What's wrong with me anymore?

At times I feel like I am not part of the world. It's as if I am merely observing it going on all around me. I simply go through the motions and do what I have to.
I am so, so tired and my stomach feels nervous, like I am awaiting my turn to make a presentation in front of a large group of people. Only it's much of the day. Alot of the time I don't feel very hungry. I simply pick at my food because I know I have to consume something in order to exist.
Today I felt like taking a shower required an excessive amount of effort, I didn't want to go throught he trouble. ( But don't worry, I made myself do it anyway. If only for the comfort of my coworkers and patients)
I don't even have the energy to be mad at David anymore. No sense in beating a dead horse anyway. What's done is done, right? ( What a dumb expression-who would beat a dead horse? eww) I try not to let my irritation fester beacuse it doesn't help anything. I need to forgive and forget. But I can't help but feel so disappointed in him. So very disappointed.
I know only time will heal this and I am being ridiculous to let the whole job situation eat at me but I feel as if he let me down. I got him that job and he got himself fired. Maybe that's why I am taking this so personally.
If he really respected me he would have behaved himself and not gotten fired. That's not fair, I know. He does respect me. I think.
I feel like I want to take some time and just be alone. Just a day, maybe, to collect my thoughts and get it all together. I think I would like some extra sleep as well. That certainly wouldn't hurt.
I apologive for the depressing mood of this blog. It simply reflects my feelings right now. Perhaps when I awaken in the morning I will feel refreshed to an extent. I certainly can hope.

Seth's first trip to the hospital

Seth and I went to Toys R Us yesterday where he decided that he wanted to live. When it was time to go he became very upset and was trying to run away from me while I was holding his hand. Then he cried all of the way home and then when we dressed him in his PJS and while he was in bed he continued crying.
Finally I went in there and he explained that he couldn't move his right arm. And it hurt with any movement.
To the ER we went. :(
He was diagnosed with Nursemaid's elbow- or elbow dislocation- that was simply repaired by the Dr. popping it back in to place. Seth was such a good boy. I was proud.
He's good as new now.

I guess the drama will end now.

David was fired. But fortunately, the 16 year old was fired as well. I am not too pleased and it is an understatement to say I am disappointed in him. I am wavering between anger and sadness and anger again.

Oooooooh, 16 year olds make me livid!!

I guess I should be more specific since I am certain there are many good, decent 16 year olds out there.
Remember the girl that was in love with David? Last night at work he was out in the parking lot in the car with a beer. All of the work was done and he was waiting to clock out. This girl comes out and sits in the car all upset over something. David left her in the car alone while he went in to do something and apparently she drank some of the beer, unbeknownst to him.
Well, once her father picked her up he must have smelled alcohol on her and she told him that David gave her a beer so the father called the nursing home administrator to complain that he was going to have David arrested for contributing to a minor. So David will likely lose his job. If not get arrested.
Now there are several lessons to be learned here and I have already discussed them with David
1. Never ever drink on the job. Technically David wasn't clocked out yet so he shouldn't have doing that anyway. But alcohol has this hold on David and I married him knowing that.
2. Listen to your wife, she's might just be right. I advised David not to speak to this girl anymore since I thought it would just lead to trouble. I took her as a crazy 16 year old girl that could not be trusted. David said she was his friend. Unfortunately I was right.
3. Don't think that because someone is your friend that they won't turn on you. that's exactly what she did and now David is in a mess because of her.

If David loses his job, who cares? It's a low paying job and he could get another. Now I know he will never talk to her again. Last night she was talking about suicide and David was concerned. Now he said he could care less what she does. I don't feel bad for her in the least. I just wish David was a bit wiser at choosing friends.

Seth, a boy of many names.

This kid has quite the imagination, today he was running around announcing that he was Bob the builder, "I will fix it!" he yelled. For some odd reason he had insisted on wearing these elbow length red gloves that I had from an old Halloween costume. Does Bob the builder wear gloves? Anyway, it was cute. He was fixing our walls. I don't seem to notice a difference but I suppose the thought is what counts. :)
Later on in the evening he announced he was a beaver. I simply don't know where that came from.
Other days he's a robot, or superman, a cat, a dog, even a baby. It's quite difficult to keep track of who he is throughout a day.

Sean has three teeth now and is almost "cruising" the furniture. Thank goodness he finally figured out how to get down from a standing position without falling on his head. Now he puts his hands down so he falls into a crawling position. He can sort of sit but he just doesn't remain in one place long enough to sit for any length of time. He is the happiest baby I have ever known. He loves to laugh, but so does Seth.
Anytime Seth hears anyone laugh he asks, "What's so funny?"
I always tell him" You're funny!" and he laughs. He'll probably develop a complex one day but we'll worry about tthat when the time comes.

Meanwhile, David and I work excessively. Him at home and me at work. I picked up another shift on Sunday so that will be a total of 24 hours of overtime. My next paycheck should be nice. But I am exhausted. I feel like I need more sleep- even when I first wake up. No one ever said life was easy!

Saosin - You're Not Alone Video

I just saw this video today and I like it.

48 hours

48 hours is how many hours I worked in the last 4 days. 32 of them being on Saturday and Sunday. Yes, I agree, double shifts are exhausting-but the paycheck sure is nice. It really is sad not to see my boys for two whole days though. I feel like a piss poor mom, but at the same time maybe I am a good mom because I work so hard to make sure they have a roof over their head and food to eat?
Some days I feel as if I live at my work. Good thing I don't mind my job.
David thinks I am writing about him in my blog so I am going to prove him right.
How can people get so worked up over football? He yells at the TV when his team screws up and claps and cheers when they score. Each time it scares the crap out of me because I don't know when he will begin to yell. I want to say. "It's a stinkin' game, for Pete's sake!" but I am sure he is aware of that so I will hold my tongue until football season is over.
Does "football season" mean I can go hunting and killing footballs because, trust me, I will!

Seth's "scary movie"

I discovered this band on Perez Hilton's site and actually find it quite catchy. It's an Australian band called "Operator Please" and Seth likes to watch the video over and over referring to it as a "scary movie". It's really not too bad a song for a bunch of teenagers.

Please, please buy my husbands hunk of crap.....

It's littering my lawn! David's truck is far too expensive for us to maintain. It needs a little work and we just can't keep up with it-David's is a little ,um, mechanically challenged. Besides the gas mileage is terrible.
So he has placed it in the newspaper to sell so that we can hopefully unload the thing and but my friend Tammy's Honda Civic so David wouldn't be stranded at home every day.
So far, not one call.
We are a little sad.
If you are in need, please give me a call. It's big and roomy and is 4x4. So that has to count for something, right? Unfortunately we can't afford to give the thing away so you'll have to pay the couple grand we spent to buy it in the first place. The money is going to a good cause, think of it that way.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Is that how the line is supposed to read? Forgive me if I am incorrect but Shakespeare simply bores me to tears..
I did my double shift yesterday and what a long, long day it was. It wasn't helped by the fact that I felt as if someone was playing drums from inside my skull. I foolishly took something for the excruciating pain in the middle of the night on an empty stomach- dumb idea. I spent much of the morning very nauseated and more than once had to quickly and rudely walk away from my patient so I could go throw up. Ew, what a horrible morning. I did end up feeling better and was able to take an Excedrin Migrane that someone had given me that did the trick. Thank God! I spent the rest of the shift feeling like a brand new woman! I think the caffeine in it helped pep me up as well. I definitely appreciated that side effect.
Now I have agreed to work two doubles this weekend so I will be very, very busy and most certainly will be hating my existence on Monday morning as I head off to work my 5th shift in 3 days.
But the paycheck will be nice and I might as well get the hours while I can.

Many days I feel awfully sorry for myself because I work so hard and never seem to have enough $$. Will Sean and Seth resent me some day because I was working so much? I know first hand that absence makes one's heart fonder beacuse I miss them so much when I am at work. I hope they will understand one day.

Hot water: good, cold water: bad

We had a new hot water heater installed. And we had a plumber friend do it so it was much cheaper than it should have been. Hallelujah, especially since we barely had the money for the cheap price.
Now if only Calgon could take me away to a nice hot, bubble bath with some candles.....
The boys are extra cranky today. Actually the patients at work were a little extra crazy today so maybe there is a weird moon phase going on.
Maybe the whole world has gone nuts.
In any case- a super big thank you to Anthony for installing the hot water heater. There are good people in the world. :)

Unpopular Mechanics

Yesterday David's truck broke down on the way to work. Marva took me to work so he could have the car for Seth's Dr. appt. When we pulled up at the house this afternoon, I found it odd that a hose was draining water from my garage while David threw various wet objects onto the driveway.
Yep, the hot water heater died. We knew it would happen one of these days. Now we have to find a way to purchase and install a new one for as cheap as possible.
Either that or I could continue to have David boil water for our baths like he did this evening. Ha ha, I felt like we were a poor farm family 100 years ago.
I don't enjoy these bumps in the road.
Seth and I bonded over doing some cleaning and painting in our wet, messy garage. He was a mess-still has some paint in his hair actually.
You know, as frustrating as this past year has been, one day when I am old and tired and lonely, I will miss these days of my life. Empty bank account and all!

