Mamaw and my dream

 So Mamaw died the other night. I won't say how I know, but know this, nobody in my family informed me of her death and here it is, three days later and still no one has told me. 

I'm learning a lot about my family. No matter how much they hate me and no matter how much they have written me off, they could have sent a brief message that she died. But I can hear my dad with that dismissive tone of voice that he uses when he's angry, " Forget Jennie, where has she been all this time?" 

I've been living every day. Working and supporting my family. I've come up from my lowest in the last three years all by myself. With no help or encouragement from them. It's true that you realize who is real when you reach rock bottom. I had some good friends by my side. But my family was nowhere. My dad let us live there for 6 months and let us know often that he didn't like us there. That was about the most tense 6 months of my life. I could finally breathe again when he kicked us out. Just as well, the motel had a nice pool. 

I had a dream about my Mamaw yesterday. Her and Josh and I were spending the day together. Joshua was a baby but he could talk like an older kid for some reason. I remember that we were riding in a truck of some sort and there were booths and tables like in a restaurant but then they disappeared. All the sudden everybody was standing in this truck and there were no seats. So I was holding baby Joshua and Mamaw and I were sitting on the floor. We were going to her job which was an office of some sort and she had a very higher up position.

Once we got there she disappeared. It was just Joshua and myself and at the office they told me that she wasn't there but she called there to speak to me. She said she couldn't come up to the office because she was dying. I said, "No way, you are fine, we will just see you tomorrow instead!" She insisted, " No, I really am dying, Jennie" I kept arguing with her  that she was being dramatic and that we will see her in the morning. She said " I have to go but I love you, muah, muah." 

And then I went to look out the window of the office building and I opened my eyes and I was staring at my bureau next to my bed. And my dream was over. 

My Mamaw was 95 when she died on July 31. She has been in a nursing home for a number of years because she had dementia for maybe 10-12 years maybe? 

She lived in her own home when Josh was born because I remember bringing him to see her and she would rock him and rock him, just like she did when Sean and Jackie were babies. Oh, she just loved rocking the babies! When Josh was a tiny toddler I remember bringing him to her assisted living facility to visit her. I would show her were I worked, I would point to the nursing home where I worked. I could see it from her window. And then she would walk us down stairs to the car. Every time I went to visit her at her house she would do that also. She would stand out front until I was out of site before she went back in. She would wave and say " Love you!" Oh she just loved my kiddos. I wish I could go back to those days one more time and sit on the couch and talk with her while she rocked in her chair and watched her game shows. When the kids were babies I would put a blanket on the floor in her living room and just let them play. When Jackie was a baby we used to go to the mall all the time. We would do our mall walk and then get something to eat in the food court.

I remember going to the mall and wandering through and I always had to go to Sears to see if Mamaw was working so she could see my kids. She loved them so much. 

I wanted to go see her when she was at the nursing home but nobody could ever seem to remember the name of the place. I don't know if it was just awful memory on their part or did they not want me to see her for some reason? 

When she had falls I would always go see her in the hospital. She even was at my nursing home for a while when I was pregnant with Joshua. I worked nights but every single morning I would go visit her room before I went home. By that time she was losing her memory and I would answer the same questions over and over. I would talk with her roommates a bit. She had a couple different roommates while she was there and they knew that she had memory problems and they would look out for her and make sure she got what she needed. I am forever grateful for those couple ladies that did that. 

I remember that I made some nice pictures of my kids and I put their names on the frame so she could remember their names. I also remember that someone, I suspect my aunt, took those pictures and put them in Mamaws drawer out of sight and put pictures of my cousin's kids up. When I found those pictures I reclaimed them. No sense in putting them back up to be removed again. Some of the most devout Christians have evil in their heart, I'm serious. 

But not Mamaw, she was a good person and she loved everyone in her family. Were there some that she liked more than others? Yes, I know because she told me so. She told me a lot about people over the years. Mamaw and I talked a lot. From when I would visit in high school, to when I lived with her for 3 years, to bringing the kids to see her. I spent so much time with her and I know how much she loved me. 

So to all that didn't bother to tell me she was gone. Go have the day you deserve. Now that Mamaw is gone I have no need for any of y'all. I'm done with the lot of you and you have proven that you are absolutely the worst people. I may not be a perfect person but my heart has love in it instead of hate. 

I know how some of you took advantage of her, having her sign for car loans after she developed dementia. Or the ones that took that antique table that she had received from her friend Bliss. You took antiques and treasured items out of her house while Mamaw was still living there! Just greedy awful people, how could you? If there is an afterlife I hope she sees who you all really are.