Yoni

 By late February I was still living with my dad. That was soon about to change but I didn't know it yet. The tension in the house was ridiculous. I think everyone in that house was miserable. Maybe I was the least so, only since I was hardly there, between work, my group, court, probation check ins, AA and NA meetings and trying to meet guys. Maybe I was doing all I could to stay sane. David really was taking care of the kiddos though. I mean they are still alive and only two are currently in therapy. My dad, well, he was either working, at my moms, or drunk apparently. When he went to my moms he came home trashed. I always knew because he would get really, really quiet. Even if we were both in the kitchen he wouldn't say a word.  It was scary. And I knew how mad he was that I was in his house. He kept dropping hints about bringing Mamaw home and we thought he must be nuts to do that. I knew he was just hinting that he wanted us out. But we just didn't have anywhere to go yet! We had a house lined up and a down payment made but we still had to wait. And I told my dad that. We kept hoping he would let us stay just a little bit longer.....

So I had been talking to Yoni for awhile about meeting and we had both really been looking forward to it. We decided to meet in Punta Gorda downtown. Unfortunately the day came for us to meet and I was feeling rather depressed and hopeless for whatever reason. And then I went to the meeting place and he wasn't there. I was in a plaza in the evening all alone and I couldn't find who I was looking for. I remember thinking maybe I should just say "fuck it" and go home. I just wasn't in the right mind set. I ended up driving to a couple different places getting so damn frustrated. And he was getting lost because he wasn't familiar with the area. I ended up parking at Laishley Park and just told him I'd wait there and tried to give him directions. Thankfully he finally found me. 

He wanted to go somewhere for a drink first and Laishley Crab House was right nearby so we stopped in there. I think he was drinking whiskey or some hard liquor and I opted for a soda. I was a sober girl then, heck, I might as well be now. I still don't drink. We talked a bit, I was glad that he seemed very nice. We were making out by the time we got to the car. Yoni didn't waste time. He enjoyed kissing as much as I did and we did lots of it. We spent a total of five hours together in the back seat of my car. We would have crazy sex and then he would put his arm around me and I'd lean against him and we'd rest and talk and talk. 

Yoni was 25 years old and was from Israel. He had dark hair and dark eyes and was lovely to look at. He was actually married and had a couple kids back home.  But he had a business here. He goes to visit them. But I don't remember why he doesn't live there. He had been in the military. 

Anyway, He was fascinating. And when we were finished talking we would start kissing and then we would have sex again. And then rest some more and talk and talk. We did that three times. I could have spent the entire night with him. But my phone was blowing up and I knew I was in trouble. It was very, very late. Oh, but the night was so satisfying. 

When we had to get dressed he said, "Getting dressed is so sad!" And I felt that way too. I wanted to stay curled up in the backseat naked with Yoni. I was feeling like being a Tinder girl was so sad. Temporary connections are so sad.

Later I said, " Goodbye is so sad!" and he said " Not goodbye, until next time."

Aftermath: I follow Yoni on Instagram. I messaged him maybe a year ago, just a little small talk. He travels a lot and I kind of got the impression that perhaps I was one of many. Though he was one of many to me as well, I have encountered several men that were notable for me for whatever reason and he was one. 

Christopher

 One evening I was swiping through Tinder and I matched with 23 year old Christopher. He was in Naples so I figured my chances with him were slim. Too far away. But wait! He was willing to driving to South Punta Gorda. Hmmm. This might just work. Not too many guys were willing to drive that far for sex. 

Two hours later I met him behind the closed down supermarket ( I had forgotten how many men I had brought there!) He walked over to me and awkwardly introduced himself. He was Hispanic, originally from Honduras, and had these adorable dark brown curls. He was very cute but so shy. He was just so uncomfortable and awkward. Obviously I had to make all the first moves. I was getting used to it by now. But he got it going, just like riding a bike once you get started. 

But after we were finished he just kind of wandered off toward his car without even a goodbye.                  Awkward.

Aftermath: never heard from him again.

Brandon

 Brandon was 20 years old, He had blonde hair and a nice body and a big dick. I really don't remember much more about him. He was from Fort Myers so we met in South Punta Gorda and tried to go to the same closed down super market that Tom had showed me, that I had also brought Aras to. But this time there were cops cruising around and we didn't want any part of that. So we ended up in the far end of a Home Depot parking lot, that was open and fairly busy by the way. We parked our cars next to each other and he got in my back seat and went at it for maybe 10 minutes. It wasn't horrible for a quickie. Then Brandon got out and left. Never to be seen again. I usually would leave a message to all my guys afterward, thanking them and telling them I had fun. But before I had a chance to with Brandon- he had already unadded me from Snapchat. I wondered about that, he seemed cool. But I think goodbye cya later isn't Brandon's style. He got what he came for. 

Aftermath: never heard from Brandon again.

Harrison

 Harrison was 28 years old, he lived in Winter Haven but traveled with gun shows so when he was in Fort Myers he would show up on my Tinder. I don't think I was able to meet with him the first time he showed up on my Tinder but we kept talking and decided to meet when he was back in the area. I really liked him and thought we would have a good time. 

So we finally met, we had to just park in a dimly lit parking lot in Fort Myers and use the back seat. We had some great sex in that back seat though and Harrison was a great kisser. We stayed busy for a couple hours. At times having to open the back door because it got too hot in there. And he wanted to bend me over as well. It was probably past midnight at that point. We did lots of kissing and then he just held me. I didn't want to leave. I never turn down an opportunity to cuddle. We just enjoyed each other for hours and hours. And I had been having so many problems at home I was so starved for a man to hold me and just be kind to me . I just wanted to pretend that it would be okay. This wasn't the first time I enjoyed being held by a man and it wasn't going to be my last. I just wanted a man to be kind to me. I had hoped to see Harrison again but I never did.

Aftermath: Harrison and I continued to talk and send pictures for quite a while afterward until he said something pro-incest and it grossed me out and I just can't think the same way about him ever again. 

Mike

 Mike was in Bradenton. By this time I wasn't driving this far any more but I had been talking to Mike for awhile and we had been meaning to get together. So I went to his house. I remember actually feeling nervous with him. We talked for most of the time I was there and then as time was running out we went in and had a quickie. Not my favorite sex I  ever had. Mike wanted to make it a recurring thing but David threatened him for some reason and Mike told me to lose his number cause he didn't want to deal with the drama. 

Aftermath: never heard from him again

Cody

 I started taking to Cody one afternoon. He was going to get out of work in Sarasota and come right over to my house. Ok cool, I'll be waiting. I was nervous. I was going to sneak him into my dad's house and my dad was home. So I was going to have to hope that this guy's car goes unnoticed while he's here and I can get him in the door. I'm pacing the room waiting for the text that he's here. So finally I get the text, I go outside to meet him. I peek down the hallway to make sure my dad is occupied watching TV so I can let Cody in the door. I put my finger up to my lips so he knows to be quiet until we get to my bedroom. Cody has a security guard uniform on. He has dark hair and is pretty tall.

 He lays down on my bed. I get on top of him and start kissing him, he's kissing me. He was ready to go pretty quickly. He pulled down his pants to his knees. He didn't even get all the way undressed. I got started and moved around a bit and ---uh oh. He was done.  He looked sheepish and I was disappointed. He got up and got dressed and muttered something about "I'll text you." And I walked him to the door. 

Aftermath: He never texted me. I never heard from him ever again. 

Vlad

 I had attempted to meet Vlad one other time before but he didn't show up. But I gave him another chance. He was living out in the dorms on Boca Grand working at the Gasparilla Inn. Most of the people living at the dorms were from other countries here on special work visas but he lived in the states. He was born in Ukraine though. And he was a horrible alcoholic. I picked him up late, around 11PM and he brought a bottle of whiskey. He wanted to share but I was not a drinker. Sex with Vlad was really bad. Lots of sloppy, messy kissing and he had the most difficult time getting it up. Probably because he was drunk.  He finally was able to after a long time of unpleasant sloppy making out and he was done very quickly. Sigh. 

Afterward I brought him off the island to the store and then back to the dorms. He was actually nice when he wasn't trashed. But isn't that always the story. We chilled until midnight when it was his birthday and I kissed him and then I headed home. He ended up getting fired a couple days later for threatening someone at work. They kicked him out of the dorm and off the island and got him a hotel in Englewood until he could get a bus back to his home. He wanted me to stop by the hotel and I would have but I was working that day. I felt really bad for Vlad. I'm a fixer. I always think that I can fix messed up guys and Vlad was one messed up guy. I was convinced he just needed a friend. I'm foolish for thinking these things.

Aftermath: Never heard from him again

The crazy story of Daniel

 I kept track of every man, every name. Who cares about the first four. David was number 5. And Daniel was number 20. And there is a total of ##. So there is a long way to go.

I matched with Daniel on Tinder like most of the rest. The one pic was a distance pic so I swiped right. When he sent other pictures I learned that he was really not attractive. I feel ultra-shallow admitting that. But he was uber interesting to converse with. I had the greatest conversations with him. He made the most basic thing interesting. We could have real educated discussions and it was fascinating. 