Seth's appointment went well. He is in the 25% for everything-he's just a small kid. But he's developing normally and they were very impressed at how well spoken he was. Apparently he made the comment that he wanted to see the Dr. because he was sick *cough, cough*
Yes, he actually did fake coughs.
He was very brave when they checked his hemoglobin- the results, of course, were normal.
All is well.

If at first you don't succeed, Try, try again.

Sean personifies this lovely quote. Not in a way that comforts me though.
He wants to stand so badly and he pulls up on anything anywhere in order to do it. Unfortunately, he falls down alot. Much of the time he falls backward and bonks his noggin.
I hope this child has a full head of hair throughout his life because I feel like his head will be very dented at this rate. Nothing so sad as a dented child. So far he just has some bruises.
I figure if all boys were seriously mentally damaged from the amount of bumps and falls and blows to the head they receive then all men would be running around with a few marbles missing upstairs if you know what I mean.
Actually this theory might explain quite alot.

I was driving yesterday when some person slammed on their brakes in front of me causing me to stop quickly- I was probably following too closely, knowing myself. All of the sudden Mr. driving expert Seth yells out ,"Hey what's that all about!"
The backseat driving begins early ,I guess.

"Is it any wonder" by Keane

Is the name of my new MySpace profile song.
And I do believe that Seth loves it almost as much as he loved David's punky rendition of "Margaritaville".
Anytime I play it Seth goes nuts, dancing and bopping his little head all around. Yes, he has about as much rhythm as a little white Irish boy- but he couldn't help that. He had about a 50/50 chance of has some rhythm. Maybe there is still a chance.
http://www.myspace.com/jjdreyer

Bad Ju Ju

Originally I thought David called her "Bad Choo Choo". I wondered why he was referring to the "16 year old" as a bad train.
In any case, she is a dangerous sort, I think. Apparently the fact that he's a married 34 year-old guy with two small children doesn't seem to phase her. Even the fact that I work at the same facility as she does.
She must be a complete idiot because even when I was 16( long, long ago) I knew better than to mess with married men. Besides, I didn't want an older guy with kids anyway-too much baggage.
But she's developed a crush on David. He's quite flattered but also a bit disturbed. It's making him feel uncomfortable to go to work when he knows she'll be there. He knows she could get him in trouble.
I hate to use the "j" word but perhaps that is what drove me to talk to his supervisor about it. Her behavior is absolutely not conducive to a professional work environment. Harmless flirting is one thing but I think she has gone beyond that into potentially harmful territory. I think this girl needs to put the brakes on this crush she calls love and start talking with guys her own age that aren't married to me.

I finally got my pics developed- take 2...

I finally got my pics developed...

He'll stand but he won't sit?

Only my child would be so backwards. Sean refuses to sit. Of course, If he's sitting supported by something he will do it. But he can't (won't) sit solo unsupported. But he's getting closer and closer to true crawling every day. He's quite proficient at the army crawl though.
Sean has to be involved in everything. So while Seth was bathing, Sean scooted up to the tub and lifted himself on his knees so he could peek over the edge. Apparently that wasn't good enough because he was able to pull up to a standing postion as he tried to put his hand in the water. He didn't stand for an excessive length of time but he did it again a couple times so it wasn't an isolation incident.
At least if he won't sit he'll be able to stand wherever he goes. Might make it difficult for him to drive though. And lets hope he doesn't break a leg one day. They don't make wheel chairs that accomodate the standing postion, he'd have to travel by stretcher.
Eh, maybe he'll get the hang of it eventually.

A doughnut with paint on it?!

Seth and I had bagel and cream cheese at dinner tonight. It's never a dull meal when he's around, I assure you! First off, while I was toasting the bagel he was singing to Sean, " a bagel, a bagel, a bagel!" Of course, Sean found this very hilarious.
Then while Seth was eating the bagel he decided that it looked like " a doughnut with paint on it".
After their baths they played in Sean's room and I thought they were cute enough to photograph for all eternity. It didn't work out like I expected. Of course, they were both very smiley when they saw the camera but not for the typical reasons. Seth wanted to take the camera so he could "click" pictures of Sean and Sean simply wanted to consume the camera. I had to photograph them from a standing postion so they couldn't get my camera.

Just another day iin my life. Pretty soon I will hop into bed and sleep a little so I can get up and take care of people all day again. At least I get paid for the first eight hours. But the boys are far more delightful than the cranky elderly people at work. But enough about my coworkers.
Speaking of cranky elderly people, David just got home from work. :) Seriously, I love him.

Why is Saturday night alright for fighting?

Because I rather like Saturday. I'd rather not fight. Today was a good one, as far as days go.
I had a good time with my boys. We were all in good moods so the day was quite pleasant. Usually someone is cranky-probably me- so it ruins the general happiness throughout the house. Seth was a good boy all day. Honestly, he did not do one thing to try to destroy the house in any way today. He played well with Sean ( They are so cute together!) and he even played happily alone while I cleaned a little bit and did laundry.
When Sean awoke from his afternoon nap Seth made sure to bring it to my attention. I told him I would get him in a couple minutes-it sounded like Sean was playing contentedly so I thought I would let him be for a few.
Seth insisted that he wanted to go in and play peek-a-boo with Sean. I told him to go ahead. So he goes in while I waited in the bedroom. Throught he monitor it sounded like they were playing happily. When I went in I saw that Seth had climbed into the crib with Sean and they were playing together. I told Seth to get out but couldn't help but smile as I said it.
It was too cute.

Yardwork-Dreyer style take 2 ( or My son is a cow)

I dragged the boys out to weed the yard again. I set Sean out on a blanket with some toys while Seth and I weeded. Sean didn't stay on the blanket long, he wanted to eat the grass and seemed to enjoy mouthfuls of dirt. I guess it's a good thing I don't use pesticides on my lawn. No one in their right mind could accuse me of that( Have you SEEN my lawn?)
Inside the house he scoots himself toward the cat food bowl quite frequently. Why-oh-why does he want to eat cat food so badly? If I remember correctly, and it's possible that I am incorrect, Seth preferred to roll the cat food pieces across the floor rather than eat them.
My kids are strange.

Today Seth, Sean and I were playing in Seth's room when we heard some sirens. Seth immediately got all excited and I was able to pick him up just in time to see the fire truck and ambulance go by on the street behind our house. An hour later we see THREE state troopers across the street -they remained there for hours! According to our next door neighbor, the guy across the street got into a domestic dispute with his wife or girlfriend and he got into his big blue SUV to leave and she got in front of the truck...I think you know where this is going. He ran her over. Apparently they had to land a helicopter in the local church parking lot so they could fly her out to a trauma center. I'm guessing Tampa.
Unfortunately we had no clue that the fire truck and ambulance were right across the street from us after they went by the rear of our house. Seth would have liked to see the fire truck up close. But at the same time I wouldn't want him to have seen the lady since I am sure she was badly bloodied and all.
I guess my putting my hand through a window isn't half as bad as running over your spouse and mother to your children. Yikes, I don't feel as bad now.

I love Dayquil

I did a double Friday and then on Monday. Fortunately I had the weekend in between off because I had a nasty cold. It sucked big time, but I was determined not to call off so I wouldn't lose my overtime. Physically I did not feel too poorly. I just had a slight cough and a snotty nose.
Saturday was David and I's 6th anniversary. I know,I know..why would anyone put up with me for 6 long years. I have no clue. He must be a glutton for punishment. In any case, I appreciate him sticking around. He's really awesome and I have it made. He makes dinner in the evening, watches the boys in the day and even washes the dishes and makes the beds while I am working.
I love him.
Heather came over to watch the boys while we went to Visani to eat. We had a lovely meal and then watched a comedy show. I have seen funnier comedians, but I also was feeling lousy that day so that may have affected my sense of humor somewhat. In my present state of health, perhaps it would have been funnier.
Sunday we went to a barbecue at my dad's house. My whole family was there and we had a great time. My dad seemed to really enjoy little Sean. I kept offering to take him but Dad was managing fine with him. Sean was quite happy and content with good ol' grandpa. They even rocked together for awhile and the little guy fell asleep sitting on Dad's lap. It was so cute, I only wish I had a camera to get a picture of the two of them.
I stopped at the pharmacy with the boys and didn't realize until I got home that I didn't get the "non-drowsy" cold medicine so my brother and his girlfriend were kind enough to bring me some so I didn't have to drag the boys to the store again. they were sinply too much the first time. Note to self- when shopping for cold medicine,next time go solo.

