Hunter P.

A different day, a different adventure! After my morning court ordered mental health court meeting I opted not to go with he others to the afternoon AA meeting in Charlotte Harbor. Nah, I had plans. This time I told one of my friends where I was going so at least one person knew where I was in case I suddenly went missing. 

This time I was going to Fort Myers and it was a beautiful day. I remember that. He lived in the downtown area in an apartment so I was supposed to wait on a bench on a certain road near his place and wait for him. He was meeting me on his lunch break. 😊 I was very nervous wondering if he was watching me from the bar across the street or from a window from one of the apartments above me. As each person walked past I waited for someone to make eye contact with me. What if he didn't recognize me? 

But there he was. Tall and thin, very nice looking blonde man coming toward me with his bright orange work vest on. Nobody could make that vest look as good as he did. 

I don't even remember how he greeted me. I think he just said my name. I smiled. He had a little bit of a southern drawl which isn't usually my thing but on him it just made him more perfect. His apartment was nearby so we walked there making easy small talk about my drive. He told me I looked even better than my pictures. Honestly I ended up getting that compliment often. I told him he did , too. His pictures didn't show how blue his eyes were. They were beautiful. 

I think once in the room we just got on the bed and got down to business. No time to waste when you're on your lunchbreak. It took him a little bit to loosen up. He was so nervous with me. It was adorable. But I showed him the way. No need to be nervous with me. Just like riding a bike. Just get started and go to it. I'm just like every other girl. Just older than he's used to. Those young guys always wanted to impress me since I was an older woman and I like to think I put them at ease. I just want to have a nice time. Nothing fancy. He was good. Certainly not too shabby for a 21 year old guy. I had a lovely time with a great guy. 

Aftermath:  We tried to get together another time after that but he had to cancel last minute. But we stayed in contact on Snapchat and I sent him pictures for the longest time. He's in the military now, who knows where he is. But I'll always remember those blue eyes. 

1-7-22 - I got a message from Hunter a month ago and we chatted a little bit. He's overseas in the Middle East somewhere. I sent him some pics and he seemed to be very thankful. But then he disappeared from my Snapchat again.  🤔 I don't know if David unadded him or what. David is always fucking with my Snapchat.

Let's take a moment to interrupt this flow...

 I was reading some of my old blogs from years ago and I was so stressed out about money all the time. And about having two wee little boys also. And having a crazy drunken family. Well, life is easier now that Sean is a teen. Even though he's an angry teen. And Seth, well, Seth is Jackie now, my daughter. I never thought I would have daughter but here I am. Her hair is long and curly and wavy and she asks me to help her with her eye makeup. I really have to help her learn some girl stuff, like underarm shaving and leg shaving and lip gloss. And we still need to buy some girl clothes for her. Just when I need a mall there isn't one. THERE ISN"T A MALL ANYWHERE! How am I supposed to help my daughter try on clothes? She doesn't know what fits and what doesn't.

 It's also different having a member of my family as a member of the LGBTQ community because sometimes people don't generally know it and say some stupid shit until I correct them and tell them my daughter is trans. But I just educate them a bit and sometimes that's all it takes. People are more accepting here than in Florida. There were a lot of very conservative folks in the south that didn't like people different than them. The high school has a very progressive transgender student policy and I am very happy about that. Jackie is officially Jackie on all the school records now. And she is happy. Very happy. I love her.

Joshua is my BFF. We hang together often. He's my sunshine and I just love him. He's in 3rd. grade now but we like to take walks together and go have adventures together. 

I passed my FBI background check for my New Hampshire nursing license and that is proof that I have been redeemed from all the shit that I have done. The arrest, the drugs, The mental health court. I paid my fines. All the shame. The loss of friends that I worked with. The loss of my identity. I never thought I'd ever be a nurse again. I thought that my career was off the table for good. If anyone knew my story there is no way they would want me working at their facility. I was led out of my place of employment in handcuffs in front of all my patients. I spent a year in a deep depression. I never thought I'd find my way back. 

 But I passed it. And it makes me think of this line from The Shawshank Redemption....  

"Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side."

Because that's what I did. I crawled through a river of shit, evictions, homelessness, repossessions,  living in hotels, marijuana, oxycodone, cocaine, so much cocaine, promiscuity, poverty, drunkenness, I destroyed relationships with my family. David hurt relationships with his family, My dad kicked us out of his house, I got fired from so many jobs, David got arrested for strangling me after he found me fucking a 25 year old man at our house while he was at work, we had an open relationship that lasted over a year and  David's mom died. All in about three years. Then when I snorted all our money we moved to New Hampshire because we had burned all of our other bridges and we needed somewhere to stay because we were broke and homeless. 