He wanted to hookup but he made a deal with David. He was going to take David out first. So when Daniel came into town he found out from David what places had good wings and beer and they went out earlier in the evening and hung out together prior to Daniels hookup with me. They actually hung out for a couple hours. According to David, Daniel was about to change his mind but David told him to go ahead. So Daniel went to a park, the park that I had lost my virginity at actually. We wandered through the darkness, through the nature trail and to the wooden benches that still existed and sat there talking and talking. Daniel was such a joy to talk to. I told him I planned to document my experiences and maybe write a book one day and he encouraged it and hoped to read it. Oh, Daniel, please forgive me for saying you weren't typically attractive. You attracted me with your wisdom and your conversation. 

We had sex in the same place I lost my virginity. And I went over time as I usually do. So as we were driving back I saw David driving the opposite direction looking for us. He chased off many men with his crazy behavior. They were afraid of him. I did a lot of apologizing. Last I knew Daniel was going to travel to the other side of the world and live with some monks. 

Aftermath: I remember getting a message from him at some point that he had returned from living with the monks but I can't quite remember when that was. 

Martin

 I met Martin in January 2017.There wasn't much time in between each guy honestly. This first one was late August and here we are only in January.

David's mom died one month earlier. She had been in a nursing home for a little while prior to her death and right before she died her husband contacted David to come see her. She was in horrible shape. Cancer sucks. She had been so good to me after my arrest. When I was scared to death to go to court alone she went with me, even though she was obviously in pain. And early in my group meetings, on the one day of the week that I had court in the afternoon she let me come over to her house after my morning group meeting so I didn't have to waste gas going all the way back to Englewood and then back. She actually liked it. We would eat lunch together and watch afternoon judge shows and criticize everyone on the shows. We would talk and laugh like old friends. I got along very well with David's mom. I miss her very much. 

I had permission to meet Martin. I picked him up in Fort Myers at an apartment building that he had to sneak out of. I guess he had a girlfriend and he had to sneak away. I don't know the details and I didn't ask. Martin was Italian and admitted after I picked him up that he used Google Translate to communicate with me online but he actually spoke well enough to talk to me, I didn't have any problem understanding him. He wanted to head to Fort Myers Beach so I said sure. Actually not even realizing how stinking far Fort Myers Beach was from Fort Myers. It's a good 30 to 45 minutes out of the way. Martin was a very sweet guy and made me feel very comfortable. When we got to Fort Myers Beach we found it to be pretty busy, so we needed to find an out of the way parking lot where we won't be disturbed. We finally found one that wasn't as lit up as the others and didn't have any other cars parked in it. We had sex in the back seat on the car and I'm fairly sure that a few cars drove by and saw us and cheered us on even when we tried to duck down quickly. Afterward he took a picture of my ass for whatever reason and we made out against my car. Martin enjoyed making out and it was a lovely night for it. Then we walked out onto the beach and sat in the sand together and talked a bit. The moon above us was full and the beach was beautiful. So we kissed some more. We made out on the beach under a full moon, yes we did. It was sexy as hell. 

Martin was very affectionate and kept his hand on my thigh for the entire ride back to his place. I was sorry to see him go. 

Aftermath: I never heard from Martin again. 

Taylor

 We were still living at my dad's house at this point. We were all miserable. Where were the kids during all of this? They were all sleeping on a fold out sleeper bed in my dad's living room. And he hated it. They were too loud and too messy for him. I felt awful for my children. They were kids after all, of course they are going to be loud sometimes. But when I pretty much told my dad we needed to move in he said "I thought this was supposed to be my golden years to enjoy" or some stupid nonsense like that. Disregarding the fact that he moved back home in his 40s with his son and lived there for years while his mother more or less raised his son, while he spent every cent he had on " get rick quick schemes" that were all scams. But the difference is that my Mamaw is a wonderful woman that would do anything for another person. And he is not. He ended up kicking his daughter and her family out into the street with nowhere to go. We had a house waiting for us. We were just waiting for the tenants to leave. We just needed a few more weeks. And he kicked us out into the street. What kind of man is that? We were there six months. And it was awful. I realized my father is a horrible alcoholic. And his anxiety problems are worse than I can imagine. This guy needs medication.

So my outlet was the never ending line of men. And Taylor came over one night. We couldn't go in the house obviously so we just got in the back of the van parked in the driveway. Which was kinda tricky because Taylor was very tall so he was very squashed back there. We went at it for quite awhile, it wasn't really great sex though. At the end he requested a BJ and then he came in my mouth. I hate when that happens and I'm not expecting it. I don't enjoy the taste of cum. It's warm and mildly salty. I guess I've tasted worse things. 

Now I don't usually talk about penis size because that is something that a guy cannot help. I've had large guys and smaller guys, cut and uncut and I like them all the same. But Taylor had the most unfortunate penis, long and thin. Every time I would stroke it it would bend a little, even when completely hard. Giving him a BJ was like sucking on a straw. Poor Taylor. He will never please a woman with a thin dick. 

Actually when I moved to Englewood Taylor stopped by again and we had sex in the van again in the driveway. When we were finished he was so overheated he jumped out of the van naked to get some air. We were mortified that the neighbors would see since we were living in a duplex by that point. I think the second time was better than the first. Taylor had a nice body. 

Aftermath: Taylor is still on my Snapchat. I don't talk to him but I see his Snap stories and they are always highlighting something expensive. He apparently has lots of money. Or his parents do. He shows of his expensive sports car and his expensive Rolex watch with diamonds. I bet he's unpleasant to hang around with. Maybe he just shows off his money because he knows he has a skinny penis and he's overcompensating. Idk.

Jason

 Jason was in Fort Myers. I actually had permission to meet Jason. I probably got in trouble for going over time though. I always did. I had difficulty keeping it under an hour with some people. Jason had the unusual situation of living with his ex-girlfriend so he had to wait for her to be out to invite me over. Jason was a super great kisser. I could kiss this guy all day. But the sex didn't last very long. It was like, spectacular buildup for mediocre sex. 👎  I was out in under an hour. 

But the making out was so great that I thought I would like to give him another chance. It was about the same. There was another time that I made plans with him got all the way to Fort Myers and he texted me to cancel. ooooh that pissed me off. Nothing I hated worse was people that flaked on me. 

Plenty of times I had made plans with guys only to have them cancel that day or even while I'm on my way there.  Guys joke about the girls on Tinder wanting "no hookups" but there are plenty of guys that are the same way. They just don't put it on their bio. They want nudes and sexting but when it comes to actual hookups they get nervous and scared. That made me mad. Because I wanted hookups. Don't tease me. If you don't want to meet, that's fine but don't waste my time when I could be making plans with someone that will actually go through with it. Lots of guys flaked on me. Then years later they are all "I shoulda met you that day" Well too late now. 

Anyway, Jason only flaked the one time. It made me mad since I drove all the way to Fort Myers. That's a waste of time and gas for nothing. 

Another time David surprised me with a threesome. He had another guy come over while we were living at my dad's house. He blindfolded me and then the other guy kissed me.I didn't know who it was. David only told me that I had been with this guy before. And then David kissed me. And I took off the blindfold. And Jason was there. Now that was my only threesome and it was more complicated than I expected. I was trying to do a BJ over here while trying to move my pelvis for the other guy over there and I was afraid my coordination was so bad that nobody would be pleasured. David also ended up a little jealous because I did a lot of kissing with Jason. In the end we all had a good time. I hope. That was the last time I saw Jason. 

Aftermath: Jason sent me a message on Facebook maybe a year and a half ago. He had been trying to find me because he was hoping we could hook up. Aww, I had moved to New Hampshire by this time. We talked a little bit. I told him he was an awesome kisser. He thought I was, too. He was on my Facebook and he's not there anymore. 

Aras

 Aras. I would never forget Aras. He was a 27 year old student pilot from Turkey. He was also married. His wife was a gynecologist back in Turkey and he used to work in computer programming or software or something. In any case, he made some money but always wanted to fly airplanes so he saved up and came here to learn how to fly. He was living in Lakeland but he would fly into Punta Gorda Airport to get flying hours. Which is how he showed up on my Tinder. 

David allowed me to meet Aras. I didn't even have to sneak to meet him. He got to be my guy of the week. Part of the deal with David was that the "guy of the week" had to be a hit it and quit it. No repeats. He didn't want me developing relationships with any of these men. Reasonable request, right? 

So I drove to the airport to meet Aras when he flew in. I had never been to the airport so I didn't know if I was supposed to go in or wait outside. Anyway, the day was so freaking hot that I kept the air conditioning on and was listening to music while I waited.  My mistake was that I didn't have the car engine on. So by the time Aras showed up my battery was dead. Oh just perfect! I'm in a parking lot in an airport I don't know with a guy I don't know trying to ask strangers to jump start my car. I look like a damn fool. I was sure Aras was regretting wasting his time and effort flying to me. So we get the car started thanks to a kind stranger and off we go. Aras wanted to stop and get a soda. We stopped at nice restaurant in Punta Gorda and drank soda and shared a piece of cake while we got to know each other. 

Part of David's rules were No dating and here I was clearly sitting at a restaurant sharing a delicious piece of cake with a handsome man. I decided I might leave this part out when I tell David what happened today. 

We drove to the same closed supermarket that Tom had showed me and we parked in the back. He leaned over to kiss me and then we got in the back seat. Sex with Aras was amazing. Even in the confines of the backseat of my car. He was beautiful and it was beautiful and I felt fulfilled. I brought him back to the airport and we kissed goodbye. We had no intention of meeting again. This was supposed to be a one and done. 

