Josh and the mean kids.

 Josh said that there have been kids talking on the bus. " I heard that your sister is really a BOY!" and Josh said " Yes, she is trans, she was born a boy but now she's a girl." 

Simple as that. Why do some people in society think that kids will be so confused if they know that gay people and trans people exist? The kids get it. The kids don't have outdated prejudicial views that cause them to hate things that they don't understand. Kids are smarter than you think. The more you shield them from the real world the more uncomfortable they will be when they reach adulthood and are suddenly exposed to all these things they don't understand. Teach love, not hate.

Today Sean asked Jackie if she liked eggnog and she said no and he joked, " That's probably why you're gay." I laughed. I admit it. 

So that's how you can tell. If you don't like eggnog you are gay. I guess I'm gay.

Grateful

 At my job they are doing this four day work week things to attract staff. When we are fully staffed in my department then we will transition to four day work weeks and get paid for five. Good deal, eh? I doubt that nursing will ever be fully staffed. I don't thing any health care facility is ever fully staff. But even so, I get paid six days for working five so I can't complain at all. 

I'm so happy to be financially comfortable. I waited so long to be where I am right now. I think about all those years when we didn't know how we were going to pay the bills. Waiting for evictions, living in hotel rooms, going without phone service until pay day, sitting outside fast food places or convenient stores in my car so I could use the wi fi. 

There was a hair salon and a realtor that were located across the street in our backyard in Englewood. They faced the highway but the back of the building faced our backyard you see. So if you were on the side of the shop you could connect to their free wifi. Jackie and Sean would sit back there and download free games on their devices. Sometimes I would stand there to send messages. When I would get tips I would go to the "dollar dollar" store and buy one dollar food items for the kids to snack on. 20 bucks meant 20 items and no tax on food. 

I pawned my wedding ring to pay bills. Usually we bought it back but eventually we couldn't. So my wedding ring is gone. That is one regret of mine. I pawned any gold I had long ago. I had saved a quarter that had the year 1977 on it in my jewelry box for years and years. I had no real reason but I thought it was neat. Well, I had to spend that also. Everything we ever had was gone. 

Sometimes I would steal small items from work like a roll of toilet paper or something to stick in my bag when we couldn't afford any. David would bring home furniture that had been thrown in the garbage from residents that moved out or passed away from his job at the assisted living facility. That was the only way we furnished our house after we lost everything after our previous eviction. 

So many years we relied on Toys for Tots so the kids could have Christmas gifts. The kiddos were always a bit disappointed that they didn't receive anything they actually wanted but we didn't have any other option. Christmas is a sad and depressing time when you are poor. You want to give your kids the best but when you live paycheck to paycheck you don't have any extra money for that stuff. You have to pay bills and buy food. Poor people usually have poor credit and no credit cards. We haven't had credit cards in more years than I can count. Only in the last couple years we have been able to work on improving our credit.

Last year we received the child tax credit from the government to help us at Christmastime. I wish they were able to extend that but senate voted against it. I wish they could spend a day in the life of an actual poor person so they could understand how much that extra money helps. They don't know what it's like. In any case don't get me started on that.

Due to my four day work week pay and David's full time job, we actually can afford gifts this year! I got so many great things for everybody. I'm actually happy. I feel grateful for everything that we have. I'm just so happy to have a house and food and bills that are paid. I don't go hungry and neither do my kids. We all have nice clean clothes. We live well. I suppose I can't go bragging to people but it's just that everything has been so uncertain for a very long time. I can't remember a time when I could go grocery shopping without having to check the bank balance first. It' such a freeing feeling. 

Do I deserve this life? No, I don't think I do. I feel very lucky I'm here. I'm so grateful every day.

Never forget the friends you made at rock bottom.

 I don't have any friends in New Hampshire. Well, actually one. My friend Heather that I work with. She's just the best. But we don't hang out or anything. We both have jobs and kids and lives, etc. But she also knows about my life and what I've been through and she still accepts me. 

You spend time with different people depending on what your income level is. Don't even lie and tell me that isn't true. While I was a nurse I had other nurse friends or people with similar professional careers. That was fine then because that was me. 

But after my arrest and my time in my drug program I was working in housekeeping and at restaurants. And during that time I found friends that worked in similar low wage fields. They knew my struggles and they were like me. Poor people hang with other poors. We struggled together. We were all on food stamps and shopped at the dollar store.  Some had addiction issues like myself and some had multiple past arrests, some were felons. We all struggled paycheck to paycheck and we drove old broken down cars. We weren't trying to outdo or impress each other. We didn't hang out with people in higher income levels because those people either feel sorry for people like us or didn't want to be associated with people like that. 

But the friends I made while I was at the bottom were the most genuine, kind and selfless people you would ever meet. They accepted me with my addictions and my legal troubles. They didn't look down on me. And I felt more comfortable with them. You see, poor people will give you a ride for free or give you their last couple bucks if you need it because we have all been there together. They know what it's like to have nothing and struggle every day. And I don't know the rates of drug and alcohol use based on income levels but there is quite a bit at the bottom. I won't lie. When you have nothing, you are desperate to feel okay for just a precious little while until the effects wear off. Many times they might suffer from untreated mental health issues because they can't afford good insurance, only Medicaid. And it isn't necessarily easy to find a Dr. who takes it. So you treat your own mental illness with the drugs and alcohol. 

People who have money like to say " Money doesn't buy happiness.". But money allows you to live more comfortable and a little easier. I'd rather be miserable with money honestly. At least I know I won't have to live in a hotel room with my entire family. 

