eyes open also. I wondered if he was dead all night before he was found. And who found him? I tried not to think about it too much, as it might get me upset.  

But I find I'm back to feeling disassociated from emotion again. Back to feeling numb from emotional high and lows. The other night I cried so hard and I wrote out a message to him so maybe that's just what I needed to do. Now everything has been said and all my tears have been cried and I can go back to regular life. I just need to guard my feelings so I don't lose control again.