Don't ta know we met again four days later. I felt like I had a connection to him somehow. And oddly enough, he said the same thing. We went to the same place and had more amazing sex. This time was different. It was more passionate and sweet, he kept looking into my eyes during it. Like staring right into them and telling me I was beautiful and would brush my cheek with his hand. Lots of soft kissing like he was loving me. I still remember his looking at me like that, so sweet and kind. 

There had been so much fighting and arguing at home with David and tension with my dad, I guess I was so desperate for a man to be kind to me. The feeling was wonderful. For a few moments I felt safe and secure with Aras. I was happy. He was one I would have fallen in love with. Easily. But Aras and I were on a time limit. That was part of David's deal. I was only supposed to spend an hour with whatever guy I was with. And Aras and I went over time by quite a bit. We were too busy prolonging our time together. David kept calling and texting and calling and texting. It really ruins a moment when your husband is trying to ruin your hookup date. I was ignoring the calls. 

We eventually realized I should probably go. I answered the phone and David was really mad. It seemed he usually was. He didn't want me to meet Aras anymore. We spent too long together. He was feeling threatened. So he sent a threatening message to Aras. And Aras decided that it would be best if we don't meet again. Besides he had all of his flying hours anyway so he wouldn't have any reason to come this way. I was crushed. And I was angry at David. David always has to ruin anything good I ever had in my life. Why couldn't David just let me do what I want and let me be happy sometimes? David was always grumpy. For years he'd been grumpy it seemed. And I liked meeting guys from Tinder that were nice to me, even if it was fake nice for sex. because men in my life weren't nice to me. My dad and David were always grumpy toward me. 

I brought Aras back to the airport and off he went. I watched him until he was out of sight. I was sad. I was glad I got to meet him in this life. And I feel horrible that things ended badly. I hope Aras forgives me for the complications that I brought to his life. He just wanted sex, he didn't need some crazy husband threatening him. My heart hurt after Aras and I cried about him. He was special and amazing and I hope he has incredible life. I like to think he'll remember me.

Aftermath: None. Never heard from him again. 

Zach

 Yes, another Zach. This is the last Zach I promise. I bet you can't guess how many Matthews are on my list. I've only introduced one so far. We shall call him Zach from Venice. 

Zach from Venice was 23 and visiting his parents. I guess his parents were from Venice. He was from Tampa. That's where he went to college. So one lovely, sunny day I decided to take a drive to Venice. David had GPS on me this time. He caught me in Venice and he was angry! So instead of enjoying my adrenaline rush about meeting a new guy, David was going to ruin it with an argument. Grrrrr, How irritating! Obviously he's my husband but I wish he would just let me have my way with these younger guys and then I just go on my way. It's not like I'm going to marry them. geez. I wish he'd stop fighting me and just let me do what I want. 

  You see I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too. I wanted the love and stability of a man at home but I also wanted to be able to go fuck twentysomethings whenever I want without any repercussions. And I had it bad for the twentysomethings. David was fighting me the entire way. I proposed an open relationship. He could have any girl he wanted as well. So we agreed. For one year I could have one guy a week approved by him, and condoms must be used. It sounds pretty basic but I wasn't really strict about the condom use thing. 😶 You see, my tubes were tied so I couldn't get pregnant so I certainly wasn't worried about that. And I guess I wasn't worried about any diseases. I was hooking up with clean guys in their twenties, it's not like they were scruffy guys from a biker bar. Yes, I am seriously a nurse. And yes, I know STIs can be carried by anyone no matter what they look like. But I wasn't really concerned. I would ask "Are you clean?" and they would say yes so that was good enough for me. Anyway, David ended up letting Zach be my guy of the week since I was almost there anyway.

Zach's parents had a nice place. I don't remember if he was outside waiting for me or if I had to go to the door but I was very happily surprised to find that Zach was way hotter than his pictures. His hair was dark brown and his eyes were a beautiful blue. And he looked very fit as well.  He brought me to a back room where we sat on a loveseat sofa thing and talked a little bit. He thought I was very attractive and he was very nervous because I was an older woman. Zach was shy and I found it very endearing. I get nervous too when it comes to the first move. Usually the guy does it but sometimes I have to show a young man what I can really do. So I kissed him. After the first kiss everything is always ok. I can take it from there easily. I kiss, and kiss some more then I climb on top of him and straddle him while I kiss his face and neck and whatever. I'm sure I did this to Zach. It's my favorite move. And guys seem to enjoy it. We had some good sex, Zach and I. I helped him get past his shyness. And his body was very, very nice. Zach was sweet. 

Aftermath: Never saw him again. But we follow each other on Instagram. 

Zachary S.

 Zachary was a server at Longhorn Steakhouse in Port Charlotte much to David's dismay. David wanted to try that place and we were never able to since I hooked up with a server from there. 

Anyway, back in 2017 when I met Zachary we couldn't afford to go out to eat anyway. I was working at The Pink Elephant making 10 bucks and hour and David was working out on Palm Island or was it Grand Villa by this point? Neither David nor I were having great luck with jobs. I had gotten fired from Palm Island for starting some drama with a coworker and taking a picture of myself in a unit and posting it on Facebook and David got fired from the same place, well they accused him of bringing beer to work or drinking on the job or something. Funny thing is that he worked with a guy who was a legit alcoholic who would drink all day long, and they never said a word to that guy. They just wanted a reason to fire David. Maybe for leaving work in the middle of the day to catch me meeting guys. David was obsessed with catching me in the act. He was constantly logging into my Snapchat on his phone, trying to find out where I was. He probably lost a few jobs due to his obsession with me.

So, thankfully, Zachary lived in North Port so I didn't have to go far! I finally found someone local. I was nervous pulling up to his house. I always was. I mean, you don't really know what kind of situation you are going to find yourself in when you are hooking up with Tinder guys. They might seem nice through text but in person they could be totally different. But that is what I loved about it! The uncertainty and the mystery. The making plans with strangers, even the sneaking around. The adrenaline rush was amazing! That's why I did all this. For the adrenaline rush. I like to say I am dopamine deficient and adrenaline feels like a dopamine release ( I just read that online, so it must be true) so addicts look for that pleasurable feeling and this was how I got my kicks without drugs.

I was so glad that Zachary was super nice and friendly right away. He brought me to his bedroom and I remember sitting on the bed next to him talking for a bit before either of us made the first move. But once we got started we didn't stop. For and hour and a half. We did everything and anything. This position and that position and moved all different ways. I could hardly breathe by the time we were done. I do a lot of mouth breathing during sex so I ran out of air. Holy crap. We were so sweaty and sticky and messy. Wow. We were a mess by the time we finished. Zachary was so much fun! Then he got me a drink of water which I needed very badly. And we sat and talked a while just calming down from our sex marathon while we drank our water. Then we took turns in the shower to wash up. Then I got dressed and went home. I definitely rate Zachary a 10. We had a blast. He impressed me for a 26 year old. I later discovered I lost my nose piercing in his bed, I wonder if he ever found it.

Aftermath: Unfortunately I never heard from him again. At the time this happened David was really cracking down on my Snapchat and was doing a fair amount of deleting guys so I wonder if Zachary was deleted or blocked by David. 😒 David was my #1 cockblocker. 

Tom

 By the time I met Tom I was living at my dad's house. We had been evicted from the house in Rotonda because we couldn't afford it and lost all our belongings, books, furniture, everything. We still look for things now and when we can't find them wonder if we lost them in the eviction. They weren't able to pile our stuff at the roadside for us to go through so they donated or recycled everything. I tried going to the local thrift stores but never found any of our stuff. I was mostly concerned about our books. We had so many good books. And all the boys stuffed animals, gone. And their toys, too. It's hard to start over from nothing. My dad was more or less pissed off that we were living at his house so the tension you could cut with a knife. And David and I were having issues because I kept meeting guys.  And I was depressed and miserable about my situation and I couldn't even do drugs about it because I had to stay clean for my program so that's why I was screwing around. 

Tom's picture on Tinder was only his body so I took a risk with it. Many times, after him, I learned that usually means they are ugly. But I was a rookie at this point. So Tom and I had been talking off and on, sexting usually. He had a girlfriend so he would send messages at odd times. One afternoon I was hanging at home alone and he messaged me about meeting up. I said I would love to but it really sucks that I'm on my period. He's like aren't girl's more horny on their period? or something like that. He said he didn't mind. He's had sex with girls on their period before. So I agreed to meet him. I was so nervous thinking that it was David trying to set me up to catch me cheating, so Tom sent me a picture of himself driving to ease my mind. 