I'm back to my career I'm educated for and, unlike most of the people I knew back then, I've improved my financial situation significantly. I've tripled my income and I'm comfortable now. Thankfully I had the foresight to get an education in my young years, that's the only thing that saved me. But many people can't just do that. They can't afford school or they don't have time because they have to work to live, or they have legal issues in their past that prevent being able to get in some fields. I consider myself lucky. But I'm no better than anyone. I know if many of my current coworkers knew about my past that they would judge me. 

Growing up, my family taught me that the poor people were lazy and looking to live off the government. I assumed it must be true. But the first time I had to apply for food stamps I realized that was all lies taught to middle class and rich people so they would vote against social assistance programs for the lower class. It's possible to work two minimum wage jobs and still qualify for food stamps. That's not the fault of poor people. That's the fault of corporations thinking a certain portion of the population deserves to be poor for no reason, while big CEOs make multiple millions of dollars yearly. 

Americans hate poor people for some reason. They don't want to help them or see them or want them to live healthy full lives. They want them to suffer for nothing. Many people are born into poverty and they can't escape. It's hard to move up when you grew up a certain way and you don't have the support or the money to improve your situation. So you just continue the life that your parents and your grandparents lived before you, working your fingers to the bone to barely scrape by. Don't even get me started on how abortion bans will continue to keep poor people poor without any hope of escape.

I won't forget who gave me kindness when I needed it most. I won't forget the people that I met and stood by me when I was at the bottom. I won't forget the friends I made in my darkest days. I won't forget when I have been. It's a part of me now. I lived that life and I made it through. But not everyone does. 

Philip again and my dream.

 Last night I had the most bizarre dream. It seemed so real. I woke up to go to the bathroom in my dream and while walking through the house my foot got caught in a strand of the Christmas lights that were hung throughout the house. So I fell down and David comes out of the bedroom with some scissors to cut off the strand of lights. Then I started walking into the kitchen and saw a bunch of empty boxes piled up and I moved them out of the way and they fell down and then David comes in yelling that I knocked down his tissue box and he picks up this long flat metal thing with a sharp flat edge and begins to try SCRAPING THE SKIN OFF MY BODY!I started yelling and then I woke up. 

Who knows what that's all about. 

Philip's birthday was the other day so I've been thinking about him a bit. It's just so SAD. He had absolutely nothing to ever offer me but I thought he was great because he was freaking NICE to me. That's all I want is someone to be nice to me. 

I'm tired of being worried all the time that I am going to make someone mad. For a few years I was like, fuck it. All that time with the Tinder guys was simply so I could feel what it was like to have a man treat me nicely, even if it was only for sex. I didn't care. I've had anger directed at me for 20 years. I can't do anything right. Even when I do something right, it's wrong. 

You don't know what kind of life that is!! It makes you a little crazy. And it's awful because you feel trapped. Is it so hard to be nice to someone you supposedly love? And when someone is mad at you for 20 years you try so hard not to upset them until you just say, I give up. Because no matter what you do the anger is still there. But it's hard to love someone that clearly hates you. 

But if I speak up for myself then I get the car taken away or my social media accounts get their password changed so I can't access them. And he says Divorce me then! But I don't have a car. So here I am. Slowly going crazy thanking the gods above for my wonderful children because they are kind and loving to me. I feel like I deserved better in my life. But it's too late now.

Jason

 Jason is the only guy I met while I've been in New Hampshire. This was only a few months after I moved and I was in a dark and depressed and miserable place. And I wanted to see if I could duplicate my Florida success up here in New Hampshire. I matched with Jason on Tinder, like usual. He was about an hour away. He was going to drive here and I met him at this woodsy area by the water that David had brought me to when he went fishing a couple times. I really didn't know anywhere else to go. So it was the middle of the day so we couldn't do it in the car on the road, so Jason parked my car down a slope so it was hidden in the trees. I was super nervous with Jason. 

Jason was a little heavier than I generally prefer. And he had the long beard that seems to be popular in New Hampshire. Personally I am not a fan but here we were. He was super nice and we got along great. Super sweet, and apparently he'd made his way through his small town an hour away. We talked about kissing for awhile before we actually did. I couldn't get my shit together. We had sex in my backseat parked in the trees. But little did I know that it was a common area for swimming in the summer time. A lady and a couple kids walked by us as we sat in the backseat. ( After we had finished) so that was incredibly awkward and strange. 

I knew I wouldn't be able to get my car out of the trees so thankfully Jason backed it out onto the road for me. We said our goodbyes and we had hoped to meet again but David checked my phone messages and found something that Jason had said to me and the secret was out. Lots of fighting and arguing that night. 

I haven't met up with anyone else since then. That's the last one. But I hope it's not the last one forever cause I don't feel like I'm completely done yet. I don't feel quite as old as I am. 

addendum: We chatted for a little while afterward and we had hoped to meet again but David found out and blocked him. So, obviously I will never hear from him again. 

Nick C.

 I went over to the old house to sort through stuff the next evening after Kyle came over and that night Nick came by. I had been talking to Nick for awhile also and he wanted to see me before I left also. Nick was in his early 20s. dark hair, clean shaven. Thin build. Super, freakin' adorable. Sweet guy. We did our little chatting beforehand and I was stupid and giggly. Decent kisser. But poor Nick was awful in the sack. His rhythm was all uncoordinated with me and he was doing the jack rabbit sex that you would ordinarily find in 16 year old boys( trust me I haven't been with a 16 year old boy since I was 15, but I remember all too well.) OMG Nick was just such a mess. I tried to climb on top and he just couldn't figure out how to get it going correctly. Afterward I just couldn't keep my hands off him cause he was just so damn cute. Such a great, sweet guy. I decided that I needed to teach him how to fuck properly. Somebody is not going to be as nice as I am about it and he would have to learn eventually. 