David and I dyed our hair last night and mine came out awful! I don't know if the highlights I had done in may were especially resistant to the hair dye or what but my hair is a couple different colors, and not in a cool looking way. Next week I will get more hair dye and try again. David's looks good. It's like a dark auburn color. Mine is a nice red near the roots but many of the highlighted streaks didn't even take so I still have alot of blond. Bleh.

My super size baby

At 6 months Sean is still in the 75% for everything. He is 27 inches long and almost 17 lbs. He got a few shots today and a prescription for Triamcinolone cream. Apparently he has eczema, poor kid. He is healthy and doing well. But the Dr. thinks he should be sitting up- and he's not. Just scooting all around. Which he shouldn't really be doing yet. He's a little early with that, I think.

The sweet story of the brothers Dreyer.

While Seth bathes I usually plop Sean in the tub as well. I have to hold him up with one hand while I wash him but it's more convenient for me. Seth always loves it, he thinks Sean can play in the tub with him. The other day he tried to give Sean a toy,"Play with me" he requested. Obviously the little guy was clueless but smiled anyway because he loves anything his brother does. Then Seth but his arm around my neck and Sean's and said " Friends, we are all friends!"

Domo arigato, Mr. Destructo

If there was a contest for how quickly a small child could destroy a small house ,my son would win, hands down! All it takes is a short visit to the facilities for him to find something he shouldn't get into and completely create a disaster. And the thing is, he knows what he should and shouldn't do because many times he will try to close the door and say "Go away, Mom" if he knows that there is something in the room that he wants to get into. I have learned this by making the mistake of actually going away for a few minutes when he has done this.
Sometimes I feel as if poor Sean gets gypped in the attention department since we spend all day cleaning up after Seth. Remember when the tasmanian devil would turn into the tornado and deestroy everything in his path? Well, that's Seth.
Boundless energy with no where to burn it off since it's 120 degrees out. The kid would end up with heat stroke after 5 minutes.
Anyway, we did all go to Mamaw's on Friday evening and ate roast and mashed potatoes. Seth and I really enjoyed it. Seth and sean also played pretty hard and slept wonderfully that night. We probably wore out Mamaw, but she enjoyed seeing the boys. She wants to see Sean more because when he doesn't see someone in a period of weeks he gets shy when he sees them again and cries.
Sean is trying and trying his hardest to crawl he rocks forward and back on his hands and knees, almost like he's building momentum, and then he lurches forward to move. And then does his half drag/ half army crawl thing. Hey, it seems to work for him.
Boys are hungry, time to feed the starving boys, you'd think they never ate before by the way they carry on!

And I shall call him "Scooter"

Because that it what he does, you see. He kind of wiggles and scoots himself around now and does pretty well. The kid can really cover some area with his semi-limited mobility. He frequently gets up on his hands and knees and rocks and rocks back and forth but can't seem to figure out the crawling thing yet. He has already become proficient at his odd wiggle/scooting maneuver so I am sure he will crawl soon.
I thought they were supposed to sit before they crawl? Sean isn't so great at the sitting thing. He can sort of prop himself on his arms but he quickly fall to the side.
And he has also joined the world of the toothed (teethed?) since he now has two little teeth on the bottom of his mouth. Poor kid. Oddly enough, he isn't so grumpy as I would expect him to be. He is generally an easy going kid. Thank goodness.

My ugly scar

The skin in the center of my scar is very pink and there are several pink spots surrounding it where the sutures were. It looks quite horrible so I guess my arm modeling days are over. Such a waste. Boo hoo.
My grandmother is peeved that it scarred so much, she thinks the Dr. should have done a better job suturing. Doesn't bother me as much I guess. I have the reminder of my stupidity my my arm for eternity. I deserve it. Fortunately my insurance covered all of the ER visit minus the $100 co pay so that's not too bad.

I could get used to this

" Hop into bed!" I said. And he did. Only he had to be silly first and position himself in every strange sleeping positon ( like upside down with his feet in the air) and say" Like this?"
He's silly.
Finally he got into bed correctly and I said goodnight. By the time I got back to the living room little Sean had passed out on the blanket on the floor. Awwwww! So cute.
Anyway this has happened two nights in a row! Both boys going to sleep at the same time. I certainly hope this continues.

Seth: future handyman...

He was poking around the vacuum cleaner making beep, boop, and clicking sounds. I had to ask," What are you doing ,Seth?"
"I'm fixing the vacuum cleaner, it's broken."
I did not know this but at least I know it's fixed now.:)

I think he's been watching "Robots" too much.

Upside down brothers

Remember that lame Nickelodeon show "The naked brothers band" ? Well, my boys will be the Upside down brothers. They both have an odd fascination with being upside down. Seth thinks it hilarious and Sean just laughs and laughs.
Maybe it's just a boy thing. Maybe my kids are strange.
Today while I took a shower Sean lied on the bathroom floor with his toys and turned himself facing the bedroom so he could watch Seth run around in circles in the bedroom. He just giggled and giggled. Sean thinks that everything Seth does is extraordinarily humorous. It's cute now but just wait until Sean tries to copy everything his big brother does... I just better keep my health insurance plan.

Ever have one of those days that you feel like you are second best at everything? Today was my day. I was a lousy overworked nurse with people falling ,dying, and trying to fall all around me. I long for some alone time away from my boys for a little mental health break ( Just 30 minutes would be sufficient-I swear) And I am quite sure I am the worst wife that ever existed. We won't even get into that.
It's safe to say that today just was a bad day and my head hurts.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Speak my mind or lose my mind

Much of the time I opt for the latter since I am not confident that I am correct in whatever the issue is. So I just bottle things up so I don't upset anyone and say something I may regret. People think I am nice and happy. But when I explode, I (obviously) sometimes do damage. Of course, not to any living thing but sometimes a poor, defenseless window gets the brunt of my anger. In my defense, this has happened exactly once. Any other time I screamed or broke a coffee cup. (note to self: breaking coffee cups is less harmful for my health and well being-not to mention the integrity of my skin)
I worked a double shift Sunday and then had to work monday AM as well. So you can imagine I was feeling pretty worn down by the time I got home yesterday afternoon. I found that David had stripped the crib sheets and Seth's bed sheets to wash them but the beds weren't made and the laundry from the previous day was dumped out on the bed awaiting my arrival.
I was a little irritated but didn't want to show it because I thought it was probably petty and I didn't want to upset David.
It really bugged me and ate at me! Fianlly I told David that even though I didn't ask him to put away the clothes I thought he might and it irritated me that he saved them. All he said was " Okay, I'll remember that for next time" or something like that.
Wow, that was easy. This communication thing. I guess ,I should do it more often. But I need to work on listening as well. I hear fine, but sometimes (especially if I have a fussy, hungry 5 month old boy in my arms and a 2 year old climbing on me) I tend to not pay attention as well as I should.

yard work- Dreyer style

I finally got tired of waiting for a day with temps. under 150 degrees to weed the front yard. So after David left for work I set a blanket and a beach umbrella out on the lawn for Sean, and Seth and I went to work. Well, it was mostly me working. He would pick up the odd item found in the yard and swat me with it. For instance, he found one of those plastic things that attach to a flower pot so you can hang it from your roof eaves, I don't kow where he got it but I got smacked in the head a couple times. He thought it was funny. Me, not so much.
Well, between beatings from my two year old son, I actually accomplished some weeding. Seth helped to scub out the bird bath. Sean just rolled around on his blanket.
Eventually we were all overheated and we came inside. We all had matching pink cheeks.
Sean quickly sucked down a bottle and promptly fell asleep while Seth announced." I want sumpin'!" Which is his lovely way of saying he's hungry.
I told him I was going to make Bagel Bites but he was peeved that I was going to cook them first. He seems to think that everything should just come out of the fridge ready to eat. I guess i'll think twice about going to his house for dinner in 20 years.
He didn't want to wait ,so while I used the facilities, he got up on a kitchen chair and opened the loaf of bread and took a slice. At least, he put the loaf away where he found it. He doesn't get that from his Dad...:)
After we ate I decided he needed to bathe. I think he smeared much of the pizza sauce on his face, I'm not quite sure why.
Next thing I know ,while I was making up his bed he ran down the hallway and grabbed a paintbrush David let him play with and he decided he was going to "paint" the tub with water. It was quite cute, especially since he was humming "Baa Baa Black Sheep" at the time.
He's so weird.

What a good brother!

As I shower I place Sean on the floor in the bathroom with a couple toys while I usually sing songs to him. Seth plays on my bed watching TV. Today I noticed Sean had batted his little soft blocks away from him and he couldn't reach so I said," Aww, you can't reach your blocks!" Seth immediately hopped off the bed saying "I'll get them!" He wandered into the bathroom and picked them up and placed them so Sean could reach. It was very sweet.
Seth didn't like my singing though, as I sang the ABC song to Sean, Seth would come into the bathroom and say " Stop it!".