I met him some place in South Punta Gorda and I was so glad to discover that Tom looked really good! The only reason he didn't show his face on Tinder was because he had a girlfriend, definitely not because he was unattractive. We walked a ways along a sidewalk along an access road and then ended up ducking behind a barbed wire fence trying to find a secluded place behind some bushes or some trees. I mean we were desperate. We finally found a place and we stood there facing each other and he was so nervous, it was cute. I had to kiss him first. But once I got him started it was all good from there. I got right down on my knees in the dirt and gave him a BJ. And then I stood up pulled my pants down and bent over right there behind the bushes on the side of the road while he fucked me from the back. And I loved it. When we were finished and I tried my best to put myself all back together, I saw what a mess I had made of this poor guy. His dick and groin area were covered in blood! I was mortified. And I felt horrible for him. I apologized profusely and I told him that I could clean him off at my car because I have some paper towels. But he didn't take me up on my offer. He was ok with it. But I thought at least I won't see him again right? I was wrong

The next time we met Tom told me about an old closed Sweet Bay supermarket parking lot that we could go to. He said we could meet and park in the back. I got there and Tom was ready to go. He hopped in my car and we had the hottest sweatiest quickie. Damn it was sweet. And he kisses so good. And then off he went. I still to this day know very little about Tom. Maybe his name isn't even Tom, he never gave me a straight answer about that. He works as a security guard and he has a girlfriend and he is in an unhappy relationship. And he told me not to get attached.

Last time I met Tom I was out with David, we were going to go behind the closed Sweet Bay store where we were going to do nefarious things but Tom called while we were on the way there, so David let me have the quickie with Tom. David took a walk while Tom drove over. Tom was nervous David was around but he was long gone by this point. Tom was already hard when he got in the car. He was ready for me. It was hot, and it was quick. And he was gone. And I never saw Tom again. Not that he wouldn't love to see me. Tom was a cool guy and the sex was superb. 

Aftermath: Tom and I never lost contact. He still sends me messages and dick pics almost every day. I just send him nudes regularly and he always tells me how hot I am and I appreciate the compliments. I probably don't respond to his messages like I should but he always just wants to know when I'll be coming back to Florida and he likes to tell me how much he came to my pictures that I sent. Four years later and he still likes to reminisce about our few hook ups. I guess I made an impression on this 25 year/old guy. 

Chris

 I was hanging with my friend Jen and she said she would cover for me if I wanted to go somewhere, so I took her up on it.  

Chris and I had been talking a for a couple days, he had a girlfriend so he could only talk at certain times but he wanted to meet up. I went over to his apartment and first of all, Chris was very good looking, I was very happy with what I saw. But he answered the door in a yeti suit. Like a furry yeti suit with ears and stuff but he had the top part down around his waist so he was walking around with furry pants. Anyway, bizarre. He also was not friendly at all. Usually guys are nice, make some small talk, but not Chris. He's also the first (and last) man that refused to kiss me. I should have left then. But it would have been a waste of a drive. I'm thinking, how am I going to get into it without any kissing? Chris wanted a BJ, He forced my head down on him, very uncomfortably, repeatedly until I was gagging and choking. 

I don't understand why guys do that to girls from Tinder. Do you have an anger issue you need to get out? Why did you want me to come here if you are going to treat me bad? Wtf? 

After the BJ he didn't want to have sex with me but I wasn't going to fall for that shit again. I insisted that he had to have sex with me before I left. I came for one thing and I was going to get it. So he did. And it was horrible sex. With his yeti suit on. Chris was a jerk. Fucking asshole.

Aftermath: nothing, thank god. Chris can eat a dick and like it. What was with that outfit?

Stay tuned...my stories get happier

Christopher and David the Virgin

I didn't have sex with every guy I met up with. My primary objective meeting them was always sex but sometimes they fooled me. It only took a couple of those meet ups to learn my lesson. I started telling men what I wanted before I met them, sort of like ordering a meal at a restaurant. "I'm looking for a hook up, no violence, no butt stuff and kissing is mandatory" I didn't ask for much. There were also some guys that met me also looking for a hookup but didn't complete the mission. I have five guys I listed as makeout partners that didn't finish. I don't recall if they were unable to perform or they changed their mind. Oh well, their loss. These two I am discussing here though are the ones that fooled me. 

Christopher-He had an apartment in Riverview. He worked at a bank, on the way to his place he called me and rambled on for thirty minutes about how he hated his boss. Great. I could care less dude. I got to his place and I see his car is a BMW. I get to door and the guy who answers the door is definitely not the guy in the tinder pic. He's unattractive to me, but he looks clean and I came a long way so...He's very well dressed ,wearing an Armani belt. We made out heavy until it was clear that he wanted me to go down on him. Okay, not my first rodeo, so I start thinking this is just the precursor to sex but he keeps pushing my head down farther and farther not letting me come up for air until he came in my mouth. I'm pissed at this point. I don't like how this guy is treating me at all. He wanted me to come back the next day for sex. I was angry and I let this guy know it. I came for sex and he didn't give me what I wanted so NO WAY would I ever be back. I'm sure he could care less. He's gonna keep catfishing girls and forcing them to blow him. I hope they are smarter than me and leave his ugly ass once they realize they've been catfished.  Asshole.

David the Virgin- David was 24 years old and apparently a virgin. I don't know if he told me why. He wanted to meet up and he wasn't even sure what he wanted. I was hoping to take his virginity since I had never done that before. But David was kinda meek and nervous. He was kind of a mystery I suppose. For being a virgin, he was an excellent kisser and his fingering game was on point. Those fingers were magic. We did some heavy making out and he pulled his shorts down and wanted me to tell him if his erection was a good size. It was. But he wouldn't have sex with me. I left David very turned on and frustrated. I wrote in my notes that I hope he doesn't feel shame because of what we did together. I can't remember why he would feel shame. I didn't do anything to poor David that he didn't want to do. I think he just was waiting for a special person to take his virginity. Not a Tinder girl. But maybe he was playing me? I don't know.

aftermath: none, never heard from either again. 

Zach S.

 The day before Thanksgiving I believe, 2016, is when this took place. I never recorded dates but I always remember this was right before the holiday. I took quite a risk that day.

 I was working as a hostess at a pretty posh restaurant on Boca Grande called The Pink Elephant. I had a pretty good deal but the pay sucked. Ten bucks an hour to deal with a lot of headache on busy nights, boredom on not so busy days. I got to wear a cute black dress that I looked pretty good in and I also got my tolls paid, which was 6 bucks each time you cross the bridge so pretty sweet. I could use it even when I wasn't working so I could chill at the beautiful beach for free. Sometimes on break I would sit at the beach and just watch the waves. Man, I loved it out there. 

Anyway, They changed my schedule on the day before Thanksgiving so I got out of work several ours earlier than I was supposed to. Well, deviant as I am used this as an opportunity to get some dick. I didn't tell my family that my schedule changed and I drove from Boca Grande all the fuck to Naples to meet this guy Zachary. The adrenaline was flowing the entire drive thinking "WTF am I even doing?" I knew if I got a flat tire or the car broke down I would be fucked and in a bad, bad way. 

I found his apartment and I text him from the parking lot and he comes out to meet me. Zachary was very cute, I'll give him that.  He had told me he had a roommate but he more or less snuck me into his bedroom. So while I was there I was questioning the roommate thing thinking , OMG he lives with his parents doesn't he? Why else would he sneak me in? Then we had sex with the dog in the room, maybe on the bed? And I'm trying to get into it and he's covering my mouth saying ,"Shhh, don't make any noise" It didn't last very long, maybe 15 minutes, and then he wanted to cum on my boobs. I let him. It was messy and pointless. Then I redressed and he had to sneak me back out of his room and his apartment. Definitely a weird experience. 

I felt unsatisfied considering how far I had driven so I tried to hit up another guy I knew in Naples named Jeremy, but Jeremy was at the gym or something so my risky trip to Naples was not worth it. I never made another trip to Naples. As time went by I found what I was looking for closer to home.

Aftermath: Nothing. never heard from that guy again. But Jeremy still sends me weird drunk messages on Snapchat sometimes.

Carl

 During this time I was attending my mental health court as required by the court to help me stay clean. And in that class I made lots of great friends. It was nice to have friends that were like me, addicts. I could relate to them and not feel ashamed of what I am and what I've been through. None of us were rich or entitled. We were all the same, struggling one day at a time to stay clean and stay out of jail. One friend I made was Myriah. She was the closest of my friends in the group. Most likely because she didn't have  car and needed rides places, but she gave me gas money and we had a good time so I didn't mind. Sometimes she would introduce me to her friends and sometimes we would go to AA meetings and NA meetings together. One day she asked if would pick up a friend of hers to go to the Saturday Port Charlotte beach AA meeting. He was living at a sober house not too far from my house so I said sure, why not. That's how I met Carl.

So we all go to the meeting. Of course nobody ever pays attention at the beach meeting. Since it's so well attended there is a large crowd of people so you can't hear what is being said, all you hear is wind and waves. Not too shabby. You still get credit for being there. Well, I notice Carl keeps checking me out and he's not being shy about it. He's kinda looking at me, ya I know what he wants. But I'm not sure what the relationship is between him and Myriah, you know? I know Myriah has been looking to get some but I don't know if she has someone in particular in mind. I don't know. But Carl isn't really checking her out. He's looking at my boobs, not hers. Carl looks to be in his twenties, just like I like my men. And he's not bad to look at. All this stuff is going on in my mind during the AA meeting.  I am completely not getting anything from the meeting, though I never do. I'm usually too busy making hook up plans or Snapchatting on my phone under the table.

So Myriah tagged us both in a post on Facebook and he friended me and we started talking. We chatted for a couple days and then we decided to go to an NA meeting together, just him and I. Then we got food and then I brought him home. We sat in the car for little bit talking and then I said ( don't even laugh) " Want me to come in? I know you want to do me." He seemed a little surprised. Or maybe he was trying not to laugh at my lame pick up line.

