THE stupidest thing I have ever done.

My mind was racing and my thoughts weren't even making logical sense. I just felt uncontrollable, mind-numbing, blinding rage. I felt dizzy and nauseous. All of the sudden as I am looking out my front window, time seemed to slow down. I watched my fist hit the window and I was genuinely surprised when it shattered. I saw the glass break but didn't really hear it. I saw the blood but did not feel any pain. At least I had enough sense left in me to apply pressure to the gash in my forearm and pick out the little pieces of glass in my knuckle. But I was still more upset that David wasn't home yet than I was upset that I had smashed a window and bled all over the floor. When David arrived home shortly thereafter, I remember yelling at him that I couldn't go to the mall because he was home late.
He thought I was an idiot for what I had done. And I knew he was right.
So instead of going to the mall we packed everyone up and headed to the emergency room. I almost passed out when I got there because suddenly I felt the pain and had truly realized what had happened. My BP was 80/50 and I wasn't sure if I wanted to faint or throw up. The triage nurse instructed me to do some deep breathing to call me down and I recovered. Then I called my grandmother from there to inform her that I wouldn't be going to the mall because I am a moron. She came up to the hospital to wait with me so David could take the boys home. She even gave David a few bucks to get Seth and him some fast food on the way home. I told her to go but she said she would wait with me. Around 8:30PM as I sat in ER room #13 ( figures..) waiting for the Dr. to stitch me up she even went to Wendy's and got me some food. I am not sure I deserve such wonderful family when I do such stupid things. But I thank God for my family.
I was eager to get stitched up and go home so I could move on past this horrible thing that happened but the Dr. took a while. Finally he came in cleaned out my wound ( I never saw my own fat, or adipose tissue, before, it's a bit yellowish and jelly-like. I hope I never see it again). I think he just cleaned it with sterile saline but it burned like heck. Then he numbed the area around it which was a bit uncomfortable but I guess he did well considering I did not feel him stitching me. Only a little pressure from the skin edges being pulled together. I couldn't watch closely ,even though I was curious, because I thought watching the needle going into my skin might be a little much for me to handle. Mamaw watched though. I expected the Dr. to treat me poorly since I had a self-inflicted wound but he was actually pretty nice and friendly.I ended up with seven sutures in my arm and a tetanus shot. I also have several smaller superficial lacerations on my fingers, hand, and forearm.
So all in all my right arm feels like crap. I cannot lift my arm above my shoulder so it was quite difficult to get dressed and undressed. I was able to work just fine, it was taking care of the boys that put alot of stress on my arm and made it more sore. Oddly enough my back hurts ,too. Maybe during my adrenaline rush I strained it somehow. I deserve this pain I feel. I deserve it 100%.
I just keep thinking "Why?". More serious things have occurred in my life to cause me anger but I never punched a wall or a window. Why over such a minor issue? Why did I let it get at me and eat at me?
David's theory is that I have been supressing my anger lately and did not have an outlet such as my blog, or a friend to confide in. So I boiled over.
So now I am blogging so I can get it all out. I called Tammy to discuss it with her and she gave me some advice. Since my mom doesn't care to listen to my issues I sort of consider Tammy to be my adopted mom. We talk about everything and I appreciate her.
Now I am going to take a warm shower and redress my wound.
I will be calm.