Permissive parenting

 I'm no authoritarian, did I get that correctly? I don't have it in me. I do prefer things a certain way but it's not below me to do them myself is that was is required. That's how I run my household. I like everything in it's place and a place for everything. But I don't expect anyone to do it for me. I will do it MY WAY. Even when I was in the hospital after having children I was trying to clean up everything and the nurses had to tell me to let them help me. I guess I'm not used to anyone helping me or catering to me. 

Anyway. I give my kids very few rules. I expect them to go to school and act right in public. They are very loved and I give them whatever they want within reason. Part of it is guilt. Many years ago I felt guilt over working constantly so I always took Jackie and Sean places and to amusement parks when I was off. I wanted them to have lots of opportunities. And now it's guilt over being very poor and not being very present in their lives for a few years while I worked excessively and partied. I had devoted so many years to working and taking care of kids that I rebelled for a few years to get my mind right. 

But now that's over and I'm trying to be a good parent again. But permissive parenting creates happy and warm kids but it also produces kids that have problems in school because they aren't used to having rules. Which is where we are now.  Jackie is failing her senior year and Josh has lots of behavior issues at school. I guess I thought that my kids would be like me and try to avoid getting in trouble. I mean, what kid likes getting in trouble? But I was wrong.

Jackie assures me that she will make up her grade by the end of the year and says that my being permissive has created very diverse and interesting children  with unique personalities as opposed to if I was strict. She is feeling happy and loved and likes that I am this way. She made me feel better.

I had a talk with Josh about it. I told him that his problems at school are my fault because I never gave him rules and taught him to act right. He started crying and went to his room. I feel awful but maybe it's what had to happen. He doesn't pay attention in class and hes disruptive and disrespectful. If he doesn't like what's going on he just wanders off. I've opted for no more emails from the teacher because I don't want to hear that he's awful. I want to believe that he's a good kid. I'm sad that this happened this way. Maybe knowing I'm disappointed will be enough for him to straighten out. Maybe there is still time to fix this problem. But the problem is me and I don't know if I can change at this point.

Josh and the mean kids.

 Josh said that there have been kids talking on the bus. " I heard that your sister is really a BOY!" and Josh said " Yes, she is trans, she was born a boy but now she's a girl." 

Simple as that. Why do some people in society think that kids will be so confused if they know that gay people and trans people exist? The kids get it. The kids don't have outdated prejudicial views that cause them to hate things that they don't understand. Kids are smarter than you think. The more you shield them from the real world the more uncomfortable they will be when they reach adulthood and are suddenly exposed to all these things they don't understand. Teach love, not hate.

Today Sean asked Jackie if she liked eggnog and she said no and he joked, " That's probably why you're gay." I laughed. I admit it. 

So that's how you can tell. If you don't like eggnog you are gay. I guess I'm gay.

Grateful

 At my job they are doing this four day work week things to attract staff. When we are fully staffed in my department then we will transition to four day work weeks and get paid for five. Good deal, eh? I doubt that nursing will ever be fully staffed. I don't thing any health care facility is ever fully staff. But even so, I get paid six days for working five so I can't complain at all. 

I'm so happy to be financially comfortable. I waited so long to be where I am right now. I think about all those years when we didn't know how we were going to pay the bills. Waiting for evictions, living in hotel rooms, going without phone service until pay day, sitting outside fast food places or convenient stores in my car so I could use the wi fi. 

There was a hair salon and a realtor that were located across the street in our backyard in Englewood. They faced the highway but the back of the building faced our backyard you see. So if you were on the side of the shop you could connect to their free wifi. Jackie and Sean would sit back there and download free games on their devices. Sometimes I would stand there to send messages. When I would get tips I would go to the "dollar dollar" store and buy one dollar food items for the kids to snack on. 20 bucks meant 20 items and no tax on food. 

I pawned my wedding ring to pay bills. Usually we bought it back but eventually we couldn't. So my wedding ring is gone. That is one regret of mine. I pawned any gold I had long ago. I had saved a quarter that had the year 1977 on it in my jewelry box for years and years. I had no real reason but I thought it was neat. Well, I had to spend that also. Everything we ever had was gone. 