Anyway we went in the house and I sat on the couch while he cleaned the house or something. I'm ready to have sex and this guy is doing the dishes and cleaning up. But now that I think of it, it was his sober house so maybe it was his assigned duties or something. Anyway. After forever, we finally went to the bedroom.

 We did a lot of stuff Carl and I. All different positions and different ways, we went at it for an hour and a half!  I had a superb time with that guy. It was worth waiting for him to clean the house for real. We were sweaty and sticky and messy. You know that's a sign that you've had excellent sex. It may sound gross, but I speak the truth.

About a year later I see him riding a red crotch rocket through Englewood and he looked pretty nice on it. He was next to me at the stop light and opened the visor so I could see him. I smiled and waved. I pulled into a gas station and he did also to say hello. Just a little small talk, I told him I had moved from Port Charlotte to Englewood and he was in Englewood ,too. So he was gonna message me sometime, cool, cool. So He came over to my house in Englewood one day and we chatted like old friends, it was really nice. Carl is a very cool guy. And we banged for over an hour  like the first time, it was just as great, just as fun. If you're looking for a decent sex session that is high quality and fun, I know a guy..

Aftermath: Hey what do ya know? I received a Facebook message from Carl just last week which was really neat because the stuff that happened in these paragraphs occurred probably three years ago at least. He said he always liked me. I'm flattered I made an impression on him. We just chatted about stuff. I guess he's been in jail for drugs but he's currently on house arrest and getting to the end of his term or whatever.  I think Carl is genuinely a good guy with addiction issues. I hope he can stay clean and make something of his life. I hope we keep in touch. 

Current Events: COVID and Girl Lessons

 What is going on anymore? Joshua has COVID and it's breaking my heart. He's coughing constantly and he's had a fever for days. The poor guy refuses to take anything for it though. At least the fever isn't high. But he has to stay home until November 3rd, after Halloween. I think it's about ten days. Ans David is home also because of his exposure to Josh's COVID. And honestly I should be home, too, but I really need to work so I being very careful not to catch it and I'm crossing my fingers and hoping my vaccination works.

 Jackie is still in school because she is fully vaccinated but Sean is not because he opted not to get the shot and he is pissed off about it. They have both been tested and they are both negative but Sean can't go back to school until the 5th. Apparently Samantha told him some shit conspiracy theory that the COVID vaccination could change your DNA and can make a man sterile or some bull shit so Sean wouldn't take it. She's a fucking twit. I got my COVID booster shot yesterday and I just hope I don't get it. I just can't. I don't want to be sick. Besides I am so fearful of dying from it.  

This entire COVID stuff has be completely stressed out right now. It's all over New Hampshire right now. I'm just going to have to be extra careful, I guess.

I keep trying to think of ways I can help Jackie learn to be a girl. I'm not very good with girl lessons. I never really learned very well myself. I'm trying to learn makeup a bit better. But today she showed me that she shaves half her eyebrows off and I'm trying to understand why. I told her she could tweeze them to be more thin or draw them on. But she likes them half  shaved. I think this weekend we will go try on some clothes and work on sizing. She talked to the Dr. about hormones recently so I should be getting a call regarding that. Oh my, life is very interesting for my dear Jackie. But she's so happy now. I love it and I love her.

Pedro

 One weekend morning I convinced my family that I was going to go to an AA meeting in another town for something a little different. I was actually going to see Pedro. 

He was waiting outside to greet me. I remember that Pedro was a genuinely great guy. I told him of my cover story and that I was going to have to hang for an hour and he was fine with that. 

There was lots of kissing , he was a great kisser, And I guess he was a builder of some type because he had a very nice and fit body. I enjoyed that body very much. Very, very much. As I recall the sex was quite satisfying. I have no complaints about Pedro. Afterward he showed me around the yard and we talked about our lives. He was from Brazil, but he also lived in Germany and then he moved here. Sounds like a fun life to me, moving all around the world, meeting all kinds of people. He was easy to talk with and made me feel very comfortable. 

After the hour was about to come to a close and I had to head home he kissed me goodbye. It was meant to be a brief kiss but it got a little hot and heavy and we had to move it back to the bedroom while I was saying "But I really should goooooo----ok ok real quick!"  Nothing like a sweaty little quickie to say goodbye. We didn't want to stop kissing!!💋 I could have stayed all day. Unfortunately, I never met up with Pedro again.  

Aftermath: He's on David's Snapchat last I knew, some how, and I don't contact him but I've seen his Snap stories and last I saw he was in Canada and he has a super cute girlfriend and they look so happy! I'm so glad for him. Pedro was a sweet guy, I hope he has a good life.

Matt M

 I'd been talking to Matt for weeks trying to set something up. He was just so far. I was in Englewood and he was in USF housing all the fuck in Tampa. And I had no job.  

We finally worked something out. He was going to throw some gas money my way to drive up to see him one afternoon so we set a date. Me and my trusty GPS headed north on the interstate and hoped I didn't get lost or even worse, break down. I just hoped it wasn't far off the interstate because I didn't feel like driving all through Tampa to get to this dorm or whatever. Yes, I was going to meet a college student at his college housing. Thankfully nobody else was going to be there.

I got there finally, didn't even get lost, I was proud of myself. He let me in his apartment and brought me to his room and we laid down on the bed. This guy clearly wasn't messing around, he was getting straight to business. He wanted a BJ. 

God I hated those and I didn't even want to do them on my own husband but I figured that if I was going to be meeting guys regularly I was going to have to suck it up. ha ha. Pun intended. But I promised myself I was NOT going to meet guys to give them BJs. Hell to the no. I'll start it that way. But I demand some sex in return. Unfortunately a couple guys in the two years ended up finishing too quickly from the BJs and never reciprocated. And I let them know I was not pleased and I would not be coming back to them. 

Anyway I got Matt started per his request and then we had some sex. I'm not sure it was anything too impressive. But I remember him requesting " Make sure you don't get anything on my sheets!" and then getting pissed when I did. You didn't exactly offer me a towel bro, are you new to sex? What did you think was going to happen. wtf. And then saying " You can hang for a little bit but I have homework to do." Um ya don't think I'm here to chill with your winning personality Matt? Hmm, He seemed really cool through all those texts but turns out he's just a regular college bro douchebag. And he only gave me $17 of the $20 he said he was going to give me for gas. Fuck you, Matt. Oh ya, I already did. And I won't be making that mistake again. 

Aftermath Matt actually contacted me again through Snapchat five years later. I told him he was kind of a jerk and he apologized using the excuse that he was a stupid college kid. He likes me to send him nudes on occasion now but he has to unadd me every day so his gf doesn't see that he doesn't have me on his Snap so every single day I see  " Matt M added you" on my Snapchat. lol. It's funny that guys remember me after all these years.  

Hunter P.

A different day, a different adventure! After my morning court ordered mental health court meeting I opted not to go with he others to the afternoon AA meeting in Charlotte Harbor. Nah, I had plans. This time I told one of my friends where I was going so at least one person knew where I was in case I suddenly went missing. 

This time I was going to Fort Myers and it was a beautiful day. I remember that. He lived in the downtown area in an apartment so I was supposed to wait on a bench on a certain road near his place and wait for him. He was meeting me on his lunch break. 😊 I was very nervous wondering if he was watching me from the bar across the street or from a window from one of the apartments above me. As each person walked past I waited for someone to make eye contact with me. What if he didn't recognize me? 

But there he was. Tall and thin, very nice looking blonde man coming toward me with his bright orange work vest on. Nobody could make that vest look as good as he did. 

I don't even remember how he greeted me. I think he just said my name. I smiled. He had a little bit of a southern drawl which isn't usually my thing but on him it just made him more perfect. His apartment was nearby so we walked there making easy small talk about my drive. He told me I looked even better than my pictures. Honestly I ended up getting that compliment often. I told him he did , too. His pictures didn't show how blue his eyes were. They were beautiful. 

I think once in the room we just got on the bed and got down to business. No time to waste when you're on your lunchbreak. It took him a little bit to loosen up. He was so nervous with me. It was adorable. But I showed him the way. No need to be nervous with me. Just like riding a bike. Just get started and go to it. I'm just like every other girl. Just older than he's used to. Those young guys always wanted to impress me since I was an older woman and I like to think I put them at ease. I just want to have a nice time. Nothing fancy. He was good. Certainly not too shabby for a 21 year old guy. I had a lovely time with a great guy. 

Aftermath:  We tried to get together another time after that but he had to cancel last minute. But we stayed in contact on Snapchat and I sent him pictures for the longest time. He's in the military now, who knows where he is. But I'll always remember those blue eyes. 

1-7-22 - I got a message from Hunter a month ago and we chatted a little bit. He's overseas in the Middle East somewhere. I sent him some pics and he seemed to be very thankful. But then he disappeared from my Snapchat again.  🤔 I don't know if David unadded him or what. David is always fucking with my Snapchat.

Let's take a moment to interrupt this flow...