On a whim I applied for a nursing job at the urging of David's dad I applied at the Morrison. I was hired immediately. After I got my Multistate license in order I was good to go. I was still using the fingerprints from Florida from before my arrest so I figured I was ok for awhile. The Morrison gave me 25.00 an hr. so I figured I hit the jackpot! I'm able to pay the bills with plenty leftover for whatever. We don't have to count change or even have to check the bank balance before going to the grocery store! I can buy clothes or shoes for the kids whenever. I'm finally living well and comfortably.

 Eventually I had to change my license over from a Florida to a New Hampshire license which required me to redo my fingerprints. I've had anxiety regarding my fingerprints for five fucking years. But no escaping it now. But after three months of waiting it went through. I passed. I'm clean as a whistle. So to all of my family or whomever that was ashamed of me or thought  I was going to be a loser forever, guess what. Nope.  I'm not wealthy but I have everything I need and more. So I'm doing just fine in these mountains. 

                                                                                                                                                                 

The First One

 So I set up the hookup. I was nervous as hell but I promised myself I wasn't going to back out. After my mental health court meeting I headed out. I didn't tell anyone what I was going to do. I was going to drive to Lakeland and meet him at this hotel he was staying for his work. In my future meetups I started telling my mental health court friends in case something happened to me. I was between jobs at this time so he said he'd give me twenty bucks for gas since I was driving to him. 

So the adrenalin was flowing but I wasn't as scared as I should have been. It didn't even enter my head that he might kill me or anything. I mean I was going to have sex with a guy I never met before so what could happen, right? So I got to the hotel. Now I was getting really nervous. I was thinking, should I leave? What if he didn't look like his picture? I drove past some of the rooms looking for the number I needed thinking he was probably watching me. I was feeling dumb for some reason. He was going to see me before I saw him. I found the room number. No body was there but a guy was sitting outside of the room next to it. Maybe he knew him. I went to knock on the door. The guy sitting outside the other room, says "Hey!" I turn around. He says the room was over there, he just wanted to see me first. Hmmm. 

We walk inside and I'm trying to make the most awkward small talk about the drive up from Port Charlotte. I also realize I'm taller than him by a couple inches but he definitely looked as good as his pictures showed. He grabbed me by both sides of my waist and looked me up and down and said , "Well, look at you!" I didn't know how to respond so I said, "Are you drunk?" He lets go and says, "No!" I apologize and mumble about I haven't done this before, blah blah. I'm not sure of the exact details but somehow I ended up at the foot of the bed with him and he picked me up with my legs around him and he threw me on the bed. I started laughing. He crawled to me and he must have started kissing me. The details at this point become foggy. But sex happened. In all kinds of ways. And I remember thinking that, "Holy shit, I'm cheating on my husband." But this thought didn't make me feel guilty nor did it make me want to stop. Because I wasn't in love with this guy. 

I remember hoping that it wasn't going to leave marks when he slapped my ass. But I enjoyed it so much. He talked so dirty to me and it was perfect. Sexy but not degrading. I did things with him that I had no idea that my body wanted to do. And I felt so free because I wasn't going to see him again so I didn't have to feel self conscious or embarrassed of the way I looked naked. He said I looked great.  And I guess if I look great naked to a 25 year old guy that's quite the compliment. I think we went at it for an hour. God, until we were sore and sweaty and sticky. 

Then we laid there talking about shit. I talked about quitting drugs and the hypersexuality that I seemed to have developed afterward. He talked a little about himself. He was super cool. God, the sex was so good. Then I got my gas money and off I went smiling all the way home. 

Aftermath: David found out about Chaz eventually and I got in huge trouble. I don't know if David found out right after Chaz or after I had hooked up with a few more. But I experienced so many fights because of my hookups as to be expected. David deleted all Chaz's info. Even so, Chaz found me other ways and tried to hook up with me again in the following year but David cockblocked that unfortunately. I'm still in contact with Chaz but I only send him pictures now but we still talk about that day. I guess it was memorable for both of us. 

                                 This was taken late 2016 around the time this event happened.