Only five sutures left

Two of them have come untied and I pulled them out. Tomorrow the remaining ones will come out. David is actually looking forward to removing them actually. My damned wound is looking better but the itching from the skin healing drives me mad. It's all pink and still quite tender and if I have to apply pressure using my right index finger ( ie. spraying a water bottle or squeezing a shampoo bottle) it hurts a bit. David wonders if I came very close to severing a tendon or something.
In any case this week I will be window shopping-literally. I think the window should cost less than $200. Thank goodness it won't set me back too much.

Sean is rolling everywhere and it's quite amazing how far he can move himself just rolling all around. He seems to be constantly moving, arms and legs all over the place. But he's still a porker. He's not excessively fat or anything but he is a big kid. Bigger than Seth ever was so maybe that's why he seems so huge to me. He's already at the length limit for the baby carseat so we are going to have to get a bigger car seat for him soon. We have to get him 9 months size clothes now. Seth always wore the clothes sizes that were close to the age he was at, sometimes even smaller. Seth wear 2T size now but when he first turned 2 he was wearing 18 month size.
We saw Fonda and Jason the other day and they were with Amber, she's 1 but is such a little dainty little thing. Not fragile at all but just cute and little. It seemed like Sean was almost as big as her. I'm sure there is a definite weight and height difference now but I can't imagine it will be too long before he catches up with her. It was neat having the cousins all together. Seth is about 1 1/2 years older than Amber and she is only 7 months older than Sean so thery are all pretty close.

casa loco

There actually is a Mexican restaurant here in town with that name. Someone at work mentioned it and I thought they were just coming up with nicknames for the nursing home!.:)
My sister joked today that next time we go somewhere together she is going to come over and open the door for me so I won't try to get out through the window again. I thought that was very funny. David liked it too.
As Fonda stated if we don't joke about what happened then it's just depressing. Very true.
I told her that now all three siblings have scars from self inflicted wounds. Now we match. Oh, David has one too where he cut himself on his arm.
Mental illness definitely runs in the family, and David's as well.
My poor sons, I might as well get them started on medication now. Ha ha.
My grandmother is the most mentally stable person I know in the family-besides my brother-in-law, but he's not blood related to me-so maybe there is the possibility that my boys will inherit some stability from her side. Maybe I can just try really, really hard not to screw them up. Maybe they'll have a chance.

Let's lighten the mood, shall we?

The other day I was bathing Seth and I decided to plop little Sean in there as well to wash him up really quick. Well, Seth thought that was pretty neat. He had Sean smiling and squealing. He offered Sean his toy boat and placed Sean's hand on it stating, "Play with me" .
I had to tell him that Sean is too young right now but when he's a little older he will play with him in the bath.
Seth calls him "Brother Sean" ,it's very cute. Seth really loves his brother and I see Sean watching Seth alot as well. I think they will be great brothers.

The healing process

I read once that the skin on your hand heals faster that other areas of the body because the skin is constantly being renewed. I find this to be true or else I am simply a fast healer. The small lacerations on my hand and arm are healing very nicely.
My sutured area on my arm is showing less signs of healing but I think that is because of two reasons: Obviously it was deeper and larger than the hand lacerations and also I know that all wounds heal from the inside out. So ,therefore, the healing may not be visible to me but I am sure it is occurring. It does hurt quite a bit but not nearly as bad as my right deltoid where I received that Tetanus injection! My R shoulder still hurts like heck and I have difficulty sleeping at night since I want to sleep on my R side so badly but it hurts too much!
Again, I know I deserve all this inconvenience and pain for what I have done.
I continue to experience alot of anxiety by the end of my day but I try to pop some Tylenol or Advil which helps my pain and calms me a little as well.
I have to admit David is a wonderful human being for dealing with all of my nonsense.
I don't feel depressed at all but I really wish the anxiety would go away! It is simply exhausting. I guess I kind of wish the world wouldn't need so much from me. I am tired of being needed constantly. Obviously, my boys need me. But the elderly and sick people at work always need something. The creditors always call needing something. I wish no one needed me for anything for one whole day. I could take care of my own needs, personal and emotional. How lovely it would be.

THE stupidest thing I have ever done.

My mind was racing and my thoughts weren't even making logical sense. I just felt uncontrollable, mind-numbing, blinding rage. I felt dizzy and nauseous. All of the sudden as I am looking out my front window, time seemed to slow down. I watched my fist hit the window and I was genuinely surprised when it shattered. I saw the glass break but didn't really hear it. I saw the blood but did not feel any pain. At least I had enough sense left in me to apply pressure to the gash in my forearm and pick out the little pieces of glass in my knuckle. But I was still more upset that David wasn't home yet than I was upset that I had smashed a window and bled all over the floor. When David arrived home shortly thereafter, I remember yelling at him that I couldn't go to the mall because he was home late.
He thought I was an idiot for what I had done. And I knew he was right.
So instead of going to the mall we packed everyone up and headed to the emergency room. I almost passed out when I got there because suddenly I felt the pain and had truly realized what had happened. My BP was 80/50 and I wasn't sure if I wanted to faint or throw up. The triage nurse instructed me to do some deep breathing to call me down and I recovered. Then I called my grandmother from there to inform her that I wouldn't be going to the mall because I am a moron. She came up to the hospital to wait with me so David could take the boys home. She even gave David a few bucks to get Seth and him some fast food on the way home. I told her to go but she said she would wait with me. Around 8:30PM as I sat in ER room #13 ( figures..) waiting for the Dr. to stitch me up she even went to Wendy's and got me some food. I am not sure I deserve such wonderful family when I do such stupid things. But I thank God for my family.
I was eager to get stitched up and go home so I could move on past this horrible thing that happened but the Dr. took a while. Finally he came in cleaned out my wound ( I never saw my own fat, or adipose tissue, before, it's a bit yellowish and jelly-like. I hope I never see it again). I think he just cleaned it with sterile saline but it burned like heck. Then he numbed the area around it which was a bit uncomfortable but I guess he did well considering I did not feel him stitching me. Only a little pressure from the skin edges being pulled together. I couldn't watch closely ,even though I was curious, because I thought watching the needle going into my skin might be a little much for me to handle. Mamaw watched though. I expected the Dr. to treat me poorly since I had a self-inflicted wound but he was actually pretty nice and friendly.I ended up with seven sutures in my arm and a tetanus shot. I also have several smaller superficial lacerations on my fingers, hand, and forearm.
So all in all my right arm feels like crap. I cannot lift my arm above my shoulder so it was quite difficult to get dressed and undressed. I was able to work just fine, it was taking care of the boys that put alot of stress on my arm and made it more sore. Oddly enough my back hurts ,too. Maybe during my adrenaline rush I strained it somehow. I deserve this pain I feel. I deserve it 100%.
I just keep thinking "Why?". More serious things have occurred in my life to cause me anger but I never punched a wall or a window. Why over such a minor issue? Why did I let it get at me and eat at me?
David's theory is that I have been supressing my anger lately and did not have an outlet such as my blog, or a friend to confide in. So I boiled over.
So now I am blogging so I can get it all out. I called Tammy to discuss it with her and she gave me some advice. Since my mom doesn't care to listen to my issues I sort of consider Tammy to be my adopted mom. We talk about everything and I appreciate her.
Now I am going to take a warm shower and redress my wound.
I will be calm.

I love being a parent.

As someone who never was a "kid person" for most of my youth I am surprised by how much I really, truly enjoy being a mom. I always wanted kids but I even wondered how well I'd manage. I think I do well. I love, love, love spending time with my little boys and I couldn't imagine life any other way. I actually find myself feeling sorry for people who don't have kids because I feel that they are missing out on alot of joy.
Anyway, I took them to my grandma's yesterday so she could watch them while I went to a Dr. appt. I was so impressed at how good they both were. She just raved about how happy Sean was and how sweet Seth was and how he plays so well all by himself. And, of course, she just loved rocking little Sean. She also claims that Sean resembles my dad when he was a baby. I am not too sure about that but I have seen my dad's toddler pictures and he was about the most adorable little kid you ever saw so if Sean looks like him, that's certainly not a bad thing!

Work has been going well. I actually have alot of good days. Especially when I work with my friend, Marva. She and I laugh alot when we work together. She lives one street over so we carpool to and from work most days so I see her often. She is a hoot. Makes the day go by quicker when you work with people like that.

I AM a good parent!

I worked a double shift yesterday so I didn't see my boys all day long. Or the early part of today either. So when I got home Seth ran to me and gave me a big hug, " I love you, mommy!".
So cute. Sean gave me lots and lots of smiles. He absolutely loves it when I sing to him, especially the ABC song for some reason.
I hate double shifts but it's a little necessary right now and probably will be for a while. I do what I have to do to take care of all my guys.

More Sean pics...