 I was reading some of my old blogs from years ago and I was so stressed out about money all the time. And about having two wee little boys also. And having a crazy drunken family. Well, life is easier now that Sean is a teen. Even though he's an angry teen. And Seth, well, Seth is Jackie now, my daughter. I never thought I would have daughter but here I am. Her hair is long and curly and wavy and she asks me to help her with her eye makeup. I really have to help her learn some girl stuff, like underarm shaving and leg shaving and lip gloss. And we still need to buy some girl clothes for her. Just when I need a mall there isn't one. THERE ISN"T A MALL ANYWHERE! How am I supposed to help my daughter try on clothes? She doesn't know what fits and what doesn't.

 It's also different having a member of my family as a member of the LGBTQ community because sometimes people don't generally know it and say some stupid shit until I correct them and tell them my daughter is trans. But I just educate them a bit and sometimes that's all it takes. People are more accepting here than in Florida. There were a lot of very conservative folks in the south that didn't like people different than them. The high school has a very progressive transgender student policy and I am very happy about that. Jackie is officially Jackie on all the school records now. And she is happy. Very happy. I love her.

Joshua is my BFF. We hang together often. He's my sunshine and I just love him. He's in 3rd. grade now but we like to take walks together and go have adventures together. 

I passed my FBI background check for my New Hampshire nursing license and that is proof that I have been redeemed from all the shit that I have done. The arrest, the drugs, The mental health court. I paid my fines. All the shame. The loss of friends that I worked with. The loss of my identity. I never thought I'd ever be a nurse again. I thought that my career was off the table for good. If anyone knew my story there is no way they would want me working at their facility. I was led out of my place of employment in handcuffs in front of all my patients. I spent a year in a deep depression. I never thought I'd find my way back. 

 But I passed it. And it makes me think of this line from The Shawshank Redemption....  

"Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side."

Because that's what I did. I crawled through a river of shit, evictions, homelessness, repossessions,  living in hotels, marijuana, oxycodone, cocaine, so much cocaine, promiscuity, poverty, drunkenness, I destroyed relationships with my family. David hurt relationships with his family, My dad kicked us out of his house, I got fired from so many jobs, David got arrested for strangling me after he found me fucking a 25 year old man at our house while he was at work, we had an open relationship that lasted over a year and  David's mom died. All in about three years. Then when I snorted all our money we moved to New Hampshire because we had burned all of our other bridges and we needed somewhere to stay because we were broke and homeless. 

On a whim I applied for a nursing job at the urging of David's dad I applied at the Morrison. I was hired immediately. After I got my Multistate license in order I was good to go. I was still using the fingerprints from Florida from before my arrest so I figured I was ok for awhile. The Morrison gave me 25.00 an hr. so I figured I hit the jackpot! I'm able to pay the bills with plenty leftover for whatever. We don't have to count change or even have to check the bank balance before going to the grocery store! I can buy clothes or shoes for the kids whenever. I'm finally living well and comfortably.

 Eventually I had to change my license over from a Florida to a New Hampshire license which required me to redo my fingerprints. I've had anxiety regarding my fingerprints for five fucking years. But no escaping it now. But after three months of waiting it went through. I passed. I'm clean as a whistle. So to all of my family or whomever that was ashamed of me or thought  I was going to be a loser forever, guess what. Nope.  I'm not wealthy but I have everything I need and more. So I'm doing just fine in these mountains. 

                                                                                                                                                                 

The First One

 So I set up the hookup. I was nervous as hell but I promised myself I wasn't going to back out. After my mental health court meeting I headed out. I didn't tell anyone what I was going to do. I was going to drive to Lakeland and meet him at this hotel he was staying for his work. In my future meetups I started telling my mental health court friends in case something happened to me. I was between jobs at this time so he said he'd give me twenty bucks for gas since I was driving to him. 

So the adrenalin was flowing but I wasn't as scared as I should have been. It didn't even enter my head that he might kill me or anything. I mean I was going to have sex with a guy I never met before so what could happen, right? So I got to the hotel. Now I was getting really nervous. I was thinking, should I leave? What if he didn't look like his picture? I drove past some of the rooms looking for the number I needed thinking he was probably watching me. I was feeling dumb for some reason. He was going to see me before I saw him. I found the room number. No body was there but a guy was sitting outside of the room next to it. Maybe he knew him. I went to knock on the door. The guy sitting outside the other room, says "Hey!" I turn around. He says the room was over there, he just wanted to see me first. Hmmm. 

We walk inside and I'm trying to make the most awkward small talk about the drive up from Port Charlotte. I also realize I'm taller than him by a couple inches but he definitely looked as good as his pictures showed. He grabbed me by both sides of my waist and looked me up and down and said , "Well, look at you!" I didn't know how to respond so I said, "Are you drunk?" He lets go and says, "No!" I apologize and mumble about I haven't done this before, blah blah. I'm not sure of the exact details but somehow I ended up at the foot of the bed with him and he picked me up with my legs around him and he threw me on the bed. I started laughing. He crawled to me and he must have started kissing me. The details at this point become foggy. But sex happened. In all kinds of ways. And I remember thinking that, "Holy shit, I'm cheating on my husband." But this thought didn't make me feel guilty nor did it make me want to stop. Because I wasn't in love with this guy. 

I remember hoping that it wasn't going to leave marks when he slapped my ass. But I enjoyed it so much. He talked so dirty to me and it was perfect. Sexy but not degrading. I did things with him that I had no idea that my body wanted to do. And I felt so free because I wasn't going to see him again so I didn't have to feel self conscious or embarrassed of the way I looked naked. He said I looked great.  And I guess if I look great naked to a 25 year old guy that's quite the compliment. I think we went at it for an hour. God, until we were sore and sweaty and sticky. 

Then we laid there talking about shit. I talked about quitting drugs and the hypersexuality that I seemed to have developed afterward. He talked a little about himself. He was super cool. God, the sex was so good. Then I got my gas money and off I went smiling all the way home. 

Aftermath: David found out about Chaz eventually and I got in huge trouble. I don't know if David found out right after Chaz or after I had hooked up with a few more. But I experienced so many fights because of my hookups as to be expected. David deleted all Chaz's info. Even so, Chaz found me other ways and tried to hook up with me again in the following year but David cockblocked that unfortunately. I'm still in contact with Chaz but I only send him pictures now but we still talk about that day. I guess it was memorable for both of us. 

                                 This was taken late 2016 around the time this event happened.

Tinder

While I was at the resort I had heard that one of the guys that worked there had been asking whether I was single. And here's the kicker, he was 29! He thought I was much younger than my actual age of 39. 

Well, I was thoroughly flattered since I had no clue any man might find me attractive other than my husband. 

I had been going through so much in my life between work and kids and drugs and the arrest and all the stress after it that I guess I hadn't really looked in a mirror and noticed myself in a long while. 

Over the years guys had hit on me here and there and I didn't pay much attention but it had been a very long time since anyone had noticed me. David had always complimented me but I always felt like that was not as genuine since he is my husband, Sort of when your mom tells you you're smart, it's just something they say because they love you. Not because it's necessarily true. 

Suddenly I realized I'm not all bad to look at. I was at a good weight, nice and thin, above average breasts and a nice butt and long curly red hair and I like to think my face looks ok. I looked at my younger pictures and I looked alright but I glowed up somewhere along the way. I was thinking if only I looked this way and felt this confident way back in my younger years I would have made some different choices. 

But did I take this newfound confidence home? No.

 I had been feeling almost asexual for a long time. Nothing excited me much. I felt so blah in the sex department for many years. But Garrett made me feel feelings that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I guess I wasn't asexual. I just was turned on by younger men!

But I needed to get Garrett off my mind and the best solution I thought of was to find a different 25 year old to have sex with. I'd heard about Tinder so I thought I'd try it out. 

I downloaded the app and set up my account and set it for ages 20-30. I honestly didn't think I would get very many matches because I was much older. I was thinking that no young guy wants a 38 year old woman. I never lied about anything. My age, my marital status, nothing. 

Much to my surprise I got tons of matches! Tinder was easy! I started talking to guys right away. Little bit of small talk and I told them what I wanted. Apparently lots of younger guys like older girls. I later learned that it's like a bucket list thing for guys to have an older woman, and a married one is even better. The hard part was finding a place to meet up since my house was not available. I didn't know I could be picky at first so I had my mileage set for pretty far away. For the first few times I had to drive pretty far. Then I started staying closer to home. 

Anyway. I got to be quite the Tinder expert over time but lets go back to the first one. Chaz

I took this picture at the resort in the mirrored top of a canopy bed. I made the mistake of posting it on Facebook and a coworker ratted me out to the boss and I got in a lot of trouble.

Sweet, Sweet Garrett

 Sometimes you find the right people at the very perfect moment. That would be Garrett. Here's a little story.

Once upon a time I was arrested for stealing Oxycodone. I had quite the addiction at the time and I was on a speeding train with no way to pull the brake. Until I got caught. It was almost ( almost) a relief because my drug problem was out in the open. I spent the end half of 2015 out of work trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life since I had no skills other than working as a nurse. I stayed home with little baby Joshua. My attorney dragged out the case for awhile trying to get me lesser charges without success. 2016 found us kicked out of our house and in a nice little place in Rotonda near David's work at Palm Island Resort. I was severely depressed and had little motivation. David needed me to work though. He got me a job at Palm Island Resort doing housekeeping. I figured it would be easy. 