Addendum: I still talk to Nick on my Snapchat regularly as well. Just like Kyle, he is hoping that I come back for a visit. Nick even offered to fly up here one time last year when flight rates were good. He' gone through a couple girlfriends. One was a really short relationship and they only had sex a couple times. I'm willing to bet she was into him until she found out how bad he was in bed. I tried to broach the subject with him once but chickened out. But, seriously, he's such a good guy I want him to know better and do better so he can wow a nice girl. I still send him pictures from time to time. He always refers to me as "babe" and I like it. 

Kyle

 I was committed to Wayne for a good year. I was in love. Oh geez. I am the worst.

Anyway prior to moving to New Hampshire we were staying at a house owned by The Lighthouse Grill for a couple weeks. Thanks to my manager when I told him we were being evicted and our new living situation fell through since we couldn't pass a background check. There was no longer water at the old house and we were trying to pack up what we could to take with us when we moved. We had to let go of a lot of stuff. All our beds and couches and bookshelves and kitchen stuff. Everything. After work I would go over there and sort out what was garbage and what was not.

Well, I though of something. There were a couple people that had been wanting to see me for awhile and our schedules never really meshed so I figured this is my last opportunity before I leave the state for good. I contacted Kyle and he came over one evening while I was over at the old house sorting through stuff. I had been talking to him for awhile. He had visited Florida when we matched on Tinder and he was living in Ohio. Then he went back to Ohio for awhile and then moved to Florida permanently once he had a job in place. He was some type of engineer. I told him I was getting ready to leave Florida and he wanted to make sure to see me before I left. 

He looked better that he did in pictures. Though he looked good in pics also. I noticed that often. People always seem to look better in real life. I always was pleasantly surprised by that. We chatted for a little bit as I was super nervous. It had been over a year since I met up with someone and I was out of practice I guess. I was my usual nervous giggly self but he was nervous too. Eventually we got it together and had a very nice time. He was quite good and I was very glad we finally got together. He had hoped to have a recurring thing but since I was leaving that was not to be. At that time I was thinking about coming back in the fall and he hoped that I would. But that didn't end up happening. 

Addendum: I still talk to Kyle regularly on Snapchat. It's been three years and he's still holding out that I will come back for a visit. Honestly I do want to visit my friend, Jen and also say goodbye at my grandma's grave but I know David would never let me go to Florida alone. There are too many people there that want to see me. I've had offers from people to fly me down there for a night, and for others to fly up here for a night. Now, seriously, I don't think I'm worth all that money or trouble. Kyle is a good looking and successful man so I have no clue why he's still a single guy. Maybe he just has a thing for older married redheads. In any case, I send him pics regularly. And he sends me messages like every other day. He's actually super into me.  It's actually really flattering. Kyle is a good guy. 

Mamaw and my dream

 So Mamaw died the other night. I won't say how I know, but know this, nobody in my family informed me of her death and here it is, three days later and still no one has told me. 

I'm learning a lot about my family. No matter how much they hate me and no matter how much they have written me off, they could have sent a brief message that she died. But I can hear my dad with that dismissive tone of voice that he uses when he's angry, " Forget Jennie, where has she been all this time?" 

I've been living every day. Working and supporting my family. I've come up from my lowest in the last three years all by myself. With no help or encouragement from them. It's true that you realize who is real when you reach rock bottom. I had some good friends by my side. But my family was nowhere. My dad let us live there for 6 months and let us know often that he didn't like us there. That was about the most tense 6 months of my life. I could finally breathe again when he kicked us out. Just as well, the motel had a nice pool. 

I had a dream about my Mamaw yesterday. Her and Josh and I were spending the day together. Joshua was a baby but he could talk like an older kid for some reason. I remember that we were riding in a truck of some sort and there were booths and tables like in a restaurant but then they disappeared. All the sudden everybody was standing in this truck and there were no seats. So I was holding baby Joshua and Mamaw and I were sitting on the floor. We were going to her job which was an office of some sort and she had a very higher up position.

Once we got there she disappeared. It was just Joshua and myself and at the office they told me that she wasn't there but she called there to speak to me. She said she couldn't come up to the office because she was dying. I said, "No way, you are fine, we will just see you tomorrow instead!" She insisted, " No, I really am dying, Jennie" I kept arguing with her  that she was being dramatic and that we will see her in the morning. She said " I have to go but I love you, muah, muah." 

And then I went to look out the window of the office building and I opened my eyes and I was staring at my bureau next to my bed. And my dream was over. 

My Mamaw was 95 when she died on July 31. She has been in a nursing home for a number of years because she had dementia for maybe 10-12 years maybe? 

She lived in her own home when Josh was born because I remember bringing him to see her and she would rock him and rock him, just like she did when Sean and Jackie were babies. Oh, she just loved rocking the babies! When Josh was a tiny toddler I remember bringing him to her assisted living facility to visit her. I would show her were I worked, I would point to the nursing home where I worked. I could see it from her window. And then she would walk us down stairs to the car. Every time I went to visit her at her house she would do that also. She would stand out front until I was out of site before she went back in. She would wave and say " Love you!" Oh she just loved my kiddos. I wish I could go back to those days one more time and sit on the couch and talk with her while she rocked in her chair and watched her game shows. When the kids were babies I would put a blanket on the floor in her living room and just let them play. When Jackie was a baby we used to go to the mall all the time. We would do our mall walk and then get something to eat in the food court.

