....It's a mid life crisis......

I'm thirty-effing-seven. I have many years to go, I hope. But recently I have begun pondering a lot of things about life. I have three wonderful kids and a extraordinary husband that loves me very much. I am a healthy happy person. I have everything I should need but I struggle financially. Much like many others, but since I am only me I cannot compare whose suffering is worse. I can never just go out and get the boys new clothes and school supplies. I have to hope that my work sends some shifts my way. I am at their mercy, and summer isn't the best time of year for a staffing agency.
I wish I could have a new car, I wish I could take my kids on vacation, or even day trips to a neighboring town, or a nice beach in another city. Sometimes I even wish I could buy myself some new clothes or some new shoes or scrubs for work.
I always want lots of things and envy everyone else that seems to have life so easy.

I would like success as well. I see many former coworkers excelling in their lives getting higher and higher degrees and promotions. I see their close knit work environments and their friendships. Friends I used to have when I worked there. But many times when you don't work at a place those friendships fade away and become Facebook acquaintance variety.

I love my job. I work at a staffing agency and go to new places and meet different people all the time and it is awesome. And something not everyone can do as well as I can. Not everyone can jump into a new job and new facility in a moments notice and be able to do it successfully and I am proud that I can.
But in doing that kind of work, I don't develop friendships and meaningful relationships with constant coworkers. I guess it's kind of like one night stands, they are pleasant and fun at the time, but generally unfulfilling. Sort of.

I get lonely not having friends. Honestly I never cared to go out with friends and do a lot of out-of-work socializing. But I had my peeps at my work that I could talk to every day. I miss them very much.

I also wonder if I had a proper , stable home environment in my very vulnerable teen years if I would have done better in school or at least attended 4 years of college, or at least 2, while under my parents roof. Which would have made me more successful today.
My teen years were awful. My parents were at the end of their marriage and their lives were a goddamned mess. Neither of them could really give two craps about us at the time. They decided to divorce on my friggin' high school graduation of all days, which, of course was a depressing , rainy day. Thankfully, I had some good friends to rely on for support. Well, I survived it all to be a bitter woman.

I just wish I could go back to 18, knowing what I know now, and maybe do some things differently. Of course, I would wish for the same husband and the same kids, but maybe a higher level in my career field.
Go back to school? I definitely want to. But my financial aid always comes through after classes begin. Finances were a big problem when I was a teen. I simply could not afford to take more than one class at a time. And financial aid is a clusterfuck. They don't make it easy.

Damn, I wish life came with an instruction book.

Depression- my lifetime struggle

I would give my R foot ( seriously) to not know depression so intimately. I have been struggling with it for my entire adult life, and I suspect part of my teen years. Sometimes I suspect I may be bipolar but I haven't ever been diagnosed.
Some days I feel so great the sun is shining beautifully and I want to clean and take walks and take the kids to festivals and enjoy the world, Oh, how the world has so much to live for!
But other times I hate to get out of bed and I play computer games to distract myself from the numbness in my head. Logically I know I have so much, but emotionally I feel like I am falling, falling and I am trying to grab something , anything and I can't. Everything is bleak and boring and no thing interests me. Soemtimes I tell myself that it's money issues or something that bring me down, but even when I have plenty of money I feel this way, so I know I am lying to myself to find a legitimate reason for my depression.
I don't cry. I just feel numb and blah. I understand why some people cut themselves or do crazy drugs. Sometimes you just want that numbness to go away. So you would rather feel high or drunk, or even feel some pain. Anything but the numbness that depression brings.
Working at detox centers through the staffing agency and taught me that most people with substance abuse issues have mental illnesses. Many are homeless. And, sadly enough, some are teenagers or barely out of their teens and have nowhere to go. So their life sucks AND they have no support or stability AND they are mentally ill AND they are an addict. It's a never ending cycle of detoxing these people and then eventually kicking them back out to live in shelters or whatnot. You can't make the mental illness go away, even if the addiction is gone. That's how they ended up with that problem in the first place.