At this same time I was beginning my Mental Health Court program that I had been assigned through the court. Since I was a first offender I was to do the year long outpatient rehab program for drug addiction. And since it was decided that I was self medicating my mental health issue I was placed in Mental Health Court. I had to quit opiates and try to function at the same time. I hadn't been drug free in years, how was I going to manage? 

So I started working at the resort, I was a mediocre housekeeper. Mostly because I was freshly clean from drugs and my brain wasn't able to focus. My mind was always racing and I just couldn't get it together. I screwed up and missed things often. But it was beautiful out there and I got to drive around a fancy resort with my own golf cart from unit to unit. I met some great people.

Garrett was one of the guys that did the stocking for housekeeping at the resort. He also would bring the bags full of the supplies to the units for the housekeepers.  He was nice enough but I'll be honest I was initially struck by his appearance. I found him very nice to look at. I looked forward to him dropping off my supplies for my units because it was nice to see him and it was a break from the loneliness of the cleaning work. Garrett always stopped to talk for awhile and I must have mentioned what I was going through at the time and it turns out he wasn't a stranger to some of my similar issues. 

Sometimes if he was still working after I was off work I would sit in the housekeeping trailer and talk to him while he worked. I was so lost in those days freshly free from drugs that I needed to talk to someone who knew what I was feeling. Garrett had a history of being a blackout drunk and had gotten himself in quite bit of trouble while he was in college and was brought down to Florida by his family. Somewhere along the way he had been in rehab for the drinking. He also had been diagnosed with mental illness and had taken a few different medications at some point. We talked a lot about rehab and AA meetings. We talked about therapy and mental illnesses. But, honestly, Garrett listened to me do a lot of talking. He was the best listener. At a point in my life when I had so much to say and I was feeling so much, I just needed to talk to someone who knew what I was talking about. And Garrett was in the right place and the perfect time. And I don't know if he minded or not. But he never let on that it bothered him. And for Garrett, I am forever grateful because he was placed in my life when I needed him.

Perhaps I was overly grateful because I loved that boy. I truly did. I would have done anything for him. David knew it first. I'm not sure how he figured it out. But I was. I was 39 years old and I fell in love with a 25 year old man. 

Before him I never really thought about cheating on my husband but I was willing to risk it with Garrett. I wanted to seduce him in one of the resort units, just once. But, of course, I never would. Because Garrett was a good person. Sweet, sweet Garrett will always be too good in my eyes for anything like that. He deserved far better than the likes of me. 

After I was fired from the resort I wrote him a long letter telling him how I felt. David read it and he actually gave it to Garrett. I figured I would never see him again so what would it matter anyway?

And it's true. I never saw Garrett again after I left Palm Island. He's on my Facebook though so I like knowing that he's there if I need him. 😊

                                                

This song was popular at the time and the lyrics spoke to me a lot. I still think of him every time I listen to this song. Some part of me will always consider him my sweet love.

"Trouble on my left, trouble on my right
I've been facing trouble almost all my life
My sweet love, won't you pull me through?
Everywhere I look, I catch a glimpse of you"

"Grow Up", He said.

 Then he took my Snapchat away. It was my only remaining connection to the Tinder guys of my past. There were so many, but most were brief conversations that didn't go anywhere. Some I just lost contact with over time, but about thirty- forty more were regularly in contact with me whether it was occasional "hello"s or pictures. Or asking for pictures from me. Yes I was sending them nudes on the regular, nothing crazy, just some boobs and ass shots and they were happy and I got dick pics in return. 

David said I was cheating but I don't think so. Some of those men I had hooked up with years ago but they are all far away in Florida now. There's no way they could get their hands on me now. Not that they wouldn't want to. I've had offers of plane tickets and hotel rooms. Some have offered to fly here and meet me. I don't think I'm that special but a young men lose their minds when it comes to sex.  David said we could never go back to Florida because all of those guys are there and he's correct. Those boys would cheat on their girlfriends to say they had an older woman. When I was in Florida I had many men cheat on their girlfriends with me, a few cheated on their wives. It's none of my business. I'm a married woman. 

I enjoy the attention from those men from years ago. I love to send them pictures and have them tell me how turned on I made them. I love when they screenshot my pictures so they can save them for later that night. One guy has a phone full of pictures of me. He never forgets to tell me I'm beautiful. Am i sucker for compliments? Of course. Do they even know what my face looks like? Doubtful. They just know I'm and older woman with a lovely above average set of boobs. They probably notice my red hair, that's about it.

They don't love me. They don't care about me. I'm not stupid. But I've gotten to age 44 with hardly any sagging in the boob department. Which is remarkable, I think, because 1. they are real and 2. they are size DD so you would think gravity would take it's toll. My mother had very large breasts and I remember them being very pendulous and saggy when she was young ( I remember her showering with us when we were really young). So it isn't hereditary. And I've been pregnant three times and milk producing boobs can become saggy. Maybe I wore good supportive bras?

In any case, I like to show them off. And guys like them. Oh? Show them to my husband you say? He's already seen them for years. And that's no fun. I've been through a lot. I'm not fucking anymore men. I'm being a good girl now. So can I just have my Snapchat so I can chat and send my boobs to thirsty 25 year olds? Can I not just have access to my own social media account?

Wayne

 Now let me talk about this piece of work. So during my years of debauchery we frequented a club/sushi bar and he was a bouncer then, then a server. When I was there I always had my eye out for men because that was my favorite thing to do. Wayne was alright looking and I thought I might be interested in doing him. He showed up as a potential friend on Facebook so I friended him and BAM he friended me so fast and we started talking. I guess he had been checking me out, too. He had a thing for redheads (Don't they all?) and older women (again, don't they all?) so he had a GF but they had an open thing so I was all about that. 

We talked a lot. Idk it all happened so quickly. It was like he started taking about how he was falling for me and stuff. Now THAT is unusual. I don't hear that from guys and I was looking for more of a meaningful FWB situation rather that random hookups so I was all in. So all he had to do is mention falling for me and here I goooooo.... I'm falling for him too. 

Then he stopped talking to me for a couple weeks and I was crushed. No response to texts or anything. WTF.  OK I guess he was sick. But one day without hearing from him I was so lost. But I knew I was a goner at that point.

Our entire relationship (or whatever) was about 6 months and it was a complete and total roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I fell in crazy love with this man and he told me all the nice things that I wanted to hear. Sometimes he would ignore me for days and weeks and I would cry and sob without any response from him. Did he love me??? I went over to his house to hook up only a couple times in that 6 months and I turned down many men because I only wanted Wayne. Nobody else was as good as the man I loved. The feeling of new sweet romantic love felt good, I won't lie. It's different than the love you have for someone you've been married to for twenty years because it's so fresh and new and passionate. 

We wanted to be together one day. He claimed he had to block me on FB and on IG and everywhere else because his GF was jealous because he loved me. Or whatever.

I eventually came to my senses. Wayne had exes and children across the country and there was always a sob story as to why he had to leave them. It was never his fault. He wasn't paying child support for any of his kids. He didn't even have a license because he had been in a car accident with a pregnant ex and now he get's too anxious to drive (or some shit). His most recent ex hated his guts even though he adored her. But he ran off on her and their kid so why shouldn't she hate him. 

Current GF found him on an online dating site while he was homeless pretty much and she took him in. lmao like a lost puppy. He apparently was pretty meh about her but he was more or less living off her. 

He had women all over the country that he would chat with and send pics, some would send him money. Some lady in CA would send him 10K at a time. Now this is all according to him and I don't know what is real and what is fake. 

But I feel like I was played. And nobody plays the player. What did he want from me? Idk. sex? He didn't have to claim he loved me to get that. Shoot, I've banged guys I've known 15 minutes. 

I never gave Wayne money. Maybe it was just a game for him. I was just a player in his game. I guess I could ask him one day. But why would he tell me the truth now?

Tyler King

 Nobody reads this anyway so I'm going to ramble about something. 

So Tyler was a guy back a few years ago that I met through Tinder. He was 21 years old and adorable as can be. He was my exclusive FWB for quite a few months at his request. My husband was the exception, of course.

Anyway he used to stop by once a week or maybe more and we'd have crazy hot sweet sex and then he would leave until the next time. He had some mom issues which maybe was why he liked me so much perhaps. His mom had passed away a few years prior. One time he came over on her birthday and he was very sad. But I cheered him up good. God, he was a hot thing, 

At some point we hadn't met up for a little while, I think he had a new job or something and couldn't come over and when he finally picked me up after work at my serving job it was so amazing. We fogged up the windows. Oh, I fogged up windows on my car many, many times. And on other people's cars as well. 

One night I couldn't sleep and he was on snap and I snuck out of the house and he picked me up a little down the road in my PJs. We were racing down the highway and he was listening to Kodack Black and we had the seats leaned back and the windows down, I felt so wild and young like we could do anything! Like for a minute I wanted to run away with my sweet 21 year old Tyler and just do anything and everything and pretend I was someone else. 

He took me to a park and we had crazy sex in the back seat. He took me home and I went to bed like nothing happened. We had so much fun we wanted to do it the next night. I got up in the middle of the night and met him in my PJs like before, we went to the same park and everything. It was so good. But this time was different.