I remember going to the mall and wandering through and I always had to go to Sears to see if Mamaw was working so she could see my kids. She loved them so much. 

I wanted to go see her when she was at the nursing home but nobody could ever seem to remember the name of the place. I don't know if it was just awful memory on their part or did they not want me to see her for some reason? 

When she had falls I would always go see her in the hospital. She even was at my nursing home for a while when I was pregnant with Joshua. I worked nights but every single morning I would go visit her room before I went home. By that time she was losing her memory and I would answer the same questions over and over. I would talk with her roommates a bit. She had a couple different roommates while she was there and they knew that she had memory problems and they would look out for her and make sure she got what she needed. I am forever grateful for those couple ladies that did that. 

I remember that I made some nice pictures of my kids and I put their names on the frame so she could remember their names. I also remember that someone, I suspect my aunt, took those pictures and put them in Mamaws drawer out of sight and put pictures of my cousin's kids up. When I found those pictures I reclaimed them. No sense in putting them back up to be removed again. Some of the most devout Christians have evil in their heart, I'm serious. 

But not Mamaw, she was a good person and she loved everyone in her family. Were there some that she liked more than others? Yes, I know because she told me so. She told me a lot about people over the years. Mamaw and I talked a lot. From when I would visit in high school, to when I lived with her for 3 years, to bringing the kids to see her. I spent so much time with her and I know how much she loved me. 

So to all that didn't bother to tell me she was gone. Go have the day you deserve. Now that Mamaw is gone I have no need for any of y'all. I'm done with the lot of you and you have proven that you are absolutely the worst people. I may not be a perfect person but my heart has love in it instead of hate. 

I know how some of you took advantage of her, having her sign for car loans after she developed dementia. Or the ones that took that antique table that she had received from her friend Bliss. You took antiques and treasured items out of her house while Mamaw was still living there! Just greedy awful people, how could you? If there is an afterlife I hope she sees who you all really are. 

Goddammit Jacob

Back in February I had made a Tinder account. One that David found and ended up deleted but as a result of that I did end up with a couple new people to talk to. David blocked them but I unblocked them but didn't really say much. Anyway a couple weeks after Philip died I was feeling so lost and desperate for a distraction I started talking to one of the guys again. We would send Snapchat messages to each other all day, beginning with Good morning and ending with good night. I didn't expect it to go anywhere, I just liked having someone to talk to and keep my mind occupied, He was nice and looked good so t was fun. He was 23 and living at a sober house 30 minutes away and he said he didn't know a lot of people in that town. I don't know a lot of people up here either so it was nice to have another friend.

He said nice things about how much he liked me and enjoyed talking to me and that I was beautiful and he would say he missed me and he was eager for me to respond to his messages while I was sleeping in the day time. I started to really like him too. 

He wanted to hang out or whatever and I was in his town on a Thursday and he wanted me to come by but David knew where  I was and I couldn't make it. So we planned for Saturday morning. I downloaded a GPS spoofer for my phone so I could throw off my signal and claim that I had to work late that day. We were all excited to meet. Then David looked at my messages one morning and he found out and was angry. He talked to Jacob and threatened him and stuff. It was a big thing. Jacob tried to send me a message on messenger since my Snapchat wasn't working. I argued with David and tried to get legitimate permission to meet my friend. And I got my permission. We decided on Wednesday because he was supposed to go into jail on Thursday for 20 days.

But after the weekend Jacob just wasn't the same. He was nice enough and we would message each day but he wasn't saying all the sweet messages anyone. He became more distant and less responsive. And I thought as Wednesday arrived that he would be more excited but he wasn't. He was kinda "meh" about everything. In my experience guys are a bit more excited about that sort of thing. 

I asked if David had ruined us and he said no. And he claimed that he didn't talk a lot unless he really knows someone so I kept trying to get him to talk.  I kept asking him why he had changed and he said he didn't. But I noticed it. 

On Wednesday I woke up early and I started messaging him to make plans. But he just wasn't as responsive and he didn't seem to care if I came over or not. It also turns out he was drinking all day since it was his last day before jail. I told him I was uncomfortable about the drinking but ultimately I agreed to go.I had a tough time getting a hold of him to make the plans. And his answers became very brief and vague. He also mentioned that he thought we were more exciting thinking about me cheating and after David found out it wasn't as fun. It's like he turned into an entire different person in a day.

He still never looked at the last message I sent him. I mean I could have said "I'm on my way now!" and he never looked at it!

I'm just so baffled that a person can change in a day like that. Was it the drinking that changed him? The thought about going into jail? Was he just lying and playing with my head for a month? Was he ever really my friend?  I just wish I knew the answers. I feel foolish. And hurt. And the rejection hurts. 

Addendum: 8-11-22

As soon as Jacob got out of jail guess what he did. Message me. So Jacob and I snapped back and forth for awhile. I really wanted to go meet him but David was adamant that I couldn't. He called him a homewrecker or some nonsense. Big words considering I never even had sex with the guy. Anyway, I feel like Jacob and I got bored of each other. I mean, sex was the intent the entire time and since we couldn't meet, it was pointless to continue talking. And I tried to think of any way possible that I could get over there to do this guy. But I couldn't think of a solid plan that David wouldn't figure out. David is my #1 cock blocker. David was all like, "if you meet him I'll make sure he goes back to jail". I wish he'd calm down a little. Such is life. David said I could go meet a different guy named Hunter. A little further of a drive but he's got the green light from David so I am hoping to make that happen soon. 

Kinda depressed

 So many dumb things are happening in the world..and my world that I am just miserable. 