I have excellent support in the form of my husband. When I am feeling weak or unable to function in this world, he pulls a lot of slack for me. He keeps me going, and keeps me from giving up when things seem too difficult. My children do too of course, but only by being them. I would do anything for my kids. But they aren't specifically aware of mental illness and my personal battles, so therefore they can't consciously support me.
I certainly hope that I don't pass it to them as it was passed to me. My mother has a history of depression, as does my father, who also had debilitating anxiety when I was a child.

I know I am lucky to have the life I have. I am lucky that I have a supportive family. I am lucky medications exist to reduce my highs and lows and make me more stable.

But sometimes depression makes it difficult to realize any of it.

I love my family more than my career, who knew?

So through my agency I make about $7 more per hour than at my fulltime job. So I can work 3 shifts a week and make the same as 5 at my full time job. Downside is that there aren't any benefits. Easy peasy solution: Sign up for insurance on the government website. No propb. Thanks Obama! Seriously, thanks Obama for allowing me the ability to have affordable health insurance for my kids and allowing me to work part time so I can spend more time with them. I guess I CAN have it all. Honestly, since I am not regularly working I qualify for Medicaid for us. Say what you will about me but I have paid into it for the last 22 years so now I can use it.  No guilt here.

Honestly I am loving being home more.  I am actually being a mom to my wee Joshua and I am spending more time with David , in turn helping our relationship. I actually sleep at night so I am not tired all the time and I am enjoying Seth and Sean also. Sean and I are growing a garden from seed and are really enjoying watching everything grow. We have veggies and lots of flowers.
 Now that I have time I want to start kayaking again.
And I know some neat places I want to take the boys this summer, the botanical gardens in Sarasota has a neat play place for kids now and also I'd like to get them to the beach as well. David and I have a festival concert we are going to later this month when his dad and stepmom are here. They already have agreed to watch the boys so we can go so e are excited for that.

I am feeling happier and more optimistic theses days. Maybe it's the sunshine that I have been missing for so long.
  The money issue is the main one that I have to worry about. But I don't want to worry right now..

Hmm, now what?

A few weeks ago I quit my job.
It was something that I had been contemplating for quite awhile now. I was very unhappy there and the turnover rate with staff was crazy. In 4 years there had been 3 administrators, 4 directors of nursing, and too many unit managers, and staff development nurses to even be able to count. Not to mention the ever changing roster of coworkers. Some would come to orient to the job and never come back. Never a good sign.
It's always frustrating when , just as you figure out what the boss expects of you , they quit , soon to be replaced with another with an entire new list of expectations. Friggin' ridiculous.

Anyway they called to inform me to come in IMMEDIATELY regarding an investigation. When I informed them I had no car and kids and blah blah, they spoke to me briefly regarding it on the phone. I decided I didn't want to be involved in the crap they were pinning on me, so it didn't take long to decide not to go back.

I do still have my job with the agency that I pick up shifts every now and then, and I am well aware that I need to get of my butt and get a new job but I sure am not in a hurry. I am sure the husband wishes I would be a little more motivated. But I honestly feel like I missed out on a good portion of the last year, the first year of Joshua's life. I worked 5 nights a week, sleeping much of the day, going about my business in an overtired, drowsy stupor.
I miss the day time and I miss my family and when you have a job that , pretty much, discourages any time off, you get a little burn out. I am not eager to jump right into full time work again. I am enjoying life for the time being.
But I suppose I can't live off my tax return forever. I am torn between life and living.

Happy first birthday Joshua!

I can't believe a year has gone by. A year of giggles, hugs, kisses, smiles, and more than a little stinky diapers. Joshua has two awesome big brothers and a family that spoils him. That's what he gets for being the baby. To think that his birth could have killed me between the high blood pressures ( preeclampsia) and low blood pressures ( severe hemorrhaging) and not to mention the 2 weeks the poor guy spent in the NICU since he was a 5 week early preemie that was born at less than 5 pounds. Now he is over 20 pounds and healthy as can be. :) Happy birthday, baby boy!