Sometimes I would steal small items from work like a roll of toilet paper or something to stick in my bag when we couldn't afford any. David would bring home furniture that had been thrown in the garbage from residents that moved out or passed away from his job at the assisted living facility. That was the only way we furnished our house after we lost everything after our previous eviction. 

So many years we relied on Toys for Tots so the kids could have Christmas gifts. The kiddos were always a bit disappointed that they didn't receive anything they actually wanted but we didn't have any other option. Christmas is a sad and depressing time when you are poor. You want to give your kids the best but when you live paycheck to paycheck you don't have any extra money for that stuff. You have to pay bills and buy food. Poor people usually have poor credit and no credit cards. We haven't had credit cards in more years than I can count. Only in the last couple years we have been able to work on improving our credit.

Last year we received the child tax credit from the government to help us at Christmastime. I wish they were able to extend that but senate voted against it. I wish they could spend a day in the life of an actual poor person so they could understand how much that extra money helps. They don't know what it's like. In any case don't get me started on that.

Due to my four day work week pay and David's full time job, we actually can afford gifts this year! I got so many great things for everybody. I'm actually happy. I feel grateful for everything that we have. I'm just so happy to have a house and food and bills that are paid. I don't go hungry and neither do my kids. We all have nice clean clothes. We live well. I suppose I can't go bragging to people but it's just that everything has been so uncertain for a very long time. I can't remember a time when I could go grocery shopping without having to check the bank balance first. It' such a freeing feeling. 

Do I deserve this life? No, I don't think I do. I feel very lucky I'm here. I'm so grateful every day.

Never forget the friends you made at rock bottom.

 I don't have any friends in New Hampshire. Well, actually one. My friend Heather that I work with. She's just the best. But we don't hang out or anything. We both have jobs and kids and lives, etc. But she also knows about my life and what I've been through and she still accepts me. 

You spend time with different people depending on what your income level is. Don't even lie and tell me that isn't true. While I was a nurse I had other nurse friends or people with similar professional careers. That was fine then because that was me. 

But after my arrest and my time in my drug program I was working in housekeeping and at restaurants. And during that time I found friends that worked in similar low wage fields. They knew my struggles and they were like me. Poor people hang with other poors. We struggled together. We were all on food stamps and shopped at the dollar store.  Some had addiction issues like myself and some had multiple past arrests, some were felons. We all struggled paycheck to paycheck and we drove old broken down cars. We weren't trying to outdo or impress each other. We didn't hang out with people in higher income levels because those people either feel sorry for people like us or didn't want to be associated with people like that. 

But the friends I made while I was at the bottom were the most genuine, kind and selfless people you would ever meet. They accepted me with my addictions and my legal troubles. They didn't look down on me. And I felt more comfortable with them. You see, poor people will give you a ride for free or give you their last couple bucks if you need it because we have all been there together. They know what it's like to have nothing and struggle every day. And I don't know the rates of drug and alcohol use based on income levels but there is quite a bit at the bottom. I won't lie. When you have nothing, you are desperate to feel okay for just a precious little while until the effects wear off. Many times they might suffer from untreated mental health issues because they can't afford good insurance, only Medicaid. And it isn't necessarily easy to find a Dr. who takes it. So you treat your own mental illness with the drugs and alcohol. 

People who have money like to say " Money doesn't buy happiness.". But money allows you to live more comfortable and a little easier. I'd rather be miserable with money honestly. At least I know I won't have to live in a hotel room with my entire family. 

I'm back to my career I'm educated for and, unlike most of the people I knew back then, I've improved my financial situation significantly. I've tripled my income and I'm comfortable now. Thankfully I had the foresight to get an education in my young years, that's the only thing that saved me. But many people can't just do that. They can't afford school or they don't have time because they have to work to live, or they have legal issues in their past that prevent being able to get in some fields. I consider myself lucky. But I'm no better than anyone. I know if many of my current coworkers knew about my past that they would judge me. 

Growing up, my family taught me that the poor people were lazy and looking to live off the government. I assumed it must be true. But the first time I had to apply for food stamps I realized that was all lies taught to middle class and rich people so they would vote against social assistance programs for the lower class. It's possible to work two minimum wage jobs and still qualify for food stamps. That's not the fault of poor people. That's the fault of corporations thinking a certain portion of the population deserves to be poor for no reason, while big CEOs make multiple millions of dollars yearly. 