1. Philip died. So I was upset about that and still am but coming to terms with it and trying to figure out why I was so lost for a little bit. These things aren't supposed to happen in my life. I'm used to getting what I want and I almost did but it was a little too late. He broke my heart when he died. Maybe nobody else will like me like that ever again. 

2. Overturning Roe vs. Wade. Leaked draft from a Supreme Court judge states that this will be happening. I feel strongly that women should have the rights to their own body and that they shouldn't be forced to have children they don't want. That will lead to more poor families stuck in poverty and potentially more abused babies and children. Women's health care should be between themselves and their doctor. No government should be involved in a woman's personal choices for her own body! Thankfully, I am beyond the point where I would ever need this care but I am in a state with reasonable laws allowing abortion to weeks. But many states are going to ban the procedure altogether. Religion should not influence laws and that is exactly what is happening throughout this country and it's entirely upsetting.

3. COVID -I got COVID and had to take a week off of work. Thankfully, I had mostly mild symptoms but I am still feeling a little short of breath if I overdo things. That kinda sucked. 

4. While I was on my COVID vacation a school was shot up in Texas causing  deaths of mostly little kids. It sickens me and upsets me that this is allowed to happen time and time again but no Republican politicians will agree to any common sense gun laws. So let's just allow this to happen over and over. Other countries think we are sick and they don't want to come here because it sounds like an unsafe place that people get shot at wherever they go. And they are right. Most people agree with some sort of gun laws whether it's not selling assault rifles to anyone under 21. Or even better not sell assault rifles anywhere. Who needs that shit? They clearly are only for killing large amount of people in a short time. I hate guns. I hate them so much and I hate this country for worrying about embryos but not caring about living children. Fuck this country. I know they will do NOTHING and this will keep happening over and over again.

If something good doesn't happen I will lose my shit. I just can't take any more awful things happening through the world. 

COVID and grieving

 So Jackie has COVID. She got lucky all this time but it finally caught up to her. 

Sigh. So last evening I wake up feeling shitty. Kinda dizzy and lightheaded and feeling like I needed to stretch but I couldn't stretch enough for it so be satisfying. Weird feeling, anyway. David says I look really pale and have I checked my temp. So I did and it was 101.2. Ugh I haven't had a fever in many, many years so I'm fairly sure I have COVID. I've escaped it's grasp all this time but it finally caught me. 

So I took some tylenol and went to bed. I am just so uncomfortable! I'm kinda dizzy, my head hurts, and I'm nauseated. My nose is slightly drippy and my body aches. It feels like a flu. But nevertheless I hate the flu. I'm freaking miserable. I really hope this shit doesn't kill me. I'll be so pissed!

Last couple days I haven't been crying. I think I'm coming to terms with Philip's death. I can read the messages now and they make me happy instead of sad. God, I miss him though. He was really a great guy. Just easygoing and kind and respectful. Well,  I just thought he was wonderful. I'm thankful for the messages I have . All the kind words. I didn't even know the guy liked me more than a friend, you know? It was surprising when he was talking about wanting me to move away with him. But I was happy, cause I always liked the guy. Maybe he was just appreciative that I had worried about him for those years. So obviously I cared for him. He made me happy and I hope I made him happy in those last days.

Why am I still so upset? He wasn't my boyfriend, or best friend, or my lover, He was a guy I had a crush on for 4 YEARS!!! I just wanted his attention. 

I keep convincing myself that I need to read between the lines. Maye what I saw in the messages weren't actually true. Perhaps he was looking for someone to support him. Maybe he didn't like me at all. Maybe he was sincere. I guess I'll never know, will I?

OK so I took a COVID test on Thursday and I was negative which was shocking because I felt so horrible. The infection control nurse at work told me to check myself again on Saturday because some people are developing symptoms prior to testing positive. So I stayed in bed for two days being miserable. Today I feel pretty good, I check myself and I am positive. Great. At least I have a decent amount of paid time to use for the days I am out. 

This shit better not kill me. I will be one pissed off em effer. I have too much left to do in this stupid life. 

Wayne and also Jen's qualities that she loves in a man.

 I already wrote about Wayne in the beginning. I'm not going to go over the emotional roller-coaster that he took me on. God, I was so in love with this guy. WTF. Like I couldn't even see what a bum he was. You know I'm raising my standards if I ever fall for a guy that:

1) Can drive a car legally. I love men who don't have licenses, whether it's because they didn't pay child support or DUI or simply never found the time. 

2) graduated from high school. This is also something I seem to choose. Drop outs. I just love them.

3) Can maintain a full time job. Oh, if I could only find a man that could work 40 hours a week how nice my life would be. I fall for the ones that get fired or quit all the time.

4)Does not have any substance addictions or mental health issues. This one is hypocritical. I have mental health issues and substance addictions. They probably work together. And this one is my down fall. I think, "Hey, I can help this troubled and broken man because I can understand what he's going through. "I love, love myself a broken man. The more broken, the better.

5) Has never been homeless. Now I don't usually ask but it seems that I fall for men that have been homeless at some point in their life. Probably related to substance abuse and not being able to hold down a job.

I think those are the basics of what I like in a man. Granted not just any man will do. I have to be attracted to him first. And after that he'd better be a drunk dropout with no license. Yum, that is my favorite!

I really loved Wayne with all my heart and he just played me. We only had sex twice but I wanted to stay and kiss him for days. Ugh, he wasn't very smart. He was not smart at ALL. But I was all about it. 

Alex

 I guess I should continue my story of guys. Though I feel like no more stories come close to being as eventful as Philip's. 

Anyway after all that happened I slowed way down on my consumption of men. But I didn't stop cold turkey. 

