It feels like forever ago

- Edited on 8-11-22

"This was an old entry I had written about Philip since I had a hard time after his death. I wasn't ready to publish it before but I can now since it isn't as fresh. 

I've been thinking about him more lately since my Mamaw died. If there's an afterlife I hope my Mamaw and Philip are watching out for me. God knows I need all the support I can get. What an odd pair they would be hanging out. But Philip was a decent respectful guy and Mamaw was a lovely respectful lady so I would hope they would get along for my sake. Isn't this a weird thing to say? "

Yes, I'm still going on about this. It's been a month since he died, so it's been a little longer than that since we last talked. It feels like it was a past life or something. Time is moving by oddly. Sometimes it almost feels like it can't be true. Someone is clearly messing with my mind. 

You know, even when I didn't know where he was for those couple years I checked arrests and I knew at least he was still alive so it was okay. But it's not okay anymore. 

Four years ago I enjoyed being with him to the point where I thought about leaving my husband so I could hang out with him all the time. I really liked him that much. But I lost my job and begged David to come back because I was broke. Even then I was so sad because I couldn't see him anymore and I was banned from talking to him or having him on social media. So you see this has been going on for years. For years I worried about this guy. He was a mess but I was still fascinated with him. When I would see him out at places I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't. I wished that I was with him but I wasn't. And then I worried about him all that time since then. 

I can't explain it. I don't know why I felt that way. I don't know why  I feel any way. There's no rational explanation. I'm glad we were able to talk a few times before he died. I'm glad he knew I cared all that time. I'm glad to know that he liked me too. 

Life put us in the same place at the same time and we had a good time. Even though it was crazy.  If he died in Englewood I would never have been able to tell him how worried I had been all that time. I'm glad I didn't find out about him six months later by accident. I know I mattered to him at the end. And I guess things worked out just the way they were meant to. But I miss him anyway. I wanted to say so much more. 

No matter how old I will ever be he will always be young in my mind.