Tis the effin' season

Yet again, here we are, Christmas is upon us. I see s many commercials and ads for a plethora of items I know my family would love. But I never have any money to purchase them. It's been years since I went Christmas shopping. We end up splurging and getting the boys one nice gift and them get Toys for Tots for the rest. They are usually very nice gifts as well. That's life, I suppose. We do what we can.
But I always, always make sure we participate in the different Christmas activities around town. I drag them to the Christmas parade, the Festival of Lights at Fisherman's Village, we always go on the Christmas light cruise in Punta Gorda. And of course any school activities .I still would like to take them to the Lights in Bloom at the botanical gardens, which we may still do after the holiday.

So there you go, I drag them to Christmas festivities instead of buying lots of gifts. I like to think that quality time is more important than any gift anyway.
But it sure would be fun to do some shopping!

OCD the true story

Sometimes I hear people joke about having OCD related to some random stupid thing, "I always lock my car twice, I guess I am so OCD haha!" or " I always wipe my shoes on the mat when I enter a house, I'm so OCD!"

Hmm, not so much. If it was only so mild and pleasant and humorous. I wish.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by anxiety regarding tidiness and cleanliness. Nothing ,including my body, is clean enough. I am merely disgusted y myself and my surroundings. I feel like I could scratch my skin and pull at my hair to act out the hatred I possess for myself and my all around me. I don't want to be touched unless I know you just climbed out of a good bath.
Oddly enough, any baby aged child of mine is exempt. Can't explain that one.

I can't stand feeling this way. Often I wonder the bliss of being a slob with no order or organization to run my life.

When I go to work, no matter how busy it is, I have to clean and tidy up the nurses station. A place for everything and everything in it's place. I cannot concentrate in a cluttered mess.
 I have one patient that I am convinced must have been a former hoarder. I can picture her small dwelling full of cheap knick-knacks and garage sale junk. Probably cats and items from a flea market sale, piled up next to half-empty bowls of nastiness and cups of cold coffee. I can't stand her room, to enter it simply makes me cringe.
I miss having my own car since I always kept it clean. My lovely husband tends to leave trash in our van and shirts and sweaters and receipts on the passenger seat.
I love my kids but they always wipe their hands n their clothing of even the furniture. By now I wish I could get a new couch every month, nice and clean and unstained.

When I was a child I had an obsession with numbers. Everything had to be 4. Or multiples of 4, but preferably 4. Because it was even. If you put 4 on a see saw you would have 2 on each side and it would balance, you see. I had to turn light on and off 4 times. Among numerous other things. I thought I would have some kind of "bad luck" if I did not.

I started taking antidepressants when I was twenty for severe depression. I have battled it for most of my adult life. That and my anxiety. My horrible anxiety. I really wonder what it would be like to be normal but am aware that I may never know. I feel guilty sometimes for having children as I am afraid it may be a genetic condition. Both of my parents had experienced anxiety and depression at times in their life. As does my brother.
I can't believe my poor kids have me to be their mom. Fortunately the bad days are relatively rare.

I suppose I should just try my best and see where it gets me. Who knows?

#Separate Lives

What is with all the hash tags? I think it's a Twitter thing but I see a lot of them on Facebook as well. Little annoying in my opinion.

In any case, I feel like David and I are ships passing in the day. He watches Joshua while I sleep and wakes me when he goes to work. This weekend we have 2 whole days off together. I really love that man. And no matter what we may or may not be able to afford in life he helped me have the best gifts ever. Boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3. Otherwise known as Seth, Sean and Joshua.

I love my kiddos more than anything. I know people who more of less dislike or possibly hate their kids and I may never understand. Do my kids ever get on my nerves? Do I ever go to the bathroom to get some quiet? Of course. I'm only a human, after all. But hugs and smiles from my boys makes me always feel a bit better.

Recently I found out that a previous occupant of my house was a horrible man and his wife who hated his son so much they would lock him in his room and feed him one peanut butter sandwich a day- slid under the door. Of course, leaving the boy no choice but to urinate and defecate in his room. He had no rug in his room. Only a mattress on the floor. No toys. No books.
That room now houses my two boys. And haunts me.