Americans hate poor people for some reason. They don't want to help them or see them or want them to live healthy full lives. They want them to suffer for nothing. Many people are born into poverty and they can't escape. It's hard to move up when you grew up a certain way and you don't have the support or the money to improve your situation. So you just continue the life that your parents and your grandparents lived before you, working your fingers to the bone to barely scrape by. Don't even get me started on how abortion bans will continue to keep poor people poor without any hope of escape.

I won't forget who gave me kindness when I needed it most. I won't forget the people that I met and stood by me when I was at the bottom. I won't forget the friends I made in my darkest days. I won't forget when I have been. It's a part of me now. I lived that life and I made it through. But not everyone does. 

Philip again and my dream.

 Last night I had the most bizarre dream. It seemed so real. I woke up to go to the bathroom in my dream and while walking through the house my foot got caught in a strand of the Christmas lights that were hung throughout the house. So I fell down and David comes out of the bedroom with some scissors to cut off the strand of lights. Then I started walking into the kitchen and saw a bunch of empty boxes piled up and I moved them out of the way and they fell down and then David comes in yelling that I knocked down his tissue box and he picks up this long flat metal thing with a sharp flat edge and begins to try SCRAPING THE SKIN OFF MY BODY!I started yelling and then I woke up. 

Who knows what that's all about. 

Philip's birthday was the other day so I've been thinking about him a bit. It's just so SAD. He had absolutely nothing to ever offer me but I thought he was great because he was freaking NICE to me. That's all I want is someone to be nice to me. 

I'm tired of being worried all the time that I am going to make someone mad. For a few years I was like, fuck it. All that time with the Tinder guys was simply so I could feel what it was like to have a man treat me nicely, even if it was only for sex. I didn't care. I've had anger directed at me for 20 years. I can't do anything right. Even when I do something right, it's wrong. 

You don't know what kind of life that is!! It makes you a little crazy. And it's awful because you feel trapped. Is it so hard to be nice to someone you supposedly love? And when someone is mad at you for 20 years you try so hard not to upset them until you just say, I give up. Because no matter what you do the anger is still there. But it's hard to love someone that clearly hates you. 

But if I speak up for myself then I get the car taken away or my social media accounts get their password changed so I can't access them. And he says Divorce me then! But I don't have a car. So here I am. Slowly going crazy thanking the gods above for my wonderful children because they are kind and loving to me. I feel like I deserved better in my life. But it's too late now.

Jason

 Jason is the only guy I met while I've been in New Hampshire. This was only a few months after I moved and I was in a dark and depressed and miserable place. And I wanted to see if I could duplicate my Florida success up here in New Hampshire. I matched with Jason on Tinder, like usual. He was about an hour away. He was going to drive here and I met him at this woodsy area by the water that David had brought me to when he went fishing a couple times. I really didn't know anywhere else to go. So it was the middle of the day so we couldn't do it in the car on the road, so Jason parked my car down a slope so it was hidden in the trees. I was super nervous with Jason. 

Jason was a little heavier than I generally prefer. And he had the long beard that seems to be popular in New Hampshire. Personally I am not a fan but here we were. He was super nice and we got along great. Super sweet, and apparently he'd made his way through his small town an hour away. We talked about kissing for awhile before we actually did. I couldn't get my shit together. We had sex in my backseat parked in the trees. But little did I know that it was a common area for swimming in the summer time. A lady and a couple kids walked by us as we sat in the backseat. ( After we had finished) so that was incredibly awkward and strange. 

I knew I wouldn't be able to get my car out of the trees so thankfully Jason backed it out onto the road for me. We said our goodbyes and we had hoped to meet again but David checked my phone messages and found something that Jason had said to me and the secret was out. Lots of fighting and arguing that night. 

I haven't met up with anyone else since then. That's the last one. But I hope it's not the last one forever cause I don't feel like I'm completely done yet. I don't feel quite as old as I am. 

addendum: We chatted for a little while afterward and we had hoped to meet again but David found out and blocked him. So, obviously I will never hear from him again. 