As we drove past my house I noticed the lights were on. I knew I had been caught. I was scared to death what was going to happen to me when I got home. Tyler started getting snap messages from my husband. So he blocked the Snap account and asked for my email. I tried to tell him but it was difficult to explain at the moment, so much was going through my mind. I was panicking. So Tyler dropped me off where he picked me up and I walked home ready to face my unknown punishment.

The front door was locked. So I started knocking and knocking. David came out and pushed me down onto the ground. And started kicking and kicking  and kicking me. Kicking my body as hard as he could. I just wrapped my arms around myself and wished for it to be over. I fantasized that Tyler would come back and save me from being beat up. I just kept picturing him in my mind. 

That night I had the crap kicked outta me in my own front yard, I was yelled at, attacked, smacked and had a bebe gun held to my temple. Not my first or last punishment, but the worst.

Four years later I still think of Tyler. I wonder what he's doing now. I hope he's ok. I hope he has an amazing girlfriend. I hope that he remembers me and it makes him smile. 

Maybe it's not the end.

Truly I thought my fingerprint result would be instant. Like the state result. But apparently it takes a month or longer. In that period of time my license status is "conditional pending FBI check" so I just cross my fingers until whomever knows when. According to the lady at the fingerprinting place, I should be ok as long as I don't have a conviction on my record so that settled my anxiety a bit. I figure she knows a bit about it. 

So without that worry on my mind, I'm back to worrying about lesser worries, like my weight. Now, the only people that give a shit about my weight are me and all the 25 year olds that I was fucking back in 2017.  I guess people generally thought I was younger than my age when I was thinner. Now nobody checks me out and I look middle aged. I suppose my husband loves it. But I hate it. I don't want to settle for looking like an average middle aged woman. God, I can't stand looking so fat. I'm about 148 right now. And I range about 145 to 150. And I wanna get to 125 to 130 range. So 20 pounds. Doesn't seem like too much but trust me it's sooo hard!!I know first of all I need to burn some calories but it's so hard to burn energy that isn't there! And the food. I am so picky. And I really dislike fruits and veggies. So I'm certainly not going to start eating salads all the sudden. I like carbs. And junk. 

I'll figure something out.Ο0О。ο口口

Scared.

 I'm scared to death guys. I don't know what I am going to do if I don't pass my background check. I have nowhere else to go. No place to take my family. We can't afford this house on a minimum wage salary and I have no other options. What am I going to do with all of our stuff? What about My plants? What about Elliot? 

Where will he go? I don't know what I am going to do. Where are we gonna go? Where can we go? What am I gonna do? I'm terrified of what happens next.

Is this the end?

 I started new in New Hampshire. I left all the shit in Florida. Lots of bad shit. We had tough times there. 

Here I restarted my nursing career and left the drugs behind. I was finally able to get my family into a house for the first time in awhile. We had been evicted a couple times and lived with family and even lived in hotels a couple times. But I was finally getting it together and we got into a house of our own. One that was within our price limit that we weren't even going to have to struggle to make rent. We were gonna have plenty left over! So we could have our cell plans and buy groceries whenever we wanted to without even having to wait for pay day. 

Long gone are the days of counting our change for milk and gas. :) 

We've filled our house up with stuff. Since we had been evicted twice we really had nothing when we moved in here so we had to get all new everything. So we've filled our house to the gills with stuff. 

 That's our house. And considering that we have so much more stuff now that when we moved in I really hope not to move again anytime soon!

So, for my NH nursing license endorsement I need to have my fingerprints done. I've already had my county and state fingerprints done but Thursday I am scheduled to have my FBI fingerprints done. So I wonder how will my Florida arrest show up on the background check. Will I lose my nursing license? I'm scared to death right now. This is all I know. And this is the only way I know to support my family. I tried to be a server, and lets face it, I was lousy. I'm so nervous. 

I've tried to be so good. I've been clean. I follow up with my recovery center and my therapist so I stay clean. My kids are in therapy. I don't know when my family has been this stable and it's because of me! I was able to get us to this place. And I'm afraid I'm going to lose it all. I am trying to be optimistic but I have to be honest, even if my charges were dropped, my charges look pretty bad. And from what I've read the background check includes the arrest charges whether you were convicted or not.

Honestly I think I deserve this second chance. So if anyone reads this. Please give me some good vibes or something cause I could use them.

 

                                                                Joshua-----for smiles:)

The accidental cosleeper

I found this Blog entry from October 2015 and wondered why I never published it. So now it's out of order. It's waaaay out of order. I'm going to try to remedy that. 

It's all about Baby Joshua who is presently not a baby any longer. #sadface

First kid,  I read books and books and had magazine subscriptions about kids. During my pregnancy I drank protein drinks and ate fruits that I hated so I could be healthy.  I wanted to do everything right. Read with him all the time, teach him everything I could. I bought him the nicest, and ridiculously expensive, baby clothes. Fancy toys, museums, aquariums. Only the best for the health and well being of my kid. Unfortunately I ended up with some PPD that threw a wrench into my plans. But I tried.

Third kid, I am just trying to keep him from destroying himself or anything else of value that I possess. Any progress aside from that is just gravy.

This kid has been able to climb about everything and destroy baby gates. He dumps out toy containers so he can use them as step stools. Fragile he is not. Even if he was less than 5 lbs when he was born. He is muscular and big now.

I sure wish he would talk though. His speech is horrible. David and I joked we wouldn't teach this one to walk or talk. He has the walking and running thing down though.
Nearing 3 years old, he still does a lot of baby talk, most of which I don't understand. Dr. says that he'll eventually get it and gave me a referral for speech therapy, but I never did it. I thought I'd give Joshua some time. Most adults can communicate, so with that in mind, I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually. He responds fine so at least it's not a hearing problem.

Much to my husband's dismay, Joshua sleeps in my bed. This was not the plan. I tried to place him in the bassinet the first night home from the hospital, but he would cry immediately, and  I was soo tired. So very tired.
So I put my wee 5 lbs baby in my arms and we slept soundly. And he was so cuddly and snuggly. And it has continued. Every night. Some nights he starts out in his bed but doesn't last. I really don't mind him there. David does.

My main concern is the fact that he has been experiencing the terrible twos for round about three years now....so I am hoping for an end to it one day.

Does anyone even read this?

 I doubt anyone does. But I write in it every now and then, taking breaks years at a time.  The most interesting times of my life are the ones when I don't write in anything in here. Trust me on that one. The years when I struggle the most with life, with my worth, with my addictions, with my mental illnesses. Honestly, the times of my life when I have a little too much party in my system. 

But I don't document them in my blog just in case someone might actually read this one day. I have a lot of memories. Good ones actually. I had lots of fun. But I suffer from guilt because I hurt those I loved the most while I was having that fun. In some cases irreparably. Nobody remembers the many, many years that I sacrificed everything for everybody else. They just remember the couple years that I went off the rails to have fun for myself for once. Maybe it was out of control fun. I should have controlled myself better but I felt better than I had in my life!

I'll tell you what. For so long I've been living in a shell taking care of my kids at home ( and loving it) and taking care of patients at work( and loving it) . But I remained withdrawn staying "good" and proper for years hiding my drug problem. Then all at once My drug problem landed me with an arrest and in low wage jobs struggling to scrounge for quarters for gas and milk for the kids, getting evicted time after time because we couldn't afford rent. For the first time we had to live the poor life. And we lived that way for five years. Moving numerous times, moving the kids from school to school, living with family, living in hotels, almost living in the car. We very narrowly avoided that fate. 

I learned that poor people hang with other poor people. We hang together. And poor people are less judgy cause we've all been through some shit. Even now I'm careful who at work I tell about my past. In the nursing field the nurses and the LNAs  haven't been poor. They have their heads on straight or they wouldn't be in that field.

I feel a comfort around other poors that I don't have around other people. I'm not a good wholesome person. I feel like I have to put on an act around some people or they might see right through me and realize what I'm really all about. 

Anyway. The point is before I got way off track is that Ive been taking care of other people for so damn long and when I took care of myself for awhile suddenly I'm a horrible person. Maybe it was because it involved lots of sex and drugs. But honestly it was a good time. I met some great guys. Maybe that's why I feel so rotten. I feel like I should feel bad but I don't. I liked it. Ill live once. 

Anyway thats enough rambling nonsense for one day. 

Dreams

Lately I have the most bizarre dreams. I'm dreaming of my childhood...but things that never really happened. I guess the people and the surroundings are the same. But maybe I just long for home. Any home at this point. I don't belong anywhere.
I don't feel like I have a home right now. Maybe my dreams are trying to express that. I feeling of safety and security. And most of all warmth.

I never said I was innocent

Im certain that much of my poor choices result from my mental illness issues...or whatever causes my brain to think differently. Addiction isssues, emotional abuse, family dysfunction, whatever. It most likely goes back generations to some mental illnesses along the way.
It's actually sad that we have therapy and meds but not quite any cure for mental illness.

I'm miserable much of the time. I fake it to try to "fake it til I make it" sometimes without success, sometimes with success
But sometimes I fantasize about death. And one person who I used to talk to in depth about this stuff is no longer in contact with me due to to some personal issues on their end. So I'm extra lost. I mean nobody wants to talk about depression. People want to feel good right?
If I had a pile of drugs in front of me I'd take em all simply to feel better or die. It's whatever anymore.