Immaturity

My favorite way to deal with unpleasant situations is avoidance. I don't deal with overwhelming stress in a mature or professional manner. Thankfully, due to avoidance , that doesn't happen often. Though, the other day it happened. I threatened to quit and, maybe to keep me on staff, my boss let me have my way. Unfortunately, by doing that, a good friend was punished for my misbehavior. Now my heart hurts because of what I did to a good friend. A friend so upset I thought he might even cry in anger and frustration because of the entire situation. I may have lost a friend because I can't control my anger at times. I am not happy with myself and am not sure how to fix the mess I made.

Misophonia, a strange afflicton

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia

I only learned about this condition tonight. My husband reminded me tonight about my extreme aversion to lots of sounds. I only thought it was a couple but he reminded me that there are several.
* rubbing of anything on Styrofoam
* the clacking of fast typing on a keyboard ( I purposely type softly ad slowly because of this)
* the pouring of water ( like the pouring of a liquid from a pitcher into a glass, not faucets or waterfalls)
* and to a lesser extent crinkling of potato chip bags in a very quiet room.

These sounds make me angry and my skin crawls. I feel like I want to punch the walls and pull off my flesh. It's like a full body feeling of hatred.
Weird. I'm very weird.

platonicity

http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home   This is quite unique and interesting. I was discussing it the other day with a guy I work with.
I work nights, which means a lot of paperwork at the desk most nights. My closest coworker is a guy. We talk about the craziest stuff. Legalizing weed, regulated prostitution, sex stories and the aforementioned Wall of Vagina. Drunk stories and politics, all kinds of stuff.
If he was a girl, we would totally hang out.
But since he is not, we never would. I assure you there is nothing inappropriate going on here. Not in any way. But first of all, I would not think it would be acceptable to hang out with a heterosexual male friend. Second, it might just give the heterosexual male friend the wrong idea. I mean he is still a guy.
Just clearing that up for you all.

Sometimes life is a struggle.

There are days when I hate myself, everything about me. The way I look and everything I do. I look in the mirror and want to scratch my face off because I am so ugly. I am convinced that I am a loser and the worst parent in the world. On these days life is a challenge, I don't want to shower or brush my hair. I want to lay in bed and make it all go away. Usually these moments pass in a day. But in the meantime I am pretty darn useless.
Now, I have never been formally diagnosed as bipolar, but I think I might be. Prior to taking my Cymbalta, my mood were all over the place, up and down and all around. Happy and sad and everywhere in between. Now I am more on an even keel, though I still have ups and downs there aren't so common or drastic.

Thankfully, I am myself again today. At least if my moods run more manic I could get some stuff done around here!
I wish I was normal.

Tis the effin' season

Yet again, here we are, Christmas is upon us. I see s many commercials and ads for a plethora of items I know my family would love. But I never have any money to purchase them. It's been years since I went Christmas shopping. We end up splurging and getting the boys one nice gift and them get Toys for Tots for the rest. They are usually very nice gifts as well. That's life, I suppose. We do what we can.
But I always, always make sure we participate in the different Christmas activities around town. I drag them to the Christmas parade, the Festival of Lights at Fisherman's Village, we always go on the Christmas light cruise in Punta Gorda. And of course any school activities .I still would like to take them to the Lights in Bloom at the botanical gardens, which we may still do after the holiday.

So there you go, I drag them to Christmas festivities instead of buying lots of gifts. I like to think that quality time is more important than any gift anyway.
But it sure would be fun to do some shopping!

OCD the true story

Sometimes I hear people joke about having OCD related to some random stupid thing, "I always lock my car twice, I guess I am so OCD haha!" or " I always wipe my shoes on the mat when I enter a house, I'm so OCD!"

Hmm, not so much. If it was only so mild and pleasant and humorous. I wish.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by anxiety regarding tidiness and cleanliness. Nothing ,including my body, is clean enough. I am merely disgusted y myself and my surroundings. I feel like I could scratch my skin and pull at my hair to act out the hatred I possess for myself and my all around me. I don't want to be touched unless I know you just climbed out of a good bath.
Oddly enough, any baby aged child of mine is exempt. Can't explain that one.