Each day gets a little better

My grandma called me yesterday to talk. She wants to take me and the boys to eat one day. She said that she includes me in her prayers and thinks of me often. It made me want to cry in happiness when she called since I haven't spoken to too many of my family lately. It makes me feels all kinds of warm inside to know that she still loves me. :)

Sean had his 4 month appointment today. He is 26 inches long (75%) and 16 lbs (80%). He is huge!! I am afraid he is too fat but I guess the Dr. wasn't concerned. He's consistently been in the 75% since birth. He had a few vaccinations and received a vaccination for rotavirus which ,I guess, is quite new since I know Seth never had it. Dr. gave us a script for Nystatin cream for his red bum. Dr. thinks it's fungal in nature. ( I could have told him that!) Dr. also suggested that we put moisturizing cream on him every day for his dry skin and uses Selsun Blue on his dry scalp.
But he is healthy and happy and doing well.

More pics...

Some more recent pics of the boys..

Swimming lessons and thunderstorms

David worked today and had to take the car so the boys and I decided to go swimming at the recreation center down the road. Granted I haven't paid my dues in 6 months but I did pay them for 2 1/2 years so I guess I am entitled to use the pool sometimes, right?
Initially Seth was scared , yelling " It's too deep!" but after some time playing on the steps he felt more confident. We played with some toys in the pool and splashed together. I guess it wasn't really "lessons" but he was getting accustomed to being in the pool and we really had fun. I put Sean in the poll as well. I guess he was okay with it. I think he was confused as to what was going on. After a short period of time he was hungry so I gave him a bottle and he fell asleep for the rest of the time we were there at the pool. After about 2 hours I heard thunder so we walked home and everybody got baths and dry clothes so we didn't stink of chlorine.
Then we had a lovely thunderstorm. Sean fell asleep again and Seth layed down in bed for a bit. I did,too.
David got hom,e around 8:30 this evening. He had a side job doing tile for a friend of ours and she gave him $200.00 even though he wasn't done so he could get some groceries and stuff. Apparently he will get $800.00 more when he finishes! But he only charged half price for installation since he will only be able to work in the evenings after today since I work. They even invited all of us over tomorrow evening to watch the fireworks from their house since David would be working but I remember Seth was scared by them last year so I don't think we are going to go.
We actually ordered Chinese as a special treat for ourselves tonight so I am going to enjoy it now. :)

Amanda Beard and I should be twins

After I got out of the shower I was flipping through David's Playboy magazine. Seth walked in and saw the layout of Amanda Beard and said, " Pictures of you Mom?"
Yep, I totally have the body of an Olympic swimmer. Looking at the pics was like looking in the mirror. :)
Gotta love him.

Fonda:1 Migraine:0

Yesterday evening I began to develop the most awful headache. By the middle of the night my entire head was throbbing, my neck hurt, and I was nauseated. I tried to take the last half of a Percocet that David had with a glass of milk but I vomited it up before it had any chance to take effect. (Eww, reminder to self-If I am feeling the slightest bit nauseated-Don't drink milk)
In any case, I called in sick around 2 AM because I had a feeling that I would not be very capable by the morning. I was correct. I tossed and turned but my throbbing head was so horribly painful, nothing made me comfortable. A headache that severe HAD to be a migraine.
Fortunately, David was very sympathetic and let me lay around much of the day while he did the bulk of the child care.
I called my sister to beg for anything that might relieve my pain. I was feeling desperate. I was thinking "At least labor was shorter than this has lasted!" It was probably the 3 rd migraine I have ever had and I am certainly not hoping for a 4th.
Fonda showed up and it was if the clouds had opened and an angel was standing there at my door with a Vicodin with my name on it.
My head is still a tiny bit achey but I can definitely handle it. No more throbbing. I can function yet again.
Thank goodness for prescription drugs!

Sean's a roller now!

He can roll from back to his belly. Now that he can he wants to roll all the time, even in the bath. It sure is a pain in the butt to wash a kid who keeps trying to roll out of his tub.
He sure is a happy guy though. And cute as a button, even if he has two chins and looks like the Michelin man. He's going to catch up with Seth pretty soon. I joked with David that we should put him on Good Start Lite formula! Do they make low fat baby food? I'm totally kidding, I know he needs all that nutrition. And if he's anything like Seth he will become more proportioned once he's up and crawling.

I still haven't spoken to my mom. Apparently my sister isn't allowed over there either per Mom's husband. I guess he made a derogatory comment to my mom and my sister had to defend her. He kicked her out of the house.
It's odd that my mom didn't stand up for Fonda though. It's all weird. What's going on with her? David questioned that at well when I told him the story.
Maybe mom is enjoying some alone time to rest and take care of herself for once? I can't believe that she wouldn't want Fonda and I (and the grandkids!) out of her life?

David is working now. A couple weeks ago he got a job at my work washing dishes in the evening. Not big bucks, but it's something for now. And the hours work perfectly for us. I work 7-3 and he works 4:30 to 8ish. If I pick up any doubles I just have to give the list to the kitchen supervisor and she won't schedule him on that day.

I am feeling better lately. I am glad to enjoy my days again.

Envy

I envy alot of people. I am not proud of this but I look at others and think, " She's so pretty" or " Her hair is so nice and straight and shiny",etc. I've been this way for ages, I am never completely happy with myself and my life. Lately it's more like, " She's has such a good job, I bet she doesn't have to worrry about her bills" or " It must be nice to be able to order lunch every day, I wish I could do that". Or especially, " She seems so together and confident, why can't I be more like that?"
But then a lady at work told me that she envied me.
She asked ," How does it feel to be envied?"
I never in a million years thought anyone would envy me. She has a college education and a good job but she married later in life and never had children. It puts things in perspective for me. Some of the most special things in life cannot be bought or sold. Like family.
Sometimes I feel like selling Seth to the circus though. LOL :)

My dysfunctional life

The following is copied and pasted from a message board I belong to. I posted it late Wednesday 6-12-07. I felt it was significant enough to include in my blog but I just couldn't type all of that, I even left mispellings and punctuation errors. Even re-reading it is very upsetting to me and I still feel like I want to throw up:

"Please no flaming because that is the last thing I need.I was at the mall today and Seth ran away from the play area, I had to chase him but in the process I left Sean in the stroller at the play area. I shouldn't have left him but i wasn't thiking I just wanted to catch Seth before he got out of sight-he moves very fast.Anyway I asked my mom for advice about how to stop this behavior- running away, not listening, talking back, etc. He has been actiing up lately. First off, my mom says I "fucked up" and she would have slapped me for leaving the stroller( ok I deserved that) but then she says that Seth is acting out because we don't give him enough attention and that we are bad parents and we give all the attention to Sean But wait-I am a bad parent to Sean too because I put him on my grandma's bed for a nap the other day and he could have fallen off. (he doesn't roll yet and he's not even close) She says David doesn't pay any attention to Seth while I'm at work because she came over one day and he had a very soggy diaper on. She says that Seth is ALWAYS good for HER even though he fights me to get changed, get dressed, brush his teeth, etc. I am also a bad mom because I told him he was a bad boy at my mom's because he dumped out all of the fish food into the fish tank. Then she says that I should pack him up and she will come get him tomorrow and I shouldn't fight her about the matter. I also might add that she was obviously drunk during this entire conversation. I am so scared she is actually going to try to take him tomorrow and I am doing a double shift so I have warned David not to let her in. I know that even if she called HRS about me they wouldn't let het take him considering she gets drunk daily and she is on disability. But David and I are under alot of stress with him being unemployed and our financial situation.Do you think I should be worried? I am so scared I feel like I want to throw up."

Now I am fortunate that nothing has come of this issue since that day. She hasn't called and certainly hasn't shown up at my house to take my son away from me. I am hoping that it was simply alcohol talking. For many years I have been just trying to avoid my mom when she drinks in the evening and it hasn't been any issue. If I don't really see her that way then I don't have to deal with it. But when she threatens to take my boy I think it's a big problem.
Now my husband enjoys his beer as well. But he's down to two beers a day. By far better than what he used to drink once upon a time. But we also can't afford it either so it's forcing him to cut down ( one of the very few positive things that has come out of us being poor lately) I am proud of him for it.
But( and this is no excuse) David always tolerated his alcohol very well. I cannot even tell when he has been drinking unless it was an excessive amount ( which is once or twice a year)I always remind him to make sure he eats something and paces himself-drinking water inbetween beers as well. And he has taken all of my advice since he loves me. I know I cannot expect him to quit.
My mom cannot handle her alcohol. She turns into a different person. Sometimes argumentative and she always slurs. It makes me very sad.

I know I will not get any brownie points from anyone for writing all of this but I am just so tired of holding it all in. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it except my grandmother.
I am hoping this all blows over. I know my sons love me very much. They are very happy and Seth is very active and social. He loves to laugh and give hugs and kiss boo boos. If David and I were such bad parents I am sure Seth wouldn't be so well adjusted. He will just have to adjust to sharing his parents with his new brother. There is no way around it.

