Last night I had the most bizarre dream. It seemed so real. I woke up to go to the bathroom in my dream and while walking through the house my foot got caught in a strand of the Christmas lights that were hung throughout the house. So I fell down and David comes out of the bedroom with some scissors to cut off the strand of lights. Then I started walking into the kitchen and saw a bunch of empty boxes piled up and I moved them out of the way and they fell down and then David comes in yelling that I knocked down his tissue box and he picks up this long flat metal thing with a sharp flat edge and begins to try SCRAPING THE SKIN OFF MY BODY!I started yelling and then I woke up.
Who knows what that's all about.
Philip's birthday was the other day so I've been thinking about him a bit. It's just so SAD. He had absolutely nothing to ever offer me but I thought he was great because he was freaking NICE to me. That's all I want is someone to be nice to me.
I'm tired of being worried all the time that I am going to make someone mad. For a few years I was like, fuck it. All that time with the Tinder guys was simply so I could feel what it was like to have a man treat me nicely, even if it was only for sex. I didn't care. I've had anger directed at me for 20 years. I can't do anything right. Even when I do something right, it's wrong.
You don't know what kind of life that is!! It makes you a little crazy. And it's awful because you feel trapped. Is it so hard to be nice to someone you supposedly love? And when someone is mad at you for 20 years you try so hard not to upset them until you just say, I give up. Because no matter what you do the anger is still there. But it's hard to love someone that clearly hates you.
But if I speak up for myself then I get the car taken away or my social media accounts get their password changed so I can't access them. And he says Divorce me then! But I don't have a car. So here I am. Slowly going crazy thanking the gods above for my wonderful children because they are kind and loving to me. I feel like I deserved better in my life. But it's too late now.
1 comment:
It was never too late. You knew marrying me that my love for you was deep. You also knew that I was broken and angry. No matter how many times I tried, or how many times I apologized you never let me try to make it up to you. You turned your back on us and the family to persue your addiction to younger guys while telling me how much I was hated and repulsive. You never gave us the chance to heal. Thats not on me because I gave this relationship everything.
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