One day I was checking my Facebook and I saw one of my recommended friend was a guy named Alex. I thought he looked alright in his pics so I requested his friendship. Well, he accepted and we started talking. I told him exactly what I wanted. He was only a couple stoplights down the main road in Englewood so we made a plan. 

I get to his house and he's sitting out front waiting for me. I greet him and we go inside. He seems pleasant enough. But, listen up, I get his pants off and he's like child sized. Like I felt a little disturbed. He wants me to go down, so I try my best. Not much to hold on to. Even when he's hard he's small. Yikes. Little surprised since Alex is pretty tall. Did I mention Alex had pretty ice blue eyes. Well he did. 

So we did our thing and I hang out for awhile. He's pert cool. 

We decided to meet again and I come on by not expecting that HIS MOM was home.  Foe real, what guy invites over a girl while his mom is home. Geez, but whatever  maybe she's cool.

I tried to meet him again and turns out he can't bring me to his house anymore. Really, dumbass? He didn't admit it but I'm sure he got in trouble. We tried to meet at the gas station to find another place to go. Somehow David had intercepted our messages and Alex told me to sort shit out with my husband he wasn't gonna be involved. I don't blame you Alex, I don't blame you at all.

Aftermath: I never saw or heard from Alex again. 

Feeling a little better as the days pass.

 I wondered how I would feel with my first patient's death since Philip died. I was afraid that I would be upset. 

That happened last night. And I was fine. I did okay. I didn't cry. I felt like a normal day with a normal long suffering cancer patient finally had an end to his suffering. I never get very upset when my patients die. I've seen it so often in my life and, honestly, I only knew them for a relatively short period of time in their life. I pride myself on not being emotional so this past month has been excruciating. God, I hate feeling...anything actually. 

I did imagine Philip for a moment, as I tried to close my patient's eyes. I wondered if he died with his eyes open also. I wondered if he was dead all night before he was found. And who found him? I tried not to think about it too much, as it might get me upset.  

But I find I'm back to feeling disassociated from emotion again. Back to feeling numb from emotional high and lows. The other night I cried so hard and I wrote out a message to him so maybe that's just what I needed to do. Now everything has been said and all my tears have been cried and I can go back to regular life. I just need to guard my feelings so I don't lose control again. 

Just another One Night Love Affair.

I heard this song this morning and I was reminded of all my "One night love affairs". All my wonderful memories. 

I've had quite a few of these. Sometimes they weren't all night but simply "several hours love affair" Sometimes two people are just needing some companionship for a short while. A pretend love that means nothing. Just a few hours to be close to another person and be held. Someone to talk and laugh with. Sometimes all the right factors are put into place and you really connect with a person that you will only meet one time in your life for a couple hours. And the sad realization that that temporary happiness will become nothing by the time the night is over. And you realize that you will never set your eyes on that person again. That you are both passing through this life alone but you're together for only a moment. And then it's over.

 

It feels like forever ago

- Edited on 8-11-22

"This was an old entry I had written about Philip since I had a hard time after his death. I wasn't ready to publish it before but I can now since it isn't as fresh. 

I've been thinking about him more lately since my Mamaw died. If there's an afterlife I hope my Mamaw and Philip are watching out for me. God knows I need all the support I can get. What an odd pair they would be hanging out. But Philip was a decent respectful guy and Mamaw was a lovely respectful lady so I would hope they would get along for my sake. Isn't this a weird thing to say? "

Yes, I'm still going on about this. It's been a month since he died, so it's been a little longer than that since we last talked. It feels like it was a past life or something. Time is moving by oddly. Sometimes it almost feels like it can't be true. Someone is clearly messing with my mind. 

You know, even when I didn't know where he was for those couple years I checked arrests and I knew at least he was still alive so it was okay. But it's not okay anymore. 

Four years ago I enjoyed being with him to the point where I thought about leaving my husband so I could hang out with him all the time. I really liked him that much. But I lost my job and begged David to come back because I was broke. Even then I was so sad because I couldn't see him anymore and I was banned from talking to him or having him on social media. So you see this has been going on for years. For years I worried about this guy. He was a mess but I was still fascinated with him. When I would see him out at places I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't. I wished that I was with him but I wasn't. And then I worried about him all that time since then. 

I can't explain it. I don't know why I felt that way. I don't know why  I feel any way. There's no rational explanation. I'm glad we were able to talk a few times before he died. I'm glad he knew I cared all that time. I'm glad to know that he liked me too. 

Life put us in the same place at the same time and we had a good time. Even though it was crazy.  If he died in Englewood I would never have been able to tell him how worried I had been all that time. I'm glad I didn't find out about him six months later by accident. I know I mattered to him at the end. And I guess things worked out just the way they were meant to. But I miss him anyway. I wanted to say so much more. 

No matter how old I will ever be he will always be young in my mind. 

Life in Slo Mo

 Each day feels like I'm living in a slo mo world. I'm existing instead of living. I keep thinking about death and how everybody dies one day. Hopefully I'm not going anywhere for quite a while. Nevertheless, I don't know what happens after. I'm not convinced anything does. Which is why I try to live as much as I can while I am alive. 

I've seen death up close and personal more times in my life than I could possibly count. Death is fairly common when you work with the elderly. But I don't know those people. I only took care of them at the end of their life and usually they had some form of dementia so I didn't know the real person at all. In my life nobody has died in quite a long time. My mother in law but that was maybe 6 years ago and I had a lot going on at that time. Before that my grandfather in 1985. I brought all my children to meet him and I always kept him updated on things. I miss visiting him at the cemetery because I had taken care of so many other people that were buried there also. I would wander around the cemetery visiting them all. From Alice and Bernard Arnold wayyy in the back to Edythe Schell and Flossie Lewis and her husband whom I can't name right now,  in the front part of the cemetery. I miss that place honestly. I don't know if I'll ever get back home. 