I can't stand feeling this way. Often I wonder the bliss of being a slob with no order or organization to run my life.

When I go to work, no matter how busy it is, I have to clean and tidy up the nurses station. A place for everything and everything in it's place. I cannot concentrate in a cluttered mess.
 I have one patient that I am convinced must have been a former hoarder. I can picture her small dwelling full of cheap knick-knacks and garage sale junk. Probably cats and items from a flea market sale, piled up next to half-empty bowls of nastiness and cups of cold coffee. I can't stand her room, to enter it simply makes me cringe.
I miss having my own car since I always kept it clean. My lovely husband tends to leave trash in our van and shirts and sweaters and receipts on the passenger seat.
I love my kids but they always wipe their hands n their clothing of even the furniture. By now I wish I could get a new couch every month, nice and clean and unstained.

When I was a child I had an obsession with numbers. Everything had to be 4. Or multiples of 4, but preferably 4. Because it was even. If you put 4 on a see saw you would have 2 on each side and it would balance, you see. I had to turn light on and off 4 times. Among numerous other things. I thought I would have some kind of "bad luck" if I did not.

I started taking antidepressants when I was twenty for severe depression. I have battled it for most of my adult life. That and my anxiety. My horrible anxiety. I really wonder what it would be like to be normal but am aware that I may never know. I feel guilty sometimes for having children as I am afraid it may be a genetic condition. Both of my parents had experienced anxiety and depression at times in their life. As does my brother.
I can't believe my poor kids have me to be their mom. Fortunately the bad days are relatively rare.

I suppose I should just try my best and see where it gets me. Who knows?

#Separate Lives

What is with all the hash tags? I think it's a Twitter thing but I see a lot of them on Facebook as well. Little annoying in my opinion.

In any case, I feel like David and I are ships passing in the day. He watches Joshua while I sleep and wakes me when he goes to work. This weekend we have 2 whole days off together. I really love that man. And no matter what we may or may not be able to afford in life he helped me have the best gifts ever. Boy 1, boy 2 and boy 3. Otherwise known as Seth, Sean and Joshua.

I love my kiddos more than anything. I know people who more of less dislike or possibly hate their kids and I may never understand. Do my kids ever get on my nerves? Do I ever go to the bathroom to get some quiet? Of course. I'm only a human, after all. But hugs and smiles from my boys makes me always feel a bit better.

Recently I found out that a previous occupant of my house was a horrible man and his wife who hated his son so much they would lock him in his room and feed him one peanut butter sandwich a day- slid under the door. Of course, leaving the boy no choice but to urinate and defecate in his room. He had no rug in his room. Only a mattress on the floor. No toys. No books.
That room now houses my two boys. And haunts me.

It happened 3 years ago. That year I did an agency shift at the behavioral center and took care of that boy earlier in the year prior to all this stuff being found out. His family complained about his horrible behavior and his urinating and such all over his room. they conveniently left out the part where he was locked in said room leaving him no choice. So anyway, they brought him to the behavioral center, where it was common knowledge among the staff that his parents disliked him. Especially his stepmom. Turns out the boys was not incontinent ever while he was there, and well behaved, polite and sweet. He enjoyed playing ball in the hallway with another kid that was there at the same time. Adorable boy.
I wished I could adopt him, I seriously did! I thought he would be a great big brother to my boys. Anyway he ended up being sent back with his family which very nearly starved him to death 4 months later. It bothers me that the behavioral center had a chance to intervene and remove him from that home but did not.

In any case, I am haunted everyday as to what that poor boy went through in this house. All those days alone, hungry, sad, and scared. I wish I could have saved him.

But at least I can always make sure that my boys never, ever have to feel that way.

Sometimes I miss the day

I loved kayaking, I still do, and probably would more often if I had an easier way to transport my kayak. I have to shove it in the back of the van and bungee the hatch closed. Obviously I cannot drive very far. I have tried getting it on top of the van and failed miserably.
I could rent one at any number of places but money is never plentiful in my life. So driving very far isn't a great idea either. And I would have to have someone watch Joshua since I can't figure out how to kayak with a baby.

