My Charmed Life

 I was arrested because I was addicted to and stealing opiates. Then I lived as a very, very poor person for a few years, bouncing my family from address to address. Living in hotels and with family , being evicted too many times, maybe three? Four? I lost count. One car repossessed. Instead of drugs, I became addicted to men. So many men. Then I quit men for cocaine. Oh, I did so much cocaine. And I loved it. I spent all our money on it. So we had to move to NH because we were broke and homeless. 

Now I have my nursing career back and I make more than I did in Florida. I live in a little house with my family and I try to get them anything they want. My life is a charmed one. I don't want for anything anymore. I don't have to count change to go to the store and we aren't hungry. 

Do deserve this? Probably not. I try to hide that I am an awful person but my family knows the real me. The me that wants everything a certain way. The me that gets whatever I want or I get mad. The me that isn't soft and sensitive anymore. The me that demands everybody do what I want them to do. David does it too. He knows I get what I want. That's why I got all the men and after that, all the cocaine. I was miserable for a year after I moved to NH. No drugs and no men. I still have to live that life. Maybe that's why I feel so grumpy. I have to fake that I'm a "good" person so I can keep a job and live a normal life. But inside I'm seething. 

I'm bored here. And I want to go do things and I want to take the kids places. But my husband isn't a worker bee like myself. He's happy to stay at home watching TV. He only works part time but hates the hours he works. And if he doesn't work then I have no extra money because my paycheck pays for everything. This is a recurring theme through our marriage. He's just not ambitious. Never has been. Drives me nuts. But this is the life I chose. I guess. This is getting old.