It happened 3 years ago. That year I did an agency shift at the behavioral center and took care of that boy earlier in the year prior to all this stuff being found out. His family complained about his horrible behavior and his urinating and such all over his room. they conveniently left out the part where he was locked in said room leaving him no choice. So anyway, they brought him to the behavioral center, where it was common knowledge among the staff that his parents disliked him. Especially his stepmom. Turns out the boys was not incontinent ever while he was there, and well behaved, polite and sweet. He enjoyed playing ball in the hallway with another kid that was there at the same time. Adorable boy.
I wished I could adopt him, I seriously did! I thought he would be a great big brother to my boys. Anyway he ended up being sent back with his family which very nearly starved him to death 4 months later. It bothers me that the behavioral center had a chance to intervene and remove him from that home but did not.

In any case, I am haunted everyday as to what that poor boy went through in this house. All those days alone, hungry, sad, and scared. I wish I could have saved him.

But at least I can always make sure that my boys never, ever have to feel that way.

Sometimes I miss the day

I loved kayaking, I still do, and probably would more often if I had an easier way to transport my kayak. I have to shove it in the back of the van and bungee the hatch closed. Obviously I cannot drive very far. I have tried getting it on top of the van and failed miserably.
I could rent one at any number of places but money is never plentiful in my life. So driving very far isn't a great idea either. And I would have to have someone watch Joshua since I can't figure out how to kayak with a baby.

In all I miss exploring the local canals and wading on the beach and enjoying the lovely sounds of water nature. Unfortunately I have had some unexplained pain in my left wrist as well. Until I get that fixed I have to limit excessive use of it.

Lately I have been taking long morning walks with Joshua and, in addition to the exercise, I have been enjoying the nature in my neighborhood. Lots of trees and birds, so I am making an effort to get out.
Even so I miss getting out on the water. I hope to soon enough.

some thoughts...

As a bit of a rebel, I refuse to believe everything that I have been told. Maybe it's because for many years I was the gullible one people played tricks on since I was so trusting of others. But no more. I like to get the facts for myself. Anyway, I have grown up as a casually Christian girl. Never really attended church. But it's seems that the more I learn about Christianity, I realize that women are not very respected. I just cannot get on board with that type of thinking. Do I think Jesus respected women. I think so. He was kind and respectful to all, man or woman, rich or poor. I think God loves all. That being said, somehow many Christian churches have become very judgemental. Some people that should be the most representative of Christianity don't act like it so much. They like to talk about being blessed and quote scriptures and judge others by whether they are Christian. I'd rather base an opinion of a person by their actions. You can act Christian and not even be one. And many Christians don't act like it at all.
Kindness and love can be felt by anyone in any religion.

I would like to know a religion or church that respects and values women and men equally as humans. I could totally get on board with that. But no church that considers me a second class citizen is one I want to be part of.

Crazy Political Weirdos

One day I worked an agency shift for a Hospice case. I was scheduled alongside a crazy-as-a-loon nurse that babbled about politics all day. Now I did not pay too much attention to political issues. It's my opinion that politicians are some of the most crooked people on Earth, next to used car salesmen. Pretty sad that they are making the laws. But what can I do? nothing which is why I don't pay too much attention. It only angers me. Anyway Crazy Nurse carried on all shift about how I should pay attention to politics or I will be sorry. I should hoard my guns and ammo for when Obama makes us all become Muslim and have to wear Burkas or some crap. And ,of course, she gets all the most current news from Facebook before the news even gets the story, (seriously, Crazy Nurse?)
She even told a lady visiting the dying guy ( why was she discussing politics with a lady grieving for a dying friend?) that people who don't make themselves aware of politics ( me, sitting right there) are going to be sorry! I was happy to get away from Crazy Nurse at the end of the shift.

Now, my sister and mom are intensely political and very enthusiastic in their opinions. Again they believe that it is SO important to be informed. So I made myself get informed. And guess what, hmm, I find that my political opinions put me on the exact opposite side of the political spectrum from my sister and mom. So they still are irritated. Sigh, Make yourself informed but only if you agree with me?

My beliefs put me in the less popular progressive, liberal category. I believe in rights to make choices, taking care of our own and acceptance. I am actually interested in political issues going on these days. but I rarely discuss them since it seems most people are more conservative. I don't want to argue politics , actually I dislike arguing at all.