Nick C.

 I went over to the old house to sort through stuff the next evening after Kyle came over and that night Nick came by. I had been talking to Nick for awhile also and he wanted to see me before I left also. Nick was in his early 20s. dark hair, clean shaven. Thin build. Super, freakin' adorable. Sweet guy. We did our little chatting beforehand and I was stupid and giggly. Decent kisser. But poor Nick was awful in the sack. His rhythm was all uncoordinated with me and he was doing the jack rabbit sex that you would ordinarily find in 16 year old boys( trust me I haven't been with a 16 year old boy since I was 15, but I remember all too well.) OMG Nick was just such a mess. I tried to climb on top and he just couldn't figure out how to get it going correctly. Afterward I just couldn't keep my hands off him cause he was just so damn cute. Such a great, sweet guy. I decided that I needed to teach him how to fuck properly. Somebody is not going to be as nice as I am about it and he would have to learn eventually. 

Addendum: I still talk to Nick on my Snapchat regularly as well. Just like Kyle, he is hoping that I come back for a visit. Nick even offered to fly up here one time last year when flight rates were good. He' gone through a couple girlfriends. One was a really short relationship and they only had sex a couple times. I'm willing to bet she was into him until she found out how bad he was in bed. I tried to broach the subject with him once but chickened out. But, seriously, he's such a good guy I want him to know better and do better so he can wow a nice girl. I still send him pictures from time to time. He always refers to me as "babe" and I like it. 

Kyle

 I was committed to Wayne for a good year. I was in love. Oh geez. I am the worst.

Anyway prior to moving to New Hampshire we were staying at a house owned by The Lighthouse Grill for a couple weeks. Thanks to my manager when I told him we were being evicted and our new living situation fell through since we couldn't pass a background check. There was no longer water at the old house and we were trying to pack up what we could to take with us when we moved. We had to let go of a lot of stuff. All our beds and couches and bookshelves and kitchen stuff. Everything. After work I would go over there and sort out what was garbage and what was not.

Well, I though of something. There were a couple people that had been wanting to see me for awhile and our schedules never really meshed so I figured this is my last opportunity before I leave the state for good. I contacted Kyle and he came over one evening while I was over at the old house sorting through stuff. I had been talking to him for awhile. He had visited Florida when we matched on Tinder and he was living in Ohio. Then he went back to Ohio for awhile and then moved to Florida permanently once he had a job in place. He was some type of engineer. I told him I was getting ready to leave Florida and he wanted to make sure to see me before I left. 

He looked better that he did in pictures. Though he looked good in pics also. I noticed that often. People always seem to look better in real life. I always was pleasantly surprised by that. We chatted for a little bit as I was super nervous. It had been over a year since I met up with someone and I was out of practice I guess. I was my usual nervous giggly self but he was nervous too. Eventually we got it together and had a very nice time. He was quite good and I was very glad we finally got together. He had hoped to have a recurring thing but since I was leaving that was not to be. At that time I was thinking about coming back in the fall and he hoped that I would. But that didn't end up happening. 

Addendum: I still talk to Kyle regularly on Snapchat. It's been three years and he's still holding out that I will come back for a visit. Honestly I do want to visit my friend, Jen and also say goodbye at my grandma's grave but I know David would never let me go to Florida alone. There are too many people there that want to see me. I've had offers from people to fly me down there for a night, and for others to fly up here for a night. Now, seriously, I don't think I'm worth all that money or trouble. Kyle is a good looking and successful man so I have no clue why he's still a single guy. Maybe he just has a thing for older married redheads. In any case, I send him pics regularly. And he sends me messages like every other day. He's actually super into me.  It's actually really flattering. Kyle is a good guy. 

Mamaw and my dream

 So Mamaw died the other night. I won't say how I know, but know this, nobody in my family informed me of her death and here it is, three days later and still no one has told me. 

I'm learning a lot about my family. No matter how much they hate me and no matter how much they have written me off, they could have sent a brief message that she died. But I can hear my dad with that dismissive tone of voice that he uses when he's angry, " Forget Jennie, where has she been all this time?" 