Tinder

While I was at the resort I had heard that one of the guys that worked there had been asking whether I was single. And here's the kicker, he was 29! He thought I was much younger than my actual age of 39. 

Well, I was thoroughly flattered since I had no clue any man might find me attractive other than my husband. 

I had been going through so much in my life between work and kids and drugs and the arrest and all the stress after it that I guess I hadn't really looked in a mirror and noticed myself in a long while. 

Over the years guys had hit on me here and there and I didn't pay much attention but it had been a very long time since anyone had noticed me. David had always complimented me but I always felt like that was not as genuine since he is my husband, Sort of when your mom tells you you're smart, it's just something they say because they love you. Not because it's necessarily true. 

Suddenly I realized I'm not all bad to look at. I was at a good weight, nice and thin, above average breasts and a nice butt and long curly red hair and I like to think my face looks ok. I looked at my younger pictures and I looked alright but I glowed up somewhere along the way. I was thinking if only I looked this way and felt this confident way back in my younger years I would have made some different choices. 

But did I take this newfound confidence home? No.

 I had been feeling almost asexual for a long time. Nothing excited me much. I felt so blah in the sex department for many years. But Garrett made me feel feelings that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I guess I wasn't asexual. I just was turned on by younger men!

But I needed to get Garrett off my mind and the best solution I thought of was to find a different 25 year old to have sex with. I'd heard about Tinder so I thought I'd try it out. 

I downloaded the app and set up my account and set it for ages 20-30. I honestly didn't think I would get very many matches because I was much older. I was thinking that no young guy wants a 38 year old woman. I never lied about anything. My age, my marital status, nothing. 

Much to my surprise I got tons of matches! Tinder was easy! I started talking to guys right away. Little bit of small talk and I told them what I wanted. Apparently lots of younger guys like older girls. I later learned that it's like a bucket list thing for guys to have an older woman, and a married one is even better. The hard part was finding a place to meet up since my house was not available. I didn't know I could be picky at first so I had my mileage set for pretty far away. For the first few times I had to drive pretty far. Then I started staying closer to home. 

Anyway. I got to be quite the Tinder expert over time but lets go back to the first one. Chaz

I took this picture at the resort in the mirrored top of a canopy bed. I made the mistake of posting it on Facebook and a coworker ratted me out to the boss and I got in a lot of trouble.

Sweet, Sweet Garrett

 Sometimes you find the right people at the very perfect moment. That would be Garrett. Here's a little story.

Once upon a time I was arrested for stealing Oxycodone. I had quite the addiction at the time and I was on a speeding train with no way to pull the brake. Until I got caught. It was almost ( almost) a relief because my drug problem was out in the open. I spent the end half of 2015 out of work trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life since I had no skills other than working as a nurse. I stayed home with little baby Joshua. My attorney dragged out the case for awhile trying to get me lesser charges without success. 2016 found us kicked out of our house and in a nice little place in Rotonda near David's work at Palm Island Resort. I was severely depressed and had little motivation. David needed me to work though. He got me a job at Palm Island Resort doing housekeeping. I figured it would be easy. 

At this same time I was beginning my Mental Health Court program that I had been assigned through the court. Since I was a first offender I was to do the year long outpatient rehab program for drug addiction. And since it was decided that I was self medicating my mental health issue I was placed in Mental Health Court. I had to quit opiates and try to function at the same time. I hadn't been drug free in years, how was I going to manage? 

So I started working at the resort, I was a mediocre housekeeper. Mostly because I was freshly clean from drugs and my brain wasn't able to focus. My mind was always racing and I just couldn't get it together. I screwed up and missed things often. But it was beautiful out there and I got to drive around a fancy resort with my own golf cart from unit to unit. I met some great people.

Garrett was one of the guys that did the stocking for housekeeping at the resort. He also would bring the bags full of the supplies to the units for the housekeepers.  He was nice enough but I'll be honest I was initially struck by his appearance. I found him very nice to look at. I looked forward to him dropping off my supplies for my units because it was nice to see him and it was a break from the loneliness of the cleaning work. Garrett always stopped to talk for awhile and I must have mentioned what I was going through at the time and it turns out he wasn't a stranger to some of my similar issues. 