I am not sure , honestly, why there are so many judgmental people around, doesn't it feel better to be kind to others?

Living the Night shift

I love working nights. I have some awesome coworkers, besides I can avoid all the many bosses and craziness that occur in the day. Downside, I am always tired. I fell like I could sleep for 24 hours straight. Unfortunately, I am always awakened several times while I attempt to sleep in the day. I guess it's quite obvious what is on my mind right now. Sigh..

Hello Beautiful People, and the Crazy Story of Preeclampsia

I'm fairly certain that nobody reads this, I am also fairly certain that someone has spilled something on my keyboard at sometime and I have some annoying sticky keys. Moving on..

At some point David and I had decided on having on last kid. We hoped to have a daughter, at least David did. It took 8 very long months of counting cycle days and ovulation tests and planned days of lovin' for the only purpose of conception. I was reading to give up and call it a frickin' day when I finally became pregnant in June 2012. Apparently since I was 35 I had to see a specialist, which was nice because I received lots of ultrasounds. Which also informed us that we were having another ,yay!, boy. David was rather sad and for the remainder of the pregnancy was quite sadly disconnected from it. Little depressing. The pregnancy was hard on me and I slept ALOT. By late January I was told that my blood pressure was quite elevated, and didn't go down with regular interventions. Lab tests showed preeclampsia. I was ordered on bed rest to keep my blood pressure down. Seriously, nothing makes me want to do stuff than being told to do nothing. Boring!!!! And sad. I had to have regular non stress tests where they listen to baby heart beat over a determined period. Thankfully all was wonderful with baby. I was the one at risk. They hoped to keep me on bed rest until my early March due date. Unfortunately I began having severe headaches at night from blood pressure spikes. After a few days of intolerable pain I was admitted to the hospital for them to try to get the blood pressures down and ease my headaches somehow. No such luck. I was induced on February 12, 2013, 5 weeks early. The epidural eased my pain and headache like a wonderful godsend. Though they had to give me something to bring my blood pressure up since the epidural made it drop too low, go figure. I didn't ever realize that baby Joshua was crowning.

He was born in the late morning, just a wee thing under 5 pounds. I got to kiss him quickly prior to being whisked away to the NICU. Because at that time I was apparently bleeding out all my blood. My BP got as low as 70/40 and I wondered if I might die. I remember being so sleepy, sleepier than I ever had been. It took all I had to force myself to stay awake. David was next to me looking a bit scared, I learned later that he called my sister crying that he thought he was going to lose me. Anyway, for what seemed like a very long time there were lots of nurses and the Dr. in the room doing a lot of massaging of my abdomen to help stop bleeding. The Dr. even placed her entire hand into my uterus to ensure there were no more placenta parts in there .
Fortunately I did not end up requiring a blood transfusion but was quite weak and tired for a few days afterward. I didn't get to see Joshua again until the next day. He looked so tiny and helpless hooked up to so many tubes and monitors, I cried feeling like it was all my fault. While all the other post partum moms had their crying infants with them I was all alone. I felt like I had been through the wringer and had nothing to show for it. The Dr. let me go home after a few days so I could be with my family and not sad at the hospital.
Joshua remained there for 2 weeks, he was a sleepy boy and didn't want to stay awake to eat so they had to place a tube in his nose down to his stomach so they could get the food in him. It was a depressing couple weeks. Then, of course, one day before he was due to be discharged I ended up in the emergency dept. with severe vertigo/ nausea and vomiting. Sometimes, you just get kicked when your down, you know? They fixed me up and Joshua as well and he was able to come home in late February. Home to his family where he belongs. :)

Meet joshua

Hello Joshua Henry Dreyer!
A lot changes in an entire year! New kid, new house..all new. Shoot it's hard to type and feed a baby a bottle at the same time!

Well, I guess cars only last so long..

This is the new Dreyer-mobile. Not brand new. It is 10 years old.. and it needs some new brakes..and the driver's side and passenger side windows don't go down. But for the most part it's super nice. Apparently some disgusting slobs had it last so we had to do some cleaning but it's spotless now.  It's nice and roomy and thwe boys love it.