But why has this death bothered me so much? Because it was unexpected and he was young. He shouldn't have died. It was too soon. And that makes me realize that time could be up for any of us when we don't even know it. Maybe I could get hit by a truck tomorrow and my time will be up. Or if something were to happen to one of my kids before I die I would lose my shit. I don't know how I could go on. In American culture we aren't comfortable with death. I mean, we prolong life to an unsettling degree, beyond the point when you have any quality of life it seems. 

Meanwhile it seems every guy from my past is sending me messages and I don't even care one bit. They bore me. Every one of them. For like 2 whole minutes I can attempt a conversation before I don't care anymore. They aren't who I want to talk to. I'd like to go back in time and say all the things I didn't get a chance to. All the things I should have said. The lesson I take from this is always take advantage of the opportunity to say what you want to say. There may not be another time. 

Only time will make me feel better about this. Am I being overdramatic? I don't think so. It's not the last time I will have to deal with death in my life. My Mamaw is 96 and my parents are getting older so I know their time will come. I think I understand why people remain religious. To convince themselves that there is an afterlife and they will see those people again. I just wish I knew what really happens. Do we really cease to exist? That's my theory. But I want to imagine that people's soul continues on in some form. I want to imagine that. But I'm not sure I can convince myself of that. 

I'm just going to try my best to live each day well. Because it's the only life I have. 

Philip

 David asked if I had written anything on here lately and I said I hadn't but I told him Philip was next in order and he said, " Just write that he died and that's all. " David hated Philip more than anyone he ever met or probably will ever meet in his life. But actually I deserve the hate, not Philip. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Philip was also a significant part of my story and I refuse to deny his existence by not telling his story. 

I met him while I was working as a server at the End Zone. He was a cook there. I remember he started working there after I did. I liked to look at him. But he was always talking about his girlfriend so I left him alone. We weren't even friends while I worked there. Like I didn't talk to him at all. I really had no reason to. I know I had a reputation while I was there. People knew what I was up to. I was meeting guys after work on a regular basis. One night a guy flaked on me. Boy did I hate that! I was sitting outside waiting and Philip came out for a cigarette and I said something about how I was supposed to meet someone and they stood me up. I feel like I got fired not long after that. I failed a drug test. Can you believe that? I was the only person NOT on drugs there and I was accused of failing due to barbiturates. Can you imagine? Barbiturates! Who ever abuses those? They just wanted me out. 

Fast forward a little and I am swiping through Tinder and Philip was on there. My heart was racing, Aha finally my chance! But did he swipe right on me? He did! I love when things go my way. We stated talking right away. He told me about how everyone talked about me getting fired. I guess I made some stupid comment when I was fired like" Guess I'm fired so bye!" He said that he failed his drug test for weed and the boss just told him not at work or some nonsense. Lots of people failed. I was the only onw fired. Whatever End Zone. You suck. We talked about everything, he would get tired of texting and call me and we would talk and talk. I swear we never ran out of stuff to say. He was really nice and comfortable to talk to. 

Anyway moving on to April 18 2018, I invited him over during the day( of course). I picked him up at his house and brought him over and we talked for like two hours. I met plenty of guys but I really enjoyed hanging out with Philip. After a couple hours he offers to give me a massage so we go to the bedroom. He gives me a back massage and I don't remember too much about it but we ended up naked as you could assume. Anyway, afterward he sits up against the headboard and asks me to hand him his energy drink that was on the dresser. Just then I hear the front door open. We had an alarm that wasn't hooked up so the door would beep twice when it was opened. I heard the beeps and I ran across the room to shut the door and hold it closed. I start yelling at Philip to go out the window and he's trying to put his pants and shoes on and open the window. He's yelling " It won't open!" Finally he gets the window open as soon as David bursts through the bedroom door I was up against. The door smacked me in the head leaving a huge red bump. David grabs his sword and jumps out the window after Philip.  He chases him down the road yelling about him coming over to his house to fuck his wife. 

At this point I lock myself in the bathroom and delete all of Philip's info off my phone. And hurriedly put on some clothes. Philip ended up down the road at a neighbors house and David came back to me. Philip calls wanting his earbuds and his shirt. So Philip came back over and David threw his shirt and ran after him again and threw his stuff in the bushes. David comes back and starts yelling and he smacks me a couple times and pushes me into a wall and tries to strangle me on the bed. Philip ends up calling the police and they arrive and see the big bump on on my head and asked if I was okay. I fessed up because I was scared to death of David at this point. They arrested David and took him to jail. Meanwhile they took pictures of my injuries. I lost track of Philip. I thought that there was no way this guy would ever talk to me again. 

Later that night I get a call from Philip. He wants to hang out. I'm like seriously? After all that happened? So Philip and I went out and he stayed at my house that night. It was a very stressful time in my life and I was glad to have someone to talk to about it. I laughed about how crazy it was and I told him he would never forget me after what happened. In the time that David was gone Philip stayed at my house a few nights. We went out to eat one evening. Another night we got a bottle of wine and went to the Pearl. Then we came to my house and drank wine and talked and watched cat videos on his phone. One morning after I got the kids to school we went out to the beach and hung out and he went swimming. Then we took a walk on the pier on the other side of Englewood. I remember him freaking out " Where are you taking me?!" He was always making me laugh. We honestly had a great time together. But we were constantly getting texts from David and other unknown people saying they were watching us. So we were always freaked out. 