I've been living every day. Working and supporting my family. I've come up from my lowest in the last three years all by myself. With no help or encouragement from them. It's true that you realize who is real when you reach rock bottom. I had some good friends by my side. But my family was nowhere. My dad let us live there for 6 months and let us know often that he didn't like us there. That was about the most tense 6 months of my life. I could finally breathe again when he kicked us out. Just as well, the motel had a nice pool. 

I had a dream about my Mamaw yesterday. Her and Josh and I were spending the day together. Joshua was a baby but he could talk like an older kid for some reason. I remember that we were riding in a truck of some sort and there were booths and tables like in a restaurant but then they disappeared. All the sudden everybody was standing in this truck and there were no seats. So I was holding baby Joshua and Mamaw and I were sitting on the floor. We were going to her job which was an office of some sort and she had a very higher up position.

Once we got there she disappeared. It was just Joshua and myself and at the office they told me that she wasn't there but she called there to speak to me. She said she couldn't come up to the office because she was dying. I said, "No way, you are fine, we will just see you tomorrow instead!" She insisted, " No, I really am dying, Jennie" I kept arguing with her  that she was being dramatic and that we will see her in the morning. She said " I have to go but I love you, muah, muah." 

And then I went to look out the window of the office building and I opened my eyes and I was staring at my bureau next to my bed. And my dream was over. 

My Mamaw was 95 when she died on July 31. She has been in a nursing home for a number of years because she had dementia for maybe 10-12 years maybe? 

She lived in her own home when Josh was born because I remember bringing him to see her and she would rock him and rock him, just like she did when Sean and Jackie were babies. Oh, she just loved rocking the babies! When Josh was a tiny toddler I remember bringing him to her assisted living facility to visit her. I would show her were I worked, I would point to the nursing home where I worked. I could see it from her window. And then she would walk us down stairs to the car. Every time I went to visit her at her house she would do that also. She would stand out front until I was out of site before she went back in. She would wave and say " Love you!" Oh she just loved my kiddos. I wish I could go back to those days one more time and sit on the couch and talk with her while she rocked in her chair and watched her game shows. When the kids were babies I would put a blanket on the floor in her living room and just let them play. When Jackie was a baby we used to go to the mall all the time. We would do our mall walk and then get something to eat in the food court.

I remember going to the mall and wandering through and I always had to go to Sears to see if Mamaw was working so she could see my kids. She loved them so much. 

I wanted to go see her when she was at the nursing home but nobody could ever seem to remember the name of the place. I don't know if it was just awful memory on their part or did they not want me to see her for some reason? 

When she had falls I would always go see her in the hospital. She even was at my nursing home for a while when I was pregnant with Joshua. I worked nights but every single morning I would go visit her room before I went home. By that time she was losing her memory and I would answer the same questions over and over. I would talk with her roommates a bit. She had a couple different roommates while she was there and they knew that she had memory problems and they would look out for her and make sure she got what she needed. I am forever grateful for those couple ladies that did that. 

I remember that I made some nice pictures of my kids and I put their names on the frame so she could remember their names. I also remember that someone, I suspect my aunt, took those pictures and put them in Mamaws drawer out of sight and put pictures of my cousin's kids up. When I found those pictures I reclaimed them. No sense in putting them back up to be removed again. Some of the most devout Christians have evil in their heart, I'm serious. 

But not Mamaw, she was a good person and she loved everyone in her family. Were there some that she liked more than others? Yes, I know because she told me so. She told me a lot about people over the years. Mamaw and I talked a lot. From when I would visit in high school, to when I lived with her for 3 years, to bringing the kids to see her. I spent so much time with her and I know how much she loved me. 

So to all that didn't bother to tell me she was gone. Go have the day you deserve. Now that Mamaw is gone I have no need for any of y'all. I'm done with the lot of you and you have proven that you are absolutely the worst people. I may not be a perfect person but my heart has love in it instead of hate. 

I know how some of you took advantage of her, having her sign for car loans after she developed dementia. Or the ones that took that antique table that she had received from her friend Bliss. You took antiques and treasured items out of her house while Mamaw was still living there! Just greedy awful people, how could you? If there is an afterlife I hope she sees who you all really are.