Unfortunately the other car had some head gasket issues thatwas going to be expensive to repair..so we figured it wasn't even worth it. So we traded it and gave them $700 (borrowed from David's mom) to put down payment on this van.

I like it.

Happy new year!

I guess after living 34 years another year is just that..another year. No big. I don't have any resolutions. I don't plan on making any life changes. I guess I could lose a couple pounds, but that could happen in March or August. Whatever.
Working nights have me tired and my body confused. I slept all day but I am still tired. And my growing butt is completely due to working nights. I spend my nights doing more paperwork and charting than actual patient care. therefore I am exerting less energy and burning less calories. Not good. I want to push away from the table before it gets out of control and I become a big blob rolling and slithering through the hallways. Not to mention, it occurred to me I would have to buy new clothing and I just don't have the funds to purchase a new wardrobe at this point.

I went to my Dr. and told him my Cymbalta was working out for me. Since I don't yet have insurance he gave me 2 months of samples. How cool!. I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy. Some people, even Drs. have a a good decent heart and empathize with their patients. I know most Drs. are supposed to but it is not always the case.

Wow, I am so tired.

Wow, 2012 already!!

Yep, been busy over the holidays. But it's been fun. And happy. Did I mention busy? Yes, I am back to working full time now, three 12 hour shifts per week. Nights. But oh, well.

David was laid off from his seasonal job at Target. They simply did not need him anymore. That was sad. It upset him alot. He really did like it there.

I changed my antidepressant medication. I switched from Zoloft to Cymbalta. I really wanted to get away from some of the unpleasant side effects of the Zoloft. So far the Cymbalta is great. I didn't even notice a switch. I stopped the Zoloft one day and started the Cymbalta the next. I took a lower dose for the first week and then upped to 60mg. and it seems to be working great. I feel good. Yay for Cymbalta!! It actually is supposed to help with chronic pain and fibromyalgia as well. Neither have I been diagnosed with but I have occasional low back pain and arthritic fingers and R knee. So I hope it helps.

New start for 2012 and I am optimistic. I think David and I will have some major changes in the new year but more on that in the future...

Korn, Korn, Korn!!!!!!

Unfortunately Halloween excitement took a backseat to the upcoming Korn concert. For myself, at least. Last night David and I were watching a Korn live concert on HD TV when David mentioned how long it has been since he went to a good concert. I was wondering simply when the concert was filmed. So I looked it up on Facebook , or was it Wikipedia, anyway I discovered they have their 10th album coming out in December and they are currently on tour. David noticed that they were going to be in Tampa in less than 2 weeks and then we got excited and bought tickets. Yeah, just like that.

Last time I saw them it was 1996 at Lollapalooza in West Palm Beach. I did not know much of them, I was looking more forward to seeing Tool, actually. I was with my lame-ass jerk ex-boyfriend. I sat next to this cute guy who I actually talked to more than my boyfriend. This guy had a Korn shirt so naturally I always rememeber him as the "Korn guy". We talked about music and he seemed really nice. If he would have said, "Hey, redhaired rock girl, come live with me and I can get you a job." I would have said, "Sweet!"  and would have left my boyfriend, whom I did not like much. I could have moved away with Korn guy and lived happily ever after and listen to Korn all the time. Oh, the memories.

Happy Halloween!

I decided to be a flapper this year.

 David, Sean and I

 Zombie Seth, it's fake blood.

Striking a pose for the camera.

To test or not to test..

We received a letter from Seth's school that his teacher would like him tested for potentially gifted classes or some program. Considering this is the same kid that was suspended every other week in kindergarten because of behavior issues, I am hesitant to do anything that would change his routine or his teacher.
I agreed to the testing but am not sure what will come out of it. I keep thinking this is what taechers do if they want a kid out of their class, since I know he can be trying at times. I guess we will see.

this is what I have been doing...

kayaking...

 beaching....

 crocheting...

 bicycling...

 hanging with squidward...

more crocheting...



when I am not working, of course!!

Hey, remember me!?

I had forgotten about this here blog. Wow, things sure have changed since the last time I posted anything.

And I discovered that they was a section that I could refer to to check for any comments. I was quite surprised that anyone ever commented at all on anything.

David and I are still happy and not divorced as we were contemplating at one time. We still have two lovely boys. Seth just turned 7 and Seanie is 4.