I never thought I would live such a dysfunctional life.

Just breathe

Inhale deeply and let it out slow. When I start to feel very anxious I have to remind myself to do this to calm myself. Or my chest starts to feel very tight and sore. Sometimes I will hyperventilate.
I think I am stronger than I think I am, but it is very frustrating when other people don't help a little. We have to work together sometimes in this life to get ahead. It's no fun to give up things that you enjoy. I know it but it's neccesary. I really think in a couple months things will be a little better but it's hard right now.
I had the cable switched to basic limited with a few family channels. I threatened to turn off the internet but that went over like a ton of bricks.
I just want to save some money for a couple months, not forever, geez!
Why am I the only one making sacrifices?
Even when I am fully rested I still feel tired. My back and shoulders are so tense they ache constantly. I feel so edgy most of the time. I'm tired of it.

Happy birthday to me!

Yes, I am now 30 years old. I spent much of yesterday feeling rather blah and sad about it but after I went to my grandmother's in the evening for dinner-I felt so much better. The food was wonderful and the company was even better. All of my family was there, it was just what I needed to stop me from feeling sorry for myself. My dad got me a tandem stroller for the boys, my sister got me a book and a gift card to Old Navy, Mamaw gave me $30, and my mom is going to take me and Seth to breakfast on Tuesday. I made out well. I can't wait to try out the stroller but I simply did not feel up to going anyewhere today.
Afterward Heather and her sis, Stephanie, watched the boys while David and I went out to have a couple drinks. We had a great time and then came home and chatted with Heather and Stephanie until 2AM. My brother, Sean showed up as well when he got off of work and hung out.
So I saw everyone in my family yesterday. It made for a pretty good day.
It was also my brother-in-law, Jason's birthday ,too. But he's one year younger than me. Every year I am very glad to share my birthday with him. It makes the day a little bit more special, I think. His daughter ( my neice) Amber's birthday was last Friday so birthday's are quite prevalent this time of year. We went to my sister's father-in-law's house for dinner and we all had a good time-I might add both boys slept excellently that night.

I had hoped I would be in a better financial position my my 30th birthday but it was not to be. I am healthy, as is my sons. I have a great family and a good job. A wonderful husband. If I only had financial security everything would be-dare I say-perfect? I just don't want to worry about the bills anymore. I'll get there someday.

I survived my double shift

Damn, I felt like hell when I got home though. My legs and feet were very achy. Of course, my first double shift in years happened to fall on the same day that the state surveyors show up. It's super annoying when I am trying to pass my meds out and the surveyor wants to ask me questions about every resident on the stinkin' hall. Especially on a hallway that I'm not used to so I only know the basics about them. The 3-11 CNAs are morons so that didn't make my day any easier. One of them was trying to tell me that one lady's catheter came off in quite broken English. I simply said "I don't know what you are trying to say, she never HAD a catheter" Apparently her colostomy appliance was overflowing and making a mess so she had to remove it and this CNA wanted me to put on a new one. You don't have to be a brain surgeon to know the difference from a colostomy and a catheter..scary.
The overtime pay will make it all worthwhile though. Next paycheck will have 3 overtime days on it so that should be pretty nice.
David brought Sean into work at my lunchtime since I wouldn't have a chance to see him in a whole day so that was nice. Seth went to my mom's for a few hours so David could get a break. It's wonderful to have so much support from my family. I don't know what I would do without them. That includes you Fonda! :)
David opted not to stay with the other restaurant job so he got a job at my work. It's only about 4 hours in the evenings a few days a week but it's something. He passed the drug test so now we are just waiting for his background check and then they will call with his hours. Of course, his background is clean so we should get a call in the next couple days.
My dad is getting me a double stroller for my birthday on Friday! I am ridiculously excited about this. I even dreamt about it last night. Jewelry? Flowers? I could care less. I'd rather have a gift card so that I could buy stuff for my boys. That includes David, yes he is one my boys.

Thank goodness Sean is easy to please.

Because everything else in my life requires so much effort!
Seth has the energy of five 2 year olds. He's happy as can be but I am too worn out to play all day.
I am working and working as much as I can so I can make a big fat paycheck so I can pay all of my bills. Tomorrow I have signed up for a double shift- 7AM to 11 PM. What a looong day it will be. I am not thrilled but it's a bit of a neccesity these days. I don't even care if neccesity is spelled incorrectly, bleh.
I am trying to keep my sanity as my 30th birthday approaches. I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I wish I could postpone my 30th until next year.

If I was rich and famous I think I would check myself into one of those rehab centers the stars go to when they need to recover from " exhaustion". Boy, that would be nice.

About Sean-he is the easiest baby ever! He goes to sleep easily and sleeps very well. He is content to sit in his bouncy seat or swing and watch the worl go by. When he does get a little fussy, he is usually hungry. Give him a bottle and he will suck it down like you wouldn't believe. But he is by no means lethargic or sleepy. He is extremely alert and loves to watch everything going on around him. He loves to smile-he does it alot. When you tickle his chin he will get a huge grin and sometimes he will squeal, especially when David is doing it.
He's a good boy.

I think I might see the light...

There is merely a small glimmer in the distance but I think I am closer to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. David has a job! He received a call from a local restaurant wanting him to come in today to talk and they put him right to work! He is working 5-10 today and both weekend days as well. Yes, he is washing dishes, but he's making money now and that's what really counts. It won't be his career of choice forever, just for now until something better comes along..which may not be until "season" starts in the fall.

In other news.....
Florida is burning down!!!!!!
At least it smells like it outside. There has been a nasty haze outside all day and the smell of forest fire is absolutely horrible! I have my house closed up and I still smell it from time to time. Seth wanted to go outside this evening and I definitely didn't want him out there breathing in all the smoke. Yuck!
Apparently hundreds of acres of land near Lake Okeechobee is (or was)on fire and since I live right east of there the lovely wind is carrying the smoke right to us. Damn, it's awful.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

I like to think that there is but far too often I find that the future seems bleak and quite dim. Yes, sometimes I laugh and almost feel normal but I mostly just feel like I am suffering from extreme anxiety. Especially if I have a chance to be alone and think for a couple minutes. I have a battle going on in my head between rational thought and my overwhelming emotions. I don't like it.
My sons give me hope and I truly wish I could provide for them in a manner that they deserve. I have contacted my mortgage provider and submitted paperwork and information about my sistuation in hopes that i can get some type of help. If they let me skip a payment or let me pay a smaller payment for a month or two it would be a huge help.
I have spoken to the dietary manager at work about getting David a position as a dishwasher or cook. He said for David to fill out an application and for me to give him my husband's name so he can look for the application. It's low pay, but better than no pay. David is also going to a restaurant tommorow to talk to someone about another job. We'll see what happens. Hopefully something good.
There is also less than two weeks until my 30th birthday. Nothing like the big 3-0 to kick me when I am already down. Now I'm old AND poor. Bleh.

Window shopping

It's the only kind of shopping I can afford to do thses days. Seth and I decided to spend some time at the mall today and after he played at the playground a little I had to gaze longingly at the clothes in Old Navy wishing I had a credit card to max. My clothes are all too small and I am sure I look trashy wearing them. I keep losing weight but I am still about 10 lbs. over what I weighed when I got pregnant.
Seth and David both need some new shoes. Seth needs some new PJs and maybe a couple new shirts. I need new shirts and shorts. I do believe that Sean is okay in the clothing department right now thanks to Seth's hand-me-downs. I really need to get my family suited up. Sucks being poor.
On the positive side I am now down to 131.5 lbs. I have lost three pounds this week. I guess overwhelming stress is good for something! I spent so much time at 135-137 and now I have gone down so drastically (for me) in such a short period of time. I don't think I want to go back to 117-my face was too angular and skinny at that weight. I think I want to get to 122-125lbs. range.
David filled out 14 applications in the last couple days. At every place from Toys R Us to TGI Fridays to Footlocker. He has seen a couple job openings for flooring but right now he needs evening work so he can be home with the boys in the day- so day time hours are out. I really hope that he gets a call from somebody.

I am a loser

warning- more venting!

I can't stand being poor. And I REALLY can't stand asking for help from my family. Especially since they aren't exactly wealthy themselves. I hate myself this way and I can just imagine what others are thinking of me. I am sure my family is sick of me and my venting.
My whole life I thought I was better than this. I never thought my husband would be unemployed. I feel like the poor white trash that I hoped I wouldn't ever be. And I feel sad that I brought two beautiful little boys into this world and I can barely provide for them. I feel like I am drowning more and more everyday, with every final notice that I receive, with every call from a creditor, with every time that I dig $0.50 in nickels out of my car so I can buy a soda at work. I even attempted to apply for WIC benefits today to help out only to learn that I make $6 too much in a month. I simply cannot win!!
I just want to explode sometimes from the tension I experience every day. I constantly feel like I am on the edge of an anxiety attack and find that I cry at the drop of a hat because I am feeling so overwhelmed.
I just don't feel like I can take it anymore. It's all too much for me. I never thought I would ever feel this low again. If it weren't for my boys, I think I would just run far, far away so I wouldn't have to face all of the family and friends that I have disappointed. I have humiliated myself and made a mess and i am working my hardest to get back on my feet but, damn it, why won't anyone hire my husband!! I can't do it all by myself. I'm just not that strong.