Sometimes if he was still working after I was off work I would sit in the housekeeping trailer and talk to him while he worked. I was so lost in those days freshly free from drugs that I needed to talk to someone who knew what I was feeling. Garrett had a history of being a blackout drunk and had gotten himself in quite bit of trouble while he was in college and was brought down to Florida by his family. Somewhere along the way he had been in rehab for the drinking. He also had been diagnosed with mental illness and had taken a few different medications at some point. We talked a lot about rehab and AA meetings. We talked about therapy and mental illnesses. But, honestly, Garrett listened to me do a lot of talking. He was the best listener. At a point in my life when I had so much to say and I was feeling so much, I just needed to talk to someone who knew what I was talking about. And Garrett was in the right place and the perfect time. And I don't know if he minded or not. But he never let on that it bothered him. And for Garrett, I am forever grateful because he was placed in my life when I needed him.

Perhaps I was overly grateful because I loved that boy. I truly did. I would have done anything for him. David knew it first. I'm not sure how he figured it out. But I was. I was 39 years old and I fell in love with a 25 year old man. 

Before him I never really thought about cheating on my husband but I was willing to risk it with Garrett. I wanted to seduce him in one of the resort units, just once. But, of course, I never would. Because Garrett was a good person. Sweet, sweet Garrett will always be too good in my eyes for anything like that. He deserved far better than the likes of me. 

After I was fired from the resort I wrote him a long letter telling him how I felt. David read it and he actually gave it to Garrett. I figured I would never see him again so what would it matter anyway?

And it's true. I never saw Garrett again after I left Palm Island. He's on my Facebook though so I like knowing that he's there if I need him. 😊

                                                

This song was popular at the time and the lyrics spoke to me a lot. I still think of him every time I listen to this song. Some part of me will always consider him my sweet love.

"Trouble on my left, trouble on my right
I've been facing trouble almost all my life
My sweet love, won't you pull me through?
Everywhere I look, I catch a glimpse of you"

"Grow Up", He said.

 Then he took my Snapchat away. It was my only remaining connection to the Tinder guys of my past. There were so many, but most were brief conversations that didn't go anywhere. Some I just lost contact with over time, but about thirty- forty more were regularly in contact with me whether it was occasional "hello"s or pictures. Or asking for pictures from me. Yes I was sending them nudes on the regular, nothing crazy, just some boobs and ass shots and they were happy and I got dick pics in return. 

David said I was cheating but I don't think so. Some of those men I had hooked up with years ago but they are all far away in Florida now. There's no way they could get their hands on me now. Not that they wouldn't want to. I've had offers of plane tickets and hotel rooms. Some have offered to fly here and meet me. I don't think I'm that special but a young men lose their minds when it comes to sex.  David said we could never go back to Florida because all of those guys are there and he's correct. Those boys would cheat on their girlfriends to say they had an older woman. When I was in Florida I had many men cheat on their girlfriends with me, a few cheated on their wives. It's none of my business. I'm a married woman. 

I enjoy the attention from those men from years ago. I love to send them pictures and have them tell me how turned on I made them. I love when they screenshot my pictures so they can save them for later that night. One guy has a phone full of pictures of me. He never forgets to tell me I'm beautiful. Am i sucker for compliments? Of course. Do they even know what my face looks like? Doubtful. They just know I'm and older woman with a lovely above average set of boobs. They probably notice my red hair, that's about it.

They don't love me. They don't care about me. I'm not stupid. But I've gotten to age 44 with hardly any sagging in the boob department. Which is remarkable, I think, because 1. they are real and 2. they are size DD so you would think gravity would take it's toll. My mother had very large breasts and I remember them being very pendulous and saggy when she was young ( I remember her showering with us when we were really young). So it isn't hereditary. And I've been pregnant three times and milk producing boobs can become saggy. Maybe I wore good supportive bras?

In any case, I like to show them off. And guys like them. Oh? Show them to my husband you say? He's already seen them for years. And that's no fun. I've been through a lot. I'm not fucking anymore men. I'm being a good girl now. So can I just have my Snapchat so I can chat and send my boobs to thirsty 25 year olds? Can I not just have access to my own social media account?

Wayne

 Now let me talk about this piece of work. So during my years of debauchery we frequented a club/sushi bar and he was a bouncer then, then a server. When I was there I always had my eye out for men because that was my favorite thing to do. Wayne was alright looking and I thought I might be interested in doing him. He showed up as a potential friend on Facebook so I friended him and BAM he friended me so fast and we started talking. I guess he had been checking me out, too. He had a thing for redheads (Don't they all?) and older women (again, don't they all?) so he had a GF but they had an open thing so I was all about that. 