In all I miss exploring the local canals and wading on the beach and enjoying the lovely sounds of water nature. Unfortunately I have had some unexplained pain in my left wrist as well. Until I get that fixed I have to limit excessive use of it.

Lately I have been taking long morning walks with Joshua and, in addition to the exercise, I have been enjoying the nature in my neighborhood. Lots of trees and birds, so I am making an effort to get out.
Even so I miss getting out on the water. I hope to soon enough.

some thoughts...

As a bit of a rebel, I refuse to believe everything that I have been told. Maybe it's because for many years I was the gullible one people played tricks on since I was so trusting of others. But no more. I like to get the facts for myself. Anyway, I have grown up as a casually Christian girl. Never really attended church. But it's seems that the more I learn about Christianity, I realize that women are not very respected. I just cannot get on board with that type of thinking. Do I think Jesus respected women. I think so. He was kind and respectful to all, man or woman, rich or poor. I think God loves all. That being said, somehow many Christian churches have become very judgemental. Some people that should be the most representative of Christianity don't act like it so much. They like to talk about being blessed and quote scriptures and judge others by whether they are Christian. I'd rather base an opinion of a person by their actions. You can act Christian and not even be one. And many Christians don't act like it at all.
Kindness and love can be felt by anyone in any religion.

I would like to know a religion or church that respects and values women and men equally as humans. I could totally get on board with that. But no church that considers me a second class citizen is one I want to be part of.

Crazy Political Weirdos

One day I worked an agency shift for a Hospice case. I was scheduled alongside a crazy-as-a-loon nurse that babbled about politics all day. Now I did not pay too much attention to political issues. It's my opinion that politicians are some of the most crooked people on Earth, next to used car salesmen. Pretty sad that they are making the laws. But what can I do? nothing which is why I don't pay too much attention. It only angers me. Anyway Crazy Nurse carried on all shift about how I should pay attention to politics or I will be sorry. I should hoard my guns and ammo for when Obama makes us all become Muslim and have to wear Burkas or some crap. And ,of course, she gets all the most current news from Facebook before the news even gets the story, (seriously, Crazy Nurse?)
She even told a lady visiting the dying guy ( why was she discussing politics with a lady grieving for a dying friend?) that people who don't make themselves aware of politics ( me, sitting right there) are going to be sorry! I was happy to get away from Crazy Nurse at the end of the shift.

Now, my sister and mom are intensely political and very enthusiastic in their opinions. Again they believe that it is SO important to be informed. So I made myself get informed. And guess what, hmm, I find that my political opinions put me on the exact opposite side of the political spectrum from my sister and mom. So they still are irritated. Sigh, Make yourself informed but only if you agree with me?

My beliefs put me in the less popular progressive, liberal category. I believe in rights to make choices, taking care of our own and acceptance. I am actually interested in political issues going on these days. but I rarely discuss them since it seems most people are more conservative. I don't want to argue politics , actually I dislike arguing at all.

I am not sure , honestly, why there are so many judgmental people around, doesn't it feel better to be kind to others?

Living the Night shift

I love working nights. I have some awesome coworkers, besides I can avoid all the many bosses and craziness that occur in the day. Downside, I am always tired. I fell like I could sleep for 24 hours straight. Unfortunately, I am always awakened several times while I attempt to sleep in the day. I guess it's quite obvious what is on my mind right now. Sigh..

Hello Beautiful People, and the Crazy Story of Preeclampsia

I'm fairly certain that nobody reads this, I am also fairly certain that someone has spilled something on my keyboard at sometime and I have some annoying sticky keys. Moving on..