Ugh! The terrible twos

Seth has been driving me nuts lately! He does not want to cooperate with anything. If we go out in public I have to have him in the stroller or shopping cart because if he walks he will run away from me and ignore me when i call him. He fights with me when I dress or change him. He constantly unmakes all the beds in the house and throws the pillows on the floor. I had to take away his crayons because he would much rather draw on the walls or on his toys than his coloring book. He begs for food and then when he gets it he takes a bite and the rest is crumbled on the floor. I put his food in bowls and give him a fork but he just dumps it out and eats it with his hands. He whines and gets mad when he is obviously exhausted but refuses to nap. He runs everywhere!! It almost seems like his constant goal is to make a mess, a big one! I cannot figure out where I went wrong, he is still a nice,friendly kid and plays well with others but how come he's so destructive all the time? Why doesn't he LISTEN when I say "no!" or "stop that!" I know he can hear me. Is he destined to be a bad kid? Is it just the "terrible" twos?
So far Sean is the easiest baby ever. He is absolutely NOTHING like Seth was. I think God figured we had enough on our hands with Seth, so he'd better give us a break with this one! I am very glad he decided to spare us this time! Two Seths would be enough to drive anyone crazy!
Sean goes to sleep very easily. He only wakes once in the night these days. He's easy to entertain and is a very happy baby. He likes his bouncy seat, his swing, or simply just to lie anywhere near Mama or Dada. He loves to eat. He smiles and squeals easily. He's a delight to be around and cute as a button.
Now if only Seth could learn how to calm down a little...

134!!

I finally got down to 134lbs! It's not the goal by any means but it's the lightest I've weighed since probably sometimes last fall. It seemed like I was stuck at 135lbs. for the longest time.
Stress has completely destroyed my appetite. Honestly, it's the best diet ever. Well, that and a little touch of the Norovirus (stomach flu) that has been spreading throught the nursing home like wild fire lately. I'm not sure if the nausea I experienced the other day was stress or flu. Who cares!! I weigh 134!
I want to lose 10 more pounds and then I will be content. And hopefully fit into all of my clothing again. Next paycheck I am going to get a few summer outfits. You know, shorts and T-shirts, nothing fancy..Old Navy if I can catch a sale.:)

Will the stress ever end?

Warning: this is a vent post...
My anxiety is a at level higher than I have experienced in quite a while. I hate being the only breadwinner. It's a horrible thing knowing my family is relying on me, and only me, for a paycheck. I try to work so hard but find that I am getting worn down. I am tired constantly but at night when it's time to sleep I would rather stay awake a little to enjoy the quiet. Goodness knows it's the only quiet I get.
I get irritable with the boys for wanting my attention (Seth, mostly) because I want to be left alone for a few minutes when I get home but then I feel so guilty once he goes to bed and I stare down at his peaceful, adorable sleeping face thinking about what a horrible parent I am and that he deserves better.
David has filled out several applications but no responses yet. I'm glad he's home with the boys but it's just not helping me pay the bills. I still owe bills from last month. I feel like I'm drowning.
Sometimes I feel like I could just explode with all of the anxiety I feel every day. I cry because I feel so overwhelmed with life and Seth looks at me and says " Are you okay, mama?" I love him so much.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can take it anymore. But I don't have any other options. I have to be strong. Thank God that I have such supportive family and friends.

I love my hair, but hate myself.

My hair turned out really well. I had it dyed my usual reddish but got blond highlights throughout. Looks very cool, I think.
Why do I hate myself then? Well, simply because my hair cost more than I had anticipated. I won't even write what I spent. I feel super guilty because i keep thinking I should have spent the money wiser. I can't do anything about it now.

On a different note, David has turned in a few more applications. In the meantime, he was approved for unemployment. Only $69 a week, but hey that's better than what he is bringing home right now. At least it's enough for half a tank of gas and some formula and diapers.

I feel so much guilt

I have been working my butt off lately, working extra days, staying late, anything to make a few extra bucks until things are caught up. Lately, I look in the mirror and feel so blah. So Wednesday I decided that I think I deserve to go have my hair trimmed and dyed and get some highlights done. So I made an appointment before I lost my nerve.
But, of course, I feel so guilty because I know I should spend my money on a bill or groceries, etc. But another part of my brain insists that I deserve it since I am working so much..besides I could consider it a Mother's Day present to myself to to get pampered a bit and get a professional hairdo. It's not like it's something I do often! Right?
I find myself getting so excited about getting my hair done tomorrow, but feeling so guilty at the same time.
We will see how it turns out tomorrow!

My little bro is 21 and I'm the one with the hangover

His birthday was yesterday. We had a little party at my mom's house in the afternoon and then we went out to have a few drinks. My sister and I really wanted to go out with Sean and Heather and some of their friends but, of course, I haven't gotten paid yet so she said she'd buy me a couple beers at the Celtic Ray. I brought the boys home and David tucked them in. Then off we went. Sean's friends are great company and Fonda and I also saw Melissa there as well. We had such a great time..but I was very thankful that Fonda was driving. Fonda and I spent her 21st birthday together in Fort Myers Beach and then we spent Sean's with him. So I guess it is sort of a tradition.
I was feeling rather rough this morning though! So I was just going through the motions for the first couple hours of work. I don't think I want to drink again for a little while! I just can't tolerate it like I did in my young days.

Sean is very smiley

My little guy smiles alot, and he's cooing quite frequently as well. If we tickle his chin with a blanket he smiles. My mom and I notice if we talk about food he smiles and coos also. Yes, I know it's probably just the tone of our voices and our smile while we are talking that makes him smile but it's so silly to go on and on about pork roasts, london broils, and turkey legs and watch him coo and coo like he really knows what we are talking about.
This kid is getting huge! All he wants to do is eat. Last Dr. appt. he was 12 1/2 lbs. and 23 inches long. Not enormous but he is certainly larger than Seth was as the same age. I totally think that Sean is going to be bigger than his older brother at full height!
Sean is sleeping very well also. He only wakes once a night and usually is about 4-5 AM. He has pretty good neck control and can lift part of his chest up of the ground when laying on his belly.
He's calling me so I'd better go feed him again!

Few things in life feel better..

That having no debt and all of your bills paid. Unfortunately, it has been far too long since I experienced that but I am remaining confident that one day it will occur! Probably around the time that hell freezes over. :)
Only a couple more days until I get paid. According to my calculations my gross amount should be around $1500 but with taxes and insurance taken out I will most likely bring home a little over $1000. Pretty sad, huh? And I worked very hard for two weeks to make that. I'm guessing I will never make it onto Forbes list of top moneymakers!
Doesn't it seem odd that it costs so ridiculously much to live in Florida but the pay is horribly low? Fot the same job up north I could make quite a bit more AND have much better benefits, AND the cost of living isn't too much higher than here. AND the weather would be nicer, I might add. I'd have to have the money to move my whole family with me though. The hard part would be leaving them, because let's face it, without them I would not be where I am today. Who knows? I may not still exist at this point. But thanks to their support I am here, and thanks to their financial support my boys have been able to eat for the last month. Of course, everyone is getting paid back. Don't get me wrong, no one gave me free money.

Finally, a day off!

It seems like ages since I have had a day off but really it's only been 5 days. I don't know how Mon-Fri workers do it! I am certainly not used to a schedule like this.
I am counting down to pay day..only 8 more days until I can pay some bills. I am so afraid that things are going to get shut off in the meantime. David is going to call the utilities and electric to see if we can get an extention because of our circumstances and check into unemployment since he isn't getting any responses from the applications he's put out.
Man, I despise Walter on so many different levels. He regularly insulted David at work and refused to accept any creative input from David at band practice, always threatening to fire him if he disagreed or argued. Always putting David down until he felt like a second rate peon and developed stomach issues related to extreme stress. If you ask me, it sounded like David was in an emotionally abusive relationship with his so-called " friend". I know because I was in one once. I don't know why Walt felt the need to treat David this way but I am glad that it is over. David has a tendency to be too nice at times and I don't appreciate when people take advantage of his kind nature. Sometimes I want to stick up for him and tell off people that "jokingly" call him names or play jokes on him. He laughs it off but I don't.