We talked a lot. Idk it all happened so quickly. It was like he started taking about how he was falling for me and stuff. Now THAT is unusual. I don't hear that from guys and I was looking for more of a meaningful FWB situation rather that random hookups so I was all in. So all he had to do is mention falling for me and here I goooooo.... I'm falling for him too. 

Then he stopped talking to me for a couple weeks and I was crushed. No response to texts or anything. WTF.  OK I guess he was sick. But one day without hearing from him I was so lost. But I knew I was a goner at that point.

Our entire relationship (or whatever) was about 6 months and it was a complete and total roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I fell in crazy love with this man and he told me all the nice things that I wanted to hear. Sometimes he would ignore me for days and weeks and I would cry and sob without any response from him. Did he love me??? I went over to his house to hook up only a couple times in that 6 months and I turned down many men because I only wanted Wayne. Nobody else was as good as the man I loved. The feeling of new sweet romantic love felt good, I won't lie. It's different than the love you have for someone you've been married to for twenty years because it's so fresh and new and passionate. 

We wanted to be together one day. He claimed he had to block me on FB and on IG and everywhere else because his GF was jealous because he loved me. Or whatever.

I eventually came to my senses. Wayne had exes and children across the country and there was always a sob story as to why he had to leave them. It was never his fault. He wasn't paying child support for any of his kids. He didn't even have a license because he had been in a car accident with a pregnant ex and now he get's too anxious to drive (or some shit). His most recent ex hated his guts even though he adored her. But he ran off on her and their kid so why shouldn't she hate him. 

Current GF found him on an online dating site while he was homeless pretty much and she took him in. lmao like a lost puppy. He apparently was pretty meh about her but he was more or less living off her. 

He had women all over the country that he would chat with and send pics, some would send him money. Some lady in CA would send him 10K at a time. Now this is all according to him and I don't know what is real and what is fake. 

But I feel like I was played. And nobody plays the player. What did he want from me? Idk. sex? He didn't have to claim he loved me to get that. Shoot, I've banged guys I've known 15 minutes. 

I never gave Wayne money. Maybe it was just a game for him. I was just a player in his game. I guess I could ask him one day. But why would he tell me the truth now?

Tyler King

 Nobody reads this anyway so I'm going to ramble about something. 

So Tyler was a guy back a few years ago that I met through Tinder. He was 21 years old and adorable as can be. He was my exclusive FWB for quite a few months at his request. My husband was the exception, of course.

Anyway he used to stop by once a week or maybe more and we'd have crazy hot sweet sex and then he would leave until the next time. He had some mom issues which maybe was why he liked me so much perhaps. His mom had passed away a few years prior. One time he came over on her birthday and he was very sad. But I cheered him up good. God, he was a hot thing, 

At some point we hadn't met up for a little while, I think he had a new job or something and couldn't come over and when he finally picked me up after work at my serving job it was so amazing. We fogged up the windows. Oh, I fogged up windows on my car many, many times. And on other people's cars as well. 

One night I couldn't sleep and he was on snap and I snuck out of the house and he picked me up a little down the road in my PJs. We were racing down the highway and he was listening to Kodack Black and we had the seats leaned back and the windows down, I felt so wild and young like we could do anything! Like for a minute I wanted to run away with my sweet 21 year old Tyler and just do anything and everything and pretend I was someone else. 

He took me to a park and we had crazy sex in the back seat. He took me home and I went to bed like nothing happened. We had so much fun we wanted to do it the next night. I got up in the middle of the night and met him in my PJs like before, we went to the same park and everything. It was so good. But this time was different.

As we drove past my house I noticed the lights were on. I knew I had been caught. I was scared to death what was going to happen to me when I got home. Tyler started getting snap messages from my husband. So he blocked the Snap account and asked for my email. I tried to tell him but it was difficult to explain at the moment, so much was going through my mind. I was panicking. So Tyler dropped me off where he picked me up and I walked home ready to face my unknown punishment.

The front door was locked. So I started knocking and knocking. David came out and pushed me down onto the ground. And started kicking and kicking  and kicking me. Kicking my body as hard as he could. I just wrapped my arms around myself and wished for it to be over. I fantasized that Tyler would come back and save me from being beat up. I just kept picturing him in my mind. 

That night I had the crap kicked outta me in my own front yard, I was yelled at, attacked, smacked and had a bebe gun held to my temple. Not my first or last punishment, but the worst.