At some point David and I had decided on having on last kid. We hoped to have a daughter, at least David did. It took 8 very long months of counting cycle days and ovulation tests and planned days of lovin' for the only purpose of conception. I was reading to give up and call it a frickin' day when I finally became pregnant in June 2012. Apparently since I was 35 I had to see a specialist, which was nice because I received lots of ultrasounds. Which also informed us that we were having another ,yay!, boy. David was rather sad and for the remainder of the pregnancy was quite sadly disconnected from it. Little depressing. The pregnancy was hard on me and I slept ALOT. By late January I was told that my blood pressure was quite elevated, and didn't go down with regular interventions. Lab tests showed preeclampsia. I was ordered on bed rest to keep my blood pressure down. Seriously, nothing makes me want to do stuff than being told to do nothing. Boring!!!! And sad. I had to have regular non stress tests where they listen to baby heart beat over a determined period. Thankfully all was wonderful with baby. I was the one at risk. They hoped to keep me on bed rest until my early March due date. Unfortunately I began having severe headaches at night from blood pressure spikes. After a few days of intolerable pain I was admitted to the hospital for them to try to get the blood pressures down and ease my headaches somehow. No such luck. I was induced on February 12, 2013, 5 weeks early. The epidural eased my pain and headache like a wonderful godsend. Though they had to give me something to bring my blood pressure up since the epidural made it drop too low, go figure. I didn't ever realize that baby Joshua was crowning.

He was born in the late morning, just a wee thing under 5 pounds. I got to kiss him quickly prior to being whisked away to the NICU. Because at that time I was apparently bleeding out all my blood. My BP got as low as 70/40 and I wondered if I might die. I remember being so sleepy, sleepier than I ever had been. It took all I had to force myself to stay awake. David was next to me looking a bit scared, I learned later that he called my sister crying that he thought he was going to lose me. Anyway, for what seemed like a very long time there were lots of nurses and the Dr. in the room doing a lot of massaging of my abdomen to help stop bleeding. The Dr. even placed her entire hand into my uterus to ensure there were no more placenta parts in there .
Fortunately I did not end up requiring a blood transfusion but was quite weak and tired for a few days afterward. I didn't get to see Joshua again until the next day. He looked so tiny and helpless hooked up to so many tubes and monitors, I cried feeling like it was all my fault. While all the other post partum moms had their crying infants with them I was all alone. I felt like I had been through the wringer and had nothing to show for it. The Dr. let me go home after a few days so I could be with my family and not sad at the hospital.
Joshua remained there for 2 weeks, he was a sleepy boy and didn't want to stay awake to eat so they had to place a tube in his nose down to his stomach so they could get the food in him. It was a depressing couple weeks. Then, of course, one day before he was due to be discharged I ended up in the emergency dept. with severe vertigo/ nausea and vomiting. Sometimes, you just get kicked when your down, you know? They fixed me up and Joshua as well and he was able to come home in late February. Home to his family where he belongs. :)

Meet joshua

Hello Joshua Henry Dreyer!
A lot changes in an entire year! New kid, new house..all new. Shoot it's hard to type and feed a baby a bottle at the same time!

Well, I guess cars only last so long..

This is the new Dreyer-mobile. Not brand new. It is 10 years old.. and it needs some new brakes..and the driver's side and passenger side windows don't go down. But for the most part it's super nice. Apparently some disgusting slobs had it last so we had to do some cleaning but it's spotless now.  It's nice and roomy and thwe boys love it.

Unfortunately the other car had some head gasket issues thatwas going to be expensive to repair..so we figured it wasn't even worth it. So we traded it and gave them $700 (borrowed from David's mom) to put down payment on this van.

I like it.

Happy new year!

I guess after living 34 years another year is just that..another year. No big. I don't have any resolutions. I don't plan on making any life changes. I guess I could lose a couple pounds, but that could happen in March or August. Whatever.
Working nights have me tired and my body confused. I slept all day but I am still tired. And my growing butt is completely due to working nights. I spend my nights doing more paperwork and charting than actual patient care. therefore I am exerting less energy and burning less calories. Not good. I want to push away from the table before it gets out of control and I become a big blob rolling and slithering through the hallways. Not to mention, it occurred to me I would have to buy new clothing and I just don't have the funds to purchase a new wardrobe at this point.

I went to my Dr. and told him my Cymbalta was working out for me. Since I don't yet have insurance he gave me 2 months of samples. How cool!. I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy. Some people, even Drs. have a a good decent heart and empathize with their patients. I know most Drs. are supposed to but it is not always the case.

Wow, I am so tired.