I do know that David is an awesome stay at home dad. He makes sure the boys are clean and fed and happy. Little Sean always smiles when he sees Daddy. And Seth asks where Dad is any time we go anyplace without David. Did I mention that David picks up the house and cleans the dishes, too. AND makes dinner for me.
I may not have married a wealthy man but I married a man rich with love.

work, work, and more work

I have been working ALOT in the last couple weeks. We need to get caught up on our bills badly. I'm working any extra shift possible and I am exhausted! David has done really well with the boys during the day and even helping me out by getting up with midnight feedings, when I wake him and ask his help of course!
One of our friends gave us $300 as a "gift"! She said that God wanted us to have it. I thought that was a very special gift and I am eternally grateful for all the help we have received. Hopefully by the end of the month we will be back on our feet.
David has a few promising jobs that he has looked into for evenings.
Seth and Sean are doing well. Sean is growing like a weed and Seth has suddenly decided he likes food again. He is eating non stop these days! Maybe he's growing too.

Finally something good has happened

Our accountant is going to pay our tax fee out of his own pocket but we have to personally bring him the $260 when we get our return. Thank goodness, we could really use that $1200. Maybe things are looking up.

I go back to work tomorrow so i will be making money. I just have to wait until I get paid in two weeks..but it's a beginning.
David is going to fill out some applications on Thursday or Friday depending on my work schedule. He's going to try Home Depot or Lowes. At least it's a job for now until something better comes along.

My faith is waning..

Afetr Hurricane Charley hit us in 2004 I stopped praying because I was mad at God. How could he do this to us while we were expecting our first child ? How could he do this knowing we had just bought our house and now it's ruined? I tried to everything right and be a good person and many people in the world are cruel and crooked and they live wonderful lives. How is that fair?
I am thankful that David's faith is so strong and he has encouraged me to pray again. So I did during my pregnancy with Sean. But now David hasn't any work and we are in a horribly pathetic financial situation since I haven't started back at work yet. His work has been excellent for years, then all of the sudden the work completely dries up in a matter of months? And we can't get our tax return since we can't afford the fee to pay the accountant, so we can't even have that to help us out. David's ( ex) best friend is jerking him around and my bank account is -$300. I have had to borrow money from my mom for food and gas, but how will we survive the next few weeks?
Is this a test, God? And if so, why? What have I done so wrong? I don't think I deserve this.

The good news and the bad

Which do you want first? I also say bad, so...
It cost us $260 to have our taxes done and they won't send our taxes out until we pay. Unfortunately, we are - $300 in our bank account and our credit cards are maxed. Therfore we can't afford to have the taxes sent. Usually David's corporation pays but it's probably broke by now since David hasn't worked in a couple weeks...
The good news..
We will be getting $1200 back, which we need very badly.

But, obviously, if we can't have our taxes sent then we don't get the money.. What to do?
Why is our bank account so low? Well David has had very little work in the last month and NONE in the last week. we have borrowed already from family and the money from the sale of David's car at least took care of last months bills.
My credit card took a payment out of our account without my authorization causing the checks that came through after it to make our bank account overdrawn, and we ended up with $35 for each one. I have been arguing with the bank and the credit card company to get the payment back that they stole from me and reverse the fees without any success. They REALLY piss me off.
Anyway i am going back to work on Friday but will not get a paycheck for two weeks. David is going to apply at a couple places when his truck is fixed in a couple days. He has some good ideas and maybe will go back to school full time when I get back to working full time. It may be hard now, but in the long run it will be very beneficial for him to have a career. He's too good to install flooring anyway. He's too smart for that. Besides, his back just can't take it anymore.
It'll work out eventually. Walter's an idiot and I am glad David won't be working with him anymore. David is in a much better mood actually when he doesn't have Walter pushing him around and insulting him constantly.
You know Walter text messaged David yesterday: " You know, Denny's and McDonald's are hiring" Insulting I think.

My first day back at work..

I wasn't officially supposed to go back until the 20th but they called today and apparently were desperate for someone to do 3-11. So I went in from 3-7PM but ended up staying until 9. It was nice to be back at work again, isn't that sick? I like making my own money. I like the people I work with as well. And I made sure to tell the supervisor that I would be willing to pick up any other extra shifts in the next week. She was very happy to be working with me again and said that I was back at the shift where I belonged. :) I can't do alot of 3-11 with the two boys though. I like 7-3.
David did okay with the boys. Not great , but okay. Seth was only half in PJs and still awake when i got home at 9:30 and I had a sink full of dishes and laundry to fold and put away. Eh, I guess David isn't used to multi-tasking like I have been doing. Multi-tasking must be a woman thing.
David wasn't thrilled about being home alone with the both of them for that long but I think he understood that we need the $$ and if he isn't going to be able to work then one of us is going to have to. I don't mind.
I think that now that Sean is asleep I should probably put myself to bed as well. Good night!
I

Happy Easter and Happy Birthday

Today David turns 34 year old. He went out to have a couple drinks this evening and, fortunately , my sister was able to go out with him. Why am I happy about that, you ask? Obviously, I cannot go out with him since I am home with the boys and it always seemed that it years past I had to work the evening of his birthday so I could not go. And his friends never were able to go either. Pretty sad! :( So I am glad that my sister is there to help him have a nice time.
Unfortunately, my boys are both crabby tonight. Hopefully they will fall asleep before too long and then I will have an evening to myself, ahhhhhh, sweet silence! I can only hope. Right now I have one ( who is way overtired but refuses to ever nap anymore) who is alternating between "Mama! Mama!" for no reason and " come on!" so he can show me nothing. And another that has been fed, cleaned, diapered, burped, rocked, held, pacifiered ( is that even a word?), and fed some more to no avail. He ( I think ) is overtired as well.
You see, we went to my mom's for Easter dinner and we had a great time. Seth got to play alot and Sean was held and fed and rocked by everyone....but did not nap all day. Yes, you read that correctly. He would fall asleep but awaked whenever he was set down. So THAT is why he is overtired.
There are some days when I am jealous of the retirees that I meet at work. Thay can sleep until whenever, eat whenever, do what ever they want. When they clean their house it probably stays that way! They can watch TV in silence and go to bed and sleep ALL night long without interruptions. But then I think that life might be boring after a few days.
But even so, I wouldn't mind that kind of life for just a couple days. Is that so wrong? ;)

Girls night out

David's birthday is tomorrow and he plans on going out. Therefore, in order to rid himself of guilt and to make sure I would not gripe at him, he suggested I go out with my sister one evening. So last night my sis and I went to the pub for a drink and then we decided to go somewhere a bit more lively so we headed to another place where there would be music and dancing. It was pretty lame since all they were playing were oldies and the average age was about 40 but we had a good time picking on everyone. Yes, we are pretty pathetic but it was entertaining at least.
There isn't much that goes on in town for entertaining the younger crowd unless you like to hang out at bars or sing karaoke. Pretty sad.
In any case,I drank a little much and had some difficulty driving home but my sister drove ahead of me and I followed her all the way to my house. She's great like that.
I got home to discover that Sean had thrown up on David so I had to clean him all up and put him to bed. Boy, was I tired. I still am, not to mention I feel achy and blah from the alcohol.
I just can't tolerate drinking like I used to in my young days! I just don't think I am going to start going out too often. I prefer to put my PJs on as soon as the sun goes down and relax with my family.

my Dr. appt.and other ramblings..

I went for my 6 week check up yesterday-technically it was only 5 weeks but whatever...
Everything is fine. I am still very overweight, 140lbs by the Dr. scale. I still have 20 lbs. to lose. My friend Tammy reassured me that it will come off more quickly once I return to work. I know she's right since that is what it took last time.
Once my period returns I have to call the Dr. and have an IUD placed. I really wish I didn't have to wait. I will be getting the ParaGard which is nonhormonal and is good for 10 years ( though God help me if I decide to have another baby at 40!!) Most likely David will still get a vasectomy in a year or so.
I am looking forward to going back to work. I am so miserable sitting at home knowing that we really need my paycheck right now. Besides, I have this weird thing about making my own money. Never in my life to I ever want anyone to remind me that it's "their" hard earned money that i am using for groceries and bills. I hate having to ask for money either. I like to have my own cash.
And no, David has never made me ask for money or tell me it's "his" money but it has happened in a past relationship. I learned my lesson about making sure I can support myself.

Sean is sleeping okay, he does alright going back to sleep after his feedings until about 5 AM then he is more fussy and wants to stay awake longer. There is NO WAY i will start my day at 5 AM so he does go back to sleep, even if i have to put him in my bed to do it. He is very cute and eating very well. I can't believe it's been 5 whole weeks already!

1 month appt.

Sean is 10 lbs. and 22 inches. He is doing quite well, as am I. He still vomits occasionally but it's not with every feeding or even every day so who knows? Dr. is aware and isn't worried at this point.
Sean sleeps 3-4 hours at atime which is way better than Seth did at this age. Actually he is asleep right now so I should probably head to bed.