Four years later I still think of Tyler. I wonder what he's doing now. I hope he's ok. I hope he has an amazing girlfriend. I hope that he remembers me and it makes him smile. 

Maybe it's not the end.

Truly I thought my fingerprint result would be instant. Like the state result. But apparently it takes a month or longer. In that period of time my license status is "conditional pending FBI check" so I just cross my fingers until whomever knows when. According to the lady at the fingerprinting place, I should be ok as long as I don't have a conviction on my record so that settled my anxiety a bit. I figure she knows a bit about it. 

So without that worry on my mind, I'm back to worrying about lesser worries, like my weight. Now, the only people that give a shit about my weight are me and all the 25 year olds that I was fucking back in 2017.  I guess people generally thought I was younger than my age when I was thinner. Now nobody checks me out and I look middle aged. I suppose my husband loves it. But I hate it. I don't want to settle for looking like an average middle aged woman. God, I can't stand looking so fat. I'm about 148 right now. And I range about 145 to 150. And I wanna get to 125 to 130 range. So 20 pounds. Doesn't seem like too much but trust me it's sooo hard!!I know first of all I need to burn some calories but it's so hard to burn energy that isn't there! And the food. I am so picky. And I really dislike fruits and veggies. So I'm certainly not going to start eating salads all the sudden. I like carbs. And junk. 

I'll figure something out.Ο0О。ο口口

Scared.

 I'm scared to death guys. I don't know what I am going to do if I don't pass my background check. I have nowhere else to go. No place to take my family. We can't afford this house on a minimum wage salary and I have no other options. What am I going to do with all of our stuff? What about My plants? What about Elliot? 

Where will he go? I don't know what I am going to do. Where are we gonna go? Where can we go? What am I gonna do? I'm terrified of what happens next.

Is this the end?

 I started new in New Hampshire. I left all the shit in Florida. Lots of bad shit. We had tough times there. 

Here I restarted my nursing career and left the drugs behind. I was finally able to get my family into a house for the first time in awhile. We had been evicted a couple times and lived with family and even lived in hotels a couple times. But I was finally getting it together and we got into a house of our own. One that was within our price limit that we weren't even going to have to struggle to make rent. We were gonna have plenty left over! So we could have our cell plans and buy groceries whenever we wanted to without even having to wait for pay day. 

Long gone are the days of counting our change for milk and gas. :) 

We've filled our house up with stuff. Since we had been evicted twice we really had nothing when we moved in here so we had to get all new everything. So we've filled our house to the gills with stuff. 

 That's our house. And considering that we have so much more stuff now that when we moved in I really hope not to move again anytime soon!

So, for my NH nursing license endorsement I need to have my fingerprints done. I've already had my county and state fingerprints done but Thursday I am scheduled to have my FBI fingerprints done. So I wonder how will my Florida arrest show up on the background check. Will I lose my nursing license? I'm scared to death right now. This is all I know. And this is the only way I know to support my family. I tried to be a server, and lets face it, I was lousy. I'm so nervous. 

I've tried to be so good. I've been clean. I follow up with my recovery center and my therapist so I stay clean. My kids are in therapy. I don't know when my family has been this stable and it's because of me! I was able to get us to this place. And I'm afraid I'm going to lose it all. I am trying to be optimistic but I have to be honest, even if my charges were dropped, my charges look pretty bad. And from what I've read the background check includes the arrest charges whether you were convicted or not.

Honestly I think I deserve this second chance. So if anyone reads this. Please give me some good vibes or something cause I could use them.

 

                                                                Joshua-----for smiles:)

The accidental cosleeper

I found this Blog entry from October 2015 and wondered why I never published it. So now it's out of order. It's waaaay out of order. I'm going to try to remedy that. 

It's all about Baby Joshua who is presently not a baby any longer. #sadface

First kid,  I read books and books and had magazine subscriptions about kids. During my pregnancy I drank protein drinks and ate fruits that I hated so I could be healthy.  I wanted to do everything right. Read with him all the time, teach him everything I could. I bought him the nicest, and ridiculously expensive, baby clothes. Fancy toys, museums, aquariums. Only the best for the health and well being of my kid. Unfortunately I ended up with some PPD that threw a wrench into my plans. But I tried.

Third kid, I am just trying to keep him from destroying himself or anything else of value that I possess. Any progress aside from that is just gravy.