After a couple weeks I ended up fired from another job ( I guess I'm a lousy server) and I needed David to come back home. The only thing I was sad about was that I wouldn't be able to hang out with Philip anymore. I really liked the guy and he was fun. I tried to call him once and he was busy or something. 

I still saw him out at the Pearl plenty of times and I would talk with him if I wasn't with David. On my birthday in June I bought him a shot and a beer and then when David arrived he disappeared around back of the building.  I found out that David didn't recognize him so when I saw Philip out at places I never pointed him out. I told him this also so he didn't have to be freaked out when he saw David. 

In the next year Philip ended up homeless and we would see him around the Pearl often. Sometimes he would be there in the middle of the day sleeping in a corner. At that point David figured out who he was. But I begged David to please leave him alone. And he did. In that period of time I wasn't talking to Philip anymore. I guess I wasn't sure if he would be annoyed if I did. So I left him alone. Though I worried about him all the time. Even after I moved to New Hampshire I worried about him. I thought maybe he developed PTSD from that day when David chased him. I always imagined him alone and homeless and I felt sad. It bothered me for years. After I moved I saw a Snapchat of him one day and then nothing ever again. 

Aftermath:  2022- He liked one of my pics on Instagram and I said hi. We chatted all night while I was at work one night. He had been in jail for awhile in Englewood but he had moved to Orlando and was living with his mom. He was working out and he was eating healthy and he quit smoking and drinking and drugs. He had a job and he had plans. He thought I set him up the one day that David came home. I assured him that I didn't. I'm telling you, it was like years earlier we just talk and talk. He was a good guy and I was worried about him for so long. I was relieved that he was safe now. I didn't have to worry about him anymore. Philip talked about wanting me to move to Arizona with him. I never even knew he liked me that much honestly. Then one day he said he was homeless again. But stays at his moms sometimes. He said she was strict about money and he did meth a few times. Uh oh. Last I talked to him he was at his moms. He wished we could be together and he missed me. I told him I would talk to him the next night I worked which was Monday night. I sent him a message that night but I never heard from him again. 

His mom send a message a week and a half later that Philip passed away on April 5.And that he was already gone on that Monday night I messaged him. She didn't want me to think he was ignoring me. I guess he was smoking meth again. That was the real reason he was homeless in Orlando. 

I'm still feeling sad that he no longer exists. I think about him all the time and wish he wasn't gone. I selfishly think How could he leave me like this?  So many things left to talk about. I read and reread our conversations and think about all the things I should have said. And I can't tell anyone how I feel because I really wasn't even supposed to be talking to him. And David doesn't care that he's gone so I suffer alone. Feeling sorrow for a person that played a significant part in my life. A person that I cared for. I just wish he was still alive. He was my friend and I miss him .But I have plenty of happy memories and I won't ever forget him. 

I'll just keep it to myself. 

My Charmed Life

 I was arrested because I was addicted to and stealing opiates. Then I lived as a very, very poor person for a few years, bouncing my family from address to address. Living in hotels and with family , being evicted too many times, maybe three? Four? I lost count. One car repossessed. Instead of drugs, I became addicted to men. So many men. Then I quit men for cocaine. Oh, I did so much cocaine. And I loved it. I spent all our money on it. So we had to move to NH because we were broke and homeless. 

Now I have my nursing career back and I make more than I did in Florida. I live in a little house with my family and I try to get them anything they want. My life is a charmed one. I don't want for anything anymore. I don't have to count change to go to the store and we aren't hungry. 

Do deserve this? Probably not. I try to hide that I am an awful person but my family knows the real me. The me that wants everything a certain way. The me that gets whatever I want or I get mad. The me that isn't soft and sensitive anymore. The me that demands everybody do what I want them to do. David does it too. He knows I get what I want. That's why I got all the men and after that, all the cocaine. I was miserable for a year after I moved to NH. No drugs and no men. I still have to live that life. Maybe that's why I feel so grumpy. I have to fake that I'm a "good" person so I can keep a job and live a normal life. But inside I'm seething. 

I'm bored here. And I want to go do things and I want to take the kids places. But my husband isn't a worker bee like myself. He's happy to stay at home watching TV. He only works part time but hates the hours he works. And if he doesn't work then I have no extra money because my paycheck pays for everything. This is a recurring theme through our marriage. He's just not ambitious. Never has been. Drives me nuts. But this is the life I chose. I guess. This is getting old.

Bobby

 Bobby was a friend of my friend, Jen. He had been checking me out when we went out to the Pearl and Jen spoke highly of him. She told me that he was well endowed so I agreed to try him out. She gave me his Snap and it turns out he was right down the road from me so perfect. 

Bobby came over a bunch of times and sometimes I went to his house. We hooked up 7 different times, It was awfully convenient that he was down the road. He said I was about the best he ever had. He was alright but I always had to do all the work. And he wasn't very affectionate, so not really much kissing so. He was pretty cool to hang out with though. Sometimes I would go up to the beach to hang out with him and Jen. And if David was suspicious I could simply tell him that I was hanging out with Jen only and take a pic of us to send him. Jen was fine with covering for me. I really do miss her. I don't have many friends and it was nice to have a friend that was so judgy of me. I'm really not a good person and it hurts when people outright tell me that. I like people as flawed as myself. 

Aftermath: bobby and I remained friends until I moved though he was unhappy that I "cut him off" from sexy times after I fell in love with some asshole. I haven't gotten to him yet. But that was a big stupid mistake. I spent a year pining over one guy when I could have continued the fun I was having with all the wrong guys.