I am working on an as needed basis at a long term care facility called Signature Health Care and also at a staffing agency. Which I absolutely love!

Though I am not employed full time anywhere, I certainly receive full time hours..or at least full time pay. You see, working on a PRN basis I receive higher hourly pay that a regular worker..so I can work a few hours less and receive same pay. Downside is..no health benefits. So I get more of my pay since it is not paying for insurance but I end up having to have my family and kids on Medicaid health benefits.

No I am not proud. But don't have much choice right now. I certainly cannot afford any private health plan! But I try to rationalize it. I think about when Sean was a lilttle baby and I was scraping by to pay for his formula and diapers and David was out of work. How I made a tiny bit too much money for WIC and how I wanted to cry because we were so poor and I needed the assistance so much.

Anyway, things are better now. Wow, things have changed so much in the last year-and-a-half since I posted anything on this blog.

To make a long story short.

I was offered the job at the Dr. office but they wanted to pay me close to nothing so i turned it down. A girls gotta live, ya' know.
I had interviews at two different facilities today and both went well but thyey did not have 7-3 full time positions available. I got a job at one of the places doing part time /PRN so that is a start. Both places were very interested in hiring me -if they had a position available.

I am feeling conflicted...

I went to the interviews yesterday. First with the office manager and then with the Dr. Both went well.

This morning I recieved a call from the staffing agency offering me the position. They wanted me to start Monday. Yippee! I thought. But then I was told what they wanted to pay me..and my heart sank. I even told the lady. I haven't been paid that since my first nursing job 10 years ago!
I was a $6.50 hr. pay cut from my previous job! What! Now I fully expected to make less than I was at Harbour Health but, I mean, I do have to survive and feed my family. And pay for day care.

So i called the nursing staffing agency, they want me to come in on Tuesday for my second interview. ( The lady told me at the first one that if I was asked to come for a second one, I pretty much got the job)

So I declined the offer at the Dr. office for the agency job. I think that some people think I am foolish for doing that but I just hate to take so many steps back ward like that. I truly feel I am worth more than what they offered. I have experience and many skills to offer.

I think in the long run, I am going to be happy with my decision. My heart just wasn't into the Dr. office thing. I need to work in long term care.

I sure hope something good comes out of this.

I have an interview with the Recovery Center tomorrow at 0930. They really are interested in someone that can work on short notice -which I cannot. It's dealing with mental health and detox patients which is way out of my experience. Not that i wouldn't be intersted in learning- but i am used to dementia crazy- not "crazy" crazy. And no I am not being derogatory because I have diagnoses that make me technically " crazy" as well. But can I deal with a bunch of "me's"?
Probably not.
In any case, I may not go to the interview.

This morning I received a call regarding an app i had filled out weeks ago for a position at a Dr. office. She asked if i was still interested (yes!) and could I come for an interview.(Yes!) 15 minutes later one of the long term care facilities called to set up an interview for Monday (yes!)
Later that morning I got a call from a very pleasant sounding woman regarding a position at a home health agency in Bradenton. She sounded more than eager to employ me- but I simply cannot drive almost 100 miles for a job- unless it pays wicked well. So i had to say no. She sounded disappointed. Maybe that was my imagination..

I filled ot the application for a home health agency more local, but I am guessing it ended up in their data base and was pulled up in Bradenton. Who knows?

At the interview I had to fill out some paperwork ( I am so sick of writing out my personal info and work history, aren't resumes supposed to elimate all tht writing?) and then sit down with the lady at the employment place. She seemed to like me and she was confident that I would do well at the proposed position at a local dr. office. She also reassured me that my background check was clear, ( I knew that) and I voiced my concerns that my prior job might say something unfavorable. She was supportive and stated that if they did say I was a poor emlpoyee she could ask them why ,then, did they keep me as an employee for the better part of nine years?

I think I like that lady.

Tomorrow I am going to interview with the office manager of the Dr. office.

Then I got a call from another place I applied, they want to come in and fill out, wait for it, paperwork! That job is at a correctional institution. I could do it, but the hours would be difficult with my kids- plus it's in another town. I am pondering what to do about this situation. I am going to cancel the recovery center interview in the morning, going instead to the Dr. office one.

Oh dear. my head is spinning...