This kid has been able to climb about everything and destroy baby gates. He dumps out toy containers so he can use them as step stools. Fragile he is not. Even if he was less than 5 lbs when he was born. He is muscular and big now.

I sure wish he would talk though. His speech is horrible. David and I joked we wouldn't teach this one to walk or talk. He has the walking and running thing down though.
Nearing 3 years old, he still does a lot of baby talk, most of which I don't understand. Dr. says that he'll eventually get it and gave me a referral for speech therapy, but I never did it. I thought I'd give Joshua some time. Most adults can communicate, so with that in mind, I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually. He responds fine so at least it's not a hearing problem.

Much to my husband's dismay, Joshua sleeps in my bed. This was not the plan. I tried to place him in the bassinet the first night home from the hospital, but he would cry immediately, and  I was soo tired. So very tired.
So I put my wee 5 lbs baby in my arms and we slept soundly. And he was so cuddly and snuggly. And it has continued. Every night. Some nights he starts out in his bed but doesn't last. I really don't mind him there. David does.

My main concern is the fact that he has been experiencing the terrible twos for round about three years now....so I am hoping for an end to it one day.

Does anyone even read this?

 I doubt anyone does. But I write in it every now and then, taking breaks years at a time.  The most interesting times of my life are the ones when I don't write in anything in here. Trust me on that one. The years when I struggle the most with life, with my worth, with my addictions, with my mental illnesses. Honestly, the times of my life when I have a little too much party in my system. 

But I don't document them in my blog just in case someone might actually read this one day. I have a lot of memories. Good ones actually. I had lots of fun. But I suffer from guilt because I hurt those I loved the most while I was having that fun. In some cases irreparably. Nobody remembers the many, many years that I sacrificed everything for everybody else. They just remember the couple years that I went off the rails to have fun for myself for once. Maybe it was out of control fun. I should have controlled myself better but I felt better than I had in my life!

I'll tell you what. For so long I've been living in a shell taking care of my kids at home ( and loving it) and taking care of patients at work( and loving it) . But I remained withdrawn staying "good" and proper for years hiding my drug problem. Then all at once My drug problem landed me with an arrest and in low wage jobs struggling to scrounge for quarters for gas and milk for the kids, getting evicted time after time because we couldn't afford rent. For the first time we had to live the poor life. And we lived that way for five years. Moving numerous times, moving the kids from school to school, living with family, living in hotels, almost living in the car. We very narrowly avoided that fate. 

I learned that poor people hang with other poor people. We hang together. And poor people are less judgy cause we've all been through some shit. Even now I'm careful who at work I tell about my past. In the nursing field the nurses and the LNAs  haven't been poor. They have their heads on straight or they wouldn't be in that field.

I feel a comfort around other poors that I don't have around other people. I'm not a good wholesome person. I feel like I have to put on an act around some people or they might see right through me and realize what I'm really all about. 

Anyway. The point is before I got way off track is that Ive been taking care of other people for so damn long and when I took care of myself for awhile suddenly I'm a horrible person. Maybe it was because it involved lots of sex and drugs. But honestly it was a good time. I met some great guys. Maybe that's why I feel so rotten. I feel like I should feel bad but I don't. I liked it. Ill live once. 

Anyway thats enough rambling nonsense for one day. 

Dreams

Lately I have the most bizarre dreams. I'm dreaming of my childhood...but things that never really happened. I guess the people and the surroundings are the same. But maybe I just long for home. Any home at this point. I don't belong anywhere.
I don't feel like I have a home right now. Maybe my dreams are trying to express that. I feeling of safety and security. And most of all warmth.

I never said I was innocent

Im certain that much of my poor choices result from my mental illness issues...or whatever causes my brain to think differently. Addiction isssues, emotional abuse, family dysfunction, whatever. It most likely goes back generations to some mental illnesses along the way.
It's actually sad that we have therapy and meds but not quite any cure for mental illness.

I'm miserable much of the time. I fake it to try to "fake it til I make it" sometimes without success, sometimes with success
But sometimes I fantasize about death. And one person who I used to talk to in depth about this stuff is no longer in contact with me due to to some personal issues on their end. So I'm extra lost. I mean nobody wants to talk about depression. People want to feel good right?
If I had a pile of drugs in front of me I'd take em all simply to feel better or die. It's whatever anymore.

New Hampshire

So we left our jobs and moved to live with David's dad. In New Hampshire. So I've experienced a wide range of emotions in the past couple weeks. And I'm still adjusting to leaving everything behind.
I didn't have much in Englewood but here I have less. LOL. not really. I'm still trying to find my place in this world. I'm still numb and I always want to cry. I've said goodbye to people I loved and people who loved me. And I'm thankful for internet access so I can talk to them.
But I miss everything I have ever known.

Pain

If I even tried to touch on what I have been through in the last few years it wouldn't even come close to telling my story but it involves legal issues, addiction, drugs, mental illness, abuse, infidelity, life, death, evictions, repossession, multiple jobs, poverty, homelessness, love, hate, and sex.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes me stronger but I just feel broken down. So broken. But honestly I gave up after my arrest. I've been existing since then. Mostly just feeling numb about the world.
Ive been trying my hardest to feel anything at all and having only some success. Sometimes the numbness is preferable to the emotional pain I feel for being a failure.
Sometimes I laugh and I love to joke around. My favorite people are those that make me laugh and smile. It's feels wonderful. But deep in my brain I'm always suffering to some extent. I try to suppress it, to ignore it. Or distract myself.

I know my kids would miss me and, damn, I love them more than anything but they deserve better than me.

But, goddamn, the pain can be unbearable.

Baby Bird

Joshua likes to pretend he is a baby bird. I'm, obviously, mommy bird. He snuggles with me and cheeps and tweets and occasionally stands up to flap his pretend baby wings.
When he's crabby I call him my baby bird and he cheers up.

edit...this is an old blog that I discovered under drafts so I decided to publish it three years after it was written.

Oy.

Sometimes I want to scream as loud as I can and throw things and punch things until either they break, or I break. 

Sometimes I want to sleep forever and ever.

Other times I feel nothing at all. UNcomfortably numb.

I assume I have lingered in a chronic depression for a very long time. Some days are okay and others, very bad. 

Sometimes I wish I had a visible physical ailment or a pain that I could just go have a tests done and once it was confirmed, I could receive the proper treatment. 

Mental illness is far more complex. Only I can describe my symptoms to someone else to give me treatment. But I have never been anyone else to compare my emotions to theirs. 

Maybe everybody feels this way and I am just more sensitive to it? I really doubt it. But it's hard to say how I feel is severe depression or minor or chronic. Maybe my anxiety makes it worse. Maybe I am just a worrywart.

Perhaps I am just a miserable person and that is my personality. 

Considering I love to laugh and have a wicked sense of humor, I don't think I am generally miserable. That wouldn't make sense.

I experience suicidal ideations every day. When I read an obituary or an article about someones death I feel envy. 

They don't have to suffer anymore. No more pain and anguish anymore. And most of all they are free from financial stresses. 

I have stated often that I would not be here if it weren't for my kids. They need me so I exist to care for them. David says he needs me too, but he could survive without me. It's the kids I worry about. And the cost for my funeral. That would be an extra burden on my family.

But, no worries, I am not going to die. If there is any higher being, I am sure they plan to punish me for whatever for as long as possible. I will probably suffer until I die of old age at 110, with my luck. 

I certainly hope not to live that long. Another ten years maybe and then I will be ready. Joshua will be 13 and the boys will be 18 and 21. 

I hear you saying, " goddamnit go to a freaking doctor already!!" 

But, and there is always a but, I have no transportation, and most importantly, no baby sitter for Joshua. 

I have no friends and no close family, at all. Not even one person. Except David and he works very early, until late. 

Each day is long and each day is, eh just another day. Another day in a wasted life. Another day. 

Joshua brings me sunshine where, otherwise, there would be none.

the days of whine and roses

Time is ticking down to when we have to be out of the house. We have  been doing plenty of cleaning and getting rid plenty of stuff.
Unfortunately, I am married to a pack rat/ hoarder/ slob, so to get him to part with some items are more than frustrating. He seems to have this idea that all this old junky nonsense might, one day, be worth something.
My amateur opinion of those items is that they will only be good to recycle. No fool would pay for his old junk.

Some of his crap we've been moving place to place and it just takes up space. He has boxes of t-shirts and hats he has memories attached to.

We hope to move to a local town until the end of the school years. But really aspire to leave the state eventually. I want my kids to get out of this nowhere town. Someplace with culture and entertainment. I've been trying to get out for my entire life. I hope I can do it.O:-)